The Art of Rescue
by lmsnee
Summary: Jim Kirk has known McCoy's daughter since she was 5 years old, and has always felt a bond to her. But a chance meeting with the girl, now a woman, causes feelings that could endanger them both. Because Joanna has secrets of her own. Secrets that could kill. Expect action, intrigue, rescues, monsters, suicidal tendencies, red alerts, general madness, and the crew of the Enterprise.
1. Prologue

_Happy New Year! I have a new story for you to get started on this year. Now, I should do the formal bit immediately and say I own none of these characters, although I really only had Joanna's name to go on. Look to the great writers of Star Trek, who own everything, including the quotes that I will use at the beginning of Jim's chapters. My hat off to you gentlemen. _

_Now to explain this story. I warn you that the timeline is rather complex. The chapters come in pairs – the first is a flashback to past meeting between Jim and Joanna. The second is the main storyline. The story itself is in two halves, the second of which will be set on the Enterprise. I will attempt to update as often as possible, but I warn you now that there's a lot on my plate at the moment, so I'll need all the encouragement I can get! Oh, and if you haven't read my other story, At Your Side, it will make certain things in this story make more sense, particularly one chapter coming up, which is a version of the Taking of the Enterprise. You'll also get to understand Bones and Joanna's relationship a bit better. However, be warned – it's not short (as I have a feeling this one won't be!)._

_Just one final point – please be patient with my characters. You'll have a lot of questions, and many things won't make sense at the moment, but they will eventually. Thanks for taking the time to read._

Prologue – Stardate 2270

She was floating. The sound of her breathing was loud in her ears, her breath steaming the glass above her as her heart thudded dully in her ears. Above her stars winked in silent dance, so close and yet so far. She remembered watching them as a child - looking up into that dark sky and promising herself that she would be among them one day. A wry smile came to her lips, despite the circumstances. This wasn't what she had had in mind. She'd wanted to travel, to seek out the mysteries of the universe, to be with _him._ And she had, too, for a short time. Until now. Until she had betrayed him – the man who had dominated her thoughts, had been her best friend, and had held her heart for so many years. He would never forgive her for this, but she supposed now it didn't matter. This was the end. Today there was no escape, no daring rescue, no hope. Today, because it was the only way, she was alone. Today was the day when Joanna McCoy died.


	2. Meeting

1. Meeting

_A/N – And so to the very beginning. Thanks for reading._

Lullaby – Augustana

Little girl why don't you go home,

Back to the place you've always known,

Leave when it's over,

You make this place all new,

Cry on this shoulder but don't turn away,

Swim in the ocean,

And fly into tears

Pretend that it never happened here

Stardate: 2254

Jim: Aged 21

Joanna: Aged 5

The house stood far apart from the others on its road, separated by a large garden and hedges round about. The garden was well manicured – the grass was lush and green, flowers near glowed in the mid-summer heat, and birds chirped in the foliage. It was an idyllic scene, the house, a relic from a distant past, neatly positioned in its centre. Many would have dreamt of such a home on Earth. However, the youngest resident of the property was dreaming of somewhere – anywhere - else. This was largely because the tranquillity of the area was once again being broken by shouts coming from the house. Her parents were arguing again. Henry, her mother's special friend, had escaped, leaving the house in a rush some hours ago. She had no such luck and had instead found sanctuary in her favourite place – the treehouse in the large oak her dad had built for her last summer. She swung her legs over the edge and surveyed the world from her lofty height, wondering when it would finally be over. She didn't get to see her dad very often since he'd joined Starfleet, and she really hoped that he had time to take her out before it got dark and she had to go to bed. Or not even out – she wouldn't even mind sharing the treehouse with him. He used to always play with her out in the garden when he was still living at home. Or sometimes they'd lie on the grass and he'd tell her stories of people and places he'd seen long before she was born. He still told her stories now – he wrote to her every week, and she made her mom read his words as many times as she could before she got fed up – but it wasn't the same as hearing his voice.

A soft mew drew her notice, and the small black cat butted his head against her arm in a bid for attention.

"Where've you been, Khan?" The cat miowed and settled itself on her lap ready for petting. She'd made friends with the cat a few months ago – her mom wouldn't let her have pets of her own but he was a secret. He'd turned up one day, scrawny and unkempt, a stray that certainly wasn't from their area. He'd been wary of her at first, but she'd left out some tuna for a few days and he'd come round. Now, although he still went missing for a few days at a time, and sometimes mysteriously returned with cuts and scratches, she had decided that he was her cat. She'd named her Khan after a story about a Klingon her dad had told her once. She stroked his stomach and the cat purred contentedly, settling more comfortably on her and shutting his eyes.

"Well, at least I've got you." It was nice to have one friend, even if it was a cat. Her mom wouldn't let her play with the other kids in the area. She didn't like the other parents, and was worried that the children would be a bad influence on her. She had to be contented to watch them from her treehouse as they played games that she could only dream of taking part in.

Suddenly, Khan sat up, hairs bristling. "What's wrong?" She asked him absently, following his line of sight down the road.

For a moment she saw nothing. Then a figure appeared in her line of sight. She raised her hand against the sun and squinted. It was a man – a Human man, moving funny as he walked like an old person. He didn't look old though, he looked quite young. His hair was brown and he didn't have any of the lines on his face that her dad did. He had an arm wrapped round his middle as if he was in pain. She wondered what he was doing here. She didn't think anyone like him would have walked up this street before. Maybe he was lost? She saw a curtain twitch in the house opposite. Mrs. Ipotu was watching, no doubt. She wondered whether she'd help the lost man, but then, probably not. She liked to spy on people, but never left her house. Joanna liked to spy on her spying on people sometimes. For someone who liked watching others, she sure didn't like others watching her. No, she'd just watch, and write it down on her padd that she kept. The rest of the street was still and silent, as if holding its breath, and she found herself holding hers too.

The man was getting closer. She wondered if she should help him. But she wasn't allowed to leave the garden. That was the RULE, and Joanna wasn't allowed to break the RULE. Not a rule that both her parents agreed upon, anyway. Khan broke the silence was a loud miow that made her jump, then leapt off her lap and retreated into the treehouse. Clearly the stranger was making him nervous. There was a little part of her that was a bit nervous too, but the rest of her was feeling excited. She didn't get to watch strangers very often, and this one was interesting.

The man limped up the road, until, much to her surprise, he stopped outside her front gate. He was looking at the house, _her_ house, with a frown. He opened the gate unsteadily and stepped through, then paused. In a sudden movement, he looked up into the treehouse where she was hiding. She squeaked and flew backwards. Had he seen her? Did he know she was there? Maybe he was one of the bad men her mother was always warning her about – one of the scary ones that would take any opportunity to steal her. She sat motionless for a moment, expecting to hear him climbing the rope ladder, waiting for him to come and get her. When there was only silence her courage flared into place again and she crawled forwards across the wooden floor.

The man was lying, motionless, on the lawn. His eyes were shut, his face pale. She watched him for a while but he made no movement. Was he dead? She began to feel guilty that she'd thought he was a bad man. Quietly she began to climb down her ladder. She paused on the ground, ready to run if he moved, but he didn't. She approached him slowly and cautiously, like Khan had with the tuna in their early days, ready to flee at any provocation. She looked down at him from her lofty height and realised that his shirt was red and wet. It must be blood – she'd split her head open a few months ago, and they'd been a lot of it on her top too. He was breathing with heavy breath like he'd just been running really fast. She was pretty sure that she should go and get her dad, but, in a sudden flare of courage, she poked him with a shoe. He groaned, his eyes fluttering open. They were the bluest eyes that she'd ever seen. She took a step back, just in case, and peered down at him.

"Are you lost?"

He stared at her for a moment, but there was no real anger on his face. Then he gave her the most brilliant smile. "Not now."

"Oh." She wasn't sure what that meant. It must be a grown-up thing. She indicated to his soaked shirt. "Is that blood?"

He chuckled breathlessly. "It feels like it."

"Oh."She frowned at him in thought. "I should get my dad."

"Your dad?" The man was silent for a moment, as if listening to her parents fighting in the house. Then his eyes opened wider suddenly, as if he'd worked something out. He gave her a sympathetic look. It made her a bit nervous, but he smiled at her again reassuringly, and she found herself moving closer to him. "What's your name?"

"Joanna McCoy."

The man laughed suddenly, as if this was some sort of joke. "Incredible."

She frowned at him. She didn't see what was incredible. He was making no sense. Maybe he was a crazy man, lying on her lawn covered in blood. He was still watching her with amusement in his eyes and it made her reproachful. "You scared away my cat."

The man's eyebrows rose, but he gave her a contrite look. "Sorry."

She shrugged. "That's ok. He's only my cat sometimes."

"What's his name?" He appeared to be interested. She liked that.

"Khan."

The man started to laugh again, but held his stomach hard. His breath was coming in short, sharp gasps. "Joanna?"

"Yes?" She was pleased he'd remembered her name.

The man had shut his eyes again. "Could you get your dad for me?"

"Okay."

"Thanks kid."His voice was slurred, almost a whisper. She would have told him she didn't like being called kid - Henry called her that – but his head had slumped suddenly, and she didn't think he was listening.

She ran across the grass and let herself in through the back door. Her parents were still shouting in the living room, and she stood in the doorway, waiting until they noticed her.

Her dad recognised her presence first. He paused, mid-word, and the angry look on his face softened. "Joanna?"

Her mom was still scowling. "See Leonard? You've upset your daughter now. See what happens when you just turn up here?"

He rolled his eyes, but ignored her. "Is everything alright? I was just coming out to find you." He gave her a small smile.

She wondered if that was true. "There's a man bleeding outside." She told him frankly.

He stared at her for a moment, then nodded. "Come on then." He picked up his bag, then took her hand and walked out without a backwards glance at his ex-wife. She had the feeling he was happy to have an excuse to leave. She could feel her mom bristle behind them, but she kept silent for once. Saving it for later, probably. Joanna wasn't looking forward to tonight.

Her dad took one look at the prone form on the grass and scowled. "Unbelievable." He dropped her hand and hurried to his side. She followed him quickly, standing beside him as he knelt on the ground.

"Open your eyes, you idiot." He sounded annoyed, but Joanna could hear that he was worried too, like the way he was when she was sick.

The man groaned, but obediently opened then. "Bones, good to see you." His voice was faint, like he was half-asleep. So he knew her dad? He wasn't lost then? His eyes flickered shut again and her dad swore under his breath.

"Who's Bones?" She asked curiously as her dad began to scan the man.

"Me. It's an annoying nickname." He frowned at the man but his hands were gentle as he pushed up his shirt and began to probe the wound. That was her dad really – he was loud and grumpy all the time, but he was never really mean, not even to her mom. She might only be little, but she was big enough to know that everything that her mom told her about him might not be true. "Pass me the dermal regenerator, Joanna."

She peered into his bag and pulled out the stick. She'd known most of his equipment by sight since she was three. She handed it to him.

"Who is he?" She asked as the wound knit itself together neatly.

He dad sighed and wiped his hands. "This is James T. Kirk. His friends call him Jim."

"He's your friend?"

"I know him from the Academy, yes." She'd never met one of her father's friends before. She studied him closely. Colour was returning to his face, making him look healthier. He was well-muscled – she could see that from his arms and stomach. He must do lots of exercise. He had a scar over his left breast, crescent shaped. Joanna had never seen a real scar before and itched to touch it, but didn't quite dare. She also noticed that he had a knife tucked into his pants and wondered why. He couldn't be a bad man if he was her dad's friend – but only bad men carried knives. That's what her mom said. The more she looked at him, the more interesting she found him. She prodded him gently as her dad went through his bag.

"Are all your friends so odd, dad?"

Her father gave her an amused look. "Odd?" He snorted. "Probably." He gave the man a hypospray and he opened his eyes with a start. Her dad patted him on the shoulder. "Stay still, Jim. You're not fit to get up yet."

"You always say that." Jim muttered.

"And you never are." He scowled as Jim pulled himself to sitting position with clenched teeth. "What the hell happened?"

Jim grinned wanly. "I ran into Hyland and some friends."

Her dad shook his head. "I thought I told you not to go near him. Hell, Jim, you know he has it in for you. Do you have a death wish or something?"

Jim's grin widened and her dad rolled his eyes. "Actually, I don't want to know. How did you find me?" Jim shrugged and her dad sighed. "I suppose I don't want to know that either."

"You probably don't." The man agreed.

"Well, you managed to make a nice mess of yourself. Disruptor would be my best guess."

"You're right – he pulled it out of nowhere. I only just managed to get away. Luckily I realised I was in the area and thought I'd pay you a visit."

"Luckily? Hell, Jim, you almost bled to death!"

Jim snorted, but glanced in her direction. "Don't be melodramatic. Now I should go. I think there's a hoard behind me, and I don't want to lead them here."

"You can't leave like this!"

"Watch me." He pulled himself to his feet with nothing but a wince. "Nice daughter, by the way." Her dad seemed to suddenly remember her presence, and frowned, moving slightly between them. "She doesn't seem much like you though – she's much more polite for a start." He flashed her that smile again, and she returned it shyly. She couldn't help but like him. He was just so different from anyone she'd ever met. Plus, he hadn't told her dad about Khan. She was a bit relieved about that. "It was nice to finally meet you, Joanna McCoy."

She nodded seriously. "You too."

"Goodbye." He saluted them both with a grin, then let himself through the gate and began to walk back up the road.

Her father watched his retreating form with a solemn expression. She felt worried suddenly. What if something happened to him? What if those men found him again and shot him and he was hurt and all alone?

"Dad?" He glanced down at her. "Will he be alright?"

Her dad chuckled and put an arm around her, squeezing her to him. "Joanna, the first thing you have to learn about Jim Kirk is that he's always okay. He's the luckiest man alive." She smiled, feeling reassured. It must be nice to be so lucky. She wished she was. Then she'd get to have her dad here all the time, and meet more of his friends. "Now, let's go get some ice-cream before your mother notices."

She grinned, took his hand, and let him lead him from the cage that was her home.


	3. The Woman in Black

2. The Woman in Black

Oh! Gravity – Switchfoot

In the same town, there's the same scar

In the same glow of the liquor store

By the freeway, where the headlight

Keep her company 'til the next night

TOS – The Man Trap

Kirk: "_I __don't like mysteries. They give me a bellyache and I got a beauty right now_."

Stardate: 2269

Jim: Aged 36

Joanna: Aged 20

Jim was watching her. He had been for some time. To be frank, he didn't have much better to do. The Enterprise was docked for repairs and Scotty had all but thrown him from his own ship. Now he had two weeks of shore leave. Two weeks alone – with his best friends otherwise occupied with family matters. He snorted quietly to himself. Family matters. He might be getting old, but he'd never be old enough to find the prospect of two weeks of children and relaxation exciting. Then again, maybe age had nothing to do with it. He wasn't the settling down type.

This fact was precisely what brought him here – Adigeon Prime – backwater of the galaxy. Tomorrow he had to catch a transport back to Earth - Starfleet wanted a report in person after the Enterprise's most recent conflict. However tonight he was free to do as he pleased. So, instead of the typical tourist-traps that attracted all the wrong sorts to this planet – the gambling halls, and strip-clubs, and blood-rings – he had walked the alleys until he had found the right sort of place. And the right sort of place he had found. It was strange that no matter how far he travelled, no matter where he went, the place was always there. One of the paradoxes of the universe. Spock would probably have an explanation for it – something about the statistical probability of certain types of people aggregating in certain places. He preferred to think that there were some things beyond science, and this dusty bar, half-way down an unlit street was one of them.

He glanced slowly around the room, rubbing his finger idly against his glass. There were the usual sorts – those that stared miserably into their drinks like they held the answers to the universe, the lonely ones who were looking for a bit of conversation from the barman, the abused looking for some way to find their self-esteem again, and the dealers desiring to discuss their illicit wares in a place where no one listened or cared. Ten minutes here and he'd been approached by three different women – each painting him the familiar picture of loneliness and heartache. That assured him he wasn't going to be alone tonight - but he wasn't here for easy game. He was looking for something in particular. Ten years ago, well that would have been a different story – he'd been all for quick entertainment. Now however, major entertainment came in the form of a challenge. Not that he was foolish enough to turn down a woman that was offering – just that he'd discovered that a few hours chase could be as pleasant as the eventual outcome. Which brought him back to the woman.

She had caught his attention the moment he'd seen her. She was sitting at the end of the bar, entirely motionless and dressed in black, a holster tight around a small waist with two phasers, both charged. Her hair was dark blonde and tied into a tight bun at the base of her head. A professional then, to be dressed so – and ready for attack. She was small, but well-proportioned, and although he couldn't see her face if it matched her body she would be beautiful. She hadn't touched the drink in front of her, nor risen her head, but he could sense tension in her body, despite her relaxed posture. Perhaps she sensed he was watching her. The barman kept throwing her nervous glances as if expecting her to suddenly burst to life and start shooting everyone. The rest of the customers kept a wide berth of her. There was a metal case on the floor next to her that he itched to know the contents of, but he instinctively knew she wasn't a dealer. She was a different thing all together – entirely intriguing and a rare find in a place like this. Maybe she was lost?

"Can I get you anything else, love?" The blue-skinned barmaid, dressed in an outfit that left nothing to the imagination, bent over him provocatively, smile on her lips.

He raised his glass to her. "Another of these."

Her smile widened and she trailed a finger down his chest suggestively. "Anything else?"

She was pretty in her own sort of way, and her smile indicated a wealth of experience. However, his attention was caught now. Time to gather some information. "Tell me, who's the woman sitting at the bar?"

The woman rolled back on her heels, clearly unimpressed with his lack of interest. "The Human in the black?" He nodded, giving her his most winsome smile. Thankfully, she responded to it and sighed and sat down next to him. "I'm not sure. She's been coming here every evening for the last four days – sits there for a few hours with her case, and then leaves. She caused quite a fight the first night – one of our regulars tried to make conversation with her and she knocked him out."

"What, just like that?" He would have to be careful approaching her if that was the case.

She shrugged. "I think she told him to go away first, but he didn't get the hint. Then he tried to touch her and she flipped out. It was a bit scary – she just floored him, then went back to her drink like nothing had happened. Me and the other girls had to drag him out." She shook her head unhappily. "That woman's dangerous. If you want my advice, stay well clear. Your face is too handsome to get bruised."

He chuckled. "Don't worry – I can handle myself." And phaser or no phaser, he was fairly sure he could take her should it come to it. It probably wouldn't though – he'd cracked harder nuts than her.

"Whatever you say love. But if I have to drag you somewhere, I'll be taking you back to mine."

"I'll count on it." He winked at her, and she laughed throatily and stood up.

"I'll go get you your drink."

He glanced back at the woman in black and studied her, formulating his game plan. He had the feeling she wouldn't go for the sweet, misunderstood captain. She'd like bad men. She'd want someone who knew what he wanted and expected to get it – someone she couldn't floor in a second. She wouldn't require the typical 'I've never felt like this before,' or 'I don't usually do this' because she'd probably tell he was lying. Best keep things as truthful as possible. She'd fight it of course, but they'd both know it was inevitable – and she'd want him as much as he wanted her in the end.

He made his resolution and stood up as the door flew open and three Cardassians entered. Well, they weren't unusual in this neck of the woods. All were dark haired and carried the identical superior expression he was familiar with. One carried a crest on his breast marking him as a captain. The others carried no such insignia, but stood like soldiers, hands on phasers, eyes scanning. The shorter one met his eyes for a moment, then clearly dismissed him as inconsequential. Well, at least they didn't recognise him. They were motionless in the doorway for a moment, assessing the room with identical scowls, then seemed to fixate on the woman in the corner. He felt suddenly nervous at the expression of recognition in their eyes, especially when the captain moved towards her leaving a soldier at the door. When the other soldier took a stance by the backdoor, cutting off her other exit he knew what it meant.

The woman didn't even look up as the captain took the stool next to her. He spoke to her in a harsh voice, inaudible from his distance. She didn't stir, ignoring her companion completely, but he felt the hairs on the back of his neck rise. There were too many things wrong about this situation. The woman didn't move until the Cardassian put a hand on her arm. Then she turned, very slowly, to face him, out of his line of sight. He was moving towards her without thought.

"Hey, is there a problem?"

The Cardassian had thrown a punch at him before he'd even reached the bar. Cleary not ones for talking then. He dodged it, and kneed him hard, but damn, he'd forgotten the amount of body armour they wore these days. He'd probably just fractured his knee. The Cardassian grabbed him around his neck and squeezed hard. He reached for his phaser, but found it missing. When the hell had he taken that from him? Spots danced in front of his eyes, and he rammed his hands down the fragile scales of his neck. He dropped, but thrust him to the floor with him. He rolled quickly and pulled himself to his feet, but was floored immediately again when the soldiers decided to take up the fight. Three armoured Cardassians – well that was a fair fight. He rolled again as a phaser split the stool next to him, and kicked the legs out of one of his assailants, who managed to fall on top of him. He was momentarily knocked out. When he came to someone was pulling the body off him, allowing him to take a gasped breath. He waited, eyes closed, for the next punch, ready to roll out of the way, but it never came. Instead he sensed someone kneeling over him, and opened his eyes, blinking in the light.

For a moment the feeling of déjà vu was almost overwhelming. He remembered pain, and sunshine, and grass. Large dark eyes were assessing him solemnly, the face so familiar that he reached out to touch it.

"Jo-."

She punched him hard in the stomach before he could finish, winding him as the spots returned to his eyes and brought him back to reality. What the hell? The woman in black was Joanna? _What the hell_?

Before he could speak again she'd pulled him up by his shirt, hissing into his ear: "Not a word." Then she dropped him back onto the floor, and gracefully stood.

"Know him, Antonia?" The Cardassian captain drawled, appearing next to her and looking down at him unsympathetically, wiping blood from his nose.

"No. But I have no patience for interfering idiots." She scowled at him but there was a warning in her eyes. His heart hammered in his chest but he heeded her advice and kept quiet as his mind attempted to make sense of the situation.

"Would you like me to kill him, my dear?" She turned from him and picked up the metal case that had been next to her seat.

"Don't be ridiculous. We don't want to attract even more unwanted attention." Her voice was mature and soft and entirely different from Joanna's. So was everything about her. It was like someone else was wearing her face.

The Cardassian shrugged. "You intend to come with us then?"

"Obviously."

"Excellent." He smiled at her, but it didn't reach his eyes. "Then after you, please." She nodded, face blank, and, without sparing him another glance, left the bar.

He felt the collective breath of relief from the customers and shut his eyes. This must be how it felt to have the world pulled out from under your feet. He'd seen Joanna McCoy in many unusual places over the years, but he would not have expected her to be here. It was totally impossible. She was working on Deep Space 7. He knew she was. He'd received a letter from her only four days ago. So why was she sitting in a bar dressed like... well not like her, talking to Cardassian's and responding to the name Antonia?

"Are you alright?" The sultry voice of the barmaid roused him.

He snorted and sat up. "Fine. Cardassian's do pack a punch though."

She gave him a sympathetic look. "You're going to be bruised in the morning. Why did you do that?"

He shrugged. Who knew? Probably because he couldn't help but get involved when a woman was in danger, no matter who she was. "Never could resist a damsel in distress."

The woman frowned at him. Clearly she didn't understand the reference. And when considering Joanna, 'damsel' was hardly a good description. But how had he not known it was her? Okay, her hair was blonde now, and she was carrying phasers, but still – he'd known her since she was five years old. He should have recognised her anywhere.

"Shall I get you a medic?" Her finger was trailing down his face, stroking the damage. She was giving him a hungry look that he wasn't in the mood for now he had more pressing issues. He pulled himself to his feet.

"No thanks." Why didn't she want to be recognised? Just what had she got herself in to? Nothing good, by the looks of it, and she clearly didn't want his involvement. Well, Bones was his best friend. He owed it to him to get her out of whatever she'd got herself into. And he really hated mysteries.

"Where are you going?" The maid called as he walked out of the bar.

He winked at her. "Where I probably shouldn't."

_A/N - I think song lyrics are amazing poetry, and I've tried to find songs for every chapter, although I'm struggling for ideas for a few. I thought I'd start giving you the song for the next chapter, to hint at the contents of the next. The next chapter will be 'She's Thunderstorms – The Artic Monkeys. I hope that it helps tie you over until next update. Thanks for reading._


	4. Klingon Tea Party

3. Klingon Tea Party

_A/N - Alright – another look into the past. I haven't put the translations of the Klingon in, simply because I want you to understand what Jim understands (which is relatively little!). Thanks to you guys that reviewed, and to all of you that are reading._

She's Thunderstorms - Arctic Monkeys

In an unusual place

When you're feeling far away

She does what the night does to the day

She's thunderstorms

TOS – The Ultimate Computer

'_When a child is taught, it's programmed with simple instructions, and at some point, if its mind develops properly, it exceeds the sum of what it was taught, thinks independently.' – Richard Daystrom_

Stardate: 2263

Jim: Aged 30

Joanna: Aged 14

Jim was cold and sore and ached all over. More importantly however, he was running out of patience. Five days had passed since he had been captured by Klingons whilst on an away-mission. Five days since he'd been locked up in this damn prison with no one but a non-Standard speaking lunatic for company. He should have been rescued by now. What the hell was Spock doing? Inviting them to tea? The Vulcan hadn't quite managed to develop his rebellious streak yet – he'd still be trying to get him out of here by the book. It would be negotiations all round no doubt. Brilliant... He'd better be taking care of his ship though. Bones would make sure he got out of here one way or another (and he could imagine the arguments currently ensuing between his two friends) – but he'd be really annoyed if anything had happened to his ship. Of course he'd attempted escape – but the place was a fortress – quite literally. And the lack of visible guards made it impossible to talk his way out. He was tempted to challenge someone to combat simply for a change of scenery. However these Klingons weren't acting much like Klingons – they might not even accept it. After all, it was rare for them to take prisoners, and when they did it was usually so they could put them on trial. The lack of communication after five days of incarceration was disturbing. Maybe they'd forgotten about him. Maybe everyone had.

His cell-mate was mumbling under his breath. His Klingon wasn't good, but it sounded like 'Drink Human Blood.' Happy thought. He didn't know what the elderly Klingon had to complain of – at least he could eat it. As long as he lived he would never be able to eat food this fresh, especially when it attempted to escape the cell on numerous legs – and the blood wine was... well he figured he needed his brain too much to drink anymore of that. At least it had killed the time a bit though – it was one of the best sedatives he'd come across. Maybe he should start to build up an immunity to it. It would give him something to do other than exercise and prevent him from dying of boredom. People like him were not good at dealing with free time.

He heard footsteps from outside the cell and immediately stood. So did the Klingon. They'd come to a truce over the last few days. Clearly he was an interloper in what the Klingon had considered 'his cell', but once he discovered he couldn't beat him to death he allowed him a third of the cell, and tolerated him running circuits a few times a day. For his part, Jim did his best to ignore his smell, his blood-thirsty muttering and the fact he stole his blanket while he slept. Overall, he felt like he knew the man quite well – despite not even knowing his name. Therefore him also coming to his feet rung alarm bells – he'd never risen for anyone before. Not for meals. Not when Jim ran his circuits. Not when the other Klingons came to taunt or threaten him. The man ignored his concerned looks and focused solely on the door. He nervously turned his attention to it too. It sounded like someone was breaking the alarm system. He heart surged with relief. They were rescuing him! About time too! He stood away from the door and appeared to look nonchalant. Best not let them think he was desperate. The last thing he needed was a self-satisfied first officer.

The door finally slid open and it took him a moment for his line of sight to adjust... downwards. His jaw adjusted similarly.

"Joanna?"

The small girl grinned at him. "Hi Jim." She slid a PADD into her bag (which he couldn't fail to notice was pink and sequinned) and stepped confidently into the cell, nodding to his cellmate. "NugneH."

The Klingon looked rather amused, but seemed almost polite when he gave her a nod back in acknowledgement. Jim was attempting not to stare. There was no one else with her. She was here alone? How? Why? He swept the questions aside for now and focused on the important one.

"What are you doing here?"

She rolled her eyes at him. "Rescuing you of course." She fished around in her bag and then handed him a phaser. "I hope you know how to use that. There's at least five Klingon's following – I could only deadlock a few of the doors and I'm not using that thing." She handed it to him with a frown.

"Where did you get a phaser?" Was the only thing he could think of to say. He managed a smile at least.

"From Dad of course. He thinks I'm on a shuttle back to Mom."

Hell. Bones was going to be furious. "And you thought you'd pick me up on the way?"

"They were taking ages. I tried to tell them how they could rescue you, but no one would listen to me, so I figured I'd do it myself." She rooted in her bag again and pulled out an emblem which she handed to the Klingon with a small bow. The man contemplated it was a scowl.

He shook his head at her. He probably should be angry, but he couldn't help but be impressed. Sometimes she reminded him a lot of himself. "You really are something else, kid."

"Don't call me kid." Her large brown eyes were softy indignant.

"Alright Sassy." They grinned at each other.

"rIn?" The Klingon looked disgusted.

Joanna nodded, serious again. "HIja'. He's right – we need to go. We don't have much time."

"Wait – what? We're taking him with us?" Not that he had anything against the man – but he wasn't going to want him at his back if they were attacked.

Joanna looked at him like he was an idiot. "Of course. How do you think we're going to get out of here?"

He had no idea. He had no idea how she'd got here in the first place – nor how the senile old Klingon was going to contribute to their freedom. However, he could worry about that later. He powered up his phaser. "Alright. Keep behind me."

She rolled her eyes, but obediently allowed him out of the door first and fell in behind him with the Klingon. Well, at least she'd keep an eye on his back. They moved swiftly down the silent corridors and she called directions to him. He didn't question that she knew where she was going – after all, she'd found him. It appeared that they were in an abandoned mining facility. He recognised the pieces of equipment that lined the metal walls. Joanna was having a murmured conversation with the Klingon – well she was murmuring. Quiet wasn't exactly a Klingon trait. He'd long since given up being surprised by what she knew – even if it was apparent fluency in Klingon. While he could pick out many of the words he couldn't understand most of the content of their conversation – the syntax was very different from Standard. He was really going to have to get Uhura to give him some more lessons. It was somewhat insulting to be bettered by a fourteen year old who had never even been to Qo'noS.

Joanna directed them down another corridor and they ran, somewhat hastily, into a dead-end.

"QI'yaH." The Klingon swore and threw up his hands in irritation. Jim frowned at him - the situation wasn't particularly bad yet – there was no need for dramatics. He turned to Joanna. She had her eyes shut, clearly going over her mental map, muttering under her breath.

"Did we make a wrong turn?" He kept his voice carefully mild. Of course, he had to jinx himself just by thinking the situation was all right. The sound of guttural cries and stomping told him that company was coming fast upon them. Great.

She opened them and frowned worriedly at the sounds around her. "No. But we have to go up." She pointed to an escape shaft several feet above their heads.

"_Dun_." The Klingon barked a laugh like the situation was amusing. Maybe it was to him – he'd never really understood the Klingon sense of humour.

Joanna gave him a look and then grinned. "_Heghlu'meH QaQ jajvam_!"

Well, he knew the meaning of that one. "I respectfully disagree." He rebuked her as the Klingon laughed, attempting not to respond to her amusement. Today was _not_ a good day to die. "Joanna, get up on my shoulders and open up that hatch."

She nodded quickly and climbed until she was balancing somewhat precariously and attempted to turn the lock.

"It's. Not. Budging." She told him through gritted teeth.

At that moment five Klingons rounded the corner, and with a shout, broke out in a run towards them. His cellmate, with a rather impressive war-cry of his own, ran weaponless towards then, and managed to take out the first one with a warrior prowess that rather surprised him. He would have never thought the man had it in him.

Joanna was still struggling with the hatch and he bristled with impatience – the Klingon was going to get himself killed if he didn't intercede. He pulled out the borrowed phaser and managed to shoot one of the party that had broken free.

"Got it!" Joanna shouted, then pulled herself up into the hatch.

"Stay there." He glanced up at her, and emphasised his words with a look, then went to his cellmate's aid.

He pulled a man off him, and the Klingon laughed, more animated then he'd ever seen him. His enthusiasm was disturbingly infectious, and he had to say he found himself laughing slightly at the madness of the situation as he floored another. Clearly he'd been spending too much time with Klingons. A few minutes later they stood panting, leaning against one another, with five on the ground around them.

"Qapla'!" The Klingon nodded at him and Jim nodded back.

"Luq." He agreed. They were both alive – that was success in his book too.

"Pe''egh?" The Klingon grinned.

"He wants to know if you're keeping count." Joanna shouted a translation from the hatch. Jim returned the man's grin. If he hadn't been he was now. "Now are you both going to stand there looking pleased with yourselves all day?"

He shook his head at the small girl, who was smiling despite her words, hanging upside-down, her dark braided hair swinging violently. "We're coming."

The Klingon gave him a leg up, and he pulled him up behind him, then locked the hatch. Joanna was a few rungs above them on what seemed to be a ladder stretching into forever.

"How many levels?" He asked her faintly. Bones would never forgive him if she fell to her death.

"Forty-eight." She gave him a look that dared him to complain. He couldn't help but smile at it. Of course, she wouldn't think of the danger. That was Joanna McCoy all over.

"Well, I suppose I need the exercise."

"Yep, we can't all be sitting about for days at a time, you know." She laughed at him cheekily and began to climb.

He sighed and followed her, but felt sympathetic to the incomprehensible grumbling of the Klingon behind him.

They climbed for what felt like hours. He wasn't sure about the Klingon below him, but he was sweating heavily, his arms were trembling with fatigue and he really needed to stretch. Joanna wasn't fairing much better. She had slowed down, and was climbing silently was gritted teeth and sheer determination. If the situation hadn't been so pressing he would have called a break, but as it was they needed to escape before the other Klingons worked out where they were. His count of the floors told him it wasn't too much further.

"Here." Joanna finally pulled herself through one of the escape hatches on the side. He followed her, heaving himself through the small space, and smiled at her prone form on the ground.

"Tired, kid?" He was glad he could hide his own exhaustion better. Right now he felt like joining her.

She gave him an annoyed look, head on her arms and clearly currently incapable of speech, then pulled herself to sitting as he made space for the Klingon. It was hardly roomy. "Well, are we going through the hatch?" No use stalling the inevitable. He assumed their means of escape was through there and he wanted out of here. And the Klingon smelt.

"Nope." She pulled out a communicator from her bag. "We just had to get somewhere where the shield density is low." She grinned at him, clearly enjoying his surprise, and flipped it open. "NaDev."

"Su'." The replying voice answered. He felt his heart sink as he recognised the language.

"Joanna, far be it for me to point out a flaw in our means of escape, but we're getting beamed up by Klingons? Aren't we running from Klingons?" She pulled herself to her feet and took his hand with a smile.

"These are different Klingons."

He chuckled. "Oh, they're different Klingons. Well, that's fine then." She gave him an affectionate smile, clearly gratified that he trusted her. Well he did, as mad as that was. He probably should know better than to allow a fourteen year old to handle the escape plans, but she wasn't just any fourteen year old – she'd come to rescue him. And he still had a phaser. He liked those odds.

The Klingon with them muttered something rude under his breath. Joanna replied calmly and colourfully, and he laughed out loud and nodded his head.

"_Jol_."

The cramped corridor disappeared and the green-lit bridge of a Klingon war-bird materialised in front of him. They were surrounded by several Klingons; each, he could not fail to notice, heavily armed and looking unimpressed. Great. He pulled Joanna behind him just in case but she squeezed his hand in reassurance.

"_Yap_." A woman's voice called, and she entered the circle. "_Vav_." She bowed low to the Klingon standing with them. The man viewed her for a moment with almost sternness, then, much to his surprise, chuckled and embraced her warmly.

"_Puqbe_'" The woman, with her arms still clasped to his cellmate, then turned to them. She was quite attractive, in a fierce sort of way, with the shape of a warrior but delicate features. He watched her appraise him similarly, although more like a hunter to prey than he was comfortable with. Well, it had been a long few days, and he'd never spent time with a Klingon female before. This should prove interesting.

"Success, Joanna of the house McCoy." Her grasp of their tongue surprised him. "I did not doubt it. The young huntress was set on her prey."

Joanna smiled at her. "It was a good plan, sister. We are both victorious."

His cellmate laughed, clearly following the conversation. "It is a shame your forehead is so smooth, young warrior – you would have made a good Klingon."

"You speak Standard?" He couldn't help but interject. F_ive days_ together, with him making mad signs every time he tried to communicate, and he'd understood him all along? Well, that was just insulting.

Joanna sniggered softly next to him. Clearly she'd known. "Jim, may I introduce you to Captain Azebar of the house Varmis, and her father Gorkon, Chancellor of the Klingon High Council." She exchanged a look with him, amusement on her face. He was the _Chancellor_? Well, thanks for the warning. Thankfully he'd had plenty of experience in diplomacy.

"It is good to finally know your name, Chancellor. I hope I provided you with some amusement during my stay."

"Chancellor, this is James T. Kirk, captain of the USS Enterprise." Joanna introduced him politely.

"Yes, I know who he is." The Chancellor gave him a steady look, and Jim realised that the madness he'd seen in his eyes was simply the fever of an active man incarcerated. "You fought bravely. It was unexpected in one from your race."

"Perhaps, Chancellor, you need to meet more of our race."

"Perhaps." The man nodded. "It was honourable, James of the House Kirk, and will not be forgotten by me and my clan. Nor you, young Human." He nodded to Joanna. "You have the heart of a Klingon." Joanna grinned at him. Jim wasn't sure he'd take that as a compliment. "And now onwards to battle. Azebar?"

"We are ready, father. The walls of the Great Hall will be lined with the blood of your dissenters tonight."

"Good. Heghlu'meH QaQ jajvam!"

"Heghlu'meH QaQ jajvam!" The crew shouted in reply, moving swiftly to their stations.

"Will you join us on Qo'noS, Joanna McCoy, or shall I make a shuttle available?" The captain turned to her with interest.

"As much as I would like to share your victory, Azebar, I must rejoin my own mother before my absence is noted." And her father hit the roof. Poor Bones. He wondered if he really knew half of what she got up to. Probably not – he would have locked her away with the Sisters of Light if he even suspected.

"Very well. Shuttle three will be made available. And you, Captain Kirk? The Enterprise is in the vicinity. Shall we beam you aboard?"

"That would be appreciated." He was tempted to stay aboard and see what happened on Qo'noS but he missed his ship. Maybe he'd take her into Klingon territory in a few days and see what was going on. He always liked a nice clean-up mission – and if Azebar was around he was all for improving relations between their species.

"Good." She turned to his small companion. "Until we meet again. May you die well."

Joanna smiled and embraced her warmly. "May your enemies run from you in fear." He shook his head at their friendliness. Joanna McCoy was always full of surprises.

The Klingon nodded to him, then set her crew to task, and he moved Joanna to the side and out of the way. She was watching the Klingon crew with an absorption that bordered on memorisation. He wondered how exactly she planned to use the information in the future. He didn't doubt she would – because he would too. He put an arm around her and pulled her out of the way of a large Klingon carrying cabling. He'd forgotten how small she was – her personality always grew her in his memory. She must have noticed he was grinning at her because, as if reading his mind, she stuck her tongue out at him.

"Just for future reference, Joanna, how exactly did you get the daughter of the Chancellor to help you?"

Joanna shrugged. "I challenged her to a blood duel."

He stared, then chuckled. "A blood duel. Well, I'm sure it would have been an interesting fight but you don't think... I don't know... that that was a little above your abilities?" Good grief, she barely reached the woman's elbow and she would be no match for a Klingon's brute strength.

She laughed. "Obviously – but it was the only way I could get her to hear me. I'd found out you were being held on Rura Penthe on the grapevine, but I knew I couldn't get you out without help. Then there was a coup on Qo'noS and it wasn't hard to put two and two together and realise that the Chancellor was being held too. I was fairly sure she'd agree to my plan before she killed me."

He shook his head. Sometimes he understood why Bones complained of grey hairs. "Well, lucky for me you were right."

"Of course I was. She's female. _She's_ sensible."

He snorted. So she'd hit the sexist age. Well, he'd known it was coming, but it still couldn't fail to amuse him. "I don't doubt it. However, unfortunately being female, I can assure you, doesn't guarantee you having common sense."

To his surprise she laughed at him rather than getting annoyed. "Luckily for you – you'd get awful lonely otherwise."

"Touché." He chuckled. Thank goodness for the many stupid women who let him share their bed. Then again, there were plenty of not so stupid ones these days too. Hopefully of the Klingon variety. He grinned and tapped her on the nose. "Now you should probably go and find a shuttle before your dad notices that you've disappeared again, Sassy."

"I guess I should." She gave him an imploring look. "You're not going to tell him, are you?"

He chuckled. "I never do, do I?" Good grief, the secrets he was keeping for her these days... Then again, it went both ways.

"No..." She gave him a sceptical look. Hell, he'd be happy when the sexist years were over.

"I'm not going to tell him. Seriously, Joanna, show a little faith."

"I do." She grumbled, scowling at the floor. She glanced up at him under lowered lashes. "I'm glad you're ok."

He always felt touched when he realised that she worried about him. Strange really - he was sure that plenty of women across the galaxy worried about him, but it was this fourteen year old, who knew him better than most, that he wanted to reassure. "I'm always ok – you know that."

She shrugged and looked him in the eye. "You never know when your luck is going to run out."

He laughed. She always remembered everything he'd said. "True. Lucky I've got you then."

She grinned. "Yep." She picked off her pink bag from the floor and glanced around the bridge, once again picking up details. "I guess I'll see you around." She really was getting older, and better at hiding her feelings too.

"I guess so." Well she didn't need to hide them from him. He knew she cared. He picked her off the floor and hugged her tightly.

"Jim!" She protested. "I can't breathe."

He put her down and grinned. She was blushing, and trying very hard not to. Hell, he loved this age. It was almost as good as when she turned twelve and discovered boys. Or boys discovered her...

"See you later."

She cleared her throat. "Bye." She almost managed to walk away without turning back, but couldn't help but give him one last smile as she left the bridge. He grinned to himself. Theirs was a strange friendship, but certainly his most entertaining.

"What the hell?" Bones was staring at him with wide eyes thirty minutes later as he stood in the transporter room. Spock cocked an eyebrow, telling him he was equally as surprised to see him.

He laughed at them both and stepped off the pad, glancing at the security staff with armed phasers. "Stand down gentlemen. That's no way to greet your captain, now is it?"

"Forgive me, captain, but I did not anticipate it being you who was beaming aboard." Spock exchanged a glance with the doctor.

"Well, it's nice to know that you don't anticipate everything." He replied evenly. "It'd take the fun out of life."

"How did you manage it Jim? I thought that place they'd put you was impenetrable?" The doctor gave him a suspicious look.

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you." He assured him.

His friend snorted. "I probably would, but I'm not sure I want to know."

"Nope, you probably don't."

"Well I'm sure glad you're alright." He smacked him on the back.

"It is good to see you intact captain." Spock added. For a Vulcan that was the equivalent of a relieved hug, and he had the feeling that he was embarrassed as soon as he said it. Bones gave him a gleeful look that meant he wasn't going to forget it in a hurry. Well, there would be a source of arguments for the next few days.

"Well, I need a shower and something to eat." He said conversationally. "Mister Spock, if you would be so kind as to plot a course to Qo'noS?"

"Qo'noS captain?"

"Yes. I believe there has been a recent shift in power in the Klingon Empire and Starfleet would be interested in the intelligence we could provide."

"Indeed captain." Spock raised an eyebrow at him, and Bones looked equally sceptical.

"Plus, I've just met a very interesting Klingon captain, and believe we should take the opportunity to build relations between our peoples where we can."

"There's a woman involved!" McCoy rolled his eyes. "Of course there is. There's always a woman involved."

He laughed and slapped his back. "You have no idea." Especially since one of these women was his daughter. "Come on now. You can tell me all the drama I've been missing while I was gone."

"Drama sir? I assure you that there was no such thing-."

"What the hell are you talking about Spock? No drama – with our captain taken hostage?"

"There can be no 'drama' when assessing things rationally and-."

"Rationally my arse." He allowed the familiar bickering to wash over him, and his thoughts strayed to the small girl with large brown eyes who had taken on the Klingons alone and won.

_A/N – The song for the next chapter is 9 crimes by Damien Rice. Thanks for reading._


	5. Proposition

4. Proposition

_A/N – Just a short chapter as we continue to set up this story. Thanks for the reviews – please let me know what you think. Am I holding your interest? I hope you're finding it okay with the jumping about in time and character. I'm am a little nervous of this story, because I know there will be many people that find the age difference a bit... well wrong. All I will say is that nothing happens while Joanna is a child – Jim may be many things, but he would never look at a minor like that, especially not that of his best friend (I hope you've already seen that from the chapters so far). As for the rest – well I hope that I'll be able to convince you that this is a pair that make sense. Thanks for reading. _

TOS – Mudd's Women

"_Oh, that sound of male ego. You travel halfway across the galaxy and it's still the same song_." – Eve McHuron.

9 Crimes - Damien Rice

Leave me out with the waste

This is not what I'd do

It's the wrong kind of place

To be thinking of you

It's the wrong time

For somebody new

It's a small crime

And I've got no excuse

Stardate: 2269

Jim: Aged 36

Joanna: Aged 20

Joanna was angry. Actually, she was feeling many, many other things besides anger, but had decided to focus on the anger for now because that was the safest. She could deal with anger. Anger was warm and familiar and gave her strength. The other, more perplexing feelings she could worry about later, when she wasn't in the most dangerous situation of her life. Hell, Jim just had to turn up tonight of all nights. She had been waiting there for four days in the hope she would attract the right sort of attention, attention that would help her go places. What the hell was the probability that he would show now, just when she'd found what she needed? She hadn't seen the man in two years. He'd made it clear he hadn't wanted to see her, though she'd be damned if she knew what she'd done wrong. Damn him! He'd almost ruined everything she'd been building in the last nine months. He'd better take the hint and stay away. Her inner voice snorted. Knowing him he wouldn't. Jim never could stop himself poking his nose into things that had nothing to do with him. Her dad complained of it all the time. Damn, damn, damn. She didn't need this now.

She kept her face blank externally and listened idly to the mindless chatter that circulated the large table where she sat. No one was stupid enough to talk about anything important. The room was still being checked by security, and no one trusted anyone else as far as they could throw them. There was a mixture of species present – Cardassians, Ferengi, Tholians, Orions, Tzenkethi. She was the only Human of course – she always was. The room was on the first floor of a hotel of reasonable repute – although repute on this planet was largely different from the rest of the universe - with multiple exits and staff with knew how to keep their mouths shut. As a new-comer she had been given a place far from the head of the table, but that didn't matter. She'd have their attention soon enough, with an offer they couldn't refuse. They were all suspicious of her, naturally. That was to be expected. Lack of suspicion got you killed in this trade – she'd learnt that lesson quickly.

She glanced at the captain at her side – Dram Sarkat. Unsurprisingly the Cardassians, with their natural suspicion, fared particularly well in their trade. She'd have admired them for it if it hadn't meant they were simultaneously so ruthless. She told herself she'd better become equally as ruthless if she wanted to get anywhere in this trade.

"You will allow me to introduce you." Sarkat - all but ordered her in a silken voice.

She gave him a withering look, holding Antonia's character seamlessly. "If you must. I'm sure you'll enjoy the attention."

He scowled at her. "You'd best not make me regret bringing you here, little girl. I'll kill you myself if you do."

She shrugged, unbothered by his threats. She'd met men like him before, egotistical, power-hungry and calculating. He wouldn't think twice about killing her once she'd outgrown her usefulness. He also wouldn't think twice about attempting to seduce her if he thought she could provide him with what he needed. She never thought much of people like him, and knew how to play them well. However, her dislike of him was more than was probably reasonable. Something about him grated on her. She attempted to assure herself that it wasn't only because he'd wanted to kill Jim.

"I'm sure that somebody else will kill me first if they are displeased. It would be a shame to give you the satisfaction."

The man's eyes narrowed, but then he reached out and stroked her face. She worked hard not to flinch and to meet his eyes squarely. "I always did like a spirited woman."

She laughed coldly, then grabbed his chin hard and pulled him towards her so that his face was inches away from her own. "I assure you, Sarkat, you couldn't handle my spirit."

His eyes gleamed with arrogance, and, she thought disgustedly, desire. "I've broken far more unruly women than you before." She could imagine he'd enjoy tying her up and breaking her the best way he knew how. She released him and he sat back, eyes more admiring than they had been.

"And I've broken far more idiotic men than you before. I'm here for business, not games. You'd best be smart and remember that."

She hoped he'd take the warning. She needed his contacts, and wouldn't be able to stop herself shooting him if he laid a finger on her. He smiled suggestively but eventually turned to the man next to him.

She surveyed the room again, running through her plan in her mind, adjusting it to fit the new information she had now she had reached the meeting. There was no room for error today. If she succeeded she would be well on her way to achieving everything she wanted. If she failed she would be dead. She had kept tight hold of the case, and it now rested lightly on her knees. Its contents were important, she knew that, but disgusted her in a way that she didn't dare articulate. Largely she avoided acknowledging those feelings, even to herself. There was no room for such sentimentality in the heart of Antonia.

The doors on the other side of the room opened. Silence immediately descended. She reminded herself to breathe as two people entered. The first was a Ferengi – smiling avariciously, heavy chains around his neck, but entirely unsurprising. The second, however, unsettled her. He was Human, a middle-aged man, well-built with a large moustache and a stillness that made her nervous. She hadn't expected a Human. She hadn't prepared for that. His eyes scanned the group of people waiting, his eyes resting, momentarily, on hers. This wasn't good. She was going to have to find out who the hell he was.

"Welcome, friends." The Ferengi had taken his seat and was looking around the table. Joanna caught more than one sceptical look from the others before faces were smoothed to stillness. There were no friends in here. "Let us begin these proceedings. I'm sure there is plenty of latinum to be made. Sarkat, why don't you summarise how arms dealings are going in the Cardassian front?"

The man beside her cleared his throat almost nervously, then proceeded to briefly outline new clients, and the weapons that had been sold. He painted a very positive picture – and that was his first mistake. Look too good, and people would look for flaws. Clearly he was compensating for something.

"I had heard," The Human interjected, glancing down idly at a small PADD in his hands. "That you have lost the support of the Cardassian government. That would be extremely unfortunate if you have."

The Cardassian's face remained impassive but she didn't fail to notice his hand flinch towards the phaser at his hip. "There has been a momentary cessation in our dealings with the Cardassian government."

"And why would that be?" The Human's voice was bland – that was more menacing than anger, she decided.

"They have foolishly resolved that they wish to bring in their weapons through other options."

"Other options?"  
>She could tell Sarkat was grinding his teeth. He hadn't wanted to part with that information. "I believe government manufacture has been considered."<p>

The Human was looking at the Cardassian hard, and she could feel him almost squirm under his gaze. That in itself was no mean feat – no ordinary Human could have brought out such a reaction. Clearly he was a man that she needed to know better. "A pity." The man finally said. "Such enterprises are doomed to fail, are they not?"

Sarkat looked relieved. "I did warn them, of course. I believe that _someone _leaked the location of their planned factories to the Bajorans. I don't imagine they will be producing more than a single batch."

The Ferengi laughed. "Good, good. I like the way you think." Interest quickly shifted away from him and she listened intently as arms dealings were discussed across the whole alpha quadrant. A movement drew her eye to one of the doors as a Gorn was reporting. She could see nothing, although it was slightly ajar. Something flickered in her subconscious. She knew that the doors had been shut when the leaders had entered. Which meant that someone had opened it. The guard standing to the side looked untroubled, but a sinking feeling began to swell in her stomach. The security here were good – some of the best she'd seen. It would not take them long to notice, as she had. It would not take them long to investigate it either. And she had a bad feeling she knew who was behind that door. Damn.

"Finally, I notice a new face." The Ferengi's heated gaze looked pointedly at her. She felt all eyes in the room shift towards her. Some were coldly interested, others sceptical. She could see herself as they did – a Human woman, scarcely more than a child, trying to enter a dark world that she couldn't understand. She would have to work hard to prove herself. Sarkat gave her a sidelong look, as if rethinking her presence. He wouldn't want to be drawing more attention to himself tonight, especially if they didn't like her. However, they had an agreement. He opened his mouth to speak.

"Colleagues, this is-."

She interrupted him swiftly. Now was the time to show them exactly what sort of woman she was. "My name is Antonia Salvatori. I have a proposition for you."

_A/N: Song for the next chapter Yellow Submarine by The Beatles (yes, seriously!). Thanks for reading. _


	6. Three Captains

5. The Three Captains

_A/N: Alrighty – this is an important chapter. I'm about to introduce you to one of the threads that is going to run through this story. I found this chapter difficult to write – 12 is such an awkward age, right on the cusp of child and teenager, so I hope that I've done Joanna justice. It'll be Jim's POV for the next 2 chapters. Thanks for reading. _

Yellow Submarine - The Beatles

In the town where I was born,

There lived a man,

Who sailed the seas,

And he told us of his life,

In the land of Submarines,

So we sailed into the sun,

Till' we found a sea of green,

And we lived beneath the waves,

In our yellow submarine.

"_Our missions are peaceful — not for conquest. When we do battle, it is only because we have no choice."_ – James T. Kirk, TOS – The Squire of Gothos

Stardate: 2261

Jim: Aged 28

Joanna: Aged 12

Joanna was sitting doing her homework. It was the summer holidays, and she was fairly sure that it should mean that she didn't have to do homework. She loved her summers on the Enterprise – spending time with her dad, all the drama of the missions, making new friends – but having her dad as the CMO meant that most of the senior staff took it upon themselves to make sure she was educated in areas that they considered vital to a child's upbringing. She finished her Klingon essay, hoping that Uhura wouldn't notice that many of her phrases were rearrangements of her favourite opera lyrics, and pulled out Scotty's physics problems with a sigh. It didn't help that she found science a bit of a challenge – she was good at the facts and figures of course, and biology was straightforward, but she struggled with the thinking you needed in physics. She didn't like obeying the laws much. She was clearly never going to be an engineer unless her mind decided to radically change and conform, much to the rue of her school teachers, the amusement of her peers, and the tireless efforts of Scotty. Thankfully she was saved from an evening of frustration when her father returned home.

"I wondered where you got to." He gave her an affectionate smile but she could see worry etching lines into the crinkles of his eyes. The war had taken its toll on him, and there was silver in his hair that she was sure hadn't been there last year. He was also home far earlier than normal too. Her father practically lived in the sickbay. "Where's Chapel?"

"Feeding the baby." She indicated to the bedroom. "What's wrong?"

He took a chair beside her, glancing over the work she was doing distractedly. Then he sighed and leant back in his chair. "The Federation are causing problems."

"What problems?"

He shook his head wearily as her Christine emerged, smiling softly as she always did. She surveyed them both quietly, then kissed her husband's cheek and replicated them both an orange juice and a plate of cookies. Joanna wondered how she always knew, with a simple look, what people needed.

She had loved her stepmother from the moment she had met her. It was hard not to – she was just so kind and gentle and beautiful. In the three years that she'd known her she'd never heard an angry word from her, even when her dad was grumpy and she was tired from work or the baby. And since she knew what it was like to live with her dad, that pretty much made her perfect. Sometimes she wished that she was her real mother, although she usually felt guilty at that thought – her own mom loved her a lot in her own way. However, when Joanna thought about who she wanted to be like the most when she was grown up, it was Christine.

The woman sat down opposite them, and shared a look with her father in apparent silent conversation. She wasn't sure whether it was because they spent so many hours working together, or whether it was simply because they were a couple, but they'd seemed to develop some sort of telepathy that was almost creepy. He frowned at her and rubbed a hand over his face.

"The Federation are questioning our involvement in the war."

"Questioning?" She asked calmly.

He nodded, his temper quickly flaring. "Apparently, there's been some controversy over Starfleet's use of force during the final days. They feel that the Enterprise's destruction of the Tholian ships was _unnecessary_."

Joanna felt a wave of anxiety. "But you had to destroy them – it was the only way to end the war."

Her father nodded. "Damn right." He took an angry sip of his orange juice and made a face.

Christine shook her head, her face sad. "Where there is so much death, there will always be critics, and always be people looking for answers. People need to make sense of things."

"I wouldn't mind if it was only an investigation, Chapel, but there's talk of putting Jim on trial for war crimes."

"WHAT?" Joanna was on her feet in shock. "Why?"

The doctor scowled. "Because apparently he didn't have authority from Starfleet Command when we acted."

"But you couldn't communicate with them! That's just stupid."

Her dad chuckled darkly. "Yes it is, but stupidity has never stopped the Federation before."

Christine's face was calm, but her eyes were worried. "Just how serious is this, Leonard?"

"Serious. Spock and I have already been approached about giving evidence, and you will be too, given your role in things. It's just so damn ridiculous. What the hell was he supposed to do? Hell, we lost so many people..." There was a spasm of pain across his face.

Christine reached across to hold his hand in silent comfort. They'd almost lost their lives in the war –Joanna knew full well how close she'd come to losing her father. She felt sick.

Clearly something must have shown on her face as her dad put and arm around her and hugged her. "Is Jim okay?" She asked when she'd felt the weight ease on her chest slightly.

"As well as can be expected. He didn't want to talk about it, but you know him – that's usually a good sign."

She frowned. She did know him. She couldn't bear to think he was upset. Not when he didn't have anyone there to make things better, like she had. "Maybe I should go and see if he's okay..."

Her dad frowned and looked like he was going to protest. She sent a pleading look to Christine. The woman smiled slightly. "I think that's a good idea. He'll need a friend around now."

The doctor threw his wife a scowl, but nodded reluctantly under her sharp look. He'd never really liked her and Jim being friends. He said their relationship was 'unhealthy'. She didn't see why. He was the first real friend she'd ever had, and his age didn't matter to her. She hoped that it worked the other way around too, but sometimes she grew worried that he'd get bored of spending time with a little girl, and maybe would stop reading her letters. She tried where possible to be grown up and take an interest in things that mattered to him. That's why she knew so much about the war.

"I suppose you've got a better chance of cheering him up then anyone, Joanna. But contact me if you go anywhere except his quarters. I want to know where you are."

She sighed. Her dad had become even more protective of her recently. He seemed to think that she could be attacked or abducted or something even on this ship. It was silly really, since everyone she'd met on the ship had been nothing but kind to her and the bridge could find her location at any given moment. However, Christine had pointed out that he had some very good reasons for being so protective, so she put up with it.

"I'll only go to his – I promise." She gave him a hug, then went to find her shoes.

She'd been on the ship for almost a month now. She knew the names of a large proportion of the crew, and the rest by sight. Many greeted her as she hurried past, and she did her best to reply politely. Usually she would have been pleased that important Starfleet officers were showing so much interest in her, but today she was relieved when she reached Jim's door.

Her dad never knocked before entering the captain's quarters. He said it was the only way to catch him up to trouble. She'd often asked him what sort of trouble Jim got into, but he'd only shaken his head and assured her that she would find out when she was older. She thought it was rather rude, him walking in like that – but the doctor had assured her that if Jim really didn't want to be found he would make sure the door was properly locked, or go somewhere else. Nevertheless, her dad had made her promise that she'd never walk into his quarters unannounced, so she dutifully rang the doorbell.

Jim had never made her wait at his door before, but today it took a few seconds before it opened. He looked tired. His hair was messy from running his hands through it – she knew that look well by now – and his eyes were bloodshot. She felt her worry grow. He gave her a small smile.

"What are you doing here, Joanna?"

"I came to find you."

He gave her a searching look. "Is everything alright?"

"I thought you might want some company."

He shook his head slowly. "Not tonight kid."

She frowned at him, playing their game. "Don't call me kid."

He chuckled softly. "All right Sassy."

"Have you got a girl in there?" She tried to think of reasons why he wouldn't want her. Jim often had girls in his quarters – the nurses talked about it all the time.

Jim looked almost embarrassed. "No – I'm just not going to be good company tonight."

Joanna gave him her brightest smile. "That's okay. Can I come in?" The captain sighed, but he moved out of the way and she entered happily.

She'd always liked Jim's quarters. It was full of interesting things he'd collected from around the galaxy. Sometimes he told her stories about how he'd got them, or what they were. Over in the corner was a vase that contained the ashes of the Victor of Ysre. A set of three glowing rocks on the sideboard were telepathic stones from Betazed. There was a new purple strangely shaped gem next to them that she was itching to ask him about, but she sensed that this wasn't the time. Instead she sat down on his sofa and tried to decided how best she could help him. He sat back down at his desk, looking through his PADDs with apparent concentration. She didn't take it personally that he didn't talk to her – she could sense his disquiet. He was really upset. It had taken her time to learn that, quite unlike her father and herself, when Jim was upset he pulled away and pretended he wasn't. He was as good at hiding his emotions as Spock was. Maybe he was better, as he was able to pretend to be fine whilst feeling something completely different. She didn't dare broach the subject like this.

Thankfully Khan also seemed to have sensed Jim's unrest and came to see what was going on. Her cat had grown old and fatter in his years on the Enterprise. He'd also acquired many more scars. Apparently he considered the entire ship as his territory, which meant that, in addition to him urinating freely wherever he so desired, he decided to defend it when he perceived it was being threatened. It didn't do much for the cat's good looks, but it seemed to endear the cat to Jim, even if the captain wouldn't admit it. She wasn't quite sure what Khan thought of the captain, but she often found him watching him somewhat condescendingly. She had the feeling that the cat thought he'd do a better job of running the ship. He jumped up onto the chair next to her, crawled onto her knees and sat perched on her lap, looking her in the eyes, tail twitching with irritation.

_Any ideas?_ She asked him silently.

Khan gave her a superior look, then jumped down from her lap and stalked over to the computer. Intrigued, she went to see what was on it. She saw Jim's head turn slightly towards her but he made no comment. Well, in her view that was as good as an open invitation to have a look.

The file on top was a transcript of his log, dated towards the end of the war. She knew why that was up. He wouldn't be able to let it rest. He'd go over every piece of information he had. He often told her that a good captain used everything and forgot nothing. She glanced through it, familiarising herself with his records. There were no surprises there. She might be young, but even she understood why he'd done it. Lots and lots of people had died in the war – plenty on this ship alone. She remembered their faces. It made her chest hurt thinking of them. She knew Jim would feel the same. However, nothing in them helped her with her current predicament. Underneath the file was a series of applications for leave by various crewmembers. She shifted through them quickly, and was beginning to wonder why she was stupid enough to rely on the opinion of a cat, when she found a file that caught her interest.

"Computer, play file." The music blared through the room, vibrating the vases, and Joanna's bemusement changed to disbelief and then hysteria. Jim looked up and gave her a reproachful look as she laughed, but clearly was unable to maintain it in the face of her amusement.

"What is _that_?" She managed to gasp out as the music continued.

"An experiment."

"An experiment? It sounds like someone's trying to strangle a cat while gurgling."

Jim gave her a thoughtful look, then smiled slightly. "You know, it does sound like that."

"Where did you find it?"

"It was a present from Spock. He told me I should become more culturally aware."

"By listening to Tzenkethi music?" It really was some of the worst sounds she'd ever heard – and she'd spent hours listening to Vulcans try and sing. "I know how they won all those battles now – they just have to threaten the enemy with music and it would send them running."

He gave her an amused look. "Well maybe he was trying to help me build up an immunity to it, just in case."

She nodded. "It sounds like a _logical _plan, since you're a captain and all. But it's still awful. I think you must have done something to upset him."

"Don't be silly – the man's a Vulcan – he doesn't get upset."

She snorted. "Yes, the Vulcan's always say that. That's such a lie."

Jim gave her a mock outraged look. "Now now, Joanna. Are you accusing my first officer of emotion? That's probably a criminal offence."

"If the sentence get's me away from this I'll take it. Computer, end music." She gave a melodramatic sigh of contentment. Jim gave her a grin.

"Well, now you've ruined my chances of becoming more cultural."

She laughed at the relieved expression on his face. "Computer, play Klingon Opera number twelve."

Guttural screeches filled the air and Jim gave her a disgusted look. "Is this what kids are listening to these days?"

"Absolutely. It's pretty nice really, once you get over the sound of it and listen to the words."

Jim chuckled. "Isn't the sound of it the whole point of a song? Allow me to introduce you to the idea of poetry – nice words and less drums."

"But the drums are the best bit!"

Jim shook his head at her. "What is it even about? Wait, let me guess – battle, blood wine, and the smell of death."

"No Jim – this is a love story."

"A love story?" He raised his eyebrows sceptically.

"Well, sort of. It's about a man's love of his bat'leth."

"Only Klingons would write an opera about a sword."

"A bat'leth's not just a sword. And it's nice – it has far less blood and guts in it than most of the operas."

"You mean that it's only ninety percent blood? Does your dad know your listening to this?"

"Yep. Luckily he doesn't understand a word of it."

Jim laughed. "Much to his annoyance. You need to be educated in music, Sassy. Computer, play The Beatles - Yellow Submarine."

The words started blaring in his room and he sang along loudly (and poorly). Joanna watched him for a moment, entirely speechless, then burst into laughter again.

"Jim, that is appalling. What the hell is a submarine?"

He gave her an unimpressed look and folded his arms. "A submarine is an underwater ship. It was used to discover the last mysteries the Earth held."

"Where no man had gone before?"

He grinned at her. "Where no man had gone before."

"And they were yellow?"

"Of course they were – listen to the song."

She snorted but knew better than to question the accuracy of song lyrics when Jim was around. She shook her head at him. "And you criticise a man singing about a bat'leth?"

"It's a song about discovery Joanna. I used to listen to it as a kid, and dream of my own submarine, and sailing into the sun. That was what I wanted when I took this ship. I knew that sometimes we would have to fight, but I wanted to discover the universe, find its mysteries, make sense of it all." He sat down, his face suddenly weary. "But I don't know what the point is anymore."

She sat down beside him, heart hammering at this sudden change of mood. "Why?"

"Because for the last year I've seen battle after battle. I could live with that – I knew that wasn't forever, that we fought for peace. But now – when the very people we've fought for are accusing me of... Hell..." He wiped his face. "I see their faces sometimes – all the people that we've lost – that I've sent to their deaths. I know I have blood on my hands, but for them to accuse me of..."

Joanna felt sick. She reached out and took his hand in her own small ones. "You didn't want to." She said firmly.

Jim chuckled darkly in a way that made her shudder. "Didn't I? I don't know what I wanted. I wasn't even sure what we were fighting for in the end."

She traced the lines along his palm. Sometimes she thought that Jim didn't want her to like him. "I don't believe you."

"You should. I know you think I'm some sort of hero, Joanna, but sometimes I look back at the decisions I make and I wonder if my motives behind them were as pure as they should have been."

She shrugged. She'd never believe that Jim would do something like this for the wrong reasons. She knew sometimes Jim was dangerous, but her dad said that his moral compass always pointed due north, and she didn't doubt it. "You _are_ a hero." Jim gave her a sad look but made no comment. She suddenly hated the Federation for making him look like that. She hated them for what they did to a man who had won them this war. "You've always stood for the right things. You wouldn't have done it if there had been another way."

"You don't know that."

"Yes I do." She scowled at him. "I might be only twelve, Jim, but I know that we all have to stand for _something,_ else why would we fight? You stand for all the right things – like freedom, and peace - and that's why you fight, and that's why you destroyed those ships."

"A lot of people died."

She shrugged. "It's war – that's what happens. You stopped lots more."

Jim gave her a penetrating look for a few seconds. She wondered what he was thinking. Maybe he was annoyed at a little girl who didn't have much sensible to say. However, he suddenly smiled at her. "When did you get so wise, Sassy?"

She snorted. Her dad would laugh out loud if he heard that word used about her. "It's hanging out with all those Vulcans." She glanced up at him. "Do you feel better now?" His eyes weren't as troubled, but she could still sense the heaviness there.

He smiled again. "A bit. Don't worry though kid, you can't keep me down for long. I'll be fine tomorrow."

She wasn't sure she believed him. "You're going to fight this, right? You can't let people think bad things about you."

Jim chuckled. "Of course I will. If I didn't your dad would never let me hear the end of it, and Spock would sulk for months. I'd rather face anything than the pair of them. Besides, I have no intention of losing my ship anytime soon."

She gave a satisfied nod – she believed that he would do anything to keep his ship. It was more important to him than anything. "Good. If you got thrown into prison I'd have to come rescue you."

Jim chuckled softly. "Is that so? Then what would we do? I'd be a man on the run."

"We'd become pirates of course."

Jim nodded seriously. "Of course. Though I'm not sure what your dad would think if you left school at twelve."

"I'm sure I'd learn much more being a pirate with you."

Jim laughed. "Probably – but all the wrong things."

"You can't learn wrong things – all knowledge is valuable, that's what Lotoc says."

Jim glanced at her, curious. "Who's Lotoc?"

"He's one of the teaching aids at school. He's a grown-up. He's doing a study on thought patterning in kids. I think he likes me – he says the way I think is all curvy instead of straight lines – but it's hard to know. He is Vulcan, after all." Sometimes she thought he really liked her – he never smiled or said anything, but he seemed to enjoy spending time with her. However, other times, like in class, he ignored her like he was ashamed of knowing her in front of his other students. Well, she was used to that by now, but she couldn't pretend it didn't hurt her.

"So you're friends with him?"

"Not really. But I do extra lessons with him. He tries to help me organise my thinking. He's been teaching me meditation."

Jim's face was thoughtful. "Is that so? What does your dad think of that?"

She shrugged. "I haven't really told him about it."

"Why not?" He was watching her carefully again and she didn't understand why.

"I don't know." She supposed that sometimes she didn't want her dad to know everything. Sometimes she wanted to prove to him that she could be sensible on her own. "Does it matter?"

He shrugged. "Who else knows about the extra classes?"

"Some of the teachers – they make sure we have classroom space. They think it's an 'interesting experiment.'"

"I see." She was growing worried that she was doing something wrong, but his smile relieved it. "Well, Joanna, I figured it wouldn't take long before they started experimenting on you. I've been telling your dad that you're a nutcase for years."

"Hey!" She punched him playfully and he laughed.

"All right, I'm sorry."

"You should be. I'm not crazy."

"Are you sure? I don't know..."

She scowled at him. "I'm perfectly normal."

Jim laughed all the harder. "You're anything but normal, Sassy, but I wouldn't like you so much if you were." He shook his head in amusement. "So what are we going to do?"

She shrugged and leant her head against his arm. "Tell me a story?"

"About what?"

"One about the girl with the red balloon." His true stories were good, but the ones that he made up were better. It occurred to her that she was probably getting to old to hear stories these days, but there was something comforting in his voice and the plots were always interesting.

"The girl with the red balloon? Well let me think..." He was silent for a few moments and she adjusted herself into a more comfortable position.

"Have I told you about the girl and the three captains?"

"Nope."

"Ok then. Here it goes. One day, the girl with the red balloon was playing in her garden. She was having so much fun that she attracted the attention of some visiting aliens, who were very curious about Humans. They watched her play for a long time and studied her behaviour carefully."

She chuckled. "They sound like Vulcans."

"Not Vulcans, but they were scientists. Anyway, she had such a lovely smile that one of the aliens couldn't help but touch her. Unfortunately, touching another species is always a precarious thing, and she was transported hundreds of lightyears away to a barren planet."

"All alone?"

"All alone. But luckily it wasn't for long. A Vulcan research party had just beamed to the surface, and were perplexed by her presence, so brought her back to the ship. Its captain was a clever man but was unmoved by the small girl's tears and pleas that he take her home. He was heading to the Horsehead Nebula and Earth was far out of his way. He decided to continue with his mission of research and to take her with them. He hoped that maybe he would find a passing Human ship and hand her over."

"She must have been scared being so far from home." She knew from experience that the Vulcans would not be a comfort to a scared, small child – they wouldn't understand fear, and the need for kindness.

"Maybe, but the girl with the red balloon was brave. She hid her tears and her fear, and tried to fit in. Her sense of humour and compassion impressed the Vulcans and she became a valued member of the ship."  
>"Really? But she was only a child."<p>

"Age doesn't matter, Joanna. You can contribute at any age to a community."

"I suppose so..."

He chuckled, shaking his head at her. "We'll talk about that later. Anyway, in the nebula, a strange virus came over the crew. It made them very sick, but the girl, because of her Human DNA, was immune. Soon the crew were so ill they could no longer run the ship. The girl did what she could but didn't know how to cure them. She could have taken one of the shuttles and left then, but she didn't. Instead she stayed and nursed them as best she could, and kept the life support in place. She worked herself to exhaustion, and finally fell into a deep sleep. When she awoke she was in a hospital bed and all the Vulcans were cured."

"But how?"

"The virus, although very serious, was self-limiting. It burnt itself out after a few days."

"That was convenient."

"Sure, but these things happen."

"Only to you." She muttered. He was the luckiest man in the universe.

"Anyhow;" He ignored her and ploughed on. "The Vulcan captain was grateful for the kindness she showed the crew, and offered to take her home. So they turned the ship around and flew back towards the Earth. The End."

"The end? But you said the story was about three captains!"

He laughed. Clearly that had been deliberate. "So I did. Well spotted. So it's not the end. On the way back to Earth the Vulcan ship was attacked by a Klingon Bird of Prey. They took the crew hostage. The Klingon captain was surprised that there was a small Human girl on a Vulcan ship, and asked her all sorts of questions. The girl asked him to take her home, but he just laughed at her, then locked her in a cell with the other hostages."

"He doesn't sound very nice."

Jim shrugged. "The Klingons think Humans are weak. You have to prove yourself to them before they'll even listen to you – I learnt that one the hard way. The girl with the red balloon knew this, however, and listened carefully to what was going on in the ship around her. She found out that the captain's father had been kidnapped and the Klingons were on a rescue mission. Now, you should know there are three important things to the Klingons – Family, Honour, and Glory – in that order. The captain would do anything to get his father back. It was a good job too, because the prison was well-fortified and would easily withstand a direct attack."

"Couldn't they get in another way?"

"Probably – but the Klingons aren't very good at being sneaky. They find honour in battle remember – not in the sneaking about. Most of them don't bother applying their minds that way. However, the girl was clever. She thought carefully, then took all of her courage and demanded to see the Klingon captain. She told the captain that she would volunteer to free his father – she would crawl into the prison through some vents. In exchange, he would free the Vulcans and take her home. The Klingon captain was impressed with her courage, but drove a hard bargain. They haggled over terms for hours, but eventually agreed that the Vulcans would go free in exchange for the prisoner."

"But what about her? Don't the Klingons drink blood, and eat their food live?" She couldn't imagine how a little girl could survive on that.

"Yes, but she was brave, and she'd grown to love the Vulcans. They shook hands and she was beamed to the surface. The girl managed to free the Klingon and there was a great celebration on his return. As agreed, they freed the Vulcans, and the Klingons went back to their home planet. On the way back, the girl showed her bravery again and again, and the Klingons grew to respect her mind. She was given the highest honour – she was adopted into the captain's clan, and was therefore seen as a Klingon."

"I don't understand – she was a different species."

"It's complicated, Joanna. Although species is obviously important, being adopted into a clan made her a sister to the other Klingons, and gave her right to the protection and privileges that other Klingons have."

"So quite a big deal then."  
>"Yep. However, although the girl had a new family, she hadn't forgotten about her family on Earth. The Klingon captain saw this – and understood how important her other family was to her. One day, a Human ship passed by, and the Klingon allowed her to leave if that was what she wanted. She thanked them for the kindness they'd showed her, but took the offer. The Bird of Prey uncloaked for a moment, and beamed her across to the ship."<p>

"Where there was the third captain? He was a Human?"

"Yes. The third captain was travelling the stars. He had been gone from Earth for a long time, and was all alone."

"He didn't have a crew?"

"No. His ship was only small, and he didn't want a crew. He said he liked being alone and was angry when the girl appeared on his ship. If they had been close to a planet, he would have beamed her there."

"That's horrible!"

"Yes – he wasn't exactly friendly. She asked him whether he would take her home, but he told her he had no intention of going back to Earth. He would leave her somewhere when he got supplies. That night the girl was sad – sadder than she'd ever been. She had been alone for a long time, and she missed her family, and all the friends she had made. She was tired of being brave and having to pretend to be something that she wasn't. She started to cry, but if the captain heard her, he ignored her. The next day she felt a bit more optimistic. She tried to get to know the Human captain as she had the other two, but it wasn't easy. He barely spoke to her and mostly pretended she wasn't there."

"I don't like this captain."

"Neither did the Girl with the Red Balloon, but she persevered. He began to thaw a little, and she realised that he wasn't so bad. He would always share his rations equally with her, and sometimes he'd tell her stories about the places and people he'd seen. He looked after her too – but so quietly that she didn't realise he was doing it for a long time. The lonely feeling began to ease, but she still missed Earth. She wondered what would make a man leave his home and not want to go back. Sometimes she thought he was just as lonely as she was."  
>"Why?"<p>

"Because he never made her leave, despite saying he would. And sometimes he looked out into space with such a sad look that the girl wanted to cry for him."

"That's so sad. Why doesn't he go home?"

"That was the puzzle the girl tried to work out. Then one day she realised the truth – he had no home. He was just as lost as she was. So she took his hands and looked him boldly in the face and told him: 'You and I are the same.'"

'You and I are the same' Joanna silently told the man next to her. "What did he do?"

"He knew she was right – he'd known before she had. Together they flew the ship back to Earth, and the girl took him to her home. Her family were so grateful to him for her safe return that they demanded he live with them – so they all lived happily ever after."

Jim fell silent next to her, staring at the wall with an unreadable expression on his face. She wondered whether there really was a happy ending to that story. She'd begun to suspect recently that the girl with the red balloon might not be fictional. It was just a feeling, and she was probably wrong because she didn't see how such a girl could be real, but there was something in the way he told the stories, a look in his eyes like he was almost remembering. Then there was the way he'd never change the story even when she protested and pleaded, as she had done sometimes when she was small, even if the story didn't make much sense. And there were always these silences afterwards, as if he was trying to make sense of something. There was no point asking – the girl with the red balloon was the only subject Jim would never talk to her about. It annoyed her sometimes, but she knew better than to ask now. Instead she hugged him around the middle.

"What was that for?" The man looked down at her in bewildered amusement.

"For a good story. Thanks."

"You're welcome. Now, you should probably go and find your dad – I'd better not keep you here late."

"It's not late at all." She protested. She didn't want to leave his company yet. "I hoped you'd tell me about that new rock over there. It looks interesting."

The man chuckled and she felt it vibrate through her. "It is interesting." She settled herself down as he launched into another story. At some point her head migrated onto his lap, and he automatically began to stroke her hair. Her eyelids grew heavy from his voice and his warmth. She must have fallen asleep at some point, because when she awoke she was on his sofa alone, blanket tucked around her, and a note neatly lying on top of her. She read it through bleary eyes.

'Your dad knows where you are.' She frowned at it for several seconds, unsure of what to make of it. She checked the time – it was the next day. Early but clearly not early enough since Jim was gone. She was surprised he hadn't woken her. She was a light sleeper. She was indecisive for a moment, then pulled off her blanket, and padded over to the computer.

"Computer – find me everything you can on the current Federation political situation."

"Three thousand seven hundred and twenty-six articles retrieved."

She sat thoughtful for a moment, then shed her last hold on her childhood, and opened her eyes. "Load articles."

_A/N: Next chapter's song is Without You by Breaking Benjamin. Thanks for reading._


	7. Interference

6. Interference

_Back to the main plot. Bonus points to any of the Trekkies out there who recognise the significance of Joanna's pseudonym (yes, I truly am a geek but I'd like to think that some of you reading this are as bad as me!).The best thing about alternate timelines is you can work things however you like (I suppose this is also one of the many benefits of fanfiction too!). Thanks for reading and please review._

Without You – Breaking Benjamin

All I have is one last chance

I won't turn my back on you

Take my hand, drag me down

If you fall then I will too

And I can't save what's left of you

_There is an old custom among my people. When a woman saves a man's life, he is grateful._ – Nona. TOS – A Private Little War

Stardate: 2269

Jim: Aged 36

Joanna: Aged 20

Jim knew he had a way of attracting trouble. He always felt it was one of the things that made life more interesting. However, as he watched his best friend's daughter sit amongst slave-traders, arms dealers and drug smugglers that he'd spent a lifetime fighting, he had to take his hat of her. Even he hadn't managed to get himself into something this deep. The most concerning part was how at ease she looked amongst them. She'd got better at hiding her emotions as a teenager, and he'd put it down to the Vulcans that she spent so much time with, but she was never like this – completely blank. If she was feeling anything he could see no sign of it. It was like someone else had stolen her body – someone older, unfeeling, ruthless. Well, he wasn't going to rule out the possibility that she had been occupied, but that brief flicker of emotion he'd seen in the bar had put it down the list a bit.

He was distracted from his thoughts when the Cardassian beside her began to talk again. He wondered if he had some hold on her. Maybe he was forcing her to do this. He leant closer to the small gap he'd made between doors, keeping his peripheral vision on the guards dotted around the room. Breaking into this place hadn't been easy, and he didn't fancy attracting this party right now.

"Colleagues, this is-."

"My name is Antonia Salvatori. I have a proposition for you." She interrupted him swiftly and ruthlessly, her voice entirely fearless.

"A proposition?" The Ferengi looked amused and he felt suddenly scared for her. The Ferengi looked relatively harmless in comparison to the others around the table, but there were none so ruthless in business. "A Human female youth wants to offer a proposition? You do not have the lobes for such business. Sarkat was foolish to bring you here." He turned a frown on the man, who clearly bristled. He'd obviously been in trouble once tonight – he wouldn't want to be again. Jim could imagine what they did to people who they didn't like.

"You will be unfamiliar with her name – but you'll know her deeds. She was the force that outsold us to the Loterians, she got photon torpedoes to the Romulans, and she's been able to smuggle a starship across the Alpha quadrant without Starfleet noticing."

Jim blinked. He'd heard rumours about the starship – the Enterprise had even attempted to track it before they'd been pulled off-course by an ion storm. But there was no way that could have been her. She was twenty years old. No, that didn't necessarily mean anything. But she was Joanna McCoy – a Starfleet nurse, for goodness sake. She hated the sight of a phaser. What would she be doing with photon torpedoes, let alone flying a starship?

"Interesting. How do you know she does not claim for others work?"

The Cardassian frowned. "I believe it was within our best interest to know what we were dealing with so I tracked her down with much difficultly. I was as sceptical as you were, I assure you, but she proved herself to my colleagues, which, as you can see, aren't able to join us." Jim stared. He was beginning to feel like he'd walked into a parallel universe. "Certainly, I can substantiate her ability to produce the goods."

"And she just let you find her, after remaining nameless to even me for all this time?" The Human at the head of the table looked unconvinced.

"I wanted to be found." Joanna said calmly. "As I said, I have a proposition for you."

"Yes. You did. Tell me, how did you smuggle the starship? Or is that just a little girl's story?"

She looked the man in the eye. Well that was brave of her – he didn't much like the way he was looking at her. "As you say, I am a little girl. I raise no suspicion amongst Starfleet – and I would not have got so far without learning how to act the part. Besides, most know how to turn a blind eye, with the right leverage." Her voice became soft and almost threatening. "I am very good at finding leverage."

Jim felt sick. He wasn't sure who this woman was, but it wasn't Joanna. A small voice reminded him that he hadn't seen her in two years. Maybe she'd changed. But no – she'd still written to him every week. She was still the same girl in those letters. The persistent voice in his mind (which always sounded rather like Spock) pointed out that the contents of at least her last letter must have been a lie. And if that was the case, who was false – the girl in the letters, or the woman before him?

The Human raised a hand and two guards stepped forwards aggressively and removed a steel case from her lap. She looked unsurprised. "I think we should see exactly what you're proposing."

He gave a nod and one of the guards attached a PADD to the case to break the lock. A short beep assured him that it was hacked, and he pressed the button to open it. Then he froze, convulsed hard, and fell to the floor in a heap. There was a moment of silence.

The Ferengi laughed. "Very nice. I see you are no novice." She made no movement, her face impassive. "Perhaps you should forgive my colleagues rudeness. I am certainly interested in what you have to propose."

She gave a nod and one of the other guards stepped over his fallen comrade and removed the case, somewhat nervously he thought, handing it back to her. She caressed the case almost affectionately, and he felt that jolt of fear again – that expression in her eyes didn't look Human.

"I have recently been able to acquire a weapon that I believe you will find interesting." She placed her palm on the surface of the case, then bent and breathed onto the small panel that revealed itself. There was a click, then it opened for her and she brought out a very small vial.

Oh damn. He knew what that was. He'd seen something – and destroyed something - similar only months ago. "A biological weapon?" The Ferengi's voice was calm, but he was rubbing his ears in a way that was clearly interested. Oh hell. How was that possible?

"Yes. Complete and tested. I'm sure that you're familiar with those used in the past. We call ours SUM. It is multi-species targeted with an initial killing radius of several kilometres in five minutes. It has an airborne mode of transmission and as soon as it is in the air, it multiplies in under a second, such that death rises exponentially. Extinction of an average sized planet is under three hours."

There was a moments silence again, and then everyone began speaking simultaneously.

An Andorian Jim had had his eye on most of the meeting for the simple reason that they had previously met in less than pleasant circumstances was looking incredulous and found the confidence to speak out loudly. "The Federation have destroyed every biological weapon scheme in existence. No weapon makes it past preliminary testing any longer. It's impossible – Starfleet are too adept at recognising the test signs." Jim felt a wave of satisfaction at that. The Enterprise had played a key role in eliminating the threat of biologicals in the quadrant. They'd seen whole races wiped out over the years and he had made it one of his life's missions to shut down every operation in existence. Which was why he didn't believe what he was hearing. Joanna was not selling a biological – even if it was possible to be manufactured. She knew exactly what they did. No matter what she'd been forced into, nothing could make her do that. Nothing.

Joanna shrugged. "And yet here it is. There's more than one way to test a weapon. And there are many ways to hide the signs, if you're careful."

"And you are?"

She shrugged. "I am careful, but I am no scientist. However, I've had the opportunity to sponsor some of the best. It's amazing how inventive you can be with a common goal in mind."

"A common goal?" The Ferengi looked intrigued. "Latinum is not usually a large enough incentive for you Humans." He made it sound like an insult.

Joanna smiled for the first time. It didn't meet her eyes. "True. I am not here for Latinum."

"Then why are you here? Why not sell this weapon yourself?"

"Because I have a particular purpose in mind for this weapon, and I know that you will be able to help me with it."

"And what do we get out of it?" The Human's eyes narrowed in suspicion. "What exactly is your goal, little girl?"

She crossed her hands on her lap almost submissively, and gave them all a small smile. "It is simple. I will bring down the Federation."

For a moment he was stunned. So stunned that he took his eyes off the guards. That was a mistake. The door opened with no warning and he was face to face with a very large man. Thankfully his reflexes took over, and he punched him as hard as he could. The man fell backwards with a shout and he heard the clear sound of charging phasers in his direction. Time to go.

He ran down the corridor, navigating himself around the staff of the hotel. There was a back kitchen door and he ran through the stunned chefs, pulling shelves behind him in an attempt to slow down his pursuers. The shouts of the workers turned to screams as shots were aimed at his back. He moved to use his own phaser, but realised he'd lost it at the bar. Great – another disadvantage. He kicked the doors open, only to find two more guards at the door, waiting for him. He had to drop to avoid their phaser-fire as they too joined the melee, blocking his escape. Damn it, he wasn't getting out of that door. One of the guards had reached him and he only just managed to disarm him, kicking the phaser to the floor so that the fire spitted out amongst the staff. There were more screams as people pushed past, trying to make their way out, and he used it to his advantage, fighting free of his captor, then making his way to another corridor. It led to a staircase. He didn't feel good about going up – but he was out of options. Up it was.

He ran up seven flights, then through a door and onto the roof. The footsteps behind him echoed closely. He didn't have much time. The roof of the next building wasn't too far, and he made it with a run and jump. Thank goodness for the flat roofs of Adigeon Prime. They followed him easily, and blew a nice hole into the roof where he'd just been standing. Well, that wasn't good. He was going to have to either hide, or run somewhere they couldn't follow. Flat roofs weren't good for hiding, so it looked like he was going to have to do the latter. Good job he had the head for heights. He made another easy jump, then at a flat out sprint made another jump across an alley and onto a glass topped building by the skin of his teeth. He heard someone try to make the jump and drop to the alley below with a scream, but the sizzling sound of phaser fire by his ear suggested they were still behind him. He drew them onto the centre of the roof, but hearing the glass crack under his feet, sprinted to the edges. The guards, with their body armour were slower than him and as the glass shattered beneath them they fell straight down. He dropped too, but managed to grab the edge of the building with his fingertips. A glance downwards to their motionless bodies told him he wouldn't survive it if he dropped now. He managed to brace his legs on a steel support and pulled himself up with great effort, then balanced precariously and jumped onto the roof of the next building. No one followed him. Well, that dealt with that problem. There were sirens in the distance – he needed to get off the rooftops. He had a feeling that Admiral Pike would be a bit annoyed if he managed to get himself arrested again – especially on this sort of planet; he didn't think he could bear the 'appropriate behaviour of a Starfleet captain' speech again. Thankfully there was a staircase leading into an alley on the side of the building, and he took it quickly. The alley he came out into was quiet, despite the noise of the street, and he took a moment to catch his breath. It was just starting to rain, and the alley stunk of things he couldn't see in the darkness, but frankly didn't want to think about. He tried to plan his next move – he was far from the hotel now, and he probably wouldn't be able to resist capture again if he attempted to go back for Joanna. He was going to have to track her down some other way. The woman at the bar had said she'd been in for the last few nights – which meant she had to have somewhere to stay through the day. He still didn't have any idea what was going on, and hated mysteries, but she was Joanna. He'd been looking out for her since she was five. And she'd always looked out for him.

The feeling of a knife at his throat was the only thing that gave him an indication that he was in trouble again.

"Empty your pocketsss." A low voice hissed into his ear in a thick accent. Clearly the alley hadn't been as unoccupied as he'd thought. Good grief – four hours and he'd been distracted so much he was forgetting every rule he'd ever learnt the hard way.

"Trust me, I've got nothing you're going to want." He told his assailant semi-honestly.

The knife bit deeper into his throat. "Now."

He weighed his options. The money wasn't going to be a problem, but he had his communicator, and his Starfleet ID, and he couldn't give those up without a fight. He pulled them obediently out of his pocket. He felt the being bend round to look, dropping the pressure of the knife slightly. He moved quickly, twisting out of the grip of the knife, then punching the man in the stomach with his free hand. Except there wasn't one being – there was two, and he had dropped the smaller. The larger was a Tellarite, dressed in rags and evil eyed. Before he could even react he'd pinned Jim to the wall with sheer body weight, crushing his ribs until he saw stars and couldn't breathe. He kneed the being with everything he had, then punched him, but it was no use – he'd clearly done this before. The being was a head smaller than him but weighed the same as a small elephant and wasn't going anywhere. He dropped everything in his hands and attempted to strangle the being, but his hands were shaking from lack of oxygen now, and there were spots in front of his eyes. He squeezed as hard as he could, but the Tellarite pressed him even harder against the wall. Just when the suffocation was so bad his hands went limp a shot rang out and the holding force fell to the ground, him with it.

He gasped for air, his vision quickly recovering, but his ribs aching on each breath. He sensed the presence of his saviour in front of him, but they were silent and motionless. He picked up the spilled contents of his pockets, attempting not to think about what he'd have to clean off them later, and stood to meet them.

He was surprised – although not as surprised as he should have been – to see Joanna standing before him, phaser in hand, still dressed in black. Her face was expressionless, but there was a gleam in her eyes that gave him the impression she was not amused. Suddenly, and for the first time in her presence, he had no idea what to say.

"Glad to see you got over your aversion to firearms." He blurted before his brain had caught up.

She shrugged, a small motion, her face almost wary. "I decided I liked staying alive better." He suddenly wanted to hug her and break that expression. If it had been the normal Joanna, he would have. But this woman was a strange mixture of new and familiar that made him nervous, and almost tongue-tied.

"Good choice." She handed him the phaser and he didn't understand why until he looked at it. "Hey – isn't this my phaser? You took my phaser? At the bar?"

Her eyes flashed. "I didn't want you shooting anyone."

"But it was okay for them to shoot at me?"

She shrugged again. "I've worked too hard for that meeting for you to screw it all up."

He frowned at her. "All what up? Just what is going on Joanna?" She said nothing, just stared at him with those large brown eyes – perfect eyes her dad called them years ago, and he had silently agreed. "Let me help you."

Then she gave him an angry look. "Help me? I don't need any help."

"Are you kidding? Because it seems to me that you just offered to sell a biological weapon to some of the greatest low-lives in this quadrant. It looked likes you need help all right."

"I know what I'm doing."

"No you don't – you can't do. Do you know who those people are – what they are?"

"I'm the one selling the weapon, remember? Of course I do." He did remember, and he didn't even know where to begin with that.

"Just tell me who's making you do this. Or better yet, come with me now. We could be back on Earth in a few days – you'd be safe then, and I can protect you till we get there."

"Protect me? Damn it, I don't need you're protection – I'm exactly where I want to be." The fire in her eyes was more familiar, the Joanna he knew. "I'm not a little girl. How dare you walk back into my life and do this to me."

"I never walked out of your life." She raised her eyebrows at him, and he knew that was a lie. He had walked out of her life two years ago. For very good reasons. He tried to keep his voice reasonable. "Joanna, what you are doing is dangerous. I don't know what you think you're doing, or why you're doing it, but these people will kill you without a thought when they realise you're bluffing."

Her face became suddenly expressionless, her eyes hard again. "I'm not bluffing." A sudden thread of ice threaded through his stomach. No, it couldn't be. "And do you know what's dangerous? Me standing here talking to a Starfleet captain where anyone can hear us. Your mere presence could have got me killed tonight – let alone me having to come and rescue you. If they even suspect I know you – that I used to have another name - I'll be dead"

He hadn't thought about that – of the cost to her. And as for another name... "Joanna, you know I can't leave you. How could I face your dad?"

For a moment there was heat in her eyes again. Then it faded. "Forget you ever saw me. Or don't – but keep your mouth shut. What I'm doing is none of your business."

"Biological weapons are my business."

"Very well, _Captain_ Kirk." Her voice was venomous. "I'm sure if you meet me again you can arrest me – or at least try. I'm sure it will be a great feather in that Starfleet cap of yours." He felt a flicker of hurt. Did she think that he cared about what Starfleet thought of him – after all this time? What he cared about was her. What had happened to her? "However, I've saved your life twice tonight, so the least you can do is let me walk away."

"Joanna-."

"Do it." Her voice was firm, her eyes hard as flint.

He felt suddenly helpless. He hated that feeling. He desperately looked for signs of the girl he'd once known better than himself. "Just who are you?"

She turned away from him. "I am Antonia Salvatori. Get the next flight to Earth. Don't follow me."

She walked out of the alleyway and into the crowds and he made no move to stop her. The face of the woman haunted him, as the words of a little girl's letters ghosted through his mind.

_A/N – Song for the next chapter is I Want to Protect You, by the Eels. We're dealing with the Taking of the Enterprise next chapter. A foreknowledge of my other story isn't absolutely necessary for this, but it might help to make sense of the situation._


	8. The Taking of the Enterprise

7. The Taking of the Enterprise

_A/N – Sorry about such a long time for an update. To make up for it this is a very long chapter. Here's how the strange friendship between the pair begins. As I said previously, if you've read my other story the situation in the following will make a bit more sense, but it's not necessary. I think you'll find out a bit more about Joanna too. The point of these early chapters is to show exactly how Joanna becomes what she does. I hope you like this – and thanks for reading._

I Want To Protect You - The Eels

I want to protect you

I want you to be safe and sound

At night in this world

Such a delicate girl needs someone

To look out for the wolves

I want to protect you

"_I do not bargain for control of my ship."_ – James T. Kirk. TOS - Let That Be Your Last Battlefield

Stardate: 2257

Jim: Aged 24

Joanna: Aged 8

Jim inspected his senior staff with a critical eye as the shuttle landed neatly on the pad. Scotty was ever unaware, distracted by some implement in his hands, while his second was attempting to make conversation with Sulu, who didn't look even remotely interested. Uhura was standing neatly next to Spock, neither of whom were speaking but obviously didn't need to. Spock looked his usual blank self, Uhura looked professional. The act was only broken by the fact their hands kept brushing. He snorted quietly to himself. He'd have to mention that to Spock later. McCoy, on the other hand, was all too obvious in his emotions. He was standing near the end of the row scowling, arms crossed on his chest. Well, that wasn't unusual in itself, but Jim knew that Bones had reason for his worry today. Joanna, his fabled daughter, was about to arrive on the Enterprise for the first time. The man had been antsy due to the current political situation alone – add a daughter that he hadn't seen in over a year and the man was almost unbearable. Poor Christine was clearly trying to comfort him, but he had the feeling that she wouldn't succeed much until he saw the girl was safe and sound with his own eyes. McCoy distrusted technology in a way that bordered paranoid.

He had to admit he was intrigued about seeing his friend's daughter again. The last time they'd met was hazy but he remembered her serious face and those large brown eyes. She'd seemed so sad. He found that perplexing, although he couldn't exactly pinpoint why. He wondered how much like her father she was. He'd like to meet a mini-Bones properly, if only for amusement.

The shuttle doors opened, and two people emerged that were less welcome on his ship. The pair of elderly men looked at the landing pad with what he could only call condescension. That annoyed him. But Jim was well used to masking his irritation under affability these days.

"Admiral Chapman, Admiral Brooks, welcome to the Enterprise." He kept his voice genial and moved to shake the hands of the head of Starfleet Intelligence and his second.

"Captain Kirk." They exchanged a look. Their eyes were hard, but so were his. He had to most to lose right now.

An Illyrian followed the admirals from the ship. Plat he recalled was fairly benign, although his presence could only mean trouble. He had an inkling he wasn't what he appeared, and turning up with the two others almost confirmed this. He gave him a nod, and the man gave him an appraising look but eventually gave him a bow. He liked Illyrians. Generally they hated the Federation, but they always did so with politeness.

Finally Pike got off the ship, accompanied by one person that caught everyone's attention. The girl was saying something in a hushed voice, causing the admiral to laugh, and her to look almost reproachful. Joanna had grown since he'd last seen her, but clearly not by much since she still barely came up to Pike's elbow. Her hair was darker too, plaited neatly down her back. He wanted to think she was pretty but in truth she wasn't exactly – with a mouth slightly too large for her angular face. However her eyes were exactly as he remembered – large and brown and serious.

"Now, which one of these people do you belong to?" Pike asked her with interest, glancing down the awaiting crew. He noticed that most of them looked equally as interested. As far as he knew he was the only one that knew McCoy had a child. He glanced at Christine's face and modified his appraisal – it would seem that the man had finally managed to tell someone else. About time too.

Joanna's face looked suddenly nervous. Well, he supposed that she hadn't seen her dad for some time – and now she had to do it rather publicly. He would have spared them that if he could. Bone's stepped forward like he'd thought his daughter had forgotten what he looked like. "She's mine, Admiral."

Pike smiled and Jim enjoyed the shocked looked on his crew's faces. "Your daughter has been telling me the Starfleet policy on the extradition of non-Federation personnel has several significant flaws. I should have known she was yours, McCoy." Jim attempted not to laugh. Yes, she was certainly the doctor's.

"Is that so?" Bone's analysed his daughter sternly but Jim could see the amusement in his eyes. He liked that his daughter had some sass. "Hello Joanna."

Joanna grinned at her father, completely unperturbed. "Hi Dad." She glanced at Admiral Pike obstinately. "Well it does, you know."

The admiral laughed. "I'll be sure to pass on your views to Starfleet Command. It was nice to meet you." He turned from the reunion and gave him a meaningful look. Clearly the reason he was really here was serious. "Now Captain Kirk, how have you been treating my ship?"

Jim came to meet him, hoping to draw attention from his CMO. "Last time I checked, Admiral, she was _my_ ship, but we treat each other nicely. Commander Scott's been putting in some upgrades. I'm sure you'll want to view them when you have the chance."

Pike immediately understood what he was offering. They needed to talk – in private. "I believe I shall." His eyes briefly shifted to the other admirals. Clearly he had no love for them either. "We're going to need access to all your records." Definitely bad then – Pike was warning him they'd be looking at the private files too.

"Of course. Spock, will you see the Admirals to my office and check they have everything they need. I'll join you shortly."

Spock got the hint as quickly as he always did. He wanted the Vulcan to see what files they were accessing – and he wanted a heads up if this all went to hell. "Of course Captain. If you would follow me."

The admirals nodded, clearly unimpressed by his dismissal, but followed Spock quietly. Clearly he'd have to deal with their dissatisfaction later, but right now he had more interesting things to focus on.

He turned his attention to Joanna. "Now we've got rid of that lot, I should welcome you properly, Joanna, to the Enterprise. I've been looking forward to getting to know you for some time." Bones gave him an ironic look. The man had flatly refused to let him meet her again, no matter how he'd attempted to persuade him. He was still annoyed that he'd turned up at his ex-wife's home without warning. And that he read his mail (and had kept reading it, although he was fairly sure his friend didn't know that). And had the audacity to be interested in his daughter.

Joanna turned to him, and he realised immediately what it was that had intrigued him about her. She had a way of looking at a person directly, like she could cut through everything, and see straight into the soul. He'd noticed it before when she'd looked down at him and asked him whether he was lost. He noticed it now, her large eyes assessing and serious.

"The last time I met you, you didn't look much like a captain." She told him frankly. He felt himself colour under her scrutiny and cringed inwardly at the weakness he was showing in front his crew. He didn't embarrass easily, but under this girl's gaze he couldn't help it. He supposed he hadn't made much of an impression at the time. McCoy raised an eyebrow at him, clearly agreeing with his assessment.

"Well, I wasn't a captain then. Do I look like one now?" He hoped she said yes – or the bridge was going to be an uncomfortable place if anyone dared tease him.

However, much to his relief, she smiled. "I think so."

"I'm extremely glad to hear it." He gave her a wink, secretly relieved. Bones rolled his eyes at him. Well best not keep anyone here longer than necessary. "Right, our meeting is at 0900 tomorrow morning. I expect everyone to be there. Dismissed."

The crew immediately dispersed, moving off in small groups. The many glances towards the doctor and his daughter told him the favourite topic of the conversation. He moved to meet them, but was curtailed by Uhura.

"Captain – do you have a moment?"

He glanced at his chief communication officer. Her face was impassive, but he knew her well enough to tell she was worried.

"Of course. What can I do for _you,_ Lieutenant?" He gave her a meaningful look, looking her body up and down, but was flirting as a point of habit.

She gave him an unimpressed look, but was no more serious than him. She knew he'd never go near her while she was in a relationship with Spock. Not whilst sober at any rate. "We might have a problem."

"In what way?"

The concern became evident on her face. "You recall that you asked me to retrieve the transmissions from Danube a few days ago?" He nodded, heart already sinking. "Well I found it, but also found something else. There were two transmissions to the Danube at the time."

"Two? You're sure? It wasn't a duplicate?"

"I'm sure. It was a ghost file."

"I see." They exchanged a significant look. This was bad."I assume that isn't all?"

She shook her head. "So I scanned the system for other ghost files. There are seventeen. The most recent was made to Galor three days before we arrive." Galor – where the entire senior staff had been taken hostage along with almost a thousand others. Galor was why he suspected the admirals were on board now. Damn, he was going to need Bones. The man wasn't going to forgive him, for pulling him away from his daughter right now, but he didn't have a choice. He'd make it up to him somehow.

"Bones, can you come here?" He shouted across the room. The man turned to him in irritation, but clearly saw something in his face, because gave him a nod of agreement, and broke from Nurse Chapel and his daughter after a moment.

"What's wrong?" He asked immediately. Jim noticed that Joanna was watching them on the other side of the room. He gave her an apologetic smile, and she returned it tentatively, than left with Christine.

"Tell him, Uhura."

The woman summarised quickly what she'd told him, and Bone's scowled. "Damn it, I'm a doctor, not a programmer. What the hell is a ghost file?"

"A ghost file, Bones, is a file that has been deleted, but whose data haunts the back-up systems." Sometimes Jim wondered how his friend had made it through the Academy.

"If the file had been a simple duplicate, the system wouldn't have deleted it." Uhura continued. "So I had a look at the date of creation – it piggybacked the captain's transmission three minutes after he had finished."

"And that means that someone else might have been speaking to the Danube when I was." The doctor's eyes narrowed, and he knew he was thinking along the same lines.

"So?" Ever obstinate.

"Well, I was on duty then, so I know that there were no other transmissions going through the authorised channels to the Danube. It made me think, anyhow. So I started to look in the back-up system for other ghost files. There are seventeen."

"What?" Now he looked nervous. He knew that Bones was keeping some important information from him. Because he trusted his friend, and had a feeling it was to do with Christine, he hadn't pushed. But the time was going to come soon when he had to. He hoped the man would be honest with him before that point came. He had a ship to protect.

"They were heavily encrypted before they were deleted, so I couldn't get into them – and the information I have on them is sparse. I don't even know when they occurred except for the last one. Because it's newer its ghost is fresher and has more information."

"And guess when it was made Bones?"

"Enlighten me." His face was darkening.

"It was made three days before we got to Galor."

"And was probably made to the Institute." Uhura added.

The man blanched. "You're saying that someone has been communicating with Galor using an encrypted transmission, and then deleted it from the system?"

Uhura nodded. "Yes, and the Danube too. And who knows where else."

"There's a spy on the ship, Bones." He forced himself to say what they both knew. Damn, right at the wrong time too - with the admirals here. With Joanna here too. He couldn't be taking an eight year-old into a dangerous situation.

McCoy exchanged a glance with him. "Jim, why did you want to look at the Danube transmission?" He asked slowly.

"Later, Bones." He didn't want to share that yet – not until his other theories were confirmed. He didn't want to worry the man more than he had to. "We need to go and see Scotty and see what's in these ghost transmissions."

Uhura was frowning, clearly attempting to put the information together. "Do you think that Starfleet have suspected a spy? Do you think that's why they're here?"

He shook his head. "No – this isn't about just a spy." This was about so much more than a spy. He needed to get the Enterprise battle-ready fast. "Dismissed, Lieutenant. Keep an eye out for any more transmissions that shouldn't be there. I trust you've already told Spock?"

"Yes captain."

He chuckled. No surprises there. He wondered what they actually found to talk about when there wasn't an intrigue on the ship. "Good. Keeps your ears open." He watched her leave, then turned to the bristling man beside him."Are you thinking what I am, Bones?"

"That this is big?"

"No, that we've missed breakfast." He attempted to relieve some of the tension from the situation with a laugh. Bones rolled his eyes, but he could see his friend relax slightly.

"Be serious, Jim."

"I am, but there's no point getting worried about this until we know we have to." That wasn't quite true, but Bones had more important things on his plate right now and worrying over a supposed spy wasn't going to help. He felt slightly guilty about adding to his worry – but he was his friend, and needed the heads up if this all went bad. Plus he needed someone he trusted to watch his back.

"I don't see how we can _not _get worried about this. You know what this might mean?"

"Yes, I think I have a pretty good idea." More than him, probably. Jim had realised exactly who they were dealing with since he saw the helmets on Galor. He'd met the I'sorta before.

They walked out of the bay towards engineering, and his thoughts strayed to the small girl he'd met again moments ago. "So... Joanna's grown up. She's as blunt as you are."

McCoy snorted, looking pleased. "There's no need to get nasty, Jim. You're just annoyed that she's not fawning all over you."

"I'm usually great with kids." He'd made a point of it. Every woman loved a man who was good with kids. Thankfully, it came rather naturally to him.

"That's because you still act like one. I don't know what you expected after last time you met."

He cringed away from that thought. "It wasn't that bad. I thought she liked me."

He rolled his eyes. "As much as you can like a bloody heap collapsed on her front lawn. She thought you were mad. I'm surprised you didn't leave her traumatised."

"Of course she wasn't. The daughter of Leonard McCoy would never be traumatised by a bit of blood." In fact she hadn't looked fazed in the slightest – what was a bleeding man, when her cat had been scared away after all?

McCoy laughed. "You haven't met her mother."

"Actually..." She was certainly someone he'd like to meet... Bones elbowed him and they walked into engineering.

Things had gone from bad to worse after that. He'd gone from engineering to see some very unhappy admirals. The subsequent wordplay had given him a headache – the fact that both refused to part with any useful information an even larger one. It was late when he'd left his office. He needed to go back to engineering and check on Scotty's progress. He also needed to get to the bridge and speak to Uhura. But first, he needed to make a visit to Spock, and see what he'd found out. He had the feeling that quarters were going to be the only safe speaking place for the near-future. Until they caught this spy and he got the heads of the S.I. off his ship at any rate.

He made his way down to deck fourteen, nodding to various crew and attempting to ignore the wound-up feeling in his chest. It was always like this before the storm – the feeling of static that built up inside him before the inevitable fight. The frustration that the admirals were causing him, in addition to the heightened tension of the crew following the attack on Galor, just added energy to the storm that he would eventually bring.

A small sound distracted him. His brain instantly recognised it as a sniffle and, as much as he wanted to ignore it, he couldn't help but search for the source. He didn't like people crying – never had, since he was a kid. Luckily for him, women seemed to think he was sensitive in his need to stop the tears. They didn't understand what it did to him – how it made him feel all tight inside. His mom had always cried – silently in her bed at night. He hadn't always known why until his was older and had found out about _that_ part of her life, but knew that something was wrong. Something he could never make better. Maybe that was why he avoided serious relationships. Or maybe not.

Joanna was standing in an abandoned corridor, arms wrapped around herself and sobbing her heart out. She looked so miserable, tears staining her face, and nose running. There was more than that though – a loneliness that radiated from her. He remembered feeling like that – so lonely. He didn't hesitate when he moved towards her.

"Is it that bad?" He asked conversationally, standing in front of her and offering her the handkerchief that he'd learnt always to carry with him for such emergencies.

She looked up at him with devastation in her eyes, then back down at the floor. "Yes." She started to cry harder, and he had to resist the temptation to bend down and hug the girl. Bones wouldn't like that at all, he reminded himself. He wondered where the doctor was. Maybe he'd caused the tears in the first place. It couldn't be easy for him to be suddenly reunited with her with all the other stress that was going on. He was a complex man, and clearly his daughter took after him in volatile emotions department.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He offered.

She shook her head, blowing her nose, and wiping her eyes in a rather poor attempt to control herself. He found that strange. Surely an eight-year old just wanted someone to talk to – to make it better? He searched for another solution.

"Well, what can I do then? Do you want me to find your dad?"

"No." Her voice was soft but vehement. It would seem his instincts were right.

"Well I can't just leave you here all sad. It's not good for the Enterprise."

Her curiosity got the better of her tears. Thank goodness – he was getting seriously uncomfortable. "Why? It's just a ship?"

"Just a ship?" He pretended to be offended. "The Enterprise is so much more than just a ship. She has moods, you know?" That was true enough. Sometimes he could almost feel it – her curiosity, her amusement, and occasionally her anger.

"Really?" Joanna was wide-eyed.

"Really. It will make her sad to see your upset – you're her guest after all. Tell me what I can do to help."

She wiped her nose again, but shook her head, fresh tears on her face. "Nothing can help."

He thought quickly in an attempt to avoid a fresh bout of weeping. No one had warned him how much more complicated things were when the crying female was a child. Then he grasped a good idea.

"You know, when I was a kid, I had a really good friend – like a big sister to me, who used to be nice to me when I was upset. Maybe she could help you..?"

"She's on the ship?"

He nodded. "Yep – and I think you know her. Christine Chapel." Their mothers had been friends when he was a kid, and being older, she had often babysat him. She'd listened to his tears an embarrassingly large number of times until she'd left to study. He'd had no one else to comfort him, and she'd been kind and patient. The sweet girl had turned into an even kinder woman. She'd be perfect. Especially since Bones was in love with her, and he was fairly sure she reciprocated his feelings. Might as well keep it in the family.

"Christine?" The girl turned serious eyes on him.

"Yes. You like her, don't you?" The girl nodded. "Good. Let's go and find her shall we?" He held out a hand to her, and after a moment she took it. It was small and cold in his.

"Where were you going?" Joanna asked curiously, sniffing slightly as they walked down the corridors.

"To see Spock." He told her truthfully.

"Oh. Is he your friend too?"

He chuckled. "Sure he is." He wondered what Spock would think of that. "He's my first officer too."

"He's a Vulcan." She pointed out.

"Yes he is. Does that make a difference?"

"Mom says that Vulcans don't like Humans."

Jim shrugged. "Maybe some don't, but not all Vulcans are alike – just like all Humans aren't. "

She seemed to consider this. "So some Vulcans can like Humans, and some Humans can like Vulcans?"

"Most people could be friends if they tried." They reached Christine's door, and Joanna looked at it nervously. "She won't mind." He reassured her. The girl nodded, then dropped his hand and glanced at him.

"Thanks Jim." She frowned slightly. "Or should I call you Captain? Sorry."

"Well, my friends call me Jim, but maybe you should call me Uncle Jim." He leaned towards her, lowering his voice conspiratorially. "I've always wanted to be someone's Uncle Jim."

The girl smiled for the first time since they'd met tonight. "Okay Uncle Jim. Thanks."

"Any time. Just remember things aren't usually as bad as you think." Her eyes filled with tears again and he touched her jaw. "Chin up." He turned so he wouldn't have to see the tears on her face again, and went to find his first officer.

There were a few places that Jim really felt he belong. As he sat in his chair, feeling the vibration of the Enterprise under his hands, the hum of conversation echoing around him, the flashing lights of the bridge, he knew that this was one of them. The heart of the Enterprise beat in time with his own. She was nervous, but the wait would soon be over. He'd only been captain for a year, but he trusted his instincts, and right now they were screaming at him. If this was a storm, it would already be raining. There was a spy on board, they were travelling to defend Earth from probable attack, and he had three admirals breathing down his neck and watching his every move. Something had to give. And right now, it would seem it was about to do so rather spectacularly.

"Sir, the Danube is still not responding to hails." Uhura reported to his left.

"Keep trying. And the other vessel?"

Spock rose from his seat. "I have no matches from the database. Their origin is still unknown."

"I see." He had a feeling that he knew what the origin was. So did Spock. And the doctor. Definitely the doctor. "Uhura, get Bones up here."

"Yes, sir." He wasn't going to like this – especially not with Joanna here. The tightness in his chest told him he didn't like the idea much either. Damn, he wished he hadn't seen her crying.

The door opened to the admirals, and he groaned in his mind whilst plastering his face with what he hoped was a welcoming smile. This was all he needed. Pike was welcome – and would always be welcome on the bridge. But Chapman and Brooks were a different thing all together. He'd had enough of them yesterday. Dealing of them was one of the worst parts of his job.

"Kirk – we've been informed there's a situation." Brooks said with ill-concealed annoyance. Jim felt a flair of annoyance of his own. Later he was going to find whoever had told them and put them on report. He'd deliberately not gone to red alert for this reason.

"You'd be correct. Now, if you'd be so kind as keeping out of the way so that we can do our jobs." He was probably shorter than he should have been but he had enough on his plate. Let them complain.

Brooks looked like he was going to protest, but Pike gave him a supportive nod. "By all means."

"Sulu, what's their position?"

"They're gaining on us, captain."

"Maintain speed. Kirk to engineering."

"Scott here, captain."

"How's she doing?"

He heard the worry in the Scottish brogue. "I don't think she's going to keep this up, sir, not if it comes to a fight."

"All right, deflect what you can to our shields. I'll think of something." He wasn't sure what that something might be yet though.

"Aye sir."

Spock came to join him, if face impassive. "Thoughts, Commander?"

"We cannot be sure that they mean us harm, captain. The Danube is a Federation ship. Perhaps damage has affected their communications."

"Has there been any indication that it has sustained damage?"

"No, captain. However, the error in scanning whilst travelling at such speed must be taken into account."

"And how do you account for the other ship?"

"I am unsure, but there may be many benign reasons."

"There may also be many malignant ones." Given the current situation, he knew which was more likely.

"Indeed."

"I feel it's better to err on the side of caution, given the circumstances."

"A wise choice, captain." Well at least he agreed. He doubted they were being pursued for a tea and conversation.

"Captain, the Danube is charging weapons."

Damn. "Understood. Uhura, contact Starfleet and inform them of the situation."

"Aye sir."

"Captain, what's going on?" Bones had finally made an appearance, looking perplexed. He didn't have time to answer him.

"They're gaining, captain." Miller shouted across from navigation. He weighed his options. Their shields could take a fair amount of fire, even from the Danube, but the firepower of the other vessel was unknown. Their charging of weapons was a clear threat – but to what end? Were they trying to scare them into fleeing, or expecting them to stay and fight? Well, running had never been his style.

"Sulu, bring us out of warp."

"Yes sir." He felt the engines slow, the stars on the viewscreen solidifying from the usual streaks. Scotty would be redistributing power to weapons. He stood, unable to remain seated until the first shot was fired.

"Report."

"Sir, they've come to a standstill with us – there is no movement."

"Open hailing channels – all frequencies."

"Channels open." Uhura reported after a second.

He put on his best negotiating voice. "USS Danube. Unknown ship. This is the Enterprise. Please-." He broke off when the lights went out. He suddenly knew exactly what was going on with startling clarity. "That's not good."

"Captain, the whole ship has lost power. We're adrift." Spock told him what he already knew.

"How did that just happen?" He demanded. Damn it – they were sitting ducks now.

"I am unsure, captain."

"Sounds like that spy has managed to find a way to turn off the power, Kirk. I said you needed to apprehend him." Chapman's voice murmured smugly from the corner. He felt a wave of annoyance.

"Not now, admiral. Spock, can you-." And then there was that unmistakable sound. His bridge disappeared from view, and dim light illuminated somewhere entirely different. The screens were green and flashed a matrix of a very different looking ship. Several of the crew were on the floor, their seats disappearing from under them. He watched Spock pick Uhura off the floor and touch the blood trickling down her face. Sulu was bending over Chekov, still lying on the floor. Bones spun around on his heels and swore colourfully. The worry the Jim had been beginning to feel gnaw at him, turned into full out panic. He wasn't on his ship. Someone had just taken his ship from him. This storm had turned into a tornado.

Some of the crew were already turning towards him for orders. He realised he had to keep it together. He was still their captain. He was going to get his ship back. One thing at a time.

"Anyone hurt?" He called over the noise. Several voices shouted out, and the doctor immediately moved to treat them.

"Kirk, just what is going on?" A familiar voice demanded. Damn, he'd forgotten about the admirals.

Luckily for them, Pike managed to answer for him. "I think that's rather obvious, Brooks. It seems that we've been beamed to one of the other ships."  
>"How is that possible?"<p>

Jim almost smiled now that the tables were turned. Brooks wasn't looking so smug any more. Well, _he'd _warned _them_ what would happen if didn't have all the information. "I'm guessing they're a lot more advanced than we are." They'd just simultaneously beamed the entire bridge after all. He turned to more pressing matters. "Spock, any of these controls look familiar to you?"

Spock was already at one of the consoles, analysing the screen dispassionately. "Negative, sir. However, I assume that this ship must be similar in design to the Klingon warbirds. If you give me a moment I will attempt to familiarise myself with the dialect."

"It's Katerrean." Uhura bent over the panel next to him. "I recognise a few of the symbols."

"Well, you have to ask yourselves, where are all the Katarreans? Because I can't see any can you?" He kept his voice light and saw some of the ensigns relax slightly. He'd learnt a long time ago the importance of being confident, even when he felt anything but inside.

"Captain, they may have beamed over to the Enterprise." Sulu suggested.

"It is likely." Chekov agreed. "Such technology would make a co-transport possible."

"Can you reverse it?" He asked the most important question.

"Perhaps sir, if we can navigate the systems."

Bones looked like he was going to explode on the other side of the room. "Damn it Jim, my daughter is on the Enterprise. Get me the hell back on it." He fully intended to. He still had crew on the Enterprise. If they had been beamed here, what had happened to them?

"Captain, I believe we have a more pressing problem." Spock murmured. He indicated to a large screen behind them that was flashing with symbols that changed every second.

Uh-oh. "Please don't tell me that's what I think it is."

"It is a countdown sir."

"A countdown to what, Commander Spock?" Pike asked, clearly already coming up with the same answer he was.

"I believe the self-destruct of the ship has been initiated."

"Oh hell." Bones went pale. He saw Sulu and Chekov glance nervously at one another.

"Can you switch it off, Spock?"

The Vulcan shook his head. "Unlikely, captain. It would require senior authority codes, none of which we have."

"How long?" He turned to Uhura, whose face was still calm and professional, but who was leaning towards her partner slightly.

"If I am reading them correctly, ten minutes, captain."

"Then we need to get ourselves back to the Enterprise." He just had no idea how they were going to do it. "Damn it, we need Scotty."

"I imagine that Commander Scott will be attempting to reverse our transport from the Enterprise." Spock assured him. Well, things must be bad when the Vulcan was attempting to reassure him.

"I think that Scott's going to have more to be worrying about if a bunch of I'sorta just beamed onto our ship." Bones pointed out with a scowl.

"Why are we assuming that this is an I'sorta attack?" Admiral Chapman turned to the doctor sharply, voice rising in irritation, and McCoy stiffened, clearly furious. He stepped in before it came to blows.

"Let's not play games, gentlemen. If you're here, find something useful to do. Now everyone look around for some sort of transporter controls. I'm not allowing _anyone_ to steal my ship." The crew dispersed obediently, examining the consoles. Chapman and Brooks remained motionless, and began a quiet conversation, but Pike moved towards the helm.

"Sir, I think I'm into the system." Uhura reported after a moment.

Spock stood closely beside her, hands clasped behind his back. "It appears that the environmental controls are failing." Jim chuckled to himself. When it rained it poured.

"Are there any escape pods on this thing?" Bones asked hopefully.

"Negative. It appears that all such shuttles have been ejected."

"They sure want to kill us." He smiled slightly and Bones rolled his eyes. Well, he wasn't just going to stand here and allow them to do it. He was James T. Kirk – luckiest man in the galaxy. And he was smart enough to know that under their feet was the wiring for the self-destruct. If he could isolate that, so that the signal wasn't transmitted to the warp core, that would be a start. He began to pull up some panelling from the floor. Coils of metal met his eyes. He dropped down into it and began to trace the wires. After a moment Bones came to join him, passing him his scanner and a few other tools.

"Captain. I think I have a transporter system. But I cannot get into it." Chekov shouted across to him after a few minutes.

"Spock?" He glanced at the Vulcan, who was already moving towards the Ensign.

"Yes captain."

He twisted the wire in his hand. He'd found the module he suspected attached to the self-destruct, but it was very different from the Enterprise's and he had the feeling he had just as much chance of detonating the self-destruct as neutralising it. He'd only do it as a last resort. "Uhura, how long?"

"Four minutes."

"We're cutting this tight." He glanced at Pike, who was concentrating at lettering on the screen. "Anything that you could do that would help, Admiral...?"

Pike shook his head. "This is way over my head." He turned to his older colleague. "Brooks?"

The elderly man frowned sharply. "No. Can you scan the Enterprise from here?"

Jim frowned. He knew there was more to this than they let on. "Why would I scan the Enterprise?"

"Because it is important to know whether Nurse Chapel is still aboard." He felt his heart drop. He'd hoped he was wrong, but always it came back to Christine. He watched McCoy spin round furiously. Damn – he needed him rational right now. Unfortunately, when it came to Christine, the doctor's heart always overtook his good sense. It added to his belief that love was not a healthy preoccupation.

"Easy Bones." He murmured a warning and pulled himself out of the groove in the floor. "Clearly you missed out a few important details from our briefing, gentlemen. Why the interest in our Head Nurse?"

"Because our deaths aren't going to matter if they've taken her."

"Why the hell not?" Bone's voice was strained, his face pale.

Chapman cocked his head curiously, eyes fixed on the man. "I think perhaps, Doctor McCoy, you know the answer to that." The expression on his friend's face told him everything. He knew exactly why they'd taken his ship. Damn – when they got back to the Enterprise they were going to have a serious talk.

As if someone had heard him, light moved in front of his eyes again, and he found himself standing on the transporter pad. A quick assessment found that Bones, Spock, Sulu, Admiral Chapman and Ensign Mullergan had been beamed with him. The room was silent – clearly they weren't expected. Adrenaline flared in his veins. He'd waited long enough.

"Let's get to the bridge."

"Captain – the others..." Spock was staring at the pads, strangely hesitant. He knew why – Uhura was still on the other ship. No one had followed them. He was worried. Actually, terrified would probably be a more accurate assessment. He didn't have the time to be sympathetic.

"How much time do we have, Spock?"

"Two minutes and thirty-six seconds, captain."

"They have time." He hoped they did. "Admiral, stay here and watch for them. You too Mullergan – hold the pad. Shoot anyone in a black helmet. Let's move."

He pulled the emergency phasers from the locker and handed them out, then led the way out of the room. There were bodies throughout the corridor. He knew every face – security staff who'd died doing their duty. He felt a surge of anger, hot and unfamiliar. It took a great deal to make him angry but they'd taken his ship. They'd killed his crew. Now he was furious.

Bones reached down automatically for a pulse. "Dead Jim." He said in a hollow voice. Shots rang out at his voice and they returned fire. He exchanged a glance with Spock, who nodded curtly, and they ran up the corridor as Sulu and Bones covered. The beings in black helmets went down fairly easily, but he probably wasn't in the right frame of mind to accurately assess their fighting ability.

They moved quickly after that – silence met them in every corridor. There were many dead, and even more blood, but no sign of the living. The lack of crew made him even more desperate. However, two corridors from the bridge a sound stopped them all.

"What was that?" Sulu whispered. The sound occurred again – a rattle. He fingered his phaser.

"It came from the vent." Spock informed them. He looked at it for a moment, head cocked, clearly hearing more than any Human, then in a swift movement, pulled the cover from the wall.

A dark haired figure fell to the floor. "Joanna!"

"Dad!" Bones was moving to embrace his daughter before his mind had even processed the image. He wanted to know what she was doing crawling about the vents, but there was no time.

"Keep her to the back Bones." He ordered. Bones nodded in silent agreement. The girl at his side was silent, her eyes large and shocked. She made no response when her father told her to stay close, but she took his hand. He felt a niggle of guilt, but the anger pulsing through his veins like thunder was too much.

There were a few guards on the door to the bridge. He moved to shoot them without thinking, reflexes taking over, Spock bringing down those that had managed to deflect him. A glance at Sulu ensured he'd hold the doors, and Bones was already slowing to keep Joanna back. He and Spock moved into the bridge. The battle that ensued was short and bloody – that was all he remembered later when he thought back. A few surrendered, and Spock neutralised them quickly. The shots were still ringing in his ears when Scotty, who had been keeping down behind one of the consoles – clearly responsible for beaming them back to the ship, shouted over to him. He only had to move slightly to see that the engineer was covered in blood. A few steps further showed that it wasn't his. He was supporting the head of Christine Chapel who... well he wasn't sure if she was breathing. She'd clearly taken a direct hit to the abdomen. Something inside of him snapped.

"Bones, get here."

His friend moved quickly, then froze at his side. He'd never seen the doctor freeze before – not ever, and they'd been to hell and back. He should shout at him, tell him to save her, but the expression on his face was so broken that he couldn't speak. Hell – was she dead? She couldn't be dead. He felt suddenly helpless again, as the storm broke.

A small voice broke the silence. "Daddy. Do something." He glanced a Joanna. Her face was tear-streaked, her lip trembled, but she looked determined. Clearly she was the ignition her father needed, because he moved, hand automatically reaching for his scanner, the doctor again.

"She's stopped breathing." Scotty's eyes were wide.

"Get the hell out of the way." He was opening her airway, his hands as sure as ever, and he knew somehow that she'd have a chance. "Scott, transport me to the sickbay." The engineer stared at him. "NOW." He shouted. It was a clear sign of how bad things were. Bones would never allow himself to be transported unless he thought there was no other choice. He nodded at his chief engineer, who moved quickly to obey. "Jim." His friend's eyes met his desperately, and he knew what he needed. He as scared for his daughter – scared to leave her when the danger wasn't over. He tucked Joanna under his arm, feeling her tremble. He'd protect her – he wouldn't let him down in this.

"I've got her." He turned her face into his side and away from the scene before her. He could feel her sobbing silently against him.

"Ready." Scotty shouted.

He picked up the limp form of his head nurse. "Energise." He disappeared from view.

Jim forced himself to remain focused. It was still raining. "Scotty, did you manage to get the rest of the crew aboard?"

The man nodded, still looking stunned. "Aye, sir. That was why they shot Nurse Chapel – she was buying me time..." His voice trembled. Hell, he felt the same – but there was no time for that now. "Any idea what we're dealing with elsewhere?" He feared he might have beamed Bones from the frying pan into the fire.

"They've taken Engineering, and most floors too captain. The lights went down – we didn't have a bloody chance."

"Captain – I have scanned the ship. There are seventy-six non-Starfleet personnel aboard." Spock reported.

Damn – so many. "Fine – well we have the bridge. And I know my crew – they'll be areas where they've managed to overpower them. Let's concentrate on the heaviest concentrations."

"That's not going to be easy – they've disabled our fine sensors." Scotty's face was clouding. "They've disabled our weapons too. And the engines. They've disabled our engines! When I get my hands on the person responsible I'm going to get nasty. I've spent months on those engines..."

Jim interrupted his tirade. "What _do_ we have, Scotty?"

"Well we've got the life support. And communications."

"Right – Spock let Starfleet know what's going on."

Spock moved to Uhura's seat. Joanna detached herself slightly from his side and was looking around the bridge slowly. She looked at the tied up I'sorta, and the woman who was in Starfleet colours – her name was Ensign Julie Powell and she was one of the spies - but couldn't worry about now. He tried not to think what the bodies on the floor were doing to her.

"Scotty – can you get our weapons online?"

"Aye sir. But I'll need back into engineering if you want the engines."

"Do your best."

"Captain, it appears that the Danube is blocking our transmissions." Spock reported.

"I assume they're still not responding to our hails." There was no doubt that the Danube was no longer in Federation hands.

"Correct sir."

"Scotty, make sure our shields are up."

The sounds of shots echoed from outside the room. "Company, captain." Sulu shouted from outside. He glanced at the small girl beside him. Her eyes were still wide, but her tears had stopped.

"Stay here for a minute Joanna. I'll be right outside."

She nodded, and didn't protest when he left her side. He didn't know whether she was shocked or brave, but he had a feeling it was the latter. The advancing I'sorta were dealt with quickly and effectively, but made his hackles rise. He needed to secure the ship. There was always a chance they'd beam more soldiers over from the Danube. And how could he protect Joanna, when he was struggling to protect himself? They needed to act quickly, before the others worked out what had happened. Sulu helped him move the living I'sorta onto the bridge.

"Right, we need to move. Scotty, can you keep the bridge secure?"

"Aye sir, I'll shield the doors."

"Good." He turned to his charge, and found that she had moved towards the hostages and was talking to Julie in a quiet voice. The Ensign was crying, her head on her arms, and Joanna was stroking her hair. He wasn't sure why, but that struck him.

"Joanna?" The girl glanced up. "You shouldn't be near the hostages."

The girl's eyes flashed. "Don't be angry with her. It's not her fault." He wanted to ask her how exactly she knew that – because from where he was looking the blame for this whole disaster at least partly rested on this woman. However he would ask that later. Right now he needed all the information he could get.

"Ensign Powell?" The woman made no movement. "Ensign Powell, I'm your captain, and you will respond when I talk to you." He put on his sternest voice as Joanna shot him a reproachful look.

The woman obediently looked up, her Starfleet training kicking in automatically. "Sorry, sir." Her voice wobbled. She looked a mess. He also couldn't fail to notice the bruising coming out on her face and arms. Hadn't she been in the sickbay recently? Something about violence towards her, that security were looking into? It was possible that she was coerced into this somehow. It made him feel somewhat kinder towards her as he passed her a tissue. "Thank you." She mumbled, eyes wide and tear-filled. Well, time to turn on the charm.

"Julie, listen to me – the fight is over now and you're safe. I'm not going to let anyone hurt you." The woman began to cry in earnest again, and Joanna put her arms around her. Hell, he hated crying women. He took the tissue from her hands, tilted her chin and wiped the tears from her face. "Now ensign, I'm not sure how much you have to do with what happened, but I need to secure the ship and I think you're the only one that can help me."

Julie shook her head, lip trembling, and he looked her in the eye. "Yes you can. I need to know their plans – how many are on each deck, what are they planning, where are my crew?"

Julie shook her head slowly. "I don't know sir. I really don't."

"Anything – Ensign. Give me anything."

"I just relayed the messages. Argenn never let me read them."

"So you never even glimpsed anything?"

"There was something about the nurses, maybe. And something about using the last resort on the Enterprise. That's all I saw, and I'm not even sure..."

"Fine. Alright. Well sit tight for a bit." She was no good – she was becoming hysterical. And he knew he didn't have a hope of getting anything useful out of the I'sorta in this short time period. He moved towards Spock, who was watching the proceedings calmly, and decided on a game plan.

"Jim?" Joanna had moved with him, and was looking up at him nervously.

"Yes?"

"There's seventeen on deck G."

He glanced down at her in surprise. "What?"

"There are seventeen of those people on deck G." She indicated to the masked I'sorta.

Spock had moved to his side and was giving the girl an intrigued expression. "You are sure?"

"Yes."

"How did you come by this information?"

"I saw from the vents. I wanted to find my dad on the bridge, only he wasn't there..." A pained expression crossed her face, and he rested a hand lightly on her shoulder as his heart began to leap in hope.

"Did you see any of the other decks?"

"Only G to the bridge. I didn't go down."

"Could you estimate the numbers of occupiers on each floor?"

She gave the Vulcan a puzzled expression. "Estimate?"

"Approximate."

"He means do your best." Jim interjected. "Scotty, can you pull up a blueprint of the ship?"

"Aye sir." The Enterprise flashed onto the viewscreen.

"Lieutenant, please highlight the probable path Joanna would have taken from sickbay to the bridge." Spock added.

Scotty worked his magic, and the venting system lit up. Jim turned to the small girl next to him. "Alright Joanna. You've told us there were seventeen on G – that was in sickbay?"

"The girl shook her head. "No, there were five in sickbay. The rest were outside in the corridor. I was trying to see where they took Christine."

Jim nodded, and subtracted the number that they'd shot outside the transporter room. "Fine – so there's seven on patrol of that corridor right now. Then you went up to F deck."

The girl shut her eyes. "There were seven on F – three in the mess and the rest in the corridors. On E there were twelve but three of them left and took the turbolift down. D there was only three. C there were lots – twenty that I saw, and they had lots of crew with them. B there were two. And then the bridge – you killed all the ones I saw except for those ones." She pointed to the four cuffed in the corner.

Jim stared at her. Holy crap. How had she remembered all that – especially in these circumstances? She was a scared eight-year old. Was she some sort of genius? Or maybe her mother was a Vulcan? He snorted mentally. He couldn't see Bones fathering a child with a Vulcan. He couldn't even hold a civil conversation with one. And hell, how could he be thinking of this now?

Spock nodded, clearly unconcerned about her ability. "That leaves twenty unaccounted for. I feel it fair to surmise that a large proportion would have secured engineering."

Scotty nodded. "Aye, it must have been around that number. They'd pulled control of the ship down to there."

"Well that's something." He turned his mind from the girl for now. "The rest of the bridge crew is probably still on G. Let's join them and make this methodical. We'll put the I'sorta in the brig for now."

"Yes sir."

"Scotty, keep working on our weapons."

"Aye sir - I'll have them up, don't you worry."

"Good – and don't let anyone in unless it's me."

"You have my word on that one captain."

He grinned. He'd taken back his ship – it was time to take back his crew. He recharged his phaser and glanced down at the girl again, who was looking at his weapon with an unhappy expression. She was pale, he noticed, and her hands were in tight fists. He was tempted to leave her here, but he'd promised Bones, and the only way he could make sure she was safe was keeping her in sight for now. He trusted his chief engineer with many things, but small children was not one of them.

"Joanna, we need to go and round up the rest of the people in black. I need you to stay behind me, alright?"

She swallowed but nodded. "Alright." She was the bravest kid he'd ever me. He liked that.

"Come on then Spock, let's go and round us up some invaders." Spock arched an eyebrow at him, clearly amused, but followed him off the bridge without a word.

With the prior information, things weren't too complex after that. The transporter room was full, he was relieved to see, and he was even pleased to see the admirals had survived, if only because their deaths would have caused a massive amount of paperwork. Spock had a rather touching reunion with Uhura that involved smouldering looks across the crowded room – he supposed that with the admirals present much else wasn't a wise idea – not that much else was ever an idea to the Vulcan. He hugged the woman on Spock's behalf (or that's what he told Uhura, who might of even been glad to see him for once), and ensured the rest of the crew were alright. Then he broke them into parties and sent them to secure the ship.

"Spock, I want you to secure sickbay – stay and help afterwards. There's clearly plenty of casualties, and with Christine..." He didn't know how to put it, not with Joanna behind him. Hell, if Chapel died, Bones would fall to pieces.

"I will aid Doctor McCoy as best I can."

"Good. Sulu – you take a team and secure decks B, C and D. Galloway, take a team and to the lower decks. The rest of you are with me – we're going to secure engineering."

"Yes sir." He could see the curious glances that Joanna was attracting. He supposed that many wouldn't know who she was, and those that did wouldn't know why she wasn't with her father. She stood behind him like he'd asked, watching the proceedings with a serious expression in her large eyes. He gave her a reassuring smile, and she gave him a small one in reply.

"Good. Stay on the comm. Dismissed."

"We're going to engineering, Jim?" He nodded. "Jim?"

"Yes?"  
>"Why can't I go with Spock to my dad?"<p>

Her eyes were searching his with that direct look, so he answered semi-honestly. "The ship's not safe yet, so it's probably a good idea to stay with me for the time being." And because the dead and dying would be taken to sickbay in addition to the injured. And if Christine had died her dad wouldn't be in a fit state for much. The girl somehow seemed to read this in his eyes and her gaze wavered.

"Christine... is she...?"

He shook his head, feeling on dangerous ground. "I don't know." He hoped not.

"Dad's the best doctor out there." She said slowly, clearly trying to comfort some expression on his face.

"That he is. Right, let's go."

They were met with fire as soon as they reached the deck. His first instinct was to run in, as usual, and fight at the front with his crew, but the small girl beside him tempered his behaviour, and he allowed his crew to do most of the fighting, directing from behind. He didn't enjoy it much.

"Jim."

Joanna tugged at his arm. "Yep." He was distracted as an I'sorta ran at them with a large double-edged knife. He took him down before he could reach them.

"There's still three behind those square things over there."

She indicated to two large storage containers. There was no movement, and the area looked deserted.

"You're sure?"

She nodded. "They were there when we came in." He knew better than to doubt her now.

"Alright. Stay here and don't move. Farriday, King, with me."

They circled the containers quietly. He caught a flicker of movement as he edged closer, but that was the only warning he got. They launched themselves out, phasers blazing. King went down immediately with a wound that was fatal. Jim mentally cursed as he rolled out of the way – cornered people were always more dangerous. However, his thoughts were interrupted when he saw one of the I'sorta running towards the door – straight towards Joanna. He ran to intercept but missed the shot as the other pair of I'sorta tried to take him down from behind. He knew he'd never get there in time – and that they'd shoot her without hesitation.

He was out of options when he shouted: "Joanna, run." The girl stared at him with large eyes – beautiful eyes – for a moment, then turned and fled. The I'sorta was close behind.

Backup from the other parts of engineering managed to reach him, and neutralised his attackers, but he was moving after Joanna before he'd seen them fall. Outside the corridor was empty, and he felt close to panic until he heard phaser-fire to his left, and a scream. Fear clutched hard at his stomach – an unfamiliar feeling – and he sprinted towards the sound.

The soldier was in the centre of a corridor that led to a dead-end, but Joanna was nowhere in sight. Then he saw that the being was shooting upwards, at the venting pipes above, and realised where she must be. Clever girl – somewhere where she couldn't be followed. Another scream, sounding far too close to the shot just fired, made the anger rise through him in a boom of thunder.

"Hey." The being turned at the sound of his voice, aimed his phaser, and then dropped when Jim shot him square in the chest. For a moment he stood in silence, attempting to control himself and his fury. The sound of movement up above left the clouds behind.

"Joanna, it's alright. You can come out now." He called softly.

There was silence for a moment that worried him – then the sound of scrambling above. Her head appeared out of a vent close to the ground.

"It's alright." He assured her. He held out a hand and to his surprise she didn't hesitate when she took it. He helped her out of the vent and realised she was shaking, her eyes wide with unshed tears. Some person he was at protecting her. He bent onto a knee and hugged her tightly. She clung to him, and he heard the sound of a strangled sob that she was clearly trying to repress. He probably shouldn't have taken her to engineering – and Bones would murder him if he found out the danger he'd put his daughter in. He was too used to being the captain –he'd never been one to give orders and do nothing himself. But if something had happened to her he wouldn't have forgiven himself. He couldn't put her through anything else.

He stood slowly, releasing the girl but taking her hand and leading her to the comm. on the wall. "Kirk to Sulu."

"Sulu here captain."

"Lieutenant, I'm putting you in charge of the clean-up operation. Make sure that the I'sorta are secure. I'll be in my ready room if you require me."

"Yes, sir."

"Kirk out."

He glanced down at the girl who remained silent. She was probably in shock, after all that had happened today. "Come on Joanna."

He led her gently from engineering back up towards the bridge, and into his ready room. It was just how he'd left it. It was strange to think that only hours had passed since this had begun. He was angry and someone would have to pay for this – for his ship, his dead or injured crew – but not right now. He'd leave the Admirals for later.

Joanna looked around the room curiously. There wasn't much to see in here – his ready room was simply an office, stacked with PADDs and maps. He hated the paperwork that being a captain entailed, but seemed to balance it well enough. It was a small price when he got to have a ship like her. He indicated to a chair by his desk.

"Have a seat." She looked nervous, and he was aware that he wasn't doing much to put her at ease. How to treat shock... Give them something warm. Tea? Coffee? Jarier ht'quor? What should he give to an eight-year old? He moved to the replicator. "Warm milk."

He handed the mug to Joanna. He really needed a drink, but he wouldn't touch it until this was all over. Until then he'd have to distract himself in other ways or this rain would turn stormy again.

Perhaps Joanna read his mood in that uncanny way again. "Why did they want the Enterprise? Those people?" She was staring at her milk with a perplexed expression.

He shook his head. "I don't just think they want the Enterprise." Definitely not. "They're the worse sort of people." Although spouting nonsense about beliefs, he knew that few of them would be fighting for principles. Most of them would be guns for hire – they were too well-trained, too ruthless to be anything but.

"What does that mean?"

"It means they kill people without a thought." Without regret. She turned to look at him, eyes boring into his, and he knew what she was thinking – he'd killed today too. "I killed in self-defence, and to protect others. I've never wanted to kill anyone – not once." Although the I'sorta with Joanna had been a rather close call.

She nodded, and he felt slightly relieved that at least she could distinguish the differences in their actions. He wasn't sure that he always could. And sometimes he couldn't sleep at night remembering the faces of the lives he'd taken.

They sat in silence until he noticed that Joanna was looking more and more upset. Damn, he needed to say something to take both their minds off things. He didn't want her to cry.

"So, how's school?" She looked up at him curiously at the sudden change in subject.

"School? It's boring."

Jim chuckled. "I remember feeling like that. I used to hate school."

"You did? Why?"

"I was always in trouble for something. I don't think the teachers liked me much." Understandably. He'd burnt down the school in second grade. "But I had some good friends."

Joanna's face fell. "I don't. No one wants to be my friend."

He felt bewildered. "Why not?" She seemed like a nice kid – a bit odd, but sweet enough.

She looked at the floor, swinging her legs on the seat uncomfortably. "They think I'm weird. Some of the moms say they can't play with me because my mom get's... funny sometimes. And they think I'm too clever, so no one wants to sit with me - but I'm not."

His confusion grew. "Not clever?" She shook her head. He thought back to earlier. That wasn't what he'd seen... unless... He had a sudden wave of intuition. "Joanna, do you want to play a game?"

"A game?"

"Yes."

"Okay..."

"Close your eyes." She obediently closed them. "How many people are in this room?"

"Two." She smiled at the simplicity of the question.

"Good. Now, can you tell me how many PADDs are on my desk?"

She frowned slightly. "Twenty-six."

"You're sure?"

She nodded. He counted them up. "One last question. This is a hard one – Can you tell me how many communicators we walked past from engineering to here?"

Her pause was longer this time. "Six. Plus the one in here. That makes seven."

He calculated it himself – he knew his ship. The corridors, plus the one in the turbolift. Holy crap. Unless he was very much mistaken...

"You have a photographic memory?" Well that explained why she didn't understand how to estimate...

She opened her eyes quickly. "How did you know? Were you testing me?" She looked upset.

"I'm sorry Joanna. I should have warned you." He smiled at her and saw her calm slightly, looking back down at her milk.

"You can't tell my dad."

He noticed Joanna had a habit of leaving him surprised. "He doesn't know?"

She shook her head. "Mom said he wouldn't want me if he knew I was... different."

Damn – someday he was going to meet Bone's ex-wife. She sounded like a harpy. "Well, I know you're dad pretty well. He'd want you if you were green with purple spots and more clever than a Vulcan." Actually he had a feeling he would quite enjoy it.

"Really?"

"Really. There's nothing wrong with being different."

"Yes there is. That's why no one likes me."

He remembered how spiteful children were. "You know, lots of people didn't like me either."

She stared at him. "But you said you had friends."

He nodded. "Only because I was extremely badly behaved. Would you believe I'm very very clever?" Actually, if his IQ scores were to be believed, he was nothing short of a genius – but he didn't tend to put too much weight on that – there was nothing more humbling then having a Vulcan for a first officer.

"Really?" She looked sceptical – as well she might. He'd learnt the benefits years ago of being underestimated. He wouldn't have won so many of their battles had their enemies not thought they were smarter than he was.

"Yep. I'm just like you."

"Just like me... "She gave him a suddenly hopeful look. "So we could be friends."

He paused, and she looked down, expecting rejection. He should probably say no – delicately of course. Bones had made if perfectly clear he didn't want him to be friends with her and he wasn't even sure that he could be friends with an eight year old. But he remembered being lonely like she was. He'd had Christine at the time – but she'd had no one. She was a sweet girl. She didn't deserve to be friendless. And hadn't he told her that most people could be friends if they tried? He smiled at her. "Joanna – I already consider us friends. After all, you saved me when we first met."

"I did?"

"Sure. I was hurt and you got your dad."

"Oh." She smiled at him. It lit up her face. "So we're friends then."

"Yep. But don't worry Joanna. I'm sure you'll find that once you get back to school people will begin to see how great you are and you'll get some more." He wasn't sure how much confidence he put in that statement, but sometimes you needed to hold onto something. If he hadn't believed someone would finally see what he was capable of, he wouldn't have accepted Pike's challenge to join Starfleet.

"I'm not going back to that school. Mom's sending me to Cerberus."

He racked his brain. "To the Vulcan school?" It was a school for the gifted, he recalled – run by Vulcans, and mostly full of half-Vulcans whose parents didn't want them educated on the home world, as Spock had been.

She nodded. "Mom wants to travel and my teacher says they will know how to deal with me there." Deal with her – it sounded like she had a disease rather than a talent.

"It's a good school. The children might be more understanding."

"Maybe. I don't want to go."

He could understand that. It was far away. "It'll be hard to be away from your mom."

She gave him an unreadable look. "My mom? I suppose...But... You remember my cat?"

He smiled. How could he forget. "Khan, wasn't he called?"

She nodded. "Well, mom doesn't know about him, and I can't take him with me..."

"You're scared what will happen to him when you're away."

She nodded sadly, and he struggled to make sense of a girl that seemed to be more worried about her cat than herself. They were interrupted by the comm.

"Spock to the captain."

He moved to it quickly. "Kirk here. How's it going?"

"The sickbay is very busy, captain. Doctor Zuvolt is deceased, and many of the nurses are injured."

"Christine – how is she?"

"Doctor McCoy has been able to heal some of the damage, but she remains unconscious." He felt his heart sink. Bones could cure a rainy day. If she was still unconscious that was not a good sign. "I am monitoring her at the moment to allow the doctor to work."

"I see. What can I do, Spock?"

"The doctor has requested that his daughter remain clear of the sickbay until they have dealt with the deceased."

"Of course." The girl had seen enough of the dead. "We've rounded up all of the I'sorta. The Admirals are questioning them as we speak. Sit tight for now."

"Yes sir. Spock out."

He felt the restlessness rise in him. There were crew dying down there, and he could do nothing to help. He felt Joanna's eyes on him.

"We have to wait for a while longer, Joanna, before we can go to your dad. I need to speak to Starfleet Command."

She nodded slowly. "I like to draw."

He could have hugged her for suggesting a way to amuse herself. "Well how about you draw something for me."

"Okay." He handed her a blank PADD, then began the unhappy task of contacting his superiors.

Several hours passed before he took Joanna to the sickbay. Plenty had changed in that time. The I'sorta they'd been holding had been beamed up by the Danube, despite their shields. The ship had subsequently fled, despite their actions to prevent it. Their engines were still offline, he'd had the final count from sickbay as to the dead, and the Admirals were remaining tight-lipped about the whole thing. He was angry to bursting point, and was only managing to keep it in due to the presence of Joanna.

He knew all the nurses by first name as they walked in. They smiled at his presence, and Joanna, who seemed to know them all too. They all looked weary. He didn't doubt this was the longest day many of them had had in their careers. He checked they were all well, but had one thing on his mind.

"Joanna, wait here a minute. I need to talk to your dad first." He asked the girl. In truth, he wasn't sure what he was going to find when he walked into her father's office. He knew Christine was in there, but as to her condition...

He gave the door a cursory knock, then walked in. "Christine! You're awake!" She looked pale and tired, but mercifully alive. It occurred to him that the Doctor was standing very close to her and scowling hard. He might have interrupted something. He laughed internally. Served McCoy right for leaving it so late to tell her how he felt. He should have done it months ago.

The woman gave him a soft smile. "So I am."

"How are you feeling? You gave us one hell of a fright. We weren't sure..." He glanced at Bones, whose face had become stony. He couldn't imagine how the man had been feeling – literally couldn't imagine it. He was glad he'd never fall in love at moments like this. But he'd still been concerned for her. She was the closest thing he'd had to a sister. And she'd saved all their lives. "That is, I'm going to make sure that you get a medal for this. I swear Christine, that was the bravest thing I've ever heard. You wouldn't fancy a job on the bridge would you?"

Bones gave him an outraged look, and the nurse glanced at him in amusement. "No. I'm quite happy where I am, thank you." He laughed.

"Christine!" He turned in time to see Joanna run towards the room, then stop suddenly. And burst into tears. Oh damn. She'd been so brave for so long – not crying once the whole time she'd been with him. He would have reached out for her, but Bones was already there, pulling her close. "I thought she was dead." She sobbed.

"I'm fine Joanna. See?" Christine held out a hand to her and the girl took his slowly, then buried her head into her side. She stroked her hair. "You were very brave, hiding like you did."

The girl sniffed and wiped her eyes. "I wasn't brave. I was really scared." Jim felt something pull inside of him.

"You were brave, kid. You made sure that they didn't catch you." Joanna gave him a small smile that he returned. He felt Bone's eyes on him, but his expression was nothing except relieved. Well, he wouldn't be when he'd learned what had happened. There was no use putting that off any longer.

"Listen, Bones, I need you for a bit now Christine's awake." He felt like a bad man, doing this to him now, but things were moving fast and he needed to know he had his back. He had a plan, and it was a risky one.

The man nodded as if expecting this. "Joanna, come, why don't you-."

"No – please, don't make me leave." Jim was surprised at the strength of her desperation. Had being with him been so bad? Considering he'd almost got her killed, probably. He left quietly – he didn't really want to see this argument. It felt like he was intruding.

Bones emerged a few minutes later with a hardness in his face. He needed a drink – they both did after what had happened. There was blood on his hands today. He'd underestimated his enemy and this was his fault. He should have known better. He'd lost thirty-two crew, and several more were seriously injured. He would have to answer for it. Tonight they would plan – tomorrow they would leave Joanna safe on Earth and after that, they'd carry it out.

It was impossible to sleep with so much on his mind. He moved between engineering, his office, and the bridge. Of course, there were ways of taking his mind off things, and he was sure that he'd find a willing participant even after all that had happened, but he found that he didn't have the stomach for it tonight. Better not to relax.

His mind flickered over the events of the last twenty-four hours, critically probing. He was drawn regularly back to his hours spent with Joanna. It had been... stabilising... to have her there. She said what she thought, she was smart (despite her declaration to not be), and she had an uncanny ability to read his feelings. She must have got that from her father – Bones could read him like a book, and for all his grumpiness, was the best of friends. And now his daughter was his friend too. She'd helped him get his ship back. Suddenly he wanted to do something for her, something that would make her smile. He turned his mind to plan something else.

"There you are – I thought I'd missed you." The shuttlebay was busy as many prepared to leave for Earth. They had been loading the coffins onto the ships earlier, and an uneasy calmness had settled on the ship. They were all waiting for the next storm. Joanna was standing with her father and Christine.

"Jim! You've come to say goodbye?" She smiled at him and he couldn't fail to notice that there were tears on her face again. He wondered how she'd be affected after all she'd been through.

"You bet. And to make sure your dad doesn't cry too hard when you leave." He grinned at his friend, who scowled.

"Dad won't cry." Joanna assured him, then reached out and hugged her father tightly. Bones gave him a slightly smug look.

"Well if you say so."

Joanna gave him a suddenly worried look. "We'll still be friends, Jim, after I leave?"

"Of course we will be." The expression on the doctor's face told him that they were going to have a talk about this in the future – but it was too late now. He was going to be her friend no matter what. She was one of the most interesting people he'd met. Joanna grinned and hugged him around the middle. He used the opportunity to slide the PADD into her jacket pocket. He grinned at Bones and patted her on the head.

"Well kid, I'll best be off. I've got captaining to do."

She frowned at him indignantly. "Don't call me kid."

He laughed. She certainly knew her own mind. "Alright sassy." He smiled. "I'm sure I'll be seeing you." It was inevitable.

_Dear Joanna,_

_I've been thinking that perhaps I need a pet. How about Khan coming to live on the Enterprise? You can see him when you come and visit. Let me know what you think._

_Jim._

_A/N – Thanks for reading. The song for the next chapter will be When the Lights Go Down by Jason Walker. Please review and let me know what you think._


	9. The Darkness Within

8. The Darkness Within

_A/N – This is the last in the chapters that set-up this story. Things will be moving a bit more quickly from here on in. Thanks for reading._

When the Lights Go Down - Jason Walker

To let the moonlight cover of my sin,

I'm ready for

These shadows washing over me, again,

Sometimes I feel like dead of night

Is the only one who knows me now,

'Cause everything is better when the lights go down.

"_Alien upon us... the enemy from within_..." – Professor Starnes -_TOS – And the Children Shall Lead_

Stardate: 2269

Jim: Aged 36

Joanna: Aged 20

The rain created huge muddy puddles as Joanna moved through the crowds towards her destination. She didn't notice, although wet through. She allowed her feet to carry her, forcing her mind to numbness. Not now. She couldn't – didn't dare – think about what had happened now. She was being followed – although not by Jim – she'd left him standing in the darkness with that awful expression on his face. She'd been so angry with him, so frustrated . So scared. And worse, all she'd wanted to do was run to him as she had done when in the past, and have him hold her and make it better. She shied from the thought. There was no making this better.

She almost tripped over a small being that had stopped in the wet darkness, and cursed herself and her aberrant thoughts. One thing at a time, Joanna. This wasn't the time to think of this – it wasn't safe now, not on this planet. In her profession, probably not anywhere.

She lost her tail somewhere in the crowded market, especially busy at this time at night. She liked to think that he was sent by the Syndicate, but she'd been watching their guards and spies for the last month – she knew how they thought, how they moved, and their training. They would have never fallen for such a simple evasion. Which meant that someone else was following her. Some other party wanted her watched. She could think of several reasons why, but none of them were good. She was attracting too much attention on this planet. She'd need to lay low for a while.

She headed to the unpleasant district where she had first met Jim. She'd temporarily rented a room in a particularly distasteful whorehouse. People might look for her here, or anywhere for that matter – she'd never grown complacent - but like most establishments of that nature there were many exits and entrances and security was tight to protect the secrets of its patrons. She selected a door towards the back, and nodded to the large man that guarded it. He'd taken a liking to her on her first day, but after she'd given him a black eye for unwanted advances he'd become almost respectful. Almost, that is, if he'd stop looking at her with that predatory expression in his eyes. She fought off a wave of revulsion and climbed the stairs, attempting to ignore the sounds of violence and pleasure coming through the thin walls of the rooms she passed. Good grief, two days here, and she'd been put off males for life. She doubted even Jim would have the stomach for some of the acts that occurred. But she shied away from that thought as soon as it was formed.

Her room was more of a cell really, the bed unsurprisingly its main feature, a small chair and desk in the corner, and a series of shelves where her spare clothes sat. Through a door was a tiny bathroom, and on the wall next to the window her hated replicator. However, she ignored it all, and opened her case again, pulling out her tricorder. Going through her normal motions, she scanned the room from top to bottom, then began on the bathroom. It took five full minutes before it gave a reassuring beep and told her that her room was safe and untouched. Slipping it back, she pulled out her computer and attached a small remote that Scotty had designed some years ago for a very different purpose. She attempted to ignore the water that was now pooling around her feet, and that she was aching from cold. Work first.

She typed in the address of the call she would make, then activated the device, and watched the number bounce through several million routes before connecting. It might not stop someone with Scotty's prowess finding the origin of the transmission, but it would at least delay them long enough that she could escape. A beep told her the link had been made and someone was listening.

"It's me."

There was a slight pause. "The meeting was successful?"

"Yes. I have been invited to Surata II for a meeting." With the directors, she didn't need to add.

"When?"

"Seven days. I will travel via Jaros."

"I see." She was rather sure he did. Little made it past him. A year ago she'd been convinced he watched her every move, and didn't dare keep things from him. Now she knew that wasn't true, but still withheld information at her own peril. She knew too well who he answered to, and what happened if she did.

"I will need information in the meantime. The Syndicate is headed by a Ferengi, as we knew, but there is also a Human. I have sent you a picture." Her fingers had been working as they talked, downloading the data from the lenses she wore, and selecting the images.

"Very well. Is he a problem?"

"No, although I think he was more suspicious of me than most. I will need all the information I can get on him if I want to make this work."  
>"And the others?"<p>

"Many are sceptical, but the demonstration will convince the leaders, and no one will dare argue with that."

"The Cardassian?"

"Will not be a problem." Although she'd be happy if she never saw him again. Unfortunately, that was impossible – because she'd need him before this was over.

"Good. Do you have anything else to report?"

For a moment she considered telling him about Jim. She most certainly should tell him. Jim could expose everything – almost did in fact. And if he found out she'd kept this from him she'd be in serious trouble. But even so, hesitation stopped the words on her lips. She knew her employers too well. She knew what they'd do if they found out. And Jim was… Jim. Her feelings for him were too complex, and their meeting, although inopportune, was no one's business except her own.

She kept her voice blank. "No."

"Very well. Continue with the plan."

"I will."

He paused. "I do not need remind you to be careful amongst the leaders of the Syndicate. They have reached their position by remaining suspicious. They will not agree easily."

She bristled. She had done more than anyone else for the cause – a fact that the man was well aware of. But the words of warning were unusual for him, showed an atypical nervousness, so with effort she bit back the heated retort. "No, you don't need to remind me. I will contact you if the situation changes."

"Good. I will leave information for you in the usual place on Jaros."

"I see. Until then."

She switched off the transmission and put the equipment neatly away. Then, with a sigh, she removed her clothing and switched the shower onto its hottest setting. The sounds from next door usually turned her stomach, but right now she barely acknowledged them. She picked up her phaser – she'd learnt the hard way to always keep it in arms reach – and stepped in.

For a moment she only allowed herself to think of the heat and how it felt on her tired muscles. The tension of today had tied her body in a knot that she doubted that even the water could relieve. When she could not prevent it any longer she slowly allowed her mind to work. She was beginning to find increasingly difficult determine when Antonia ended and Joanna began these days. She had to be Antonia more and more, especially now, when she was being watched at every turn. It was only at night, in the privacy of her rooms, that she could let Joanna out now – could be herself. Could have feelings. Not that she wanted them at times like this. She had shot a man tonight and hadn't felt anything much. Maybe she was becoming Antonia. That thought scared her, although not as much as before. She was tired now. Maybe it was better this way. And then there was Jim.

She felt the current of emotions rise up at the thought of him. They always did. Why now, after all this time, had he walked into her life again? It could be coincidence, but that would have to be one hell of one – he just happened to be in the same bar as her, on the same planet, in the same damn quadrant? She knew exactly where the Enterprise was – she still received letters from her father – and it was nowhere near here. So why had he come here? What did he know? Her instincts told her that it seemed to be very little. And yet… He'd fought so hard to 'protect her'. As if he could. As if she hadn't been the one rescuing him, as she always had. And what's worse was that a part of her was tempted to let him. Old habits were hard to break. It made her furious. Not just that – it made her hope that he still might care. But she wasn't the girl she had been. She wasn't even the woman he'd known two years ago. Without him there she'd changed – her survival had meant she'd had to.

She'd tried to forget about him of course. But how could she – he'd been a massive part of her life until she was eighteen years old. Even now she wrote to him every week, although she knew he'd never reply. Maybe she hoped the stories she wrote him about her life on the Starbase would somehow come true. The Joanna she'd constructed – the nurse Joanna – was the woman she should be. That girl would always be Jim's friend, even if he didn't care about her any more than as her father's daughter.

A sudden choking fear gripped her. What if he told her father who she was? She knew Jim well enough to know that although he might tell Starfleet about Antonia, he'd guard her true identity, if only to protect her dad. But what would he tell his best friend? She knew from the past there were only so many of her secrets he was willing to keep from her father. This probably wasn't going to be one. Part of the reason she'd worked so hard at her Starfleet Joanna identity was for her dad's sake, so that he wouldn't worry, so that he wouldn't know what she'd become and be ashamed. She'd been told to fake her own death, to cut herself off completely from any ties to her past, but she just couldn't do that – not to him. Not to herself either. The simple messages her father sent her each week kept her sane. What would he do if he found out? She knew he'd come after her. He'd never let it go, never believe that she was different now – and that would get him hurt. What about Christine, and the boys? And Jim, and Spock – he'd probably drag them with him too. She felt sick. She couldn't destroy any more lives. She would have to message Jim somehow – beg him to keep the information to himself, warn him of the risk to her father. He cared about her dad in the way he'd never cared about her. He'd do the right thing. She took a deep breath and began to wash her hair.

Her thoughts took her back unceasingly to Jim and their conversation in the rain. She wondered what would have happened if she had told Jim everything. She imagined not carrying this alone any more. But that was impossible. She'd meant what she'd said – just talking to him put her in danger. And he would be in danger too, as tonight adeptly proved. Her grandmother's sensible voice came into her mind with one of the hundreds of epitaphs she carried for every possibly situation: '_Don't travel with anything you can't bear to lose_.' And she couldn't lose Jim – even if her link to him these days was tenuous at best. She'd made the right decision. Even if it had hurt him. She hated to hurt him.

She reluctantly turned off the shower. She would have switched her thoughts off too if she had the power. She towelled herself off quickly, shivering in the cold, and idly considered whether she could be bothered to eat. She was tired. She was always tired these days. She didn't dare sleep much – and this was what it did to her. That and a poor diet. She hated replicated food. The thought tonight made bile rise in her throat. No to food then. She'd take a stimulant tomorrow morning if she had to, then leave this planet – ideally without being followed. For the first time in a month she felt a small comfort. No more of this place, with its haunting cries, and rain, and replicators. She wouldn't be back in a hurry.

She sat down in the cold bed and attempted not to shiver as she pulled the blankets around her. She hated the cold – she'd never grow used to it. She spent years on Cerberus, with its deserts and red sky. The Vulcans had liked the heat, and after a while she'd grown to love it too. She missed it now – especially when alone in bed. Her body had never quite managed to learn how to keep warm at night. She was sick of waking cold.

She pulled her mind through the rigorous exercises she'd learnt years ago. Lotoc had taught her well – it was near automatic now, almost a relief to reign in the emotion and put it elsewhere. She usually imagined it in stables. When she'd first started the meditation she'd been young and her dad had liked to take her riding. Lotoc had taught her to think her emotions were horses. A black stallion for her anger. A mule for her stubbornness. A brown-eyed dappled mare for those softer emotions. She made a particular point now of putting the mare in the furthest part of the stable. Detached she then deconstructed her day in front of her eyes. Each person who'd passed her. Each face. Each conversation she'd heard. The actions of the people following. What was she looking for? A pattern? Information? She reached the point when Jim had intervened with Sarkat, and felt several of her horses pushed to be let free. She ignored them. Not now. They'd had their time – that was what the shower was for. She studied her perfect memory of Jim. He hadn't changed much in two years. He was as handsome as ever, a few lines adding a maturity that only extended his appeal, his eyes sky blue. She analysed his expressions – following them through to their meeting in the rain. Her instincts had been correct. He was there by accident. However she didn't rule out someone else manipulating the situation. If someone was looking for a way to unhinge her, they'd found it. The Syndicate didn't know who she was – she was sure she wouldn't be alive if they did – which meant there had to be a third party involved with all this. A party that knew her true identity. And that made them far more dangerous than any Syndicate.

She came out of her meditation, and allowed her feelings some freedom again. There was no point trying to leash them at night – she couldn't hold them in her dreams. As hard as she tried, she would never have the control a Vulcan did. For her, it wasn't genetic, it was a necessity.

She reluctantly laid back. She'd been meditating for more than an hour. She should sleep for a few hours, and then catch the first transport out of here. She shut her eyes, but all she saw was Jim. Damn it. She couldn't cope. She didn't want to deal with the feeling of hurt their conversation had created. He had asked who she was – that had been the worst moment. Not the look in his eyes, not his declaration that the only reason he wanted to help her was because of her father, or the blatant lie that he hadn't left her. It was the simple fact that he, who knew her better than anyone, had hadn't known who she was. Because somehow she'd believed that he'd see her, even under the mask. But maybe it wasn't a mask anymore. Maybe she wasn't Joanna anymore. She felt a wave of sadness wash over her, but blinked back the tears, turned over resolutely, and attempted to shut down her mind.

Four hours later she'd packed up her room, paid her landlord, and was moving towards the spaceport. She felt like hell. She had bruises from a few incidents yesterday she hadn't given much thought about until this morning, she hadn't slept, and food at the moment was simply out of the question. However, she already felt the weight lifting with every step she took towards her shuttle out of here.

It took her several minutes to realise she was being followed again. He was male, not Human but certainly Humanoid, and he was good. He kept back – far back, apparently acting a tourist since he kept checking a PADD and was curiously looking at the wares offered by hawkers. However, she had good instincts, and an even better memory. She knew he was following her. She slowed her pace and saw him stop and consult his PADD, maintaining the distance. He didn't follow when she sped up again but she noticed a small Bajoran woman had taken over the pursuit. Damn – these were properly trained ops, and they weren't Syndicate. They'd just pulled that off seamlessly. Without her training she wouldn't have even suspected. She needed to lose them. Maybe they were only watching her, but if they'd brought in the big guns it suggested that watching wasn't all they had in mind.

She moved into the foyer of a hotel she was familiar with. She knew that there was a basement – she'd been there before. A certain porter was an extremely useful informant and she'd met with him several times. She nodded to the concierge, who recognised her and gave her a smile. The last time she was here she'd been dressed to seduce, and he'd apparently enjoyed her extra efforts if the look he was giving her was to be believed.

"Back again?" He asked her slowly. She had a sudden idea.

"I'm meeting a client." She smiled slowly at him and he caught on immediately. It never ceased to amaze her how quickly people around here believed she was an escort – even wearing all black and looking a wreck.

"I see. A rich one, eh?"

She smiled. "Obviously. Would you be able to do something for me?"

"Depends – nothing's free in life."

She smiled and brushed his hand with her own. "I'm quite capable of paying my debts."

He looked her up and down and she suppressed a shudder. "I bet you are. What you needing?"

"I think there are some people following me. My last client's the jealous type – wanted me to pack in my work. He didn't like it when I said no. Could you make sure no one comes in here that you don't recognise?" She could already see an elderly man watching her from across the street.

"No problem."

"Thank you – I'll see you on my way out." She gave him another easy smile, and brushed past him into the foyer. Shame she wouldn't be paying that debt any time soon.

No one batted an eyelid when she got in the turbolift to the basement, which suited her nicely. The darkened space was large, larger than the hotel in fact, and there was a generally unknown hatch she'd happened to discover when her informant was otherwise occupied (i.e. tied up) that lead to a street a few blocks away. With any luck her pursuers wouldn't know of this exit.

She moved swiftly, then broke the lock on the hatch and made her way out. For a few minutes she thought she had managed to lose them – but somehow they were waiting for her. She saw the man in the reflection of the spaceport windows as she entered, watching her from across the road. He was middle aged, seemingly all muscle, with a jagged scar across his face. Damn – how the hell had they anticipated she'd be leaving today? She could see him reaching into his jacket pocket idly, and knew he was carrying a phaser. He was here to intimidate her – to force her into a mistake. Well, she couldn't afford to be making any. She quickly selected one of her unused IDs and brought a ticket. A glance around showed her that the man was now in the building with her, and there were two women, seemingly in absorbed conversation, who were watching her out of the corners of their eyes. She was in trouble. She would either have to leave now or try a flight out later, knowing they'd be watching. Her options weren't good. In this place remaining in broad daylight meant nothing. No one would raise an eyelid if they saw a woman abducted, or even shot for that matter. There was no security other than the thugs that made sure that no one was stowing away on the transports without paying them first. She could try that too – but she had a feeling that these people would expect that – and could probably out-bid her. She ran her thumb across her phaser. If it came down to it, she was going to have to fight her way out of here.

She kept moving towards her gate, but made a rapid decision and carried on past it. Best not let them know where she was going. She caught glimpses of them in the reflections in the windows. There were four now – the two women, the scarred man, and a younger man with dark skin and pointed teeth. She forced away the instinct to run while she could, and looked for a defensible area. An area where no one was going to get wounded in cross-fire. Her flight was due in fifteen minutes. She didn't have much time.

A metal staircase caught her eye. It led to a mezzanine level, populated with what appeared to be desks, abandoned at this early time of day. She took what she could get and ascended quickly. She prayed for another exit, but nothing met her eyes. Damn. This was it. She pulled her phaser into her hands and settled behind the pillar to wait. Since there weren't many hiding places, she wasn't going to have the element of surprise, but she might be able to outshoot them. Or not. She'd find out either way.

She heard their feet on the stairs. They moved slowly, expecting her to fire the first shot. She might just be jumpy enough for that. She imagined the path they would take amongst the desks – the path she would take in their situation, spreading out to surround her – and mapped their locations based on the rate of their footsteps. She took a breath, moved to the side, shot a woman to her left. She moved back to her pillar rapidly as shots rang out from either side and shuddered into her shelter. One down, three to go. They would move predictably now. One would make a run, whilst the others made distracting fire. Her bet was on the man with the pointed teeth. Left or right? A sound made her think right, and she moved and shot him. She wasn't accurate enough – the shot hit his right arm, flooring him momentarily.

A burning feeling told her that they'd caught her shoulder, but the adrenaline surging through her veins made it difficult to determine how serious the wound was. She took her shelter again, then took a breath and ran to the pillar to her left.

Their shots became more accurate as she turned to take down the other woman. They were closing in on her. She moved again, and then again, returning fire. Shots eventually came in on either side, forcing her into the open.

And then she was floored as a shot rang out, sizzling the air where she had been standing. She opened her eyes and looked into a pair of blue belonging to a body that was crushing hers. For a moment the world paused as her heart stopped. She saw fear and heat in his eyes. Then, before she'd tried to take a breath, he pulled himself off her, shooting the man. She automatically rolled onto her feet and sought a defensible position again as her mind spun.

Jim moved next to her. "I'll take care of the ugly one." He murmured, eyes already checking the scarred man's position. She nodded, and watched him bend and move away, avoiding the shots aimed at him. She glanced around the pillar, then shot the woman, who was clearly just as set on shooting her. She glanced over at Jim, who was taking care of the scarred man nicely, and went to check the body of the woman.

She was carrying a micropadd in her pocket – which Joanna put in her own. She didn't have the time to check the others when she felt Jim behind her. She spun to meet him.

"How did you find me?"

He shrugged. "I ask the right questions." He moved closer, and she found herself stepping back, keeping a safe distance from him, until she was almost pinned against the pillar again without quite knowing how. He was looking at her closely. She could feel the heat of him, just a hands breath away. "Joanna, what is going on?"

"Jim – I have to go. I have to get on a transport." She sounded desperate. She _was_ desperate. He couldn't be here. And yet he was, and he'd just saved her life. The relief was warring with fear and something else she didn't dare identify.

"Not until you tell me what is going on."

"Jim-." She started.

His blue eyes flashed. She'd forgotten how dangerous he could be. "Joanna, don't lie to me. Not again."

She didn't dare when he was looking at her like that. "I can't tell you." That was the truth.

"You're with Starfleet Intelligence, aren't you?" She froze. Oh damn. Damn, damn, damn. His expression softened. "I knew it."

"How?" She asked faintly.

He gave her a smile that she couldn't respond to. "I know you, Joanna." He touched her cheek. "I've known you since you were five. I'll know you, no matter what you say." He touched the pendent over her heart, hidden under her clothes. "And you're still wearing the necklace." She felt relief course through her, but it was tempered by panic.

"Jim, we can't talk like this. I have to go – you don't understand…" Right now they were in more danger than even she understood.

"You're not going without me."

"Jim-."

"Joanna there are people trying to kill you. Something's gone wrong."

Damn it. He was too perceptive. She attempted reason. "I can't have you with me. You're one of the most well-known names in Starfleet."

"You think this is the first time I've been undercover? Joanna, I've been doing this sort of thing while you were still playing with dolls." No he hadn't. Not what she was doing.

"Jim-."

"If you keep arguing with me you're going to miss your flight."

Her temper flared. "Damn it. This isn't a game, Jim. I'm not having you here because you're bored."

His eyes flashed again, but his voice was soft. "I'm here because I'm worried about you, kid."

She couldn't help herself. "Don't call me kid."

He chuckled, looking suddenly relieved. "Alright Sassy." He grinned at her, and her betraying heart warmed in that smile. Oh hell. This was a bad idea. A bad, bad idea. But he was right – if she kept arguing she was going to miss her transport. She nodded curtly, and he stepped back and allowed her some space. "How long until the transport?"

"Three minutes."

"Let's go then." She nodded and holstered her phaser, leaving him behind.

He moved to intercept her, and she felt his eyes on her. "What now?"

He removed his leather jacket and handed it to her. "Here. You might want to cover up that shoulder." She glanced down. Her shirt had been burnt through, and her shoulder was a rather sickening mess. Well, she'd had worse. She could still move it, and it hurt like hell, which was a good sign. "How bad is it?"

"Just a flesh wound." She lied. She accepted the jacket, and shrugged it on with difficulty. The added pressure made it burn and she had to fight to avoid flinching. He didn't look convinced but said nothing else. Which was good – they had no time for her to lick her wounds. "Now keep up, Kirk."

He grinned. "I always do."

A few minutes later they were aboard the transport. Jim had somehow managed to talk his way on and was now flirting tirelessly with one of the stewardesses. She ignored the increasingly irritating giggles from the woman and watched the planet disappear from her window. The feeling of relief she'd had earlier, knowing she would be leaving the backwater, had gone. Instead it was replaced with a lead weight in her stomach.

Watching the man next to her out of her corner of her eye and seeing her was at least completely occupied for the moment, she pulled out the PADD she'd retrieved from the woman. It was encrypted heavily, and she'd only have one attempt before it'd wipe. Damn it. She was no engineer. She'd need to use some equipment if she wanted to break into it. She put it aside in irritation. She needed information, and quickly, if she was going to salvage this situation. She didn't dare trust anyone, not after what had just happened. That left her with one option. Jaros would have to wait for a day.

Jim was now flirting with the woman across the aisle from them. Her heart sank lower. She should have never agreed to let him come. He was a liability – a massive one. If anyone realised who he was, she would be dead. She was so stupid. And there he was, sitting next to her, flirting with everything female that breathed other than her. And she was no better. Her heart had still stopped when he'd saved her from a phaser blast. She hated herself for that. She was as weak as she'd always been. She was in so much trouble.

As if reading her silent emotions Jim reached down and took her hand without breaking his conversation with the woman opposite. She forced herself to exhale slowly as he ran a thumb across her knuckles. Her grandmother's words echoed loudly in her mind again. She looked out the window. Her heart was her enemy. She knew how this would end. Even so, she held onto his hand like a lifeline.

_A/N – The song for the next chapter is Heart of Gold by James Blunt_._ Thanks for reading and please review if you have a minute!_


	10. The Boy

9. The Boy

_Right – this is a relatively fluffy chapter before we get rather gritty. I love the awkwardness of first romances, and with a father like McCoy, you know it's not going to end well… Thanks for reading and please review!_

Heart of Gold - James Blunt

And she sings, I want to know what love is

But it seems to come with so much pain

If no one wants to show me

It seems easier just to run away

'_Love... you're better off without it, and I'm better off without mine. This vessel...I give... she takes. She won't permit me my life. I've got to live hers.'_ James T. Kirk – The Naked Time TOS

Stardate: 2261

Jim: Aged 28

Joanna: Aged 12

Joanna was sitting in the corner in the room. It was snowing outside and she had taken up habitation next to the heater in her father's home. It had come as quite a shock to her system to come back to Earth for a winter break after the heat of Cerberus. The snow had started a day ago, just after she'd touched down in fact, and showed no sign of relenting. She wasn't sure she liked it – as pretty as it was. She didn't have many good memories of snow. Outside the children in the area were having a large snowball fight, and she watched them curiously from the window. They were clearly a mixture of ages – some of the older clearly teenagers with a well-planned strategy, whilst the younger, mere toddlers, simply ran about laughing. She felt a stab of envy at their fun and tried to ignore it. She wondered what it'd be like to be part of a group like that. She had friends on Cerberus, but they never just played about, not the same way that Humans did. She missed that – she missed it, despite the fact she'd never had it. Which was completely stupid.

"You know, you could just go and join them." A familiar voice said from behind her.

She spun round quickly. "Jim!" She threw her arms around his waist and she felt him laugh.

"It's good to see you too, kid."

"Don't call me kid!"

"Alright Sassy." He hugged her back for a moment.

"When did you get here?" Her dad hadn't mentioned that he'd be coming for the holidays. She'd hoped he'd might, but assumed he'd have plenty of other people to be spending time with. Her dad had hinted he'd found himself a new girlfriend.

He smiled and released her. "About thirty minutes ago."

She frowned at him. "I didn't hear."

"No – you seemed deep in thought." He glanced out the window and repeated his earlier statement. "You could go out, you know?"

She wished it were that easy. "I can't."

"Why not?" His blue eyes were assessing her thoughtfully.

"I just… I can't." What was she meant to do? She had no idea how to relate to other children – not in groups. She could speak seven languages almost fluently, could recite every member of the Federation Council, could play several musical instruments, but they weren't like the half-Vulcans she went to school with. They wouldn't be impressed by that. They'd hate her, just like the kids when she'd been to school on Earth.

"You're not scared are you?"

She bristled. "No." She wasn't. Not exactly. She just didn't want to be laughed at. Or them to say no to her face.

"Right." Jim looked sceptical. "They wouldn't dislike you, Joanna. How could they?"

She shrugged, watching the lively forms. "I'm too different." She'd had to win friendship through hard work in everyone except for Jim. But that was because they were the same. She wondered what it would be like to be normal – to be able to make friends her own age easily.

The doorbell rang, and she heard her dad answer it. She had a sudden worry as to who it might be.

"Is your girlfriend here too?"

Jim looked surprised. "My girlfriend? I don't have a girlfriend."  
>She felt unreasonably relieved. "But dad said that you-."<p>

Jim interrupted her with a smile. "She was… a special friend, Joanna. Girlfriend suggests that there's more than one date."

"Oh." She tried to work out what that meant exactly but was distracted when she heard voices in the hall, then her dad calling her name.

"Yep?" She made her way out of the room to find him, but stopped slightly short. There was a boy with him, dressed in a large jacket for the snow, with sandy hair and emerald eyes. He was a couple of years older than her, maybe fourteen, and was tall and slim and rather disproportionate – like his body hadn't caught up with his limbs. He paused when he saw her, and gave her a friendly smile.

"Hi."

"Hi." She returned his smile and felt colour come to her cheeks.

He glanced at her dad, looking hesitant. "I saw you at the window and wondered if you wanted to come out. We're just mucking about, you know, but if you wanted to…" He paused and she began to smile in earnest. He was asking her to come out. She didn't think anyone had ever asked something so wonderful before.

"Sure." Her dad cleared his throat and she felt a sudden moment of dread, and glanced up at him beseechingly. To her surprise he looked rather amused, despite the frown on his face.

"Be back before dark."

"Okay." She pulled on her coat with lightening speed and followed the boy out before he could change his mind.

The boy whistled once they'd made it out of the front gate. "Your dad is scary."

She laughed. "He's not so bad. I'm Joanna."

He grinned at her. "Marty. Nice to meet you." He looked her up and down. "How old are you, anyhow?"

"Twelve – almost thirteen."

"You're pretty small."

She rolled her eyes. As if no one had told her that before. She was sure she was owed a growth spurt. "Really? You're pretty tall."

He tried not to look too proud. "Yep – I'm still growing too."

"So am I." She pointed out.

He gave her an amused look. "So we've been building a pretty sweet fort. Want to see?"

"Sure."

He introduced her to some of the others around her age. They were all equally friendly, and for the first time she felt pretty normal – like any other kid who'd come out onto the street. They didn't ask anything about her, and it didn't matter. It was perfect being anonymous, being part of something. She spent an hour working with them in the cold, happily taking orders, and making gentle suggestions about how they could improve the fort's defences.

"Marty?" She approached him where he was rolling snowballs into a pile on the ground with the help of some of the younger ones. A small girl was beside him with identical green eyes – probably his sister. "Out of interest, what's the fort actually for? Are you expecting an attack or something?"

Marty nodded. "Yeah – some of the kids from a few blocks down are planning a surprise attack."

"A surprise attack?" That would be rather difficult – seeming as everyone knew about it.

"Well, it's not much of a surprise – news spreads round the area. But we have to maintain the good name of our block, you know?"

She most certainly did not know. It all sounded rather stupid and petty to her. However, she knew enough to keep her thoughts to herself on the subject. "Sure. So, you're just going to hide in the fort and throw snowballs back at them?" She checked she understood the game plan.

"It's a snowball fight."

"How do you know who's won?"  
>He shrugged. "Whatever team gives in first I suppose." He gave her a critical look. "You sure ask a lot of questions. You never been in a snowball fight before?"<p>

She felt her cheeks colour. "No…"

He looked intrigued. "Oh. That explains it then. You're not from around here, are you?"

She shook her head. "My dad brought a house here a month ago, but I don't stay with him usually."

"Your parents are divorced?" She nodded. "Mine too. We go between my mom and dad every weekend or so. It sucks."

She nodded her agreement, feeling relief that he didn't ask her any more questions. "So, the pride of the block rests on this fight?" She asked him slowly.

"Sure. I doubt we'll win though – I heard that there's going to be at least thirty of them, and most of the kids on our block are little – they can't throw far enough to hit anyone."

She felt a sudden desperate need to contribute – he'd been so nice to her. But she was scared what he'd think if she showed him what she knew. "We could win…"

"You can think of a way how?"

She nodded. "Well, the problem is distance, right? So we bring the little ones closer to the fight."

"How?"

She smiled. "Guerrilla tactics."

Marty gave her a long look. "What does your dad do again?" She felt a stab of panic. Maybe she should have said nothing.

"He's a doctor…"

"Right." He looked thoughtful for a moment, but then smiled. "Okay, what do we have to do?"

Fifteen minutes later she was drawing figures in the snow as the other children crowded around her. Marty's support had given her confidence, and she carefully explained her plan so that everyone understood. To her surprise, enthusiasm was high. Apparently, they'd lost epically last snow and wanted payback.

"Any questions?" She asked finally.

"No." The younger children chorused. They were especially excited to have a role in this, and she couldn't help but roll her eyes. She hoped they didn't lose their heads under pressure. The group dispersed to prepare and she was left with Marty again. He was watching her with an expression that made her blush suddenly, though she didn't really understand why. She moved to cover up her plans with snow and he moved next to her.

"You're a really strange girl." He told her. She felt her heart sink. "I didn't mean it in a bad way." He added quickly, responding to the expression on her face. "I've just never met a girl like you before."

She smiled slightly. "My friend says that the universe could only cope with one of me." Jim never seemed to mean it in a bad way though. The universe could only cope with one of him too.

"Where did you learn all that stuff about tactics?"

"I read it." It was partly true – her dad's letters had contained some of it. The rest she'd learnt on the Enterprise, from spending time with Jim.

"You must read a lot."

She shrugged. "So are we going to do this?"

"Sure."

They hid down behind the fort and waited for attack. A few minutes later she heard the loud sounds of other children moving down the street towards them. She felt adrenaline pump through her veins and exchanged an excited look with Marty. They both secured snowballs.

The voices grew closer, then one boy shouted a challenge. Before he'd even finished the sentence several of the little children, who'd been hidden under snow drifts, rose out of the ground and hurled them with snow balls before retreating to the cover of the fort. The ensuing battle was intense and left Joanna breathless as she threw snowball after snowball and avoided the onslaught as best she could. It took almost forty long minutes before a retreat was sounded from the other side and the cheer went up among the children of the block.

"It worked! I can't believe it worked! Wait until school on Monday – that'll show them!" Marty was practically bouncing and she couldn't help but laugh at his exuberance. They were joined by the others, who insisted on doing a victory circuit of the block. Joanna had never imagined what it was like to be popular, but suddenly everyone wanted to speak to her, to know her, and she found it almost overwhelming. They ended up in a park nearby as the sun began to set. She knew her time was running short, but she wanted to draw out every moment of being normal, before it was taken away.

"Joanna?" Marty came and sat on the swing next to her. "You okay?"

"Yes."

"You sure? You look a bit…"

"A bit what?" She turned to look at the boy beside her curiously. They were the last ones left now, the others leaving them behind on their way home to warm up after the cold.

He shrugged. "I don't know." He swallowed and looked at his feet. "You're really pretty, you know?" He blushed slightly, and she found herself blushing too.

"I am?" No one had ever said that to her before.

He nodded. "And you're really different from any girl I've met before."

She smiled. "You already said that."

"Well you are – good different that is. Are you going to be here tomorrow?"

"I don't know." She wasn't leaving for another two days, but her dad had mentioned taking her away, just her and him, for a bit.

"Oh. When will you be back round here?"

She shook her head. "I don't know that either."

"Is your mom's far away?"

"No – but I don't stay with her. I'm at boarding school."

He looked troubled. "So I might not see you again?"

She felt her heart sink. She liked him. "I guess not." She tried to remove the disappointed expression from his face. "You're different too, you know. No one's ever asked me to come out before. Thanks, I guess."

He smiled slightly. "No problem." He gave her a long look. "Joanna?"

"Yes?"

He moved closer and she found her heart beating faster. She kept very still and he touched her cheek. "I like you a lot."

"I like you too." He moved slowly towards her and she suddenly felt rather scared. She didn't understand entirely what was going on, but his green eyes were intent on hers, and she realised that she didn't like green, not near as much as blue. Was he about to…?

"What the hell?" A familiar voice caused him to spring away from her, and she looked around to the angry face of her father. "What the hell is going on?"

"Dad, it's okay-." She attempted, but she could see her dad was furious as he stormed towards them.

"Okay? You!" He picked Marty up by the scruff of his neck. "What do you think you're doing? She's eleven years old! How dare you touch her like that?" Mortification ran hot through her veins

"I didn't mean-." Marty was weakly attempting to defend himself from her father's onslaught.

"Didn't mean it? It sure looked like you meant it. Why, I should-."

"Dad!-" She attempted. Right now she wanted kill him.

"Joanna, run home right now. Your friend and I are going to see his parents."

"No, dad, please don't-."

"_Now_ Joanna." She wanted to protest, to get angry, but her dad was not reasonable in this mood. She needed Christine, before her dad did something stupid. She sent an apologetic look to Marty, who was clearly terrified, eyes wide and shifting between her father and her, then turned and ran.

She was blinking back the tears by the time she reached the house. She burst through the back door and into the kitchen, where Christine was preparing dinner and talking to Jim, who was leaning against the counter.

"Joanna, what's wrong?" Jim was eyeing her with worry.

"Christine, you need to go and stop dad. He saw Marty and me… Well he thought… He thought…" She had no idea how to phrase it. "He's gone to his parents, and he's really angry." She was crying outright now, tears of frustration and embarrassment.

Christine wiped her hands and nodded, exchanging a look with Jim. "It's alright Joanna." Her voice was soft and she squeezed her shoulders briefly. "Your dad doesn't stay angry for long. I'll find him, don't worry."

"I'll watch my godson, shall I?" Jim offered. He was avoiding looking at her, and was glancing at the baby who was sitting happily in his highchair, oblivious to her distress.

"Please." Christine put on her coat. "I'll be back soon. Keep an eye on dinner for me."

The baby began to wail as soon as she left, and Jim moved to comfort him. Joanna took a shuddering breath, as fresh anger flooded her veins. How could he? Marty was just trying to be nice. Her dad had no right to act like that. She was so embarrassed. Now everyone would know. Marty would never want to see her again now. She'd never be able to come back here. Hell, she'd never be able to show her face in public again.

She noticed that Christine had been preparing carrots, and she moved to finish chopping them, trying to reign in her anger. Lotoc told her that her anger made her thinking all wrong. He'd tried to teach her to control it, but wasn't doing very well. She began to slice, focusing intently on nice even sizes.

"Joanna?" Jim came to lean against the counter again, James gurgling happily in his arms. She felt a wave of annoyance at her half-brothers cheerfulness at a time like this.

"Shouldn't you being going to defend my honour or something too?" He always tried to back up her dad at moments like this.

She felt his smile. "No, I'd rather be here. Joanna?"

"What?" She snapped at him. She had a suspicion he was laughing at her, and that hurt.

"It's not the carrots fault."

"Shut up." She scowled at him and continued to chop.

"Seriously Joanna. It's not that bad…"

How could he think that? This was the most awful thing ever. "He'll never speak to me again now. He was really nice to me. No one's ever been like that to me before. And dad had to ruin it. He was only going to kiss me. What's wrong with that?" She let out a frustrated cry. "I just want to be normal. I don't want to be like this. I want a normal mom, and a normal dad, and a normal brain."

"Joanna, maybe you should give me that knife." She realised that she was pointing it at him, and he was watching it warily.

She put it down with a groan and put her head in her hands. Jim put his free arm around her. "It's alright Sassy."

"I'm never going to have normal friends." She murmured into his side as her brother gurgled and grasped her hair reassuringly.

Jim shrugged. "Maybe you're not meant for normal. You've got friends at school haven't you? And me? Maybe you're meant to be special."

She sighed, but found herself calming. "What do you think my dad's doing?"

"Talking with his parents. Christine will be there by now, so she'll calm it all down." That was true. Christine was always calm. Jim went to put his godson back in his chair and Joanna stirred the contents of the pot on the stove. Jim gave her a curious look as he leant against the counter again. She knew what was coming. "So… He was really going to kiss you?" She nodded and Jim chuckled, making her blush all over again. "Well don't worry, I know teenage boys. Your dad won't put him off for long."

"He won't?" She wasn't sure if she felt relieved.

"Nope."

She swallowed, wondering if she dared confide in Jim something she'd tell no one else. "I wasn't sure…" She didn't know how to continue.

"Whether you wanted him to do it?" Jim surmised, looking down at her face. She nodded, and Jim gave her an understanding look. "Joanna, you never should let anyone do anything to you that you don't like."

"But I wouldn't know whether I'd like it until I try it, would I?"

Jim chuckled. "Maybe, but kissing's not just about the action."

"It's not?" She'd guessed it must be more than that – because process was pretty gross otherwise.

"It's about the person too. Trust me, I've kissed people because I've needed to, and people because I've wanted to. It feels different."

She eyed him with raised eyebrows, extrapolating this piece of information. "So you've kissed a lot of girls?"

"Women." He corrected. "I've kissed a lot of women."

She stuck her tongue out in disgust. "That's gross."

Jim laughed. "I'm sure the women would disagree."

She shook her head at him, but from what she'd heard from the nurses on the Enterprise she guessed he was right. However, she wasn't willing to let this interesting subject drop. "But Christine says… She says that people should only kiss if they love each other."

Jim shrugged. "Maybe. I don't know about that. Christine and your dad are different, but most people don't kiss just because of love."

"Oh." She attempted to understand. "Then why do they kiss?"

He shrugged. "Attraction. Comfort. All sorts of reasons. I think love's something that comes later."

She looked up at him thoughtfully and he smiled at her, his blue eyes crinkling at the corners as if he anticipated her next question. "Have you ever been in love, Jim?"

"Of course. I still am."

She stared at him. She thought he'd told her he didn't have a girlfriend? Why hadn't he told her? "Who is she? Do I know her?"

"Sure you know her."

"What's her name?"

Jim laughed. "That would be giving the game away." She felt a flare of irritation.

"Well what's she like?"

Jim shook his head. "She's… beautiful, and frustrating, and completely complex. The first time I saw her, I knew that I had to have her - that I'd follow her to the ends of the universe, that I'd give up my life to lead hers. I knew we belonged together. Nothing else made sense." She felt a flare of something like jealousy.

"You knew you loved her then?"

He nodded, his face pensive. "Yes. The more I've got to know her, the deeper I've fallen. I knew when I stepped aboard her I'd never escape – and never want to."

"Step aboard?" She understood now and shook her head at him indignantly. "Jim, you can't be in love with the Enterprise."

"Why not?"

"It's just… weird." He laughed. "Haven't you ever been in love with a girl?"

He shrugged, looking rather uncomfortable. "No idea. I don't think so."

She felt her heart sink for him. "But… why?"

"I don't think I work like that."

But surely everyone could love someone? Even Spock did. Why couldn't Jim? "I don't get it…"

He didn't meet her eyes. "The Enterprise is my love, like I said. She takes everything I have. I can't get attached to anyone else." She could see he wasn't telling her everything, like maybe he thought she was too young to understand. She filed it away to ask him again when she was older. He smiled at her. "Besides, could you imagine me with a wife and kids like your dad?"

She thought about it. She couldn't see him living off the Enterprise, period. And Jim married was weird to think about. "You're good with kids… but I guess not."

"Exactly."

"But what happens when you get old and leave the Enterprise? What will you do?" She didn't like to think that Jim might be lonely. He would be without his ship. He wasn't meant to be alone.

He shrugged. "No use thinking about that now."

"You'll always have me."

He chuckled and gave her a fond look. "If you say so. You might get bored of an old man."

"I'll never get bored of you, Jim." She grinned. "And you're already an old man."

"Thanks kid."

"Don't call me kid."

"Alright Sassy." They exchanged a smile. Joanna picked up her knife and began to slice again, feeling better. She felt Jim's eyes on her and knew what was coming. "Don't be angry at your dad, Joanna. He's only trying to protect you."

She frowned. "I don't need protection."

"Your track record says otherwise. And besides, he knows what teenage boys are like."

She rolled her eyes. "What are teenage boys like?"

"Well, sometimes they aren't good at controlling their emotions..."

She raised an eyebrow. "What does that mean?"

Jim looked awkward. "It means you could be pressured into going further or doing things that you don't want to do."

"Oh." She blushed in understanding. Gross. She didn't get that impression from Marty, but how would she have known? She hadn't even considered he'd be interested in her in that way. All she'd wanted was a friend. She was never going near boys again. She was suddenly glad she went to school on Cerberus. "Well at least Vulcan boys don't have that problem." They were nice and cold and would never touch her, even accidently, unless she specifically requested it.

Jim looked thoughtful, and then suddenly worried. "Usually not but… Have you ever heard of Pon Farr?"

"What's that?"

He smirked slightly. "Why don't you ask Spock next time you see him?"

"Okay…" She definitely wasn't waiting that long.

"Let's just say that Vulcans aren't always as controlled as you think. Do you take self-defence at that school of yours?" She shook her head. "Well, maybe it's a good idea. It'll make your dad feel better."

"What will make me feel better?" Her father strode into the room with a scowl, but looking far more controlled than when she'd last seen him. She wasn't sure whether or not she was relieved he was back.

"I was suggesting that Joanna takes some self-defence lessons to stop this sort of thing happening again."

Her father nodded. "Good idea."

Jim grinned playfully. "Joanna if another boy comes within five feet of you, give him a black eye." Joanna frowned at him.

Christine tutted at him as she removed her coat. "Really, Marty was harmless. I'm sure Joanna can decide for herself which boys to let near her."

"I don't think-." Her father began.

Christine's eyes went steely. Obviously she'd had some hard words with her father earlier. "Well I do – and as far as I know I'm the only one who's been a teenage girl here." She exchanged a smile with her. It was so nice to have someone on her side against her dad - and Jim for that matter. "I survived the experience without being molested, and I'm sure Joanna will."

Her father looked sceptical. "Even so, the defence lessons are a good idea."

Jim nodded. "Two words. Pon Farr."

Christine sighed as her father turned pale. "Joanna, I'll speak to your school tomorrow."

Joanna scowled at the carrots. It was a good job she loved her dad, because clearly she'd never be able to love another person with him around. "I'll speak to them myself."

Three days later she walked the halls of her school. It was evening, and most of the other children were studying or meditating or doing something equally constructive and boring in their rooms. She let herself into the classroom silently and studied the man seated in its centre. Lotoc was dark and extremely tall – taller than Spock maybe, but broader across the shoulders. She couldn't decide much else about him – not his age, or even whether he was a full blood Vulcan or not. She studied him silently, waiting for instruction. When they'd first started their meetings she'd struggled to wait and sit still, but Lotoc had forced her to learn patience. He was meditating, but raised a hand to indicate that she should sit while he finished. She obediently took the floor opposite him and waited.

Ten minutes later the man opened his eyes and gazed at her. "Good evening, Joanna."

She forced away the irritation she felt at being made to wait. "Hi."

"You seem preoccupied tonight. How was your trip with your father?"

She sighed. "Complex."

"I see." She doubted whether he did. "What is it that you wish to ask of me?"

She frowned. She hated that he could see everything about her. "I need you to teach me to fight."

Lotoc nodded and gracefully stood. "I had anticipated such a request. Come. I have all prepared."

So began her physical training.

A/N – Thanks for reading. The song for the next chapter will be Absolute by The Fray.


	11. Damage Control

10. Damage control

_Sorry it's taken me so long to update. This is a fairly decent length chapter to make up for it. Thanks for all of you that are reading, and have put me on alerts etc. Enjoy and let me know what you think._

Absolute – The Fray

Is this all we get to be absolute?

Quiet but I'm sure there is something here

Tell me everything 'cause I want to hear

"_The word is no. I am therefore going anyway."_ James T. Kirk – Star Trek III The Search for Spock

Stardate: 2269

Jim: Aged 36

Joanna: Aged 20

Jim was not the sort of person who lived in regret. He made decisions – right or wrong – and then he dealt with the consequences and he moved on. It was the only way he slept at night – it wasn't easy being a Starfleet captain, and Pike had warned him early in his career that over-scrutinising his actions was a quick way to a breakdown. However Joanna was making him break his rule. When he'd walked out of her life two years ago he'd known it was necessary. It had hurt – more than he had expected, and if he was honest he'd missed her more than he'd ever thought possible - but her letters had reassured him that she was happy. Now he knew those letters were a lie. He'd seen the hurt on her face when she'd accused him of leaving her. That scared him. It made him feel guilty. He should have been there for her. He should have known.

He'd been taking a chance when he'd thought of the necklace. The terrifying thing was that she had almost convinced him that she wasn't herself anymore. He'd almost done what she suggested and left without her. But he couldn't forget the image of her as a girl. He'd been there after her first disastrous kiss. He'd taught her to fly. He'd held her in the worst moments of her life. These days he had rescuing her down to an art. Those things meant more than any of her words, no matter how convincing. So he'd tried to find her again. He never should have let her leave. But Joanna was good at not being found when she didn't want to be. He'd walked the streets all night with no luck, to the point of despair. And then he'd remembered the necklace. It had been a long shot – but those odds usually worked for him. And when he realised she was still wearing it, he knew. He knew what she was doing, who she was working for, and what she needed. Deep down inside, he knew she wanted him to rescue her. It was why she was still holding his hand so tightly. It was why, no matter what she said, he wasn't going anywhere.

She had been silent most of the flight. He'd tried to respect that, although he was bursting with questions, so he'd spoken to the people around him and tried to give her space. However, three stops from the end of the line enough was enough. He needed to have some idea of what they were going to walk into. Going in blind was occasionally necessary, but he'd found it was rarely healthy.

He turned to her and viewed her reflection in the window she was staring out of. She looked tired and worried. It was unsurprising. If yesterday was any indication she hadn't had it easy recently.

"Jo-." He couldn't even say a word before she interrupted him.

"Don't call me that. Not in public."

He frowned but realised she had a point. He needed to think if he was going to keep her safe. He was rusty at the subterfuge business. It had been a while since he'd gone properly undercover without the Enterprise for support. He checked no one was listening. "What should I call you?"

"Antonia."

"Alright… Antonia..." The name didn't suit her at all, but it suited the chilling woman he'd seen her become. "Where are we going?"

"To get information."

"Right…" He drew on what he knew about Starfleet Intelligence agents. It was unfortunately sparse – they were the most carefully guarded secret of the Federation – and that was saying something since Command was famously tight-lipped about pretty much everything. He'd picked up a few bits, here and there from the few he'd met, but had little concrete other than speculation about how the operations worked and the worrying suspicion of the mortality rates. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't you have a handler or something that's supposed to give you information?"

"Yes."

"Are you going to see them?"

"No."

She was still staring out of the window, and giving him nothing. Why wouldn't she be contacting her handler? Just how deep was her cover? He opened his mouth to ask more questions, but she spoke pre-emptively.

"You can't ask me anything about what I'm doing."

He stared at her. Did she actually think he would actually agree to that? He needed to know why there were people trying to kill her. "You can't expect to keep me in the dark…"

She turned to him, those brown eyes dark and penetrating. "If you want to stay here with me, you can't ask me anything. I need your word. If not I'll make sure that I disappear when we get off the transport – somewhere where you can't find me." Her voice was calm and disturbingly serious. He recognised the look on her face. Bones used the same one, usually when he wasn't going to back down on something. Stubbornness was in her genes. Well fine, he'd go along with this. For now anyway. Until he got a better feel for what she was into.

"Okay, you have my word."

She raised an eyebrow. "Just like that?"

"Just like that." She nodded, looking relieved. "Can I ask one thing though?"

The wariness flooded back into her eyes. He realised that somewhere in the last two years he'd lost her trust. That hurt. "Depends on what it is."

He looked her up and down. "Why blonde? I always pegged you for a redhead at the very least."

For a moment her eyes were wide. Then, she smiled at him. It was small, as if she hadn't done it in a long time, but it was there, with that sassy look in her eyes. He suddenly knew that it was going to be alright.

"Do you have a problem with blondes?"

"Not at all… I've met plenty I've liked…"

"I've met plenty you've 'liked' too." She retorted softly.

"But I don't think blonde is your colour." He continued.

She looked more amused than hurt. "Is that so? And what exactly is my colour, captain?" He could see some of the tension easing out of her shoulders.

"Well, I've always pegged you for a brunette. However, I do recall you being rather preoccupied about dying your hair pink when you were nine or ten."

"You never did back me up on that one."

"Well I'd seen your trials on Khan. I didn't want you turning out like a Lorterian badger."

She smiled again. "I still think he has a patch on his stomach from that."

"He does – your dad tried to remove it a few years ago and got scratched for his efforts. I think he likes it."

"Well at least the cat approved of my colour choice." She looked almost sad for a moment. She hadn't seen Khan for a long time. "How is he?"

"The same – old and fat and turning every piece of the Enterprise into a scratching post. He's taken to Spock recently."

"Taken to him?" Khan didn't like many people, and his crew knew to keep a wide berth of him unless they carried food (in which case, they should leave it and back away slowly to avoid being bitten).

"Well, he keeps pouncing on him at random moments. I think he's trying to take on the one person he can't scare on the ship."

She grinned. "What does Spock say?"

"Not much – he's still trying to work out how Khan manages to get into his quarters."

"What, he hasn't realised Uhura's letting him in?" She came to the answer as quickly as her father gleefully had.

"Nope. I don't think the idea's even occurred to him. I think Khan does him good – annoyance is a very Human quality."

The pilot announced the next stop and Joanna's smile left her face immediately, her tension flooding back. "We're getting off here."

"Boradis III?" He checked. If she was going to do something underhand a Starfleet colony with more security than Mars was probably not the place.

"Yes." She gave him an impatient look and he held his tongue. Boradis it was.

He followed her off the ship and watched her walking, looking for signs that her shoulder was causing her problems. If it was, she gave no obvious indication. He wondered when her control of her emotions had become so good as to hide every weakness. In the past he'd been able to at least get a glimpse into her feelings. But then, perhaps she'd been more open with him then. And he supposed now any weakness could get her killed – certainly if the company she was keeping was the same as yesterdays.

Security was tight on the planet, and he was forced to use his ID to get through customs. He saw Joanna's face tighten and knew the risk that he took being tracked here. He would have to work out some way of getting out of here without it – he assumed that this wasn't their final destination. He was suddenly glad he'd put away a fair amount of credits for a raining day. He was going to have to contact the Enterprise too – or Starfleet was going to send out a search party when he didn't turn up for the meeting today. He watched Joanna lead them out and into the city and wondered if he'd really thought this through. He chuckled to himself. When did he ever need to think the right thing through? He was where he was supposed to be. He had no doubt about that. The rest would sort itself out in due time.

The streets on Boradis were crowded. The last time Jim had been here the place was a fledgling outpost and people were still living in tents. These days things were much more advanced - there were high-rise buildings, and schools and street-lights. He fancied there would be a nice bar down one alley or another where information would be abundant for the right price. He was therefore surprised that, after a short walk, Joanna stopped them at the entrance of a large skyscraper. The gold plaques next to the glass doors suggested that it was the headquarters for several respectable companies – cloth merchants, trilithium dealers, charities. No one that he would suspect might be useful at providing useful information in… well he wasn't sure what she wanted information about – but it was probably not particularly legal.

"You sure you've got the right place?" He risked a glance at the woman beside him, who looked like she was steeling herself.

"Yes." She took a breath. "Jim?"

"Yep."

"Let me do the talking."

He grinned at her. "I usually do." She made no reply. Her face had gone hard and blank, an edge in her eyes. This was the woman he'd first met at the bar. This was the disturbing Antonia. Her returned presence didn't reassure him. He checked the presence of his phaser.

She walked through the empty lobby like she belonged there and he kept behind and attempted to mimic her sure gait. Thankfully Jim had never had a problem faking confidence. He could feel the vigilance radiating from her even at two paces. He wondered what exactly she was expecting in the lobby of a respectable place – this wasn't Adigeon Prime. Saying that, he'd been attacked in far more unlikely places. He kept his eyes open, and couldn't miss the number of security cameras that followed them as they walked. Their arrival had certainly been noted by someone. He exhaled slowly when they entered the turbolift.

"Fifth floor." Joanna ordered the lift. He fingered his phaser and exchanged a glance with her. She didn't _look_ concerned, despite her tension, but perhaps that was part of the act. He wondered whether she'd been doing this sort of thing every day.

The lift opened onto a busy corridor. He glanced at the doors as they made their way down it. Apparently this was the floor for lawyers – doors carried Federation accreditations with names originating from across the galaxy. None of the people that walked between offices, or sat among the sofas lined down the centre, gave them a second look. He allowed himself a small smile as he watched the couples - clients - either seated next to each other in stony silences or viewing each other in heated distaste. Divorce lawyers. His favourite.

They stopped outside a door near the end, and Joanna walked in without hesitation. The door read Yarsaren Vi followed by numerous letters of qualifications. A secretary sat at a glass desk in a waiting area. She was pretty, in a fitted pinafore, her fair hair pinned back from her dark face. There was quiet music playing in the background. Not the sort of place that he was expecting to find the deepest secrets of the Federation.

"Can I help you?" She smiled sweetly and he felt himself smile in response. Joanna shot him an icy look that warned him not to go there.

"I'm here to see Yarsaren." Her voice had changed to that unfamiliar tone that broke no arguments.

The secretary glanced at him nervously. Clearly 'Antonia' was intimidating her. "I'm sorry, but Mister Vi is not in the office at the moment."

Joanna looked straight at the door to their right as if seeing through it. "Yes he is. He hasn't left the building in three days."

The woman had gone pale. Hell, she was scaring _him_. "I don't know... I'm not sure how you can... He can't..." She stammered.

Joanna rolled her eyes impatiently. "We'll show ourselves in."

"You can't-." Joanna was already walking towards the door as she tapped her computer screen. Jim shot her his best apologetic look and followed her.

The man behind the desk showed no surprise when they entered. "It's quite alright, Cara." He told the image of his distressed secretary. "Why don't you take your lunch now?"

The Andorian was dressed in a neat pinstriped suit and looked the perfect part of lawyer. He gave them both a genial smile and indicated to the chairs in front of him.

"Antonia – it's always a pleasure."

The woman beside him took the indicated seat but he remained standing, just in case. The Andorian paused for a moment, but seeing that he was making no movement cleared his throat.

"I was not aware you had a bodyguard these days."

The man gave him an expectant look, and he cleared his throat, ready to give the cover story he'd been preparing.

"This is Jack Valentine." She murmured before he could speak. "He's an old colleague." Jim had to work hard not to laugh. Jack Valentine? Really? Clearly she was annoyed at him still.

"Well any friend of yours... Can I offer you a beverage? I believe that I have a lovely new tea from Teslon Four-."

"Cut the crap, Yarsaren." Joanna folded her arms.

Yarsaren gave her an amused look. "All right, perhaps no tea. What brings you here again?"

"I need to know who's following me."

"Following you? You mean other than the Syndicate, that Cardassian militant, several Tholian pirates and the Tzenkethi overlord? Why would you think I know anything about that?"

Joanna gave him an unimpressed look. "Are you really going to do this again? After last time?" The man smiled patiently. Joanna scowled at him. "Fine. I know what you really do Yarsaren – and who you take money from. You know I know, and have enough to bring you down should I choose. Does that cover it?"

"Perhaps..." He looked amused. Clearly he rather liked Antonia's aggression. "So these people... I heard that they attempted more than following you." Joanna said nothing. "Very well – but I'm afraid you'll be disappointed with my answers. The truth is that I don't know much..." He paused and Joanna gave him an icy look.

"Don't make me ask you again."

The Andorian glanced at him. "Is she always like this?" Jim had no idea how to reply to that. Perhaps Antonia was. Joanna didn't threaten. At least she hadn't a few years ago. She just charmed you into submission. He shrugged and the Andorian sighed. "Well, the people following you are private contractors working for Trasta International. Apparently there's a contract out to take you alive if possible."

"If possible?" Jim blurted without thinking. Well, that explained the attack on Adigeon. But why would someone want her dead or alive? Joanna shot him a warning look.

Yarsaren chuckled. "Quite – Antonia is rather hard to abduct – as the Tzenkethi found out a few days ago. You know, it wasn't very nice to leave them as you did."

Joanna rolled her eyes, piquing his interest. "Who is paying them?"

The Andorian shook his head. "That I don't know, I'm afraid. Not any of the usual suspects – I checked. Clearly it is someone with both the means and power to pay for silence. Angered anyone else recently?" She frowned, eyes looking inward, but said nothing. Yarsaren looked like he was trying to read her face. He eventually broke the silence again. "So, I hear that you've made it in to the top ranks of the Syndicate..." He was clearly hunting for information. Joanna said nothing. "You've interested a lot of people with your claims." Still nothing. "They'll not like it if the claims fall through."

Joanna gave him that very direct look of hers. "Was that a warning, Yarsaren?"

"Just a bit of friendly advice. They're not people to cross lightly."

"As you know too well."

A troubled look crossed the man's face, but cleared almost immediately. "Quite. Now your friend here will be needing an ID and a cover, will he not?"

Jim glanced up and suddenly realised the game that they played. The man must know who he really was, had probably known since Adigeon Prime if he had known Joanna was attacked. And Joanna was bound to know he knew, but had given him a false name anyway. It was all smoke and daggers – all veiled threats and implied information. It reminded him of his encounters with Starfleet Intelligence, but this man clearly was not a member of the Federation's elite. What else did he know? Did he know who Joanna really was? And who else would he tell if he did? He hoped Joanna had something good on him because he was going to sell her out to the highest bidder otherwise. The man was dangerous, and he didn't trust him at all.

"Yes. And I want you to wipe away any record of our travelling together, or coming to this planet, Yarsaren."

The man frowned. "That will not be easy."

"I wouldn't have come to you if I thought it would be."

"I'm sure that was a compliment." The man smiled at her. "Very well – I'll ensure the security footage and the flight information is altered."

"Good."

"And I'll have someone bring you the ID in an hour."

She nodded and stood. "Very well. And just so we're clear, Yarsaren, if _anyone_ finds out about my colleague's presence here or anywhere else, I will hunt you down and kill you." Jim felt an icy thread weave through him at the threat in her voice. This was the new, harder Joanna he'd glimpsed over the last few hours.

The Andorian frowned, but glanced at him from the corner of his eye. Jim felt his heart sink. She might have just pushed too far then – she was clearly protective of him, and that might just be a weakness that the man would capitalise on. "I'm offended by your lack of trust, Antonia."

"When you give me a reason to trust you, you can be offended."

"When have I ever fed you the wrong information?"

"When have you ever told me everything?"

"I don't know what you-."

"Enough. I'm not here to play games. But if I find out you've kept something from me that could get me killed, I will come and find you Yarsaren." The man swallowed but nodded. Joanna emphasised her point with a look, then stood and left without another word.

Jim was surprised by the abruptness of her departure, but attempted to keep it from his face. He nodded to the man congenially, then made to leave himself. The Andorian's voice made him pause at the door. "A word of warning, my friend. I'm guessing you don't know yet what your 'colleague' is in to. She'll get herself killed sooner or later. I'd anticipate sooner. I'd recommend you get out now while you can." Jim felt himself bristle, but it was clouded with trepidation. He didn't know what she was doing – and clearly this man had some idea. But she was Joanna – and, despite everything, or perhaps because of everything, he trusted her.

"A word of warning _my friend_ – I'd not do anything to compromise my 'colleague', because, trust me, she usually makes good on her threats. And so do I." He didn't turn back, but he could feel the eyes on him all the way out of the building.

Joanna seemed preoccupied as they moved back into the city, her face stony. He felt the need to lighten the mood before he lost his mind in questions that he wouldn't get any ready answers to. "Well that was fun." He murmured to her. She glanced at him. "Your dad did always warn me about divorce lawyers..." He saw a small smile play around her lips and felt some of the tension ease. "Do I want to know how you met him?"

"Maybe I needed a quick divorce?"

He snorted. As far as she was aware she hadn't even had a serious boyfriend other than that Vulcan – and he wasn't sure if that counted. Though two years was a long time... He felt something tighten in his chest and pushed it away. "If you needed to dispose yourself of a husband you'd just introduce them to your dad."

She laughed under her breath. "Perhaps I prefer a more humane way?"

He chuckled. "Unlikely. Just promise me I get to be there for the fireworks. And to restrain your dad, of course." He always found people answered his questions more readily when caught off guard – and he hoped Joanna was no exception. "Out of interest, what happened to the Tzenkethi you met?"

Joanna's smile turned hard. "They fell through some ice."

That didn't seem so bad. "Some ice?"

"Between glaciers..."

Well, that was worse. "I imagine it was a rather long way down." He commented slowly.

Her face turned dark. "I imagine someone will find them... Eventually..."

More likely they'd freeze to death first. And she would have too if she'd been injured out on the ice-fields of Adigeon. He didn't doubt she'd been running, maybe even fighting for her life when she'd done what she had. It was a sobering thought, and he tried hard not to think about it. "Remind me not to make you angry."

"I wasn't angry. If I was angry I would have thrown a purita down with them and let the play ultimate warrior." That hard smile was back on her face.

He shook his head at her. A few Tzenkethi and an angry wild cat. He definitely didn't want to make her angry. "Why were they after you?"

Her face became blank. "I thought I told you not to ask questions about what I'm doing?"

"So it's got something to do with your assignment? How was I meant to know? I can think of several reasons why they'd be after you." He lied smoothly. It looked like his earlier ability to get her talking was short-lived. It was frustrating, but he was a patient man. "For all I know you were trying to divorce one of them." Her face softened marginally. Well that was a close one. "So, am I allowed to ask what we're going to do now?"

She shrugged. "Shopping."

"Shopping?" With the seriousness of their current predicament, shopping seemed rather far down his list.

She rolled her eyes. "Are you going to repeat everything I say? Yes shopping. I need to change my appearance, and you are probably going to need some clothes."

That was a good point. He only had what he was wearing, and Joanna still had his jacket on. He rather liked it on her, despite the fact it would probably be ruined by her shoulder. He tried not to think too hard about that. "I'm going to need to contact the Enterprise. I should be on Earth right now."

Joanna nodded. "Use a public communicator, and make sure it's properly encrypted."

He raised an eyebrow. It had been a while since someone had issued him orders. "Really? A public one?"

"Yes. You-." Joanna realised he was being sarcastic, and blushed slightly. It was the first hint that she wasn't as sure of herself as she pretended. "Sorry."

"It's fine. I know how easy it is to believe I'm an idiot."

Her eyes flashed with amusement. "Yes it is. Can I trust you not to get in trouble if I leave you alone for an hour?"

"Can I trust you to come back after an hour?"

She raised an eyebrow. "Do you think I would have gone to the trouble of getting you another identity if I was planning to lose you?"  
>"Maybe you were lulling me into a false sense of security?"<p>

"You feel secure with me? "

He remembered the people chasing her, and his current incessant need to check the location of his phaser. "Well... I guess not..."

"So I can't lull you into it then." She smiled her victory. He frowned at her, but this was the most animated he'd seen her – the most like the normal Joanna.

"You know, I was sure you were going to grow out of the whole argumentative thing."

"Really? When you know my dad?"

He chuckled. "Touché. So where will I meet you?"

"I'll find you, don't worry."

Her smile was disconcerting. "How?"

"I'll look for the usual crowd of women."

"What usual-?" She was already striding away from him, ignoring his protestations. He frowned at her retreating form. There had never been a crowd. Or so he'd thought. It occurred to him that she hadn't really answered any of his questions. Why did women get more complicated with age? With a sigh he went and sent a transmission to the Enterprise.

The young ensign who answered him stuttered prettily when she realised it was him, and didn't remember to take his authorisation codes until he reminded her. He'd have to have words with Uhura about that. He ordered her to pass a message to Starfleet that he would not be able to attend their meeting.

"What reason should I cite, sir?"

That was a good question. Sorry, but the daughter of my chief medical officer is attempting to sell a biological weapon to a bunch of criminals whilst being hunted down by assassins of unknown origin? Tempting, but Joanna would murder him.

"Family emergency. I'll make contact with the Enterprise later and let you know where to get me."

"Understood. I hope all is well with your family, captain."

He did too. "I'm sure it will be. Thank you for your concern, Ensign. Have a lovely day. Kirk out."

Well that was easy. He was sure no one was watching, but he cleared the entire transmission history from the computer to be safe. Then he went shopping.

It had been a long time since his last clothing expedition. He had an uncomfortable feeling that Joanna had been with him the last time too – which put the date as several years at least. It was strange how things changed. She had been a teenage girl then, all awkwardness and smiles. He remembered the figure he'd watched in black at the bar. She wasn't a girl any more. She hadn't been the last time they'd met either, but he'd promised himself he wouldn't think about that ever again – not if he wanted to keep his sanity. He needed to consider her as the little girl he knew, and nothing more. The problem was that she'd never just been a little girl to him. She'd always been, at the very least, his friend.

Living in a uniform meant that shopping wasn't particularly easy. Thankfully there were several helpful shop assistants that pretty much did the job for him. A few more words, and a rapidly constructed sob story (involving a woman that had broken his heart and taken charge of all his accounts) ensured that his credits would not be traced back to him. He was just thanking a particularly helpful assistant who was in the process giving him her contact details in case he needed a 'sympathetic ear', when he noticed Joanna outside. She was leaning against a tree at apparent ease, her face carefully schooled to blankness, but he could see how her eyes shifted - watching the world around her, checking the reflection in the window of the shop. He felt a wave a relief that she'd come back. It wasn't until he'd detached himself from the ladies in the shop and was walking towards her that he noticed the change. She looked more like... Joanna. Her hair was dark brown again, cut to her shoulders and framing her huge dark eyes. She was in loose linen trousers and a white shirt that brought out her tanned skin, and a dark rucksack slung casually over a shoulder. She looked good. He couldn't deny it. She also looked young.

"You've changed." He grinned at her, and she rolled her eyes at him but blushed slightly and handed him his jacket.

"I got it cleaned." She pointed out, as if expecting him to complain. He shrugged it on, and tried to ignore the fact it still smelt of her despite supposed cleaning.

"How's the shoulder?"

She shrugged slightly. "I've had worse."

That didn't reassure him. Quite the opposite in fact. "Maybe I should have a look at it?"

"Maybe you should have a look at these." She handed him an envelope containing a PADD and a new ID and they began to walk.

He frowned as he examined it closely. "Jack Valentine? Seriously?" He'd forgotten the name she'd selected him. That was just mean.

She grinned at him. "It suits you."

"I sound like a stripper."

"As I said, it suits you."

He was too concerned about what 'Jack's' occupation might be to respond. Thankfully it was a nice ambiguous 'merchant'. He glanced through the rest of the background information – it was reassuringly detailed. Enough to backstop him through most situations. Yarsaren was good – he'd give him that.

"So where are we off to now?" He turned to the silent woman next to him. He couldn't fail to notice they were heading towards the spaceport again.

Joanna paused, clearly weighing up whether to tell him. He ignored a flare of irritation. "Jaros." She finally responded.

Jaros? Everyone in Starfleet knew of Jaros – although no one wanted it go there. It was the site of Starfleet's largest prison. "Planning on visiting the Stockade?"

She rolled her eyes. "It's a large planet, Jim. Everyone forgets that."

"That's not an answer."

"I plan to enjoy the scenery. It's nice and warm at this time of year in the Southern Continent."

"You've been there before?"

"Maybe."

He sighed. "A straight answer might be nice, Sassy."

"We're going somewhere safe. Is that enough?"

"Safe as in Intelligence safe?" Was she taking him to a safehouse?

She shook her head. "No. With a friend."

His instincts niggled. "A friend?"

"Yes."

"As in boyfriend?"

She laughed softly. "Is that your subtle way of asking me if I'm dating anyone?"

"I wasn't trying to be subtle. Are you?" He attempted not to be too interested in her answer.

"Of course not." Her amusement at the subject perplexed him.

"Of course?"

"I'm Antonia. I don't trust anyone enough." She said it as if that explained everything. Maybe it did.

"What about this friend?"

"He's different."

"How?"

"You'll see. Now shut up and let me buy us some tickets."

He shook his head at her sternly but followed her to the desk. The man looked between them with interest, clearly attempting to discern their relationship. There was an appreciative look in his eyes when considering Joanna that made him want to move closer to her, though what he would be protecting her from was anyone's guess. Joanna was able to take care of herself in the majority of ways – he and her father had ensured that.

They boarded the transport without too much problem, but she forced him into the window seat 'For the safety of every female aboard'. He wasn't entirely sure whether it was safety from him, or from her with that dark look on her face. He could tell from the way she was holding her shoulder as she sat that it was causing her more pain than she let on. He would have to have a look at this 'friend's' place. He was no doctor, but he'd had his share of wounds over the years, and had had to learn to deal with them.

Her tension increased almost exponentially after they sat down, mimicking their earlier flight. Clearly she wasn't a fan of enclosed spaces. He wondered what had caused that – she'd never had a problem in the past. Maybe she'd been shot at unexpectedly one too many times. Things like that got into your head after a while. He remembered how it had taken him months after the Year War had ended to sleep without fear of a red alert.

"Just relax." He murmured to her softly, and took her hand again. It was small in his, and cold. He rubbed her palm in a gesture of comfort. "I've got our backs."

She gave him an unreadable look, and he wondered for a moment if she was going to argue. Maybe she wouldn't trust him with even this. Then she leant back and shut her eyes and he smiled to himself over the small victory. He'd always been there for her in the past – just as she'd always had his back when it came down to it. It seemed like she hadn't forgotten after all.

The flight was short, and they landed after only a few hours in space. He felt the exhaustion gnawing at him as they disembarked. He hadn't slept since the Enterprise, and had kept his eyes open on the flight because Joanna had hers closed. Joanna looked just as tired. He was fairly sure she hadn't slept, despite her eyes being closed - he'd felt the tone remain in her hand the whole time. He wondered when the last time she'd slept properly was. Maybe she was like him now. He hoped not. He ran a hand across his face and wondered if there would be any fun and games on the surface. He'd quite like a nap before shooting his way out of any more spaceports.

Thankfully his luck held, and they disembarked and left the building without any problem. When Joanna had said Jaros was warm, she'd grossly underestimated the situation. The spaceport was in the centre of what appeared to be a desert. There wasn't another building in sight – nor anything living for that matter. He wondered whether they'd need radiation gear to venture outside but Joanna shrugged off the idea. She hired two bikes, speaking a fast dialect he was unfamiliar with, and, once she removed their tracking chips, they set out into the wilderness.

He was expecting her to lead him to a town – or a house at the very least. Instead they seemed to driver deeper into the desert, and signs of civilisation seemed increasingly remote. Huge rock formations littered the ground, pointing up into the sky like fingers and making driving at speed increasingly challenging. That being said, he couldn't remember when he'd enjoyed himself so much. There was that thrill of driving something complicated at speed - his heart pounding, the adrenaline in his veins, the wind in his face. Joanna seemed to mirror his feelings, her face unguarded as she set the pace and led them some unseen route. They were both breathless when she finally pulled them over next to an unremarkable formation. The sun was setting, throwing massive purple shadows and lowering the heat to almost bearable.

He grinned at her. "That feels better."

"Not been feeding your adrenaline addiction recently?" She echoed his grin and ran a hand through her hair that was appealingly windswept.

"Just a black hole machine, a plague, and difficult negotiations with the Klingons. Nothing to get the heart pumping."

She chuckled. "Such a boring life you lead."

"As do you. Out of interest, is there something special about this rock, or are we just having a rest?"

"Why? Don't think you could keep up with me anymore?"

"I'd like to see _you_ try and keep up with _me_, kid."

"Don't call me kid."

"Alright, Sassy."

They grinned at one another.

Joanna turned from him and began to feel the surface of the rock beside her at face level. He heard something click, and she pulled a long rectangle of rock away, leaving a hole. She put her arm in and he heard a soft beeping and then a hiss. And suddenly the rocks that were to his left disappeared and were replaced with a small house. He stared. He'd seen plenty of interesting technology in his time, but never in the hands of a Human. And normally it was being used to kill him.

"That... You just... There was some sort of forcefield there?"

"It's a hologram projected over a cloaking device." She told him calmly, moving closer to the building.

"This guy has a cloaking device?" Who brought a cloaking device? The things cost more than his life savings and you usually had to murder a Klingon to get one. "I think I've just found someone whose paranoia overtakes your dad's."

"It's not his – its mine." She replied mildly.

"Oh." That was even worse.

"Joanna?" The voice was mellow and strongly accented. He turned to see an elderly man – by all appearances a Mazarite - dark hair flanked with white at his temples, two ear flaps on the side of his face – standing at the door. The fact that he knew her name – her real name – made his heart stop momentarily. However Joanna seemed to be genuinely relaxed for the first time since he'd met her and moved to greet him.

"Hy'Lar. I'm glad to see you."

"And I you. I was concerned when I'd had no contact from you for so long."

"Things have been... difficult." Her face grew troubled again. The man's eyes shifted to his. He was surprised to see they were hostile and guarded. Clearly just because Joanna trusted him enough to bring him here didn't mean he would.

"I'm Jack Valentine." He moved to greet the man with his pseudonym.

The man gave him a cursory nod, but all his words were directed to her. He didn't look happy. "I'm surprised you brought company, Joanna."

"I had little choice. Jack is... an old friend."

They looked at one another, clearly understanding one another perfectly. Something about that grated. "I see. Well come in. I'll need to see that shoulder."

He glanced at Joanna in surprise and she gave him an amused look but said nothing. She rebooted the shield via a small rock close to the house and he followed her in.

It was blissfully cool inside. The floors of the entrance hall were stone, the walls whitewashed and decorated with curious objects from around the galaxy. A small door to the right led down some steps and into a large open longue. Joanna smiled at the dusky sunlight streaming through the large bay window and through the room.

"The rug is new."

"I picked it up a few weeks ago. I thought you would like it next to the window."Hy'lar followed them in and gave Joanna a gentle look.

She smiled at him. "I do. It's perfect."

"Well don't ruin it with your blood. Come and sit down."

She obeyed him without a word of protest – not even a dark look, and took a seat at the small table against the wall. Who _was _this man? And why did he remind him of Bones?

Jim watched as he opened a case and selected a dermal regenerator, and Joanna rolled up her sleeve. He whistled under his breath. Her shoulder was bloody and charred. Her father would be going mental. Joanna looked rather unconcerned. Hy'Lar looked equally unbothered.

"Does it hurt?" He probed its depth with a tool. She winced.

"Yes. It's only second degree, don't worry. Just regenerate it – it won't need grafting."

The man nodded and began to debride the damaged flesh. He attempted to distract her - and himself from that persistent feeling that it should be him that was helping her. And the fact he wasn't sure she would have let him.

"You're sounding like a nurse."

"I _am_ a nurse."

That surprised him somewhat. "You completed your training?" He'd just assumed it would be a cover for her Intelligence training – though he didn't know much about what that involved.

"Of course. Just a bit quicker than normal." She gave him an amused look. He'd told her the same thing once he recalled.

"I'm sure your dad was pleased."

A fleeting sad look passed over her face. "I'm sure he would be." So another thing her father didn't know. He supposed Bones would have told him if she'd graduated early. He was always so proud of her. Jim was too – or he had been. Now he wasn't so sure what to think.

She was silent after that, and he didn't know what to say to make it better.

"All right. You're done." The Mazarite broke the silence with his lilting voice.

Joanna rotated her shoulder, and examined it carefully. "Thank you. You've done a good job."

"You give me plenty of practice."

She nodded, her face blank, and Hy'Lar gave her a probing look. She didn't meet his eyes. Jim wracked his brain – were Mazarites telepaths, or empaths? He didn't recall it being so, but the species liked to keep themselves to themselves. Certainly the man looked concerned, and he felt himself growing concerned too.

"Excuse me." To his surprise Joanna got up and walked out without another look. He frowned, and went to follow her – to find out what was wrong, but Hy'Lar's voice stopped him.

"Let her go."

He paused and glanced back to him. "Why?"

"Because she needs some space. It's not easy coming out of deep cover. Crowd her and she'll panic."

He frowned at the man – he clearly didn't just know Joanna's name - but something in his voice made him listen, even if he didn't believe his explanation completely. He moved back into the room as the man took Joanna's seat at the table. "You sound like you're speaking from experience. Are you an agent too?" He couldn't think why else she would trust him with so much information about herself. He'd seen the level of stress she was working under.

"An agent? No. Do you think I would have got to this age in that profession?"

Jim took a seat next to him. "Then who are you?"

"Who are _you_?"

"I've told you who I am." Jim pointed out.

"You've told me a name."

Jim raised an eyebrow. "You don't trust me." It wasn't question.

"No."

"Joanna does." At least enough to bring him here. That meant something at least.

The man shrugged. "Joanna is young. Young enough that she might still be swayed by her heart and a handsome face."

"You don't trust her judgement?"

"I trust her in everything except this. She has never brought anyone back before. It is out of character."

"Perhaps it's a sign."

The man gave him a steady look. "Perhaps."

He realised he really needed this man on side. He attempted to make the peace. "Well, I trust Joanna completely. If she trusts you, then I will too."

"You trust very blindly." The man would not give an inch.

"I know Joanna well."

"How well?" Now he knew why he reminded him of Bones. The inquisition had begun.

"We're old friends."

"I see." The Mazarite looked at him closely, and he felt something, almost as whisper, run through his mind.

"What are you doing?" Jim felt a wave of anger at the violation. So he certainly had some telepathic ability then.

"What I must. Now excuse me. I will prepare an evening meal."

The man left Jim just as abruptly as Joanna had, and he was left alone in the room.

Dinner was an hour later, and eaten mostly in silence. Joanna mostly picked at her food, and that bothered him. She'd lost weight, her realised – and not a healthy amount. Hy'Lar looked equally concerned but made no comment. She excused herself again soon after eating, looking troubled and distant. For a moment Jim couldn't decide whether to follow her or not. He was exhausted, and he didn't really understand what was going on, but couldn't bear the thought that she was pushing him away already. He heard Hy'Lar make a sound of protest again, but ignored it this time. He wasn't going to invade her privacy – but they needed to talk.

She was sitting on the floor of a bare room in semi-darkness, PADDs spread around her haphazardly. She looked up as he entered, and swiftly moved to hide whatever she was doing.

"I wasn't going to look." He commented. She shrugged but made no further comment. He searched for something to fill the silence. "So what is this room for?"

"Everything. Sometimes a gym, sometimes for meditation..."

"Or for working?" She nodded, eyes on him. He struggled to find the right words again. What was it about her now that made him so inarticulate? He never usually had a problem speaking to women. "So..."

"So."

He took a seat on the ground next to the wall, putting enough distance between them. Enough distance to give her space – and freedom to walk out should she choose. He'd seen the panic in her eyes when he'd pushed her for answers after that fire-fight. He understood that she didn't like to be cornered. No one did. He felt bad about that, but he'd been out of options. He'd get answers from her more gently in the future.

Her eyes were still on him, that direct look that he was so familiar with, but felt suddenly very new. It made him nervous, though he wasn't exactly sure why. He wished suddenly that she didn't know him so well – that he had the advantage of anonymity that he had with other women. "You should get some rest. You look tired." She said softly.

"I am tired." He agreed. "But we need to have a chat first." Her eyes instantly became guarded. He wasn't surprised, but he wished she'd stop it and just open up to him.

"About what?"

"About why you joined Intelligence." Out of everything, it was the one thing that didn't make sense. Oh he could see why they'd want her – she had a skill set that would make her particularly desirable, and had done more in her short years of life than most people had done in their whole. But her father had almost lost his life due to Starfleet Intelligence, and she knew better than most the price that the information came at. Why would she join?

"You promised not to ask questions." She sounded more weary than angry.

"I promised not to ask questions about what you're doing. Not about what you've done."

She shook her head at him, but there was slight defeat in her eyes. "I thought you agreed too readily."

"I did. So why Intelligence, Sassy? I thought you were set on being a nurse?"

She shrugged. "Maybe I wanted more than that."

"You've wanted to be a nurse since you were eight." He pointed out.

"Maybe I wanted to make a difference."

"You wouldn't as a nurse? You're a great nurse."

She shook her head. "I was a _good_ nurse. I'm a great agent." There was bitterness on her face that he didn't really understand.

"But what about your dad? I assume he doesn't know about this?"

Her face clouded. "Of course not. We both know what he'd do if he found out what I am. You can't tell him Jim – no matter what."

He nodded. It would kill Bones to know Joanna had become the one thing in Starfleet he couldn't bear. But maybe that was the point. "Did you join because you were angry at him?"

She looked surprised. "Angry at him? No, of course not."

He paused, then asked the other, more worrying suspicion. "Did you do it because you were angry at me?"

She rolled her eyes, but didn't meet his. "Not everything revolves around you, Jim. I just realised that I'd be better suited to something that used all of my abilities. People are dying every day because Starfleet has a lack of intelligence. I can save thousands of lives. I can prevent wars and genocide and protect innocents. That's what Starfleet's all about. You taught me that."

He watched her carefully, something niggling at his instincts. "I don't believe you."

She looked him full in the face, eyes flashing angrily. "Why not?"

"Because I know you." Joanna wouldn't give up on her dreams as easily as that. He remembered her telling him all about how she was going to be a nurse on the Enterprise just a few years ago. No one's dreams changed that quickly – not when the dream was still obtainable. And she was stubborn to the bone.

"Clearly you don't. I get the feeling you wouldn't believe anything I say right now, Jim."

"I believe you're a great agent." He told her honestly.

She raised an eyebrow, looking bewildered. "Why?"

"Because you're twenty. No one would put someone as young as you into a situation like this unless you were special." He was going on a limb there, but he believed it. He'd had some time to think. Even Intelligence couldn't be so desperate for agents that they'd put her into a scheme that was clearly important unless she had something special to offer.

"You don't know what you're talking about."

"No, I don't. I haven't met many Intelligence agents. But I've met a few." He'd only known one well – or well enough to recognise the same signs in Joanna when he'd seen her again.

"You've met some agents?"

"You can't have worked this long in Starfleet and not met some agents."

"Oh." She looked perplexed. "How well...?" He raised his eyebrows and she shook her head.

"I don't want to know." She sighed. "You should go and get some sleep. The bedroom's upstairs – first on the right. Be quiet – Hy'Lar will already be asleep."

"Was that a dismissal? I feel like I should salute."

She smiled slightly. "Maybe it was. You're in my house, after all."

"Your house? I thought it was Hy'Lar's.

"It's mine." She owned a house? He didn't even own a house. He bet she hadn't brought it in her own name. He was fairly sure the transaction would also be miraculously untraceable. She was already looking back down at her PADDs. "Goodnight Jim."

He frowned and studied the woman in front of him. She looked as exhausted as she had earlier. "Are you going to sleep any time soon, Joanna?"

"Of course. I have a few things to do first." She didn't look at him.

"Right." Well that was a clear dismissal. She wasn't going to talk any more. And although he was tempted to pull the PADD from her hand and force her to bed, he didn't think that would fly with her. She'd always been a nightmare to put to bed as a kid. She wouldn't be much better now she really could beat him up. "Well night."

"Night."

And that was that. The bedroom was the same as the other rooms of the house – white walls and a stone floor. There was a Vulcan work of art on a chest of drawers, and an Orion painting on the wall. Jim checked the drawers and the wardrobe. They were all empty. He wasn't particularly surprised. There was a large double bed in the centre of the room, neatly tucked with white sheets and pillows. His bag was leaning against it, and he pulled off his clothes and pulled on a pair of loose pants, then placed his phaser on the bedside table next to him and laid down. It took him only a moment to realise there was something under the pillow. He pulled out a knife. It was long bladed and sharp. Well, at least he could be sure this was Joanna's room. He wasn't entirely sure what to think of its presence. He replaced it carefully and laid back down.

It should have been easy to sleep. He was exhausted and psyched out. Any normal person would have been out as soon as their head hit the pillow. But he wasn't most people. He wasn't good at sleeping alone. He'd had the problem since he was a kid. He'd found ways of dealing with it –the most obvious being his company at night. Alcohol was another resort that he'd used frequently as a teenager, and once in Starfleet Bones had introduced him to a favourable sedative for his rare nights alone. However, none of them were options right now, which left him alone in the dark with his thoughts.

He kept coming back to the difficulties he was facing right now. There were several problems with the situation, and he couldn't quite work out which one bothering him the most. The fact there were people trying to kill Joanna was concerning. The fact he was here, two years after promising himself he'd keep away from her, was something else all together. And she was destroying herself – anyone could see that. She needed him. She was Joanna, and he protected her. He always would. Even when she didn't think she needed it. Especially when she didn't think she needed it. But this time he wasn't entirely sure how.

He got up after a while. The house was dark as he moved silently down the stairs. He wasn't sure where he was going until he saw that the light was still on in the room of unknown purpose. Joanna was still seated in the middle of the floor, legs crossed, eyes shut. She was meditating – he'd seen her do it several times before. The PADDs were piled neatly against the walls, and he could have looked he supposed, but for some reason he couldn't take his eyes off the woman before him.

She'd tied her hair back, revealing high cheekbones and long eyelashes. In the bar he remembered thinking that if her face had matched her body she'd be beautiful – but he was wrong. Joanna had never been beautiful. That was a word used too often – he used it too often – and she wasn't exactly, not in the conventional sense. There was just that... something... about her. That thing that had been making men take another look since she was a teenager. He'd been trying very hard not to think about it since they'd met again – and he would continue to ignore it if he knew what was healthy. But seeing her relaxed and vulnerable like she was now, her mind looking internally, he couldn't stop himself. Because, like it or not, there was something there. There had been since she was eighteen years old. And he was pretty sure that it still made him a bad person.

As if reading his thoughts Joanna opened her eyes and met his. For a moment she went rigid, hand automatically reaching for her phaser. Then she focused, realising it was him, and her face softened.

"Still awake?"

He shrugged, and attempted to realign his thoughts to something more rational. "So are you."

"Not for much longer." She stood up and stretched, then gave him a small smile. "Come on."

He followed her back upstairs and knew exactly where they were going. He didn't pause though. He didn't particularly want to. She sat at the end of the bed – her bed – and began removing her shoes in the moonlight. That made him stop at the door. Oh hell this was not a good idea. It was a situation like this that had got him in trouble in the first place.

She looked up at him and gave him a confused look. "Are you just going to stand there, Jim?"

He swallowed. "We probably shouldn't... Your dad would murder me..."

She rolled her eyes impatiently. "Don't be an idiot. I'm still me. It's hardly the first time we've shared a bed. Don't get weird about it now."

He shook his head. "I'm not. But even so..."

She frowned at him and stood up. "You don't like sleeping alone. I don't _want_ to sleep alone tonight. This is the only spare bed in the house. I'm sure you can keep your hands to yourself for one night."

Her frankness made him smile – because it was so her. And suddenly the tension was gone. "I'm sure I can, Sassy, but I'm not the only one with hands."

She snorted. "It's fine Jim. You're safe. I'm too tired for _anything_ – if I even wanted to. Which I don't."

"Glad to hear it, kid." He really was.

"Don't call me kid."

"Alright, Sassy."

They smiled at one another, and Joanna moved and pulled a pillow so it lay in the centre, dividing the bed. He was suddenly worried that they'd have the awkwardness of determining who slept on which side of the bed – and he'd avoided relationships for exactly this reason. Thankfully Joanna got into bed before he could even comment – into the side he'd been attempting to sleep on previously, placing her phaser next to his.

"Well you've warmed it nicely for me." She said matter-of-factly.

He chuckled and got into bed beside her. "Glad I've done something right today."

She yawned softly, and turned onto her side, back to him. "Who said you've done anything wrong?"

It had been implied, even if she hadn't said anything. He decided to change the subject. "What's with the knife, Joanna?"

"Says the man who keeps a phaser next to him?"

"You already have a phaser too. Isn't a knife overkill?"

She paused. "A knife doesn't make a sound before it does its job. It's more convenient when someone's got their hands around your neck."

He frowned into the darkness. She certainly sounded like a weapons dealer right now. "Alright, that's just disturbing. I wish I hadn't asked." It explained a lot though – every agent he'd met had numerous knives secreted around their body at any one time. He wondered how many Joanna did right now. And how exactly he wanted to find out.

"And yet you did. I'd be careful what you ask – you might not like the answers."

"So I'm discovering. Joanna-."

"Jim?" She interrupted him ruthlessly.

"Yep."

"Can we go to sleep now?"

He chuckled into the darkness. He'd really missed her. "Night, Sassy."

"Night."

He listened to the sound of her breathing, and realised, with a sudden clarity, the thing that had been disturbing him the most. It had been Hy'Lar's comment – when he'd told him that he wouldn't have got to his age if he'd been an agent. He had a feeling that Joanna's life expectancy wasn't going to be long unless he did something. So he would do something. He had no choice. Whatever it took. He would keep her safe. He just didn't know how yet.

_A/N_ – _The song for the next chapter will be Fall for Anything by The Script. I've been particularly looking forward to the next chapter – I think you'll enjoy it too. Thanks for reading._


	12. Three Rules

11. Three Rules

_Alrighty – sorry it's taken me so long to update. I'm living somewhere very remote at the moment, and finding the internet has been a major issue. However, here's another chapter. It's going to be an important one, although you're not going to see why for a while. Hopefully I'm keeping your interest – they'll be plenty of action to come rest assured. Thanks to all of you that have favourited this story and put me on alert. I'm glad to think someone is reading this, as I was having serious doubts as to whether to continue for a while. Thanks for reading._

It's the same damn things you're so quick to believe

You do it over and over again

And it's the same mistakes that I'm watching you make

You do it over and over again

So before they bring you down

You've got to stand for something or you'll fall for anything

_Fall For Anything - The Script_

"Take care, young ladies, and value your wine; Be watchful of young men in their velvet prime; Deeply they'll swallow from your finest kegs; Then swiftly be gone; Leaving bitter dregs; Ah, ah, bitter dregs. With smiling words and tender touch; Man offers little and asks for so much; He loves in the breathless excitement of night; Then leaves with your treasure in cold morning light; Ah, ah... in cold morning light." – _Maiden Wxvzbvine, also known as Bitter Dregs – recited by Spock - __Plato's Stepchildren TOS_

Stardate: 2265

Jim: Aged 32

Joanna: Aged 16

Jim entered the crowded hall, and took a seat near the back. The performance had already begun – he was late – but there was no helping that. He'd been on shoreleave on Earth when Bones had contacted him and called in the favour. He always had bad timing. As it happened he'd been getting acquainted with a particularly interesting woman who breathed fire (and who knew what else) when the call came in.

"Missing me already, Bones?" He'd been somewhat breathless.

The man had scowled at him. "Don't be an idiot Jim. I always feel a damnsight more healthy the further I am away from you."

"Then what are you wanting?"

"You remember when you used me as bait last month to catch those Klingon pirates, and it all went wrong and I got shot?"

"Of course. How is that wound doing these days? As I recall it was in a particularly problematic place." He just couldn't resist – his CMO hadn't been able to sit down for a week.

The man's face darkened. "Shut up Jim. Chapel healed it fine, you know that. Anyhow, you remember how you said you owed me one for it?"

"Yes...?" He owed Bones all the time. Despite everything he said, the man barely ever cashed it in. He knew _he_ would, were their situations reversed. Then again, if their situations were reversed he wouldn't be stupid enough to trust anything he said.

"Well, its repayment time."

Jim grinned at him. There were only so many requests a simple man like Bones could have. "Are you in the doghouse with Christine again? Do want me to take the blame?"

The man rolled his eyes. "Don't be ridiculous Jim. This has nothing to do with my wife."

"Really? That's a first."

"Go to hell. No, we're on Brinda, and there's an outbreak of Junos shingles. We're in full quarantine."

"And of course, you can't be there and not lend a hand..."

He shrugged. "I took an oath Jim."

"I know. I wasn't criticising." He admired his friend for his convictions really. The problem was they weren't always convenient. "So you need to extend your shoreleave?"

"Yes, there's that. But Jim, it's Joanna's leaver's recital tomorrow night. I promised her I'd be there. I haven't seen her perform since she was thirteen, and you know how excited she is about it." That was true. Her letters had been full of music and rehearsals for the last six weeks at least. He knew what it would do to his friend not to go.

"Don't worry – I'll come and break you out."

The man shook his head. "I wish it was that simple – but there's a good reason for the quarantine Jim. There are a lot of people dying. If it leaves the planet all hell would break loose."

Jim frowned, but didn't doubt it. Their years of friendship had taught him that Leonard McCoy knew what he was talking about when it came to medicine. "Alright. So what do you want to do?"

"I want you to go for me."

Well, he wasn't sure he'd seen that coming. The man usually did everything possible to keep him away from his daughter.

"Bones – I'm no substitute for you." He pointed out.

The man frowned. "Damn it, Jim, I know that. But you're the best I've got."  
>"Thanks. Nice to know I mean so much. Couldn't you get it telelinked to you?"<p>

"Obviously – but you know what the Brindi are like. There's about to be a blanket ban on all communication off planet."

"Really? Who are they trying to blame for their problems this time?"

The man's face darkened. "The Klingons. There's a bird of prey in orbit."

He whistled under his breath. "Bet you're glad you sent the boys to their grandmother now. You sure you don't want me to come get you?"

"Let me get this under control, then you can come and start a war."

"End a war, Bones. I _end_ wars."

He snorted. "That's not what I've seen. So you're going to go?"

"Yes I'll go. What do you want me to tell her?"

"The truth, Jim. Good relationships are built on honesty."

"Is that so?" Clearly the man didn't know how much Joanna kept from him these days.

"Yes." He saw Christine appear in the background, murmuring something, and his face grew worried. "I've got to go, Jim. Some of the patients are going critical. Just... keep out of trouble, and tell her I'm sorry and I'll see her at the Academy next shoreleave."

"Shall do."

"And don't do anything I wouldn't do, Jim." The picture was breaking up, which was good, because if he'd promised _that_, he wouldn't be able to do anything at all. He certainly wouldn't have been able to get to Cerberus in time for the opening number.

So that was how he was now seated among proud parents, students and teaching staff, listening to the opening strains of something that was, frankly, as bad as Tzenkethi music, and attempting to look interested. After three pieces of entirely boring music - played, he was sure, note perfectly by the Vulcan students, he wasn't entirely sure if this was pushing the repayment thing a bit far. He'd rather take a phaser blast than this. At least the pain wasn't prolonged over hours. After twelve pieces on varying instruments, but equally expressionless, he wondered whether Bones was getting him back for years of close calls.

And then everything changed – because Joanna came on. She looked nervous, dressed in a simple black dress and carrying her violin under her arm. He saw several people amongst the audience sit up straighter, and a ripple of murmuring in the crowd of students seated at the sides to watch. He smiled to himself. Joanna had struggled when she had come to this school, but had managed to make the entire staff and student body love her by simply being...well her. Her enthusiastic, funny, sweet self. He knew her playing must be good, because, despite her humility in her letters, her music teachers had attempted to convince her to attend the Federation Conservatory of Music after graduation. Her heart was set on being a nurse of course – it had been since she'd been a small girl – but it just testified to another of her talents. Joanna was so much more than her phenomenal memory.

She tuned her violin with a practiced hand, then put her bow to string and shut her eyes. The result was breathtaking. He was unfamiliar with the piece that she played – he was no musician - but there was something about it that reached out and touched him, and a swift look around told him that he wasn't alone in the feeling. It was one of the most emotional things that he'd ever heard. It began with passion, quick notes with furious bowing, her fingers flying across the board. Then it turned, energy turning to agonising melancholy that raised hairs. He glanced around him again. The Vulcans were fixated on the small girl on the stage – some had eyes shut and bowed heads, while others were watching her with concentration, as if trying to understand the story she was telling with her instrument. Jim recognised the narrative easily as the Vulcans might not. It was the story of a little girl with so much passion for life - who had been all alone. It was a song of yearning, of watching from the window, of seeing something that she didn't have. It was a song of broken dreams. It was how she had been when he'd met her. It was perhaps how she still was, deep down inside. He recognised her song, because it matched his own.

Her bow moved its last stroke, lapsing into silence, and no one moved. Joanna's eyes slowly opened and for a moment she looked surprised, almost like she'd forgotten she was performing. Jim felt like bursting into applause, but knew that it was not the Vulcan way. Instead he was unsurprised when person after person rose to their feet in simple silent acknowledgement – the Vulcan standing ovation. He saw the heat rise in her cheeks, her eyes scanning the audience for her father. He moved to his feet and waited for her to see him. The smile she gave him when their eyes met made the torture of the last hours worthwhile as he felt an answering grin on his own lips. He'd forgotten about that smile of hers. The male population of the galaxy were going to have to watch out in a few years.

The concert broke soon after her performance, the headteacher giving a few solemn words. He finally stood and glanced around. He noticed that a pretty blonde woman was glancing at him discreetly – she had been throughout the performance. One of the teachers or the parents? Surely not all of them were Vulcan after all... He was going to approach her – she looked like someone worth getting to know, but his intention was broken by a familiar call.

"Jim!" He turned to see Joanna making her way over to him, beaming smile on her face. She was shadowed by a tall Vulcan girl that Jim realised must be the friend she'd spoken of in so many letters - Toral or something. Joanna stopped in front of him awkwardly, as if not entirely sure what was appropriate to do anymore. A few years ago she wouldn't have hesitated about hugging him publically, but years around Vulcans had taught her more reserved behaviour if nothing else – or perhaps that was her growing up. He found he rather missed her unreserved affection. He smiled at them in welcome, and couldn't fail to notice that Joanna's friend was analysing him carefully. He wondered what Joanna had told her about him. Nothing too awful, since the girl's eyes weren't hostile. Just intrigued.

"Hi kid."

"Don't call me kid." A secret smile that reached into those dark eyes of hers.

"Alright Sassy." He paused and felt the words he was required to say constrict in his throat. He hated seeing her disappointed. "Your dad couldn't make it – he sends his apologies."

He saw a flash of sadness on her face, but it morphed quickly into concern. "Is he alright? Is Christine with him?"

"They're fine – don't worry. But there's some plague and your dad and Christine couldn't leave. You know your dad... He says he's sorry."

He didn't want to tell her that her father _couldn't_ leave, and might be in danger in not too much time. Hell, he was going to have to break him out, no matter what he said. A Klingon Bird of Prey didn't bode well for him. He was going to have to get his ship.

Joanna seemed to read this in his eyes. She always did. "Do you need to go and help him? Maybe you shouldn't have come. It's only a stupid recital."

He shrugged, and pretended easiness. "Your dad's fine, Joanna. He can look after himself – and if not, we both know Christine can look after the both of them. And as for the recital - did you see how everyone stood for you?" Joanna blushed and shrugged slightly. He raised his eyebrows at her, but decided to tease her about that later. "Now, I assume you're not going to introduce me to your friend." He held out his hand. "I'm Jim Kirk."

The Vulcan girl nodded gravely, exchanging a short look with Joanna, then shook his hand. "I am Toral."

"Nice to meet you, Toral."

"Toral is joining Starfleet too, Jim – she's coming with me in September." Joanna put in.

He recalled her telling him that now. "Well it will be nice to have some more Vulcans in Starfleet. We haven't had many in the last few years." Since the destruction of their home planet most Vulcans and part-Vulcans were dedicated to rebuilding their new world and maintaining their culture.

The girl nodded. "I believe I will learn a great deal."

"What is your planned specialty?"

"Science, captain."

Jim chuckled inwardly. "I see. I believe you will get on very well with my first officer." He could sense an underlying craving in her that he'd seen in Spock – a need to surround herself with emotion, to try and understand it. Perhaps she was half-Human, as Spock was. Perhaps that was why she was such good friends with Joanna.

"I have heard a great deal about Commander Spock." The girl said calmly. Jim attempted not to laugh. He'd known Spock long enough to understand what Vulcans didn't say, in addition to what they did. She, for example, was certainly another one with a Spock crush.

"Yes – I've heard he's acquired quite a following." Joanna shot him an amused look that was entirely lost on the girl.

"Indeed. Japok asked me to remind you that he is waiting, Joanna." Joanna sent the girl a warning frown that interested Jim – that and the unfamiliar name. Who was Japok? Certainly no one Joanna had mentioned before. "Please excuse me, Joanna, Captain Kirk. My parents are waiting."

Joanna gave her a look that promised retribution, although for what he couldn't be sure. "I'll see you later Toral."

"Indeed." The girl raised an eyebrow, then turned and left abruptly.

"So..." Jim gave the small girl before him a look. "Who's Japok?"

Joanna frowned almost guiltily, which intrigued him even more. "No one."

"No one is waiting on you?"

"No... He's a person, obviously..."

"Have you already made plans?" He guessed. A date maybe? She was sixteen after all. "I don't mind."

"No – there's no plans..." She began, but he couldn't help but be distracted as the blonde woman he'd seen earlier walked towards them. He saw Joanna roll her eyes, but ignored it.

"Joanna, that was excellent, really excellent." The woman was Human and soft-spoken, with a musical voice. So she knew Joanna? Even better.

"That's what I told her." Jim said with his most charming smile. She would like chivalry. "Jim Kirk. I'm a family friend." He held his hand out politely, and the woman took it. She had a nice hand – lovely long fingers. He saw the look on Joanna's face darken, but she said nothing.

"I'm Anna-Maria Vamos - Joanna's music teacher. I've heard of you, of course." She was blushing prettily. The flush looked good on her pale skin.

"Is that so? Well, I should warn you not to believe everything you hear." The woman giggled and Joanna sent him a revolted look. "Tell me, Miss Vamos, do you have plans now?"

The woman's face fell instantly, and Jim knew he had her hook, line and sinker. Well that had been easy. "I am afraid so."

"Of course you do – a woman as lovely as you must have all sorts of invites. I apologise."

"No – that is I just have to see the headmaster. I'll be free in a few hours."

"Well, I'll be here all night." It hadn't been in his plans, but a few extra hours wouldn't hurt Bones, and this looked like it could be interesting.

"That's lovely." The woman looked suddenly enthused. "You're welcome to come around for a drink. I'm staying at the school."

"A drink would be nice."

The woman giggled and glanced down at Joanna as if she'd suddenly remembered her presence. "Your friend is very charming Joanna."

The girl didn't smile, her eyes fixed on the moving people around them. "Yes. He is." Her voice was warningly bland.

The teacher's eyes were already back on his. "Well, I'll see you later."

"Until then." Jim gave her a smile and the woman left, glancing back occasionally. Well, that sorted that out.

Joanna was still expressionless. She didn't look at him. Sometimes she really reminded him of Bones. "Finished?"

"Don't be like that, Joanna. I need somewhere to sleep tonight."

She shook her head at him, eyes suddenly angry. "You're disgusting. You're using her."

"Not at all. She'll use me right back. That's how this works."

The girl looked appalled. He felt surprised. She was sixteen. She'd seen plenty since he'd met her. He'd thought she understood how things really worked between men and women.

He decided to change the subject. "Come on. Are you hungry?"

"I was until ten seconds ago."

He chuckled. He'd missed her. "Do I need to sneak you out of here?" He remembered her mentioning strict rules.

She rolled her eyes, but her anger had clearly left as soon as it had come. "More like me sneaking you out – I don't attract attention like you do."

He wondered about that – because from what he'd seen tonight she seemed to be attracting attention of one sort or another. And then he realised something else. "I don't know – that boy over there has been watching you for the last minute at least." He was Vulcan, of medium build and slim like the majority of his race. Joanna's face went suspiciously blank again.

"Come on." She'd started to leave before he had a chance to inquire further. It was probably a bad move on her part. It made him more determined than ever to find out who he was. He had a gut-feeling that this was the aforementioned Japok.

Joanna led him into the city. It was built mostly of sandstone, and was almost entirely alleyways, creating a maze around rickety three and four story buildings. She walked through surefooted and greeted the cafe owner like an old friend. Clearly she'd been sneaking out of the school for a long time. Given her past exploits, he wasn't surprised about that really.

They ordered and sat at a small table in the corner of the busy shop. The room was lit by red orbs which cast a strange light on the place. There was barely a table free, customers speaking a variety of languages in loud to hushed voices. There was an unusual combination of families, lovers and businesspeople. Clearly this place was good and Jim had learnt long ago always to eat where the locals ate.

"It must be interesting to watch people here." He commented to her. Years ago he'd taught her a game – 'watching people' – to kill the time while her father had been operating. For each person that walked past, Jim had challenged her to tell him where they were going, what they worked as, and their relationship status. It was a game that he'd played as a child, killing the time when he'd bunked school but couldn't go home – and he was good at it. Joanna, drawing on that inherited intuition, was even better. She could interpret things that he couldn't – how a woman with a dirty dress was a childminder, how that man with the bags under his eyes chewing on a stylus was an architect. He still beat her at determining relationship status though. She still had a lot to learn in that area.

Joanna nodded. "It's always entertaining." He could tell she was still preoccupied. Her fingers were tracing the condensation down her glass, a small frown on her face and dark depths in her eyes. She apparently didn't notice the silence that was growing between them.

"So what's up, Sassy?" He broke it before it grew too tense.

"Up?" She gave him a guarded look, and he smiled at her reassuringly.

"Something seems to be bothering you. Has this got something to do with this Japok your friend mentioned?"

She frowned at him. "Why would you think that?"

"Because you all but ran out of the school when you noticed the boy was watching you." She remained silent, her frown deepening, and he knew he was right. He chuckled internally. Did this boy have a crush on her? Joanna had always been rather sheltered when it came to that sort of thing. "You know you can tell me anything, Joanna. We're friends, right?"

She seemed to consider this, and he drank his drink in an attempt not to seem overly interested though the mystery was gnawing at him.

The she suddenly looked him straight in the eye, clearly reaching her decision. "How do you know when you're ready for sex, Jim?"

He choked on his drink.

She looked down at the table quickly, cheeks red, his response clearly embarrassing her. He felt a wave of self-reproach. He hadn't seen that coming, but was usually difficult to shock, and Joanna was always blunt. But damn – that question? How was he supposed to even begin to answer that?

"Sorry, Sassy. Went down the wrong hole." He justified his reaction. "But you know-."

"I know what you're going to say, Jim. You're going to say I should speak to dad about this. You know I can't – you know what he'd say. And Christine would just tell dad about anything we'd spoken about. And I can hardly ask mom." That was true. "You're the only one who'll give me a real answer."

He whistled under his breath, feeling extremely out of depth. "That may be so, but Joanna just..." He trailed off. Just what? Talk to no one about it and fall into bed with the first boy she met? She gave him a pleading look with those big brown eyes, and he felt his reservations leave. He reminded himself that he was a Starfleet captain. He'd given advice on more serious things that this after all. How hard could it be? "Maybe you should tell me what prompted the question."

She looked nervous. "Well, I've been seeing Japok for a while..."

"You have a boyfriend?" His surprise broke through again. Why hadn't she told him? And there was he thinking she was sheltered.

"I guess. It's only been serious for the last month or so..." She trailed off, looking awkward.

"Right." He managed to keep his face impassive. "So you've got a boyfriend – and now you're considering taking things to the next level?"

"I... Well he's asked me to be there when he goes through his first Pon Farr."

"Ah." And suddenly everything made sense. No wonder the boy needed an answer – he'd have to find someone else if she said no – or get practicing his meditation. The wash of emotions that would surge through the boy during his first Pon Farr would be overwhelming for a person usually in control. But was he pressuring Joanna? Was Pon Farr just an excuse? Vulcans, at the end of the day, weren't so different from Human teenage boys. He felt a wave of worry for the small girl.

"It's just that... well I'm not sure how I feel." She told him honestly. "But it's only sex, isn't it Jim? It doesn't have to mean anything?"

He felt out of his depth again, and he struggled for an answer. "Joanna, sex is rarely just sex. It usually means _something_." He knew that better than most – although it had taken him several years to realise that what it meant to him was very different from what it meant to his companion.

She gave him a confused look. "But you always sleep with anyone."

He felt indignant, and tried to ignore the fact he felt slightly hurt she'd think that. "I don't just sleep with anyone, Joanna. There are rules."

"Rules?" She gave him a sceptical look.

"Sure. I have rules. We all have to stand for something. Or do you think that I act on every impulse without thinking." The look on her face told him that she'd thought exactly that. That stung too – although she was hardly the first person to think it.

They were interrupted when food was placed on the table. Jim was relieved. However, Joanna clearly wasn't willing to let the matter drop – not when he hadn't really given her an answer.

"So what are your rules?" She asked him mildly. She seemed more intrigued than anything, and he shrugged nonchalantly.

"There are three." He held up a finger. "Number one – never do anything against a woman's will."

Joanna snorted. "So you don't rape anyone. Well that's good to hear."

"Anything means anything Joanna – I won't kiss a woman against her will either."

"That's not true – there's been plenty of women that have said no to you and you've kissed anyway. Dad told me."

"Yes, but they wanted me to kiss them really – they were just too stubborn to say so." They certainly hadn't protested when he had.

Joanna rolled her eyes. "So what you're saying is you don't do anything against _your_ perceptions of a woman's will? You've got a warped idea of chivalry." She shook her head at him. "This is interesting. What is number two?"

"Two – when you walk out always leave a woman feeling good about herself."

"How the hell do you manage that?" Joanna looked sceptical again.

"Well, it's easier if they're not awake when you're leaving."

She stared at him. "Wait – so you just sleep with them and then leave before they wake up?" She made it sound a lot worse than it was. After all, most of the women knew exactly what they were getting into. This way he avoided that awkwardness in the morning when neither of them what to say, and no promises needed to be made or broken. He shrugged and she shook her head at him. "That's sick, Jim."

"I leave a note." He felt like he was justifying himself.

"Saying what?"

"Whatever they need to hear." He grinned at her, trying to lighten the mood. "Usually 'I've never felt like this before', or 'when the wind blows, I'll always think of you and our time together.'"

Joanna still looked wide-eyed. "You're not serious. I don't believe that women actually fall for that."

"They do in my experience."

"How would you know – you've left?"

"Well, I've met up with a few again later. The universe isn't that big a place you know. Certainly they held no grudge in the end." Most of them wanted a repeat performance.

She shook her head. "Alright, fine. And number three?"

"Make sure a woman can give freely."

She gave him a quizzical look, her eyes dark. "Meaning?"

"Meaning I don't sleep with women who are intoxicated, who've been possessed by alien life-forms, who are psychologically unstable, or who won't remember in the morning. And I won't take a woman's virginity."

"Why?"

"Because if they've never done it before, how can they give it freely?"

"Wait – so you've never taken a girl's virginity? Not ever?"

"Not ever." He agreed, and felt relieved that he could say that.

"But... Just because she's never done it before doesn't mean that she doesn't know what's involved. What if she's willing?"

He shrugged, and tried to help her understand the point he'd wanted all along. "Joanna, sex is different for everyone, and you can't really know until you've done it how it will be. It can be uncomfortable for women the first time. You want to be with a partner that really cares about you – that's patient and is willing to take their time so that you can learn together what you like and don't like."

Joanna looked thoughtful, and he felt relieved. Then she looked up at him again. "Was that what it was like for you?"

He swallowed. Hell – was she actually asking how he lost his virginity? The look she was giving him told him that it was. "No it wasn't."

"Oh." He was relieved she didn't ask for any details. He wasn't sure he could have given her them – he'd been trying to forget that night.

"So you think it's a bad idea then – for me and Toral?"

He wanted to say yes. Spock had spoken of Pon Farr occasionally - how Vulcans could lose themselves enough to do terrible things during the process – violence, and rape. But that wasn't fair to her. She must know what Pon Farr involved. She needed to decide for herself. So he shrugged. "It doesn't matter what I think. It matters what you think. If he cares for you, and you care for him, and you can see this relationship lasting a while – well... it's up to you. But remember it'll be his Pon Farr – and he won't be quite the same person he is now."

She nodded slowly. "I suppose, if we were... that is if we did, it would be better if it was before Pon Farr... So I knew what to expect."

"I suppose so." He agreed. Hell, he couldn't believe he was giving this sort of advice to her. If Bones ever found out he'd murder him.

She looked thoughtful again, and he had to bite his tongue to prevent himself saying anything else. She was so young, far too young to be worrying about this – and yet she was the same age he'd been. He'd had no one to have this conversation with. He'd made mistakes – he'd thought it wouldn't matter. He couldn't watch her make the same ones.

"Joanna, just remember that losing your virginity is a big deal. Once you have, you can't get it back. Don't let anyone pressure you into anything. If you're having any doubts, it's better not to do it."

"I know." She said solemnly, then gave him a reassuring grin. "Don't worry Jim, I'm not going to rush into anything."

He felt better. "Good. Because I'd hate to have to come and start a fight after working so hard on improving relations between our peoples."

She laughed. "You sound like dad now. And I could beat him up myself."

"True."

The finally got around to eating, and sat in companionable silence. He watched Joanna develop a look on her face again that he'd come to fear and love.

"Jim?" Here came the probing questions.  
>"Yes?"<p>

"How come you don't let anyone love you?" He shrank under the direct look she was giving him.

He attempted to laugh the question off. "What? I do – of course I do. That's how I'm rarely alone."

She shook her head at him. "That's not love. Besides, you've just told me your rules. You leave before things get emotional so you don't have to face a woman after. You won't take a girl's virginity because that requires a serious relationship. You want a woman to feel good about herself, but you won't stay long enough to let her do the same for you. Why?"

He shrugged. "I don't do relationships, Joanna."

"But why Jim? What would be so bad about being in a relationship? What would be so wrong with letting a girl know the real you, rather than that annoying act you put on every time? Don't you get lonely? Don't you want anyone to care?" He felt like sighing. She was still so young. She couldn't understand yet what relationships did to people. He was happy as he was – why change that? Besides, few women would accept a man whose first priority and love was his work.

"I have my ship..." He started.

She rolled her eyes. "That's not the same thing and you know it. It's a one way relationship – the same as all the ones you have now. Dad says that real relationships have to be equal. Why are you scared of someone caring for you?"

He frowned at her. "I'm not scared, Joanna." Was he? No, of course not. He was a Starfleet captain. He wasn't scared of much. "It's just the way I am. Besides, why limit yourself to one person? It seems stupid – it takes all the adventure from life. You'll understand when you're older, kid."

"Don't call me kid."

"Alright Sassy." He smiled at her, but she didn't return it. She was still looking perplexed and he found he didn't want to talk about it anymore. "Joanna, I am how I am, just like you are what you are. Can't you like me for what I am?"

She gave him a surprised look. "I'll always like you for what you are Jim. But sometimes I look at you, and think that you're only part of what you could be."

It was a strange thing to say, and he wasn't sure what she meant by it. She was sounding more and more Vulcan every day.

"If you say so Sassy."

She smiled affectionately. "I do."

They ate and chatted about her plans for the Academy in the autumn after that. He told her a few funny stories about his first weeks there that made them both laugh. She told him her own stories of rule breaking – and how she'd managed to talk her way out of almost every situation. Her similarities to him were amusing. Jim noticed the brooding figure at the shop window before she did and felt like sighing. But then he reminded himself that this was how it was supposed to be. Joanna should be spending her evening with boys of her own age, not with a man double her age. The differences between them suddenly seemed even larger.

"I believe your boyfriend has managed to track you down." He said dryly as she paused for breath.

She glanced around and then blushed. "I suppose he has. It's okay though – I can tell him to wait. I'd rather be with you."

If only that was true. "It's fine Sassy. You have plenty to talk about with him. Off you go. I need to track down that lovely teacher of yours."

She rolled her eyes. "Of course you do."

"Besides, you'll see me at the Academy – we're due for shoreleave on Earth in a few months."

"Really?" She grinned at him. "That's great! You can show me all the best places on campus."

He chuckled. "You might disagree with my idea of best."

"Maybe, maybe not." She stood up and straightened her dress. "Do I look alright?"

He glanced her over, and realised suddenly that she'd changed – that she'd grown into those large eyes, that her face looked delicate rather than just thin, that she'd developed a decent chest on her slight body. "You look fine." He said calmly as he felt something akin to shock inside. Why? Was he expecting her to never grow up?

"Okay then. I'll see you in a few months?"

"That's the plan."

She moved to leave, then impulsively turned and bent down to hug him tightly. He hugged her back automatically, running a hand down her hair.

"I'm glad you came, Jim." She told him into his neck. "I'm glad Dad sent you."

He let her go and smiled. "I am too. Be good, alright?"

She grinned. "Of course. You be good too." They watched one another for a moment, although for what he couldn't be sure. "Well bye." The girl finally said, and moved to greet the solemn boy outside. Jim watched them for a moment – how she stood on tiptoes to kiss him on the cheek, an action that the boy didn't seem to approve of but took patiently. Then she took his arm, which the boy didn't seem to like either. He seemed... wrong for her. Joanna was naturally affectionate – and this boy wasn't. It wasn't just that either – it was the way he looked at her. He recognised condescension when he saw it. But then what did he know about it? Uhura and Spock managed fine, and Uhura was passionate like Joanna was. Nevertheless, instinctively he knew that this boy was not like Spock. He attempted to ignore another wave of worry, but sat at the table for a long time after the pair had disappeared into the night.

_A/N – The song for the next chapter will be What if I told you, by Jason Walker. Thanks for reading._


	13. Plans

12. Plans

_A/N I'm not entirely sure I'm happy with this chapter, but we shall see. Thanks to all of you that have put me on alert etc – I hope I can live up to your expectations. This is certainly different from anything I've written before! I'm also acutely aware that we've yet to see Jim in the way we know and love him. Please be patient – later there will be plenty of Captain James T Kirk. I'm sure this story seems rather morose and dark as well. Again, be patient. This won't be a fluffy story as they go, but the second part of this story will be a lot different from this one (I hope!). As always, thank you for reading._

What if I told you who I really was?

What if I let you in on my charade?

What if I told you what was really going on -

No more masks and no more parts to play?

There's so much I want to say

But I'm so scared to give away

Every little secret that I hide behind

Would you see me differently?

And would that be such a bad thing?

I wonder what it would be like

If I told you

_What If I Told You – Jason Walker_

"It is not a lie to keep the truth to oneself." _– Spock, The Enterprise Incident, TOS_

Stardate: 2269

Jim: Aged 36

Joanna: Aged 20

Joanna woke up quickly. It was not uncommon for her to go from deep, dreamless sleep, to alert in a few seconds – she'd done it since childhood – although these days she often couldn't distinguish what was nightmare and what was real life. It took her a moment to remember the events of the previous night, and reassure herself that they had indeed happened. It hadn't been some strange dream. Jim had spent the night with her. She listened closely with eyes still closed and felt somewhat relieved to hear no sounds of breathing next to her. He was already up. No surprises there – but she was glad of it. There would be no awkwardness this morning at least. She couldn't imagine what it would be like waking next to him – but if last night was any indication, it probably would be uncomfortable. The cliché of waking in his arms was not for her. She was far past girlish fantasies. She might have slept beside him, but she had made sure she hadn't found her way into his arms.

Today, unlike days before, she allowed herself to lie still and enjoy the comfort of her bed. It had been a long time since she'd felt this warm. She'd missed it – and that feeling of safety being here gave her. It made the knowledge she'd gleaned last night somewhat more palpable. She'd hacked the microPADD she'd taken off the woman she'd shot on Adigeon Prime. She hadn't liked what she'd found – not one bit. It had brought up more questions – questions she needed answers to. Answers, she had a feeling were going to be equally unpalatable.

She sighed to herself and rolled over. How had she got into this mess? She was a good agent – Jim had been correct last night, though it galled her to think it. She'd never wanted this life – her heart would always lie on the Enterprise with Jim. But once she'd been recruited even she couldn't fail to see that she was special. Her childhood had given her the edge that others lacked. Part of it was because she was already familiar with Starfleet Intelligence – she'd never trusted them, and she never would. Unlike the other cadets she never expected any aid her when she got into trouble, or backup if things became messy. That's why she succeeded when her colleagues failed. However she would never have been given this mission if she hadn't been Admiral Chapman's protégé – a title that both amused and annoyed her. He'd recommended her for the post, despite the misgivings of most of the other senior board – and herself – over her youth and inexperience. She'd shocked them all by achieving more than they'd thought possible. When another agent had been killed, she'd stepped into his shoes, and what had begun as a relatively straightforward intelligence mission evolved into the infiltrative operation she carried out now. She'd become Antonia with disturbing ease, drawing on the darkness she knew was within her. However right now, she reassured herself, she was Joanna. Antonia would have never invited Jim into her bed. That was all Joanna. Only Joanna would have been that weak.

She realised she was frowning with her eyes shut and opened them, blinking in the sunlight. The room almost glowed in the unrestrained yellow of day. She would not even contemplate the use of curtains when she'd brought this place. She liked waking to the light here – and with her security precautions she could do so without fear. Jim probably wouldn't like it though – he was used to the darkness of space. He would be missing his ship. She wondered if he regretted following her here. Probably. He'd been keeping away from her for the last two years after all. There was a side to him last night that she hadn't recognised too. He had been unsure of himself when she'd invited him into her bed. She'd never seen Jim like that before – he was always so confident, so sure. He'd enjoyed unsettling her in the past – she'd always been the hesitant one. But now something had changed between them. She wasn't sure what to think about that. The vindictive part of her liked it.

But these thoughts were getting her nowhere. She didn't have the time to daydream when there was work to be done. She got out of bed, stretched, feeling the tug on her newly healed shoulder, and got under the shower. She allowed the water to soothe her tension. Today was probably not going to be a good day. She might as well face the facts - Jim would leave her by the end of it. She would be sleeping alone again tonight, and he would be on a ship bound for Earth. It was inevitable. She tried to ignore the feeling of sadness, and the prickling feeling at the back of her eyes that might have become tears in anyone else. She'd only just got him back. She couldn't deny she'd missed him - that grin that made her treacherous heart speed up, and the way he always knew how to make things seem better. But it was necessary.

She towelled herself off and dressed carefully, attempting to reassure herself that it wasn't because Jim was there. She was a mature adult, and the only thing that influenced her clothes was her job. She descended the stairs silently and heard voices from the kitchen.

"...too young for this sort of pressure." Jim was saying. She felt a wave of hurt, and quickly replaced it with anger. Clearly they were discussing her. As if Jim had the right – did he really think he could somehow waltz back into her life and then criticise everything that had occurred when he'd been keeping away?

Their conversation broke off when she entered the kitchen. She felt Jim's eyes on her – and the way they flickered onto the necklace around her neck. She felt her pulse speed up – though mostly in annoyance. How had he known she'd still be wearing after all this time?_ She_ didn't even know why she was still wearing it. That worried her. He knew her too well, even now. She said nothing, but went to fix herself a cup of orange juice. Her grandmother always said it was healthy to drink something that was such a happy colour. Right now she needed all the help she could get.

"I thought you weren't going to get up." Jim said lightly, giving no indication of his previous conversation as Hy'Lar moved to her side and began to fix her a plate of pancakes she would never eat.

She shrugged, and turned to him once she was sure her face wouldn't show him how much he unsettled her. "It's still early."

"That's a matter of perspective. On this planet it's not early at all." He gave her a disapproving look. She wondered where he got all his energy from. Did he never act his age? Right now she'd happily go back to bed and sleep the rest of the day.

"It's early enough for what I want to do."

"Which is?" His face was bland, but she saw the interest in his eyes.

"Eat breakfast."

"It's more like brunch now." He pointed out, but she didn't miss the flash of irritation. Clearly he still thought she was going to tell him all her plans. Well she couldn't. She couldn't trust him with that – they were her burden. She was fairly sure he'd keep his mouth shut – Jim had been tortured and kept Starfleet secrets intact, she knew that – it was what he'd do if he found out that concerned her. She needed her secrets and mask intact.

"Depends on what planet you're on." She told him, and sat down at the table with her juice. Hy'Lar put the plate in front of her, and she wondered if she could actually stomach something so solid. She loved homemade food, but her appetite seemed to be lost even to that it would seem. Hell, she needed this assignment to be over so that she could actually start living like a normal person again. She was sick of all the worried looks that Hy'Lar gave her.

The Mazarite was special – she'd known it the moment she'd met him. He had been a good man in bad circumstances, and when she'd given him the option of a way out he'd taken it. He was absolutely dedicated to her, and she trusted him more than anyone else because he had nothing to gain by telling her secrets, and everything to lose. He also seemed to genuinely care about her, and she found that she needed someone to know what she was really doing and still actually give a damn about her. He was probably her only honest relationship these days. But he was more than just a friend – Hy'Lar was talented at gathering information, didn't ask questions, and had taught her how to stay alive around the scum that she now associated with. He also could cook extremely well. He was a very useful person to have around.

Jim was still watching her and she made an effort to eat. Hy'Lar was moving fluidly around the room, finding things to occupy himself, but the captain just stood there. She looked up and met those blue eyes, and felt a wave of irritation die in their presence. Damn – she was going to have to build up a resistance to him. She needed her anger to keep functioning.

"Don't watch me, Jim. It's putting me off my food." She attempted to sound annoyed.

He gave her a sceptical look, clearly reading through her emotions, and came to sit beside her. "Have you got plans today?" She nodded slowly and anticipated his next question. "Are you going to go alone?"

She felt amused. "Are you going to let me?" She knew Jim would never be happy to just sit back and let her get on with it. He'd never sat still in his life. He would want to be involved somehow. She'd planned for that.

To her surprise, he shrugged. "It's not my call."

"No, it's not." She agreed. "But you'd follow me if I told you to stay, wouldn't you?"

He flashed her a grin. "Yes. Discreetly, of course."

She smiled. "You've never been discreet in your life."

He gave her a knowing look. "I'd beg to differ."

She knew he was referring to his numerous affairs, and snorted. "I recall the number of times my dad has had to patch you up after you attempts at being discreet failed."

"For every failure there were several successes."

"So you say." She smiled, and realised that she'd missed the bickering. No one argued with her quite the same way he did – with patience but complete security that he was correct. It was both frustrating and entertaining. "Well, I hope you brought some decent boots – we're going for a hike."

Jim smiled as if she'd challenged him. "A hike sounds good." There was that sparkle in his eyes that always made him look like a small boy. Sometimes she had a hard time remembering he was years older than her. Sometimes, when he looked like that, she had a hard time remembering many things at all.

"I'm going to get ready." She needed to clear her head of him. She wasn't an infatuated little girl any more.

"You haven't eaten anything." Jim pointed out as she excused herself from the table. She ignored the comment and moved back upstairs. She could hear Hy'Lar's smooth footsteps on her tail. Clearly he had something to say and he would make sure that she heard it. She could guess what it would be.

She sat down heavily on the unmade bed, and waited for it. Hy'Lar leant against the wall and regarded her critically.

"I am concerned."

"I know."

"What you are doing is unwise."

She laughed softly. "Most of what I do is unwise."

"This in particular."

"'This' being my friend?"

"Yes."

"I didn't have a whole lot of choice when I brought him here, Hy'Lar."

"Perhaps not, but you do now."

She sighed and shut her eyes. "What would you have me do?"

"Lose him. His presence is a liability."

She felt herself bristle hearing it from his mouth, despite the fact she had come to the same conclusion only minutes ago. "So is everyone close to me, you included."

"You are not romantically interested in me."

"And I am in him?" She saw his face and wished she hadn't asked that. Empathy – the ability to sense emotions and intense thoughts - wasn't a common ability among the Mazarites, but Hy'Lar's talent was strong. "I'm being careful." She attempted to reassure him.

"Not careful enough. I fear for your heart."

"I know." She suddenly wanted to ask what he sensed from Jim – had he missed her? Did he regret being here? Did he know why he'd abandoned her? However she was sure that he wouldn't tell her. Hylar had interesting ethics when it came to using his abilities. She instead told him the answer he wanted to hear. "I'll lose him." The man nodded in quiet satisfaction. "In the meantime I need you to trace something for me." She handed him the prepared PADD. "What do you know of Trasta International?"

The man frowned slightly. "I believe they are trading a private security firm but are undoubtedly deeply embedded in the criminal underworld. In my time they were particularly favoured by arms dealers and slavers due to their widespread connections across the Alpha Quadrant. It is rumoured they have workers on every populated planet, although I am sure this is false. However, I have never heard them turn down a job when good money is involved, no matter how distasteful."

She forced herself to ask. "Distasteful being...?"

"Executions of children, genocide, torture of every variety, smear campaigns, manipulation of evidence."

She whistled under her breath. "Why is the Federation allowing them to continue? Is there no evidence?"

"No. They are adept at covering their tracks."

"Clearly, if they get away with all that. Well, it would seem that someone has taken out a contract on me. Dead or alive, apparently."

"You require me to find the employer?"

She nodded. "I don't think it's the Syndicate itself – they have their own security. But there are plenty of other people after Antonia that may want the big guns involved." She didn't tell him her fear – that they might not be after Antonia at all.

"Very well – I will inquire. Your handler?"

"He's sending me information about the Human."

"I see. It will not be enough – the Human and Ferengi will only be the heads of the regional chapter of the Syndicate."

"I know. It's not them I'm interested in, but the information wouldn't hurt. That Human is going to be difficult. I'll get more useful information the normal way."

He knew what that meant and eyed her carefully. "Be careful."

"I will."

Hy'Lar was still watching her, and she allowed him to see at least some of her emotions. He nodded, satisfied.

"Your friend is outside."

She rolled her eyes, unsurprised. "I assume not for long." Preferably not during the part where she agreed to get rid of him.

"No."

"You can come in Jim." She called loudly.

The door opened. Jim grinned at her, and didn't look the least bit remorseful at getting caught eavesdropping. Hy'Lar gave him a dark look and exited promptly.

She shook her head at him. "That's rude, you know?"

"Apparently not on this planet – I checked the database - so I'm in luck."

She couldn't help but smile at him. Only he would check something like that. "You're always in luck."

"That's why I'm still around."

He pulled off his shirt to change, completely at ease, and she worked hard to keep her face blank. Even into his thirties Jim was a very fit man. His body had changed little from that first day she'd met him – although his collection of scars had grown, testament to the life he led. That crescent over his left breast still made her want to reach out and trace it – although that wasn't the only part of him she wanted to touch these days. She realised she was staring and mentally shook herself. Hell, she'd been without Human contact for far too long.

Thankfully he covered himself up and she regained her composure before she did something unwise. What exactly that might be, she had no idea. She was hardly one of the countless females that swooned whenever he walked past, or begged him to kiss her (though admittedly the thought had crossed her mind as a teenager). But she was inexorably drawn to him, as she had been since childhood. The fact she couldn't entirely predict her – or his - actions scared her. Hy'Lar was right – it was safer if he was gone. Something in the back of her mind whined in protest and she ignored it and pulled on her shoes.

"Out of interest, are we hiking around here? I just want to know whether to prepare for inevitable heat exhaustion." Jim sat down on the bed next to her and tied his shoes.

"No." She gave him a smile. "I don't want to kill you."

He chuckled. "Well I'll sleep better tonight knowing that."

She raised an eyebrow. "Maybe you shouldn't make a habit of sleeping next to people you think might want you dead."

"Why? I like to keep my enemies close."

An irrational thought suddenly sobered her, and she spoke without thinking. "It explains why you slept next to me."

He looked surprised, but didn't move from his seat on the bed next to her. "I shared your bed because I didn't want to sleep alone, as you pointed out last night. I believe you had similar reasons?"

She nodded, feeling stupid and childlike again. "I suppose we're not exactly enemies." She said softly. Not exactly friends either, but certainly not enemies.

"No. We'll never be enemies." The mood had sobered between them, and neither made eye contact. "Come on then, Sassy. You can tell me where we're hiking to on the way."

She followed him from the room. "I'd prefer to leave the destination a surprise."

"I hate surprises."

"You love surprises. There's nothing you enjoy more than unpredictable behaviour and the unknown. That's why you love your job."

"I thought I loved my job because it came with a big ship."

She smiled at him. "That too."

"What are you worried about then? Who am I possibly going to tell our destination to? Are their some sort of sand dwelling people indigenous to this planets that I haven't heard about?"

She didn't tell him that she was more worried about what he'd do when he realised their destinations were not going to be the same. "Maybe there are. You'd best keep your eyes open."

She somehow managed to trip over a loose rock on the veranda at precisely that moment, and was saved from falling flat on her face by his hands on her waist. He straightened her in the same way he would do a child, and smiled that smile that gave palpitations to women all over the galaxy.

"I always keep my eyes open."

She didn't have much sensible to say to that, so scowled at him and shrugged off his arm. She let down the forcefield and felt Hy'Lar's eyes on her back. Her emotions were undoubtedly obvious to him. That was embarrassing. She waved at him briefly as she mounted her bike. He raised his hand in reply, and disappeared from view as the forcefield reactivated. It signalled the return of the burden and doubts that she carried. Out here there was no cloaking device to keep her hidden and safe. Out here she was both hunted and hunter.

"Joanna?" Jim's voice broke her thoughts and she realised she'd been sitting motionless for a few seconds. She started her engine and cleared her head. No more time for aberrant thoughts.

"It's Antonia, out here."

"Right." His voice was as colourless as hers, and she immediately regretted her sharpness. But it was too late for regrets.

"Follow me."

They would only be driving part of the way. Joanna had learnt long ago how to avoid being tracked, and it usually involved several changes of vehicles, and a good hike in between. She'd thought it was somewhat excessive at first, but it had saved her life now several times. She led Jim through the maze of stone columns she'd committed to memory when she'd brought her home. The drive then took them south, out of the desert and into a cooler, more temperate climate. The area was more populated here, which was why she'd stayed well away, but she preferred it, although she found the stone columns and endless desert endearing these days. A few hours later – as the sun was well up in the sky, they finally stopped at a large lake.

Jim whistled under his breath as they stopped on the shore and looked out across the water. "Now there's a sight." The light was reflecting off the water, a light wind gently moving the waves and the surrounding trees. This place always reminded her of a camping trip from long ago. The feeling of nostalgia was painful these days and wasn't helping her mood.

"Come on." She began to remove her heavier clothes and stuff them in her backpack.

Jim grinned. "We're swimming?"

She rolled her eyes. "Obviously. Give me your phaser so I can keep it dry."

He passed it to her, then, in an afterthought, his shoes. "Nothing worse than walking in wet shoes. We made that mistake on an away mission once – your dad complained for two days solidly."

"I'm not my dad." She commented without meeting his eyes. She regretted saying it immediately. It was a more serious point than she'd not wanted to bring up – that secret frustration she'd harboured for years. Part of her had always envied the close relationship of Jim and her father, but she hated that he always compared her to him. It was if when he looked at her he always only saw her father first, and her second. Like she was nothing to him except his friend's daughter. But she'd never said that to him – and never would. That was the least of her worries right now. "And my boots are waterproof."

"Glad to hear it." Jim's voice was light but she felt his eyes on her. She kept her face impassive. "So were Spock's as I recall."

She didn't bother replying to that. Instead she strode out into the water, feeling the coolness seep through her clothing to calm her. She took several short strokes, balancing her backpack, and then began to swim in earnest. The quiet splashing beside her was all that told her that Jim was following.

She'd always liked to swim. Not obsessively, and not in the same way she liked to ride, but there was something about being weightless that she enjoyed. It reminded her of space. She'd swum the lake in the middle of the night before, and the darkness had only added to this. However, right now she was distracted by the man she was doing her best to pretending she was ignoring. He was swimming fluidly next to her, keeping up with her easily. He didn't seem perturbed in the slightest that they were swimming a lake with no idea where he was going. He trusted her, she realised. But then, she had given him no reason not to. A year ago, when she was still full of hurt and anger at him, she would have not been able to maintain the indifferent front she kept now. She certainly wouldn't have shared a bed with him last night. She would have raged at him until her voice was hoarse, and hurt him in all those ways she'd imagined when she was alone and hurting herself, when anger was the only thing she had to keep her going. But the anger had ebbed into painful resignation. She'd finally come to the truth of the matter – the only reason why Jim stay away from her for all this time. She'd grown up. She'd become just another woman to him. Despite their past. Despite all they had done together. And like every other woman that he knew, he just didn't care enough to pretend to be her friend. And she needed to remember that. Oh, there was that little thread of hope, winding its way around her brain as soon as he had appeared, but she wouldn't let it infiltrate. When she detached herself from him he might be annoyed, but he wouldn't care, not really. Not in any way that mattered.

They'd swam into the centre of the lake when she stopped, treading water neatly. He stopped a metre from her, and wiped the water from his face.

"Fancy a dive?" He offered before she could speak. She scowled at him. How had he known? He grinned, clearly amused by her irritation. "No one in their right mind would swim this lake for the sake of it, and I've noticed there are some interesting caves on the lake floor." He looked self-satisfied. Damn him and his intellect. She should have known he wouldn't follow blindly.

"Good for you." She belatedly realised he looked good wet, and his smile was doing uncomfortable things to her emotions. Good grief. "Take a deep breath. Follow close."

His smile faltered on his face for a moment. "Joanna-." She didn't want to hear it. Her head was under water before he could finish.

The dive was the worst part of this journey. The first time she'd done it she hadn't been blind like she was now – she'd known the depth, the position, and had suitable gear. She'd also nearly died when she'd cut herself, bled out and attracted some unwanted attention from an unfriendly lake creature. Sometimes being alone scared her. No one had known where she was or what she was doing. At the bottom of the lake she would never have been found, and would have died alone. She hadn't slept for days after that. She thought she'd get used to it – but each one of her near misses added to that awful sickness she had. She wasn't afraid of being dead. Sometimes she even wanted it to be over. But she was scared of dying alone – of no one knowing where she was. Her father would look for her. He'd never give up hope. And no one would find her. She would just be another agent lost. It made it hard to sleep at night.

However, that didn't help things right now. She had swum this lake several times since and was still alive. After descending a few metres she found the crack in the rock that signified the entrance to the caves she needed. Her chest was tight, burning, and she fought the impulse to take a breath of water as she pushed herself through the opening.

The cave was pitch black but she knew the way from memory. She couldn't use a light down here – there were nasty creatures that were attracted to it. She felt the ripple of water next to her that signified Jim and felt his way down his arm to find his hand. She squeezed it reassuringly when she felt him hesitate slightly and led him through the cave.

Just when she thought she couldn't hold her breath much longer she ascended, and broke the surface. It was just as dark as the water below in this cave, but the air was wonderful to her scorched lungs.

"You okay?" She heard Jim gasp next to her and fought the impulse to touch him to reassure herself.

He chuckled breathlessly. "I'm not sure. You?"

"Fine." She realised she was. Today was different. And she didn't want to think about why.

"Great. So where now?"

"Not far. Take my hand."

She heard him reach for her and moved closer. His hand found her elbow, and he moved her against him in the water. She didn't try and stop it, the darkness giving her courage. She couldn't see his face, but she felt his breath on her cheek. His body was warm. She felt something molten run through her.

"You sure you're okay Sassy? You're shaking." Hell, she was. This was bad.

"I'll feel better when we're out of the water." She detached herself and took his hand. "Come on."

They swam for another ten minutes. The water became shallow, and she pulled herself to her feet to walk the last few metres. Her clothes were heavy, her legs sore. She pulled off her rucksack and pulled out her torch. She was careful not to light it until she was sure they were both clear of the lake.

The cavern they were in was large and damp. Above them several metres of water ran, but the caverns were linked to the land which supplied the stale air. She placed her torch on the ground and pushed the water out of her clothes as Jim glanced about and brushed the water from his hair.

"How did you find this place?" He touched the damp rock, the torch casting shadows across his face. He had that expression of wonder that she'd always found so engaging. After all that he'd done and seen, he never had lost that childlike fascination for new things.

She passed him his shoes. "I had to spend two weeks lying low without much to do."

He smiled at her and her heart sped up. "So you decided to explore?"

"Of course."

He looked slightly puzzled, and reached over unconsciously to push a wet tendril of hair off her face. Jim had always touched her hair like it was his right – she'd never thought of that until now. Even when she'd got older and gradually pulled herself away from him physically, mostly to protect him from herself, he would always touch her hair. Her wavy dark masses had usually been a mess, and he'd often teased her about the creatures she might find nesting in it, or that it looked like she'd been up all night fighting Klingons. But when she was upset he'd stroke it to comfort her. She wondered if he found some solace in it too. She didn't like to admit to herself that he was a very obvious reason why she'd returned her hair to its natural colour yesterday. His fingers were warm and gentle, as they always had been, and she felt herself blush.

"You should be on my ship, Joanna."

She shrugged nonchalantly and turned away from his touch. This wasn't the time for this conversation. Partly because she agreed.

"There's a bit of a hike, then a climb downwards. You ready?" She said it a bit too quickly to be convincingly indifferent. She needed this to be over. She needed him out of her life so she could stop thinking about the past and questioning everything she did. But a small part of her was hoping he'd say he needed a break so that she'd get some more time with him – and put off the inevitable.

He was looking at her closely. "Joanna, you can tell me anything, you know?"

She felt a wave of irritation at herself – she'd been too obvious. "Are you ready or not?" She snapped.

She saw a brief flash of something – maybe hurt – in his eyes before he pasted that benign smile on his face. "Sure – lead the way Sassy." The name grated, like he was deliberately trying to remind her exactly what he was – what he _had_ been – to her. She turned wordlessly and started on her way.

It wasn't an easy hike – not for either of them. Joanna had been this way only once, later she'd discovered a quicker route – and it was hard going, requiring them to crawl, climb, and twice swim, through the caves. She was far smaller than him, and he was undoubtedly scraped and bruised through their path. The physical hardship and the concentration she required to make sure she didn't lose her way distracted her from the thoughts of what was to come. It wasn't until they faced a large hole in the ground – that she realised she really was going to do this. If she left him now there would be no going back. She would lose whatever semblance of friendship or kinship, or whatever, that had been holding him to her. That hurt more than it should have.

"We need to go down." She broke the silence between them.

Jim peered down the gap. "How deep is it?"

"Fifty metres. There's a path at the bottom that leads upwards." That was true. It would take several hours, but it would surface eventually.

"Alright." Jim nodded. "Have you got ropes?"

"Of course." She opened her pack to pull out her equipment. "We can only go down one at a time. It gets fairly narrow."

"You want me to go first?" Jim offered like she knew he would. She nodded mutely, then looked up to meet his blue eyes. He looked serious. It made her nervous and she couldn't keep his gaze. She busied herself tying the ropes to a rock and heard him harness up. "Joanna?"

"Yes?"

He reached out to touch her cheek, freezing her, then lifted her chin up to look at him. "You'll be right behind me?" It was if he knew. But he couldn't. She was a good liar. She wasn't proud of it.

She made herself smile reassuringly, the way she would have years ago. "Of course."

He searched her face, and pushed another damp strand behind her ear. She attempted her most innocent expression. He was much taller than her and for a moment she wondered what it would be like to kiss him. She'd have to stand on tiptoes, and tilt his face down to meet hers. She imagined his arms around her. She wondered whether he'd pick her up. His eyes were blue and oddly intent on her. She realised her heart was beating very hard, and that his nearness was causing heat to pool in the bottom of her stomach.

"Alright Sassy." His voice was soft, and snapped her out of her fantasy as he dropped his hand. A single glance told her he didn't look convinced. His face was still serious, but he attached his harness to the rope. Clearly he was giving her the benefit of the doubt. He wanted to believe her. Something about that pulled at her, and she almost stopped him, almost wrapped her arms around him. Except it wouldn't hurt him a fraction of how it hurt her when he'd left her.

"I'll be right behind you." She lied evenly and made the motion of harnessing herself.

He nodded and gave her a smile. It didn't reach his eyes. He abseiled over the edge of the chasm and she watched him descend.

When she calculated he'd be close to the bottom, she cut the rope. She heard him fall, but it wasn't far.

"Joanna?" She heard him call up to her.

She removed her harness, and packed her bag again. "Goodbye Jim." She murmured, and turned to continue her journey.

Joanna remembered she'd had a nightmare one night when she was a kid – nine or ten years old. Her dad and Christine had been out, and Jim had been watching her and her brother – one of those rare occasions when her father had allowed it (probably because he'd had no other alternative, come to think of it). She could remember vividly what the dream was about – she had been eight when the I'sorta had invaded the Enterprise, and she couldn't seem to forget the expressions of the dead on the floor. The dream was always the same – a man in that black mask painted with blood was chasing her around the ship. Sometimes he caught her and killed her. He did on that night, and she'd woken up screaming. She remembered Jim being there, and stroking her hair until she calmed. She remembered that sense of safety she felt with him – that same feeling she had when he'd held her after fighting the man who'd tried to kill her, and so many times after that. He'd told her a story about the girl with the red balloon. He'd stayed with her until her dad and Christine returned. And he hadn't told her father that she had the nightmares – just that she couldn't sleep. She'd come to depend on him that night – more than just his letters. She'd come to trust him completely.

She wished she could forget the past now. Every step she took away from him hurt. It had been easier when she was angry, when she knew she was in the right. Now she felt like she'd wronged him, doing things this way. She hadn't expected to feel quite so guilty. And, truthfully, every part of her screamed to go back. She wanted him to hold her and make it better, to wake her from this nightmare with a gentle story and a soft hand. She wanted to know he had her back. But she couldn't. She wasn't that little girl any more. It was better this way. She knew she'd shed tears for him in the safety of her shower until she got him out of her system. But it would be swifter this time, less painful than before. And then it would be over. Jim would forget her when she stopped sending letters, and she'd lose another anchor to her past life. She'd become Antonia again, or whoever Starfleet wanted, and slowly Joanna would die, an imaginary nurse leading a life through words of a written letter.

She blinked in the sunshine as she emerged from the caves and wiped the wetness she refused to acknowledge from her face. It was over. She changed from her damp clothes into the dry ones she carried – a Starfleet uniform would be necessary for where she was going. Then she began her short walk into the woods.

Her shuttle was small – more of a jumper really, and ancient. It wouldn't make it out of the atmosphere in the condition that it was in, but was good for getting her across the planet. She pulled off the camouflage covering it. Sometimes the old disguises were best; especially here, where few ventured, and simple branches and leaves did the job nicely. She unlocked the hatch and dropped down into the hold.

It was how she'd left it: The musty smell that came from the upholstery always made her wonder if someone had died in here years ago, wires hung down haphazardly from the roof from numerous repair jobs started before she was born, and there were still spatters of her blood next to her bathroom door from the last time she'd flown her. It was the sort of ship her dad would call a death trap, and Jim would say had rustic charm. But she didn't want to think of him right now.

She moved to the cockpit and powered up. The lights came on after a few unenthusiastic attempts, but thankfully stayed on. The computer wished her hello in a polite voice and began to run the start-up scan. She powered up the engines. They didn't switch on. She tried again. And a third time for good measure.

"Damn it." She didn't need this right now. "Computer, why aren't the engines catching?"

"_Processing_." It forced her to wait until it slowly finished its diagnostic scan. "_The rear transducer is no longer coupled_."

"Damn it." She repeated. She'd landed appallingly last time she'd flown. She'd been in a bad way at the time. Clearly she'd done more damage then she'd thought. She was no engineer. But the transducer was needed if she was going to take off – Scotty had taught her that much.

She pulled out her scanner and her tool kit and exited the shuttle. She needed to open up the engines. She was fairly sure she'd recognise the transducer when she saw it. Then she had to work out how to reconnect it.

She climbed out of the hatch and onto the wing. And then realised her mistake. Because there were three people waiting for her with phasers pointing. She dropped automatically, fractionally missing being hit as she rolled off the wing onto the grass, reaching for her own phaser. Only to realise she'd left it in the ship. Oh damn.

She didn't have time to think. She pulled herself into the trees to avoid the shots and looked for anything to give her the advantage. There wasn't much. But she knew the terrain. There were stone ruins two clicks away. She'd stored weapons there for such emergencies. She sprinted as hard as she could, listening to them following. However, her pursuers were faster than her, and, as the shot thudded into a tree where her head had momentarily been she knew that she needed to think of another plan. She changed direction but suddenly knew with surety that they were going to catch her. She would have to put up a fight – but not too hard. She was good hand-to-hand, but if they were faster they'd be stronger too, and she couldn't take three alone and weaponless in such conditions. They wanted to keep her alive if they could. She'd have to act then. She wouldn't get to her weapons in time.

She pretended to trip and they surrounded her in the seconds she was on the ground.

"Don't move." They were all men – all Romulan too. She wondered who they were working for. They viewed her carefully. Well she wasn't in the mood for a staring contest.

"Can I help you?" She scowled at them. She just needed one to get close enough. Just one.

One narrowed his eyes. "Perhaps. I was expecting this to be more difficult."

She saw another of the Romulans was holding an object in his hands. She recognised her transducer. Damn. Anger filled her veins, preventing her panic. That had been a stupid mistake. Joanna's mistake. They wanted Antonia, they could get her.

"How did you find me?" She asked coldly.

The third Romulan was carrying a scanner and held it up like it meant something. "It was not difficult. You lead, we followed."

She felt another wave of panic, but pushed it away. "And what now?"

"You will come with us."  
>She raised her eyebrows. "Unlikely."<p>

"It was not optional."

"So it's dead or alive?"

"Yes." Well at least she knew they were working for Trasta. Probably.

She looked him right in the eye and pushed away all of her fear. "Excellent. Well, you should probably shoot me. Before I shoot one of you."

"You have no weapon."

"I can remedy that swiftly." She moved before they could react, forcing the phaser out of the hand of the Romulan behind her, the only one with an uncharged weapon she'd noticed, then dropping to the floor as the shots mistakenly thudded into him rather than her.

She pulled herself up as the phaser charged. She aimed steadily as they pointed their phasers at her. Her mind felt clear and still – the lake on a windless day. She was going to die.

"So who will it be?" She asked them calmly. The Romulans eyed her carefully. They both knew she'd take one down with her.

"It does not have to be as this." One pointed out half-heartedly.

"We both know it does. Tell me this – since I'm going to be dead and we both know you have as much love of your employer as you do of me – why do they want me?"

It was strange to have such a conversation at a time like this. But she'd faced death before – and so had they. It wasn't a particularly big deal to any of them. The Romulan shrugged. "You think our employer confides motives to us?"

"No – but you hear things. No one takes such a mission without having some idea."

"We are paid to ask no questions."

"How much?"

"Very much. Perhaps more than your worth."

"And how much am I worth?"

The other Romulan gave her a penetrating look that reminded her of her Vulcan mentor. "You are Antonia Salvatori." He smiled. "You are also Joanna McCoy. You are worth a great deal."

Something inside her froze as her mind erupted. Someone knew. They _knew_. But when the shot rang out her hand automatically reacted as she dropped. She waited for the pain to come. But it didn't. She glanced down at her abdomen to see she was woundless. She pulled herself up quickly, trying to understand what had just happened. Both the Romulans were dead on the floor. She had shot the one on the left. And the right...

"We really should stop meeting like this." Jim's eyes were stormy despite the lightness of his voice. He was soaked, caked in mud, but he picked up her transducer from one of the fallen men. She stared at him for a moment as her emotions warred – a mixture of relief, and hope, and hurt. She took a step towards him. And then her mind caught up.

She aimed her phaser again.

"Who sent you?" She felt the hurt give way to anger. Because there was no _way_ Jim could have got here so quickly. There was no way he could have followed her, let alone found her. And there was no way that the Trasta agents could have found her either. She'd taken every precaution – no one should even know she was on the planet. And they'd known who she was – who she really was.

"_What_?" Jim stared at her.

"Who sent you here? Who are you reporting to?" The fury was overwhelming – the betrayal greater. She tried to hold herself together, tried not to think about what she'd read on the PADD she'd hacked last night.

"No one. Joanna-."

"They found me, Jim. They knew who I was. Don't you dare... Do you expect me to believe you just happened to meet me? You just happened to find me at the spaceport again? And this now? Do you think I'm an idiot? Did you tell them where I was? Are you working with them?"

"What?" Jim's eyes were dark and furious, but his voice was as calm as ever. "You think I told them? You actually think that of me – that I'd help mercenaries? That I'm trying to get you killed? Are you out of your mind? I just shot one. And how the hell am I meant to know how they're tracking you? I don't even know who 'they' are. Maybe they bugged you, or-." He stopped, wide eyed. "Damn it."

He pulled something out of his pocket swiftly and she almost shot him. Then she realised it was his Starfleet ID. He held it to the light, examining it closely. Then he pulled off a tiny black dot that was stuck to his finger. They both knew what it was.

He spoke very quickly as he dropped it on the ground. "It must have been when they jumped me. I assumed they were the normal low-lives..."

She felt a wave of terror. He'd had it the whole time. They could have been tracked the whole time. What if they'd found her house? What about Hy'Lar? And why had they waited until now to attack, when there were plenty of other, better, places?

"Joanna, what is going on?" Jim's voice was low and penetrating. She still hadn't lowered her phaser. Her world was reeling.

"You never answered. How did you get here?" She asked him vaguely.

He took a step towards her. "I climbed back out and used my tricorder to escape the caves. Then I heard the shots and got lucky."

It sounded as reasonable as Jim went, but she wasn't sure she believed him. She wasn't sure _what_ she believed.

"Joanna..." He took another step towards her, his eyes intent on hers. "I don't know what you think I am, but I swear that I had no idea what you were doing until two days ago, and, I assure you, still have no idea what the hell is going on." He took another step and stood before her. His eyes had that confidence that she knew so well. "You won't shoot me."

For a moment she wasn't so sure. Then she lowered her weapon. Because he was right. Even if he had betrayed her, she couldn't shoot him. She allowed him to take her phaser from her trembling hands. Then he wrapped his arms around her pulled her close. She froze for a moment, unused to the contact, then slowly began to breathe again.

"I know why you left me." He murmured to her. She stopped breathing again, her guilt overwhelming, and he clearly sensed it. "I'm... well I'm not angry." She felt tears come to her eyes, and had to force herself not to cry. Because he sounded hurt, not angry – and right now she would have preferred anger. She knew how to deal with anger. He smelt of mud, and damp, and the musky smell that was him. And hell, she'd missed him so much. "Joanna, like it or not, I'm involved in this now. I'm not asking you to trust me – but I am asking you to let me stay." He put a hand on her cheek and raised her face to look at him. "Please. I need to." She wanted to ask why – why after all this time he suddenly gave a damn. But she found she'd lost her voice. Because she needed him to stay just as much .

She nodded slowly and he gave her that devastating smile. She found herself respond to it, to relax slightly. "On one condition."

He raised his eyebrows. "Which is?"

"You fix that transducer back in my engine, because I sure as hell don't know how to."

He stared at her intently for a moment, then started to laugh. She felt his chest vibrating with it, and inexplicably after a moment she started to laugh too.

"You know, you actually look pretty good in a Starfleet uniform, kid." He pulled her close again after a moment.

"Don't call me kid." She smiled at him.

"Alright Sassy."

_A/N – The song for the next chapter is Signal Fire by Snow Patrol. Thanks again for reading._


	14. The Forest

13. The Forest

_A/N – Hi everyone. Here's a nice new chapter. It's a little darker in content than most of the other flashbacks, although the darkest is yet to come. I'm pretty sure the T rating is sufficient, but IM me if you disagree. Some of you might feel that Jim's response in this chapter to what happens is a little out of character. You'd be correct – and there's a reason for it that you'll find out later. Thank you so much for the reviews – they make me incredibly happy, especially when I see that you're all asking the correct questions. Thanks for all the music suggestions too – they've certainly helped me with a few more difficult chapters to come. And thank you, as always, for reading._

All I wanted just sped right past me,

While I was rooted fast to the earth,

I could be stuck here for a thousand years,

Without your arms to drag me out.

There you are standing right in front of me

There you are standing right in front of me

All this fear falls away to leave me naked,

Hold me close, cause I need you to guide me to safety.

_Signal Fire – Snow Patrol_

"All that time in space, getting on each other's nerves. And what do we do when shore leave comes along? We spend it together." - _Leonard McCoy – Star Trek V: The Final Frontier_

Stardate: 2262

Jim: Aged 29

Joanna: Aged 13

_Dear Jim,_

_I was so happy to hear that the Supreme Court ruled in your favour. I knew they would. Professor Calros gave me a detention pointing out that the trial was stupid in assembly, but even he agreed when I spoke to him afterwards. No one believes anything they said – I read all the news in the city. I thought that Spock gave a rather touching account of your heroics (you can tell him that from me!), and Dad's wasn't bad, though he probably shouldn't have sworn so much on the stand._

_I'm currently writing this in the darkness of the headmaster's office. He caught me sneaking out of school to see the visiting Oracles (which actually weren't the Oracles at all but just stupid actors pretending – I can't believe I got in trouble over fakes) and decided that the best way to 'school' my mind was removal of all distractions. He took all my electronics and has confined me to my room outside of lessons. Apparently I should spend more time meditating to 'counter-act such disruptive emotions'. He said Toral should be an example to me, which is ridiculous, because she prefers studying emotions and likes it when I do stuff to make the Vulcans react. Anyway, it's stupid anyway – they didn't even lock my window so I'm still able to get in and out. It was a bit difficult breaking into his office to get my PADD but say thanks to Scotty for showing me that override program (see – I did learn something from him). I think that Lotoc might have spotted me, but he owes me. Last time I mind-melded with him my ears bled and I didn't go and see the nurse. He told me that was normal, but I suppose I probably should get dad to have a look at me in case my brain's leaking or something – only I can't tell him what happened, and he might work it out. Can you imagine what he'd do if he found out I was melding with a Vulcan? He's still going on about when Spock did it to him. _

_Oh, did Dad tell you? – he's taking me out of school so we can go camping on shoreleave! Just me and him. I can't wait – if only so I can get out of here. Don't worry, I've forgiven him about Marty. I sort of think he's doing this because he feels guilty, but he'd never say that. Don't tell him, but I'm a bit worried too. What if I don't know how to talk to him, or I do something stupid and he's ashamed of me? I try to be good, but being good is so boring. I think Dad's annoyed about all the communications from school. I've decided that after tonight I'm going to be really good and not break any rules and be the model student. I'm sure Dad will like me more._

_Anyhow, what are you doing for shoreleave? Dad says you've got a girl to see. I hope she's nice and not stupid. You always go for stupid women and I'm pretty sure you could do better. Make sure that someone feeds Khan while you're gone, and give him a big hug from me. Toral and me formulated a new type of catnip – I'll send it back with Dad. I'd better go – I can hear footsteps and can't get caught again._

_Joanna_

Several days after writing her letter to Jim, Joanna again eased her stylus across her PADD and attempted to capture the likeness of the men before her. Dawn was breaking and the rising sun was reflected in the lake close-by. The smouldering campfire from the night before still gave off a little heat in the early morning, but she kept her sleeping bag wrapped around her, chilly in Earth's temperatures. Behind her lay three neat tents, a barbecue, and the bottle of bourbon they'd been consuming last night (not her of course – her dad wouldn't even let her try it, despite her excellent argument that there was usually enough alcohol in his cooking that she'd probably be immune to it anyway).

This hadn't been the camping trip she'd expected. Her dad had met her off her shuttle with a worried frown and a tight hug. For some reason he always seemed to think the shuttle would crash. She thought that was peculiar for a man that spent most of his time on a starship that had, as yet, never crashed despite the numerous conflicts it got into, but she'd learnt to keep these thoughts to herself or face a lecture on the evils of technology. Out of his Starfleet uniform he looked like the man she remembered as a small child though more relaxed now than he ever had been under the tensions at home. He was dressed casually but carried a pack on his shoulder as always. She wondered what her dad thought would happen if he didn't carry a medipack everywhere.

"Hi Dad." She smiled up at him and tried to give her most angelic of expressions. Thankfully her father was easy to convince and smiled back.

"Hi Joanna. How was your flight?"  
>She shrugged. "Quiet. Most people got off on Mars. I spoke to a nice Andorian for some of the flight but he got arrested by security on Boradis." Unfairly, she thought. It looked like he was smuggling, but it was only a few plain and boring stones – nothing that she thought would be worth getting worried about.<p>

Clearly her father didn't know how to respond and she kicked herself. She was meant to be a good girl, and she supposed good girls weren't supposed to talk to Andorian smugglers, even if they were the most interesting person on the ship. He cleared his throat and attempted a smile. "Right, well... There's a bit of a change of plan..."

He looked hesitant and she felt her heart sink. Were they not going? Maybe he wanted to spend more time with Christine and James. She did her best not to feel jealous of her half-brother, but sometimes she thought it was unfair that he got to spend all his time with her dad, and she only got a few times a year. Annoyingly he was cute, so she couldn't be angry at him. She supposed she didn't really blame her dad either. He had a nice family of his own and she was just an annoying reminder of his past – one that got into trouble every five minutes. She tried to put aside her disappointment. She'd always be second-best to her dad now. She was to everyone.

"It's okay Dad. I understand."

He looked surprised, and a bit relieved. "You do? Did he tell you? Dam-. That is, I told Jim not to."

Now she was confused. "Not to what?"

Her father sighed. "So you don't know? Well, Jim's going to be alone for shoreleave. Hell knows why – I thought the women were queuing up for him. He was so sad and pathetic I offered that he could camp with us."

Joanna suddenly felt a weight lift off her shoulders. That was the bad news? "That's great! That is, I don't mind." Her father still looked glum and she struggled to understand. "What's wrong?"

"Well, because Jim was coming, Spock decided to invite himself. Damn Vulcan! He's too scared to meet Uhura's parents, but of course the idiot won't admit it. He just cites something stupid like 'It would be inappropriate when time is limited to formulate new relationships'. He didn't have a problem formulating one with her though, did he? The man has to take the consequences – the good with the bad. Everyone's terrified about meeting the parents, nothing wrong with that." She listened to her dad rant as they left the spaceport and smiled to herself. She didn't really understand Spock and her dad's relationship. At first she'd thought they hated each other, but Jim had reassured her that their bickering was friendly deep down. She figured it must be pretty deep down.

And that was how she was here now, watching the three men sleeping around the campfire. They must have been up long after she'd gone to sleep if the empty bottle was any indication. She was tempted to wake them all up nosily to show them alcohol was wrong but her dad was a bear with a hangover. They'd done all the normal stuff yesterday, just to teach Spock what camping was all about. She wasn't sure he really understood the point, as Toral hadn't when she'd explained intricacies like singing around the campfire, but he'd at least done his homework, and was rather enthused about toasting 'marshmelons'. She liked Spock. He wasn't like most of the Vulcans she'd met. He wasn't here to learn about a primitive culture, or to study something (although he occasionally said he was to annoy her dad), but, she'd realised with some surprise, he actually enjoyed Jim's company, and tolerated her father's. He'd told her yesterday, when she was teaching him how to saddle a horse, that there were many advantages to being half-Human. She'd never heard one of her school-mates say anything like that. Most of them were ashamed of their mixed parentage.

Spock's likeness was easy to draw – she'd had much experience drawing Vulcans at school and her stylus easily mimicked his high cheekbones and angled eyebrows. Her father too was little challenge – she'd been drawing him since she was a small girl and knew every line of his face from memory, although perhaps there were a few more than there had been last time she'd drawn him. But Jim, Jim was hard to draw.

She'd been overjoyed to see him again. He seemed happy to see her too. He'd taught how to build the best campfires yesterday, and how to find directions in the woods, and the names of the stars in the sky. She'd been happy just to sit between him and her dad and listen to their banter. But she'd known from his letters what the trial had done to him, even if he hadn't said anything outright. He was still his normal smiling self on the outside, but she could sense the turmoil in him. It hurt her to see it. She studied his sleeping figure carefully and wondered if he'd be the same. She wasn't sure how to help him, and she wanted to help him so much. In her opinion the Federation had a lot to answer for. The more she read of them, the more she thought it.

The sun was growing higher in the sky, and no one showed any sign of waking any time soon. She was growing bored and itched to go and explore the woods some more. Her dad had told her that there were bears (Jim had told her to look for something on four legs as grouchy as her dad was), and deer that she might see if she was quiet and lucky. Right now Joanna felt that her luck might be in.

She got to her feet quietly and pulled on a sweater. She wouldn't go far, or for long. Her dad wouldn't like it if he woke and she was gone. But she wasn't going to while away the day doing nothing. She debated whether or not to take her horse. They'd borrowed them from a small stables nearby, and her brown mare was placidly chewing grass behind the tents. She wasn't sure if she much liked the horse – called Lover (ironically in her opinion). She'd tried to bite her on first meeting, and had unseated her twice yesterday. Worse, she was lovely and well-behaved for everyone else. Her dad, whilst stroking her nose as the horse nuzzled him, told her she was doing something wrong. She wasn't though – she'd seen the look in the horse's eye every time she approached. She had a definite grudge. She quickly decided against taking her – knowing her luck the horse would make so much noise she'd wake the camp, or go off at a flat gallop and break a leg. Instead she left the grassy shore of the lake and walked into the trees.

Joanna really liked the woods. There was so much to see and hear and touch _everywhere_. The birds of all varieties singing, the trees fighting for space in the canopy, insects over the floor and the foliage, fungi in a multitude of colours, small animals scurrying away at her steps. She spent some time watching a pika, memorising its every feature and mannerism so that she could draw it later. Moving on she studied the different genus of trees, trying to name them, admiring the variety of leaves. However, the elusive bear remained so. An hour into her walk a new sound broke the noise of the forest – a sound she was familiar with. It was the sound of a ship landing. It intrigued her because Joanna knew that ships were only allowed to land in designated landing points on Earth except in case of emergency. Was someone in trouble? Was the ship damaged? She knew she should go back to camp and tell her dad – after all she was camping with three of the most qualified people in the universe for any crisis – but she ran the risk of losing sight of the shuttle, and it might be too late by then. She decided to go and look herself first. She'd decide what to do afterwards.

She followed the trail in the sky deeper into the forest. It took her some time – the ship had travelled further in its descent than she'd thought, and with the trees becoming thicker she occasionally had to climb a tree to see the sky. Eventually however the trees thinned into a clearing and she saw the ship landed neatly on the ground. Well, it didn't look damaged.

"Hello?" She called out and waited for a response. Some instinct stopped her approaching the ship too closely. Maybe no one was here. Or maybe they were injured? "Hello?" She called again, more tentatively this time.

She moved closer to the ship and was just about to knock at the hatch when a man and woman emerged from the forest to her right. They both stopped immediately, and reached for phasers. Joanna froze instinctively. Then the man let out a sharp breath and lowered his weapon, touching the arm of his companion to lower hers.

"It's just a kid." He was middle-aged, perhaps in his forties, tall and very slim, with long grey hair and a large bald patch.

The woman frowned at her suspiciously. She too was older, bleach-blonde and squat as the man was thin. "She's an awfully long way from civilisation."

The man smiled at her kindly, in contrast to the woman and she felt herself relax slightly. "Where you from?"

"I'm camping here. I saw your ship come down and wanted to see that you were alright."

"Well, that's very nice, isn't it Flo?"

The woman tutted under her breath. "Yes, very nice."

"But we're fine, you see."

Joanna nodded. They looked fine. She felt an urge to leave, that something wasn't quite right, but felt she needed to complete her quest. "And your ship? Is it damaged? Only there's not much chance of meeting anyone else out here, and the nearest communicator is ages away."

"I know." The man's smile broadened. "That's the idea."

"Oh." She had a sudden revelation. "Are you smugglers?"

The man's eyes opened wider in surprise and the woman cursed. "How'd you know that?"

She shrugged. "I've met smugglers before."

The man looked curious. "Have you now? Where are your parents, little girl?"

She bristled slightly. She was hardly a little girl. "My dad's in camp." She was going to say he was sleeping, but kept it back.

"And you went for a walk on your own?"

She shrugged. "There's only bears out here."

The man smiled again. "And us."

"Come on Harry." The woman muttered under her breath. "There's no time for your appetites now."

"The girl's lost, Flo. It would be rude not to help her, when she came all this way to find us."

Joanna was about to point out that she wasn't lost at all, and didn't particularly need help, but the way the man was looking her in a way that made her uncomfortable and kept her silent.

Flo shook her head in resignation. She didn't look at Joanna. "Well do what you must and be quick. I'll power up – before border control are all over us." She moved into the ship and left them alone.

The man nodded slightly. "Come on, which way is your camp." He moved towards her, and she found herself taking a step back. The man unsettled her. She wasn't sure why. She'd met plenty of smugglers before, and men for that matter.

"It's alright." She reassured him quickly. "I know my way back."

"Well I wouldn't want anything happening to a pretty girl like you." He smiled and looked her up and down. "I've been in space a long time. You're a sight for sore eyes."

She changed the subject quickly. "What do you smuggle?"

He shrugged. "This and that. What's your name?" He wouldn't be abated.

"Joanna." She knew his name, and wished she didn't. "I should let you go, I don't want you to get caught."

"We've got plenty of time. I've never been caught yet." He gave her a reassuring smile. "You know, I'm not going to bite." She realised she was instinctively moving away from him, towards the tree line, as he moved closer. She suddenly wanted to run.

"Aren't you?" She blurted.

He shook his head, smiling indulgently. "You don't know much about men, do you? Or perhaps you do, perhaps this is all an act... Maybe you wanted to meet me. Maybe we are fated."

She frowned at him. "Fated for what?" Maybe he was crazy.

He reached out and touched her face with cold fingers. "You know, you have the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen." It wasn't a response and she flinched.

"Don't." Never let a stranger touch you. Her grandmother's words echoed through her mind.

"I'm sorry. But I can't resist you. How old are you?"

"Thirteen."

"So young. But you know on some planets I've been to a girl who's thirteen is thought to be a grown woman."

She was beginning to have a bad feeling where this was going. But surely not? Men like that weren't real. They were something her mom said to scare her. "Different species age differently." She suddenly wanted her dad very much. She never should her left his side. Would he be looking for her now?

"You seem mature to me." Or Jim. Jim would look for her. "Do you know what mature people do when they like each other?"

"No." She lied. "I've got to go." She turned away quickly, planning on running, but he caught her arm with deceptive strength. He towered her and she felt a sick dread in the pit of her stomach.

"Wait now. We're only talking."

"I really have to go. My dad will be worried."

"We won't be long." He ran a hand down her face again. "You know, I've been very sad. Do you want to know why?" Terror made her nod mutely. "I haven't met anyone like you in a long time. But you are clearly the most talented girl I've ever met. You managed to find me, when I'd given up hope. And I just know that you'll be able to make me very happy. Do you know how to make a man happy?"

She had to get away. Right now. She pulled on her arm but he held it firmer. Mutely she shook her head.

"Let me show you." He undid his buckle with one hand, his other hand loosened slightly, and in desperation she pulled it free as hard as possible. He reached out to grab her, but she kneed him in the groin – maximum pain earliest, as Lotoc had taught her – then her courage failed and she turned and ran.

Panic made her lose her orientation and she ran blindly. She heard him on her heels, breathing heavily. He grabbed her arm and she fell to the ground, pulling him down with her. Disturbingly he was smiling, like he was enjoying the chase. She pulled herself up, but he grabbed her ankle and she lost her footing. She kicked him in the face as hard as she could and ran again. And then ground fell away suddenly, and she rolled and bounced down the incline. She held her arms out, trying to grab something, trying to slow her descent, but everything slipped though her hands. Then she hit her head and remembered nothing else.

She opened her eyes to sickening pain and disorientation. It took her a moment to realise what had happened, and she panicked again and tried to sit up. Pain screamed down her left arm, and she glanced down through swimming eyes to see bone sticking out of the skin, bloody and splintered. She vomited into the ground next to her. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. In the stories she'd read you fell unconscious and then woke up in a nice warm bed and everything was alright. Instead she was at the bottom of some ditch with near vertical sides that ended the steep incline she'd fallen down. Her head hurt, and her arm hurt, and she didn't know where she was, and that man... that man might still be around. She was silent, terrified again, but heard nothing. Maybe he was gone. He wouldn't want to be caught smuggling whatever he was smuggling. She felt tears prick her eyes again, and tried to swallow them. She needed to be brave. She needed to get out of here.

She pulled herself slowly to her feet. Her ankle screamed in protestation too, but she didn't think it was broken. She surveyed her surroundings. There was no way she was going to be able to pull herself up with her injuries. She could shout for help, but she doubted anyone would hear her. Except the man. She wasn't sure she dared risk it. Her head was making her dizzy so she sat down again. What was she going to do? What if no one found her? The forest was a big place. Her dad might hunt for days and never find her. Maybe no one would care. Maybe they'd forget about her. But no, she was being silly. She needed to think straight. Of course her dad would come. He always did. And he had his tricorder. He'd find her eventually. She just needed to sit tight.

But it wasn't easy. She hurt really badly. And she couldn't stop her thoughts switching to that man until she had to retch again. Nothing came up though this time – she'd lost everything the first time. Time ticked by and she had to shut her eyes to ease the pain in her head. She drifted in and out of wakefulness.

She heard the man return but for some reason she couldn't move. She felt his eyes on her, peering down with that look that made her skin crawl. Immobilised, she heard him climb down into the ditch. Her heart began to pump with panic. He reached out to touch her, speaking her name and she screamed. Then she woke up with a start. She put her head between her knees, gasping for breath as pain shot down her broken bones, unsettled as she'd sat up.

"Joanna?" A familiar voice was breaking through her disjointed thoughts. "Joanna, are you here? Joanna?"

His voice steadied her, and she attempted to pull herself to her feet. "I'm down here." Her voice wobbled.

"Joanna?" Jim appeared at the top of the hill. She looked up at him, blinking in the sunlight. She couldn't see his face, but he could hear the relief in his voice. "You know, if you were planning on having an adventure you could have woken me. What are you doing down there?"

"I fell." Her voice was small.

"Are you hurt?"

She felt a flare of annoyance. "Do you think I'd still be down here if I wasn't?" Frustrated tears pricked her eyes again.

"Alright Sassy. Sit tight."

He made his way down to her as she retook her seat on the muddy floor and shut her eyes to stop her head pounding. He dropped neatly onto the ground next to her, then crouched down at her side.

"Hi kid." She was too upset to reply to him. "That's a nasty break." She felt him touch her hand gently, clearly surveying her for injuries. Even that caused her to inhale sharply. "Sorry. Anywhere else damaged?"

"I sprained my ankle I think. And I hit my head hard. I think I was knocked out."

She opened her eyes and watched him look up the hill thoughtfully. "You must have fallen down here at some speed."

"I was running."

His eyes fixed on hers. "From what?"

"A man." Her voice broke and her eyes filled with tears. She struggled to control herself. Jim didn't speak for a moment. Then he opened his communicator.

"Kirk to McCoy."

"Jim! Please tell me you've found her." Her father's anxiety added to her distress. She was the worst daughter in the universe. Her dad was going to be so angry.

"I've found her."

"Is she alright?"

"She's a bit banged up but I don't think it's anything life-threatening."

"Is she talking?"

"Yep."

"Joanna, can you hear me?"

Jim gave her an amused look, and aimed the communicator towards her. "Hi dad. I'm really sorry."

"Are you alright?"

She attempted to sound cheerful but felt anything but. "I'm okay. I broke my arm."

"Your arm? What the hell were you doing to break your arm?" She shook her head wordlessly. She felt near to tears again.

"She decided to run down a hill and met a ditch." Jim said on her behalf.

"Well just sit tight. I'll be there soon. Jim, do you remember how to reduce a fracture?"

"Vaguely." Jim glanced at her arm, looking clinical, which did not reassure her one bit.

"What the hell do you mean 'vaguely'? I've done it for you about thirty times."

"It's an open wound. I probably shouldn't."

"Well stabilise it. It'll help with the pain."

"I know. Is Spock there?"

"Yes captain."

"Have you locked onto my signal?"

"Indeed."

"Good. How far away are you?"

"With our current mode of transport, approximately forty minutes."

"Fine. We'll see you soon. Kirk out."

Jim paused, then looked down at her. "Your dad's right – we need to do something with your arm."

"Like what?" She asked dubiously. She'd seen Jim's medicine before, and it didn't fill her with much confidence.

He smiled that his winning smile. "I have a few tricks up my sleeve. But I'll need some bits and pieces. Sit tight."

He turned away and she was filled with a sudden panic. "Jim, don't leave me." She stood up, as if to follow, then her ankle screamed, and she had to lean on the muddy wall to support her.

She must have sounded scared, because he turned back quickly. "It's alright kid."

"Don't call me kid." She gasped.

He took her good arm and sat her back down gently, eyes serious. "Alright Sassy." She wasn't usually so clingy, but she couldn't help it. She'd never felt like this before, on the verge of tears and trying to hold herself together. "You're shaking!" Jim glanced at her in surprise and she hung her head in shame. She was. She couldn't stop, which wasn't good because it was making sharp splinters of pain run down her arm.

He knelt down next to her, and stroked her hair from her face with gentle hands. His blue eyes were surprisingly understanding. Strange, since Jim was never scared of anything. "I know you're shaken up Joanna. But I bet that arm hurts like hell. I'll only be gone for a minute. You'll be able to hear me. Alright?"

She tried to be brave, but the thought of him being gone, and being left alone when _he_ might come back made her feel ill. "Alright." She watched him climb out of her prison and disappear over the hill. She felt the first stab of sickening fear but another sound quickly eased her suffering. Jim was singing the chorus to The Yellow Submarine at the top of his voice. She found a slow smile come to her lips. His singing had not improved, but he let her know his location with every breath. As he'd promised it was mere minutes when he descended back down to her.

He dropped onto the ground and gave her a smile. "You okay?"

She tried to return his smile. "That song makes no sense."

"Sure it does. Trust me, if you're ever on a deep space mission with the Enterprise it makes perfect sense."

"If you say so."

"I do. Now let's have a look at your arm." He knelt beside her again and took her wrist in his hands. She had to look away. She wasn't usually squeamish, but the bone sticking out was more than she could deal with right now. However, when he started to arrange long leaves on either side of the wound she couldn't help but glance down.

"I'm just stabilising it." He told her conversationally as he threaded them into a lattice. "The less it moves, the less pain you'll be in. Your dad will sort it later."

She tried to agree, but spots were dancing in front of her eyes as even his light handling caused excruciating pain. She was trying desperately hard not to vomit. He placed sticks either side of her wound, threading them into the leaves to hold them in place.

"Did you meet someone while you were out here?" Jim asked conversationally as he worked.

His composure calmed her. "They landed near here. I thought they might be injured or something, but they were smugglers."

"They chased you when they saw you?" Jim surmised.

She shook her head, then rested it on her knees when it spun. "No, the woman left. Then the man..." She tried to find the words but the memory was too fresh and she was too close to crying. "He..." She swallowed. She was being pathetic. "Sorry." Her voice shook.

"Don't apologise." He smiled at her kindly but she still had to force the words out.

"I think he wanted to rape me." Her voice came out in a whisper but Jim froze as if she'd shouted it. She raised her head to look at him, scared of the expression on his face. But it was blank. He was starting at her arm. "Jim?" She eventually found her voice, and he glanced up at her. His eyes were dark and stormy seas, but cleared before she could read his thoughts in them.

His continued his work wordlessly and she was too tired to say anything else. His reaction unsettled her. Maybe she'd shocked him? Maybe he was disgusted with her now? She felt dirty herself, and horrible, like she'd never be clean again. And the man had barely touched her. She wondered what would have happened if she hadn't got away, but her mind shut down at the thought.

Finally Jim surveyed his work and nodded. He tucked her arm into her jumper.

"How does it feel?" His voice was normal and relaxed.

"Better..." She attempted to wriggle her fingers as she'd watch her father instruct his patients. It actually did feel better. It still hurt like hell though. "Thanks."

"No problem."

She felt his eyes on her face and found she couldn't meet them. She hated herself right then. "I'm so sorry." Her voice broke into a sob.

For a long moment Jim remained motionless. Then, in a sudden resolute movement he sat down in the mud beside her and placed an arm around her in comfort, pulling her close. She buried her head into his chest, trying to shut out her thoughts, drawing on his strength and doing her best not to go to pieces. Jim didn't like it when she cried.

"Joanna, this is _not_ your fault." He sounded so sure that it was pointless arguing.

"I don't understand any of it." She confided in him. Why her? Had she brought it on herself? Had she said something to him? Looked at him in the wrong way? And why hadn't she run sooner?

"Some people have darkness in them, Joanna." Jim told her softly. "And some people don't try to fight it."

"Why?"

"Because they like the feeling too much." He stroked her hair and she felt herself calm at his touch.

She tried to make sense of things in her reeling mind. "You don't have any darkness in you." She pointed out quietly. Jim had never made her feel like that, and she'd been close to him often. He'd never hurt her. She didn't believe he was capable of it.

"I have plenty of darkness in me Joanna. But I fight it."

"I don't believe you."

She felt him sigh. "I'm not a hero, Joanna." He always said that. She'd never believe him.

"Well you rescued me."

He looked down at her, blue eyes flashing with amusement. "You're still in the ditch."

"But I'm not alone in it anymore." No, he'd dragged her out of the dark place she'd been in.

He smiled at her, and she realised, for the first time, two important things. Just how much she liked his smile. And that he was handsome. Of course, she'd always known that since everyone told her all the time – but for the first time, she actually understood it. The thought made her blush. She distracted herself from her confusing thoughts quickly. How could she think that, after what had just happened?

"Dad's going to be so mad." There was a truth. He got angry at strange things, but her walking off and then getting hurt would make him furious. Maybe he wouldn't want her anymore. She'd already caused him so much trouble.

"Not at you, don't worry." Jim read her mind.

"He's already had a communication from the school this week." She sighed. "I'm in trouble when I go back. I try to be good..."

"But being good is boring?" Jim chuckled, quoting her letter.

She nodded seriously. "It's like they're trying to sap... myself from me." She shut her eyes resignedly. After today maybe she should let them.

"Joanna, you remember what I said to you when you started that school?"

She thought back, the memory fresh and perfectly preserved in her mind. Often she hated her eidetic memory, but Jim always liked it, and used it like it was perfectly normal for her to recall a conversation they'd had five years ago. She didn't fail to notice that he remembered it too.

"You told me to remember that I was Human, not Vulcan."

"Exactly. And what do Humans have that Vulcans don't want?"

"Emotions."

"Correct. Vulcans think that emotions are a weakness, that they cause more trouble than they're worth. And sometimes that's true. But emotions are also what make us Human. When we learn to control them they're a powerful tool."

She didn't see where he was going. "I don't understand."

"You're not a Vulcan – you're Human Joanna. Your emotions make you _you_. You shouldn't let anyone change that."

"But they get me in to trouble." She pointed out.

"Then use them to get yourself out of trouble."

"I can't."

"Of course you can. I know you, Sassy. You can make anyone believe anything you say. I've seen you do it. You have the ability to lead people, to make them believe in you."

She raised an eyebrow at him. She couldn't remember convincing anyone of anything, let alone leading them. "So you believe you're a hero?"

He chuckled. "I do when I'm around you." She shook her head sceptically and he looked thoughtful. "Have I told you the story of the girl with the red balloon and the dancing?"

"No." The anticipation of a story helped ease the pain that was increasing in her head.

"Alright then." He stroked her hair absently and she relaxed against him. "One day the girl with the red balloon went to her dancing class."

"She dances?" She interrupted. Her opinion of the character went down slightly.

"Sure she does. She's a good dancer." Joanna snorted and Jim raised his eyebrows at her. "As you might be, if you decided to ever try it." She doubted it. "Now as I was saying, she went to her dancing class, and the teacher informed them that they were entering a competition. They were each going to be assigned a partner, and were to dance to a set piece of music. Now the girl watched as each of her friends were assigned to others with a sinking feeling. Soon she was left with just one other student, a boy. She knew the boy well and was not happy with the assignment. Several of her friends had tried to dance with him in the past with disastrous results. Everyone knew that he had two left feet. Worse, the boy was mean, and often made his partner cry. However, the girl was made of stern stuff. She knew there was no point getting upset, although she really wanted to win the competition. She approached the boy with resignation but when she tried to talk to him he just turned his back on her and walked away."

"Why?"

"Well, the girl realised that perhaps he'd seen on her face that she hadn't wanted to be his partner. She noticed how the others laughed at him because he couldn't dance. She thought that perhaps she'd gone about things the wrong way, and that she should try and get to know him, to be kind to him."

"Sounds sensible."

Jim chuckled. "She was sensible. So she approached him again, this time with a smile. The boy responded better to the kindness. Together they began to dance. Each evening they practised. The girl saw how much the boy wanted to dance, and how hard he worked. She admired him for it, and they became friends. But it was no good – the boy got no better. He'd trip over his own feet, or her feet, and get himself so flustered that he couldn't dance anymore.

'One evening as they practiced he fell to the floor, bringing her with him. She saw tears of hurt and frustration in his eyes, and realised that because he cared so much he wasn't succeeding. They were doing something wrong. She touched his face with compassion and said 'Don't worry, we'll learn together.' The boy was sceptical, but the girl was clever. She decided that instead of dancing the dance they'd wanted to, where the boy couldn't do well, they'd come up with something that played to his strengths. She realised that whilst he was no good at complicated footwork, he was strong and an excellent gymnast. She came up with a new routine that used these features. But the boy kept doing badly."

"Why? Surely he would be better?"

"You'd think. But the boy had no confidence in his dancing. Even with the new routine he didn't believe they'd do well. And belief can make or break someone. The girl realised this but their performance was the next day. She had run out of time. On the day of the show the boy met the girl with the red balloon behind the curtain. He had cold feet, and didn't think he could perform. The truth was that he cared for the girl, and he didn't want to publically embarrass her by doing badly. The girl knew she had to convince him that he was a good dancer – so she did just that."

"How?" She was curious.

"She told him all the good things that he _could_ do – all the things that she admired about him – his strength and athleticism. She convinced him that the things that she admired others would to. And she told him him that no matter what happened, he could never let her down, because they were friends, and friendship was more important to her than any dance. And the boy started to believe."

"What happened? Did they win?"

"Well, the boy danced the best he ever had, and the girl kept up with him like they were made to be partners. Everyone was entirely stunned to see him dance so well. The other students began to admire him for things he could do that no one else could, and many of them wished they'd been paired with him."

"Yes, but did they win?"

Jim shrugged. "Does it matter, when they learnt so much?"

Joanna frowned at him. "Of course. Else what's the point of a competition?"

Jim smiled. "Well, Spock would say that learning defeat and how to accept is as important as winning."

Joanna rolled her eyes. "That's stupid. No one would try and win if it wasn't more important. And no one remembers the loser."

"I wish Spock was here – I think he'd enjoy your form of logic." Jim chuckled and she scowled. "But I think Spock's trying to say that everyone loses some time."

"You don't."

"Well, you never know when my luck is going to run out Sassy."

"No time soon."

"Hopefully not."

"So did they win?" She persisted.

Jim grinned at her. "Of course."

"Good." About time too. "What happened?"

"Well, they both got what they wanted in the end. The boy was admired for his dancing. The girl had won her competition. But they realised that they now had each other. From then on neither danced with anyone else. The end." He fell silent abruptly, in his usual way, eyes preoccupied, and she again wondered if that was indeed the correct end of the story. However, she enjoyed the silence companionably, and the comfort his warm presence brought. She wondered whether he was right – whether she really did have the ability to convince people of things like the girl with the red balloon. It would certainly help her to talk her way out of some of the situations she found herself in. Like this one.

Her head was pounding again, and she shut her eyes and let herself drift again as her ankle and arm throbbed. Jim's voice brought her back from the darkness that was beginning to penetrate her thoughts.

"You dad's here."

She stirred slowly, opening her eyes in the dimness of the ditch and wondered how he knew. Then she heard the sound of horses nearby.

"Joanna?" Her father was calling her before the horse had stopped moving.

"We're down her, Bones." Jim called, gently removing himself from her side and standing. Her father appeared at the top of the cliff.

"Damn it. Let me get down closer." He made his way down the valley, stopping at the edge of the ditch.

"I'll hand her up to you." Jim offered calmly. "Do you have you medikit?"

She watched her father scowl, and realised it was for reasons like this one that the pack was attached to him constantly. "Of course I do. Be careful with her, Jim."

Jim made a face at her, but made no reply. Instead he went down on one knee and lifted her into his arms. The jolt of movement, as smooth as it might have been, made her cry out before she was able to bite her tongue.

"Damn it Jim, I said careful."

"Sorry Sassy." Jim murmured. She would have told him that it was alright, but he quickly was handing her up to her father's waiting arms.

Her father was more careful than Jim had been, his doctor's instincts making him more aware of her pain. He'd catalogued her injuries before they'd reached the top of the hill. Joanna was expecting a rebuke, some sort of anger from him, but when he placed her on the blanket Spock had laid out for her, he wrapped his arms around her and she felt nothing but love and relief. It was probably that which made the dam burst after holding it in for so long, the knowledge he wasn't angry coupled with the reality of what had happened. She hid her face in her father's shirt, trying to stop Jim seeing her tears. Her father stroked her hair silently, waiting with surprising patience, and, in fits and starts, she managed to get the whole story out.

When she pulled away she could see her dad was angry, but he took away her pain and healed her wounds with gentle hands. Spock watched the proceedings motionless, occasionally reaching to hand her dad a tool. Jim paced.

Eventually she was able to get herself to her feet. Her dad was the best doctor in the universe. Jim often said he could cure a rainy day. But she felt drained despite the medication.

"Alright, I need to get Joanna back to camp." Her father told his friends.

Jim nodded, exchanging a look with him. "I'll deal with it." His blue eyes were blank. He appeared totally calm.

"Jim I do not think it is wise..." Spock began, but Jim silenced him with a look.

"Stay here and keep an eye on things." He was in captain-mode, she knew it well enough - giving out orders and expecting obedience. "Let me know if you see any sign they're back.

"Yes captain."

She suddenly felt scared. Where was he going? What was he going to do? What if something happened to him? She couldn't bear that. And that man had been bad – really bad. However, before she could protest her father was swinging her up onto the horse in front of him and Jim had disappeared into the forest.

She didn't remember much after that. She fell asleep against her father as the rocking of the horse soothed her. When she suddenly awoke she was in the tent she shared with her dad, and it was near dark outside. She was gasping, and had the feeling she'd had nightmares, but couldn't remember the content. For once her memory had let her down, and she was grateful.

She pushed the sleep from her face and crept out of the tent. Her father was sitting in front of the fire, face dark and preoccupied. Spock sat next to him, strumming his lyrette in disharmonious chords that suggested he was thinking.

"Hi dad." She sat down next to him.

"Hi Joanna." He nodded at her, face clearing, and put an arm around her."Feeling better?"

She nodded slowly. "I'm sorry about... everything dad." Her voice was smaller than she would have liked.

Her father's arm tightened around her. "It wasn't your fault. And if I get my hands on him I will kill him." She didn't doubt who he was referring to. The idea that her father was angry enough to contemplate murder, a man who usually did everything to save lives, was terrifying. She was suddenly understood why Jim had offered to go. "But please don't walk off without telling me in the future, Joanna." She nodded her agreement as she sensed the end of the conversation.

"Is Jim back?" She asked him, changing the subject to both their relief.

Her father shook his head as Spock answered. "He approaches."

The doctor scowled but looked anxious. As Spock had said, Jim appeared a few minutes later from the trees. He was well controlled but she had memorised every feature of him and knew he was limping slightly. Her first instinct was to go to him, but her dad held her back.

"Stay here Joanna." She knew he'd seen it too, that they'd have things to discuss that they wouldn't want her to know, but for the first time she felt a wave of irritation, of jealousy of her father. Nevertheless, she obediently remained seated as both he and Spock went to talk with him. She stared into the fire. And waited.

Her dad returned after a few minutes and began to cook dinner. He looked better, like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. A glance told her that Spock and Jim remained in quiet conference. Then Spock too returned to the fire. She saw Jim head towards the clearing close to the lake and went to follow. And then remembered what she'd promised her father.

"I'm going to see the horses Dad." She called. She heard an acknowledgement from him, but was already well away.

She stopped at the tree line when she saw that Jim was indeed with the horses. Lover, the brown mare who hated her, clearly didn't feel the same way about him, and was nuzzling him affectionately. She watched Jim as the sun set. She knew that he was troubled, she could see it as others couldn't in every movement, in each expression. In the way he allowed the horse to comfort him. She wondered what he'd done. Had he found the man? She wasn't sure if she wanted to know either way. She watched his hands smooth the mare's coat, murmuring words that she couldn't hear, and felt something for the first time. And the feelings scared her. Not because of what they were – somehow being attracted to Jim felt only natural - even when she'd been little she'd thought she might be with him one day. No, she was scared because if he found out about her newly developing feelings, if he even got a taste, he wouldn't be her friend. Because Jim wasn't like the man she'd met in the forest. Jim had light, not darkness. And Jim would never want her. Because no one did.

"Was your time away productive?" Lotoc watched her with dark impenetrable eyes a week later as they sat in the classroom and prepared for her teaching session. She was beginning to show signs of improvement, both in the way she used her mind to 'process memory', and in her fighting skills. She knew that the only reason she'd got away in the forest was because of the things he had taught her, and she had resolved to work even harder to improve them. It had still been too close.

"Not really." She replied absently. She'd been worrying about what to do about Jim for the last few days. Already she'd seen how her behaviour had changed around him, how every touch now caused her heart to beat hard, how his words made her blush. She knew what she had to do now, but was reluctant to do it.

"You seem preoccupied. Was it not as you anticipated?" Lotoc read her emotions clearly, much to her frustration.

She shook her head. "Not really."

"I see. I believe that Humans often find that life is unpredictable." Joanna stopped herself biting back a remark that plenty of Vulcans also found life less predictable than they wanted to believe. "I have another request to ask of you, Lotoc."

"I see." The man waited patiently for her.

"I need you to teach me how to control my emotions."

He raised an eyebrow. "Your emotions are indeed your greatest weakness Joanna McCoy. However, I am unsure if you are ready to walk the Vulcan path."

She shook her head. "I don't want to remove my emotions, Lotoc. Emotions make me Human. But I need to hide them better..." She looked at him hopefully.

The man nodded. "Very well. I will teach you, but you must put your mind to it as never before. Such methods are not easy to one such as you." She wondered what he meant but the man was already lighting candles and dimming the lights. "We will begin with meditation. Please be seated."

Obediently she took her place on the floor, even as a memory of her grandmother's voice reminded her that nothing in life was for free.

_A/N – The song for the next chapter will be The Resolution by Jack's Mannequin. Thanks again for reading._


	15. The Stockade

14. The Stockade

_A/N – Hi everyone. Another chapter – and the plot thickens. Read carefully! The background for Talos IV comes from TOS episodes of The Menagerie – you should watch them if you have the chance. They're rather hilarious. However , obviously there are some changes from the canon due to the alternative realities. I've written parts of this several times so I apologise if it doesn't flow quite right. Things are going to get rather quick after this. Thank you for reading. _

And you hold me down

And you got me living in the past

Come on and pick me up

Someone clear the wreckage from the blast

And I'm alive

And I don't need a witness

To know that I survived

I'm not looking for forgiveness

I just need light

I need light in the dark as I search for the resolution

_The Resolution – Jack's Mannequin_

"I have never understood the female capacity to avoid a direct answer to any question."

– _Spock, This Side of Paradise, TOS_

Stardate: 2269

Jim: Aged 36

Joanna: Aged 20

Jim had been had. He didn't like it. It made him angry. But he was keeping a short leash on his feelings because he wasn't sure whether anger was the prevailing emotion. Because Joanna had left him – he'd been guessing she would try after her hushed talk with the Mazarite, and knew why she would want to, but hadn't really thought she would do it. And because of it she'd almost been shot. Then fifteen minutes ago she had pointed a phaser at him, and accused him of something that he would never, _never,_ do. It showed how much she'd changed, and how little she trusted him. It showed him how desperate she'd become. And worse, it showed him more of his own feelings than he was comfortable with. Because she was still Joanna – _his_ Joanna - still the girl that looked at him with those large brown eyes that penetrated him to the soul and made him need to protect her. But she was a hell of a lot more complicated than she had been as a child. And worse, she'd been right. None of this was chance. She'd been right to be sceptical. It was no chance that he'd found her on Adigeon, nor here on Juros for that matter. Her necklace had helped with both. And they'd bugged him – whoever 'they' were. Someone had known his significance – what he was – had been - to her, and had used it. Someone knew exactly who Joanna was. That made him agitated. How had they known he'd be there? No one had suggested the trip to him, or booked him a flight. Not even Bones knew where he was going. It had been an impulsive decision. Had he become predictable? Hell, he hoped not.

"Alright, start her up." He replaced the panel on the hull and heard the engines catch. He patted the ship affectionately – she clearly hadn't been shown much love for the last few decades if her scarred bodywork was to be believed. He'd have thought Joanna would have taken better care of her. But – he realised when he boarded the ship and noticed the interior – she probably had bigger things on her mind.

"Is that blood?" Once again his lips bypassed his brain and spoke automatically.

Joanna glanced over her shoulder, following his eyes to the floor from the entrance towards the bathroom. She shrugged and turned back to her panel. "Obviously."

"There's a lot of it." He attempted to say it lightly, but it wasn't very convincing. It must have been some wound to bleed that much. "I'd have thought you would have cleaned up."

"I was more focused on landing the ship and getting home at the time. Cleaning wasn't high on my list of priorities." Joanna's voice was bland.

He recalled the trek through the caves, and the swim, and the hike. "How _did _you get home?" He was beginning to realise her warning about questions hadn't been for nothing. He wasn't sure whether he wanted this answer. And yet he still kept asking. He couldn't help himself. He felt a need to know everything about her, everything that he'd missed in the last two years. Everything that she'd become.

"I healed the outer wound to stop the bleeding. Hy'Lar met me half way. It was fine." He realised she was trying to reassure him, trying to make it sound like nothing. Someone else might have been fooled. But he knew what she'd been through because he'd been through similar enough times. Except he had Bones to fix him up, and Spock to watch his back. He felt another wave of guilt and took back every bad thought he'd had about the Mazarite. And then he got hold of himself.

He took the seat beside her. She glanced at him like she was waiting for something as her hands moved across the panels in the way he'd taught her.

"Computer, plot course to my entered coordinates." Joanna ordered smoothly.

"Plotting. Estimated arrival time fourteen minutes."

He frowned. The voice was awful. "That's certainly an old-school computer."

Joanna returned his frown. "I like her. She's polite."

He felt a wave of home-sickness. "I prefer the Enterprise's."

"That's because you've reprogrammed it."

He raised his eyebrows innocently. "I don't know what you're talking about." How had she known that? Scotty hadn't even worked it out (although perhaps that was an assumption. He hadn't changed it back but perhaps he enjoyed the computer's voice for entirely different reasons).

She smiled slightly. "The computer flirts with you – I don't know any other computer that does. Or anyone else that would want that."

"You think Scotty wouldn't want to flirt with a computer?"He chuckled and she smiled openly.

"No, not a computer. An engine though..."

"Point taken." They looked at one another and Jim couldn't help but remember how she'd felt when he'd held her just moments ago. She hadn't felt like the girl he was used to - he'd felt every ridge of her slim body, not helped by the skin-tight Starfleet uniform. He'd always been particularly fond of that uniform, and Joanna certainly did it justice. Which was entirely wrong and wasn't helping his resolution. Because Joanna McCoy was so far off limits she might as well be in the Great Void. He pushed the thoughts far away and promised himself he wouldn't go there.

"So where are we going?" He asked as he familiarised himself with the controls. She gave him a look and he gave his more persuasive expression. "If I'm flying I can't fly blind."

Her frown deepened. "Who said you were flying?"

"Of course I'm flying." He would allow Joanna to do many things, but flying a ship was not one of them. He had, after all, taught her how to. While he was there, he'd always be pilot.

She fixed him with a long look, but eventually sighed, knowing that she wouldn't win on this one. "We're going to the Stockade."

Her eyes were focused away again, clearly perplexed, and he felt his heart sink. The Stockade was not a good place for him to go. He had, after all, put away a large portion of the personnel imprisoned there. He was somewhat more efficient than internal affairs. He'd developed a sincere dislike for corruption in Starfleet.

"I hear it's lovely around there this time of year." He said lightly.

"It might be for me, but not for you. You'll be recognised."

He could tell she was considering not taking him with her – which was about as likely to happen as Spock spontaneously tap-dancing. He was not letting her out of his sight again. They both might attract trouble, but hers tended to be more heavily-armed.

"Maybe not." He said hopefully and took off neatly from the ground. The ship shuddered but remained in one piece. The old ships were the best. Slow, but reliable even if mistreated.

Joanna flashed him a sceptical look but remained silent. He could almost hear her brain working. Well she'd come up with something – or he would. He didn't doubt she knew everything about the prison already. She probably had the schematics memorised in excruciating detail. There was always a way in to such places. But damn, he didn't fancy breaking_ into_ Starfleet's maximum security facility. He hoped she had a good reason.

"You should go and wash up." Joanna suggested after a few minutes. He looked down at himself and saw the mud and blood. Lovely. But even so... "And before you say it, I am perfectly capable of keeping the ship in the air for five minutes. I fly all the time."

"That fills me with hope." She was still alive at least.

She smiled slightly. "I've improved since my first lesson."

"It would be hard not to." Flying had not come naturally to Joanna the way most other things did.

She scowled at him. "It's far easier when you're not there to distract me. Go and clean up. You look awful and there might be something female for you to flirt with."

He grinned. "I certainly hope so." He transferred control to her as she rolled her eyes.

The bathroom was small and bloody. He tried not to think about her as he dug out a towel and wet it. It wasn't easy. She was confusing him. His mind was still finding it hard to align the teasing girl with the strong fearless woman he'd seen her become. Joanna had always been brave, no doubt there – but this? Walking miles with grievous wounds? Selling weapons to the low-lives that would kill her as much as trade? Fighting for her life in encounters that even made him edgy? None of those things were the Joanna he knew. No, they were much more like him. And, he was sure, that was no coincidence. She'd changed to protect herself, just as he had years ago. Only he'd learnt to balance that aspect of his personality.

He flattened his hair, cleaned his wounds, and brushed the dirt from his clothing. He wouldn't be impeccable, but he could make that work. Every woman liked a rogue. Except Joanna. He had no idea what she liked. The only man he'd known her to date was as straight-laced as a Vulcan could be. The opposite of him in every way. She'd certainly be a challenge to seduce – not that _he_ ever would of course. But some sucker was going to have his work cut out one day. If she managed to get out of this alive. That thought sobered him quickly.

"Well, we're still in the air. That's a good sign..." He took his seat next to her with a smile and checked their course. The old computers had no autopilot, and would not automatically adjust their heading. But they were still on target. Joanna had most certainly improved.

"We're almost there." She frowned at him, daring him to comment, and handed him back the controls. He wisely decided to keep further thoughts to himself.

She had a PADD open on her lap, and he saw a flash of faces from a personnel list. "Are we going to see anyone in particular?" He asked as he began his descent.

"Yes. Do you think I'd leave it to chance?"

He ignored her bristled comment. He could feel her anxiety. "Anyone I know?"

"Nope." He wasn't sure he believed her.

"But people you know?"

"Yes."

"How-."

"Just land the damn shuttle Jim." She bit, turning back to her list. He shrugged and let it lie for the time being. He would soon see anyhow. He slowed down the ship as the huge structure appeared in front of them. He felt a niggling reservation. This was probably not a good place for him to be walking into. Bones would call him crazy, and Spock would point out the flaws in his logic. But the alternative was unacceptable. He'd manage. He always did.

The area around the prison was empty. Theirs was the only ship on a plain of brown earth that stretched in every direction as far as he could see. The building was surrounded by a forcefield that glittered in the sun when it caught the light. There were still circulating guards despite the walls, forcefield and impossible terrain. To another person it might have seemed like security overkill. But Jim knew full well these were no ordinary criminals. At least thieves were honest in what they were.

Joanna picked up a small bag and straightened her dress. He switched off and carefully avoided looking at her legs. They left the ship together.

It was like entering a furnace. He felt perspiration pour off his face less than a second after entering the heat. Joanna didn't seem to have a problem with it, but Cerberus had always been hot and she was probably used to it. Nevertheless he could feel the tension radiating off her like a small sun. "Remember where we parked." He joked. He saw her lips quirk upwards slightly and some of the tension ease. Well, one thing at a time. "So, do we have a plan?" They were approaching the visitor's entrance, and he was feeling rather breathless as the humidity settled on his chest.

Joanna nodded, then glanced at him. "Sure. You just need to be you."

"I need to be me?" He stared at her, then understood. Well, that might work. "I'm alright at that I suppose."

"I suppose so too. When you're not trying too hard to be someone else."

"I have no idea what you mean." She was the one wearing the many faces – not him. He was just Jim Kirk. He always was.

She shrugged but said nothing as she rang the bell at the front gate.

"_Identify yourself_." The computer ordered.

Joanna pulled out some clearly forged credentials. "Hannah Towson." Another new name. Jim wondered how many of them Joanna had.

The computer beeped. "_Confirmed._ _Please wait._"

He watched Joanna adjust the bag under her arm and pull a set of PADDs against her chest. "Play along." She murmured. "And let me do the talking."

There was a guard walking towards them. To his surprise Joanna changed slightly, adjusting her shoulders so she stood straight, smoothing her face. She suddenly looked her age – young and carefree. And pretty, he couldn't help but notice. He wondered whether that was the point.

"Hannah?" The guard that met them was young himself, maybe a year or two above an Ensign, dark, broad-shouldered and handsome. He looked her up and down like he couldn't believe he was seeing her. "What are you doing here? I thought you got sent to Ementis?"

Joanna smiled at him joyfully, her whole face lighting up. The smile of a person meeting a lover, or a beloved friend. For a moment he felt staggered by its presence – it was Joanna's smile, the smile he'd been so used to as she'd grown up. He felt a sudden impulse to reach out to her, such was its power. The man was clearly as affected by it as he was, because he blushed. "I was – I'm back here on official business, Karl. It's an emergency."

The boy became instantly grave, never taking his eyes from her. "Are you alright?" He realised instantly that Karl had been in love with Hannah. He wondered whether they'd dated. He could see Joanna being attracted to a man like him. He seemed very proper.

"I'm fine. Karl, this is Captain Kirk, from the USS Enterprise."

Karl finally seemed to notice his presence, and his expression shifted from overwhelmed to embarrassed. "Captain Kirk? Forgive me, Sir! I meant... I didn't mean..." No, he just hadn't been able to take his eyes off Joanna. He could hardly blame him.

"It's quite alright." He murmured calmly, hoping to portray the captain figure of himself as well as Joanna had asked.

"Karl, we need to see a prisoner. You know who. It's important."

"Do you have the documentation?" The boy asked slowly.

Joanna shook her head. "No – we've come straight here. It's a matter of galactic security." Galactic security? Jim almost chuckled at that. "No one can know we're here. There are people working against us as we speak."

The guard looked nervous. "Hannah you know I can't. Not without the documents. It'll be the end of my career." He glanced at him. "No offence sir, but you know I have to follow protocol."

Jim found that he rather liked the boy. He found his voice. "I understand, officer. However, protocol 146.7 dictates that in moments of emergency Starfleet personnel should act in the best interests of those at risk of harm. I assure you that this is such a time."

The man frowned slightly, clearly trying to remember such a protocol. It would be difficult – he'd just made it up. "I'll need to speak to my superior officer."

"We don't have time, Karl. _Please_." She placed a hand on his arm and looked him in the eye. He instantly knew the boy had no hope. Joanna could convince someone she was a Klingon if she put her mind to it. Her voice was soft, her eyes beseeching. "You know me. You know I wouldn't lie to you. I'm begging of you, just let us in. Just for thirty minutes. People are going to die otherwise."

The guard stared at her for some time, his eyes softening. No, they'd never dated. It was the look of a man who was looking at something he desperately wanted, something he'd never had. Jim wasn't sure why that made him feel better, but it did.

"Alright. You have thirty minutes."

She smiled at him and stood on tiptoes to kiss his cheek. "Thank you." It was strange – this woman that was a mixture of his Joanna, and someone more grown up.

They followed him through the forcefield to a door at the side of the main building. Jim gathered that this wasn't the normal visitor's entrance, especially when no one stopped them to reconfirm their identity or search them.

"We've moved her to cell 146." Karl told Joanna-Hannah. "I'm not sure what you'll get – she hasn't spoken to anyone since you left." So they were going to see a woman? Jim wondered who exactly she was. And why Joanna had been here the last time. And why she needed to see her now.

Joanna nodded. "It's alright. Don't worry."

"Here." The guard handed her an entry card. "Be quick. I won't be able to keep the security footage off for long if you don't want to be recorded."

"Thank you."

Jim nodded. "Thank you, officer. This won't be forgotten."

Karl smiled slightly, and turned his back to them. Joanna slipped through a door on the other side of the room, and Jim followed her into the depth of the prison.

Jim had been to plenty of prisons in his time – usually as a prisoner. He knew prisons – how they sounded and smelled, and on one particularly memorable occasion, tasted. This one gave him the creeps. It was silent. Prisons in his experience were always noisy places – people bartering food, or exchanging gossip, or wallowing in misery or crying out in agony. The silence, as they walked past cell after cell, made his hackles rise. He could feel eyes watching him – eyes belonging to people he'd put away throughout his career.

"Talking is banned except for a supervised hour a day." Joanna murmured to him, reading his thoughts. "Contact is only allowed once a month."

"Harsh." He commented softly.

"Is it?" She glanced at him, and he realised that, considering some of the crimes he knew had been committed, such restrictions weren't just malicious but necessary.

"So we're breaking the rules?"

She smiled slightly. "Of course."

The cell numbers increased steadily. They turbolifted to another level and moved swiftly down the row.

"Here." She stopped and swiped the card. He heard the lock release and automatically reached for his phaser. Joanna didn't hesitate when she walked into the room. He followed her and the door closed around them both, enclosing them in darkness. There was complete silence. Jim felt the tension rise – he didn't like the dark. Or the oppressive heat in the room.

"You know;" Joanna spoke softly after a few moments. "I thought you'd stopped hiding in the darkness, Julie."

There was a sharp intake of breath. Then: "Joanna?"

There was a flick of a switch, and the light came on. And there stood a woman, petite, fair as Joanna was dark, looking at her with wide eyes like she'd seen a ghost. Her face flickered in his memory. He knew her from somewhere. He was sure of it.

"Hi." She gave the woman a small smile. "I'm back."

The woman sat down on the bed heavily. "You said you would be. I didn't believe you – not after you got involved with them..."

"I haven't got much time."

"It's all ready." The woman lifted her mattress and handed her a microPADD. Jim wondered what was on that PADD. You could learn a great deal in prison. Even with a ban on talking, there were other means of communication. Then she seemed to notice his presence for the first time. "Captain Kirk?"

Joanna smiled slightly. "He wanted to come along for the ride."

The woman smiled back. "Well, you're the only person I've ever heard give _him_ an order."

And suddenly he knew exactly who she was. "You're Ensign Powell." The spy of the I'sorta. The woman who'd been manipulated into betraying her oaths. Joanna looked surprised, as if not expecting him to remember her.

"I _was_ Ensign Powell. I'm just prisoner 146 now." The was no anger in her voice, only resignation. "I never thanked you for your actions on my behalf." He'd given evidence in defence at her trial, but the death toll of the Enterprise had been enough to convict her. He found himself lost for words but the woman was already turning from him.

"I've been hearing worrying rumours. If you give them what they want, they'll kill you, Joanna."

"If I don't give them it they'll kill me." Joanna replied calmly.

The woman nodded. "What will you do?"

"I'll think of something."

"And your cover?"

"I might have been compromised. There's more to this than just weapons, Julie."

"I know. You need to speak to Cell 159."

"We don't have the time." Joanna was already removing a small parcel from her bag.

"Joanna, he's one of _you_." That made her pause. So he was another of the SI? Imprisoned here? That had all sorts of implications he couldn't even begin to process.

"Here." Joanna handed her the parcel. The woman took it from her silently, and Jim was surprised to notice there were tears in her eyes. "This might be the last time, Julie."

"Don't say that. Who else brings me care packages?"

"I don't bring them often enough. It's not safe anymore. I won't put you in danger."

"I put me in danger. You gave me a chance. You're the only person to ever give me that."

Jim watched the exchange of the two women silently and realised something profound. Joanna hadn't changed. She'd grown up, become more responsible, and she took those responsibilities seriously – but she was the same girl. She cared for people – that part of her nature was ingrained in her soul as it was her fathers'. She had stayed in contact with Julie over all these years – and probably was the only one to do so. Joanna had more depths than even he'd predicted. He felt a sudden intense wave of affection towards her.

"You gave yourself a chance. Don't forget that. We need to go."

"Alright." The woman embraced her tightly. "Be safe." She glanced at him, and he remembered that face, so many years ago, as he'd dried her tears. "Look after her." She murmured.

"I will." He gave his word easily – he'd already made that promise years ago.

The woman smiled slightly, a look of understanding in her eyes but said nothing more. They left as silently as they'd come.

"Where now?" He asked quietly, noticing immediately they weren't retracing their steps.

"You know where."

He nodded, unsurprised. They moved into another wing of the prison. The heat increased by at least twenty degrees, and the cells grew further apart. He noticed guards on each level, but Joanna led them quietly around them. He wondered whether the pass would work on another cell too, but he shouldn't have worried. The door numbered 158 was unlocked.

The room was white, clinical and lit brightly. He realised the reason for the unlocked door immediately. There was a wide forcefield separating the chamber from the passage they walked into. This was maximum security. There'd be no breaking out of a cell like this. Just getting too close to the field would give a shock strong enough to knock someone out.

The man in the cell had his back to them. He didn't move to greet them. His hair was long and matted, his shoulders stooped. He saw Joanna's eyes widen slightly in recognition – a look of total shock and, he was worried to see, fear – and then her mask came down and she was Antonia again.

"I didn't know that they'd caught you, Breakwater." She addressed the figure before her. "You must have got sloppy. I thought you were better than that."Breakwater? He tried to place the name but failed.

The figure stiffened. "Have you come to gloat?" The answering voice was unexpectedly refined from such a figure. "Or has Brooks sent you to question me again?"

"No one sent me." Joanna leaned on the wall, apparently indifferent.

"Indeed? Forgive me if I remain sceptical. I have nothing to say to you, or to anyone. Get out."

Jim exchanged a look with his companion. This wasn't going quite the way he'd expected. She scowled at him, as if it was somehow his fault, then rolled her eyes, coming to a decision.

"I know about Talos." Jim felt himself go rigid at that name. He knew all about Talos. No vessel under any condition, emergency or otherwise, was to visit Talos IV. General Order Seven was the only death penalty that still existed in the Federation. Naturally, Jim had been there once, but that had been a long time ago, to save the life of Admiral Pike. The order, rightfully in his opinion, still stood.

The man finally turned to face them. He was dark but had startling green eyes beneath the scraggly hair he wore. He looked at Joanna with such an intense interest that Jim almost wanted to shield her from it.

"Who _are_ you?"

"I am Antonia Salvatori."

The man continued to regard her. "They told me you were good."

"They told me you were dead."

"Mere wishful thinking on Intelligence's part."

"Why are you here?"

"I was caught."

"Why?"

"Because this is the safest place in the universe for me now."

Jim was trying to follow their conversation, but he could barely keep up with the fencing between the pair.

"I don't believe it."

"You should. I'm rather surprised they've let you live this long, if you know about Talos."

"'They' being?"

"Don't be naive. You suspect, I'm sure, or you wouldn't be here."

She nodded her agreement and Jim wanted to ask what it was that she suspected but the conversation was already moving on. "But I don't understand why. What has the Syndicate got to do with this?"

"It's a means to an end. A single body for the Federation to focus their attention on. But I went all the way to the top. Do you know what I found?"

"No."

The man smiled genially. "Well, that's disappointing. I'll let you find out for yourself. It'll be a nice surprise if you live that long. Do they have a contract on you yet?"

Joanna scowled at him. "The Syndicate don't. Trasta do."

"Trasta...? Ah, the sister company. That's apt. Thankfully, the sisters are rather estranged. You might have some time before your cover is blown."

Joanna nodded as Jim couldn't help but ask. "Sisters? Then who are the parents?"

The man turned to him in almost amusement. "That, Captain Kirk, is the question you should be asking. Interesting that you are the one to be asking it."

"That's not an answer."  
>"Answers come at a price. Secrets keep us alive. Ask your friend about that."<p>

Joanna's face was stony. "I know your price. I won't allow it."

The man chuckled. "You still have your morals. Fascinating. I thought they would have stamped them out in the Academy. But then, you do pick a particularly interesting companion. I'm sure he has enough scruples for the both of you." He met his eyes condescendingly, as if having principles was childish. "But no matter. If you survive, you will be back. You'll need to free me to have even a chance." He moved closer to the forcefield, and Jim could smell the singeing. "You are different from most of us, that much is clear. They are right to fear you. But you are too late to stop the wheels turning now, _Antonia_. The storm is coming, and we are standing in the rain."

Joanna smiled slowly. It didn't reach her eyes. "I don't fear getting wet." Her voice was cold.

"No, you fear getting dirty. And the mud will be to your waist before this is over. Are you willing to pay such a price? Are you willing to allow others to pay it?" He glanced slowly at him again. "And as for you, captain, I did not foresee your involvement. The great Captain Kirk of the Enterprise. Your role is still unclear. The spy and the captain. Such an interesting pair."

Joanna shook her head and turned away as if disappointed. "We're wasting our time. Come on Jim."

She was almost at the door when the man spoke again. "My hearing is in six months. I imagine it will take another two before they execute me. I am on a time limit. You shouldn't forget that."

Joanna's eyes were hard when she turned back. "Then give me something that will speed things up."

The man looked away. "Omicron IV."

She nodded as if the name made sense. "Fine."

She left and Jim followed her but was again stopped by the man. "Captain Kirk?" He turned to face him one final time. The man was looking at him like an equal. Perhaps, in another life, they would have been. "You cannot save her." A second warning. He didn't want it.

"I believe everyone can be saved."

"Not at a price you'll be able to pay. Take it from someone who has paid it." It took him a moment to realise that it was not anger, but pain in the man's eyes. His warning was made in earnest. For all his disparaging on ethics, the spy wasn't as lost as he'd want people to believe.

On impulse saluted the man, earning a mocking smile, and left. He wanted to protest. He wanted to ask why he was so sure. But it made no difference. He would save her. He knew too well what would happen if he didn't.

They left quickly, through a back door. Neither spoke. He assumed they had made it out in time – and that Karl was well used to Joanna not saying goodbye. He finally broke the silence as he started the engine. The time for waiting had passed. He was in far over his head, without a doubt. He needed answers. He'd go as far as he could without breaking his word.

"That was easy. Nice chap." He eased the shuttle off the ground as Joanna stared at the prison like it held the answers in its walls. "He's an agent?"

"He was..." She replied vaguely.

"What did he do?"

"My job. I took over from him." He recalled that she'd thought he was dead. Why wouldn't the SI tell her the truth – unless they didn't know he was alive? But they must have realised he wasn't dead at some point – else how would they catch him? And surely his presence compromised Joanna? Surely she needed to know to maintain her cover? So why the silence? Or maybe it wasn't the SI that had imprisoned him. There were many parts of the Federation that could imprison Starfleet personnel. But an organisation like the SI would surely know every prisoner in the Stockade... Hell, all this intrigue was hurting his head.

"Surely he's not in prison for that?"

She shook he head slowly. "No. He's in prison for violating General Order Seven."

He hadn't seen that coming. "He visited Talos IV?"

"He destroyed Talos IV."

He almost crashed the ship. "What? That's not possible. We would have heard." All those people... He was one of the only people in the universe to know the truth of the planet – about why it was off limits. It wasn't for protection of the Federation. It was for the protection of the inhabitants.

"How? None of you are allowed to approach the planet."

"But the Federation would have..." Told them? Would they? He knew better that most that the Federation kept their secrets close. But why would they keep such a terrorist act quiet? How would it help them in the slightest? He had a sudden thought. "But you said you knew about Talos... You're not just talking about its destruction, are you?"

"No." He thought about the one piece of knowledge he'd want in such a situation.

"Why did he do it?"

"The official report said he lost his mind and decided to remove the greatest threat to the Federation. We're told it was an act of mistaken patriotism." Patriotism? The man didn't seem unstable – quite the opposite. He was an intelligence agent – they were paid to be cool under pressure.

"He didn't seem very patriotic to me."

Joanna shook her head. "No. But he was a spy. He believed in something."

"You don't destroy planets for that sort of patriotism. What really happened?"

Joanna wouldn't meet his eyes. "I think he was obeying an order."

"From who?"

She shook her head. "I don't know."

Jim glanced at her, attempting to read her expression. "But you suspect."

"Yes. " She clearly wasn't willing to share.

"So he's been wrongly imprisoned. Surely they'll realise that at his trial." She shot him a look of profound scepticism, and he found he didn't have much faith in that either. The legal system of the Federation was excellent – but it sounded like he didn't have much evidence in his favour. Nothing that someone didn't want found. And the SI didn't seem to be doing much to help him. "But... We can't just leave him there to be executed." He hated injustice. He couldn't just turn a blind eye.

Joanna sighed. "He wants to be there Jim. He wouldn't have been caught otherwise."

She had a point. "Then why ask you to free him? Why wouldn't he just escape?"

"He wants me to condone what he wants do."

"Which is?"

"What I'd do, if I was him."

Jim fought a wave of irritation. "You know, Joanna, you could just give me a straight answer for once."

"I've given you plenty of them. That's why you notice when I'm cryptic." She smiled at him, dark eyes warm, and he fought a sudden impulse to stroke her face. Where had that come from? He shook his head at her, easing his frustration and covering his confused feelings. Like it or not, she was still telling him more now that the last two days put together. Now if he could only get these other feelings under control and focus.

"How did you even find out about all this?" He'd had no idea and he had a high level of access and two even higher and more cynical friends.

"I'm a spy. I spy." Her voice had hardened.

"On the Federation?"

"On everyone. I'm good at finding leverage."

She was disturbing him again. He attempted to pull her back to shallower waters. "Well, I'd better hide all my dirty laundry."

Her face softened. "I already know all your dirty secrets, Jim."

"Clearly not. You wouldn't be speaking to me if you did." That, a small voice told him, was the truth.

She gave him a long look, then shrugged. "I'm still speaking to you now..." She didn't have to finish. He knew what she meant. Even though he'd stayed away.

He landed the ship neatly on Joanna's directions and powered down. Joanna changed her clothes and re-covered the ship with leaves but he could see on her face that she wasn't planning on using it again. It was a shame – with a bit of work she'd run nicely. He could already see a few features they just didn't put on newer models these days – things he could adjust. Of course she'd need to be rewired. And that computer had to go.

"So, are you taking me potholing again?" He asked when she'd straightened and brushed herself off.

She scowled at him. "They've followed us – don't be ridiculous."

That was fair. He wasn't keen on running into any one else sent to track down Antonia. "You got another exit route?"

Her scowl deepened. "I always have another exit route." She walked into the trees leaving him behind. He jogged to keep up with her.

"You know you're pretty when you're frowning like that." He wasn't entirely sure if he was joking.

She didn't even look at him. "Go to hell Jim."

"See you're just as bad at taking a compliment too."

"See you're just as bad at being sincere."

"Who says I'm being insincere?"

She sighed. "I've known you too long. Besides, as I recall you didn't think I was pretty."

He did remember saying that to her. Hell, he'd been mean to her when she was a kid. "Any woman can be pretty."

"I remember you saying that too. Glad I fit into the 'any woman' category now."

Really? That's what she thought? "You know you don't kid." If she did he'd probably have kissed her at the very least last night. No, Joanna had a category all of her own. It should have probably been entitled 'off limits'. Which, when he came to think about it, made it all the more enticing. He'd never been one for off-limits.

She shook her head at him. "Don't call me kid."

"Alright Sassy."

They walked in silence for a while. They were climbing, he noticed, the trees thinning slightly.

"Tell me about Omicron." Joanna asked suddenly.

He'd been thinking the same thing. Unfortunately his knowledge on the planet was little. He'd never visited the system. As far as he was aware, few people did.

"It's just a backwater planet. Not much of note. I think they almost destroyed themselves at one point a few centuries ago."

"How?"

"The separate states were at war. They all had weapons in orbit – nuclear weapons as I recall. But they managed to stop it somehow. They're pacifists now, regressed to a pre-nuclear state."

"I see."

The trees thinned to stone ruins. They were overgrown, interspersed with trees, tumbled down and sun-scorched.

"Amazing." He paused to examine a stone carving. "I thought there were no people indigenous to the planet?"

Joanna looked amused at his enthusiasm. "None living. They died out a thousand years ago."

"Why?"

"No one knows. Come on – we need to keep going Jim."

He wished they had more time. Spock would love this. So would Bones. He could imagine the hours they'd spend studying the ancient architecture, arguing over details. "I'll have to bring the Enterprise here. I think I'd like to solve the mystery of what happened to wipe them out."

She shrugged. "There's far more interesting things than this place. There's a whole ruined city close to home."

"A city in the desert? I bet that's something."

"I don't think it was desert when they lived. When the rain comes the whole place changes."

"It rains in the desert?"

She grinned at his expression. "Sure. The water forms rivers in the rainy season and suddenly there's grass and flowers everywhere. My very own oasis."

"I'd like to see that." The way her eyes lit up told him it was something worth seeing.

"Well we're not due for rain anytime soon."

"I'll just have to come back then."

He didn't miss the look of quiet hope in her eyes. "I suppose so. Just keep your crew away from my house."

He grinned. "Well I'll try – but you know what Spock's like with his tricorder." She laughed softly in acknowledgement and he followed her as she led him through the rubble.

"Wait here." She paused outside a building close to the encroaching forest. It had once been two storeys or more, but they had collapsed leaving just remnant of the first floor as a roof. It would have been a good place to store something, and now knowing the level of paranoia Joanna worked to he imagined she had a weapons store here. He obediently waited outside as she disappeared, but quickly circled the building to check there wasn't a second way out he was missing, or a basement she could escape by. They had made progress today, that was true, but he wasn't entirely sure he trusted her not to leave him again, just as she clearly didn't trust him... well at all.

She emerged a few minutes later and he assessed her carefully, attempting to find a hidden stash of weapons on her body. However there was no sign – no telling bulge anywhere, and he was familiar enough of the shape of her body now to be fairly sure. Not that he'd been particularly looking at her body. She continued walking as if her unexplained stop had been nothing at all and he felt himself sigh. Another Joanna mystery. He accompanied her silently, and ensured that his features showed that he didn't care a jolt. Maybe she was just trying to torment him - giving him no information, when she knew that he hated being blind. Right now he was following her on faith alone – faith that he could keep her safe even like this. No, that was a lie. He was following her because he cared. He could admit that to himself – hell, he'd even admitted it to her - he cared for the woman who'd once been the little girl who wrote to him every week, who was overjoyed to see him, who understood his feelings instinctively and liked him for him. That was the girl he was saving. That was the reason he followed blindly.

"You're quiet." Joanna interrupted his thoughts with a penetrating look that went straight through him.

He shrugged, and kept his face blank. "Just thinking, Sassy."

"About what?"

"About you."

"Oh." He could tell she wanted to ask him the details, could see her bristling with it, but she suppressed it in a way she'd never managed to as a child. He was grateful because he wasn't sure what to say if she'd asked. How could he even begin to tell her what being here now was doing to him? Instead she shrugged and paused next to a series of bushes.

Given his previous experience with her mysterious stops he raised his eyebrows. "What, have you got another secret lair under there too?"

She gave him an unimpressed look. "No, I just wanted to pee."

"Really?" He was disappointed.

She grinned, her face taking on an impish look. "No." She pulled off the bushes to reveal a bike and he chuckled. Joanna was always full of surprises – it was one of his favourite things about her.

He drove – Joanna protested that she needed to think. He wanted the opposite right then, so it suited him nicely. He was a man of action and thinking wasn't doing him any good when his thoughts kept going in one unwanted direction. Driving fast, wind on his face and Joanna behind him – that was the rest that he needed. Her hands lightly circled his waist but she shifted forwards after a while, leaning her cheek against his back. It was the first real sign of affection he'd seen from her and it gave him hope. Somehow he was going to resolve this.

She guided him in single words, eventually indicating that he should slow. He brought the bike down again next to a column, but he was fairly sure it wasn't the same one as before – he recalled that the pillar that led the way to her home had an M-shaped fragment missing at his eye-level. He turned to her in askance and she got off the bike gracefully.

"It might have been compromised." She didn't meet his eyes and he understood immediately. She thought that they'd – he'd – led them to her home. And the Mazarite..? Her face had become blank and he understood she was hiding fear. She was preparing herself in case they found the worse. Hell, how could he have been so stupid? It hadn't occurred to him that he might have been a target.

He pulled out his phaser, charging it ready for whatever they might face and felt her eyes on it. The seasoned had a ritual before battle. That was his. She didn't copy his action but he saw her brush the phaser in her holster, checking its presence, and pat the side of her leg where he didn't doubt she was hiding a knife. She had her own now. He replaced his phaser and they exchanged a look. Ready for whatever came.

Joanna moved swiftly and certainly. She motioned to him, indicating he should circle around the back when she brought the forcefield down and he nodded his understanding and moved. It had been a long time since someone had been giving orders to him in a situation like this. He'd been a captain for a long time. It should have been strange, but with Joanna it felt natural, comfortable. She knew the terrain, she knew the foe, and he was the better shot, the sensible choice to cover her. She'd follow him as naturally as she led him under other circumstances, of that he was sure. It occurred to him, rather suddenly, that she was now his equal. She'd never been defenceless, and he'd trusted in her memory for years, but she'd lost that hesitation that had once set them apart. Joanna had been forced to trust herself. It was what happened when you only had yourself to rely on. He'd learnt that as a teenager.

He waited behind a pillar and lost sight of Joanna as she disappeared to deactivate the forcefield. He watched for other movement – if he'd been attacking he would have left someone outside to keep an eye out. Of course, there was the chance they hadn't known exactly where the house was, and Joanna was about to show them – but there were few places to hide around here. He could hopefully take them down before they communicated a location. He palmed his phaser.

The house appeared a short way away. He remained motionless and waited. There was no movement. Joanna clearly made a decision and stepped out. For a heart-stopping moment he expected her to be shot down. She stretched in the sunlight, making herself an easy target, but nothing happened. After a moment she signalled the all clear. It looked like, for now, her home was still safe.

Hy'Lar appeared on the veranda, assessing the situation with his head cocked. "Joanna? What is-?"

Joanna ran and tightly embraced the being before he could finish. The man gave her a soft look, her affection clearly moving him. "We've been compromised." She told him softly.

"How?" Well here went nothing. He stepped out of his hiding place towards them and the Mazarite gave him a dark look of accusation. It wasn't unfounded unfortunately. If the man hadn't liked him before, he definitely wouldn't now.

"I was bugged." He admitted.

The being frowned stonily and turned his focus back to Joanna, who shook her head. "Later. There are things we need to do."

"Very well."

Joanna reset the forcefield and they walked together back into the house, leaving him outside. With a sigh he replaced his phaser and followed them. The murmured conversation he could hear going on in the room of unknown use told him that Hy'Lar was certainly not happy at his reappearance. There was no surprise there. He'd put money on the fact that he told Joanna to leave him. That galled him because the man was clearly an empath – he must know how he felt about the woman. Although perhaps he found it just as difficult to make sense of his emotions as he did. The Mazarite was going to be a hard one to win round – as if Joanna wasn't going to be hard enough. But Jim had never been adverse to a challenge. He'd succeed – or die trying. That would have made him chuckle yesterday, but after what he'd seen today it might have been more serious that he thought.

He climbed the stairs, leaving them to whatever secret plans they felt necessary, and took a shower. His body was battered from the earlier trip through the caves and stung madly under the water. He wished Bones was there to patch him up – he'd survive, but during a fight it might cost him the upper-hand. His mind quickly summarised what information he'd gleaned today, and he had to admit, no matter how he looked at it, things didn't look good for Joanna. He was tempted to demand everything from her – but she'd seemed so vulnerable when she'd pointed that phaser at him. She was less stable than the person she portrayed. It wouldn't take much to tip her over the edge.

His treacherous mind reminded him how good she'd felt in his arms. He'd succeeded in avoiding that thought all day, and pushed it away now. Good grief, she was McCoy's daughter, and he'd known her since she was five. It was sick because he'd never considered himself to be one of those men. It didn't change anything though – it hadn't in the past and it didn't now. The feelings were still there. He was still a man when it came to it. A lecherous excuse for one at any rate. Damn, he needed to resolve this... thing between them – and he had no idea how. His usual methods of resolution with women, although tempting, were inappropriate in the circumstances. He couldn't tell her why he'd left of course, and of why he'd stayed away. There were some things she couldn't hear and that he couldn't say aloud.

He dried himself off and almost jumped when he opened the bathroom door to Joanna, sitting calmly on the bed. She'd changed to loose casual clothes and her hair was pinned up messily. She surveyed his towelled form calmly, looking him up and down with dark eyes that told him nothing, and held up a dermal regenerator.

"I thought you might need this."

He smiled at her, hiding the storm of feelings that suddenly infused him. "You sure you remember how to use that?"

She raised her eyebrows, then smiled slightly. "It's hard to forget when your dad's been giving you lessons since you were ten. Have a seat."

He somewhat hesitantly took a seat next to her. What was wrong with him? He'd never been hesitant about anything, certainly not around her. She must have felt it because her voice was light, easing him. "You might have to go back to the caves Jim, there might be one or two rocks you didn't manage to scrape yourself on." Her hands were light as she probed his skin, healing the damage as she knelt on the bed next to him.

"I think you just took me that way because you wanted to see me shirtless."

She smiled slightly. "I have no idea how you came to that conclusion. I wasn't planning on you being here to patch up."

"Well you must be glad I am then. Imagine the guilt that would be on your shoulders knowing I'd be bruised and battered and alone."

She snorted. "I'm sure some poor woman would have taking you in by now."

"But I'm sure she wouldn't have your skill with a dermal regenerator."

She shook her head at him. "That doesn't usually both you. You could add to your scar collection." She traced a long fading scar down his back and he pushed down a wave of heat. He'd got that years ago, during the Regalus disaster. She'd been there then too, and held his hand when Bones had eventually patched him up. Her face told him she remembered. She met his eyes, filled with understanding. "You don't have to keep them all Jim. Dad would remove them if you let him."

He shrugged and grinned. "What and have another reaction to his medicines? Besides, women seem to love them."

She gave him that long direct look so typical of her, suddenly serious, and he knew she didn't believe a word of it. In an unexpected gesture of affection she touched his face. "You know, you don't have to pretend with me Jim. I know why you keep your scars."

He met her eyes. She had no idea of the perilous situation she was putting herself in right now – his self-control was fraying. He stopped himself reaching for her and pulling her into his lap. The difficulty was that it would have been so natural, even now. But he was wearing a towel. Not a good idea.

"And I know why you're still wearing that necklace. I guess we're even."

She sat back on her heels, and he felt a wave of relief. "No, we're not." She stood up and he couldn't miss the sadness on her face. "Come on – you must be starving."

She moved towards the door but he caught her hand without quite thinking. She turned to him in protest, weariness on her face, but before she could speak he stood and pulled her close, hugging her tightly. He felt her freeze again, such contact was no longer as natural for her as it had been, but then she relaxed into him, leaning her forehead on his chest and looping her arms around his back. He stroked the back of her head and felt some tightness that had been building in him ease. She was still Joanna. And he was quite possibly in a great deal of trouble because of exactly that fact. What could he do, when he was simultaneously torn between staying away and keeping her close?

"It's going to be alright, Joanna." He told her.

He felt her sigh, clearly in disbelief, then brushed his chest with her lips. His heart sped suddenly, and she must have felt it, because she released him and was out of the room before he could recover his composure. He sat down on the bed, calming himself. Oh hell. He was not, _not_, going to seduce Joanna McCoy.

_A/N – The song for next chapter is going to be The Middle by Jimmy Eat World (I love that song)._


	16. Lessons About Freedom

15. Lessons About Freedom

_A/N – Hi everyone. Another flash into the past for you. Thanks everyone who has been reviewing, and has me on alert etc. Your support means a lot. Please review if you have a minute – I love to know what you think. Thanks for reading._

It just takes some time

Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride

Everything, everything will be just fine

Everything, everything will be alright.

_The Middle - Jimmy Eat World_

"I've seen the captain feverish, sick, drunk, delirious, terrified, overjoyed, boiling mad. But up to now, I have never seen him red-faced with hysteria." – _Scotty, Turnabout Intruder, TOS_

Stardate: 2266

Jim: Aged 33

Joanna: Aged 17

"Number 136." The number flashed on the screen as the computer sounded its hollow voice into the almost empty waiting room.

Jim ignored it, but the curvy nurse he was sitting with was more attuned to its commands. "I think that might be you." She whispered. Damn, he loved nurses. It was the uniform, paired with that caring nature. It got him every time.

He reluctantly removed his arm from around her waist and checked the paper in his hand. "You're right. I suppose I'll have to go in."

"It'll be fine." She reassured him as a good nurse should. She liked sweet, charming men. That was easy.

He pecked her on the cheek. "Because you said it, I'll believe it."

She giggled and patted him on the cheek. "I'll see you later?"

"An angry battalion of Klingons couldn't stop me." She giggled again and he made his way into the examination room.

The sterile white office contained only one small woman, back to him, loading a hypospray with a practiced hand. "If you want the vaccine you'll need to sit on the bed." She commanded without turning around.

He couldn't help but openly grin. Joanna's usually unruly hair had been tamed into a neat bun at the base of her neck, her white nurses uniform hung spotless on her small frame, and a stack of PADDs suggested she'd had an industrious afternoon.

"You want me to take my shirt off too?"

She spun around at his voice. "Jim!"

"Hello Sassy."

Her face split into a smile and a fought an urge to hug her for being so pleased to see him. "What are you doing here?"

"You mean other than needing to be vaccinated against Tarquelian flu?"

She snorted. "You're allergic."

"How'd you know that?"

"Dad says you're allergic to almost everything sensible."

"Especially him."

She grinned. "I'll tell him you called him sensible."

"Don't give the man a bigger head. He's already puffed up because he managed to simultaneously cure a killer virus and perform emergency surgery on Spock whilst we were under attack from the Klingons."

Joanna shook her head ironically. "Anyone could do that of course."

"Of course." They exchanged a smile but Jim noticed for the first time that there was some heaviness in her eyes, that her smile, though genuine, wasn't as wide as normal. His instincts told him there was something wrong. "So, I heard your shift was up in about three minutes, and I believe I made you a promise about showing you the best places around here."

"Didn't dad say you were meant to be in a meeting with Command all evening?" She raised an eyebrow.

"He must have been mistaken." He'd been in meetings enough. They wouldn't miss him – he argued too much. It was the only way he kept himself awake.

She looked amused. "He must have been. Alright then – if you don't have anything better to do."

"I don't." He reassured her – and that was the truth. There was no one he'd rather spend his shoreleave with than her. "Do you?"

"Nope." She didn't meet his eyes as she disengaged her hypospray.

"Sure?"

She shrugged. "What would I be doing?"

"I don't know. What do seventeen year old girls do? Gossip? Sneak into bars? See their boyfriends?"

She answered shortly. "No." Which was interesting. He'd touched a nerve. He'd have to get to the bottom of that. He led her from the medical building a few minutes later and he knew exactly where he'd take her.

The Starfleet flag was waving on a pole on the highest point of the Academy. The place was rather concrete compared with the greenery of the rest of site, and it was largely shunned by the cadets in his time – but not him. Joanna gave him a quizzical look when he sat down on the ledge of the platform and looked out across the darkening horizon. He could see her trying to work out why this was one of the best places on campus. He suppressed a smile as she analysed the pole, the steps and the view. Then she made the connection, rolled her eyes and took a seat next to him.

"And there was me thinking you loved this place because of the sunset."

"The sunset _is_ lovely."

She snorted. "How romantic of you. The fact you can see into the training pool changing rooms has nothing to do with your love of this place."

He chuckled. It hadn't taken her long. "Well, it helps."

"I bet it does." She shook her head at him. "You did promise to show me all the best places. I suppose I asked for it."

"I'm hurt by your lack of appreciation."

"Sorry. Wait, let me get into it. Woah, that blonde girl with all those curves, she's really something."

He laughed and cringed. "Alright Sassy. Don't bother trying. I'm pretty sure this isn't your sort of thing. Not when there's prettier Vulcans about." She made no reply. Which said everything. "So how is that boyfriend of yours?"

She shrugged. "Not my boyfriend." Her face was schooled to Vulcan blank.

"You broke up?"

"Obviously." Damn. He felt an unusual wave of anger flood through him. He'd better not have broken up with her after sleeping with her.

"When?"

"A couple of weeks ago."

So long? "You never mentioned it in your letters." He said mildly. He sensed her hurt, even beneath the mask. He'd have to be careful. Joanna was a ticking bomb when it came to strong emotions. "What happened?"

"Does it matter?"

"If it hurt you."

She shrugged. "Everyone goes through break-ups, don't they? I'll get over it."

For a moment her words surprise him. Then he realised why. She sounded like him. "You don't have to pretend with me Joanna. We're friends, remember?"

"I remember."

"So tell me the truth."

She scowled, irritated. "It doesn't matter."

"Please Joanna."

"What do you want to know, Jim? How I wasn't Vulcan-enough for him? That we couldn't be together because he wanted to focus on his studies? Studies, that it would seem, involve my roommate?" Her voice wobbled and he felt a wave of pity. Oh hell. Poor Joanna. But she wouldn't want sympathy.

"Toral, huh?"

"Yes, Toral." She snapped at him. Well anger was better than indifference.

"That must suck."

Her large brown eyes reflected hurt. "Yes Jim, it sucks. But since no one has ever broken your heart, I'm sure you don't understand."

He flinched inside, but kept his face blank. "Probably not."

She stood up abruptly, angrily, and walked around the flag a few times. He waited for her patiently, understood her pain. Then she sunk back down next to him, rage gone. "Sorry Jim."

"It's alright." He put an arm around her and pulled her close. He let the sun set and the stars come out before he spoke again. "Are you still sharing a room with Toral?"

She shrugged. "Yes."

"That must be... awkward."

"Not really. She's still my friend."

He was genuinely stunned. "Really?"

She sighed. "Grandma says never let a boy get in the way of true friendship. Toral's been my friend for a long time."

Sometimes she was just like her dad. And times, like right now, she was completely different. "So you're not holding a grudge?"

"What's the point? It's not going to change anything."

He tightened his arm around her. He felt suddenly proud. "No it's not. It's not going to help your broken heart though."

She shrugged. "It's not so bad. I always knew that Japok wasn't right for me. I just... I liked that someone wanted me. It hurt that I was wrong." She sighed, then groaned and put her head in her hands. "I just feel so trapped here."

"Trapped because of Japok?"

"Yes. No. I don't know. Not just him. It's here too. There's always someone telling you what to do, and where to be, and how to act. Sometimes I feel like... I'm suffocating. And no one else notices. They don't seem to mind. Maybe it's just me." But it wasn't just her. He knew exactly what she meant. Because he'd felt the same, exactly the same, when he'd been here.

He stood up. "Come on." He held out his hand and she took it.

"Where are we going?"

"You'll see." It was time Joanna McCoy had a lesson in freedom.

The shuttlebay was fairly quiet at this time of night. He waved off the enthusiastic salutes of various staff that made Joanna's eyes roll and amused him endlessly, and made his way to his favourite launch pad.

It took him several moments to find the pair of legs protruding from under the runabout. "How's she doing, Scotty?"

Montgomery Scott pulled himself out from under the ship looking grimy, bemused and cheerful. "What are you doing here captain?"

"I thought we'd take a look."

He offered him a hand up. There was no one quite like Scotty. It was near impossible to distract him, and he'd certainly tried over the last few years. Sometimes he had a suspicion that the man didn't live in quite the same reality he did, and therefore things in this one were blunted by the terrifying realities of his world of science. The engineer wiped his hands distantly, mind still on an engine, before he actually notice who was with him. He looked surprised.

"Oh, hello Joanna. Look at you. You're all grown up. When did that happen?"

"I suppose it crept up on her." Jim supplied, to Joanna's amusement.

She kissed him on his dirty cheek. "Hi Scotty."

"You are school here now?"

"Yep."

"Glad to hear it. Good place, the Academy. Lots of time for experimentation. You tell that Professor Starlt that I was his best student after all."

Joanna smiled. "I think everyone knows you were his best student."

"Everyone eh? Imagine that. Well you've come at a good time. I was just finishing her up. The Academy bunch said she wouldn't run again, but they're always so dramatic. Lads, I told them, she's just depressed, you've been working her too hard. Just give her some T.L.C and she'll dance again, you wait. They laughed, but we'll see who's laughing tomorrow. The head of engineering's going to owe me another bottle of Scotch."

He'd been working on runabout 26 as a favour to him. "So she'll fly?"

"Aye, captain. Isn't that what I said?"

Jim exchanged a glance with Joanna, who looked amused. "Why this shuttle Scotty? Shouldn't you be working on the Enterprise upgrades?"

"Och, I had them done days ago. But everyone knows how much the captain loves this runabout, and when she was damaged, well I could hardly say no." Jim realised he sounded the same way Bones did, when he couldn't turn down a patient. He supposed it was the same thing to an engineer.

"Is that so?" Joanna turned her curious brown eyes on him and he found himself blushing slightly when he met them. Which was ridiculous.

"We've had some good times together, me and her. I used her regularly while I was at the Academy." And he wasn't the sort of person who forgot what she'd meant to him, even after he'd moved on to bigger ships.

Her eyes were still boring through him. "Why?"

He shrugged. "Just needed to get away." She looked surprised, then smiled that smile that went to her eyes and warmed him. They were the same, him and her. "So Scotty, can we take her for a spin?"

"A spin? I've only just fixed her captain." The engineer was indignant.

"Is that a yes?"

He chuckled. "Aye, but you're taking me with you. I'm not having you scratch her up."

He could have ordered him away, he supposed. But it was shoreleave, and neither of them were on duty. Besides, Scotty, was great company for a sad Joanna.

"Fine. You get authorization, and I'll start her up."

Scotty muttered something like "They like me better, don't they." Which could have been a reference to border control, the Academy or the runabouts themselves – who knew with him?

Joanna was examining the ship with an excited look. "Are we really taking her up?"

"Sure. Climb aboard." She grinned and obediently moved into the ship.

She was just as he remembered. Of course, Runabout 26 wasn't his, and had been used by numerous cadets over the years if the graffiti on the ceiling was to be believed. But while he'd been here he'd constructed a nice little program that made her misbehave with everyone else, ensuring he got sole usage. That, together with the lovely Lieutenant Bates who ensured he always got permission to take her out, made sure that he had freedom when he needed it.

Joanna was examining the names engraved on the ceiling when he took the captain's chair.

"George Kirk." She read the name out slowly. It had been tucked under one of the uplights, engraved in a steady hand. He hadn't expected her to notice. It had taken him several jumps with other pilots for him to see it. "Your dad?" She turned her curious eyes on him.

"Yep."

She came and sat down beside him. It made him nervous. He didn't want her questions, knew exactly what conclusion she'd draw from this information. But instead of the usual inquisition she just smiled. "Well, I knew it was old, since you used to fly it, but this runabout must be really ancient, if your dad used it too. I probably should have some reservations about going up in her."

"Do you?" He asked her.

She gave him a soft look. "Of course not. Not when I'm with you."

He wasn't sure what to say to that. He gave her a smile and initiated the engines. And then he knew he shouldn't be the one flying her today. "Have you ever flown before?"

"No." It surprised him, but he supposed that Bones would hardly encourage flying lessons, and her mother... well her mother had to remember she existed first. He'd been taught to fly illegally at the tender age of 7 or 8 by one of his better stepfathers (the one who had been a smuggler). After the divorce, he'd taught himself whenever he was presented with an opportunity. By the time he'd reached the Academy he could fly almost every ship he came across.

"Want to learn?"

Joanna's eyes widened and she took the seat next to him. "You'll teach me?"

"If you want."

She smiled at him like he'd just promised her the world. It made him feel warm inside. "I do."

"Well that's all sorted." Scotty boarded the ship and interrupted the moment. "It was like pulling teeth from a purita. We've got an hour."

"Excellent work. Let's take her up." He'd decided it was probably best to inform Scotty he was giving flying lessons after they were in space.

He took off smoothly, remembering the shuttle's quirks vividly. Joanna watched his hands with complete absorption. He was fairly sure she'd be able to recite every movement he'd make afterwards – but flying was more than a sequence of actions. She'd learn that soon enough. He stopped the shuttle near Mars and switched off the engines.

"Alright, your turn Sassy."

"You're giving lessons now captain?" Scotty was frowning.

"Yes Scotty I am." He gave the man a look. He wasn't going to have an argument. Clearly Scott saw that in his eyes because he sat down and pulled out a PADD.

"Well don't scratch the paintwork. I've just given her a new coat."

He gave an amused look to Joanna and they swapped places, sitting her in the captain's seat.

"Alright, let's go over the controls."

He taught her the meaning of the flashing lights, the controls at her fingertips, and then how to use the thrusters. She was surprisingly hesitant when it came to the doing part.

"Just ease her forwards – there we go." She moved forwards using the thrusters, shooting worried looks to him. "It's fine Joanna. You're doing good. What are you worried about?"

She frowned at him. "Crashing into Mars and killing us all."

He laughed. He couldn't help it. "Well there's that – but we're pretty far away. You need to start trusting yourself."

She shrugged, looking sceptical. "Alright then." She turned the ship neatly, put in a heading towards Pluto and began to ease them forwards.

"That's not so bad. Let's use the engine now, shall we."

"If you say so..." She fired her up, and they shot forwards so quickly his head hit the panel in front.

"Ease off Joanna, ease off." He attempted to keep his voice calm as Pluto came up very quickly. Oh damn. She killed the engines just as quickly as she'd fired them and his head hit again. He was going to have a bad case of whiplash tomorrow. Scotty was muttering to himself in the back, but wasn't shouting at least. He took a deep breath and righted himself.

"Sorry." Joanna said in a small voice. He glanced at her. She was looking upset. He patted her on the back.

"Not to worry. You just need some practice. Remember the panel is very sensitive – you only need to make gentle movements to speed her up and down. Let's try again. Gentle movements."

She gave him a sceptical look, but obediently restarted the engines. He held his breath involuntarily but the shuttle eased forwards. Thank goodness.

"That's good lass." Scotty murmured from behind them. Clearly he felt she needed all the encouragement she could get. "There we are now, just ease her to a nice pace."

Joanna relaxed slightly and sped up. She was improving at least. They moved out of the solar system and into empty space.

"Alright, now correct the heading."

The girl's hands moved across the panel, and he fine tuned for her. He had to say, she was good at multi-tasking.

"Shall I turn around?" She glanced at him.

"No, let's give you some more practice." She certainly needed it. "Keep going."

She flew for thirty minutes, deeper into space. She improved slightly, but she was still stop-start, and sat rigid, anxious and perspiring. After about ten minutes he knew that flying... well, it wasn't quite the same for her as it was for him. She didn't feel the ship in the same way. She needed to relax, to let the ship do her part too. Joanna had a problem trusting her, letting go of some of that control. Of course, it had been easy for him, since he'd never felt in control in the first place. He was about to tell her just that. Then a light he'd never expected to see here started to flash.

Joanna frowned. "Jim, isn't that the warning light for-."

"_Impending impact._" The computer confirmed.

His heart stopped and restarted in triple time as he assessed the screens. "_Dive_." He ordered her, and she reacted immediately, sending them into a spiralling nose dive. The blast rocked the ship, grazing the hull, throwing them all forwards.

"What the hell was that?" Joanna pulled herself up. Her nose was bleeding, but she didn't appear to notice, panic overriding her other senses.

"They're firing at us. They're not supposed to be firing at us." Scotty was ranting from behind them.

"Who's firing at us Scotty?" He attempted to pull the situation under control as he initiated the shields and weapons, then remembered the training vessels only contained dummies.

"There's a training exercise. Didn't I say?"

He suppressed a wave of irritation at his engineer. He scanned the area and indeed found twelve Peregrine class fighters. Oh hell. "Why are they firing on our ship? We have Federation plates."

He heard the engineer laugh nervously. "Knew I forgot to put something back."

"But we're broadcasting-."

"Nope."

"_Scotty_." The communicators were down too?

"No problem captain – I'll just-."

"Sort it. NOW." The engineer unbelted himself and attacked a panel with the zeal of someone who understood what would happen if they didn't make contact.

"Jim?" Joanna's voice was surprisingly calm. He met her eyes and resisted a sudden strange urge to stroke her face in comfort. He pulled out his handkerchief and removed the blood from her face.

"It's alright Sassy. I'll need the-." He would have asked her to transfer the controls, but the light flashed again. "Evasive manoeuvres."

She clearly caught the gist, had been on his bridge enough times, because she accelerated hard and sent them reeling into a series of rolls and loops that threw Scott about like a ragdoll and disorientated him completely. She clearly had no idea what she was doing and was barely in control of the ship. He realised he was having palpitations. Nothing like being chased by photon torpedoes in a ship piloted by a girl on her first lesson to remind you how to be scared. The rational part of him, produced by years of action in the field, noticed that the warning lights was still blinking. They should have lost the torpedoes by now.

"Scotty, what exactly are they shooting at us?" He managed to get out.

The engineer had managed to get a grip on the back of his seat. "Prototype photons. They track their target."

He translated what he was saying. "They're not going to stop until they hit us?"

"Aye, that's the-." Joanna made a hard deceleration and he lost the rest of the engineer's words.

He thought quickly. "Joanna, swing us about. Head towards Earth."

"Back towards our solar system?" She gave him a perturbed look. True, photon torpedoes near Earth were probably not the best of ideas, but he was out of any other. He gave headings to the computer.

"Follow the plotted course."

"I can't and keep them off us." She said through gritted teeth as she looped again. It was true – even an experienced pilot would struggle. Frankly, it was a miracle they hadn't been hit again.

"Alright. Keep your hands on that panel."

She shot him a wide-eyed look as moved towards her, picked her up around the waist, and deposited her small body on his lap. He slipped his hands under hers and took over the controls. The ship reacted with recognition to his presence. And then this fight was on.

He incoming targets were mapped on the computer screen in front of him, five in total, and he outflew them easily and circled Pluto, then Haumea and moved deeper into the Kuiper Belt. He used the asteroids to pick off two of the torpedoes, but noticed that two more were fired in place.

"Scott, get that communicator working." He put out a distress call and hoped they other pilots would use some common sense.

"Almost there captain."

An asteroid moved right into his field, and he had to evade hard, forcing him into the path of a missile. He avoided it as best he could, but it caught his left wing and sent them spiralling, Joanna forced hard against his chest. He managed to correct, but levelling was problematic, and the asteroid belt was non-negotiable when she was so damaged. He pulled out, towards Neptune, and attempted to shake off the remaining torpedoes.

Joanna was rigid on his lap. "Jupiter?" She suggested. "We can use its gravity."

Any idea was better than none at this point. "Plot a course."

She nodded and slipped under his arm and off his lap surprisingly gracefully. She appeared to know what she was doing, which was somewhat reassuring as he struggled to keep them from being destroyed by asteroids, an absent engine and photon torpedoes. He followed her headings and Jupiter grew larger in the viewscreen.

"Got it captain." Scotty shouted from somewhere on the floor.

He didn't hesitate. "Starfleet ships, this is Starfleet Academy Runabout twenty-six. Disengage. I repeat disengage." He had to repeat himself three times before gaining contact.

"Runabout, please confirm your location."

Jim growled in irritation as he pulled them hard left to avoid a gaining torpedo, throwing them all. Joanna took over naturally, reciting their position. "Disengage. We have five photon torpedoes in pursuit. Please disengage."

"Runabout, we are disengaging. Stand-by."

"Easy for him to say." Muttered Scotty.

"Damn right." Joanna replied with a scowl. "They're getting closer Jim. You need to do it now."

He pulled the runabout closer to Jupiter. He could only go so far – with one engine he didn't want to risk being unable to pull out of the gravitational field. Thankfully their mass counted in their favour, and the torpedoes were pulled off course, into the gaseous mass of Jupiter, crushed into oblivion. The runabout began to shake as he fought the pull. He gritted his teeth.

"Captain she's going to fall apart." Scotty was panting behind him.

"She'll hold." He knew this ship. "Joanna, transfer the power from the shields to the engines." He was going to need it.

Joanna obeyed and all at once they pulled free. Jim powered down once they were a safe distance. He heard Scotty breathe a sigh of relief and sit down heavily behind them.

"Well." He said as the giddy feeling built in his chest. "I'd let you try and land, but I think we might need a tow." He met the large eyes of the girl next to him and couldn't help but burst into laughter. She eyed him for a moment with raised eyebrows, then slowly began to laugh with him.

"Worst. Lesson. Ever." She gasped. It had been. No doubt about it. He was never allowing her to fly again. He laughed so hard his eyes watered. Joanna wiped her face and tried to breathe. "Why was I expecting a lesson from you to be normal?"

"Admit it, you feel alive." Nothing like a near-death experience to make you appreciate things.

She grinned. "I do." She spread her arms. "I'm alive." She shouted, which made him laugh harder.

"You're both bloody mad." Scotty said calmly from the back. "Though that was a nice bit of flying, captain. And you Lass... well, you can only improve. Now I need a whiskey."

It didn't take very long to get home after that. He'd never seen a flight commander so apologetic. There was only so much grovelling he could take so after a while he tried to make him feel better by pointing out it was good practice for him, and at least Joanna wouldn't forget today's lesson. He did however accept help for Scotty to fix her up. The engineer all but ran from the ship after landing. He wasn't sure whether he was running from Joanna's flying, or getting away before Jim could rebuke him for his forgetfulness. He had a feeling it was the former rather than the latter.

"Well..." Joanna said calmly as they walked out of the shuttlebay. The moon was large in the sky, and stars were clear in the cloudless sky. "That certainly puts things in perspective."

He put an arm around her small shoulders and said the thing he'd been thinking all evening. "Japok is an idiot."

She sighed, but smiled slightly. "You have to say that."

"Probably. It's still the truth."

She leaned her head against his chest. "No it's not." She said wearily. "Don't pretend that you were surprised. I could see it in your face."

Well, he couldn't lie – not to her. He hadn't been surprised. The Vulcan had been wrong for her. "You'll find someone better, Joanna. Someone who's right for you."

She glanced at him in the darkness. Her eyes were sad. Far too sad for a sixteen year old girl with her whole life ahead of her. "Maybe. But they'd have to love me back – and there lies the problem."

"What's not to love... excellent flying skills... fiery temper... short stature... Seems to me you've got plenty going for you."

She rolled her eyes. "You know, some men like short women."

"Yes – short men."

She smiled. "Shut up."

He hugged her tighter to him. "Alright, not true. I've been with plenty of short women."

"So short men, and those compensating."

He snorted. "I'll have you know I have no need to compensate."

She gave him an arch look. "Depends on what you're compensating for."

She was beginning to make him blush – mostly because he didn't want to go there. "Shut up kid."

"Don't call me kid."

"Alright Sassy."

They smiled at one another in the moonlight, and Jim felt a wave of something warm. He paused and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear before he recognised what the feeling was. Then he dropped his hand quickly. Because that was so, so wrong. He quickly reassured himself that it was just because she was sad – and such feelings were his usual response to sad women. She was Joanna, and he would never kiss her.

"Jim?" Joanna was looking at him curiously. "Are you alright?"

"Fine." He put an arm back around her and kept walking. "Just imagining what your dad will do to me if I tell him about your flying lesson." He lied.

Joanna gave him a probing look that he avoided, but went along with it. "I don't think we should tell him. It will only confirm every one of his concerns – and he'd never get in a shuttle again."

"What he doesn't know can't hurt him." Jim agreed.

They moved towards the blocks of accommodation that Joanna must be living in. He realised he was walking her home. The idea amused him. He'd never walked a girl home before and not stayed the night. Jim Kirk was going to be a gentleman for the first time. Then a familiar voice forced the amusement from his mind.

"Captain Kirk?" Oh damn.

He turned to find the pretty nurse – Veronica? - from earlier regarding him with a frown. It hadn't occurred to him she'd live here too. Of course, this was where he was supposed to be meeting her. She was looking between him and Joanna with narrowed eyes. Well, there went his bed for the night.

"Nurse Simmonds." Joanna said before he could speak. "You know my Uncle Jim?"

What the hell was she doing? He hadn't been her 'Uncle' Jim since she was eight. It felt... wrong. But hell, he'd grab the lifebelt she'd just thrown him. He gave the older nurse his best innocent look. "I'm glad you're here, Veronica. I was just telling Joanna about you. Is she one of your cadets?"

"Yes. She's your niece?" She didn't look entirely convinced. Jim subtlety dropped his arm from around her.

"Yep. My only one."

"Uncle Jim came to cheer me up." Joanna supplied, helping him out. "I've been having _boy_ problems." Her eyes became teary. Wow, Joanna was quite the little actress too. "That is, I got broken up with, and you know, Uncle Jim's so nice. He wanted to help me out, you know?"

She played right to the nurse's nature. Veronica was sold. "Of course. Poor you, Joanna. Of course you want your family around. Is there anything I can do?"

Joanna brushed a fake tear from her face. He tried to make sense of why she'd help him. She'd been so annoyed on Cerberus. But she was growing up. Maybe she understood now. Who knew Joanna would become his wingman? "No – but that's very kind. I'll be okay. Uncle Jim's reassured me that the right boy's out there somewhere." She gave her a look of over-exaggerated bravery, complete with trembling lip. "Well I was just going home anyway. You both have a good night. See you later Uncle Jim."

"See you later Joanna."

She gave him a small smile, and he realised that some of the sadness in her eyes might not be as fake as he had thought. And then she turned and walked away.

"Poor thing." The nurse said sympathetically beside him. "It's harder when you're young."

"Yes." He agreed. And then he realised he couldn't leave things like that. "I'll be right back."

He hurried after Joanna, and called her name. She turned and he wordlessly hugged her, lifting her off the floor. She hugged him back just as tightly.

"It's going to be alright Joanna." She buried her face in his neck and he stroked her neat hair. She felt like Joanna, reassuring, and he felt her pain as his own. An image flashed into his mind, a sense of familiarity with the feeling of her in his arms. He knew then that something was very wrong. But he didn't let go.

_A/N – Alrighty, the song for next chapter is Let's Take a Drive by Christian Kane. I'd already written half this chapter before I heard it for the first time, and it is, in a word, perfect – so perfect that I named this chapter for it. Thanks for reading._


	17. Omicron

16. Omicron

_A/N – Apologies that it has taken me so long to update – I've a lot on at the moment, and not too much time to write. However, this is the longest chapter yet, so hopefully that makes it up to you! Thank you again for reading, and please take the time to review – it gives me the enthusiasm to write faster, I assure you. And now, back to our heroes... _

So he's gone and left you all alone?

You think the better of your years

Were spent with him.

The little girl who used to dance

On fire and brimstone

Is all but dead.

You can say that cat is long gone

I bet you look real hard

You can find that girl within

She's probably waiting in the wings

For you to come along.

To let her out again.

_Let's Take A Drive – Christian Kane_

"I intend to continue the search. Foot by foot, inch by inch, by candlelight if necessary, until the last possible moment!" _James T. Kirk – The Galileo Seven, TOS_

Stardate: 2269

Jim: Aged 36

Joanna: Aged 20

Joanna was dreaming. She was perfectly aware she was, but as always lacked the power to wake herself. Instead she was drawn into the nightmare, that same nightmare, down the corridor that haunted her. Her heart pumped hard and her breath came in short bursts as she stood at the end and regarded the door. The corridor itself was not unique. There were hundreds just the same across the facility – white walls, bright lighting, no windows. But this one was different. She'd seen everyone walk down this corridor before her – her entire class. They'd trained together for three months, but she knew few of them well. She was the youngest, the protégé, the nurse. She knew all their stories - she'd hacked the mainframe in the medical bay on her third day looking for answers. But few actually spoke much to her. They kept their distance from her and she from them. Except one woman – Lorus. She was a blonde, middle-aged woman, talented, resourceful and intelligent. She'd been second in command of the USS Huntingdon when they'd been attacked by Romulans and disobeyed a direct order to shoot down the vessel to save the life of her chief engineer, her lover, captured on an away-mission. She'd been court-martialled, and offered an ultimatum – the Stockade or S.I. She'd chosen the S.I. Unlike Joanna she'd had no idea what that job would come to involve. More the fool her for accepting blindly, she'd said to Joanna. She'd become a friend, or some semblance of a friend, in the hours they'd trained together. She said Joanna reminded her of her little sister. She watched out for her, taught her things she'd never needed to learn in her eighteen years – how to make explosives, how to find water on a barren planet, how to build a beacon from parts of a phaser. Joanna had come to like her. She had watched with concern when Lorus had been called to walk down that corridor as the others had. She'd seen what the others had been like, and hadn't wanted her to change. But she too had been different when she'd come back three days later. She was withdrawn then, hard and cold. But she had come back. Others didn't.

Finally Joanna had faced that corridor. She had thought whatever she faced couldn't be any harder then what she'd already done. They'd trained her to kill. They'd told her that Starfleet didn't have assassins, of course not, that it would violate the Prime Directive, but defence was necessary. Defence of what they hadn't specified. Clearly they were meant to interpret that in their own way. A month before, they'd attempted to violate her mind, to break her down the way the enemy would. But Lotoc had trained her too well. She had resisted in an unprecedented way for a Human, fought back and into the mind of her attacker. But she'd seen some of the others broken. That was the substance of other nightmares. So no, she hadn't thought what was down that corridor could be any worse than what she'd been through. She had been wrong.

Now she walked that corridor with heavy steps, fear sitting like lead in her stomach. She hadn't expected the team in the room, an Orion and several Humans. They undressed her and circled her naked form, assessing her tattoo and the pendant around her neck, examining her hair, her nails, her skin. She switched off her mind as they prepared her, showed her how to apply her make-up, her clothes, her hair, making her do it over again until she could do it all in her sleep. They instructed her how to select clothes, what would attract who, how to make herself look older, younger, seductive. In reality it hadn't been that bad – but in the nightmare she knew what was coming, and every movement of the team, every brush of her hair, sent fear down her spine. Time past – it had been two days in reality - in her dreams if felt like forever. Then she was pushed out of the room into an office. There sat Admiral Brooks.

The emotions she felt when she saw the man were mixed, so she settled on anger. She lifted her chin defiantly, viewed the old man with narrowed eyes. He didn't look as amused as he usually did. He looked surprised.

"Well, Joanna. They've certainly cleaned you up well. You look beautiful." She stood unmoved. She wasn't beautiful. Her make-up, her clothes, her hair were. She knew the difference. So she waited. "I have an assignment for you. Complete this and you'll be well on your way to getting out of here." He didn't have to say what would happen if she failed. He slid her over a PADD. "Here is your mark." She refused to look. She screamed in her mind, trying to warn herself but this Joanna was stronger than that, and remained stationary. "My analysts don't seem to think that you can manage this. They think you're too young. I told them they were wrong."

"What do you want me to do?" She found her voice.

"Seduce him. He's a smuggler. Find out who he's working for."

"That's all?"

"That's all." This was the SI. That was never all.

And suddenly her dream self was walking into that hotel room. Her hands shook, she swallowed bile, but she couldn't stop her feet walking forwards. She slipped into the room, dress rippling around her legs. The man had his back to her, his long ponytail grey, balder than the last time she'd seen him and fear gripped her. But it couldn't be. Was this the nightmare, or had this happened? Reality and dream merged into to one and the man turned and she screamed and screamed as Joanna moved forwards and became someone else.

She awoke sitting, gasping for breath, scream still on her lips.

"Joanna?" She was reaching for her knife before she recognised who the voice belonged to. Jim. It was Jim. He was in the bed beside her. Of course he was.

"Nightmare." She managed to get out, forcing her breathing to calm.

"What about?" He asked with concern, sitting up next to her, turning to scrutinise her face.

There was gentle light coming in through the window. His hair was tousled, his eyes clear and deep like the ocean. She couldn't shift the sickness in her stomach. She didn't consider lying to him. "Training." She saw him reach out to her, but she couldn't be touched, not now. She got out of bed and did what she always did when she was upset. She went and stood in the shower.

The shower had been a teaching exercise, like most things were in the facility. Early into their training they'd been told to find a method of respite – some way of dealing with the stress that there job would involve without compromising themselves. It was to be a secret, except to their handler. In other words, it would be a way for their handlers to control them – the cynical part of her knew that immediately. So she did what she was good at – she lied. Her way of dealing with the stress had already been her letters, those letters she'd written to Jim about her mythical life on the Starbase. But she wasn't going to let anyone know about them. Jim was her secret, someone she had to protect from the SI. So when she'd faced her handler she'd cleared her mind and told him the first thing that had come into her head. The shower. He'd seemed pleased with her response. However, as time passed, she'd learnt that there was indeed value in it. She'd begun to use the shower more and the letters less as the pain built up. No one could see her cry in the shower.

Slowly she began to clear her mind from the terror of the night. She pulled up her defences, put her mind through her meditation exercises and the horses back into the stables. She felt significantly calmer as she towelled herself off. And then she remembered Jim. Oh hell. What would he think? It had been a bad, bad idea to get into bed with him again last night. She should have slept on the couch. And yet she hadn't been able to resist. She hadn't thought she'd get another opportunity. She liked him in her bed, even with the pillow between them. She could convince herself that he might not leave again. Or that she would leave him.

She let herself out of the bathroom and was unsurprised to see that Jim was out of bed already. She dressed quickly, then packed a bag. They wouldn't be able to stay here for another night. They'd be all over this place soon. She was surprised that they hadn't come overnight – but the columns were a nightmare in the dark – she'd ensured that.

A strangely familiar smell assaulted her as she moved down the stairs. For a moment she couldn't place it. She walked into the kitchen and found Jim at the stove and Hy'Lar seated watching him. Well there was a sight she didn't see every day.

"Sit down Joanna." Jim commanded, back still to her. She obediently took a seat next to Hy'Lar, somewhat bemused. Already that control she'd worked hard to rebuild was beginning was waver.

"What are you making?" She asked curiously. But she already knew the answer. There was only one thing that Jim Kirk could cook outside of Starfleet rations. Thankfully she liked it, although maybe just because she associated it with him.

"Breakfast."

She couldn't help the smile that came to her lips. "Ktarian eggs?"

He poured the eggs onto the toast and laid it in front of her. "With dillweed."

"My favourite."

"I know." He smiled at her and she felt her face warm in its rays. She'd expected questions from him, or perhaps pity, as Hy'Lar had the first night she had woken him up with the strong emotions she was unable to control in her sleep. Not this. Somehow he always knew how to make things alright. She fought a childish urge to wrap her arms around him in thanks that he'd allowed her to keep her dignity. Instead she contemplated her food.

"Eat up. I assume we'll be leaving soon." Jim said sagely as he began to clean up. Good grief. Just when she thought she found her feet with the man, he threw her another curveball. She would be a fool to ever underestimate James T. Kirk.

She exchanged a glance with Hy'Lar, who looked surprisingly accepting of the man he'd been calling her downfall the previous night. Cleary feeding her was winning him around. Traitor.

She ate her eggs slowly. They were good, and filled her stomach nicely. Jim wolfed down his portion, then jogged upstairs to pack with his typical early morning energy. She felt Hy'Lar's eyes on her. Clearly her nightmares had woken him up again.

"Are you well?" The man said softly.

She nodded. "Fine. It wasn't so bad, don't worry."

The Mazarite cocked his head to her lie, but simply said: "Your friend did not react as I anticipated."

"He rarely does."

"He comforts you." It was a statement she couldn't refute and didn't try.

"He's had a lot of practice over the years."

"As have you with him." Another statement. One she had no response to. One she wanted to believe very much.

"Have you packed what you need?"

"Of course. You have considered-."

"That this might be a trap. Of course I have. But I need to follow this."

"Is the meeting not enough?"

"No. Not anymore."

"You want to bring them all down? Joanna, it is too much – even you must see that. You are remarkable, there is no doubt, but you are one woman." One woman against so many unseen forces. Forces she didn't even understand completely yet. He was probably right. But what choice did she have?

"I have to try."

The Mazarite shook his head. "I am not sure you have really thought about what will happen if you do."

"_All_ I can think about is what will happen if I do. And what will happen if I don't." Breakwater was alive. Alive and scared. And if he was scared, she should be terrified.

The man sighed. "I understand. But I do not want to see you killed for this."

"Can you think of something better to die for?"

The being gave her a weary look, but said nothing more. Perhaps her suicidal tendencies had finally exhausted him. She felt bad for him – he deserved better than to look after a woman who was going to get herself killed one way of another. She didn't want to hurt him. She'd told him to leave several times. But he never did. He was as alone as she was.

"I'm sorry, Hy'Lar."

He touched her hand. "Do not be. I will prepare our transport." He moved out slowly, his damaged leg bothering him, but hiding his limp well. She watched him leave and drank her orange juice. Its happy colour taunted her. When did her life become so complicated? Why had she got into bed with Jim last night? He'd already seen too much yesterday, after taking him to the Stockade. She should have kept her distance. She'd planned to do just that. She'd meditated, then gone through the file Julie had given her. It had unsettled her so much she should have meditated again. Instead she'd walked upstairs, told Jim to shift from the warm side of the bed, and gone to sleep, comforted by his presence. It was a stupid thing to do. Because if she kept this up he would wear her down and she would start to trust him. He was well on his way. Experience had taught her that was not a sensible thing to do. And yesterday there had been a moment... A moment where she'd seen that heat in his eyes and thought... she wasn't sure. That he wanted to kiss her? Was she imagining things? Seeing things she wanted to see? Kissing Jim - that would be catastrophic of course. Things were complicated enough when she couldn't switch off her feelings for him. But he was still the man who'd abandoned her. And her father's best friend. It would definitely be catastrophic.

"We off, Sassy?" Jim broke her thoughts with a smile. He'd made her breakfast. What was she meant to make of that? She regarded him seriously, heaviness in her chest. He still hadn't asked where they were going. That meant he'd already guessed. Jim could often see an entire picture with only a few puzzle pieces – it was what made him an excellent captain, that perceptiveness. She'd have to be careful. If he even guessed what was going on...

"Yep. Are you ready?"

He nodded, watching her face carefully. Well there was nothing to see. Or talk about. "Are you?"

"As I'll ever be." She finished off her juice, activated her back-up security systems, and led him out the back door.

Hy'Lar was waiting for them with their transport. "Really Sassy? How many vehicles do you own?" Jim commented when the landspeeder met his eyes.

She smiled slightly. "One for every occasion."

"And today's occasion is..?"

"Flee-before-people-come-and-shoot-me Day."

"Ah, a personal favourite." Jim said dryly. "I'm finding it's becoming a regular holiday these days."

It was becoming a daily one for her. "Grandma says you can make every day a holiday with your attitude."

"Explains a lot." He gave her an amused look. "Is he driving?" He indicated to Hy'Lar with a frown.

"Yep. No complaining."

Jim shot her a 'I never complain' look that made her snort, but he got into the speeder without a word. Hy'Lar shot him a dirty look, but also refrained from comment. Well at least they were back to enemies. She found Hy'Lar's dislike of the man was keeping her balanced.

She put her thoughts in order as they moved across the desert. Hy'Lar had been busy last night, arranging things. It wasn't very easy to move undetected across the universe, despite the amount of empty space. There were people watching everywhere. She'd have to cash in a favour to get them across the galaxy as far as they needed to go. Plus, she needed to be back in five days for her meeting on Surata II. She was going to be running this tight. They needed to travel quickly. And there was only one species she could think of that would allow them to travel so fast. She needed the Vulcans.

Hy'Lar had arranged the meeting last night. It had been a risk, but a balanced one. No Vulcan would help Antonia Salvatori, but Joanna McCoy... that was a different story. There were benefits to being schooled on Cerberus.

"We're here." Hy'Lar commented quietly. They were in a part of desert she hadn't been before. Hy'Lar had ensured it was one of the few places on the planet where they'd be invisible for a brief window. Something to do with satellite trajectories and magnetic fields that she didn't understand. She didn't care to as long as it worked.

She nodded. "Stay here."

Jim clearly didn't think she was addressing him, since he got out with her. She sighed but made no comment. There was no stopping him. At least Vulcans knew how to keep secrets. This one in particular.

He kept close as she moved to the specified location. Perhaps he was worried about attack. She didn't blame him, but there was nothing concerning her right now other than who she was about to face. Right on time the Vulcan beamed down to meet her.

"You have to be joking me." Jim muttered. "Isn't that-?"

"Not a word." Joanna warned him, and went to meet Professor Calros.

The Vulcan looked the same as he had over the years he was her headmaster - white hair that showed his great age, pointed ears, and a face that she was sure had never smiled in its life. He was a scientist, and she had no doubt tested his Vulcan patience to the limit by regularly forcing him to interrupt his experiments to discipline her. She had spent the best part of her years resenting him, disobeying him, and where ever possible undermining his authority. She thought he'd done everything to make her life difficult, limiting, and unbearable on Cerberus – and Joanna McCoy had never liked restraints. It wasn't until later, after she'd left, that she'd understood that he'd been protecting her.

"Joanna McCoy." The man gave her a nod, then turned to her companion. "Captain Kirk." His face was entirely emotionless, as if Jim's presence was nothing out of the ordinary. Some day she would love to make him show surprise. So far she hadn't got even an eyebrow out of line, and she'd had years of practice.

"Professor. I appreciate you meeting me at short notice." He inclined his head and waited. "I need to borrow a ship."

"I see."

He still had that ability to make her squirm. "It's important." Somehow she'd earned his respect in those years for staying at that school, for changing his views on Humans. And then she'd saved his life. That had counted for something too. They were part of the reason why she was willing to ask this of him.

"Of that I have no doubt."

Damn. She hated having to grovel. "Human technology will not be able to fulfil my needs under my time constraints."

The Vulcan eyed her levelly. "Is your handler aware of this request?" He was another of her memorised list of people who were aware of her occupation. She'd discovered he also disliked her handler as much as it was possible for a Vulcan to feel a baser emotion.

She shook her head. "No."

"Very well. I have not forgotten I am in your debt. There is a shuttle in orbit. You may use it as long as necessary."

"Thank you."

He nodded. "It is nothing." His gaze shifted from her to Jim but made no comment as to his presence. She had developed the impression over the years that he rather liked the captain. He'd never disciplined her for her outspoken views on his actions at any rate. He passed her his wrist attachment. "You can fly it?"

"No, but Captain Kirk can." If he couldn't he'd work it out. She'd seen Jim fly far more complex vessels than the Vulcan ships.

He nodded, accepting her word without question. He paused, looking at her directly, clearly weighing up whether to say something more. She waited impatiently. Finally he said: "I have seen Lotoc."

She felt anxiety squeeze like a vice in her stomach. That was something that she could not discuss now. Especially not in front of Jim, who was looking between them, gauging her reaction. Damn. "I see."

The Vulcan understood and said nothing more. Instead he raised his hand in the Vulcan dismissal. "Live long and prosper, Joanna McCoy. And you, James Kirk."

She copied his actions, with a nod of gratitude. With a single Vulcan word into a communicator the man was beamed away, leaving them in the desert, once again alone.

"Joanna?" Jim said calmly.

"Yep?" She turned back towards Hy'Lar, ready to unload their packs.

"Is there anyone in your life that doesn't owe you a favour?" She didn't dignify him with an answer. "Really?" She scowled at him. She didn't appreciate his questions. Most of those supposed debts had just happened – and she'd never wanted people to owe her anything, never even considered their words until she'd joined the SI. However it was times like this it was necessary to use what she had. Scruples were for someone else less desperate.

She pushed away her irritation. "Let's go Kirk." He frowned but picked up his pack with ease.

A few minutes later they stood on the small deck of the T'Plana Hath as Jim surveyed the controls in the cockpit with all the excitement of a child at Christmas. She tried to ignore him, tried to stay irritated, but felt an inadvertent smile come to her lips as she watched him unseen from the cargo hold. She'd always loved his enthusiasm, the way his blue eyes lit up in excitement, his strange affection for inanimate objects - even if she envied such objects for attracting his devotion when no living being could. He was murmuring endearments to the computer as his hands stroked down the panel, running diagnostics and checking the specs. The ship was already humming in response. She felt Hy'Lar's eyes on her, seeing far more than her blank face, and quickly took the seat next to Jim.

"You know, she's a Vulcan ship, Jim. She won't appreciate such endearments."

"Every lady loves the endearments. Even Vulcan women, trust me."

She determinedly ignored the feeling those words produced and shrugged. "You would know." He smiled at her, and she even more determinedly ignored the heat in her chest that that smile produced. Damn it. He must know what that smile did to her and every other damn women in the damn universe. "Are you finished flirting with the ship now, or are you planning on spending the night?" She bit angrily.

He laughed at her and ran a hand down her hair thoughtlessly. A tremor ran through her that she couldn't quite conceal and it made her furious. He had no right to keep touching her – and she had no right to want him to.

"Alright let's get going. Omicron, right?"

She nodded irately and left, needing distance from his presence. Hy'Lar took her place wordlessly, clearly aiming to familiarise himself with the controls in case he was required to fly. Considering Jim, she was sure he would be. She moved to the back alone and tried to find out why Breakwater wanted to send her to Omicron IV.

A few hours later PADDs were scattered around her and she felt like growling in frustration. She rubbed her face in exhaustion and looked up and into a pair of blue eyes. Jim stood watching her from the flight deck, an unfathomable impression in his eyes. Damn it. How long had he been there?

"Hy'Lar's quite the pilot." Jim commented after a moment. She made no reply. He stepped over her fallen PADDs and sat down next to her, leaning against the wall. "Are you hiding from me?"

She shrugged. "Why would I do that?" Alright, she could think of many reasons why she would do that. Especially when she had that static feeling every time her shoulder brushed his. Being near Jim always felt like approaching a storm.

"I don't know." He shook his head, then smiled slightly. "Maybe you find my smouldering good looks distracting."

Joanna laughed slightly, tension easing. He had no idea. "Trust me, you're not as pretty as you think you are."

He grinned self-assuredly. "Yes I am." Frustratingly he was right, so she said nothing. Sometimes she wished he wasn't quite as self-assured as he always acted. "So..." He commented after a moment. "About last night..."

She instantly bristled. She did not want to be reminded about that now. She had a job to do. "Jim..."

"I know you don't want to talk about it Sassy." Jim glanced at her. "Not with me anyway." His eyes were sad, and she felt bad.

"It's not that... I just... can't." Her voice was not as emotionless as she would have liked.

He said nothing for a moment, looking out of the window in front of them expressionlessly, then took her hand in comfort. His own was large and warm and instantly calming, even if it sent a shiver down her. "Does it happen often?"

She assumed he was talking about her waking up screaming. It must have been unnerving for him. "No. Not often." The nightmares were regular, of course, but they hadn't affected her so badly in a while. Usually her defences helped her avoid outward expressions. But Jim's presence was weakening those walls. And she needed them.

"Was it because I was there?" Damn. Jim was too observant.

"Not everything revolves around you Kirk." She avoided the obvious answer.

He sighed, looking older. "I know, Joanna."His hand tightened around hers, the only thing indicating he was not as calm as he appeared. "Want to tell me why your old headmaster knows you're with the SI? And is able to give us a spare ship just like that when they're so hard to come by?" He never missed a thing. She couldn't help but admire that slightly.

"He's never just been a headmaster, Jim. You know that."

"He's on the Vulcan High Council too." Jim correctly surmised. "Even so..."

"Why would he help me?"

"No. I know why he'd help you Sassy." He glanced at her with a look she didn't quite understand. "How does he know what you are?"

She shrugged and wondered how much to tell him. "He had good foresight." She finally decided.

Jim smiled slightly. "Don't the Vulcans call that logic?"

"I prefer Voodoo, but whatever floats your boat."

Jim laughed quietly. He ran a thumb over her hand slowly. "I missed you, you know."

She loosened her hand from his, instantly sobered. The combination of attraction and hurt was making her mind spin. "Not enough."

"Joanna..."

She stood abruptly. "We must be almost there now. Sort us some packs will you?" She made her way to the cockpit before she did something stupid. Like punch him. Or cry.

Hy'Lar glanced at her when she took the seat next to him, but remained silent. She pushed down her emotions, keeping them close. The last thing she needed was to broadcast her misery to the poor man again.

"How long?" Her voice was calm.

"Ten minutes. Do you have a plan?"

"Of course." She lied. "But I have no idea what we'll find down there."

He shook his head at her. "It's too risky."

"I know. That's why I want to keep you here."

"In orbit?"

"No, you'll be too obvious. But stay in communicator range."

"And your friend?"

"I don't think he'll stay here, do you?" The being made an angry sound and she smiled slightly. "Don't worry. He has his uses. Particularly when landing on unfamiliar planets." He'd only been leading away missions for the last decade. She hated to admit it, but it was actually reassuring that he was coming along.

"I'm sure." Hy'Lar gave her a probing look but her control was too good today. She knew he'd worked out who Jim actually was by now. It wouldn't endear him to the man. Apparently not much did except for feeding her. Jim had made a nice play with that one.

She watched as they entered the Omicron system. There were five planets in total, strung like beads between the two suns at either end. Two of were class M and only one was currently populated by higher life-forms – Omicron IV. There were no signs of other vessels in the vicinity – she hadn't expected that there would be. It was too far out of the main routes to pose much interest to most. The last time the Federation had visited the system was for a surveying mission four years ago, but they had stayed away from Omicron IV to avoid violating the Prime Directive. She ran that same risk. From what she had read, the people still retained some knowledge of their previous technology, but it didn't carry many positive connotations. After all, they'd almost killed themselves with it. Two people beaming onto the planet might not go down too well. But there had to be something there for her to find – something she was meant to see. She had no idea what. Maybe it was the same thing that saw Talos IV destroyed. Two planets, avoided by Federation vessels. That had to be more than just coincidence. Except Omicron was still sitting comfortably, whilst Talos was rubble. She should know – she'd been there at its destruction.

"Where shall I beam you?" She loved that small Vulcan ships had beaming capability. Humans really needed to catch up – her landing left a lot to be desired and it would be better for everyone.

"A populated area." She replied. Somewhere she could get information and hopefully not get staked or stabbed or something equally unpleasant in the process.

The Mazarite ran his hands over the controls, then frowned. "We cannot scan."

"Why?" Her subconscious prickled.

He shook his head. "I am unsure."

"Well, that says to me we're in the right place." Jim said from behind them. "They must have a forcefield in place." He placed a hand on her shoulder and surveyed the computer in front of her.

She attempted to ignore the warmth of his hand. "I have the coordinates of a city from file. You can set us down there."

"Very well." She programmed it into the computer and did not fail to notice Jim hadn't removed his hand. "Ready."

She stood slowly. She really didn't want to do this. It would be cold down there at this time of year. She really hated the cold. And she had the feeling that whatever she found she wasn't going to like much either. Jim gave her a reassuring smile and handed her a pack. Starfleet away-mission packs. There was another thing to be cheerful about. Just what she loved – rations.

"I will orbit the second sun. Contact me when you are ready to leave." Hy'Lar broke up her negative thoughts.

"Alright. See you later." The man nodded, and on impulse she wrapped her arms around him. You never knew when your last chance might be to see someone. Jim had taught her that the hard way. The Mazarite embraced her affectionately and then turned from her so she could leave without showing him the tears in her eyes. Good grief, this was only an away mission. She'd done plenty more dangerous things in the last week alone. So why did she feel so bad about it?

"You nervous?" Jim eyed her carefully as she stood on the platform. She shrugged noncommittally. "Only an idiot wouldn't be nervous." He added. He was trying to make her feel better.

"Only an idiot would beam down to a planet they hadn't scanned, with no idea about what they're meant to find." She pointed out.

Jim grinned at her. "Excellent – now you're at my level." She couldn't help but return his smile.

"When you're ready, Hy'Lar." She called. "Energise."

The surface of Omicron was bitingly cold. There was a thick layer of snow covering the ground, and the huge trees near where they stood were bare and covered in ice. They were standing in a forest at the edge of a city. She immediately noticed that two things were very wrong with the situation. First, the city was... exactly that. A city. When she'd read the reports about the planet from previous surveillance missions she had been expecting wooden huts, cottages and village-type life. Instead this city had high-rise buildings made out of a purple material similar to brick, paved roads, and floating orbs that she assumed were street-lights. They might be pre-warp, but they were hardly primitive.

"I thought we'd at least have a welcoming party." Jim murmured quietly at her side, pointing out the second problem. The city was as lifeless. An icy wind blew papers across the street ahead of them, the only movement in a place that seemed deserted. She felt her hackles rise. According to the sun, it should be early afternoon. The place should be bustling. Where was everyone?

She exchanged a look with Jim, who looked equally perplexed. He pointed down to the ground, and she noticed that they were standing on paving. The forest was encroaching on the city. No one had cut it back in a while.

"I have a bad feeling." Jim said quietly. She nodded in agreement. She did too. But she was here for a reason.

"Come on. Let's see where everyone is."

Jim pulled out his phaser and she thumbed her own but did not remove it – not yet. She felt the reassuring brush of steel on her skin under her clothing. Hell, she hoped she didn't have need for weapons today. Maybe the citizens had moved out, relocated to another city. Some instinct told her that was wishful thinking.

Their footsteps were loud as they worked their way along the roads, further into the city. Jim took the lead, and she was happy to let him. He noticed small things she didn't – that the stardates on the notice boards were from more than a year ago, that water tanks were frozen and full, that the food stalls along the road were full of rotten produce. She let him keep his eyes on the ground – she kept the rear, her eyes focused upwards. The further they walked among tall buildings the more her hackles rose. She felt unseen eyes on her back. Perhaps it she was being paranoid. They were too vulnerable here, too exposed. They were leaving footprints in the snow. Easy targets.

Then she saw something in the corner of her eye, a quick movement of something dark above her. The phaser was in her hand, as she span, aiming at the window of a block of apartments. Jim was instantly at her back.

"See something?" He was tense as his eyes scanned where her phaser aimed.

"I thought so." There was nothing there. No movement. Maybe she was seeing things. However Jim didn't question, just remained at her back, ready. Then she saw it again, a huge dark shape a few windows to the left. "There."

"I see it. What are the native beings here supposed to be like?" His voice was soft and wary. She had the feeling he already knew the answer to that question.

"Humanoid, and not that big." She confirmed his suspicions. "I don't think there's any indigenous species that is." Nothing that she'd read, and she'd read everything.

He placed a hand on her arm. "I think we should get off the road." Her heart beat hard. Part of her wanted to go after it, to see what exactly they faced. The other part of her wanted to hide. Jim read her emotions. "I don't think we want to meet whatever that is right now. Come on." She let Jim lead them into a block on the opposite side of the road.

He stopped suddenly a few steps in to the building, his hand dropping from her arm. She glanced at his sombre face, fear pulsing through her, then forced herself to look in his line of sight. They were in a large entrance hall, painted dark blue and dimly lit. The floor was also dark – only, she realised after a few heartbeats, that it shouldn't be – because parts of it were light stone. The rest was black and slick, like dried fluid, that spattered across the ground, and up the walls.

"Is that...?" She whispered.

"Blood." Jim finished grimly. She saw now that there were drag marks across the floor that led under their feet and out of the door. The snow had hidden the signs outside. Oh hell. She forced her mind to calmness, forced away other emotions except anger – because, without a doubt, many, many people were dead, and she didn't dare feel anything else.

"No bodies." She commented. "Something's dragged them somewhere else."

"_Something _has." Jim agreed. She suddenly hoped it wasn't the large thing she'd seen in the window. Because if they'd seen it, it might have seen them. Jim moved further inside. Some of the apartment doors were ajar, others split like they'd been forced open with brute strength. There was a staircase in the middle of the corridor, leading upwards, black blood covering the steps. Jim indicated he wanted to look through a door on the left, and she covered him on the other side of the doorframe, ready to follow his lead. His pushed the door very slowly open with his foot. There was no movement, so he entered, phaser ready. She followed him in, ready to defend should they require it, but was met with silence. Jim checked the two rooms straight ahead, and she cleared the small bedroom to the right. It was a child's room. It was painted yellow. There were toys on the floor, and a small green-skinned doll covered in the same dried blood. She picked it up, her stomach sick. The drag marks led to the bed. The child had been hiding under it. She could see how the sheets and mattress had been torn and bloodied in something's attempts to get to her. Clearly it had succeeded. She tried not to imagine the terror and pain that the child would have felt as those beasts came to get them. As she – she was sure the child was a she - was dragged out from under the bed and killed... She felt a roll of nausea and swallowed several times, getting a grip of herself. She forced herself out of the room and met Jim in the hall. He looked pale but his eyes were hard.

"They were packing." He eyed the doll in her hand and his face softened. "Anything?"

"Whatever it is, it's no respecter of age." Her voice was as angry, hiding her pain and uncertainty. Someone was going to pay for this. She was going to make someone pay. She placed the doll in her backpack. Jim made no comment, his blue eyes on her face. She felt unstable. What the hell were they going to do?

"Something's been hunting these people." She stated the obvious. "We're not going to find anyone." They would have moved away from here if they were sensible, got away if they could. Maybe there was a community of them, somewhere safe? But Breakwater had sent her here. And paths that Breakwater trod didn't usually have survivors in their wake. Neither did hers.

Jim frowned. "Maybe not, but we might be able to find out what happened. There has to be records somewhere - a central database, or a town hall or something. If people were starting to pack, someone must have had the time to record something."

It was a good idea. But one that presented them with a challenge. "We can't go back onto the streets." She pointed out. "We're too vulnerable."

He nodded. "How about the roof?"

Another good idea. She'd noticed that most of the buildings were of similar height, and none were too far from each other. From the rooftops they'd have the height advantage too. That made her feel better. "Let's do it."

They moved up the staircase silently. The amount of blood on the floors increased as they went up. Her heart began to beat hard again, her body thrumming with tension. The silence was getting to her. This was worse than being hunted. She wasn't like Jim, she didn't like surprises, not when one was likely to kill her. She wanted to know exactly what they were dealing with. Something that tore people apart – a simple kill wouldn't have created such a mess, she knew that. This wasn't just a being with a nasty weapon. This was a monster.

The stairs stopped on the top floor. They would have to climb out of a window to get onto the roof. Great. It wasn't going to be easy – she wasn't the tallest person, and it wasn't a flat roof. The window at the top of the stairs was almost double the height of her, and pushed upwards from the bottom, half the glass sliding over the other. Jim might have a chance of making it, but she'd have to use rope.

"Do you want to try one of the apartments?" Jim suggested, quickly coming to a similar conclusion.

She considered it. It would mean leaving, having to go back onto the street, but if she left this way she could make a lot of noise and draw a lot of attention.

A thump made them both freeze. It was followed by a bang that sounded like a door hitting a wall behind it, several floors down. She prayed fervently that it was only the wind. Then she heard feet on the stairs. Several feet. With a clicking sound that suggested claws. For a moment she listened, horribly fascinated. Then Jim grabbed her arm, and indicated to the window. The decision was made.

She motioned for him to go first. He shook his head, looking worried. Damn, she wasn't some damsel in distress that was going to go to pieces and run at the on-coming beast. She needed him to go first so he could give her a hand up. They had a quick, silent, gesture-led argument which led to Jim taking her by the shoulders and shaking her, eyes flashing dangerously, and her seriously considering punching him, beast or no beast. Jim gave in, seeing as she wasn't going to be moved and whatever was coming was getting very close. He opened the window, frowning at slight noise, and managed to pull himself onto the top sill, then onto the roof.

She could the sound of sniffing a floor below her. There was a growl that made her hair stand on end. Then it ran, feet thudding on the stairs directly below her. Something had worked out she was there. She felt the adrenaline run through her veins, hot like anger. It almost made her pause, almost made her stay and fight the thing that had killed so many. Then her well-honed survival instinct kicked in. She pulled out her rope and climbed out of the window. She turned and found herself facing the beast galloping towards her. It was huge, well above her height on four paws. Its fur was black and shaggy, its jaws massive, large pointed canines protruding on either side. But that didn't scare her. It was the red eyes that scared her. They were as large as her fist and glowed like light through rubies. She found herself freezing like a rabbit in headlights.

"Joanna! Rope!" Jim called frantically, leaning downwards and bracing himself against the slope of the roof. She threw it up to him as the beast hit the window and launched itself at her. She only managed to keep one hand on the rope as it hit her with such force she lost her footing. For a moment she felt its breath on her neck, smelt the rancid smell of decay on its teeth as bent towards her, aiming to destroy any flesh it could reach. The knife was in her hand of its own volition, and she stabbed it hard in the eye as their bodies flew together. Then gravity took over, and the beast fell as her rope went taut, sending a breath-taking jolt down her arm. She hit the side of the building with a sickening crunch. She almost let go as the pain in her left arm almost immediately clouded her sense, but she managed to brace herself against the wall and took the rope with her other hand.

"Jim..." She managed to get out.

"It's alright. I've got you." He began to pull her up. She used her bad arm to swing herself out slightly, pulled her legs up and managed to part-climb, removing some of the weight from him. She was panting when she reached the small distance to the top. Jim reached under her arms and pulled her onto the roof beside him.

"You alright?" He was breathing as hard as she was.

She leaned back against the slope and laughed softly, though she wasn't sure if it was from adrenaline, pain or madness. Probably a mixture of the three. "That was close."

Jim leaned over her. She expected him to laugh with her, or make one of his annoying blasé comments. However, his eyes were stormy. Apparently right now serious Jim had taken over, and clearly he was not happy. "Are you hurt?"

"I think I dislocated my shoulder. That's all." No bite, thank goodness. The last thing they needed was for her to be trailing blood everything. He looked relieved but the storm remained in his eyes.

"If I was your father, I would spank you around now, Joanna." He had his captain's voice on. The one that he used when he was controlling himself from doing something rash. It grated on her.

"Well it's lucky for us that you're not." She frowned at him. "Please don't tell me you're annoyed about going first, because let's face it, I couldn't have pulled you up."

Jim frowned. "I'm annoyed because you paused deliberately and risked your life because you wanted to kill it."

For a moment she wondered if she had indeed done that – and if she had why it would be so abhorrent to him. She had most certainly wanted to kill it, that wasn't a lie. He had seen the blood too – surely he felt the same? But no – Jim wasn't like her. He never killed unless he absolutely had to, no matter what the being had done. As for risking herself... there had been nothing preconceived about her actions. She didn't have a death wish. Not much of one anyway.

"I'm not an idiot, Jim. I stabbed it because it would have killed me. I wouldn't threaten my mission for something so petty. And I paused... Hell I don't know why I paused. I was scared I suppose." She hated admitting that, even to him. It made her feel vulnerable, and she already felt like that too often around him. "Don't worry, I'll let you risk yourself in the next life-threatening situation."

He assessed her for a moment, jaw clenched, close enough that she could feel the warmth of his body and heat of his lips. Then he smiled slightly and her stomach clenched and then relaxed in the strangest sensation she'd ever experienced.

"You, Joanna McCoy, haven't changed at all." She would have replied bitingly, disliking the uncertainty he produced in her, but he touched her face and slowly dipped his head. For a moment they just looked at each other and she felt heat pulse through her veins, sure he was going to kiss her. However, when he moved it was merely to brush his lips on her cheek, sending warmth tingling down her body, and sat up. Damn, if that was his punishment it was a good one. It left her breathless, disorientated, and seriously considering whether she should just kiss him and screw the consequences. Clearly she was mad. "Let me see that shoulder."

Oh damn. Her shoulder. He'd made her forget about that. She groaned. "I take it back. I wish you were my father."

He smiled reassuringly, as calm as if their previous interaction had never happened. "I've reduced plenty of shoulders. It'll be a cinch."

"Right..." She remained sceptical of Jim's medical abilities. "Whose shoulders would they have been exactly?"

"My own." He grinned. "So I know I'm good."

She scowled at him, but it lost some its effect as he unzipped her jacket and she had to move her shoulder to loose it from the sleeve. The stabbing pain temporarily removed all thought from her mind. Jim was feeling around the joint. She took deep breaths, and then, after a thought, put the sleeve of her jacket in her mouth. It would be no good if she screamed and told every damn being in a fifty click radius where they were. She reassured herself that she'd had, and survived, far worse than this – and that had been on her own. Jim poked her and she winced. He was going to make her sick at this rate, and she couldn't afford not to hold on to her stomach contents.

"Get on with it." She muttered, muffled by her full mouth.

Jim nodded. "Alright." He braced his feet against her side to hold her in place and pull out her arm from her side, which made her see stars. "You're not going to like this." Didn't she know it. He would have to yank her arm laterally to pull the shoulder out, and then push the bone upwards and into the socket. He met her eyes and she took a deep breath. "On three. One. Two." Before she'd tensed for three he'd pulled hard sideways and thumped her humerus upwards with an audible click – not that she heard it, or her scream. She blacked out as soon as he pulled her arm. She came to just as quickly with Jim peering over her.

"You alright?"

She pulled the fabric out of her mouth with shaking hands and nodded, unable to speak. She gave her shoulder an experimental movement. It was painless, and the ache that had been there was now gone. Jim handed her his water bottle and she took a few sips.

"Well, you were quick." She commented.

Jim smiled. "But not as good as your dad, no?"

She returned it tentatively. "As if." She stood and glanced down at the ground, many feet below. The dark mass she had been expecting to see wasn't there. She swore. Jim stood next to her but made no comment. Great, now there was a beast roaming down there somewhere with a knife in its eye and a serious grudge against her. That was all she needed. She needed to get some information and get out of here. And then it started to snow.

"Come on Sassy." Jim suggested quietly.

She nodded, swallowing her irritation, and made herself think through what she knew. "All the cities are built around a city hall in their centre. The government is led from there... _was _led from there." She corrected. "I think it's our best bet. Otherwise we could be searching for a long time."

Jim nodded. "Agreed. After you."

It was easier said than done. Because the roofs weren't flat navigating was a nightmare, especially in the increasing snow. It took them hours, steadying each other intermittently to stop them slipping, making difficult jumps, climbing up and down walls.

"Well;" Jim commented as he brushed snow from her hair as they took a breather. "At least this is keeping us warm."

Her face was too cold to frown. "Sure. Until the suns set." At night the temperatures dropped far below freezing. That had around an hour - the two suns were already low in the sky.

"Ever the optimist. Surely it's that building over there."

He pointed and she followed his hand to a large square complex surrounded by a park several storeys below them. It wasn't particularly easy to see in the snow.

"I bet it is." How the hell were they going to get to that?

"So, you want to risk the ground, or do you want to jump it?"

She raised an eyebrow. "Jump?"

He grinned. "Sure. We'll just parachute."

"With what exactly?"

"I packed, remember? Those Vulcan ships have everything."

She couldn't help but smile. "And you thought that a parachute might come in useful?"

"I've discovered that it's best to be prepared around you. You never know exactly what you're going to get." It was funny, because she felt the same way about him.

"Well, it's worth a try. Let's get out of this snow before we freeze."

"Agreed."

The moved a few buildings closer before Jim pulled out the thin fabric parachute. Joanna began to sort the strapping, clumsy with her fingers so numb. She really hated the cold. The snow was beginning to come down hard. She could only just make out Jim's outline a few feet from her.

"Is this going to work?" She called to him, wind taking half her words.

"I don't know." Jim replied. "The snow isn't going to help – and we'll need to jump in tandem." She passed him the harness and he strapped himself in, then hooked himself to her. The chute was already picking up in the wind. It was going to be difficult.

"Ready?"

"As I'll ever be."

"Good stuff. Let's go."

Jim took her hand in his. His skin was so warm that it felt like fire on her own. Then they ran and jumped off the roof. She fastened her arms around his body and they dropped. The parachute only partially opened, snow weighing it down despite the strong wind. Jim steered it as best he could, but it was quite apparent they weren't going to make it to the roof. They managed to clear the trees, but hit the wall of the building with considerable force as the chute finally collapsed. Jim pulled it in, and they dropped a few feet onto the ground. He turned her under him as they hit the snow and for a moment they laid stunned on the ground. She felt his breath warm on her cheek, his body hard under her own. She raised her head and met his eyes. Well that had gone well.

"Hi."

He smiled, his eyes turquoise and warm. "Hi." He reached up and brushed some hair from her face.

"We're alive." It was rather miraculous, considering.

He chuckled and she felt it vibrate through her. It made something in her chest tighten. "Apparently so."

She realised she was probably hurting him and pulled herself up. "Let's go and find the door."

He got to his feet next to her and brushed himself off. "I sure hope no one's home."

The entrance was up large stone steps to their right and through double doors. Jim had drawn his phaser again, and after a moment she drew her own. The corridors were dark and she lit the torch on the phaser, unwilling to walk blindly into such a place. It was a beautiful – large halls with crenulated white ceilings, colourful painted walls with murals of people working playing. Under other circumstances she would have been fascinated, but now the empty halls filled her with sadness. The stone floors were streaked with similar black marks that had seen previously, but there were fewer than they'd seen elsewhere. For want of a better way through such a maze of rooms and corridors she followed the marks deeper into the building.

They walked up a wide flight of stairs and into a room lined with books. Thousands of books.

"A library." Jim said in awe, pausing for a moment with wide eyes. She wasn't as impressed – the books had an eerie quality in the darkness. She didn't like the idea that something could be hiding unseen amongst the cases. She also noticed that the blood was growing thicker. They must have been close to someone's death. She moved through the cases and through another smaller door. The room was large, with huge windows on two sides, currently battered with snow. Joanna shone her light into its depths. The room was empty except for a single desk at its centre. It was here that the black ended, or perhaps began was more apt, none found further into the room. Instinctively she knew that this was it – what she needed was on that desk. Her feet echoed loudly as she crossed to it.

There was a small console on the wooden surface. A light flickered on its screen – the first sign of life she'd seen on this planet. It was an ancient piece, too old for voice automation. She looked for a switch and found a small one on a square console behind it. She flicked it on and the screen immediately came to life. She heard Jim cross the room to her as she navigated the old controls.

"Anything?" He asked quietly, close to her back. She nodded and activated the last file. The green face of a native Omicron filled the screen, speaking rapidly in a language she was unfamiliar with. His voice filled the room loudly, his fear palpable. Damn. She paused the recording and dug in her bag to find her PADD, then synced it to the ancient computer, activating the translator.

She steeled herself and pressed play.

"They are coming. They released the beasts two days ago and in two nights my people have been murdered, torn to pieces with any that resisted. I have been unable to make contact with the other cities. I can only assume that they suffer the same fate for resisting the aliens. Let it be remembered that we kept the oaths our fathers made of peace." She could hear howling now, in the background of the recording, and faint screams that chilled her blood. "Some have tried to escape, but have been hunted by the aliens in the daylight. There are few of us now, and my time grows short. Know this, if you listen. They have come from below. They bring with them a war, like that of old. A war for the stars. Know this, and run – run for your lives. They are not-." There was a growling, and the man paused, looking at an object off screen. Then he screamed as black form pounced into him, biting through his neck and spraying blood over the floor. The beast mangled his body for a few seconds, before dragging it off, still twitching.

Joanna stopped the recording with a hand that shook slightly, trying to block out the final scene from her mind. What did that mean? Who were the aliens that brought the beasts? What had they resisted against? It meant nothing. Jim put an arm around her silently in the darkness. That couldn't be it. It couldn't be all. It made no sense. There had to be more. She rewound it and played it again, though the words were already written in her mind like a brand. Jim left her side, examining the rest of the room as she listened.

She was playing it a third time when he finally spoke. It was a single word. "Joanna." She ignored him for a moment. Then, the part of her brain that was attuned to Jim realised exactly how he'd said her name. She looked up and realised that the growling in the recording wasn't the only growling in the room. She was looking into the face of a beast in the shadows. A huge black beast with a knife sticking out of one eye and snow still lining its coat. It was blocking the entrance from the library, watching her and Jim through its good eye. It did not look impressed. Very slowly, so as not to startle it, she transferred the file to her PADD, then dropped it in her bag. The growling increased as she palmed her phaser, but didn't pick it up, knowing the light would be enough to make it attack. For a moment none of them moved. Then it ran and pounced at her as both she and Jim simultaneously fired. It dropped to the ground, but was clearly only stunned, was already getting to its feet as they ran to the door. Jim grabbed her hand and pulled her back down the stairs, running through new corridors on ground level. She trusted his instincts, held her light high as howling followed in their wake, the sound of crashing coming from more than one level. She turned and saw multiple bodies hurtling after them. They had a whole damned pack after them. They reached a kitchen, and Jim navigated them through it in the darkness and through a small metal door. The room once would have been refrigerated when the city still had power. Now rotting meat hung from the rafters, sickly sweet and still semi-frozen in the cold. She understood Jim's thinking immediately – he'd found one place where the smell might drown out their own. For once his genius IQ was shining through. Jim bolted the door, then used his phaser to seal it shut as the sounds of crashing told them that they'd followed them this far. They stood at either side of the door in silence, trying hard not to breathe as she heard the beasts prowl the kitchen, growling to each other in communication. She shut her eyes and willed herself into invisibility.

Seconds turned to minutes. Her body went numb as they destroyed the kitchen with such savagery that she couldn't help but imagine how they'd kill her if they found her. However, finally, they moved outside. For a long moment she kept her eyes shut. When she opened them Jim was shining the light from his phaser on her face, his own shadowed. She blinked and moved a numb hand, attempting to regain circulation, then gasped when Jim embraced her so tightly and suddenly that she couldn't breathe as the heat of his body thawed her. Her arms were too stiff to hug him back, but she felt the weight that had been in her chest ease slightly. Hell, she was so glad she wasn't alone right now.

"We should get back to the ship." Jim whispered in her ear.

She managed to pull away from him, fear of entirely a new sort pulsing through her. "No. Not yet. We can't – there has to be more. There has to be a reason why someone just committed genocide."

"You have that recording."

"It doesn't tell me enough." She sat down on the ground in frustration, pulling her body close in a weak attempt to warm herself. "It makes no sense Jim. This is a pacifist planet. No one would ask them to fight – so what would they want from them? Who the hell would destroy a peaceful people? It just makes no damn sense."  
>Jim paced. "We might not find out – we haven't seen any evidence so far of any other beings down here. It's been months. We might be too late."<p>

"The Jim Kirk I knew would never give up so easily when there was even a chance he might find out who killed millions of people."

"Joanna." He looked frustrated. "I also know when to cut my losses. Those things are only going to be put off for a time – and a phaser blast doesn't even wound them. I won't have you die because you can't put things in perspective."

She felt a wave of anger, mostly because he might have been correct. She hated doubting herself. "Perspective? Out of the two of us, I'm the one who has the best perspective on this situation."

"Only because you don't tell me anything. Joanna, listen to me, I'm telling you-."

"I'm telling you, Jim, I have to find out more. Breakwater wouldn't have sent me here just to see a deceased planet."

"You sure about that? What do you even know about the man?"

"I know he's the best spy the S.I. has ever seen. I know he knows more about this situation than anyone else."

"And you trust him?"

"Of course not – I'm not an idiot." Jim frowned. "But we're missing something. Something important. You must feel that too – if you stopped trying to protect me and started acting like yourself for once."

Jim exhaled slowly. "I am acting like myself, Joanna."

"Then start trusting me."

"I do trust you."

"Really?" That was surprising – especially after she lied to him and left him yesterday.

"Yes." He sat down on the other side of the room. "So you want to wait here until morning, and then what?"

"I don't know." She ground out in frustration. She was freezing now, and wrapped her arms around her knees dejectedly. What were they going to do? Was she putting them both in danger for nothing? What if there really was nothing to find, and something happened to Jim because of her?

Jim sighed. "Alright Sassy. We'll figure something out." She looked up and he smiled at her. She felt a wave of feelings for him so strong it must have shown on her face, but the darkness must have hidden her, because Jim merely added: "Come on, if we're here for the night we might as well get comfortable."

He threw her a pack of rations, and she opened them with fumbling fingers. Then she pulled out her blanket and wrapped it around herself. It didn't help much, her body was too frozen. She struggled to eat too, with chattering teeth, but found she had little appetite anyway. She leaned against the wall, turned off the light and shut her eyes as the howling outside turned her blood to ice.

"Joanna, come over here." Jim said softly after a few minutes of silence between them.

She didn't need asking twice but it was considerable effort to get up. Eventually she sat down next to him, and, without a further word, he pulled her against his chest, and settled her between his legs. He arranged the blankets around them, and she instantly felt herself warm as his arms wrapped around her. She remained stiff against him for a while, not used to the close contact, and not entirely trusting herself. But eventually the heat relaxed her enough that she leant back, her head on his heart. Jim said nothing but his arms didn't loosen.

The howling was from all sides. Jim switched off the light on his phaser and they sat in the darkness listening to it. For the first time she realised exactly how precarious their situation was. There was no backdoor out of here. If they made it through the door there'd be nowhere to run. The door might be metal, but it wouldn't hold under several of the beasts. And Hy'Lar would take time to get into transporting distance, should they need it.

"I'm sorry." She said quietly.

"For what?" Jim's voice was soft, his breath on her face. She realised that she hadn't been close to another person like this for a very long time. She'd missed being held by someone you trusted not to stab you in the back. And the last person she had been held by had been Jim. The mix of emotions it created in her was confusing.

"For putting you – us – in danger. I'll call Hy'Lar if you want." Hell, she really hoped he didn't want that – because she needed to succeed.

She felt Jim sigh against her. Then he took one of her hands in his. His voice was very quiet. "Joanna, do you remember when we were last caught in a blizzard?" That hadn't been the response she'd been expecting. Of course she remembered. The memory was ingrained in her soul as deeply as her own name.

"Yes." Her childhood had been punctuated with some awful experiences, no doubt, but the worst moment of her life, at least until she was eighteen years old, had occurred when she was nine, during the Year War. Then, as her world had fallen apart, Jim had rescued her and carried her ten miles in a violent blizzard to safety. Everything had changed that day, a turning point in her life as much as their meeting had been. She'd learnt to trust him completely in the way she had never trusted anyone else. She had become his, whether he wanted her or not.

"I promised you then that I'd follow you anywhere." She frowned in remembrance, as the images and pain flashed across her memory. Jim had sworn to her father that he would protect her – an oath that had been made in blood. She had assumed her father surviving had made such an oath redundant. But apparently not. It explained why he was still around, why he had made such an issue of following her. Hell, it explained her whole childhood. She felt a stab of hurt. Of course it had been because of her father. It had been dangerous to think he'd do anything because he cared about her. Stupid girl.

"So you'll stay here with me, even if you think it's a bad idea, because you don't want to break a promise to my dad?"

"I don't want to break a promise to you, Joanna."

How she wanted to believe that. "You had no problem with that two years ago."

"I thought you were alright." The hurt made her stiffen and sit up, removing her hand from his.

"Did you really think that I would be alright with you out of my life, Jim? You were my best friend." He had been so much more than her best friend. He'd been a part of her as much as the blood in her veins. She'd bled with every letter he'd ignored, with every day that turned into a month. He could not have honestly thought she would be fine without him. Then she had another horrible thought. "Let me ask you this – if you had met me again and I hadn't been doing this job, would you still have kept away?"

He remained silent. She took it as confirmation and didn't understand. "Why?" Why would he still keep away? Maybe she really had just become another woman to him. After all, he was following her based on a promise. Maybe he'd never cared for her at all.

Jim was still. "I never meant to hurt you, kid."

Well she was hurt, too hurt even to rise to such bait. "I'm sure you say that to a lot of women." She said bitterly. She knew she wasn't the first. She wouldn't have even been the last. But she hadn't been a one-night stand, like most of the others. "It's hard to know if you even mean it."

Jim exhaled slowly but made no attempt to defend himself, which frustrated her more. They sat in silence for a long while, listening to the howling until she began to shiver again, away from his warmth. The cold sapped the anger from her, leaving only sadness. He would always mean more to her that she did to him. She knew they wouldn't have that conversation, the one her heart cried for them to have. Jim would never tell her why he kept away, and when he left again she'd let him.

"Did you really miss me?" She asked in a whisper.

She felt Jim sit up and tentatively wrap his arms around her again. She let him, in need of his comfort even more than his warmth.

"Yes, Joanna. I meant it. I missed you more than you'd ever believe." She nodded, glad it was dark so he wouldn't see the tears in her eyes. He settled her back down against him, cocooning her in warmth, and she let his presence relax her.

Thoughts filled her mind as she fell asleep. His face over hers on the roof with the storm in his eyes. His hand in hers as he'd led her through the corridors. His body at her back when she first saw the creature. She could have been alone on this planet, could have walked those snowy roads, and met those beasts alone. She would still be alive, but she would be scared, and hurt, and would have had no one to keep her warm in the darkness. Promise or not, Jim was here. She was glad he was.

"I missed you too." She wasn't sure if she had spoken aloud of not, the thought carrying into her dreams. And when she felt his lips on her skin she knew sleep had taken her.

The sound of screeching and thumps very close woke her immediately an indefinable time later, and she grappled to find her phaser and her feet in the darkness as their situation immediately flooded back.

"Joanna?" Jim sounded less than calm when he called out to her, her absence immediately noted.

"I'm right here." She switched her light on and he blinked as another hard thump hit the door of their hiding place. He met her eyes and they both knew what it meant.

"They've found us."

Then the beasts burst through the door.

_A/N – Yes I know, mean ending. Anyone that's read my other stories will know I have a penchant for cliffhangers – unfortunately it's just where the chapters end in my head. And for all of those groaning because they'll be another chapter in between before you find out what happens, rest assured, you're going to like the next chapter. You'll like the one after that too, I think. Anyway, the song for next chapter is Fallin' For You by Colbie Caillat. Thanks for reading._


	18. Saying Goodbye

17. Saying Goodbye

_A/N – Hi everyone. I'm so excited for you to read this chapter. It is unashamedly fluffy, but it's also a crucial turning point in Jim and Joanna's relationship. Before you all get too excited when you look at the ages, no it's not _that_ aged 18 chapter, but it's the chapter that pre-empts it. Just to point out, this story is rated T. That means that some of the themes are mature and serious. Thanks for reading._

I am trying not to tell you

But I want to

I'm scared of what you'll say

So I'm hiding what I'm feeling

But I'm tired of holding this inside my head

_Fallin' For You – Colbie Caillat_

" You know about being with somebody? Wanting to be... If I had the whole universe... ...I'd give it to you. When I see you, I... I feel like I'm hungry... all over. Hungry. Do you know how that feels?" _Charlie - Charlie X, TOS_

Stardate: 2267

Jim: Aged 33

Joanna: Aged 17/18

"We'll both miss you Joanna." Christine Chapel hugged her tightly on the deck of the transporter pad of the Enterprise as they said their goodbyes. For once she wasn't the one leaving. Her dad and Christine were taking James to stay with her Grandmother on Earth. War was coming and the Enterprise was leaving for the front tomorrow. For the first time her dad had considered the danger too large to keep his son with him – a big decision since he'd barely let him or Christine out of his sight since the Year War. It said a lot about what they were about to do, she thought. The Enterprise faced danger every day, but this was something else. Jim was to be leading the attacking force. It meant that almost everyone she cared about was going to be leaving on the Enterprise tomorrow. If something happened... But she couldn't think of that right now. It hurt too much and she needed to hold it together for her family.

"Thanks." She forced her thoughts back to her step-mother. "How are you and dad? Ready for tomorrow?" She'd come onto the ship, in orbit around Earth, for a day to celebrate her birthday - a day early since they'd be leaving in the morning. She cooked for them in their quarters, something that her dad had found amusing for no reason that she could ascertain, and caught up with some of the other crew. She could have celebrated on Earth of course, it would have been easier than swapping her shifts if she was honest, she'd come here because she had wanted to see Jim. The Enterprise had been docked for two weeks and she hadn't seen him. Not once. He'd been trapped in meetings with Admirals and hell knew who else, that was true, but she thought he would have come and seen her. He always did. Clearly he needed rescuing, and on his last day of shoreleave that's what she intended to do, even if it meant walking into a meeting of admirals and fighting her way out.

"I don't think we can really be ready for tomorrow." Christine answered honestly. "It's going to be hard. But we'll be busy – and your dad and I will be together. We'll get through it." It was in her step-mothers nature to always see the good side of things. She was certainly a glass-half-full sort of person. She needed to be, married to her fatally pessimistic father. Joanna admired that – because she was like her dad in that respect.

"Did dad try to send you away too?" Joanna guessed, imagining the thoughts of her over-protective father.

"He tried. But I belong right her, with him. Even if it means being away from James."

Joanna took her hand and squeezed it. "It'll be alright."

She nodded, smiling. "I know." She turned her kind blue eyes on her, lowering her voice so her husband couldn't hear. "I hear you did very well in your exams. Nurse Simmonds told me recently that if you get your training hours in you could sit your final exam next year."

"Yeah, we've spoken about it. I've been picking up every hour I can, really. I want to surprise dad."

"He'll be very proud, Joanna. We both are." She gave her a one-armed hug. "I know Jim would be too. He would be here if he could."

"I know." She couldn't help but sigh. "He's a busy man."

The woman nodded, but said nothing more. Perhaps she suspected her real reasons on coming aboard – but she said nothing and Joanna was grateful.

"Right, we set?" Her father had turned his attention to her, and was picking up James' bag. "James, you thought of everything?"

"Yes."

"Are you sure, because you said that about camping, and we had to beam you that sketchbook. I sure as-."

"We'll be here for a few hours after we get back, James, if you remember something." Christine interrupted with a glare at her dad. She moved to her son's side and flattened down his hair with a worried smile.

The boy attempted to put on his best face. "Don't worry mom. I've got everything."

"I'll bring him anything he needs." Joanna added and the boy gave her a grateful smile.

She moved to her dad to say her goodbyes. She suddenly found her throat closing, and had to swallow several times. How did you say everything to someone you loved so much when you were scared you wouldn't see them again? Her dad's eyes mirrored her own and he embraced her tightly.

"I can't believe you're eighteen tomorrow, Joanna." He murmured.

She smiled at him. "About time too."

"Too damn fast in my opinion. I remember when you were just a tiny thing that use to watch my every move from your crib."

"You were interesting."

He snorted. "Well I don't hear that often."

"It's true." She hugged him tighter. "You were the best, dad."

"No I wasn't."

"You were." She reassured him. So he hadn't been the typical father. But he'd written to her every week. Every week without fail. Plus he'd taught her more about steadfastness and compassion than anyone else. She didn't want her dad going to war thinking he'd failed. She smiled at him. "Look how I turned out. You can't have done too badly."

He looked surprised for a moment, then chuckled quietly. "Damn right."

"Damn right." She echoed. She hugged him again. "Be safe, dad."

"You too, sweetheart." He squeezed her arm. "Don't forget - you might be an adult now I'm always going to be your dad. I'll still be here when you need me."

She had to force the lump away harder. "I know, Daddy. I know." She kissed his cheek. "I'll miss you."

"I'll miss you too. Go sort those doctors out at the Academy. They need a good McCoy."

"I'll do you proud." She grinned at him. Already she'd forced the doctors into organised obedience when she was on shift. She was good at giving hell.

"You always do. I love you."

"I love you too."

She embraced him one last time, then let him join his family on the transporter pad, his face paling almost instantly. No one hated transporting more than her dad, she thought affectionately.

"Joanna!" Her father had just opened his mouth to signal energise when James ran off the pad and launched himself at her. She'd already said goodbye to him once today, but he'd been distracted by packing and it had been rather vague, as was typical for an eight-year-old. She embraced him tightly, smiling down at him. She couldn't help but adore her half-brother. She'd taken him camping for a few days and he'd been surprisingly good company. He was handsome, with large brown eyes and sandy hair, and a sweet disposition that turned every woman to mush. Plus he was sincere, gentle and rather quiet – he'd definitely taken after his mother. Nevertheless, the older he got, the more fun she found him, although he didn't have the same rebellious streak that she did. Her dad probably counted his lucky stars with that one.

"You alright, bud?" She whispered to him as their parents watched.

"Yup." She could tell he was nervous. Tonight wouldn't be his first stay away from his parents, but it would be the longest, and James wasn't like her. He would get homesick, something she'd never been.

"You'll be fine, don't worry. You'll get to go to school with other kids – and Grandma will make you the best food you've ever had."

He smiled. "Better than yours?"

She laughed and messed up his hair. "Who do you think taught me?"

He looked a bit better. "Three months feels like ages."

"I know, but you know dad – he'll contact you every night. And your mom will always be there for you."

He glanced across to his parents, who were now hugging publicly – a rare occurrence that showed how upset they were. "But what if they die?"

She sighed. There was the stark reality of it. James was smart enough to realise that if he was being sent away, there was a significant risk. And there was – tension had almost hit breaking point in the demilitarized zone. Even at the Academy the strain was filtering through, with cadets speaking excitedly about being called up early to join the Federation forces – something that hadn't happened since the _Narada_ disaster that made Jim a captain.

"They won't, don't worry. Jim will get them through it. He's the best captain in Starfleet."

"That's what dad says."

"He's right. Earth will be fun, don't worry. Besides, you'll always have me."

"Will you come and see me?" She remembered worrying about that sort of thing once – about being alone, being forgotten. But James' situation would be better than hers had been. She wished she'd been sent to live with Grandma.

"Sure I will. Grandma's not far from the Academy. I'll come every weekend if you want me too."

He hugged her tighter. "You're my favourite sister."

She chuckled. "I'm your only sister."

"But the best one."

"Don't you forget it." She kissed him on the forehead. "Be good. Love you."

"Love you too."

James joined his mother and dad and she attempted to give her most cheerful smile as she waved and her dad signalled "Energise." Their forms disappeared and she took several deep breaths to steady herself. Nothing that she could do now except pray.

"I remember when you were that old." A voice said from behind her. Her heart swelled in response – because she knew it as well as her own. She turned and there was Jim, leaning against the wall behind Rory, the Ensign who'd beamed away her family. He was here. He'd come to find her. She wouldn't have to rescue him after all.

She found her voice with a smile that she couldn't hide. "Oh? How do you prefer me?"

Jim looked amused. "Dismissed, Ensign O'Malley – I'll see Cadet McCoy home."

"Yes sir..." He looked slightly scared. "But I promised Doctor McCoy-." Damn her dad. She knew he wouldn't have missed her vague answer when she'd said she'd return to the Academy after them.

"Dismissed, Ensign." Jim said equally pleasantly but slightly louder. Luckily Rory was sensible enough to know not to disobey any 'suggestion' his captain made, no matter how amicable he sounded.

She gave the Ensign a reassuring smile that made the man blush and he disappeared out with a respectful salute than Jim ignored. Thank goodness. Joanna felt giddy and attempted to pull her feelings under control.

"Eight or eighteen? It's a hard call."

She raised an eyebrow and folded her arms. "Is that so?"

Jim's eyes twinkled as he deliberately looked her up and down. "Maybe. Maybe not."

"That's not an answer."

Jim laughed. "No, it's not kid."

She frowned at him and attempted to keep her feelings off her face. "Don't call me kid. You do realise I become an official adult tomorrow."

"I heard that, Sassy. Look at you. All grown up." His eyes were on her face and filled with something complex. "I was worried you'd leave before I got here."

She smiled slightly, and attempted to ignore her hammering heart. "I was planning a jailbreak tonight if I hadn't seen you. Why do you think I'm here?"

"Ah, so the party was a ruse?"

"Naturally. I'm glad you managed to lose the Admirals though – I didn't fancy spending the next year on report."

Jim chuckled. "I think Admiral Brooks is too preoccupied for that."

Admiral Brooks? His name made her freeze. The man had turned up in the sickbay two days before with a supposed hand injury. She'd considered it peculiar – they didn't usually see such eminent members of Starfleet in such a place. However she'd treated him calmly, the way she'd treated so many others. She'd thought he wouldn't recognise her, years after they'd first met on her first trip to the Enterprise. But he had. He'd recognised her instantly – in a way that made her suspicious of his presence there in the first place. A brief conversation showed her that he hadn't just known that she would be here, but apparently was familiar with her entire academic transcript. He knew about her eidetic memory. He'd suggested that she should apply for the S.I. – that she was wasted as a nurse. That she could make a real difference. That information was the key to winning a war – a war like the Enterprise was about to face. It had been the same thing Lotoc had been saying for years, and if she had been a different person, she might have been tempted by duty to listen. However, she knew what being with the S.I. involved. She would never become a spy. Never. She hadn't forgotten what they'd done to her father. She'd told the man as much. Brooks had calmly pointed out that he could order her, could reassign her to the service. She had less calmly pointed out, that Starfleet Intelligence was a voluntary unit – they didn't conscript people into it, and until that changed, he could get lost. The Admiral had smiled, and politely left, and she'd attempted to forget what had happened because the man unsettled her. However, forgetting was near impossible for a girl with an eidetic memory.

"Joanna?" Jim was looking at her, and she realised that he'd been speaking. "You okay?" His blue eyes were assessing her with worry, and for a moment she considered telling him everything as she usually would, needing his reassurance and his thoughts. But he would be leaving tomorrow, and the last thing he needed was her problems when he would be faced with so many of his own.

"Fine. Sorry. I'm just worried... about what you're doing tomorrow." She hadn't meant to bring up such a serious topic. Clearly the worry was getting to her.

"We've been on plenty of dangerous missions, Joanna."  
>"I know."<p>

"Do you not trust me to take care of my ship?"

Oh Jim. He had no idea. "Of course I do. I don't trust you to take care of yourself."

"Well, my luck's still in."

"What if it runs out?"

"It won't." She shook her head at him. He was always so sure. He also did the most dangerous things without thought for himself, and recently she'd found that instead of reading letters of his adventures with relish, she read them with fear. He took her hand, eyes kind. "Come on. I don't want to think about tomorrow right now."

"What do you want to think about?"

He grinned. "It's the last night of shoreleave, Joanna. What do you think?" She could think of many things. None of them were particularly reassuring. He led her to the panel and put in the coordinates of the Academy. "I need a night away. I think the Enterprise owes me that."

Joanna smiled. "Won't she be jealous?"

"Nah. After years of constancy she knows she's the only love in my heart."

"You know, that would be almost romantic if it wasn't about a ship."

"It _is_ romantic – even about a ship." He lowered his voice conspiratorially. "Best keep on her good side – I am taking her into battle tomorrow after all."

The conspiratorial side of Jim never failed to set her heart beating. "Has anyone ever told you you're insane?"  
>"Plenty probably, but I stopped listening." He stood her on the pad and took his place next to her. "Computer, Energise."<p>

She had that disorientating moment that always came from beaming, and then her vision cleared and there they were, back at the Academy, standing on the transport deck.

"Captain Kirk, sir." Jim was duly saluted by the officer – the female officer - who cast an interested eye over her that she ignored. She took his hand again, just to prove she didn't give a damn what anyone thought, especially not a damned officer looking at Jim with calves eyes. Jim glanced at her, looking slightly confused but didn't release her hand.

"So where to, Joanna?" Jim asked her when they'd escaped the watching eyes and were free under the stars. She analysed him carefully. He was tired, she could see it in his whole manner though he hid it well. Tomorrow he leaving, and she knew it wouldn't be easy for him – he might be a tactical genius that had won the Federation more fights and freedoms than every other person combined, but war hurt him to his soul. Tonight he needed a night off from it all. He needed to forget.

"You need a drink."

"Is that so?" He looked both surprised and amused.

"Yep."

He chuckled. "Are you trying to get me to buy you alcohol, Sassy?"

She made a face at him. As if. She saw what alcohol did to her father. Her brief experience had taught her it had an equally depressive effect on her, and she stayed clear after weeping and bearing her soul to Toral – something neither one of them wanted to repeat. "Nope. But I don't how else to relax you without jumping off a building or something..." She suddenly thought of another way to relax Jim, and she blushed, forcing her mind away, but not before Jim had read her expression and laughed. Damn her feelings. Put them away Joanna.

"Come on. The Academy Bar will do sufficiently tonight."

"Okay..." The Academy Bar. That thought sobered her quickly. Not her favourite place. Japok had taken her there a few times when they were dating. She avoided it now for the same reason, though it wasn't hard. She was working so many hours so she could graduate early that she barely had time to eat and sleep, let alone worry about a social life. It was actually nice – the less time she had to spend at home with a bizarrely happy Toral reminding her of everything she would never have the better. He squeezed her hand, hearing her hesitation and gave her a thoughtful look.

"Do you want to try somewhere else?"

"Nope. The Academy Bar will be fine."

"Sure?"

"Yep." What was there to fear? It was still the summer holidays and most of the students were still away. Toral had spent it at the Academy with her, claiming she wanted to spend her free time better studying Humans, although Joanna was sure it had everything to do with Japok remaining to work on a project, but most had left to their families. She had stayed to work of course. And to avoid her mother.

They made their way through the grounds, past the various statues and buildings she knew well. "So how are you getting on at school?" He asked as they walked.

She shrugged. "Fine."  
>"You're not bored of sticking hyposprays into moaning cadets."<p>

She smiled slightly. "Maybe. But I get to help with the physicals now too."

"Ah." Jim gave her a knowing look. "Enjoying seeing your peers half-naked are we?"

She forced away a blush. She hadn't meant that at all. Jim, naturally, had a dirty mind. "I'm nothing but professional I'll have you know."

"I don't doubt it. But it's healthy to have an appreciation. Besides, I'm sure it works both ways. Nothing like seeing a pretty face when you're half-dressed and vulnerable."

She snorted. "Explains why you like nurses so much." She had a feeling he found himself half-dressed regularly.

"Absolutely."

She frowned reproachfully at him. "It might have been better if you had managed to control yourself around my supervisor though. Nurse Simmonds hasn't stopped going on about you. I can't decide if I'd rather you'd broken her heart so she'd shut up about you and have her hate me because I know you. You do realise she thinks you're coming back for her?"

Jim laughed. "Maybe I will someday. But she'll get on with her life soon enough and forget about me."

Joanna considered this. "Don't be so sure." She wouldn't have been able to. But then, she'd known Jim for a long time.

"Well, when I'm eighty it'll be nice to know I have options."

She snorted. "At this rate by the time you're eighty you'll have run out of eligible women."

"Nonsense. Women are born every minute."

"So you're going to start working younger?"

"Maybe."

She laughed, but out of genuine pleasure this time, although she didn't dare admit why to herself. "Well maybe I should take a leaf out of your book and start working my way up then. There might be someone nice with a similar attitude to you. Certainly anyone under thirty sucks so far."

Jim gave her a long look. "I can't tell if you're being serious or not right now Sassy."

"Oh I'm serious. I fancy myself a nice Admiral. They're younger these days. Maybe Pike. He has nice eyes. Or-."

"Joanna." Jim interrupted her, pausing from their walk with a hand on her arm. "Seriously. There's a name given to women who sleep with people at the top."

"Oh I see, so a man sleeps with a younger woman and he's fine, but a woman sleeps with an older man and she's doing it to further her career? That's downright sexist."

Jim raised an eyebrow, looking disconcerted. "You're right, it is. Even so..."

She gave him a long look, trying to read his emotions. Why did he care? "Surely it's fine as long as we like each other?"

"I suppose."

"And we'll both be consenting adults. As of midnight, anyhow."

"Right."

"So what's the problem?" She was beginning to enjoy herself.

Jim frowned, looking self-reflective. "I'm not quite sure. I suppose... well I want you to be happy. I can't see you having lots in common with someone so much older than you. It would be like you and that Vulcan."

"We get on fine don't we?"

"Yes. But that's different."

"I don't see how."

"Well, there's only sixteen years between us for a start."

"That's true. Maturity-wise we're definitely the same age. Or actually, I'm probably older." She raised an eyebrow and Jim grinned.

"No way are you older than me."

"Sure I am."

"Nope, definitely not." He didn't allow her to argue further. "What I am trying to say, Sassy, is that I, at least, am not old enough to be your father."

"Well, that all depends on how adventurous your youth was." She smiled sweetly at him, though to be honest the idea did worry her somewhat. Not that it would have made any difference. "For all we know you could have a daughter the same age as me. Maybe there's a whole series of mini-Jims about."

"No, there's not." He said assuredly, and somehow that made her feel better. "And it would be impossible for one to be the same age as you. That would be sick. Anyhow, what would you do with an old man? How would he keep up with you? Not that I'm saying Pike doesn't have lovely eyes and all."

She laughed at his sincerity and couldn't help but reassure him. "Well don't worry. I've given up on men for the time being – old or otherwise." She took his arm and they began to walk again.

"Why's that?"

"I suppose I'm just waiting for the right one to wake up and see me." If only he would.

"Maybe they're just waiting for you to wake up and see them." She snorted. She already had. That was the problem.

"Well, I'd be best keeping my options open then. Talking about love-life, how's that woman you met on Boradis?"

Jim looked surprised. "How do you know about her?"

Really? He couldn't see his own pattern? "The last planet you visited was Boradis. There's always a girl."

"You sound just like your father."

"I hope so. Don't you get bored? Don't you want... I don't know. Someone to come home to? Someone you don't have to worry about seducing? Someone you can be yourself with?"

Jim chuckled, and glanced at her. "Who exactly do you think you are to me, Sassy?"

The warmth that filled her had no comparison. She found herself entirely unable to speak. Mostly because she was having to resist the urge to throw her arms around him. His offhand comments often caused that reaction. She sometimes wondered whether he had any idea what he did to her and her hard-sought control. She fought herself away from anything crazy and they walked in silence.

The bar was brightly lit and teeming with people. The Enterprise was clearly not the only ship in orbit, and the Bar was often a place for reminiscing officers in addition to the constant ground crew at Starfleet Headquarters. Add that to the cadets who'd stayed here over the summer and there was quite a crowd. She already recognised several of those seated near the entrance. She hoped none of them recognised her. She didn't want to waste her night with Jim talking to anyone else.

Jim ordered them both a drink and they took them to a nice table in the corner. He was beginning to look relaxed, watching the people around them with interest. She'd forgotten how attractive he was, with those blue eyes lit in the dim light, his shirt stretched across his shoulders. She spent a frustrating amount of time imagining touching him. Not the way she always touched him, but properly, like she wanted to. He caught her studying him, and smiled at her as she blushed.

"Three-o-clock. Blonde in the red." Was his only comment. Joanna smiled in reply, instantly knowing Jim's game. It was the game they'd played many times before, although she tried to forget the part where any one of them might be taking Jim home tonight. Instead she turned and assessed the woman herself as Jim continued. "Ensign. Two years in. A career engineer – but she's struggling to get the grades. Her minds too caught up with her boyfriend. He's serving away, probably on a starship. Probably cheating on her – and she's worked it out. She'll take any bit of comfort anyone's offering to feel good about herself."

Joanna laughed softly in agreement. "Alright. She was an easy one." She was never one to be outdone. She surveyed the bar and found another target. "Lady, six-o-clock, at the bar. Brunette."

"Yep, I see her."

She assessed her carefully with sharp eyes, taking in every detail. "She's an admin, has been for the last ten years. Hates her job. Always wanted to be in the field, in command, plenty of qualities that are transferable. She had good grades, did well in the Academy, but had a pushy husband and one- no two - children. She felt she couldn't pursue things. They're divorced now, but she works for a pushy admiral instead. She's just waiting for someone to see her worth and do something about it – she's not the sort of person who'd do it herself. She's meeting someone tonight. A friend but she wants it to be something more. She doesn't have the confidence to act so it'll probably go nowhere."

Jim snorted. "Alright, you've improved. How did you get the number of children?"

She shrugged. "She has a stain of baby food on her dress sleeve – nothing else I can think of would leave such a stain. It's one of those artificial brands, you know? Then she has paint around her nails where she hasn't quite washed it off."

"So?"

Jim was giving her his full attention and she tried to go through her reasoning carefully. "Well, she lives in Starfleet accommodation, so she wouldn't be repainting her home – and certainly not in that colour of red. That suggests she was painting with her child. And a child that's old enough to paint wouldn't still be eating baby food. Hence two children."

"And her friend?"

"Her clothes." She pointed out what Jim had taught her. She'd clearly made an effort with her make-up, and her dress, which was a nice cut and accentuated her best assets, but was plain. As was her hair, as if she didn't want to try too hard. If you were going on a date you wore your best clothes, and made every effort to try hard. This clearly was a woman who wanted a man to take notice of her, but didn't want him to think she thought their meeting was a date. She didn't want him to think she had expectations, because she was expecting to be shot down if she did. It was sad really.

"Not bad." Jim grinned.

"Thanks."

"But I think you're wrong about the going nowhere part. I think she just needs a push in the right direction."

"What? How?"

"You want another drink?"

"Nope."

"Well, I do. Watch and learn." He winked at her and disappeared to the bar. She watched him order, then place his mouth to the brunette's ear and murmur something. The woman looked up to him in surprise, then blushed in the face of Jim's smile. He said a few more words, the woman's eyes widened further. Jim stroked her hand with a finger in a rather seductive manner, then turned and left her alone. The woman blinked a few times, then smiled to herself. Joanna could already see that she was sitting straighter, that she was already more confident.

Jim took a seat next to her with a self-satisfied smile. She frowned at him. "What the hell did you do?"

"Gave her a push."

"How?"

"Told her she had lovely eye, and a better smile, and that no man in his right mind would be able to resist her."

"And she listened? You're a complete stranger."

"That's the point, Joanna. She was hardly going to trust someone she knew to tell her the truth."

Joanna pondered this. "That's smart."

"I know."

She shook her head at him. "Why did you do it?"

He shrugged. "Everyone deserves a chance at happiness, don't you think?" She raised an eyebrow at him. Jim was a romantic. There was no doubt about it. For all his protestations that it could never happen to him, he liked seeing people together and happy. "Besides, if it all goes wrong, I'll help her feel better later." And he was also a womanizer.

She snorted. "How touching."

"I aim to please." He glanced across to the couples on the dance floor, and Joanna felt a stab of worry. That was the other reason she didn't like this place. She hated the smug couples on the dance floor. Japok had thankfully never asked her to dance – which was good because she couldn't. Dancing wasn't in the list of things a student on Cerberus was expected to know. Apparently all Vulcans, even half-Vulcans, could dance almost instinctively. Joanna knew music, loved and felt music, but unfortunately lacked the grace. Now Jim would ask some woman to dance and she would have to sit here like an idiot and watch.

"So, do you want to dance Sassy?"

Wait – what? She stared at him, and Jim looked uncomfortable. "What? Dance with me?"

"That's what I asked."

"But... I can't. You know that."

Jim gave her a long look. "You've never tried."

"Because I'd be awful. We both know the type of girls that can dance – you know, the tall, pretty ones with poise and grace. The ones like Christine Chapel. Not like me."

"I think you're graceful." His eyes twinkled.

She scowled at him. She didn't liked to be mocked. "Shut up."  
>"I'm serious. I've seen you fight, Sassy. It's not so different from dancing. You have to be aware of the position of your partner, and the position of every limb, and find the rhythm. You're good. You'll be fine at dancing."<p>

She wanted to believe him. "There are too many people, Jim."

"So you're scared?"

"No... I just don't want to embarrass myself."

"You won't. I won't let you. Besides, what's the point of wearing a dress like that if you weren't planning on dancing?"

She opened and closed her mouth. She hadn't thought he'd noticed her dress. Then again, few things made it past Jim. She usually wasn't the sort of girl who took any notice of her clothing or appearance, but the knowledge she'd be going to the Enterprise, and hopefully see Jim, had made her take more notice today. The reason was obvious – she didn't even bother attempting to deny it to herself. She'd brought the dress a while back, planning on attending the end-of-year Nurses ball with Japok. Since that had all fallen through, and she'd spent the night home alone, the dress hadn't made it out of her wardrobe until this morning, when she'd thought what the hell, it was her birthday – why shouldn't she wear it? It wasn't glitzy or glamorous, but neither was she. It was plain, tailored to her curves, cut to her knees and soft gold in colour. And when she spun, it flowed outwards and floated. Jim was right. It was a dress to dance in. Damn it.

"Can't a girl wear a dress without wanting to dance?"

"No, not one like that. Dresses like that mean that men like me have to ask you to dance. Look around Joanna, there's plenty of men that are thinking about it." She did look around, and to her surprise found a few glances in her direction. Jim looked amused. "Better that I ask you first than some stranger, don't you think?" Yes, yes she did think. "Come on."

He took her hand and led her to the floor. He stood her near the middle, other couples hiding them from spectators' eyes. She felt her heart race when he smiled and took her hands, placing one on his shoulder.

"Relax, Sassy." He kept one hand in his, and put the other firmly around her waist, steadying her. "Stop over-thinking everything and trust me."

She smiled slightly. "I'm not over thinking." Nope, Jim was effectively sapping all her thoughts with his hands and his eyes.

"Sure you are. I can hear your brain working." Well, it was having to work twice as hard to stop herself doing something stupid. "Just follow me, alright."

"Okay..."

He pulled her closer. She barely came up to his shoulders, even with heels. He took a step and murmured to her. "The key to dancing is nothing that you've learnt in one of those Inter-planetary Relations classes. The key is just to follow your partner. Watch and feel what they do. They will give you every prompt that you need." She felt him take a step back and moved with him. Then to the side and she moved again. "And as simple as that, you're dancing."

She smiled because she was, and it wasn't that hard. She followed him move after move, and found after a while that she didn't have to think so much after all, that moving with Jim was almost instinctive. Jim spun her out suddenly and pulled her back in just as gracefully.

"Show off." She couldn't help but match his grin.

"Just wanted to see that dress." He squeezed her hand.

"You know, I'm not sure I'm flattered you're paying more attention to my dress then me. Is that what you do with all your dance partners?"

Jim gave her a sultry look that made her heart beat slightly faster. "Well, usually I'm working out how exactly to get the dress off them."

She snorted, unable to take his words seriously. "Smooth. Do you say that to the girls too?"

"That all depends."

"On what?"

"On who I'm dancing with."

She grinned at him. Two could play at this game. "So, is your focus on my dress because you're expecting to take it off me then?"

As expected Jim looked momentarily unbalanced. However, as usual he recovered himself well. He met here eyes with a complex look. "That all depends too."

"On what?"

"On how flammable that dress is. Because you being on fire is the only scenario I can think of that would require such an action."

She chuckled, ignoring the disappointed feeling inside. What was she expecting, exactly? "Jim, hasn't anyone taught you stop, drop and roll? When someone's on fire you don't remove their clothing."

Jim smiled slightly. "Is that so? Luckily for me it isn't general knowledge."

"Yes it is. You know, you're incorrigible."

"I know." He spun her again and she rolled her eyes as he firmly brought her back to him again. "But just so we're clear, I do like your dress." He gave her an intent look that made her heart beat even harder. This wasn't helping her resolve.

"Thanks." She blushed and cursed herself for it.

Jim looked amused. "Now, as you can see, you've mastered the second fundamental part of dancing."

She frowned. "What?" She wasn't doing anything different.

"Well, the main point of dancing is to get to know your partner. You talk to them."

She rolled her eyes. "I might be wrong, but from what I've seen of dancing, there's little talking and much touching." Usually people used it as an opportunity to get to know someone else's body. In fact there were several prime examples on the floor with them right now.

Jim, to her surprise and amusement, looked awkward. "Well, that's not wrong... but that's for a different sort of couple, and a lesson for another day."

She smiled because one day she was going to get him to give her that lesson. It would definitely prove interesting. "I bet. So what do you talk about?" She could hardly repeat this conversation with another partner.

"Something dancing related is usually a safe subject. The music, for example, or your partner's proficiency, if you like them. After that it's up to you. I suggest you flirt for all your worth."

She raised an eyebrow. "Why Jim, you are an excellent dancer."

"Thank you. You're not bad yourself."

She laughed. "Alright, that has to be the most boring topic of conversation in existence."

"What shall we talk about, then?"

"Don't you think the current political situation on Bajor is terrible?"

Jim grinned. "Very. We need to work on your small talk, Sassy."

"What's wrong with it?"

"Well dancing partners don't want to talk politics – unless they're in politics. Or past relationships – I'd stay well clear of that subject too."

She sighed and tried again. "So, tell me, what do you do for a living?"

"I'm a captain."

She put on a sickly sweet voice, reminiscent of the many woman she'd seen throw themselves at him, and, oddly enough, her mother. "A captain? Isn't that just fascinating. I've always wanted to meet a real Starfleet captain. But isn't that very dangerous?"

"Alright, that's creepy." Jim frowned at her.

"That's because you know me. If you didn't I'd have you under my spell."

He grinned. "Your spell?"

"Alright, my web."

"That's very predatory."

"I'm taking a leaf out of your book." The song took its final strains and Jim spun her again. He let her go, but kept her hand, and she realised how warm his body had been.

"Thanks for the dance, Jim."

"Anytime." He gave her a long look. "You certainly are a strange partner."

"I prefer the word refreshing, actually."

Jim laughed. "Alright Sassy."

They sat back down, but weren't seated for long. She was asked to dance by an Ensign on the USS Commodore. She frankly had no intention of dancing with him, but she saw how preoccupied Jim had become with a blonde at the bar, glancing at her every few seconds in a way she wished he'd look at her, so accepted with his encouragement. She knew that Jim had been holed up for the last two weeks and all, but she couldn't help but feel a bit... jealous. Alright, she admitted to herself, a lot jealous. Her partner seemed nice, but frankly she wasn't sure how you couldn't seem nice after four minutes of dancing and small talk. They chatted for a while, whilst she watched Jim flirt out of the corner of her eye with an ever sinking heart, then danced with an engineer from the Enterprise, who'd recognised her. She enjoyed his company more, even if she considered punching him after his third repetition of , 'Wow, you've really blossomed.' He was at least smart, had a sense of humour, and didn't mind when she talked politics, even if he developed the glazed look. Jim was dancing with the blonde now – an Ensign with a pretty smile and grey-blue eyes, dressed provocatively in a low-cut red dress that left nothing to the imagination. She was easily the most beautiful woman in the room. She also knew exactly who Jim was, she could see it in every touch and carefully contrived smiled that the woman gave him, in how she leaned close and squeezed his arm and looked him in the eye. Now here was a woman who'd happily sleep her way up. She was sure Jim realised this too – maybe he'd selected her for exactly that reason. Well they deserved each other. She attempted to push away the hot jealousy that coursed through her and focus on the words of the engineer. It wasn't easy.

After a while something prickled on the edge of her senses – that cold hand on her spine that she was missing something. She noticed an older man with grey-streaked temples watching her from across the room. She recognised him instantly – Admiral Chapman. Brooks' second-in-command of the S.I. She shivered involuntarily and tried to ignore him, but his eyes followed her every movement. Why was he watching her? She knew instinctively that this was not the sort of man who'd come here for a quiet drink alone. He gave her the creeps, but she perhaps could have just ignored him had not she had that conversation previously with Admiral Brooks. Now she was scared. What was wrong with her? What did she possibly think that an elderly Starfleet admiral was going to do? So she'd been rude to a senior officer. Brooks could have put her on report if he'd wanted to, but he hadn't. So why would he watch her? Or perhaps he was trying to intimidate her into joining up. Well, he had no chance in hell of that. Damn him. What the hell was she doing to spark so much interest in senior officers?

"Can I cut in?" She could have cried with relief when Jim touched the shoulder of her partner, giving him an amiable smile that clearly wouldn't take no for an answer.

"Yes, sir. Of course sir." Her engineer looked somewhat overwhelmed but immediately dropped his hands and stepped away. Jim seemed to have that affect on people – that obedience, especially from his own crew. She'd never been more grateful.

She met Jim's eyes and found he was looking concerned. How had he noticed her, when he was so wrapped up in that blonde? Especially when she'd been working so hard to keep her emotions from her face. Jim took her hand and her waist possessively and she shivered from the heat from his hands. He squeezed her hip.

"You okay Sassy?"

For a moment she wanted to step closer and have him wrap his arms around her, but this wasn't the place, especially with Brooks watching them so intently. Instead she shrugged.

"So, have you finished your business with that blonde?"

Jim gave her a confused look. "What? Yep – I'll meet her later. Joanna, Engineer Klonis – was he bothering you?"

She shook her head. The last thing she wanted was the poor man to get into trouble because of her. "No, not at all."

"Sure?"

Jim was reading her face with an oddly intent look. She realised then that they were dancing, and that she'd been moving with him automatically. She moved her hand down onto his chest, less of a stretch for her, and also because it felt right, and felt Jim's heart beating fast beneath her fingertips. She looked up to him again and smiled softly.

"Sure."

She expected a witty comment on how she'd looked like a scared deer or something, but Jim just pulled her closer, so that she could feel every plane on his body, and moved his hand from her waist to her back. Neither of them spoke for a while, and she let him calm her, shielding her from the watching eyes of the Admiral. She wondered how Jim always seemed to know instinctively exactly what to do and what she needed. He had done since she'd been a little girl. He'd just always been there – in person, in his letters. She just couldn't imagine life without him. And now he was leaving for war, and she was scared, so scared he wouldn't come back. What if this was it – the last time she had his arms around her? What if tonight was the only night she got to dance with him? What if she never got to told him how she felt, that hell, she'd never thought of him as her uncle, not once, and that all she wanted him to do was touch her and never let her go? That she wanted him to want her the same way he wanted that blonde – only more, more than just for one night?

"Joanna?" Jim's voice was soft in her ear.

"Yep." She didn't look up to meet his eyes. She was sure he would see everything, and after years of hiding it she was scared to let him.

"Tell me what's wrong."

"Nothing."

"You're hands are shaking." Damn it. So they were.

"Jim... I..." How did you tell a person so much in words? "The song's ended." Her mouth observed before her brain caught up.

Jim immediately took this as a hint she'd had enough. "Come on."

He took away his warmth and she felt sad, but he took her hand and led her to a table. He sat down close to her.

"You know we can talk about anything, right."

"Not anything." Not her feelings for him. Because if she did he'd run away, and she couldn't bear that.

"Yes, Joanna. Anything." He gave her a long look, reiterating his words and somehow, she believed him. Suddenly she wanted to tell him, because she was tired of keeping this huge feeling away from him when it only seemed to be growing.

"I'm... just worried."

"About what?" He probed calmly. She wondered how he could be so patient with her. She'd seen him on the Enterprise, on the bridge. He wasn't always so patient elsewhere.

"About-."

"Captain Kirk." She froze at the interruption, then panicked as she looked up into the face of Admiral Chapman.

Jim's face had become carefully emotionless. "Admiral. Nice to see you." He gave an empty bright smile. Jim didn't get on well with the leaders of the S.I. She didn't understand exactly why, but knew it was more than what they'd done to her father. However, he was still Captain Kirk, and knew how to fake it.

"I didn't think I'd see you here Kirk, the night before a serious operation."

"I'm enjoying what's left of shoreleave. What brings you here?"

The Admiral face was enigmatic. "Work."

Jim was standing, and she stood with him. "Well, good to see you, Admiral. Now if you don't mind, I plan to enjoy the rest of my evening."

Chapman gave him a long look. "I imagine. I'd be careful, Kirk. People will talk, seeing you up close and personal with someone so young. They'll wonder how long it's been going on." His eyes flicked to her, and she felt her panic peak. What? _What?_

Jim looked amused rather than irritated, but his eyes were steely blue. "Luckily I don't put much weight in other's peoples' talk. I leave that to you people."

"Perhaps you should. But you have a reputation. It would be a shame to have such... innocence..." He glanced at her again. "Dirtied by it."

Joanna's temper finally snapped. She moved closer to the admiral without thinking, shrugging off Jim's warning hand. "How _dare_ you. Don't you dare assume you know anything about our friendship. He's James Kirk - the most respectable person in Starfleet. How dare you even imply that he would... that we would... You disgust me."

She managed to reign control of herself before she did something really ill-thought out – like punch him. The anger coursing through her veins made it a satisfying idea. She turned and walked out of the bar, out of the square, onto the grass bank to one side, trying to force herself under control. Because she couldn't bear it – couldn't bear to think that people might think badly of Jim because of her. Growing up she'd always known that friendship with him came at a price. Her dad had always said that a friendship between a grown man and a little girl was just plain not right. She'd seen the looks occasionally aimed at them as a teenager. It had been part of the reason why she'd called Jim uncle when Nurse Simmonds had been drawing the wrong conclusion, because she hated it. Because he was Jim Kirk. He'd never go there, never take advantage of a girl sixteen years his junior. No matter how much she wanted him to every minute of every day. It just made all her feelings more complicated.

"Joanna?" She heard his voice but was unable to turn around, suddenly ashamed at her behaviour. How many Admirals could she piss off in two weeks? And Jim, who was always so controlled, had to see that. "Eighteen."

"What?" She turned to him in confusion. He stood next to her, looking down the grass to the pond at the bottom of the bank.

"I prefer you aged eighteen." She suddenly wanted to cry, the anger leaving her. They stood in silence for a moment as she controlled herself.

"I'm sorry." She said quietly, hoping the darkness concealed her expression.

"Don't be. I don't care Joanna."

"You should. You should care. You've done more for the Federation than anyone else. People know and admire you everywhere. How can he even think that you would... you know?"

"Joanna, it's okay." No it wasn't. Not even a bit. He gave her a long look. "What's really upsetting you about this?"

Other than the fact that he was too damn honourable to come near her, and other people couldn't see it? She shrugged and tried to calm her rapid mind again. "I don't want you to stay away from me because other people are idiots." She couldn't bear that he might leave her for this, the same way he would if she told him how she felt.

Jim looked surprised for a moment. Then moved closer and brushed her neck with a finger. Her heart was in her mouth, and she wondered what he was doing until he pulled the chain out from under her clothes, and touched the stone that was warm from her skin. The pendant he'd given her. The one she'd worn every day since.

"Joanna. Listen to me. I don't care what other people think. Did I allow your dad to stop me being your friend?"

"No..."

"Exactly – and he's someone I'd usually listen to. It would take lots more than stupid gossip to keep me from you."

She felt the weight on her chest ease slightly. "Promise?"

"I promise." She took a deep shuddering breath, pulling herself under control and Jim smiled at her, that smile that lit up his face and her world. "I'm touched I mean so much to you, Sassy. I thought I was that crazy old man you felt sorry for."

She couldn't banter over something so vital. "Of course you do. You're my best friend. You're..." He was everything to her. The blood in her veins. He stroked a hand through her hair, and suddenly she wanted to kiss him, to show him her relief and her fear that he would leave tomorrow and might not come back. To show him what he really meant to her. Because they were words she couldn't speak.

"Joanna?" He was reading her face with perceptive eyes. "I'll always come back."

She found tears in her eyes again, and was glad it was dark because all this emotion was embarrassing. She wasn't usually like this. "You'd better. Because I'll damn well hunt you down if you don't."

"I know you would." His voice was soft and sincere. They would always rescue each other. It was a given. Jim dropped his hand from her hair and traced the side of her face. It was too dark to make out the expression in his eyes but she leant into it for comfort. He kissed her forehead, a brotherly gesture that felt anything but, his lips lingering on her skin. "Come on. I'll walk you home."

"You don't have to Jim."

He took her hand in his. "I know. That's half the fun of it."

He made absolutely no sense, but she liked that about him. They walked side-by-side towards her apartment. "I had fun tonight." She finally said.

"Until a certain Admiral intervened." Jim pointed out.

Actually it had been until Jim had become preoccupied with the blonde, but she agreed with him. "Yeah."

"I had fun too, Sassy. A surprising amount."

"Why surprising? Don't you always have fun with me?"

Jim looked thoughtful. "Yes I do. I suppose sometimes I forget. Maybe I don't believe I'll be able to relax. Then you make me."

She grinned at him. "Told you that you were in my web."

Jim chuckled. "Apparently so."

"So... You've got somewhere to sleep tonight?" She couldn't help but ask.

"Yep." The blonde no doubt.

"She's pretty." She added jealously.

"Yes she is." Jim gave her a long look she didn't understand.

"Do you ever sleep with a plain woman?" She said more bitterly than she'd meant to, clutching at one last straw.

"Joanna, you should know by now – there are no plain women."

"Well, I'm hardly pretty." She pointed out. She knew it full well. Jim had even said it to her once.

"No. You're captivating. It's much better." He'd said that to her once before too, and it made her blush similarly.

"Sure it is."

"Don't you believe all the attention you've had tonight?"

She hadn't thought about it. "I don't know."

"Well I do. Joanna, you could have any man you wanted if you tried."

Any man? Not Jim, and he was the only one she'd really wanted. "Not any man."

"Are you talking about Japok? You never really wanted him Joanna. We both know that." She wanted to contradict him but she couldn't. "Trust me Joanna. You've got more power over the opposite sex than you know. You just have to look at them with those big brown eyes and they're yours."

She looked at him experimentally with her big brown eyes and he chuckled and put an arm around her. "I'll miss you while I'm gone."

"I'll still write."

"I know." He squeezed her to him. "So, have you thought about where you'll work when you graduate?"

"I'm applying for ship work."

"Is that so?"

"Yup. I'll probably end up on some space station somewhere."

"I think your dad might have something to say about that."

"Why?"

"Well, you belong on the Enterprise. With your family."

"And you."

He smiled at her brilliantly. "And me. Think of all the adventures we'll have."

It was all she'd ever wanted since she was small – to be on the Enterprise with him. To see the stars, to solve mysteries, to have adventures. "I can't wait." She said honestly.

Jim gave her a warm look. "So... We're here." So they were. She hadn't noticed she was back to her apartment. She didn't want it to be over, this night. She didn't want to leave him. But he would have some woman to seduce and she would go to bed and turn eighteen tomorrow with almost everyone she cared about leaving to risk their lives whilst she stood in a sickbay and did physicals on cadets that no one cared about.

"I wish I was coming with you tomorrow." She told him honestly.

Jim sighed. "War isn't any place you'd want to be Joanna. It's... hard."

"I know." And she did. She'd seen the after-effects on the crew after the Year War. "But I'd still come if I could. There's talk that they'll call up the cadets."

Jim's frown deepened. "I hadn't heard that."

She thought about Admiral Brooks's words to her. "I think that they're pretty desperate for people in some areas."

"Nurses?"

"I'm not sure." Then all of a sudden Jim hugged her tightly. She didn't understand what that meant. "It's fine Jim, don't worry. I'll stay out of trouble."

"Sure you will." Jim's voice was deep over her head. They stood like that for a long moment, as Joanna became increasingly aware of the body close to her and had to carefully regulate her breathing. She just couldn't help it and it was embarrassing, the amount she reacted to him.

"I should go." Jim said eventually, breaking away.

She nodded, hoping she appeared a whole lot less flustered than she felt. "There's some woman you need to seduce."

"I've done the seduction part already." He winked at her and she rolled her eyes.

"Well, have a good night."

"You too."

They stared at each other for a moment and Joanna didn't know what to say as emotions threatened to burst out of her. "Be safe." She finally managed.

Jim nodded, his eyes very serious, then bent down and kissed her on the cheek softly. "You too Sassy."

They watched each other for a moment longer. Then he gave her a smile and turned and walked away.

"Jim." She stopped him after only a few seconds, desperate for something more, something to hold onto. He turned. "Come back to me."

He smiled at her, his eyes dark and complex in the streetlights. "Always, Joanna. Always." He saluted her and she watched him disappear into the night.

She stood outside for a long time, until she realised that she was cold. She made her way up the stairs to her apartment with a heavy heart. She felt like a different person from the girl who'd left her home earlier this morning. The flat was dark – Toral would be staying the night at Japok's, leaving her alone tonight. She switched on a light, and changed out of her dress and into her shorts and top she wore to bed, then a thick pair of socks for good measure. When she realised that she'd been staring into space, preoccupied with thoughts of Jim the third time that night she realised she was acting insane and needed to sort herself out. She pulled out her violin and forced herself to recite every piece of music she could think of for a good two hours. When even that hadn't calmed her she sat down on her bed and practiced her nightly ritual of meditation, putting those horses away, clearing her mind. She was good these days, able to clear her mind effectively, but that brown mare always managed to creep back in somehow. If she was honest, she was probably allowing it – because she wasn't Joanna without feelings for Jim.

Just as she was putting that horse back away and focusing again on her breathing something tipped at the edge of her consciousness. She ignored it for a while, but when she felt it again, she opened her eyes. Her room was the same. Nothing had changed. Maybe it had been a bird outside her window. Then she heard it again. A tap at her window. She frowned and got to her feet, moving to the window. She saw nothing at first. And then she looked down.

"Jim?" What the hell? She opened her window, then ducked when another stone almost hit her head.

"What are you doing?" She hissed.

He smiled up at her in the moonlight. "Getting your attention."

"Well it worked." She rolled her eyes but couldn't ignore the confused pang of pleasure when he climbed up the drain nimbly and sat on her windowsill.

"Hi." He smiled at her like a little boy.

"Hi." She raised an eyebrow. "Is there a reason why you're on my windowsill?"

"Not really."

"Oh. Do you want to come in?"

He grinned at her. "Yep."

She made way for him, and climbed in. It was strange, Jim in her room. She'd had fantasies of him being in her bedroom since she'd been... well fourteen probably, and every single one seemed to simultaneously run through her mind as he stood and brushed himself off. And then he tripped over onto the floor, something he never did in her dream, or in real life for that matter, and she realised he was drunk. Very drunk. She could smell the alcohol on him. How the hell had he managed to climb in here?

"Jim?" She looked down at his prone form with a frown.

"Yep?"

"Why are you here?"

"Is everything actually spinning?" He voice was surprisingly slur-less too, but she supposed he'd learnt to hold his drink in the years with her father.

"No."

"Then I'm drunk."

"So I gathered." She pulled him up to sitting. "But why are you here?"

"Me and blondie didn't really connect."

"I see." She didn't really. She'd never heard of Jim not connecting with someone before. Her being female was usually enough. "So why didn't you go back to the Enterprise?"

"Because I wanted to sleep."

He made no sense. "So you went for a nightcap?"

"Well, alcohol doesn't work much these days."

She doubted she was going to get a straight answer, but she'd never been gladder that Toral wasn't here tonight. "Do you want to sleep here?"

Jim gave her a long look then nodded. She wiped some dirt from his face, feeling her heart ache at his sudden vulnerability. He'd come to her. That's all that mattered right then. He'd come to her.

"Come on. Let's get you into bed." He stood up with surprising stability and she led him to her bed, doing her best to ignore the times she'd imagined doing just that. "Take off your jacket Jim, you can't sleep in that. And your shoes."

"You're bossy."

"You're drunk." She retorted. "Do you need help, or are you going to do it yourself?"

He grinned at her. "Do you treat your patients like this?"

"Absolutely."

He laughed and took off his jacket, then his boots, and she decided it would be best if she didn't watch. She went and brushed her teeth and loosened her hair. When she turned Jim was watching her, lying on his side, head on arm.

She smiled at him and sat down on her bed cross-legged. He was making her heart beat hard but she was hardly going to take advantage of him when he was intoxicated.

"So, what you been doing since I last saw you?" He asked interestedly.

"Practising my violin."

"Your violin? I love it when you play your violin."

She blushed slightly and frowned at him. "You've only seen me play a handful of times."

"They were a good handful."

She rolled her eyes, secretly pleased. "What have you been doing?"

"Seeing Blondie."

"What happened with her?"

Jim frowned. "I don't really know."

He didn't remember? "Were you drunk?"

"No... no that was after... I don't know why. It just didn't feel right." It was weird, Jim talking about his feelings like this. Alcohol was making him more open, less able to hide his thoughts. She rather liked it.

"So it didn't feel right, and you decided to get drunk."

"Something like that."

"And then you turned up here?"

"Couldn't sleep. I'm not good at sleeping alone."

"I see."

She stroked his hair. "Lie down properly Jim. You've got a big day tomorrow."

"Don't I know it."

He obediently put his head on her pillow, turning onto his back, and on impulse she laid on her side next to him. "Are you worried? About tomorrow?"

Jim looked up at the ceiling. "Of course."

"Why?"

"Because some of my crew will die. And I'll have to face their families and explain to them how I got them killed."

Oh Jim. "Jim, that's the risk we take when we sign up. We risk our lives sometimes so that others can live in peace. You taught me that."

"I know Sassy. But when someone dies on your ship, you're responsible. All you think about is whether you could have prevented it if you'd done something different, you know? Made a manoeuvre faster, or plotted a different course, and whether they'd still be alive to see their kids next shoreleave."

She attempted to remain stoic. "You shouldn't think like that, you know. You can't start second-guessing everything you do."

"I know. That's what Pike says. Make your decisions, live with the consequences. Hell, but when I retire Joanna I'm going to have an awful lot of blood on my hands."

She took his hand in hers and placed it between them. "Your hands are clean Jim."

He snorted softly. "You always think I'm some sort of hero."

"You are." She affirmed, because she knew this as sure as she knew that the sun would rise.

"I make mistakes, Joanna."

"So does everyone. It's what you do to rectify them that matters."

Jim turned on his side to face her and ran a hand down her hair with a frown. "You know, sometimes I forget you're only seventeen."

She smiled. "Told you I was older than you."

He chuckled and they fell silent, his hand continuing to stroke her hair. This was nice, lying in bed with Jim, not weird at all. Not what she'd been expecting when she'd imagined him in a bed, but somehow this was better, because those thoughts sometimes scared her with their intensity, and this didn't.

"Jim?"

He glanced at her. "Uh oh. You have that look on your face. What do you want to know?"

She had no idea what look he was talking about, but wasn't going to turn down the opportunity. "Why don't you sleep alone?"

His hand paused and she immediately wished she hadn't asked. However his eyes were warm when he looked at her. "Are you taking advantage of my drunkenness to ply me for information?"

Well, she had to take something from this situation. "Yes."

"Fair enough."

She felt emboldened by his simple acceptance. "So?"

He back onto his back, staring at the ceiling again, not meeting her eyes. "You really want to know?"

"Yes."

He took a deep breath. "My stepdad – my mom's third husband... Well I was only a kid when she married him. Seven or eight years old." He held her absolute attention. She rarely ever heard Jim speak about his time before joining Starfleet. He'd only spoken about school twice with her, and everything she knew about his childhood had come from Christine or her dad. "He seemed a nice enough guy. Only he liked kids more than he liked my mom. He used to come into my room some nights and..." He didn't finish and she felt herself freeze. He couldn't be saying what she thought he was saying could he? That he'd been... hell she couldn't even finish the thought in her own mind. "I've never really liked the dark after that. It's just easier to sleep if someone's there with me. A distraction." Oh hell. Oh hell, oh hell, oh hell. She never thought about why Jim was like how he was. She just accepted him for him, just like he did for her. Now some things made sense, like his reaction to her in the ditch on that disastrous camping trip. She reached out and stroked his face and he turned his blue eyes to her.

"Damn it, Sassy, don't cry." She hadn't realised she was, though her chest hurt so much it made sense. "I shouldn't have told you that. I've never told anyone before." He reached out and wiped the tears from her face with an uncomfortable look. "I'm sorry."

"No, please Jim. Please don't apologise." She couldn't bear that, as heartsick as she already was. She pulled herself under control with some effort, seeing how the tears distressed him. "I'm just... What did you do? How could you bear it?"

He shrugged. "I didn't. Eventually I shot him."

That should have upset her, Jim shooting someone. All she could think of was that she was glad of it. "Did he die?"

"No. I wasn't a very good shot then. I put him in hospital for a while. My mum was pretty angry." Angry? She was _angry_? Where had she been, when she was supposed to be protecting him? "She sent me to stay with an aunt for a while, and when I came back she'd divorced him and married someone else." She pulled him to her and hugged him, for once not caring if he saw how she felt about him. "It's alright Joanna." He said into her shoulder. No it wasn't. It wasn't alright. Then another thought occurred to her. Jim was very drunk. He wasn't going to remember telling her this in the morning if his legendry amnesia following drinking sessions with her dad was an accurate indicator. That made her feel better, because as close as she was to Jim, she wasn't sure about how he'd feel about her knowing some of his deepest secrets. And as much as she didn't mind carrying them, she knew she wanted to pretend she didn't know, to pretend he hadn't just told her that.

She leaned back and stroked his cheek. "It's not alright." He looked at her with an exposed look and she realised he'd think she was judging him now she knew what had happened. "But it doesn't change anything. You're you and I'm me. No matter what happened in the past, I wouldn't change who you are now."

He gave her a smile that she didn't deserve. "I'm hardly perfect."

"Nope, you're irritating and self-assured, and frankly not that nice to women. But you're also kind, and brilliant, and noble, and the best friend anyone can have. The good outweighs the bad. No one, nothing that happened in your past, can take that from you."

Jim gave her a long look. "Sometimes I don't think I deserve you, you know Sassy."

She snorted, attempting to lighten the mood because it was that, cry or kiss him until he forgot his name. "Probably not, but then who does?"

"Not anyone I've met so far." Jim smiled a little.

"Only your darkest enemies, I imagine."

"Well, your wrath is quite terrifying. I imagine Chapman will be sleeping with the light on tonight."

"He'd better." She said darkly. "But more likely he's plotting my downfall."

Jim looked confused and she changed the subject quickly. "Tell me a story Jim."

"Aren't you too old for stories?"

"It's my last night of childhood." She pointed out. "And it's bedtime."

"Well when you put it like that... What type of story?"

He had to ask? "The Girl with the Red Balloon." She replied promptly.

Jim frowned. "I think I've told most of my stories about her."

"Well tell me one again."

"Maybe _you_ should tell _me_ a story." He retorted. "After all, you're supposed to be the elder of the pair of us, and have the magical memory and all."

"Fine. I will." Jim looked surprised but she pulled a blanket over them, then curled into his side, placing her head on his shoulder and a hand on his chest. "If you want me to."

He ran a hand down her hair. "I do."

"Good." She thought quickly, going through the memories of the stories Jim had told her over the years. Then she remembered one she particularly liked. She heard Jim's voice in her mind, and echoed his words, minus her own interruptions. "Once upon a time there was a girl with a red balloon."

"One day the girl was travelling through a dark place full of bad people. She was alone, and a little bit scared, but she was always brave, so kept going, even when everyone else told her to stop. The girl was sensible, and watched the bad people carefully. She knew that people weren't always as bad as they pretended, they just listened to the darkness in themselves more than the light. The girl realised that with some help some of these people could change, that she could help them. But to do that she would have to go among them. Now one man had caught her eye early in her travels. He was the worst of all of the bad people, a bully, who was just plain nasty. However, the girl saw the good in him. She noticed that he was never horrible to her. She also noticed that where she'd thought there was only badness, there was other emotions the man was hiding. She realised the man didn't want to be bad anymore – but that he didn't know how to be good. So she decided to give him the opportunity.

"One day the bad people were all together eating their food. The girl hadn't eaten all day, and she was hungry. She asked them if they would share but they all laughed at her. Then she turned to the bully and asked him if he would share some food with her. Unlike the others he did not laugh – but he was unkind to her. The girl was not fazed. She remained kind to him. She told him that whereas she'd expected the rejection from the others, she hadn't from him, because she'd noticed something different in him. She told him that she believed he was good inside, and was just hiding it. Then she walked away. That night she found a small parcel of food on her pillow. The next day the same thing happened, and the next night again she found a parcel of food for her to eat on her pillow again. On the third day, finally, she caught him placing the food. 'Why are you helping me?' She asked him. The man frowned and told her that it was because she believed in him, and no one had ever given him a chance to be good before. "But why so secret?" She asked. He said that he couldn't be that way around the others, that if they thought he was soft they would hate him, and he had nowhere else to go. The girl realised he needed a way out. "Travel with me." She offered. So he did, and looked after her in the dark places. He became a better person than even she had thought possible, and neither of them went hungry again. The end."

Jim was silent in the darkness, and she lifted her head from his chest to the pillow next to him to scrutinise his face. He looked sad. So sad and she didn't understand but she desperately wanted to.

"Jim?" He glanced at her. "What happened to her?"

His eyes went wide with unconcealed pain and she instantly was scared to know. Because she was real. There was no doubt in her mind – somehow the girl with the red balloon was real. "I mean..." She changed the question. "Did she, you know... fall in love and get married?"

Jim turned to her, stroking her face. His eyes fixed on hers without waver. "I don't know, Sassy. I don't know if she fell in love. But someone loved her. He loved her very much."

They looked at each other for a long moment and she tried to read his thoughts in his eyes. The computer behind her bed flashed and she glanced at it. Midnight. "It's tomorrow, Jim." She whispered. "I'm officially an adult."

He gave her a long look that made something run molten through her. His voice was very soft, his hand still on her face. "Happy birthday, Joanna." Then slowly he bent his head closer to her own and she stopped breathing, her eyes fluttering shut, as he touched his lips to hers. For a moment she was frozen, absolutely frozen, as time stopped, and then, as heat flooded her, she realised she could kiss him back. She felt his lips move softly over hers and matched them, tasting the alcohol on his breath, the peaks of his lips, and his heartbeat beneath her fingertips. It was gentle and undemanding - one of the most chaste kisses she'd ever had, but it burnt through her like fire, awakening every sense – because it was Jim, and it was her, and hell, nothing had felt more right in her life.

When he finally broke from her she was breathing hard, but kept her eyes shut, hoping that he would do it again. After a few long moments she looked at him, and found his own eyes shut, his breathing shallow. He'd fallen asleep. Something in her heart broke. Because she knew, knew without doubt, right then and there, that she loved him absolutely and completely. Not as a little girl loved her best friend, but as a woman loved a man. It wasn't new - she'd had feelings for him for a long time and had tried to shrug them off, hide them, rationalise them, but she no longer could. Because she was his. She would always be his. And he would never be hers. She felt the tears come to her eyes and ran a hand down his face. He would never be hers. He would never see her. And in the morning, he wouldn't remember this kiss, this kiss that changed everything. He would go to war with the ship that meant everything to him, and she would be alone, dreaming of him, wanting him, for every moment of it. The tears ran down her cheeks unheeded, as she studied his closed eyes, and wondered how to fix a heart that would never be full without him.

When she woke up light was streaming through her window and she instantly knew she was alone. Her chest felt heavy as she pulled herself from bed, unable to bear it without him. Then she noticed the tray on her dresser. She moved to it slowly, as if in a dream, and stared at the contents. There was a steaming plate of Ktarian eggs with dillweed, still warm, and a note, scrawled onto the PADD on her dresser. 'Happy Birthday Sassy.' She stared at it for a long time. Later she would wonder where the hell he'd managed to get Ktarian eggs from at that time in the morning, how he'd managed to make it without waking her dorm, and how it could be warm, but right then, right then all she thought about was the fact he cared. He cared.

She was still staring at it when Toral came through the door. The Vulcan paused gracefully with her keys in hand and cocked her head.

"Are you well?"

"I'm... yes."

"I see. What is the plan?"

She managed to turn her eyes to her friend. "The plan?"

"Joanna McCoy, I have noted your face takes on a particular expression after you have met with the Captain Kirk. Such looks are invariably linked to an action which is usually ill-advised. I was wondering if I would be able to observe this particular exploit."

Then her world restarted in double time and her brain caught-up. Ill-advised. Hell yes, she was eighteen years old. "How do you feel about a tattoo, Toral?"

_A/N – Well, more drama is coming up next. I know what you're thinking. Something has to give between them. They just need a push in the right direction, no? Well they're about to get one. The song for the next chapter is Heartbeat by The Fray. Thanks again for reading._


	19. The Bunker

18. The Bunker

_A/N – Hi everyone. Back to the drama of the current events. In case anyone needs a reminder about what's going on, Jim and Joanna have landed on Omicron – the planet the agent in the Stockade told them about – and found a genocide and some lovely beasts which fancied a mouthful of them. When we left them the animals had just burst through the doors where they'd been hiding and there was nowhere to run. Dum dum dum (dramatic pause)... And now the continuation. Thanks for reading! _

Oh you got a fire and it's burning in the rain

Thought that it went out, but it's burning just the same

And you don't look back, not for anything

'Cause if you love someone, you love them all the same

If you love someone, you love them all the same

And I feel your heartbeat

_Heartbeat – The Fray_

"Act, and you shall have dinner; wait, and you shall be dinner." – _Klingon Proverb_

Stardate: 2269

Jim: Aged 36

Joanna: Aged 20

The beasts poured through the door. The initial panic he'd felt at finding Joanna gone was only partially placated. He only caught glimpses of her shooting, her phaser lighting her up eerily, but he managed to activate the EM pulse he'd been building whilst defending himself. The high pitched sound made him wince as the beasts howled and dropped, temporarily incapacitated. He felt like dropping himself but grabbed Joanna's hand, ignoring her stunned look, and dragged her out of the door. She recovered well, and kept pace with him without protest after a moment. They ran back through the dark building. The beasts were back on their feet quickly – quicker than he would have hoped, and were fast on their tails. They needed to go up. They had no other choice. Joanna was leading them back up the stairs when something clicked in his adrenaline-fuelled mind. No other choice unless...

"Wait, Joanna." She gave him a wild look when he pulled her from the staircase. "We need to get outside."

She met his eyes for only a moment, then nodded and led him back through the maze of corridors and into the heavy falling snow. Jim knew what he was looking for. After a few steps he fell to his knees, hands sinking into the ground.

"Jim, what the hell?" Joanna hissed, earlier trust apparently waning. He could only just see her outline in the faint glow of a street orb as the growling and howling confirmed the beasts had caught up with them. They burst through the doors and the light of her phaser shone as she blinded the beasts repeatedly, stunning them in the blizzard.

"I need some time Joanna." He shouted across to her. Not long. Just to find what he needed.

"Of course you do." She muttered and he saw her rooting around in her bag with one hand, the other still using her phaser.

His hands finally met the metal he was hoping for as a ring of flames shot up around them, cutting the beasts off, at least momentarily. He smiled to himself as he used his phaser to break the lock and levered it open. Only Joanna could multitask in quite that way.

"Here." He called to her. She turned to him, only to have a black shape leap through the fire into her, knocking her down and requiring her to kick it in the face to prevent jaws fastening around her legs. His heart literally stopped, but somehow he shot some of the other beasts that were now leaping over the flames. She was on her feet again in seconds, stabbing the beast in the chest with a knife that had miraculously appeared in her hands, then making her way to him as the circle of predators got far smaller. He used the device to buy them a few more seconds, and whilst they were howling grabbed Joanna's arm.

"Down." He ordered her breathlessly. She peered into the black hole for a moment, then jumped. He would have at least thought she would have shined her light in first. She'd definitely got crazier. That said, he followed her seconds later, pulling the metal cover with him. It wasn't far down but he landed heavily on the dark wet floor.

"Jim? You alright?" He heard her voice a few feet away, followed by a light in his eyes.

"Yes. You?" He pulled himself to his feet, the memory of the beast going for her legs fresh on his mind. Had it bitten her? He felt her move closer and touch his arm, laughing quietly.

"That was close. What the hell was that thing you used to stun them?" Clearly she was fine. Damn, she was going to give him a heart attack.

He attempted some semblance of collected. "An EM generator. Spock used it once to get us out of a similar situation. I thought those things might react the same."

"Smart." She sounded mildly impressed and for some reason it made him feel better.

He grinned in the darkness. "I know."

She rolled her eyes. "I was referring to Spock obviously. Some warning might be nice next time though. I assume you were building it while I was asleep."

"Yep, but I was hardly going to wake you up to tell you. You looked like you needed the sleep. And we didn't have much time after that." He didn't dare admit he'd liked her sleeping in his arms. She looked like she always had in the dim light – innocent, and carefree. He'd watched her sleep before, and it always brought that same feeling to his chest, that warmth that was simultaneously new and unfamiliar. When she was asleep he could almost forget her earlier hurt words, and the way it had made him feel. Hell, but just remembering was making him feel guilty again, and he didn't do well with that sort of burden.

"Nice move with the fire." He commented distractedly. He could still hear the beasts above them, but they'd be unable to follow.

He felt her frown, surveying their predicament similarly. She made no comment on his praise. "Want to tell me why you've trapped us down here?"

Well he'd been waiting for that question. It had been a stroke of brilliance, even if he did say himself. He just hoped it stayed that way when he actually thought it through. "Tell me this, Joanna. When a nation is under risk of nuclear attack, what do they build?"

"More nuclear weapons?"

He frowned. Not the answer he was looking for. But, sadly, probably correct. Clearly she was still thinking like a weapons seller. Maybe she was a weapons seller. He still wasn't quite sure how the lines blurred with her. "Well yes... But they also build bunkers to keep their people safe. Bunkers under the ground."

She lit her torch again, lighting up her face so her face looked even gaunter. Then she understood and her eyes widened. "Wait... 'They came from below.' That's what the message said." She rolled her eyes. "I thought he was being metaphorical."

"Nope."

She grinned at him, new hope in her eyes. "That's genius Jim."

"I know. And no Spock in sight either." He warmed in her smile. It felt good, to finally be able to help her after feeling so powerless for the last few days. Apparently she'd put her earlier feelings on hold, thank goodness. Because he struggled to defend himself against them - even in his own mind. The gulf between them seemed almost insurmountable when he understood the depth of her hurt. But given the strength of his feelings for her before he'd left, that was probably for the best. He was struggling to control himself at the best of times right now. He'd been close to kissing her more than once on this trip – last night being the worse, because he couldn't bear to see her broken. Especially when he was the root cause. But he sensed there was more to her hurt than just him. Joanna had been broken in ways that made her wake up screaming from nightmares, shouting words that made no sense and scaring him half to death. He wished Bones was here, or even Spock, because both would know how to help her better than him. He guessed that kissing it better wasn't going to cut it – not even a bit. That didn't mean he wasn't willing to try of course. And almost insurmountable differences... well, he liked those odds.

"So, you think this tunnel leads to a bunker?" Joanna was surveying the dark walls with a slight frown, and he resisted another impulse to pull her close and hold her. He reassured himself it was just from the adrenaline and nodded.

"Hopefully."

She smiled and shouldered her pack. "Well, nothing like a nice walk through some dark tunnels to cheer you up after being attacked by giant monsters in the snow."

"Exactly." He grinned at her, because hell, he'd missed her and her strange sense of humour. Damn, he wanted to kiss her again. He pushed it as far away as possible and sighed. He wasn't good at this whole repressed feelings business, especially around Joanna, whom he'd previously been so honest with. But he was not going to seduce her. Not when he knew the consequences. His heart couldn't take it. "After you."

She rolled her eyes. "And they say chivalry's dead."

She took point, leading the way through the winding sewer. Hell, he hoped he was right and there was something down here. He had no idea what they'd do otherwise. Best not think of that. That message had to mean something. The messages of dying men usually did in his experience.

It smelt down here – not bad, just... different. Ancient mixed with damp and decay and metal. Metal... The floors were metal – unusual for a sewer. Joanna must have noticed too – although maybe not. She probably hadn't spent quite as much time in sewers as he had. The fact that there was no putrid smell added to the evidence that the city had been dead for some time. How long did it take for a sewer not to smell like a sewer? Unless it wasn't a sewer at all. If you'd built a bunker to save your people how would the people get in? You'd want many entrances, like bomb shelters, many ways to save as many as you could in the shortest amount of time... and maybe the city had been built right on top of these emergency tunnels. Which meant they were in the right place.

"Jim?" Joanna had stopped walking. He moved beside her and saw the large metal door. Definitely the right place. She was frowning, considering it seriously.

"Well? Are we going through it?" He asked her, earning a scowl. He knew what her answer would be of course, but knew how important control was to her at the moment, and allowed her to reason it out.

"Well, we can hardly go back to those beasts. But we don't know what's on the other side."

"Nope."

"It could just be another corridor." She continued slowly.

"Yep."

"Or more of those beasts."

"That too."

Joanna sighed. The worse decisions were when there was no decision really. "Well, you'd best get that phaser of yours out, Jim."

He touched her back in understanding, feeling her tension. "I hadn't put it away."

She nodded as if she'd expected this. "Ready?"

"Absolutely." She smiled slightly at his confidence – well he figured lack of confidence was hardly going to help right now – and together they began to turn the rusted lock that held the door shut. It opened slowly and with great effort on their part, but he found that reassuring. Clearly it wasn't regularly used – no one would be expected to be coming through it. He hoped. The lock clanged open and they pushed and stepped through.

"Holy crap." For a moment his eyes couldn't comprehend what he was seeing. Literally, couldn't comprehend it, because of all the things he'd been expecting to see, this wasn't it.

They were standing on an edge of a cavern – he wasn't even sure whether that was the correct word for the space that stretched as far in every direction as he could see. It was dimly lit, small lights flickering above and below them. And it was full of starships. Federation-style starships. More than he'd ever seen in a single place at once. There had to be over fifty, all complete, blinking lights tale-tale signs that they were at this moment being worked on. And they were the ones he could see - this space could be holding ten times the number. He couldn't tell if he was feeling excited or terrified. Maybe he was feeling both.

Hell, this brought more questions. Who was building starships? He knew for a fact that Starfleet only commissioned for new builds on this scale in times of war – and currently it was peacetime, meaning that no projects were underway. And if it wasn't Starfleet, then who? And where had they got the plans from to build them? Suddenly he could guess the meaning of the rest of that message. He understood why this civilisation had been wiped out – and what oaths they'd been asked to break. No one would look for a new fleet of ships underground on a pacifist planet in the backwaters of the universe. Especially when there'd be no one there to tell the tale. Whoever was behind this was smart – really smart to realise the potential of this planet. And absolutely evil.

Joanna had remained silent beside him and he glanced at her. Her eyes were huge but her face was blank with concentration. He recognised that expression. She was memorising every detail, her eyes scanning the scene in front of her like a grid. He was never sure exactly how her memory worked – he knew she could remember a conversation word for word indefinitely, and could draw an image perfectly after seeing it once. He also knew that she could remember things without even noticing them, and somehow rewind her memory to go back and re-scrutinise the images, picking out new details. It was how she'd saved them when the Enterprise had been taken by the I'sorta, and how she'd saved him several times since. But he knew it must go further – that her mind was a super-computer that even Spock envied. He wondered what it would be like to never forget things. To hold onto a memory perfectly. But honestly, he didn't envy her that. Sometimes you needed to forget. He'd been there through too much of Joanna's childhood. No wonder she got nightmares.

"I thought starships had to be built in space." Joanna's voice was soft and horrified.

He shook his head, his voice equally as hushed. "No, not necessarily. Some parts have to be completed in a vacuum, but you can create artificial zero-gravity for that. The main problem is space – they're just so big. Few planets have the room for such constructions."

"I guess we've just found one."

"I guess so."

She shook her head slowly. "Oh hell Jim." She rubbed her face wearily and he put an arm around her and comforted her for a moment, because whatever this meant to him, clearly it meant more to her. Hell, what exactly had she got into? Trading weapons was one thing... but this – this was on an entirely different scale. When they were done here he was going to find out everything she knew. Enough was enough – this thing threatened the Federation somehow, and protecting the Federation was his job. She wouldn't be able to argue with that. Or at least, she could try, but she wouldn't succeed.

She moved away after a moment, as strong as ever. "I need something more."

He smiled at her, because it was becoming typical of her. "Naturally."

Her lips turned up slightly in response. He liked that he could always get a smile from her "There has to be headquarters, right? Someone has to be organising this."

He nodded. "They'll have to be. And other facilities too – they need workers to build ships like these. They'll need somewhere to sleep."

She frowned at the ships ahead of her. "Where do you think?"

"Well, the surface isn't safe. There must have been accommodation built here originally. I imagine it's closest to the bottom – the safest place should they have been attacked."

"Great." She arched an eyebrow at him and glanced pointedly around their small ledge. "The ground." She grinned at him. "You want to jump?"

"I don't have the parachute." It had been destroyed in the snow.

She shrugged, her eyes full of that expression she'd always had when she was desperate and considering something particularly crazy as a kid. Hell, it made his heart beat harder. You just never knew what you'd get with Joanna. So many contradictions. She made him reckless. It was that damn persistent need to help her. Those brown eyes stopped him thinking rationally, and, according to Spock anyway, he'd never been good at that in the first place. "So who needs a parachute?" He grinned at her, mind assessing possible scenarios.

Joanna gave him a long look, catching onto his thinking immediately. "You think they'll have a forcefield?"

"Well, something has to stop workers falling to their death."

"You think these people care about their workers?" She looked sceptical.

"Nope, but I think they wouldn't have to bring more here than they had to. It would attract too much attention"

She knew he had a point. "I suppose we won't know until we jump." She said slowly.

"No." He held out a hand to her and held his breath. He remembered doing this once before, when she'd been followed by the I'sorta. She'd showed no hesitation then - she'd trusted him instinctively in a way he hadn't expected. He'd come to take it for granted. But he'd lost that, and now he saw exactly what she'd given him – because he knew Joanna. He knew how hard it was for her to trust anyone. And he wanted it again. He needed it. When she trusted him he trusted himself. She viewed his hand carefully for a long second, dark eyes deep and unfathomable. Then she took it firmly. The relief coursed through him and he squeezed it and smiled at her. She smiled hesitantly back.

"Ready?"

She raised an eyebrow as if he'd challenged her. "Absolutely."

He laughed. He couldn't help it. She was crazy. "Okay." He looked down and wondered if they should run, or just jump straight down. It depended on if the cliff was sheer he supposed. If it wasn't-

"Jim?" She broke his rapid thoughts.

"Yep?"

She looked solemn. "If we don't survive... that is..." He met her eyes and saw her swallow. He was torn between the need to reassure her, and fear to hear what she had to say. Well he took no parting words – he never had.

"Joanna – we'll survive."

"Jim-."

"We'll be fine." He touched her cheek to silent her and she looked up at him with dark enigmatic eyes. "Trust me." Her skin was soft and he traced her jaw. He had to stop touching her. This was not helping his resolve. But it was so natural to touch her – because he always had. Except things were different now.

She nodded silently and he led her back. No time like the present. They moved back through the door for a run-up, then with a look of silent accord ran forwards and jumped.

He didn't let go of her hand as they free-fell. The buzz made him grin, that mad out-of-control feeling he loved. Not much you could do when you were falling at obscene speeds and the ground was hurtling forwards to meet you. If he ever was going to die, he was fairly sure that this would be a great way. The ships moved past him as blurs, and he realised that they weren't slowing. He wondered if he should be scared by now – but truth was he wasn't, because he didn't doubt this would work. He luck would hold. It always did. And then, almost in echo to his thoughts, a cross-hatched shield slowed their descent so quickly he almost got whiplash, and they dropped neatly to the ground.

Joanna rolled onto her back beside him, gasping for breath and shot him a malevolent look. He chuckled.

"Well, we survived."

Her expression softened. "Apparently. But I am not jumping off one more damn thing with you Kirk."

He grinned. "Not this trip anyway." He was fairly sure she'd enjoyed it as much as him.

She rolled her eyes and pulled herself to her feet. "Come on."

"Well Jim, we're alive. I should have never doubted you and your genius mind." He mimicked her voice cheerfully. She rolled her eyes at him, and stomped off ahead of him, but he didn't miss the ghost of a smile on her lips.

On the floor of the cavern the lighting was poor, but neither of them dared to light their torches, and instead they stayed close to the cliff edge. They didn't have to walk far when they heard their first sound. It was the sound of a scream. A female scream – of real terror. He felt something akin to anger. Joanna paused, ahead of him, then turned and gave him a long look. It was a look of warning. He didn't need a warning. He wasn't going to do anything stupid. They inched forwards, and then the cliff dipped inwards deeply, into a cave. Light was spilling out into the darkness where they stood, and Joanna glanced round with a sombre look. The scream reverberated around its walls again, and he felt that instinctual part of him, that part that needed to protect, pulled, and his hand was automatically full of his phaser. He moved to pass Joanna, but she stopped him with a hand on his arm. Stay here, she signalled to him. Then, without any further warning, she ran into the cave. Damn, how had that got away from him so quickly? As if he wasn't going to follow. He was just in time to see a man, a bare-chested Orion, dropped to the ground, in front of Joanna. What the hell? She knew the Vulcan nerve-pinch? His thoughts quickly ceased however, when he saw the naked woman against the wall. She was a native, that much was clear from her green skin and blue hair. She desperately trying to cover herself and get away from them simultaneously, her voice incomprehensible but pleading and terrified.

Joanna held up her hands to her in the universal greeting of 'no harm'. "It's alright." Her calm voice made little difference. The woman reached the back of the cave, and seeing there was no escape, was sobbing. Joanna attempted to approach her but every step made her scream like a wounded animal. It was then that he noticed her eyes - those feral, empty eyes, and knew that she might be beyond saving. He'd seen plenty of slaves in his time. It be had been equally unbearable. Hell, he hated tears.

Joanna face was grim. He wondered if she recognised the signs of a woman repeatedly raped. It was a terrifying thought that perhaps she did. For a moment he didn't know what to do, his instincts to comfort tears battling with the knowledge that this woman would not want another man close. Joanna's voice soft, soothing as she pulled something from her bag. "We mean no harm. I know it was bad. We're friends. It's alright." She inched forwards, and he recognised the doll – the doll she'd taken from that house on the surface. She crouched next to the woman. "Here. It's alright. We're friends."

The woman eyed the toy carefully. She was pretty, probably a curse for her, and seemed mature – older than just a girl. Maybe she had had children of her own. Maybe she was even the woman from that room they'd been in. Her sounds ceased, and she looked up at Joanna properly for the first time, still holding that doll. Something in her face relaxed slightly. He realised just how clever Joanna was.

"Jim..." Joanna woke him from his musings with a word, and he immediately noticed the pile of clothes discarded on the floor. He picked them up and threw them over to her. Joanna touched the girl's hand and helped her dress with an expression he recognised – the detached kindness of a nurse. He couldn't have done that. He was suddenly glad she was the one to rescue her. He eyed the fallen man with a frown. Some sort of uniform was discarded on the ground, together with a disruptor. He examined it carefully but there was no insignia. Just a work uniform apparently.

"Go." Joanna indicated to the woman and pushed her from the cave. The woman needed no more encouragement and ran back to... where ever she'd come from.

They stood in silence for a moment. "They're not all dead." She eventually said.

"No." He agreed.

"I suppose the workers need some entertainment." Her voice was blank. They both knew what entertainment these people would want. Rape might not even be the worst of it. "I wonder where they're kept."

"We should find out." He said calmly.

She grinned at him, suddenly a little girl again. His heart began to beat hard. "Fancy freeing some slaves?"

"You read my mind."

She chuckled. "Well, we won't be very subtle."

"A diversion's never a bad thing."

"I agree." She raised an eyebrow. "You should put on his uniform while I tie him up." Jim frowned. He really didn't want to wear the uniform of such a man. Joanna scowled at him. "Hurry up. I can hardly wear it."

She had a point. The shirt would come to her knees. For some reason, the thought brought a wave of affection. He attempted to tell himself it wasn't because he was imagining her in his shirt. And nothing else. Damn. He sighed and changed quickly.

When he was finished she had the Orion neatly bound and trussed. She also stunned him for good measure.

"What, your nerve-pinch wearing off?" He attempted not to seem bitter. He'd spent years attempting to learn the nerve-pinch from Spock, but had yet to manage do it. It was more than just finding the right nerve – you had to project energy into the victim, a sort of shock that over-rode their nervous system. Somehow the whole projection this was a bit beyond him. It was galling that she could do it so well.

Joanna chuckled. She clearly could see his envy. "Just wanted to be sure he stayed that way." To his surprise she squeezed his hand. "Don't worry. One day I'll teach you, Jim. Come on."

They were moving back out when a quake ran through the ground. A feeling of foreboding ran through him as he grabbed her hand and pulled her against the wall.

"Earthquake?" He asked her quietly when the tremors subsided. What happened if you were underground in an earthquake? Did it make any difference?

She shook her head. "I doubt it, Jim." There was something in her voice. Something that made him wary.

"What is it?"

"Nothing..."

"Joanna?"

"Well... we're underground. There's no way out except through the tunnels right?"

He nodded. "From what we've seen."

"So how are they going to get this many fully built starships out of here?"

Oh hell. He hadn't thought of that. "I don't know." He looked up. "The only way would be to create an opening."

She nodded. "A big opening"

Damn. And what would the chances be that today was D-day? Now he thought about it, blinking lights tended to mean one thing – first flight diagnostics. And when he looked properly, he could see that thrusters were being tested. "I think we need to be done here quickly, kid."

"Don't call me kid." She met his eyes in the dim light.

He nodded. "Alright Sassy." He didn't let go of her hand. "Come on. We definitely need a distraction."

They continued quickly, near jogging. After a few minutes the lights grew brighter and he could see metal fencing. He could hear voices now, soft weeping and moans. And the stench – there was nothing quite like it. This was a concentration camp. He saw the guards at either end – so few for clearly many people. Clearly it wasn't just men that were keeping them inside – after all most would be needed to build those ships. No - it was winter above ground, and those beasts were roaming wild. If they freed them, where would they go? The only safe place they'd found was the rooftops. And the tunnels. They could stay there for a short time. At least until they worked something out. It had to be better than this, at any rate.

Joanna was eyeing the guard with a dark look. He touched her shoulder and shook his head. He had the uniform – he'd have the better element of surprise. He indicated for her to move round in the darkness and cover his back. She nodded and moved out of his line of sight. Well, here went nothing. No time for niceties.

"Excuse me." He called out and revealed himself to the guard – a Cardassian apparently.

"What?" The man's eyes widened, and he shot him. Another guard he hadn't spotted dropped when Joanna took him down. They stood still for a moment, but when no one moved he nodded to her and moved to the gate.

The camp was full of women, old and young – and a few young men, almost children. He knew there'd be others elsewhere too. First things first. He shot the lock on the gate and opened it wide. The women stared at him. No one moved. He waited. There was silence. He frowned, because he had no idea how he was going to communicate with them. Then Joanna joined him. She pushed the gates open further and walked right through. There was a ripple of words. Clearly Human women were a scarce sight. He remained outside – he could see the wary looks he was attracting. And then someone moved. The woman they'd saved. She moved towards Joanna timidly, holding that doll. Joanna reached out and took her hand, drawing her down to squatting position. It took him a moment to realise she was drawing signs in the dirt. Some of the other women were moving closer and were watching her movements. He felt another wave of admiration for her. Usually he'd have to resort to sign language, or Spock would use some gadget. This seemed better.

The woman with the doll nodded. Others looked horrified, or emotionless. Joanna stood eventually, turning and leaving.

"Come on." Her voice was soft and she reached for his hand. It occurred to him that holding her hand had become normal sometime on this trip. He didn't dislike it.

"But the women..." He said reluctantly.

"They can make their own decision, Jim. Escape isn't exactly risk-free." She gave him a long look. He knew she was right... but it didn't feel right just to leave them. Especially when they were so defenceless. "Not everyone wants to be rescued, Jim." She added. There was a bleak look in her eyes now, and he suddenly wondered whether she was talking about the women. He nodded, because he had no idea what to say, and she led him away. "They told me there's the headquarters are not too far."

"They said that?"

"Well not in words."

They moved back into the darkness and into silence. Not far wasn't quite the same thing to natives as it was to them. They walked for a long time. There were voices around them sometimes, causing them to hang back in the shadows. However, it was becoming clear that soon they wouldn't be able to hide. The lights were growing brighter, and there were rooms built into the sides of the caverns, barracks, where, if the coarse expletives and the mixture of the languages were any indications, the workers were living. Occasionally they saw a native woman, near to a window, or being dragged into a dark corner. Joanna held his hand firmer each time, as if giving him strength not to intervene. He wondered if he would be able to live with himself one day knowing he hadn't. At what price did you justify turning a blind eye and allowing something like that to occur? It occurred to him that there were things Joanna must have seen, as Antonia, to keep her cover. How far had she gone? Had she only seen? Or had she done...? Hell, he couldn't think that. He didn't dare. She was still the girl he'd known, a girl who'd comforted a scared woman with a doll to show she was a friend, but she could also become someone else – and he wasn't entirely sure how far that woman would go. Or could go. But she was still employed by Starfleet. Those oaths she'd taken, the same as he had, were still valid. Perhaps more so. It was a thin comfort.

They were coming to the far end of the cavern – the looming wall was heading closer. There was a light ahead, in the form of a tunnel. Well there would be – they'd want a nice safe place for headquarters. Somewhere where plans couldn't be accidently overhead. Damn, but if they went in there things could get messy. Would there be guards? Probably.

"Ready?" Joanna whispered.

He nodded, and thumbed his phaser. "We need to do this quietly." He murmured. They'd never make it out of here alive if they made too much fuss. There were, undoubtedly, thousands of workers. She nodded her agreement and they walked into the tunnel.

It was brightly lit but much larger than he'd initially thought, with some small caves at intervals widening it further. A place for sentries to stand, he supposed. They were empty for now though – lucky for them. They'd walked for about thirty seconds when he heard the sound of voices and footsteps coming towards them. Lots of voices. Damn. Joanna stopped, body tense. Well, he wasn't fighting that many unless he could help it. He grabbed her hand and pulled her into one of the caves. The voices were very close. He had seconds. His mind raced. Then he looked down at the small woman beside him.

"I'm sorry for this." She glanced at him with wide eyes. Then, before she could protest, he pushed her against the wall, covered her body with his, and kissed her.

She went completely rigid but he was just in time because the light flickered as the first of the group reached them. Damn, he needed this to be convincing. He might have the uniform, but he didn't want anyone looking close and noticing Joanna wasn't from Omicron.

"Work with me here." He whispered against her lips. Joanna jumped and seemed to come to. Then, to his surprise she stood on tiptoes against him, placed her wrists against the wall for him to hold in the controlled surrender posture, and hooked a leg around his waist. It was so un-Joanna like, so different from the way he'd always imagined kissing her, that he could have laughed. He could have almost convince himself of a ghost of a smile on her lips too. But the feet kept on coming. The kiss was mechanical as the people walked past, he couldn't think about it, didn't dare acknowledge the feelings that were raised. Joanna was just as tense, although he imagined they did a fairly good job of being full of a totally different type of tension. He'd seduced plenty of women out of necessity, and Joanna... well she was a spy. He guessed she'd done things like this before. She was certainly good at it. He began to hope they'd succeeded. Then he heard someone stop.

"Hey! Didn't you hear the alarm?" The voice was harsh, and strongly accented. Jim couldn't place it. He released a hand of Joanna and felt it slide down his side, towards his phaser.

He kept his own voice clipped. "I heard it. Thought it was another damned false one again."

"Not this time. The whores have got free."

He gave a strained laugh that was entirely real. "Well this one hasn't. She's liking it too." Joanna gave a whimper that could have meant anything, but her hand tightened against his. He was fairly sure she was going to kill him when this was over. He pushed her body harder against the wall to be convincing.

There was coarse laughter. "Well, you've found a decent one. Share her later – the others will be to broken to be up for much and some of us real men can show her a proper good time."

Jim forced another laugh and ran a hand down her legs. "I'll be sure to – but don't get your hopes up, I don't think she'll find an improvement." There was more laughter and joking and he grew impatient. He could only keep this up for so long. "Give me a few minutes to finish up." He finally said.

"A minute will do it more like." The laughter was even louder, but to his relief the feet were moving away again, down the corridor and away from them. They both remained motionless, waiting for further sound. When none came he finally released her, moving his head back from hers and gently freeing her hands. He saw the red marks on her wrists and was sure was she was going to have bruises. He hadn't realised how tightly he'd been holding her. She let her legs down from his waist gracefully, finding footing again on the ground, but said nothing. He didn't pull away. He should have. But somehow he couldn't bring himself to – because the part of him that he'd been so pointedly ignoring he couldn't overlook any longer. She met his eyes for a moment, and he saw a glimmer of... he wasn't sure. Hurt? And then he acted entirely on instinct. He bent down, cupped her cheeks very carefully, and kissed her again. Later, when he had to justify it to himself, he'd say that he acting because of adrenaline, because he wanted to undo some of the actions that he'd just subjected her to. But it didn't feel like that. Not at all. There was no hesitation in her this time, and her lips met his with a strange familiarity that he liked, opening her mouth to him immediately. He tried to be tender, to undo some of the damage he'd just done forcing himself upon her. And then something deep within him, something he'd kept hidden for so long, woke, and gentleness gave way to something more, something that filled his chest and made him hold on to her tighter, to kiss her with urgency, as feelings echoed in his mind and heart – memories of memories. Joanna returned his kiss like he'd always known she would in those dark dreams that he found so hard to shake, with her entire body, her entire being – a paradoxical action for a woman who could hide everything from him. And hell, he liked it. She burnt through him like a brand, until his hands were in her hair and he was lifting off the floor and back against the wall and she wasn't making a word of protest. And then he stopped for breath and his brain caught up. Damn.

He let her go again quickly and stepped away, turning his back so she wouldn't see his confusion. It was just a kiss. Just a kiss. He was breathless, and he tried to still it, shuddering. "I've always wanted to try that." Once again his mouth overrode his brain. He felt Joanna turn sharply. Hell he hadn't meant... "The old ruses are always the best." He quickly justified his statement.

Joanna made no comment and he didn't dare look at her face. What exactly did you say after something like that? Apologise probably – although she had hardly protested. Quite the opposite in fact – and that was quite a miracle. He'd half expected her to punch him. Hell, even if she had, he'd probably want to try it again. Apparently his feelings for her hadn't changed at all in the last two years. Had he really expected they would? No, of course not, but he'd at least hoped... But this was not the time – and definitely not the place to be dealing with this. So much for his resolve.

"Come on." He muttered.

They moved again through the passage. It was thankfully deserted, as was the room they moved into at its end. Apparently the diversion had paid off.

Joanna was frowning, preoccupied with the large display in front of her that seemed to be showing a map of the surface. He turned his attention to the PADDs spread across a large table in the centre of the room. They were full of schematics for the ships. He didn't need to look closely to know they were easily the Enterprise's equal. Who was building these – because it sure as hell wasn't the Federation. And how could they fund it?

Another rumble rocked the ground, far larger than the one before, and threw him from his feet. He managed to pick himself up after a few seconds, and searched for Joanna, who'd fallen by the map and was swearing quietly to herself.

"You alright?"

She shook her head. "Jim, you need to see this."

He moved to her side. The continent he'd seen from above was sketched out before him. There was a stardate written above – today's stardate if he wasn't mistaken. Uh oh.

"What's the problem?" As much as the alarm bells were ringing, he couldn't make the connection.

Joanna pointed to an area on the far side of the map. He noticed some crosses spanning the entire side of the continent. "I remember reading that... well when this people were still using technology, a thousand years ago, the population was too large to be supported by the land they had, so they reclaimed the land from the sea, and built a dam to separate it from the ocean. It's been standing for all this time."

He frowned. Joanna activated the map. The crosses disappeared. So did most of the continent. Oh hell. "They're going to destroy the dam?"

"It's a cover up." She pointed out. It was a good one. The water would fill the cavern – they'd be no trace on the surface of what had been built. Nor of all the people killed by the beasts – that would be wiped clean by water too.

"It'll seem like a cataclysm I suppose. The old technology finally giving way after years of lack of maintenance. No one will look closer." He shook his head.

"And no one will know about the genocide." Her voice was furious.

He took a deep breath. "Alright. How do we stop it?"

Her eyes were huge. "We can't Jim. Don't you see? It's already started."

For a moment he didn't understand what she meant. And then he realised... "The earthquakes." The earthquakes were a sign of the flooding that was to come, of the dam that was going to burst. "How long do we have?"

"I guess until the ships leave."

He pointed to the date on the board. "Which apparently is today."

"The ships looked finished to me." She nodded.

"But there's still plenty of workers on the ground. That's a good sign."

Joanna frowned at him. "Really? You think these people are going to save non-essentials? It's a cover-up Jim." He sighed. He knew that – and he'd seen plenty of similar actions the universe over. But that depth of depravity never ceased to surprise him. You didn't kill your own – even the worst had some code of honour. Joanna had turned away, searching the PADDs on the table with desperation. "Did you get anything else? Names or anything?"

He shook his head. "Nothing. We need to get out of here."

"Let me try and hack the computer. I-"

He didn't get to hear her finish. The next quake knocked him out. When he opened his eyes she was peering over him, face pale. The lights were flickering on an off. And there was noise, a huge massive roaring that he was realising wasn't in his head.

Joanna touched his face with a gentle hand. "I'm okay Sassy." He couldn't hear his own voice over the sound but she must have understood, even if she didn't look convinced, because she pulled him to his feet. Definitely time to go. He could feel the storm that was coming, and they were looking at a cyclone. She grabbed every PADD she could and threw them in her bag and he checked the tunnel for unfriendlies. It was clear – no surprises there. Anyone with a modicum of common sense would be trying to get out of here. He grabbed Joanna's hand and they ran back out into the main cavern.

They had to pause when they made it to the entrance. Joanna swore colourfully in several languages. He might have been impressed if he hadn't wanted to articulate similarly. The ceiling was entirely gone – daylight was pouring in. He might have been intrigued how they had managed to remove the overlying land – but the escaping starships distracted him with their noise and beauty. He'd never heard what a starship would sound like before – space was always silent. The roar was overwhelming, even when the ships were some distance up above and hadn't yet fired their engines. The roar shook the ground, pulsing through him and his veins like the Enterprise always had. And what a sight – all those ships escaping into the light like caged beasts. It would have brought a tear to his eyes, but he knew what was going to follow. They definitely needed to get out of here. But how? The tunnel they'd entered the cavern a fair trek away – and a good climb. He was fairly sure they didn't have time for that. But they'd be others - and if they were lucky some might even lead to the surface. A surface full of monsters who'd be waiting for them. Then again, he'd take the beasts over the tsunami that would be coming at this point.

Joanna tugged at his arm and pointed into the darkness, away from where they stood. He could just make out figures running. They followed at a sensible distance until he realised that they were women – locals. Well, they would have a better chance of being able to navigate the tunnels than one of the workers he supposed. Joanna took his hand and pulled him forwards. She was strong for someone so small.

"Wait." She called. One of the woman glanced around, and he vaguely recognised her from the camp. Joanna placed her hands forwards, gesturing that they still meant no harm. The woman nodded at them, then gestured at they should follow. Jim was glad that she was one of those peoples that believed one good turn deserved another – she waited long enough for them to catch up. He kept tightly onto Joanna's hand – he wasn't sure why – perhaps to ground him, or perhaps because it just felt right – when they entered the tunnels again. He was tempted to pull out his phaser, but was fairly sure it wouldn't go down well with the women ahead of them. At least they'd decided to escape. Jim wondered how many of them were still in that camp, waiting on death.

The tunnel they took led upwards through a steep incline that seemed to go on for miles and miles. The climb became treacherous with the earthquakes, and he attempted to help the others as best he could as Joanna brought up the rear. He felt every minute pass as the rumbling under their feet became almost permanent, growing stronger with each moment. It wouldn't be long before the tunnels gave way completely. It was a miracle they hadn't already. And then, finally, they hit a wall.

"Excellent." He felt relieved, and Joanna gave him an ironic look as she pulled out her phaser. Gently, she moved the women in front of her, who were looking at the wall with painful resignation, out of the way, and began cutting a hole in it. He joined her once he was sure the women would understand he wasn't going to attack them. He was getting mistrusting glances even now, and didn't have time to try and assure them of his intentions.

The wall crumpled after a few seconds, and they climbed through the rubble into the building. There were, much to his relief, no beasts waiting for them. But they would have heard the noise – it wouldn't be long.

"Up." Joanna commanded a single word. The woman shook their heads, gesturing through the building. Joanna frowned at them. He'd forgotten how intimidating she could be despite being a head smaller than every woman there. "Up." She repeated again, pointing to the ceiling. The women looked at her with varying expressions, then turned and ran as an almost single body before she could protest further. "Damn it." She swore under her breath and glanced at him for help. He moved to go after the women, but Joanna stopped him with a hand on his arm. "No time, Jim. They'll realise hopefully." If the beasts didn't get them first. It didn't sit right with him, leaving them after they'd just helped them out of the cavern, but there was no time to protest, because Joanna was already moving through the building, phaser still drawn, and he would have to choose between them. There was no decision. Not really.

They seemed to be in some sort of school. He recognised the classrooms, and the childish drawings on the walls. He prayed this wasn't a single storey and almost sighed in relief when they found the staircase. The howling that was arising behind them certainly wasn't the wind. The only sound that was worse than the quaking ground. Joanna grabbed his hand and pulled him up behind her as a massive earthquake hit the ground and almost threw them back down the stairs. The explosive sound outside suggested that buildings were falling. They climbed out of the first window they could find as tremors continued to shake the ground. There was no argument this time – there was no time for one. He went first and pulled her up behind him. Typically they were on the only two-storey building in the area, but, when he stood on the roof and considered the wreckage around him, he thought perhaps that had been a good thing. The blocks around them were rubble.

"T'Plana Hath – this is Omicron. Please respond." Joanna had her communicator out and he was relieved she'd finally decided that the threat was large enough to warrant leaving.

"Ground this is the T'Plana Hath. I am receiving."

"We need immediate evacuation."

"Stand-by." Clearly Hy'Lar understood how pressing the situation was – he didn't bother with any unnecessary words. There was a pause and he found himself gritting his teeth as the ground began to rumble hard again. He could see the streaks in the sky where the ships had exited the atmosphere, and across his now widened horizon could see something fuzzy and huge. "Negative, ground. There continues to be a field around the planet, and too much static. I am unable to beam you. I will fly in."

Joanna frowned, but he could see there was no other option. All those ships taking off must have messed with the atmosphere. "Received. Sending you our coordinates. Be warned, my friend, that you're going to have a great deal of company." There was an understatement. How was he going to get around all those starships? Hy'Lar was a good pilot, but he wasn't sure he had the experience to deal with the armada he would be facing. He could only hope that none of them would be actively scanning.

"Understood. I will be with you shortly."

Joanna shut her communicator and glanced at him. He could make out what the fuzzy image was now. It was a wall. Of water. He heard Joanna inhale sharply and knew she'd noticed the same thing.

"Well." He met her dark eyes. "It could be worse. It could be snowing again."

She gave him a long look, then grinned. "That's true. I hate the snow."

"Really? I hadn't noticed."

She rolled her eyes at him, then glanced out again to consider the tsunami heading towards them. "It doesn't look very good for us, does it?"

Jim attempted to sound reassuring. "We've been in worst situations." Things weren't hopeless – there was a chance of rescue at least. His luck would hold. It always did.

She snorted softly. "I suppose so." Her eyes were reflective and he wondered which situation in their past she was thinking of. They stood in silence for a moment, and all he could suddenly think about was that kiss. Hell, it had been a really, really good kiss. Better than he'd ever expected. And he'd expected a great deal. The water grew closer. He could hear it now – the roar, even feel the spray despite the distance. He could see the forest around the city being destroyed in its path. Nothing would be spared. Hy'Lar would be cutting it fine if he managed to get past those ships. Hell, it really wasn't looking good for them.

"I suppose fate has finally caught up with me." He remarked calmly. Perhaps this was penance for kissing her. He really shouldn't have done that. What sort of man was he? Had he forgotten the consequences?

"You make your own fate, Jim." Joanna said firmly, and took his hand. She sounded so sure. He'd believed that once too. But now? He wasn't sure what he believed. Could he change his fate? And if he couldn't, had he really considered what a risk he was taking?

"Jim?" Her voice was soft. "If we don't make it-."

"We'll make it." He interrupted automatically.

"But if we don't..." She continued, then paused uncomfortably. This was why he avoided those farewell speeches that some people felt necessary. They were hard to get out, and even harder to take back if you survived.

"It's alright Sassy. You don't need to say a word."

"I need to say I'm sorry." Well he hadn't expected that. His grip automatically tightened on her hand. "That is... I know you had your reasons for staying away. I shouldn't have been... well I should have forgiven you sooner."

Damn Joanna. Just when he couldn't feel much worse about himself, she'd forgiven him. "You have nothing to be sorry for Joanna." He'd hurt her – more than he'd realised if last night was an indication. After that he'd figure it would take a lot longer for her to trust him. He remembered all too well the innocent girl she'd been. He'd broken her. And, as always, she forgave him. He took a deep breath. "I'm sorry too. For hurting you." And for leaving. Not completely. He'd needed to do that, painful as that had been. But if he could have spared her that pain, he would have. And he couldn't help but think that if he'd still been around she wouldn't have been in the SI.

He felt her shift towards him slightly, needing comfort, and pulled an arm around her. She leaned against him as the sound grew louder, silencing them both. They both watched as the wall of water moved towards them at a massive speed. They had a minute, at most.

"Do you believe in God, Jim?" Her voice was soft, her eyes dark.

"No idea." He believed in Higher Beings – ones that liked to manipulate and destroy his life, but God? Who knew? "You?"

"At times like this I want to. But if there are Gods out there, I don't think they'd be very interested in me anyhow."

A memory came to his mind. "I wouldn't be too sure, Joanna."

"Well, I'll pray just in case then." She smiled slightly. "I could pray for you too."

Jim chuckled. "Well, usually I'd rely on luck, but I wouldn't turn down some divine intervention around now."

A roar overhead broke the conversation and Jim was relieved to see the Vulcan ship in the air above them. Not a moment too soon. He was never going to criticise Hy'Lar's piloting skills again. "Someone up there likes you Jim." Joanna commented archly. They exchanged relieved grins. "I bet it's female."

Jim laughed, but grabbed the ladder being lowered down to them and climbed quickly, glancing down to check Joanna was behind him. Hy'Lar brought the ship back up just as quickly as he'd descended, just in time really, as the wave below them hit with such force the ladder was blown sideways and he almost lost his grip. The churning water and icy spray below him was distracting. He forced himself to climb higher to give Joanna a wider berth of the wave. The shuttle picked up speed, moving out across the water.

"You alright?" He paused in his climb and shouted down Joanna, who was far wetter than he was, and probably a whole lot colder too. The wind had pulled her hair loose and it was streaming behind her in a dark flame. The matching grin she was wearing against her flushed cheeks made her look slightly unstable. For some reason he admired it.

She glanced up at him, eyes amused. "Fine-." Her voice faltered, looking past him for a moment. Then she met his eyes again, face suddenly serious. "Jim." He should have known then, should have done something. But for some reason those eyes paralysed him. "Come and find me." Then she dropped.

He screamed her name, considered jumping down after her, but noticed too late he was moving upwards into the ship. Then arms dragged him aboard, the sound of a shot, and he remembered nothing more.

_A/N – I know, another cliff-hanger. Sorry. I'm the worst, I know. For those getting fed up searching for answers, you're going to have some soon, promise. The song for next chapter is Holland Road by Mumford and Sons. The next few flashback chapters are going to look at what exactly Joanna means to Jim. Thanks again for reading – and please take the time to review._


	20. Mother

19. Mother

_A/N – Hi everyone. Season's greetings to you all! Thank you so much for all the reviews – you guys are amazing. Virtual hug to you all. The same to all my subscribers and readers – I am truly humbled by my view count. Here's another chapter. I wish I could write you something more cheerful for our heroes considering the season, but hopefully it's not too sad. It's also important – as you'll see later. Finally, as I've said before, this story does contain some more mature themes – in this case psychiatric illness. I'm sure my readers are quite mature about things too, but just to reiterate, I'm not here to offend, nor to judge. This is just part of the story. Anyhow, thank you, as always, for reading, and let me know what you think._

So I was lost, go count the cost,

Before you go to the Holland road,

With your heart like a stone you spared no time in lashing out,

And I knew your pain and the effect of my shame,

But you cut me down, you cut me down,

But I'll still believe though there's cracks you'll see,

When I'm on my knees I'll still believe,

And when I've hit the ground, neither lost nor found,

If you'll believe in me I'll still believe

_Holland Road – Mumford and Sons_

"A man either lives life as it happens to him, meets it head-on and licks it, or he turns his back on it and starts to wither away." – _Dr. Philip Boyce, The Menagerie Pt 1, TOS_

Stardate: 2263

Jim: Aged 30

Joanna: Aged 14

It occurred to Jim, as he walked up the road in the sunshine, that he had no idea why he was here. Shoreleave had been well overdue for him and his crew and he'd had every plan of enjoying it. And he had for a few days – catching up with a lovely astrophysicist who'd visited the Enterprise the previous spring. But then he'd grown... restless. Nothing that he could put his finger on, just a sense that he was missing... something. His friends – they had their families, and their lives off the ship. He had... well he had his ship. And his crew – his steadfast crew that had followed him to hell and back. But who gave an honest damn about him outside of that short list? His mother probably – and he should go and see her sometime. But that wouldn't be anytime soon. No one else really. Not that he minded. He wasn't one for family and all the expectations that came with it. And he wasn't lonely. He wasn't. His life was full of people. He just... sometimes when he sat down and thought about it, he wondered exactly who he was, how to be himself. Most of who he was, who he'd become, was based on what others believed him to be, and attributes that others gave him. Bones kept him grounded with his sharp tongue, Spock kept him humble and calm, Scotty made him feel sane (he undoubtedly had that effect on most people), Uhura taught him loyalty and grace. Most of who he was, was the Captain Kirk – and maybe that was who he was supposed to be – that fearless, unshakeable, intrepid persona that he hoped to portray. But out of necessity to most of his colleagues he was a captain first and friend second. It was a fine, fine line, being friends with your crew. He couldn't allow insubordination or lack of discipline – not when their lives depended on it. That meant he had to keep a certain distance from them. It was a small price really, and he'd always known he would pay it. Besides, Bones was different of course – he'd known him for too long, and half the time he didn't give a damn about orders, and Spock, well the balance was more complicated with him. But the others... Well it was for the best really. And certainly no woman would want to go near the man he really was, not if they knew what a mess he was inside. Most he'd met, irrelevant of species, had very romantic ideas about exactly what a Starfleet captain should be, and he wasn't one to disappoint by being something else. But sometimes he wondered... who he actually was. All he knew was the man he saw when he looked in the mirror was not always the man he wanted to see.

Which brought him here – up this road that he'd walked once before many years ago. He didn't know what exactly drew him to Joanna McCoy. She was a little girl – a remarkable one, no doubt, but a child nonetheless. And yet... He struggled to put it into words – but he felt himself relax around her. No... relax wasn't the right word. It was hard to relax around a girl who, last time he'd seen her, had broken him out of prison and challenged a Klingon to a blood duel. It was more that he felt... more like himself around her. He didn't question himself. She didn't require anything from him. To her he was just Jim, and she was Joanna, and they were friends. Things were simple. True, she thought he was some sort of hero, which amused him and scared him equally, but she believed it completely, and when he was around her he could believe it too. The truth was, she really did seem to know him, could see through act and reality in a way no one else had done before. And, despite that, she still liked him and trusted him. So this morning, when he'd woken with a beautiful woman next to him and that overwhelming urge to get away, he had done just that, and gone to find her.

He felt eyes on him as he carried on down the road. He saw a curtain twitch and waved cheerily at the woman who was hiding behind them, then chuckled when she fled backwards in shock. Noisy neighbours – they existed in every civilised population and never failed to amuse him. The house appeared on the top of the hill. It was just as he remembered – some old Colonial style he didn't know much about, with a large veranda around about, and set in a lovely garden. It was the sort of house he'd dreamt of when he was a kid, playing in that dusty yard – white fronted and surrounded by a neat hedge. The sort of house in the sort of neighbourhood where nothing bad happened. From Joanna's letters however, he got the impression that she hated it. He wondered why that was. Something to do with her dad not being there, perhaps. Or something else. Joanna was complex – the more he got to know her the more he became aware of it.

She was sitting on her swing, moving slowly, back to him, head leaning against the rope. He stood outside the gate and watched her for a while, wondering if she'd notice. She seemed... lonely. And that tugged at him like nothing else could. She was fourteen – she should be speaking to her friends, or seeing boys, or... something that wasn't on her own, on a swing, in the quiet suburbia. She must have felt her eyes on him because she sat up straight after a moment, and glanced behind her. Then, in a second she'd flown off her seat and was facing him, just a step away from the gate.

"Jim!"

"Hi kid."

"Don't call me kid!" Her eyes were huge, and, he was surprised to see, tear-stained. She'd been crying.

"Alright Sassy."

"What are you doing here?" She opened the gate for him, looking into his face imploringly. Like somehow he was exactly what she'd wanted to see. He instinctively wanted to hug her, but suppressed the impulse. Instead he kept his voice light.

"Well, I was in the area and wondered if you were available for an adventure."

She smiled at him so suddenly that he almost laughed. "An adventure? You want me?"

"Of course. You were the top of my list." And that, surprisingly, was true right now. Unlike most of his other friends, Joanna was always up for an adventure.

She gave him an excited grin, and then, just as suddenly, her face fell. "I can't. I can't leave. My mom. She's... well she's ill."

Jim read her face curiously, trying to understand what Joanna wasn't telling him. He didn't know very much about Joanna's mother –Bones' ex-wife. The doctor did mention her occasionally – usually when drunk and feeling sorry for himself. As for Joanna – her mother was the one thing she didn't talk much about, and that made him curious, because usually Joanna was hard to shut-up, at least with him. His instincts told him that something wasn't quite right – and, well, mysteries were there to be solved.

"Ill? That's a shame. I've always wanted to meet your mom." He gave her a reassuring smile. "You're looking after her?"

She nodded. "Henry – my stepdad – well he had to go to some meeting for work a few days ago, and mom can't go with him when she's like this. He'll be back tomorrow." So she'd been cooped up here for a few days. Well, that would give him cabin-fever too. However, that didn't explain the tears.

"Then you're going to your dad?" Bones would want to see her. He was surprised he hadn't demanded it already, but he'd mentioned spending some time just with Christine. That amused him – because didn't they already live together and work together? Surely you couldn't spend more time with a person if you tried. But apparently that wasn't enough. Hell, he would never understand it.

"Yep." She brightened. "We're going camping." She seemed to remember herself. "You know, you can come in, Jim. Mom won't mind. She's sleeping anyway. If you don't have anything better to do..." She looked unsure again, but he was quick to reassure her.

"Nope, not a thing." He walked into her garden, and, after a moment of indecision, stretched out on the grass, enjoying the sunshine. Joanna grinned at him, and retook her seat on the swing. "So, what have you been up to?" He asked when she'd started swinging.

She shrugged. "Practising my violin, and the piano. And still life." She made a face. "I hate painting still life but mom said you can't call yourself an artist without doing it."

"Well, what would you rather paint?"

"People. People doing things. People aren't ever still – that's the hard thing – capturing them busy. People are interesting. Fruit isn't interesting."

"Well, you never know. Who says fruit doesn't have personality?"

She scowled at him. "Me!"

He chuckled. "I don't know. I've been on a few planets with hunting plants. Trying to get the fruit off them is quite exciting."

She looked interested. "Really? That's awesome. But all my fruit is boring, Jim. It definitely doesn't come from a hunting plant. Just a boring Earth one."

"Well I'm glad to hear it. I'd feel more concerned lying here on the grass otherwise."

She grinned at him, as if enjoying the idea of an attack by such a plant. Knowing her, she probably would. "So what have you been doing?"  
>"Brushing up on my astrophysics." In a round-about way...<p>

She threw him a penetrating look that made him blush for some unknown reason. "Really?"

"Absolutely. I have to be able to keep up with Spock after all." Thankfully she didn't call him out. Perhaps she didn't care to know what he'd really been doing.

"Dad says that keeping up with him is impossible – he deliberately talks more complicated if you try."

Jim laughed. "Well, your dad would say that. But I assure you, Spock is very capable of communicating his point effectively. His vocabulary is just rather more... varied than the average Human."

"Well, I suppose he speaks so many languages that it must seem boring to speak Standard all the time. Uhura says that it's the most boring language in the galaxy."

"Well she would know. What do you think?" She spoke several languages fluently after all.

Joanna shrugged. "I think they're all pretty boring. I don't really understand how you can get so excited about words. It's just... words. They might get jumbled up in a sentence, but they all mean the same thing. I like the people more... and the traditions... and why they say the words they do."

He silently agreed. "Well that sounds sensible. You wouldn't want to be talking about the wrong thing to a Klingon after all, no matter what language you're speaking."

Joanna nodded seriously. "Or to a Cerberen. I once told a woman that her daughter looked pretty and she acted like I'd tried to kill her. Then I learnt there's a belief amongst the Cerberens that speaking aloud any quality of a child is seen as bad luck – and that the child is likely to lose it."

"Hmm... that's an interesting one to know."

"Yup. It must be more exciting for you. You go to so many planets and see so many things."

"It is." He smiled at the thought of some of the first contacts he'd recently had. "Though my chances of making cultural faux pas are greatly increased. Trust me – I've made many. First contacts aren't as romantic as everyone wants to believe."

"Romantic?" She looked intrigued.

"Idyllic. You know, cadets think they're going to meet a new species, have a nice dignified chat about our similarities and differences and then become best friends."

Joanna laughed sceptically at this idea. "Really?"

"Yep. Of course, you know that in reality we meet, try and kill each other, realise there's been some misunderstanding, and then feel very awkward for the next few years."

"Welcome to the Federation!" She exclaimed with a grin.

"Absolutely."

"Even so, you still love it." She was reading his face thoughtfully.

"Of course. How could you not? What I get to do... well no one else gets to do that Joanna. We're sometimes the first Humans some species have ever met. And they're just as new to us – a new culture, and ideas, and lives."

Joanna nodded. "And loves." She said soberly. "Dad says women are always falling in love with you."

Jim sighed. Bones would say something like that. "Not love, Joanna. Women don't fall in love with me. But we like each other well enough."

She snorted. "So I've heard. Well I suppose you might meet new cultures and species, but everyone has some emotions in common."

"Lust." Jim grinned. "The universal constant. I think you should write a paper on that."

She shook her head at him. "Love, Jim, not lust."

Jim chuckled indulgently. "You're a teenage girl – you're bound to think that."

She scowled at him. "You know, some species still bond for life. And for some species even to look at another partner is a criminal offence. You know Barlax die hours within their mates, no matter how separated they are? They have this link between them – and know if they're in danger, or dead or happy."

Yep, she definitely still had all those romantic ideals. "And some species have many, many wives, or believe that closed relationships cause a lack of genetic variation."

"But more don't. Despite it being a genetic disadvantage, most species we've encountered are monogamous. Toral says it's a sign of higher thought processes and a development of self-control." She gave him a look that said that clearly he was missing these attributes.

"And maybe a knight on a white horse will come and sweep her off her feet."

Joanna shook her head at him. "Well that's just ridiculous." She smiled slightly. "Besides, everyone knows that 'white' horses aren't actually white but grey."

Jim snorted. "Alright, you've got me."

"I know." She sighed and stopped swinging. "Am I being rude? Do you want a drink? Christine says when you're a host you have to offer a drink. It's polite."

He gave her a long look, intrigued. Joanna wasn't usually the sort of person to stand on form with him. It occurred to him that it hadn't taken him long to realise that people spoke far more easily when they had a drink in their hands. It was something he'd carried with him as a captain. He had a feeling Joanna had realised this too. "I've heard that."

"So do you want one?" She was going to bleed him for information. He could see that look on her face. She wanted to know something important. He had no idea what that could be – certainly their previous conversation hadn't given him any hints. But Joanna was good at keeping him on his toes. And surprisingly, he didn't mind.

"Sure. Something cold."

"Okay." She smiled at him and hopped from the swing. "I should check on mom too."

She disappeared into the house and he laid back and stared at the clouds in the sky. He felt... better being here. It was nice to bicker with someone about absolutely nothing. Maybe they had a brother and sister relationship after all. But no, he might not have siblings, but it didn't feel like he'd have imagined that. Maybe it just was friendship when all was said and done.

A few minutes passed slowly as birds chirped in the trees. He shut his eyes, allowed himself to drift through his thoughts – his new crew manifest, and a mission Starfleet had assigned him. However the sound of breaking glass made him sit up. He paused, waiting for some indication as to its source, but nothing came. Some instinct, some sense of uneasiness brought him to his feet. He didn't know why, or what – breaking glass wasn't something that would normally worry him – but he just knew, knew that something wasn't right. And he wasn't in a habit of ignoring his instincts.

"Joanna?" He called out to her, but there was no reply. His hackles rose and he walked to the back door where he'd seen her disappear. "Joanna?"

"Jim." He heard her voice calling to him from further in the house, small and scared, and knew something was seriously wrong. He pulled out his phaser and moved into the building.

The kitchen led off the back door, and he moved through it into the hall towards the sound of her cry. Almost in the entrance hall his feet crunched on broken glass and water. Joanna was standing with her back to him, motionless as if paralysed. Then he saw what she was staring at. Oh holy...

The woman was dangling from the upper balcony by a noose around her neck. She must have jumped from above. He paused for less than a second, long enough to see a slight chest movement, then ran to support her body, lifting her weight from the rope.

"Joanna – go and loose the rope." The motionless girl sprang into action at his voice, running up the stairs. He lifted the woman higher, giving the rope more slack, and she had it undone in seconds. He lowered the woman gently to the floor, pulling the rope over her head and opening her airway.

"Go call and medical emergency, Joanna." He ordered the girl, who disappeared again. Damn, but he was no doctor. Had she broken her neck? He couldn't tell, was scared to do more harm. He assessed her breathing, listening at her mouth, and was reassured to still hear breath sounds.

Joanna reappeared at his side, pale but calm. "They're coming." It occurred to him that this must be her mother. And she'd just tried to commit suicide. He wasn't sure what to think of that. He glanced at the small girl but her attention was fixed on the prone form of her mom. She made no move to get closer. He wasn't sure what was going on in her head. It wasn't the reaction he'd expected from the normally exuberant girl.

The paramedics beamed in seconds later, and he briefly explained then allowed them to do their job, moving Joanna out of the way, arm around her. She watched on wordlessly, dry eyed. He had no idea what to say, so said nothing.

"Will you come with us?" The senior of the paramedics glanced at him after examining his tricorder. "The doctors will want to talk to someone who gave give a bit more of a history."

"This is her daughter. We'll come."

The man's eyes softened. "Of course. She's stable for now, love." He smiled at Joanna reassuringly and she nodded but he felt her subtly reach for his hand. He took it, cold and shaking within his own, and squeezed it. Somehow he got the feeling that whatever Joanna wanted to ask him, it had been related to this.

"Med, this is Corsair. One patient and four to beam in ASAP." The paramedic spoke into his communicator as the other, a slim man around his age, placed transmitters on them.

"Understood. Locked on. Standby."

He felt that familiar bubbling of his atoms being disassembled, and then he was standing in a hospital cubicle and Joanna's mother was lying on a bed, staff already working on her.

"Why don't we step outside?" An elderly nurse gave them a sympathetic smile as she shepherded them from the cubicle and into the outside corridor. Joanna's hand was still in his, and he glanced down and saw she was scared, really scared. He took immediate evasive manoeuvres.

"Have you got a room we can sit in?"

"Of course – the relative's room is just down the corridor. I'll come and find you shortly." The woman smiled distractedly, thoughts back with her patient, and left them alone.

"Come on kid, let's go and see if there's any bad replicator coffee."

"Don't call me kid." Her voice was small. "And I hate replicator coffee." Her voice wobbled slightly but she was otherwise calm. He found it... disturbing. He was used to see Joanna being brave, but this wasn't quite bravery. Maybe she was in shock? He felt uncomfortable. But then, perhaps this whole situation was echoing too many memories of his own, and he'd certainly been the kid that cried – quietly, on his own, in despair.

"Alright Sassy."

The room was neatly signposted and comfortably furnished with sofas, low lighting, and a lunar landscape on the wall. He supposed it was meant to be calming, but he found those sorts of rooms more disquieting then serene. These sorts of rooms made him want to run – but he could hardly do that when he had Joanna here – he wasn't going to abandon her now. He suppressed his own flight instinct and ordered warm milk from the replicator.

Joanna had perched herself on the edge of a sofa and he handed it to her with what he hoped was a sympathetic smile.

"I know what you're going to say, Jim." She said quietly, as she looked into her milk.

"Really?" He didn't know what he was going to say yet. He was scrambling for something suitably consoling. What would he usually say when one of his crew had loved ones that were ill? Something reassuring – that it wasn't her fault, that people did this sort of thing because they were ill. That it didn't mean her mother didn't care about her.

"You're going to tell me it isn't my fault." Joanna was always insightful. She knew him too well.

"Well it wasn't." He pointed out softly and sat down next to her.

She shook her head slowly. "It is Jim. You don't understand." She was feeling guilt. He understood that – he knew guilt well. He knew what it was like, to suddenly realise that no matter what you did you weren't strong enough to save the person you love the most. "What if she dies, Jim?" She swallowed. "And if she lives-."

A knock at the door interrupted her, and they both turned to the pretty dark young doctor who'd walked in. She smiled at them both. She really had a lovely smile. She looked tired too – she must be having a long shift. He wondered if he could do anything to help that. She gazed at them both thoughtfully.

"You must be Joanna. And you are?"

"Captain Jim Kirk. I'm a friend of the family."

She looked thoughtful. "Captain Kirk? From the Enterprise?"

"That's me."

She smiled at him again, looking slightly more interested, but hiding it well behind layers of professionalism. "Well it's nice to meet you both. I'm Doctor Essenborough – one of the ED doctors." She paused, clearly expecting a barrage of questions on the welfare of the patient. When she got nothing from either of them she continued. "Physically your mother if fine, Joanna. She broke a few vertebrae, but nothing we can't fix. However, psychologically... well why don't you tell me about that."

He felt Joanna take a soft breath. "Isn't it in her notes?"

"I'd rather hear what's been going on from you."

Joanna glanced at him, and he realised that there was a reason that Joanna didn't talk about her mother. "She suffers from schizoaffective disorder." The woman nodded and indicated for her to continue. "She was diagnosed just after I was born, but didn't get really bad until I was three, when my dad left. I don't know much about it – I was little, but I think they admitted her then, got her stable on medication. She improved lots after that, but had a really bad episode when I was eight. She was... she thought I was an alien imposter that had abducted the real me and stolen my body. She got really depressed, thought she'd failed because she'd allowed me to be taken. She... well she became violent and Henry – my mom's partner - thought it would be better if I was sent to boarding school after that. She's been pretty good I guess since then – until I came back from the holidays a few weeks ago. Henry said she'd been more depressed than usual, but wasn't psychotic. But I noticed... I should have said something... she was more secretive, and kept looking at me and Henry weird, and spending lots of time alone in the bedroom. And her artwork – it wasn't like her normal stuff."

"In what way?"

"Well mom is usually a traditionalist – you know, lots of landscapes and still-life. But her artwork became abstract and crazy. Like she'd paint off the paper without noticing, or she'd paint something that wasn't there but insist it was. Lots of lines, and colour and a loss of conformity. She said that it was better then her normal stuff, that she was purging herself through her art. Henry was on the communicator to her psychiatrist all the time, but he's been really busy with work too. I should have said something then, but I just assumed he'd know and noticed. Then a few days ago he left for work and told me to watch mom. When he'd gone mom came and told me... well she didn't make a lot of sense, but basically I think she thought Henry was trying to kill her, and the hyposprays were poison. She said she'd heard him talking to Cardassians, and they were plotting against her, and that there were voices of some higher beings that had told her so. She said that these beings had plans for me – that I had to escape and leave her. She made me swear not to tell anyone, and I didn't know what to do, because she was still having her hyposprays – I gave them myself every day. But she got worse and I couldn't work out why, so this morning I searched her room while she showered and found a stash of canisters – she'd swapped them somehow. She must have planned all this for ages, there were... twenty-six there. So she'd been off her medication for at least that long. I didn't know what to do and then mom got out of the shower and found me... and had a meltdown. She was so angry and screaming and throwing things, so I left her upstairs for a bit. I didn't think she'd do anything. Then she... well you know the rest."

Joanna stopped her story. Her voice had been calm throughout, but he saw the weight of the burden she carried. She looked older, weary. He knew what she'd wanted to ask him in the garden now. He suddenly wanted to hug her, because he knew what it was like to carry the burdens of a parent.

"I do. Did she write a note?"

Joanna nodded, and pulled a rolled PADD from her pocket with a trembling hand. "It was to me. It said that this is my fault, and that if I loved her I would let her die. And that she was sorry."

"I see." The doctor's eyes were sympathetic. "I'm sure that I don't have to tell you Joanna, that when people are unwell they often say and do things to the people that they care about that they don't mean. It's not a true reflection of how they really feel when they're well." Joanna nodded, but he could see she wasn't convinced. "She's been asking to see you."

The small girl looked dubious. "Really?"

"Yes. Would you like to see her?"

She nodded but didn't look very sure of her decision. "Have you told Henry?"

"I believe one of the nurses is just contacting him now."

"Oh." He tried to read her face and failed.

"Shall we?" She nodded resolutely but he could see the fear in her eyes. She was brave, his Joanna.

They moved back down the corridor and paused outside the room. "She needs rest – you'll only have a few minutes."

"We understand." Jim answered for Joanna when he realised she was looking increasingly panicked and wasn't listening. "Thank you for your help Doctor." He gave her a winning smile. Under other circumstances he might have tried some gentle flirting – he could see she was interested – but now wasn't the time. Perhaps he'd come back later. She blushed slightly, smiled back, then opened the door for them. Definitely onto a winner. Joanna took a deep breath, and he shadowed her into the room.

The first thing he noticed was that her mother was beautiful. He hadn't really noticed at the time – he'd been distracted by the situation he supposed. Her hair was long, black and glossy and hung in smooth waves over the shoulders as she leaned against the pillow. Her face was elfin, with a pointed chin, high cheekbones and dark eyes. She seemed delicate, her size making look even more fragile. He wondered exactly how Bones – who could flirt about as well as he flew a starship (i.e. possible but painful and best avoided) had managed to win her in the first place. But then, he also wondered how he'd managed to make Christine Chapel fall in love with him – he wasn't exactly known for being... well nice. He could no more imagine Bones making a gentle declaration than Spock dancing the Tango (although he'd liked to see that – he'd have to work that into a mission somehow). Although he could still see the similarities between Joanna and her mother, mostly in the face and her height –that was where it ended. Joanna would probably never achieve her mother's natural beauty, and there was nothing fragile about her – no she definitely took after Bones in that respect. And the expression on her mother's face as she viewed her daughter – that was something he was sure he'd never seen on Joanna's. Her face was cold, her eyes filled with... he wasn't sure what to call the expression. On someone else he'd call it hate. But this was her mother – and ill as she might be, he didn't believe a mother could genuinely hate her child.

"Hi mom." Joanna's voice was small, and he realised he'd almost forgotten her presence. She was keeping well back, against the wall and close to the door, as if expecting the need to escape. He supposed that perhaps her experience over the last few days had made that necessary. Her mother made no response, just meeting her eyes with that awful expression. After a moment Joanna tried again. "The doctor said that you were asking for me..."

Finally her mother spoke. "You should have let me die." Her voice was slurred, and he wasn't sure whether it was through illness or medication.

He watched Joanna flinch. "I couldn't. Mom – I know you want that now, but you're ill."

"Ill? I'm not ill. They're all in on it. They're trying to get me." Her voice became faster, desperate, her eyes wild. "And you aren't my daughter. You think I can't tell? I'm smarter, can't you see? I'm smarter than you all. You think I can't see what you are?"

"Mom-."

"Don't call me that." The woman's voice rose. "I know who you are. You almost had me fooled. But you've poisoned me. You tell the others that I won't see you – that they have to stop watching me. You have to let me out. You have to let me out! They're trying to kill me. You all are. I know. I know. I know."

"They're going to help you. It's going to be okay."

"I hate you." Her eyes were hard, her voice cutting. She started to move to get up. Oh crap. He fought and instinct to move Joanna behind him. "I hate you. I hate you. I have to get out. I have to-."

The rest of her raving he never heard as the doctor returned, nurse in tow, and attempted to lie her back down and settle her. Jim took one look at Joanna's face, then took her hand and pulled her from the room. She was shaking so hard he could feel it all the way up his arm. Her face was still dry, but it was set with another expression, something that scared him. She looked... weary. It was not an expression he'd ever seen on the face of a fourteen year-old before, let alone hers.

He led her back to the room before he spoke. "You alright?" His mouth took over as he attempted to overcome the momentary shock of what he'd just seen.

She nodded and he gave himself a silent kick. Of course she wasn't. It had been a stupid question. She was fourteen years old. That was her mother. He needed to get her away from here. Somewhere safe – somewhere calm. There was no way she could stay. It was too much – her mother was too unstable at the moment. Hell, it was too much for him. The captain in him made him take charge. His mind rapidly went through the possibilities, and settled on the most sensible conclusion. It was time for him to be the responsible adult. He chuckled inwardly at that thought.

"Joanna, I think you need to contact your dad."

He was surprised at the look of panic on her face. "No Jim. Please. You can't tell anyone about this."

She was naturally secretive – he knew that. But this – well he had to draw the line somewhere. It was hardly like he was going to shout it from the rooftops, but he couldn't keep this from his friend. He just couldn't. "I'm not going to tell anyone, Joanna. You know that. But you need to tell your dad. We need to work out what's going to be done."

She swallowed, and for the first time he saw tears in her eyes. "Please Jim. Don't make me tell him."

He tried to understand. This was more than her usual fear that her dad would be upset with her. "Does he know about your mom's... illness?"

She shrugged, moving from one foot to the other and looking uncomfortable. "He knows the... the diagnosis – but he doesn't know..." She trailed off, unsure what to say.

"How sick she is?" He suggested.

She nodded. "He'll only worry. And feel guilty. You know what he's like. Please Jim. Can't I just stay with you – just until Henry comes?"

His instinct was to say yes – of course she could. But then his brain caught up. Of course she couldn't. She was fourteen. Bones would murder him if he disappeared from a hospital with his daughter. Responsible – he reminded himself. "Joanna, you need to tell your dad."

"No."

"Yes." He forced himself to make the threat, forced himself to draw that line. It wasn't easy. "Or I'll have to."

She stared at him in betrayal, her brown eyes wide with a look that went straight through him. "You won't keep this secret? I thought friends kept secrets?"

"A good friend knows when to share an important secret. You need your dad." He was no substitute, friend though he might be. At the very least her father needed to know she was safe and with him.

She leant against the wall, looking angry. "I can't tell him. I can't... He'll hate me. What I did..."

What had she done? She was so insecure it pained him. Worse, he understood. He knew exactly why she was as she was. Because they were the same. He was gentle in his reassurance. "If there's one thing I know about your dad, Sassy, it's that he'll never hate you." He touched her face and forced her to look at him. "You broke me out of prison a few months ago. You're the bravest girl I know." He gave her a smile. "I believe in you."

For a moment she stared at him, that penetrating look burning him. He wondered what she saw. Then she sighed. "Alright."

"Good." He led her to the communicator on the wall. "You know where he is?" She nodded and began to type his location.

It was Christine that answered, smiling as she recognised the small girl. "Joanna. How are you?" She instantly recognised the look on her face, ever perceptive as a doctor, and gave her no chance to answer the question. "Do you want to speak to your dad?"

Joanna nodded, but her voice didn't waver. "Please."

His familiar face appeared seconds later, catching onto his wife's silent concerns. "Joanna? What's happened? Are you alright?"

She nodded, her face apparently calm, but he could see her hands shaking. "It's... Something happened to mom." She sounded strained.

He looked surprised. "Is she alright?"

"She... well she's in hospital." Her voice finally broke and she took a wobbly breath. "It's pretty bad dad."

"Is she alive?" His face took on the look he'd long associated with the doctor rather than the man.

The girl nodded mutely and he could see the tears forming in her eyes. "I couldn't... she tried to... It's so bad." She was rambling now, tears on her face. "She was ill, dad. I couldn't stop her. I didn't know. I swear, I didn't know."

Her father's face grew gentle, one of the rare times he saw him with such an expression. "You're not making much sense, love."

Joanna nodded and shuddered. He could see her resolving herself, maybe putting herself through some of the exercises that the Vulcans taught her. "Mom had a... relapse. She tried to... to die. She hates me." Her voice broke and something in him, some intrinsic need to protect her forced him to ease her burden. He internally kicked himself but didn't hesitate as he moved towards her, putting a comforting arm around her. He felt her bury her head in his side, trembling, and turned to face his old friend. Bones was definitely not going to like this.

"Jim? What the hell are you doing there? Please tell me you didn't have anything to do with this." The doctor's face was becoming stormy, instantly coming to the wrong conclusion as predicted. "I swear if you did I'll damn well-"

He was quick to reassure him. "No, not a thing. I was just in the neighbourhood, that's all."

His face softened marginally but he continued to regard the motionless form of his daughter with a worried frown. "What the hell happened?"

Well there was no need to cut around the bush. The doctor clearly already had his suspicions. "Her mother tried to kill herself. She found her." Her felt Joanna shake hard at those words, but she was soundless and he resisted an urge to hold her tighter.

"Hell." He looked sombre but years being a doctor kept the shock from his face. "How is she?"

"Physically fine, I think. But mentally she's in a bit of a bad way – as we discovered soon afterwards." He nodded to Joanna slightly, unable to say more without upsetting her further, and Bones immediately understood his meaning. His face became dark.

"Where the hell is Henry?"

"He had to go away Dad." Joanna was composed when she responded, looking up again but staying close. "It was just me and mom."

The man swallowed and seemed to have to physically restrain himself. He watched Christine in the background put a comforting hand on his back and come into the image.

"We're twelve hours away, Jim, even if we get on the next transport." Her voice was soft and calm beseeching him for something he couldn't quite identify.

"Well I'm pretty sure that Joanna doesn't want to stay here, and I'm not sure I'd try and keep her here regardless." He stated frankly.

"Damn right." Bones murmured in agreement.

Jim watched him levelly. He could see something was coming. In honesty, it filled him with relief. "What do you want me to do?"

The pair in front of him exchanged a look. McCoy made a decision. "Jim, take her to her Grandmother's. She'll be safe there until I can get to you."

"That okay with you Joanna?" He checked with the girl next to him. He had a bad feeling she'd run away if it wasn't.

"Yep."

"Alright then. I'll take her."

Bones looked relieved. "Good. We'll be back as soon as we can. Just... be careful."

Jim snorted. "Always am."

The doctor scowled at him but his heart wasn't in it. "Joanna, be good for your grandma. We'll be there soon."  
>"I didn't want to ruin your shoreleave dad." Joanna responded guiltily. "You don't have to come. I'll be okay with Grandma."<p>

Christine was quick to reassure with a smile. "We were going to return tomorrow anyway – so it's nothing to worry about. James has been missing you."

"Alright." Joanna looked resigned rather than relieved. "See you soon."

The said goodbye, leaving him and Joanna in silence again. "Well, I suppose we should get going." Jim put in after a moment. "You know where your Grandma lives?"

Joanna gave him an offended look. "Of course." Of course. Eidetic memory. However her ability to take offence was reassurance that she was calming.

"Well good. You ever rode a bike, kid?"

"Don't call me kid."

"Alright Sassy."

"A motor bike? No." She looked at him, hopeful smile on her lips for the first time that day. "Can we ride a bike there?"

And that was why he liked her. Other girls would not have started smiling after traumatic events with the offer of a ride on a motorbike. "I'm sure we can rent one from somewhere nearby. Does your grandma live close?"

"Three hundred miles." So around two hours, if he drove safely. Well he fancied a short trip, even if today wasn't exactly going how he planned. Joanna was wringing her hands. "I'm really sorry Jim. I didn't mean for you to get involved in all of this. If you have to go I'm sure I can get there myself. Dad doesn't have to know-."

He took her hands in her own to stop the movement, interrupting her with a look. "Joanna, stop it. Of course I'm coming." He smiled at her and saw her blush slightly. "Besides, I've always wanted to meet your legendary Grandma."

"Really?"

"Really. Sounds like an adventure to me."

She raised her eyebrows, looking more like herself. "Grandma will be so pleased to hear you consider meeting her an adventure."

He chuckled. "Absolutely." He put on his best captain's voice. "Captain's log, supplemental – fought Klingons, rescued damsel, met grandma. My log won't know what hit it."

"You write about shoreleave in your log?"

"In my personal one. You have to be careful though – Starfleet Intelligence would love to have a look at it given half a chance."

"Why don't you speak in code then?"

"Who's saying I don't?"

She smiled at the thought. "Jim-code. I bet I could crack it."

"I imagine you could. Just so you know, Khan refers to the enemy."

"Stop pretending you don't love Khan."

"Who's pretending?"

She chuckled and took his hand. "Well, let's go on an adventure. And don't even think about driving slowly."

He adored her. "As if I would."

The house that Bones had grown up in was everything he expected and more. Situated with woodland on one side, and fields on the other, there must have been land of fifty acres after entering the front gate. The house itself was large and stone-built, ivy spanning one wall, and flanked by a neat kitchen garden and trellises covered with roses. It had clearly been built several hundred years ago and had somehow survived World War III and the Eugenics War. Bones, without a doubt, was one of the luckiest men in the world.

He pulled over close to an outbuilding that looked like it had been a garage once upon a time and Joanna eased her grip on him. She'd been quiet throughout their trip – although talking wasn't particularly easy on such a mode of transport, and he might have forgotten she was with him except from the feel of her arms around his waist and the occasional vibration that suggested she was laughing. He felt better too – the hospital – and the mother - had made him uncomfortable, and he felt more like himself once they had a few hundred miles between them.

"You okay?" He dismounted and watched as she did the same with greater difficulty. He wondered when she was finally going to get that growth spurt – she fourteen and probably hadn't even made it to five foot yet. It was easy to forget that – she seemed to make up for her small height in personality.

"Yup. That was awesome. When can I ride one of those?"

He smiled. "I believe your father has put me under obligation to say never."

She snorted. "Soon then."

He was fairly sure he'd been riding one years before fourteen. "Pretty much."

"Joanna!" The voice made them both turn. Her grandmother – he thought it was pretty safe to say it was her grandmother given the circumstances – was smiling at them from the doorstep. She was exactly how he imagined a grandmother should be – tiny (a growth-spurt wasn't looking so good for Joanna now), wrinkled in a way that looked like she smiled a great deal, and dressed in a pristine green apron with grey hair pinned into a neat bun. She had those same large brown eyes. "Well what a lovely surprise. I've just baked a cake too. You're just in time." She had a similar accent to Bones, a strange mix of refined and Southern drawl.

"What, dad didn't call and let you know we were coming?" Joanna looked surprised.

Her grandmother gave her a look that he would have called sly on anyone less innocent. "He may have mentioned it, but you know it's hard to understand your father when he is agitated. He always was a highly-strung child." He snorted internally at that, and wondered how many embarrassing stories he'd be able to wring from her about his CMO. He'd need some leverage for the next few missions.

Joanna laughed too and went to embrace the woman. "It's good to see you Grandma."

"It's lovely to see you too. My, I do think you've grown." She frowned and patted the top of her head as if measuring. "Don't be getting ahead of yourself – this grandma doesn't like to be towered over. Good things come in small packages you know."

Joanna snorted. "I leave tall for James, don't worry."

"Good girl." They smiled at one another and Jim felt... heartened and awkward simultaneously. He was glad to see that Joanna had one normal member of her family, but family moments like this made him feel like an outsider. He wasn't good with the whole family thing. "Now we're being rude. Your poor friend. Aren't you going to introduce us?"

Joanna blushed and looked guiltily at him. He gave her reassuring smile. "Grandma this is Jim – Jim Kirk. You know, dad's friend."

"Ah. Leonard's friend." She gave him a deep appraising look with those same brown eyes and Jim suddenly knew where Joanna had got it from. She smiled suddenly. "Well, I do believe you've done him some good on that starship of yours. I wasn't expecting it, but healing can come with ten different faces, as my ma would say. I might forgive you for taking him so far away from an old woman."

Jim gave her his most winning smile. He liked her. He liked her a great deal. "That's very kind of you. But you don't seem so old to me. I might have mistaken you for his sister had I not known otherwise."

"Oh you're a charmer. I see how it is. Well it was very kind of you to bring Joanna here too. Might as well get all my thankyou's out in one go. But here I am, mouth overloading my tail and keeping you both on the doorstep instead of inviting you in." Jim smiled and exchanged a look with Joanna, who was grinning broadly. The followed her into her warm kitchen.

It was clear that this was a place of safety for Joanna. He saw how she relaxed, as she smiled more openly as cake and orange juice were placed before them both. He found himself relaxing too. It was impossible not to. Mary McCoy chatted to them both on innocuous subjects, berating him on not eating a third slice of cake, telling Joanna all about the horses one of the farmers a few towns over had brought, but making no mention of the reasons why they were here or what had happened. He liked her better for that – he wasn't sure if he could bear seeing Joanna cry. Instead they laughed, and exchanged jokes and banter. They were both easy to tease, and Joanna seemed to think his flirting with her grandmother was hysterical. He pointed out calmly that he always needed practice with woman out of his league, but he warmed inside. Joanna laughing was always better. It was only when the night drew in, when Joanna was yawning and they'd prepared and eaten a wonderful dinner (hell that woman could cook) that it finally came to an end.

"Well, I think the sandman's calling to you sweetheart. Your room's just the same." Her grandmother gave her a gentle smile.

"I'm not tired."

"Really, because if you keeping yawning like that I'll have to feed you spiders to take care of the flies."

Joanna snorted but her face sobered quickly. "I want to wait up for dad."

"Well he won't be going anywhere once he gets here. You can talk in the morning. Neither of you will be in the right mind tonight, and you both can tear up a railtrack with a rubber hammer."

The girl nodded slowly, but still hesitated, turning to him with worried eyes. "Jim...?"

He wasn't sure what she wanted him to say. Technically his role was over. He'd brought her somewhere safe, and her grandma was more than capable of dealing with the after-effects of this trauma. Yet she didn't want him to leave, he could see it in her face, and, if he was honest, he didn't want to go. He liked being here, being with her. It made him feel better, even with the situation earlier. And he needed to make sure she was alright.

"I'll be here when you wake up, Sassy."

"Really?" The girl looked relieved.

"Really."

"Well good." She paused and looked suddenly awkward. "Night grandma." She moved to embrace the elderly woman, who patted her on the head.

"Goodnight sweetheart. Sleep well."

"Night Jim."

For a moment he thought she'd embrace him too, but glanced at her grandmother, blushed and wished him goodnight before disappearing out of the room. He smiled to himself – fourteen was definitely a hilarious age.

He watched as Mary moved around the kitchen again, and moved to help her. "Why don't you have a seat and I'll make tea."

She smiled at him, and he saw Joanna in it. "Are you sure you know how to make tea without a replicator?"

He chuckled. "I'm sure I'll manage."

"Very well. I don't think it's wise to turn down an offer to be waited upon. They're far too few these days." She took a seat at the kitchen table and watched his far less sure movements.

"Why do you stay out here, all on your own?" He asked as he boiled water and located the sugar and milk.

The woman shrugged. "It's my home."

"It's beautiful. But it seems very large for one lady."

She smiled slightly. "Do you think that I cannot cope, Captain?"

He made a quick retreat. "Of course not. You seem extremely capable. It just seems... lonely."

She sighed. "Perhaps it is. But I have always valued calm, and am not afraid of time alone. In truth, this is my home, and has been a home to my family for generations. I hope that one day it will be a family home once again."

He took the inference as he handed her the mug. "You know, I think Bones would like that."

She looked amused at his nickname for her son. "Perhaps 'Bones' would. If you ever free him from service."

"He knows he's free." He was hardly binding him to the Enterprise. But he would miss him if he left. He'd miss him a great deal.

"I don't think he'd ever leave you. You inspire a great deal of dedication from your staff."

"Is that so?" He wondered how she would know that.

The woman could clearly read his face. "You get a feeling of these things at my age. You're a good friend to Leonard."

He chuckled. "He might disagree."

She smiled. "My son has a great many talents, but he wouldn't know what was good for him if it arrived on his doorstep packaged and labelled."

"He married Christine." He pointed out.

"True." She acquiesced with a smile. "A remarkable feat of good judgement. I still wonder about that."

Since Jim was one of the few people who knew of the circumstances leading to Bones marrying his head nurse he kept quiet. They sat in silence drinking tea for a while.

"I'm glad you brought Joanna." She finally said.

"I'm glad you fed her cake."

"Well, my ma always said that there's no glue for a broken heart, but chocolate cake is fairly sticky."

"Certainly a principle worth living by."

"My mother was a sensible woman." She looked contemplative. "Though I'm concerned that chocolate cake may not be enough in my grand-daughter's case."

"I do believe that your cake is the best I've ever tasted. I don't doubt its efficacy."

The woman chuckled. "You are certainly a charmer..." She trailed off and Jim attempted to ease some of the woman's burden.

"I've known Joanna for a long time now. I think there are few things that can stop her smiling for a long time – especially when she's surrounded by people that care about her."

"I'm sure you're right." The woman nodded. "But I fear that her life is spent far from those that care all too often. I feel it in her letters sometimes." She sighed. "Leonard fought for custody, did you know that?" Jim nodded. "Caroline... well I suppose it was out of spite really that she prevented him from having even joint custody. He agreed to step back when she threatened to take away his visitation rights."

"Is that possible to do?"

"Perhaps – with the right lawyers. Leonard cared too much about Joanna to risk losing contact. But he felt like a failure, and that's hard for a mother to see. He lost his entire family very quickly. He didn't know about Caroline's medical conditions until later. If he had... well I suppose he might have had something to fight with. Not to take Joanna away from her, of course – but to have more input in her life. She would never have been sent to that school if he'd had a say – no matter how special her mind is." Jim privately wondered whether the school had actually been a good move, considering the state of her mother at home, but made no comment. She sighed. "But there's no use crying over spilt milk. What's done is done."

"And Joanna is still her brilliant self. That's not going to change." He wondered if that was true. His childhood had changed him.

"She certainly is trouble." She looked fond rather than disapproving. "I suppose it's a grandma's prerogative to worry. She gets so hurt, and she doesn't talk about it. Carry poison arrows for too long and you're likely to stab yourself."

"Well she's got you to watch out for her, and her father."

She met his eyes with a direct look. "And you, apparently."

There was no point denying it. "Apparently. We're good friends."

To his surprise he saw none of the disapproval he was used to. "I can see that. I imagine you have all sorts of fun – being friends with both father and daughter."

He chuckled. "Well, I do have some experience at difficult politics."

"And practice makes perfect."

"I've always thought so."

She continued to look thoughtful as a knock at the door suggested the arrival of the rest of her family.

His listened to them out in the hall, exchanging greetings, Mary gushing over James, who apparently was sleeping on his mother's shoulder, hugging Christine, and soothing her son. She was helping Christine to their room when Bones found him.

"Christine must have piloted – you made it here in one piece." He commented lightly as Bones frowned.

"Shut up, Jim." He lacked much bite. "I'd never pilot one of those damn things. We came by shuttle, as you well know. We're just damn lucky James is used to all this flying these days."

"You'd think you would be too."

He snorted, turning to regard his mother's kitchen with a critical eye. Apparently the whiskey and glasses hadn't moved since he lived here, because he produced both in seconds. Jim poured when he noticed the man's hands were shaking. Joanna got her anxiety tremor from her father.

"How is she?" The man finally asked after a sip, hands beginning to stabilise.

"A lot better since she got here."

He nodded. "I imagine." He swallowed, eyes focused on the amber liquid in his glass. "How bad was it, Jim?"

He considered lying, but decided against it. He was her father. He should know. "It was pretty bad. She wanted Joanna to let her die. She was rather angry when she didn't."

"Hell."

"Yep." He enjoyed the burn of the whiskey.

"What did Joanna say about it?"

"Not much. I think she realised her mom was pretty ill, but she made her promise not to say a word. I don't think the attempt came as much of a surprise to her."

The man scowled. "Damn it – it's like her to make Joanna promise such a thing. How did she do it?"

That question could have meant many things, but Jim knew what he meant. "Hanging. Joanna found her hanging. She cut her down." He decided not to mention that she'd paused. Given what he now knew he understood why, but he wasn't entirely sure whether Bones would, though his love for his daughter was limitless.

"Hell." The man wiped his face with a shaking hand. "What a thing to see."

He nodded. It was. Even for him, who'd seen far worse. He poured them another glass each. "I don't pretend to understand her illness – not the way you can, but she seemed pretty scared. Talking about being watched and poisoned and stuff. Any chance she's telling the truth?" He was fairly sure she was ill, but if she wasn't... well she was Joanna's mother.

The man sighed. "It's unlikely Jim. Her illness... well the typical patient hears voices, and hallucinates, and becomes paranoid of the world around them. Then their mood becomes affected – Caroline's always been prone to labile mood, bright one moment, then low the next, but if she get's full blown depression, added to the hallucinations... Well you can't imagine it Jim, but you saw the results. We're programmed to trust our minds and our senses. Now imagine hearing something awful and the people around you telling you you're wrong but you know what you've heard."

"It must be terrifying."

The doctor nodded. "Damn right. Scary for her family too. There's no reasoning with them. It's hard to understand and harder to know what to do."

"But the medications will work?"

He nodded. "They will, but the dosages vary, and missing just one dose can trigger a relapse." He sighed. "For Joanna it must have been... well I should have come home earlier. I should have had her come to me."

"This isn't your fault Bones. You weren't to know."

"I'm her father. Of course I'm meant to know." He shook his head. "I sure as hell don't know how to make this better."

He was firm. "You're here. That will make it better."

The man snorted sceptically. "Because I'm known for being a good parent." He shook his head. "What the hell would have happened if you hadn't been there?" He didn't want to think about that much. He shrugged and finished his drink. What was the probability that he'd arrive moment before her mother attempted a suicide attempt? What had drawn him there? It had to be a coincidence, but it was a pretty huge one.

Clearly his friend was thinking the same thing. "Why were you there, Jim?"

He shrugged because he had no idea how to put it into words and wasn't sure he wanted to. "I was in the area and thought I'd say hi."

"Is that so?" The doctor assessed him levelly. "On the day her mother decided to kill herself? Did you have any idea?" There was a clear accusation in his eyes.

"Of course not. No more than you." He looked slightly relieved.

"You still get letters from her?"

"Yes." He wasn't going to deny it.

The man shook his head, putting pieces together. "And how many times have you seen her without me knowing?" There had only been once, just the time with the Klingons, but he didn't dare share that secret. He remained silent. "Damn it Jim, we've spoken about this before. She's a _child_."

He felt a flicker of hurt but gave him a smile. "You know, I have worked that out. I assure you I'm aware of it at every moment. What exactly do you think I'm going to do to her?"

He scowled angrily. "Well you're a man, and you're well known for your exploits with-." The anger he felt waved through him, making him stand abruptly but he reigned it in and smoothed his face. He quietly found his jacket. Because for someone to think that of him... his friend...

"Hell Jim, sit down. You know I didn't mean it like that. I've had a damned long day."  
>He didn't sit, but he paused. "Then what exactly did you mean, Leonard?" He asked quietly.<p>

The doctor rubbed a tired hand over his face. "You have a damned reputation, Jim, and hell, don't get me wrong, I know you wouldn't lay a finger on her, but you know as well as I do that people get concerned when a grown man is spending time with a child."

"Since when do you give a damn about what people think?"

"I don't – not about me. But I'm her father, and I'm supposed to care about these things. That's my job. And she's had enough excitement for a lifetime. We both know you'd only bring more."

Jim personally thought that the exact thing Joanna needed right now was some excitement, and decent enough distraction, but knew such thoughts wouldn't be well received. Besides, he was her father, and what did he know about what a father should do?

"Heard loud and clear, Bones. I should go."

"You don't have to Jim. Don't be-."

He held up a hand. "We both know I do. I'll see you on the Enterprise."

"Jim..." Bones took his arm. "I'm... well..." Bones wasn't known for his big apologies, but he heard it in his tone.

"It's alright. I understand." He felt a similar reluctance to leave bad blood between them. He cleared his throat. "Well, there's a lovely doctor in Atlanta I promised to look up, and would hate to disappoint. I'll see you later."

The doctor was looking awkward, so he didn't meet his eyes. "See you later Jim."

He pushed away the feeling of guilt as he left the front door. He'd promised Joanna he'd stay. He'd have to write to her and say... something. Not the truth. Like it or not, he knew his friend had a point. Maybe he'd been selfish in seeking Joanna's company, and receiving her letters. He would never want to hurt her. What _was_ he thinking, being friends with a fourteen year old?

It was dark out, and quiet. He could hear crickets chirping in the fields, and gentle snorts of a horse in the field next to him. The moon was bright in the sky. He paused next to his bike. It would be a good night to ride. He had no idea where to go now, but that was part of the fun of it. There were those stars, out in the sky. So many stars, just waiting for him. The light he saw from Earth was from thousands of years ago – like looking back in time. Some wouldn't be there when he reached them, long extinct. Others would sustain beings that would be watching the Sun sustaining an Earth millions of years before he had ever lived on it. He felt that familiar pull, that need to see it all, to explore it. And the best thing was he could. He had nothing and nobody binding him to this planet. He ignored the small tug in his chest that tested the validity of that statement. It was time to go. He liked it here, he did. But he wasn't supposed to stay anywhere long.

"You're leaving?" The familiar voice full of accusation came out of the darkness and made him jump. He scanned around, seeing nothing, then finally upwards. Joanna was seated on the roof of the garage, her legs swinging off the edge, still fully dressed. He should have known better when she went to bed so quickly. Or maybe she just needed to be under the stars, the same way he did.

He shrugged and aimed at nonchalance. "Something's come up Sassy. I have to go." She looked down at him with those piercing brown eyes. "I was going to write you a letter."

She made no immediate comment, looking up at the sky for a while. "I always sneak out here when I'm at grandma's. The roof's flat and you can lie and see the stars. I always imagine where you and dad are." She lapsed into silence and he felt increasing guilt. Then she sighed and looked down at him again. "It's alright Jim. I understand. I wouldn't want to be my friend either after today." Damn. No one had quite the ability to make him feel the way she did. For a moment he had no idea what to say. Then he attempted to work out how she'd got onto the garage roof. All he could find was a thin pipe at the back of the building, but after checking that it could take his weight, he climbed up quickly and moved to her side.

"Can I sit here?" He asked politely. She looked up at him surprised, but nodded and he took a seat. He wondered how he should begin. "Tough day, huh?" He finally managed. It was woefully inadequate.

She nodded soberly. "The worst."

"Your mom - she'll be okay."

She shrugged, clearly unconvinced. "Maybe."

He studied her carefully, trying to understand her, trying to make things better. "What she said – I'm sure she didn't mean it. You heard the doctor – people say things they don't mean when they're unwell."

"She meant it." Joanna retorted firmly.

She had that look on her face that he knew was pointless to argue with. He knew what it was like to be sure your mother hated you. "How do you know?"

She shrugged. "Mom is... well sometimes she's like that when she's not sick."

He frowned. "How do you mean?"

"She blames me for getting ill. She was fine before she had me, and then she did and then everything went wrong. She says that if she lived her life again she wouldn't have had a child, that she would have travelled, but she met my dad and he stopped her, and then I came along and destroyed everything." And suddenly Joanna's insecurities made a lot more sense. "Sometimes she likes me, but sometimes she doesn't. She says that my brain is all wrong, that it must be damaged to work the way it does. She thinks something happened when I was a kid, an illness or something and now I'm abnormal."

He wasn't sure what to say. "Well, there's nothing wrong with being abnormal." He pointed out with forced cheerfulness.

She smiled slightly. "You're the only one that thinks that." Her face fell. "Sometimes I try... I try really hard to be normal. When I was a kid I thought that she would love me more if I was, but no matter what I did it was always wrong. Sometimes I'll say something by accident – something I remember and she gets really angry. Or something else – about school and what I've been learning. I guess I stopped trying after a while. But I can be better. I can try harder. I know she won't love me more, but she might like me. I should have tried. She might have trusted me."

"That wasn't your fault Joanna."

"Yes it was. If nothing else I should have told someone when I found her hyposprays. And then..." Her voice wobbled slightly, but she managed to pull it under control. Clearly the Vulcans' were working miracles with her. He wasn't sure he liked it, even if crying made him uncomfortable. "And then I stood there and she was just hanging..." She trailed off, a dark look on her face, and he knew exactly what she was seeing, that she couldn't, and never would, forget that image.

He kept his voice soft. "Joanna, even seasoned soldiers sometimes freeze. It was a big shock."

Her head lowered guiltily. "I didn't freeze Jim. I just... I read her letter, and then all I could think of was that she wanted to die, and she wanted me not to do something, and I wondered... I wondered if maybe I should let her." There was horror on her face. "I'm a bad person, aren't I? What sort of person lets their mother die?"

Once again he had no idea what to say. What could possibly be adequate? "Joanna, I don't think you're a bad person. You... well you were always thinking what was best for your mom. And then you did the right thing."

She sniffed. "Mom will never believe that."

"I do."

She frowned, suddenly vehement. "You shouldn't. She almost died. I should go to prison. I'm bad. Really bad. No wonder she hates me."

"I doubt there's a prison that could keep you in, Sassy. You broke me out of one, remember?"

"That's true." She fell silent for a moment, then started again in a more contemplative voice. "Do you really believe in me?"

He'd said that earlier. He'd believed it too. "Always."

Her face was still guarded. "Mom said that I become something dark and evil one day."

He could never believe Joanna would be evil. She just wasn't capable of it. "We make our own fates, Joanna. It our choice, not anyone else's what we become."

"Do you believe that?"

"Yes."

She looked thoughtful. "If I could do what I wanted then I'd come and live on the Enterprise with you one day."

"Well you'd be welcome. They'll always be a home on the Enterprise for you."

"Do you mean that?"

"Of course I do."

She smiled at him so brilliantly it stunned him, and then threw her arms around his neck. "Thank you." He wasn't sure that he'd said anything remarkable – after all her father resided on the ship, but felt strangely humbled by her thanks.

"You're welcome."

She suddenly looked uncertain. "So we're still friends?"

And it came back to this. He knew, knew perfectly well after his conversation with her father that he should say they should leave it for a while, that they could be friends again when she was older. But he couldn't. After a rejection from her mother, he knew she wouldn't take it well from him. And there were far too few people in this universe that cared about her. He wasn't going to remove himself from that number. He wasn't sure if he could, even if he tried. Like it or not, he cared about her. Besides, he wasn't hurting anyone, being her friend. He could take the odd snide comment and dark look. His reputation could withstand it, and he knew how to protect hers – he'd had plenty of practice in that department. And, as he sat here, he realised he needed her. He could admit that to himself – even if he'd never say it aloud. He needed her letters, and her constancy, and the way she as always pleased to see him.

"Of course we're friends Joanna. We'll always be friends."

She grinned at him, unguarded again. "Good – glad you agree. I thought dad might have scared you off."

He stared at her for a moment, and then realised he might have just been outplayed. By a fourteen year old. "How long were you listening for?"

"I knew it!" She rolled her eyes. "I didn't listen – I can't get downstairs without grandma knowing. I had to climb out of the window, but I knew he would." She snorted. "As if I couldn't lose your friendship on my own." She shook her head. "Did he tell you to leave me alone again?"

"Yep..."

She gave him a long look. Joanna was astute when she chose to be. "Were you thinking of listening?"

He shrugged. "You know I'd never hurt you, right?"

She smiled at him, suddenly the comforter. "Of course you wouldn't." She grinned at him, absolutely sure. She never doubted him. She must be the only person in the universe who didn't. "We'll always be friends, and I'll come and work on the Enterprise and we'll see the stars."

"You can already see the stars Joanna – from right here."

She stuck her tongue out. "You know what I mean."

"Oh, so you're expecting to have adventures on the Enterprise?"

"Obviously. Why else would anyone go and live on a big ship?"  
>"You have a point." They both looked up at the sky.<p>

"Are you still leaving?"

"Afraid so."

She sighed. "Is there a girl?"

"Not yet." He grinned at her and she shook her head at him with a frown.

"So you're going on an adventure."

"Yep."

"I wish I could come."

"I wish you could too. But you need to stay with your dad."

"I know. When will you be back?"

"I'm not sure. But you'll be on the Enterprise next summer wont you?"

"I don't know yet. Henry says I might have to stay at school next summer."

Jim had a strong suspicion that Bones would have something to say about that, but kept his thoughts to himself. "Well, I have the feeling that fate will throw us together no matter."

Joanna grinned. "Don't we make our own fates?"

He laughed. "Exactly. I'll be seeing you." He pulled himself to his feet. "And you should probably be finding your way to bed before someone notices you're gone."

"Okay..." She stood too, and before he could think she hugged him tightly.

"I'm glad you came." She said somewhere around his stomach.

He ran a hand down her hair. "I am too." Strangely, he realised, that was true. He released her and climbed back down to the ground. When he glanced back up she'd disappeared somewhere into the night. He smiled to himself, started his bike and drove off into the night.

_A/N – Heavy I know – the next chapter's not letting up much either. Sorry in advance. But fear not – these are two naturally cheerful people after all! Anyhow, the song for the next chapter is Timshel by Mumford and Sons (again!). Thanks for reading._


	21. The Girl

20. The Girl

_A/N – Hi everyone. Many thanks as always for the reviews, you are all great. Unfortunately this is a bridging chapter, as we're focusing on the past to make sense of the present. Luckily the next three chapters are big ones (in both the past and the present) – and we're finally going to get some answers. Yay! Thank you all for reading._

Cold is the water

It freezes your already cold mind

Already cold, cold mind

And death is at your doorstep

And it will steal your innocence

But it will not steal your substance

But you are not alone in this

_Timshel - Mumford and Sons_

"Mister Spock, life and death are seldom logical." – _Leonard McCoy, The Galileo Seven, TOS_

Joanna had to live. It was her single thought as she hit the water feet first, fully expecting, at the very least, to have broken her legs by falling from such a height. But she didn't, by some miraculous twist of fate. Then the icy cold water drove every thought from her mind, and she sunk deep beneath the surface, the strong currents almost impossible to resist, the weight of her back pulling her down. Oxygen starvation finally brought her to her senses. She had to live. She swam upwards towards the light with strong strokes, her body repeating the instinctive pattern, and broke the surface gasping. The water was violent, and the waves pushed her under again almost immediately. Lack of oxygen made her light-headed and there was to be no reprieve. She resurfaced but the waves were too strong and she had to fight, desperate for each breath, losing track of time and sense. Finally, an indeterminate time later, the water settled. She filled her lungs and trod water, trying to right herself, to force her thoughts into order. Her watch told her an hour had passed. She gazed out at the water in every direction and wondered what the hell she was going to do now. Then another thought occurred to her, more pressing than her own troubles. Jim.

It had happened so fast. The relief, the joy, and then the warning. She had worked with Hy'lar for a long time, and he firmly believed in preparing for every eventuality, something she agreed whole-heartedly with. So when she had looked past Jim and seen the sign, flickering in the lights of her ship, she knew exactly what that meant. Hy'lar was no longer in control. And if he wasn't in control, someone else was. Someone that would capture her, as they had her friend. She knew all too well that the implications if she was caught were huge. Jim, she prayed, would be able to explain his presence, especially since he was still in the borrowed uniform. She knew him after all – he could talk himself, or flirt himself, out of most situations. But there was no way she would be able to explain her own, and there was a high risk they'd instantly jump to the obvious conclusion of her occupation. That was too great a risk, especially now. She knew that this was all connected – all the fragments, all the organisations, all the cards that she held in her rapidly growing hand. She was all too aware she was running on borrowed time. No one was going to let her live now she was putting them together. So, in a life that currently seemed to be full of split second decisions, she had made another one, and dropped. Now she had to survive this. Somehow. And pray Jim found her.

Cold was seeping into her bones. The past hour had taken too much energy, and the temperature was going to cut the time she had before exhaustion set in significantly. The firm voice of Lotoc's training cut through her mind. Determine what will kill you first – and solve the problem. She needed to get out of the water before hypothermia affected her ability to swim. Which, when she considered the watery wilderness, was going to be easier said than done. She had a feeling that she would be hoping for too much for Jim to have packed a life-raft in her backpack. Not that she dared open her bag in the water. Instead she re-assessed her surroundings. There was no land to see anywhere, but the water wasn't empty – pieces of wreckage were floating on the surface now she looked properly – leaves, branches, other fragments. It suggested she'd been over a forest when she'd dropped. Unfortunately for her, nothing looked large or strong enough to support her weight. She considered her options. She could swim, perhaps in the direction of the city they'd just flown from, and hope to find something bigger that she could use as some sort of raft; or she could wait, conserve her energy for longer, and hope something large found her. It was a tough choice – she ran the risk of being found if she headed the way she'd come. Someone was bound to check the city for survivors – though she personally wasn't hopeful that anyone could have survived that tsunami. She didn't want to think too hard about that. On the upside, the beasts she'd met hadn't looked like they were built for swimming. So go or stay? She sighed to herself, and made her decision. She'd never been good at doing nothing.

She swam east for a long time. The exercise helped keep her warm, and when the sun appeared from behind the clouds she could occasionally make out a building deep beneath the water. The wreckage also increased, and she finally found something worth swimming for – a large uprooted tree. She thanked every being she could think of. The tree spun in the water as she attempted to heave herself on and she heard and splash and a scream. Her reaction was automatic. She pulled a knife between her teeth, and swam back out, keeping beneath the surface and circling the tree in the direction of the sound. It took her a moment to spot the native, her green skin blending her in with the remaining leaves. She was struggling amongst the branches, obviously caught, taking mouthfuls of water which was only making her choke and panic more. She must have dislodged her when she'd turned the tree. Damn it. She was going to drown herself at this rate.

"Stop moving." She shouted at the girl. The girl stilled at her voice, but only for seconds, then seemed to panic further and sunk. Joanna swore under her breath and swam closer. She was caught below by branches and her struggling was only making it worse. She wondered whether she was out of her mind, but dove anyhow, cutting away branches with her knife and freeing her legs, pushing her upwards out of the water. She had to surface for breath before she could free her upper body. The girl took one look at her, then the knife in her hand, and grew alarmed again. She thrashed like she was about to be attacked and pushed Joanna back under. Damn – she was going to get the both of them killed, Joanna thought hazily as she attempted to avoid the kicking legs that hit her chest, and free herself from the branches that were now pinning her. When she surfaced finally, lungs unable to cope as well as normal without oxygen after her earlier ordeal, she was feeling less than charitable towards the girl. Time to speak a language she'd understand. She forced her way towards the flailing being and pressed the blade towards her throat. She immediately stopped moving. She used another knife to cut the branches from the rest of her, then released her and pushed her up on the trunk. It took her a moment to follow, her arms aching.

The girl looked young, face smooth, although it occurred to her they were probably near the same age, which was odd, mostly because she felt double her age most of the time. She was watching her warily, but not attempting to get away – which was the first sensible thing she'd seen her do. However, considering that she'd probably been used as a slave for the last few months and had just watched her entire species die, she had every reason to be scared. Joanna sighed and hid her knives. It was nice to know that not every being had been killed by the tsunami. If she was honest, it was nice to know she wasn't here alone too. She might be here for a while. Jim might not find her. She could die out here. She quickly dismissed that thought because it didn't bear thinking about. She had to live – or everything she'd just found out, everything she knew, would die with her. Jim had found her before – against all probability. He'd find her again.

She pulled off her pack, but attached it to herself with a wrist-strap just in case, and pulled out her ration packs. She threw one to the girl, then opened one herself. The girl made no attempt to take it, so she ignored her and forced herself to eat. She'd need all her energy now to keep warm. She drank from her bottle, then hyposprayed herself with a painkiller, because all the swimming she'd just done was playing havoc with her previously dislocated shoulder and her head hurt like hell. She watched her breath come out as white mist and knew it was getting colder. Her wet clothes weren't helping the situation but there wasn't much she could do about them. When she got out of here she was investing in one of the nice drying gadgets that Gaila had made her fortune with. She watched the girl glance at her through her tangled hair, then grab the food like she was going to take it away. Poor kid. They'd probably starved her. She'd have to take her with them when she was rescued – it was hardly like she could leave her on this planet. She'd need to find a safehouse too – it was possible she was the last of her kind. The last of her kind... The last chance she'd have to get information firsthand. Like the identity of the people that had just destroyed an entire civilisation. She sighed to herself. Hell this was bad. A couple of years ago the thought that so many had died, had been murdered, would have chilled her. Now such horror didn't feel so unusual. It just made her tired, weary of a universe where people could do such monstrosities and get away with it. Where the Federation turned a blind eye when it suited them. She'd become desensitized and cynical. She wished she was like Jim. She didn't know how he did it – kept that joy, that childish fascination that she found so appealing. But she felt it, it rubbed off on her, whenever she was around him.

The girl coughed and she looked up. She was shivering, her teeth chattering, looking sad and pathetic. Joanna assessed the sun. It was only a few hours until sundown. The girl wouldn't survive those temperatures if she was like this now. She sighed, knowing her handler would give her a serious talking to for such foolishness, but removing her jacket anyway.

"Here." The girl looked at her warily, but her coldness clearly won, because she reached out and took it from her, putting it on gingerly and trying to work out how the zip worked. Joanna frowned at her, but moved closer, and the girl only flinched when she zipped it for her, her expression turning to one of relief as she warmed slightly. Well that was something at least. Joanna knew all too well that she might have just cut hours off her own life from exposure, but the hell with it. Her training had taught her that she always had to put herself first, even at the expense of others. Supposedly the information she supplied would save the lives of thousands more – the greater good. In reality Joanna wondered how anyone sat back and watched someone die. The people she supposedly saved were just words, not really real to her. But the face of the girl next to her – she was real. It was her face that she wouldn't forget, that would haunt her if she allowed her to die. Besides, other than her job she was unimportant, and one day, maybe today, she would die and everything would continue like nothing had happened. So she couldn't let the girl die. Jim wouldn't have. Of course not. And sometime, maybe in the last few days, she'd started to measure her own ethics by his, as she always had in the past. Hell, but she didn't dare think about what that meant, although her heart was making it all too clear. It scared the hell out of her.

The girl said something and she had to rewind her memory before she worked out what she was saying. She didn't understand the word at all. She must have looked blank because the girl repeated it, with a gesture at herself.

"Piopi." It must have been her name.

Joanna attempted a smile and gestured at herself. "Joanna." The girl nodded, her eyes still wary and sad, but less aggressive. Clearly the jacket had done its job. "Well." Joanna said to her softly. "What are we going to do now?"

The girl looked blank, and Joanna didn't have the patience or will to begin a game of charades to communicate her thoughts. She considered the watery expanse, tucking her hands into her armpits. The stone of her necklace was icy against her skin and she pulled above her clothes. She felt something wretch in her chest when she considered it – as she hadn't in a long time, banished as it had been beneath her shirt. People did not give gifts to those they didn't care about, no matter how she wanted to disbelieve it. Jim had, at least once upon a time, cared about her. He hadn't had to give her something, just as he hadn't had to rescue her, or comfort her all those times. A few days ago she'd been blinded by hurt, but that seemed to have melted away. Mostly thanks to that kiss. Oh hell. This was bad. She shouldn't have let him kiss her.

The girl said some garbled words and Joanna looked back at her with a frown. Her green eyes were staring at her widely. She seemed more animated than before, speaking quickly. Joanna must have looked confused again because she gestured at her necklace. Joanna shook her head in incomprehension, and the girl reached over to her, excitement clearly overcoming her reservations. She made a sound that sounded like a whistle, then touched the stone, and to her shock, within its core a red light appeared.

"What the hell." Joanna stood in her shock, almost falling into the water when the tree trunk rocked hard. The girl screamed and she sat back down and controlled herself. What the hell had she just done? She'd never seen anything like that before, certainly not in the stone she was wearing. How had she done it? Could she do it to all stones, it was it something special about her own? The way that the girl was looking at it suggested that there was. Which was disturbing... Because she didn't know exactly what it meant. Was it dangerous? Jim had given it to her, and she didn't like to believe it could be, but then... Well Jim might not have known, not if he'd picked it up in his travels. The girl seemed to know exactly what it was however, and Joanna was getting frustrated when she couldn't understand. She'd had to add that to the list of questions to put to her when she finally found a way to translate. She tucked it under her clothes again – at least she couldn't see it glow that way – and frowned at the girl.

"Hell." The wind was picking up and she shivered. The colour of the sky suggested that there was quite a storm on the way. That was all they needed. Time was running out. It would be dark soon. Her heart felt heavy suddenly. What if something had happened to Jim? He should have been here by now. What if he couldn't escape and was being tortured? What if they'd killed him and Hy'Lar? She swallowed the bile that rose up at that thought and tried to calm herself. This was Jim – he was lucky. He'd escape, and come and find her. She had to believe that – to believe in him. And she did. She believed in him more than anyone else in the universe. A nagging voice reminded her that he'd still walked away, that she was mad to rely on anyone else – that it had almost killed her too many times. But what could she do? She was out of options. So find some, she told herself.

For the next two hours she attempted to think her way out of their situation. Unfortunately she was coming up with nothing. She needed a shuttle, and if there were any left on the planet, they'd be buried too deep for her to get without breathing apparatus. The chances of finding anything like that on a primitive planet was remote, especially with the flooding. The waves were getting increasingly large, and they were both thrown from the tree trunk several times as the sun set, the cold seeping into Joanna's bones until she struggled to think clearly. She was just pushing the girl back onto the trunk for the fifth time – after a discovery that she couldn't swim she'd made sure she kept towards the centre of the trunk, which stopped her getting tangled in branches, but unfortunately made it more likely for her to become unseated, and they were both shivering and panting from the freezing water – when it started to snow. Right then, for just a moment, Joanna wanted to cry.

Piopi leaned her head against her shoulder. She was shaking violently, and Joanna attempted to squeeze some of the water from her hair – which was proving impossible since it was freezing it into clumps. She was exhausted – truly exhausted, but the girl beside her wasn't doing much better. Somewhere in the last few hours they'd become united in the need to stay alive. She moved quickly to pull her torch out of her bag and fasten it around her head before the girl alerted her that another massive wave was heading towards them. Her words were mostly lost in the wind, as the waves roared into them, plunging them both again into the water. Joanna struggled to keep hold of the girl and keep sight of the trunk as she was pushed deep. Piopi had learnt to kick her legs now, and Joanna pulled an arm around her waist to pull them back to the surface. The first thing she realised on surfacing was that she couldn't see the trunk any more. Just as she began to panic she heard the girl scream, and something massive hit her head. For a moment she went blind and swallowed water, unable to move her arms or legs as the trunk pushed her under. Her thinking remained fuzzy, but feeling returned and branches snagged her as she clawed her way to the surface, only to realise she'd lost Piopi. No. Her heart stopped as she turned in the water. Then she did panic.

She dove, but her torch gave little light in the murky depths and she was all but blind. She reached out but felt nothing, surfaced and dove again. Minutes passed and she sunk down again and again, pushing herself deeper, desperate, terrified she'd lost her in the vast expanse. She couldn't lose her. She couldn't. And then her arm brushed something familiar – a hand, she was sure, and she grabbed it and dragged her upwards.

It was her – Joanna recognised the coat of the girl in her arms as she trod water. The girl was floppy, making no effort. She shook her, called her name, but there was no response. No. No, no, no. She turned the girl's head towards her own, listened for breaths. They were there. Shallow, but present. She thanked every being she could think of, unzipped the top of her jacket and felt for a pulse at her neck. Also present. She was alive but unconscious. Joanna shook her again but there was still no response. That wasn't good – not with the dropping temperatures. She glanced around and realised that the trunk was gone. Oh hell. Then the waves hit them again and she lost all thoughts as she struggled to keep both herself and the girl above the surface.

Indefinite time passed. The fight to tread water became more and more extreme as she froze. She couldn't find the girl's pulse in a momentary lull in the waves and knew it was over – that she could do nothing more to save her – that she could do nothing more to save herself. She would have cried at that moment, if she'd had the ability. Then the waves took her again and she struggled up, unable to let her cold body go. She glanced at the girl as she struggled for breath, memorising every detail, and, in her exhaustion, noticed something she hadn't previously. The girl had a tattoo down the side of her neck – straight lines forming lettering that she recognised. It was Cardassian. It spelled a name – one she knew very well. Dram Sarkat. The captain had a penchant for marking his belongings. Clearly Piopi had been his. And now, now sure as hell she knew who she was going after. Then she was pushed under, and her thoughts failed her.

She lost the girl sometime later. Just like that, she slipped from her arms and Joanna couldn't stop it. She would have tried to find her, but was starved for oxygen, her time on the surface becoming less and less as the waves hit and her legs failed her. She knew it was over, knew she didn't have long. She would die here, alone, in the water. Fear clenched her chest. She couldn't. She couldn't, not now. Not like this. She had to live. She forced her brain to find focus, find something worth living for. The information she carried wasn't enough alone. But Piopi was. She'd avenge the girl. She'd find who'd destroyed this planet and she'd blow them to hell. The warmth of her anger fuelled her for a while, but even that dwindled as her arms stopped functioning, as she struggled to stay conscious. Her mind instinctively went to her last hope, her default setting. Jim. She had to live for Jim. She remembered his lips on hers and the way he'd kissed her in the cave. The way she'd felt. Something between them had changed, she could feel it, the electricity between them like she was approaching a storm. She wasn't just a little girl to him anymore. That sure as hell wasn't the way you kissed a little girl. And though it might have meant little to him, it meant everything to her. He hadn't been drunk this time. He knew exactly what he was doing. And she felt the same way for him. She always had. She always would. She loved him. No matter what he'd done. No matter what he might do. She loved him, and she had to live because she wanted him. She wanted him to want her. And hell, everything told her it was a bad idea, that Jim Kirk didn't do relationships, would only hurt her, and she sure as hell wasn't in a position to start anything, to be anything to him. But she didn't give a damn right now, because she wanted him, and his kiss, and right now it was the only thing that was worth fighting for.

So she fought with everything she had left. But her body was too weak. Finally, she knew it was over. She couldn't feel her body, couldn't make it function. She was too cold, too exhausted. The light from her headtorch showed nothing but black around her, a dark grave. Silent and alone. This way had always scared her, and today was no different. She sank deep, felt her body convulse from oxygen starvation. Her mind didn't understand as her necklace rose above her face and she looked into the black stone and saw that red light. Her mind cried out to Jim. Then her body stilled and she saw no more.

_A/N – I know, I know, that didn't solve the cliff-hanger at all, did it? Sorry, sorry, sorry. I'll make it up in a couple of chapters, promise! The song for the next chapter will be Cry by James Blunt (thanks to Anitnut, my music guru, for that one!). Thanks for reading. _


	22. Of Scars and Nightmares

21. Of Nightmares and Scars

_A/N – Hi everyone. I know – long time no update. Apologies, I'm in the middle of finals. Anyhow time for a bit more drama, some answers, some more questions, and a very cryptic captain Kirk. Thanks for all the reviews – you are all amazing, and many apologies that I don't respond to them as well as I should – I assure you that I do read them and they do make my day. Thanks, as always, for reading._

I have seen birth. I have seen death.

Lived to see a lover's final breath.

Do you see my guilt? Should I feel fright?

Is the fire of hesitation burning bright?

And if you want to talk about it once again,

On you I depend. I'll cry on your shoulder.

You're a friend.

_Cry - James Blunt_

"Damn it, Bones, you're a doctor. You know that pain and guilt can't be taken away with a wave of a magic wand. They're the things we carry with us, the things that make us who we are. If we lose them, we lose ourselves. I don't want my pain taken away! I need my pain!"

– _James T. Kirk, Star Trek V: The Final Frontier_

Stardate: 2259

Jim: Aged 26

Joanna: Aged 10

"Where exactly do you think you're going?" Joanna groaned inwardly at the sound of her father's voice. She'd thought she'd made it.

Well there was nothing for it. She'd have to try and talk herself out of this one. She fixed her most innocent expression on her face as she turned towards him. "Nowhere in particular."

"Is that so?" He didn't look convinced at all. "You wouldn't happen to be attempting to sneak onto the bridge again, would you Joanna?" He didn't look impressed. Well neither was she. The bridge was where all the best things happened and she knew to keep out of the way and stand quietly – but her dad never let her ever near there. He said it wasn't the place for a ten year old, which was just stupid. It wasn't like she'd never been on the bridge before – although seeing Christine lying there bleeding and running from the I'Sorta weren't her fondest memories. She knew Jim wouldn't mind, and if it was quiet Pavel would show her what he was doing (and she'd pretend to understand) and Uhura might let her listen to all the different languages and try to pick out the content. Her dad was just so... frustrating, and she knew she was going to get into trouble if she didn't change the subject quick.

"Is that where you're going? The bridge?"

He scowled at the air. "Yes. Jim naturally wants to destroy every effort I make to do any actual work today."

"I thought there weren't any patients in sickbay?"

That was clearly the wrong thing to say. He turned his frown on her. "You know better than to think that patients are the only work that I have to do." That was true – her dad spent lots of time in his lab staring at proteins and neurones and other weird things. She had to admire it because Christine had told her that her dad had cured people because of his experiments, and that was amazing, but well... she'd rather be on the bridge.

"I know dad. What's going on?"

"I don't know. I never know until I get there." He frowned. "You should be getting back to our quarters. I'm sure that-." He was cut off when the lights suddenly flashed red. "Damn it." He suddenly looked torn and she suddenly felt hopeful. There was no way her dad was going to let her walk back to their quarters unescorted during a red alert. "Come on." She attempted not to look too excited as her father led her briskly into the turbolift and, _finally_, onto the bridge.

There was a hum of activity when they got there. She'd expected people running about and panic and drama, but there was certainly none of that here – just a palpable tension in the air. The staff were still at their posts, speaking in hushed voices, or giving orders through the comm. , their hands brisk and eyes focused. Something about their calm impressed her. Her father immediately moved to Jim's side, demanding information, but she hung back, not wanting to miss a second of her new surroundings, trying to take everything in at once. There were two ships on the viewscreen, but she didn't recognise either type – she was rapidly realising there were some thing that just weren't covered by a Vulcan education. One certainly looked in better condition than the other. She heard Spock mention trafficking and wondered if that meant they were smugglers. Obviously not good ones. Surely they'd need a better ship to outrun Starfleet?

"Uhura, open communication to the attacking vessel on all frequencies." Jim suddenly absorbed all her attention. He seemed different here on the bridge but she couldn't quite work out how. He was sitting in his chair, rubbing his face thoughtfully, dressed in his uniform. He _looked_ the same and yet... He was different, as if he was wearing a new face. The captain face, she realised. Obviously, she'd always known he was the captain of the Enterprise, and she'd seen him give orders to his crew and go on away missions and plenty of other things that made him a captain, but underneath it she'd always seen her friend Jim. She'd never really seen him _be_ a captain. Seeing him right now, sitting on the bridge, she didn't think anyone could ever doubt it. She'd never seen anyone who looked more like they belonged than he did right at that moment. He had an air of authority, a combined alertness and languor that was fascinating. There was something about the way he sat, something in his eyes that expected obedience, something a bit... well if it had been on anyone else she might have called it dangerous.

"Yes sir." She followed the voice to find the beautiful communications officer flicking switches. Joanna loved Uhura. She was smart and funny, and understood Vulcans in a way that most people didn't unless they'd lived with them, like her. "Comm open."

"Tellerite ship, this is Captain Kirk of the Federation ship Enterprise. Desist your attack on the Fallon vessel or we will be forced to open fire." Jim's voice was calm.

Fallon – Joanna remembered the Fallon. She'd been aboard two weeks ago when they'd met the species for the first time – they'd been explorers and they'd spent time exchanging information and ship designs. She hadn't ever seen her dad as excited as when he'd met their doctor. And there had been a pretty woman - an engineer Jim liked, she recalled. They'd gone their separate ways after three days. But something must have happened. Why would the Tellarites attack the Fallons? She'd never met a Tellarite. She didn't know much about them – certainly not enough to explain anything, and that frustrated her. What was the point of having a memory like hers if it was full of gaps of useful things? She'd have to look them up on the computer later.

"No response." Spock murmured after a tense pause.

She heard her father mutter something like "Damn it Jim – you know what will happen if we don't do something." Jim's face was grim and she felt questions race through her. What would happen? Were they going to kill them all? She didn't see any movement from the ship – no sign of weapons charging.

"Captain, I believe that the attacking vessel have already boarded the Fallon ship." Spock's cold voice murmured. "I am detecting fifteen Tellarite life-forms."

She heard her dad swear under his breath as Jim paused for only a moment, face as unreadable as the space around them. "Bones, prep the sickbay – expect heavy casualties from the Fallon ship. Uhura, ask Galloway to assemble a security team and meet me at the transporter deck. Spock, you're with me. Sulu, you have the bridge. If the Tellarite ship gives any indication of attacking either vessel blow them out of the sky."

"Yes sir." The crew moved without fuss and she found her dad by her side again as Jim and Spock moved towards the door.

"Jim." Her father stopped him with a hand on his arm and a low, urgent voice. "Don't let the Tellarites take them. Remember there are some things worse than death."

"I know Bones." Jim nodded. "I won't – you have my word." Something about the look they exchanged made her feel sick. What could be worse than death? Jim's eyes slid down to her, and for a moment she saw the man she was familiar with as his expression softened and he winked at her. Clearly he didn't seem to mind she was on the bridge.

"Captain?" Spock had clearly run out of patience. Jim's face hardened again.

"Let's move."

They disappeared into the turbolift and Joanna felt a sudden spasm of fear clench her chest. Something bad was going to happen on that ship. She just knew it. She desperately wanted to run after Jim, to warn him, but it was too late. Her father's hand squeezed her shoulder, but she didn't feel comforted in the slightest. She shut her eyes tightly and attempted to push the feeling away. She was being silly – and silly children weren't allowed on the bridge.

Everything moved with excruciating slowness after that. As she sat in the sickbay she wondered how the nurses could bear it – waiting mission after mission for the wounded. She hated not knowing what was going on. Her dad said that starship medicine was reacting, that you could never plan for anything that Jim encountered - but she wasn't sure she believed that. You could always plan. She just wasn't quite sure how to for this. She wished she was older, so that she could properly help, or go on away missions and fight like the others. Or that someone would at least tell her something. The nurses were calm and efficient – prepping like they had done it hundreds of time, easy banter between them, but Joanna couldn't laugh or joke. She felt ill and frustrated – like she did when Lotoc tried to make her meditate too hard or she couldn't solve one of her physics problems. The scowl on her dad's face suggested he didn't feel much better, but he hid himself away in his office and shut the door and she knew not to bother him. Finally Christine must have sensed her restlessness because she put her to work. Just as she'd finished counting stock in the medicines cabinet, rerolled every bandage, checked that the theatre trays were prepped, and was about to lose her mind, the comm wailed.

Christine answered it as her father came out of his office. "Bridge to Sickbay. Emergency team to transporter bay. Incoming casualties."

"Understood. Responding." Christine answered calmly, then turned to the staff watching her.

Joanna felt tightness in the pit of her stomach but kept silent and still as Christine handed out work and her father found his kit. They headed out of the door in less than twenty seconds, her father with a cautionary look, clearly meaning that she was to sit tight. She was left alone with Doctor Zuvolt and a few triaging nurses who quickly prepared for heavy casualties. She didn't want to be left here. She couldn't bear it. What if Jim never came back? What if he was dead? Or brought in on a stretcher? She just wanted to check he was okay. He was her best friend after all. That's what you did for friends. Besides, her dad hadn't actually forbidden that she leave, and he would be busy with the casualties. With any luck, he'd never know she'd been gone. She counted to ten, checked no one would notice, then went after her father.

The corridors were silent and glowed red, everyone attending their posts. She hurried along, preparing herself for... something. She wasn't sure what. But her dad said that sometimes all you had were your instincts. She still wasn't entirely sure what an instinct was, but if it was a pull that you couldn't ignore then she had one, and right now she needed to find Jim.

She heard her father's voice long before she saw him. The noise towards the transporter bay was chaotic and overwhelming – screaming and crying, and her father's voice above it all giving out orders. Nurse Simkins and a security ensign hurried past her carrying a stretcher. The patient they carried wasn't anyone she recognised – not that she could have. His face was burnt black and there was blood splattered all over his clothes. He wasn't moving. She suppressed a large wave of nausea. She felt suddenly scared. She couldn't help but remember the I'Sorta two years ago, and Christine bleeding, and all those bodies in the corridors... She had to pause for a moment to swallow the bile. She took some deep breaths. She tried to imagine putting her emotions away, just like Lotoc tried to teach her. It was just a red alert. The Enterprise had them all the time and was always fine. Jim and her dad and the crew were always fine. She was being silly and childish and Jim wouldn't like her anymore if she kept this up. She took a deep breath and moved closer to the bay.

The doors were wide open as she approached, people spilling into the corridor. She carefully made her way around them and peered into the bay. The room was full, filled with the injured who were hastily being moved off the deck to make way for the next influx of beamed. They were Fallon – but looked very different from the fearless people she had met previously. Their clothes were torn, their faces dirty. They were emaciated and bloody and wounded. But there was a look of fierceness in their eyes, that defiance that she'd noticed before. They hadn't been broken, no matter what had been done to them on that ship. They had fought – she could see some of them with weapons. She felt a wave of fear again. Her dad started shouting for Christine, and she moved out of the way as more wounded were hastily carried past. He was moving towards her and she attempted to blend into the wall. Her dad had an uncanny ability to sense her presence, particularly when she didn't want him to. Thankfully he was distracted by his patients, and followed several of them down the corridor at a sprint. Clearly they needed surgery. She sent a silent prayer on their behalf and moved into the transporter room.

Chekov was at the computer with one of the ensigns. She liked Pavel. Since she'd been onboard the last couple of weeks he'd spent lots of time with her. He said she reminded him of his little sister. He taught her all about Russia, which apparently had been the greatest state on Earth before the Alliance - since every genius had come from there. He tried to teach her about astrophysics too – but whereas she enjoyed the pictures of nebulae and blackholes, the maths was indecipherable to her. She enjoyed his enthusiasm though, and so listened patiently. Grandma said that you should listen to everyone – each person could teach you something that could save your life. Today however he didn't notice her, and she didn't want to distract him so stood quietly behind. She didn't want any attention. She'd just check Jim was okay, and then she'd go back to sickbay.

The platform lit up and she watched it avidly. Spock and several of the security team appeared, all looking worse for wear. Spock neatly caught the woman to his left to stop her falling to the ground and laid her down, Christine immediately there to see to her. He didn't look well himself, scorch marks on his uniform, but he turned to the comm. and she fixed on his voice.

"Bridge this is Spock. Charge weapons and lock onto the enemy vessel."

Sulu's voice was brisk. "Already done, Commander."

"Understood." He moved away and she watched him take in his surroundings passively. Vulcans were complex, one of the reasons she found them interesting. Noticing his tension, the slight thinning of his lips, she knew he was worried.

"Nurse Chapel – we must clear the bay."

She glanced up at him from her patient. Christine was always unflappable, even with one hand covered in blood and the other wielding instruments like they were an extension of herself. One day she wanted to be able to do that – to remain detached and professional and brave in any circumstance. Feeling like she did right now she wasn't sure if she ever could.

"Some of these patients are unstable, Commander." She pointed out.

"Acknowledged. Nevertheless, the bay must be cleared."

Christine glanced at him for a moment, then nodded. "Alright. Nurse Temple, we need to get these people to sickbay right now." She turned to give orders. "Chapman, escort the walking wounded. The rest of you, carry who you can. If anyone goes critical call for emergency transport."

The nurses sprang into action without hesitation. Joanna frowned at Spock's request. Was he expecting to be boarded? She felt a moment of dread and an instinct to run back to her father. But she was being silly. That wouldn't happen. Not again. Jim wouldn't allow it to.

The transporter pad lit up again as the room cleared, and Galloway and the rest of the staff appeared, Jim to the left. At a glance she understood the scene. Jim was carrying a body. He held her close to him, but her limbs were limp, her head drooping back. She was dead - there was no doubt of that. Joanna knew what a dead person looked like - how their skin became all pale and waxy and cold. How they went all limp, then stiff, then limp again. A body in itself didn't disturb her much. It was who it was. The woman was as bruised and battered as the others had been and had a large wound to the chest, but she recognised her beautiful face perfectly. She was the engineer from a few weeks ago that Jim had liked. Joanna felt suddenly hot and sick. She, the woman who had patted her on the head patronisingly, who had sat with Jim for hours discussing upgrades to the Enterprise, who had smiled at her secretively when Joanna had inadvertently walked in on her and Jim kissing in her lab, was dead.

Jim was pale but his face was blank. He didn't put the woman down as he stepped off the pad. He was bleeding from a head wound, and was favouring his left arm but otherwise unharmed. She should have felt relieved, seeing him well. Instead she felt all dark and aching inside, like static electricity.

Then three things happened at once. Jim turned to order the security team to sickbay. A man – one she recognised as the wounded who'd been beamed onboard and moved to sickbay, appeared at the doors of the bay. And the transporter deck lit up again.

"Incoming." Chekov said loudly. Spock turned fluidly, aiming his phaser at the deck and the man at the doors without further preamble ran into the room. It took her a moment to realise he was carrying a knife. And another moment to realise he was heading not for the deck but straight at Jim.

"Jim!" She screamed his name in warning.

He turned just in time, dropping his load to the floor, and managed to dodge the knife as shots fired in the bay from the invading party that she paid little heed to. Jim fought hard and ruthlessly, his eyes hard with an expression she hadn't seen before. And just like that she realised exactly how dangerous her friend was. The Fallon was shouting, screaming, but she couldn't make sense of his words in the commotion and Jim made no response. Nevertheless, there was clearly no competition, and he had slammed his attacker against the wall in just moments, his hands around the man's neck. Just as quickly as it had all happened, it was silent again except for the short gasps as the Fallon choked. A glance told her that the invaders had been neutralised by Spock. Another glance told her that he wasn't going to step in. Chekov looked uncomfortable. Galloway, the head of security, looked grim. Spock looked emotionless. No one moved. They were just going to allow Jim to choke the man to death. She felt a wave of fear because she knew, she could see in his eyes, that Jim was going to kill him. And, no matter what the he'd done, the man didn't deserve that fate. Jim was a Starfleet captain. He was an adult. He was her friend. But she had to say something. Her dad would have.

She took all her courage. "Jim." Her voice shook and sounded weak in her ears. "Jim, you have to stop." Jim made no response. She moved closer, until she was at his side. The Fallon was convulsing, and she tried to ignore it. She fixed on his face and touched his arm. "Stop it Jim. You're killing him." Jim glanced at her, and she almost – almost – cringed from the expression in his eyes. But some unknown streak of bravery made her stare him down. "You're not a murderer. Stop it Jim."

She saw Jim swallow, as if shaking something off, then released the man, who collapsed to the floor. There was another second of silence. Then the universe restarted.

"Chekov, get those shields up. I don't want anyone else beaming onto my ship." Jim's voice was disturbingly normal.

"Yes Captain." She saw the relief on the small man's face as he went about his task. Chekov didn't like confrontation.

"Galloway, escort Miss McCoy back to the sickbay." Miss McCoy. She felt her heart suddenly sicken. Jim didn't even glance in her direction. He was angry with her.

"Yes sir." She felt Galloway's cool gaze on her face, as she tried to keep her rapidly beating heart calm. It occurred to her that Galloway was the head of security. He had better ways to spend his time then taking her back to her father. And that meant she was in serious trouble.

"The rest of you, lock up these." He paused, eyes glancing at the prone forms on the floor. "Get a medical team to look them over. And take care of the body." His eyes slid over the dead woman he'd dropped without comment but she didn't miss the look of pain flash through. His communicator wailed and he opened it without pause. "Kirk."

"Captain, the Tholians are charging weapons."

"Prepare to return fire. I'll be right there. Mister Spock." Just like that he was gone. And in the silence of the aftermath she realised that she might have just lost her only real friend.

"Joanna?" Galloway was looking at her patiently. She realised she'd been staring into the Jim-shaped space at the doors. She attempted to remove the reluctant look off her face. This mess was all her fault and none of his. She'd been on the ship three times now, but had never spoken to the head of security. He was fairly quiet, but she remembered that Christine had once said, whilst fixing him up, that he was a good man. She wasn't sure quite what that meant, especially since her dad didn't seem fond of him, but had heard rumours from the nurses that he was the only one, bar Jim, that could compete with Spock in the arena. Since she'd seen Spock fight, that counted for something.

She looked up at the man. It was a long way. He was massive. "It's alright. You don't have to take me. I know the way." She fixed him with her brightest look, the one adults always seemed to fall for. Right now the sickbay was the last place she wanted to be. All she wanted to do was go back to her dad's quarters and hide and contemplate how to make Jim not hate her.

The man smiled slightly. "I don't doubt it. However, I have orders."

"I suppose so." She recognised a lost cause when she saw it. Apparently there was no getting out of this one. At least not right now. "Well come on then." She walked briskly down the corridor. Galloway kept up with her easily, rather taking the edge of her attempted storming.

"Is it true that you can disarm a Klingon in thirty seconds?" She finally asked him to avoid the awful thoughts of Jim that were now clogging up her mind.

The man looked amused. "Who told you that one?"

"Sulu."

"Ah. Well, I've only done it once."

"Oh." She glanced at him thoughtfully. "Do you think you'd be able to do it again?"

"Perhaps, given the right circumstances."

"What circumstances?"

The man looked surprised by her question. "Well, if we're evenly matched, perhaps luck."

"Are you lucky?" She wondered if this was another man like Jim.

"No more than the next man. But I make sure both I and my officers work hard to make sure that the odds are usually tipped in our favour."

"Is that why you're so big?"

The man looked amused again. "Perhaps, although my mother always told me that eating vegetables made you grow. I always ate my vegetables."

"Oh." She made a mental note to beginning to eat a larger portion of vegetables a day. They clearly weren't working for her at the moment. "Do you have to be big to disarm a Klingon?"

He gave her a sidelong look. "You sure ask lots of questions. But no, height doesn't matter. Neither does strength, if I'm honest, although it helps as Klingons can sure pack a punch. No, what matters is what's up here." He tapped his head.

"Your brain?"

He nodded. "Most battles are won simply by outthinking your opponent – turning your advantages to their disadvantages."

"But what if there's no advantage?" She considered herself. She didn't have much going for her if someone had tried to hurt her like they had Jim.

"There always is – if you look. The captain knows all about that – he sees things most of us miss."

"Like today?" She fished, desperate in her need to know what had happened on that ship.

Galloway shrugged. "He worked out what was going on fast – so we could save most of the hostages."

"But not all." She thought about the dead woman.

Galloway shook his head. "No. That was beyond even the captain." There was no criticism in his voice. "He made the best of a bad situation." They rounded the corner to the sickbay. "And now we're here Miss McCoy."

"Joanna." She corrected him quickly. "I..." She decided how to phrase this. "Could I go in alone? Only I didn't exactly ask permission to go, and well... you're a bit more noticeable than me."

Galloway frowned his disapproval, making her feel, if possible, worse for her disobedience but nodded. "Alright."

She smiled in relief that she barely felt with the other heaviness in her chest. "Well, bye. Thanks for the escort. I'm sure you've got more important things to be doing now."

Galloway frowned. "The Captain has never requested a thing of me that hasn't been important." He pointed out. "I think the reason is obvious in this instance."

She frowned, her stomach tightening. So someone else had noticed that she was in big trouble with Jim. "Well thanks again." She managed to get out. Then she all but fled into the sickbay.

As expected her father was in surgery and hadn't noticed she had gone. The sickbay was heaving, every bay occupied, with those that could standing and waiting for attention. The walls still flashed red, suggesting whatever was going on still hadn't been resolved. She felt a subtle shake in the ship that suggested the Enterprise's shields were being assaulted by something. She felt sick inside. She never should have left here. She should have listened. But then, what if Jim would have died if no one had warned him? A morbid voice pointed out that he was as good as dead to her now anyway. He'd never want to be friends with her now, she'd seen it in his face. He was angry because she'd stopped him from killing that man, and now she doubted that it had been the right thing to do. She had no idea what was really going on. Lotoc would say that proper judgements cannot be made without sufficient information. But no – Jim couldn't kill him. He'd told her once that he only killed in self-defence and she didn't want him to be one of those others... Even if it cost her his friendship. Even then.

"Joanna!" Nurse Ogiri called her over, vainly trying to hold a woman down who was having some sort of seizure and thrashing on the bed. She helped hold her as Doctor Kuvolt joined them and administered a sedative. The episode was enough to jolt her out of her musings, and she helped out as best she could for the next few hours. She could bandage and assist fairly well by now, and when she wasn't needed she kept the patients company, sitting with them, comforting those that were conscious.

Hours passed. Her father was in surgery with a complicated injury, Chapel assisting, and all had become quiet in the sickbay. The anxiety that she had been feeling previously began to creep back, but with it came a feeling of exhaustion. It had been a long day. Part of her wished she could just go to sleep and pretend it had never happened. Maybe she was having a nightmare, and she'd wake up in her bed on the Enterprise and Jim wasn't angry and people weren't dead. She crept into her dad's office and then paused. Lying on the bed was the Fallon woman Jim had carried aboard. She was just as still as she had been before, but without all the drama she seemed... different. The wounds were more stark against the paleness of her skin. Her eyelashes were long, her face calm, like she was only sleeping. If Joanna hadn't known better she might have believed it too. She'd been so different before, so full of life. She remembered her laughing at something Jim said, typing things into her computer. In the eerie quiet she realised she'd stopped breathing. She forced herself to take a deep breath. She instinctively wanted to flee, but that wasn't brave at all, and she wanted to be brave, just like the Girl with the Red Balloon. She was only dead. Dead people can't hurt you. She crept closer, examining her body, forcing herself to look for clues to how she'd died, to see everything.

She was filthy, bloody, and beautiful. There was a large wound to the chest suggesting she'd been hit with a phaser blast, and there were cuts and bruises to her hands and face. Maybe she'd been in a fight? She touched her hand, and recoiled quickly, surprised at how cold she was. She steeled herself and touched her again, stroking her hand, wiping away the dirt. She noticed there was something clasped in her other palm, her fingers wrapped tightly around it. Curiosity got the better of her, and she attempted to open her fingers – to no avail. Her fingers were stiff, rigor just setting in. She could just see inside – it was small, smooth and black but unreachable. And then Joanna started to feel guilty. This wasn't how you were supposed to treat the dead. She remembered Jim's face – the raw grief, and knew he'd be angry if he saw her examining her like this. Her secrets would be discovered by her dad when he autopsied. She didn't deserve to know them. She turned away and poured warm water into a bowl, then found a clean cloth. Her hand shook when she began to wipe away the dirt, but she forced herself. She wasn't sure how long passed, but her movements became more confident, and a strange peace crept over her. She gently washed the Fallon's hair, combing it with her fingers until it shone as it once had, then moved on to the rest of her body.

"Joanna?" She felt her father's presence at the door some time later, but didn't look up, absorbed in what she was doing. "Joanna, what are you doing?" His voice was soft, worried, and she felt him near.

"Just cleaning her, Dad. She was dirty."

She felt him pause, then draw near. "You don't have to do that, sweetheart." He put a hand on her shoulder, and for some reason she felt tears come to her eyes.

"I do." She put the woman's hands on her stomach, neatly crossed the same way she'd seen in pictures. It wasn't particularly easy because she was so stiff and she grappled with her for a moment. "She's dead, and Jim is upset, dad. They were..." She tried to find the words. "I don't know. Did Jim love her?"

Her dad took the cloth from her hands, now shaking again, and sat her down in his chair. "Jim cared for her." He said simply. He looked exhausted, but after giving her a long look he took her cloth and water, and turned back to finish the job she'd started.

"Why did she die?" She asked, her voice once again calm as she watched her dad's fluid actions.

"She was shot in the chest."

"Yes, but why?"

Her father sighed. "I don't know. I damn well don't know the half of it." His voice was dark and angry, and she wasn't sure she was brave enough to ask more.

"There's something in her hand." She pointed out as she saw her dad examining her closer.

"I see that."

"Can you get it out?"

"Not without breaking her fingers. I'll remove it in a few hours after the rigidity has passed." He must have realised who he was talking to, because he stiffened. "I'm sorry, love. You shouldn't be seeing this."

"It's okay, Dad. I'm going to be a nurse. Don't nurses help look after the dead?"

Her father looked grim. "You're not a nurse yet. Hell, you're ten years old."

She smiled slightly. "Yep, but I'm mature for my age."

"Unfortunately for me." Her dad muttered, face taking on a pensive look. "Maybe I should stop you coming here."

She felt panicked. "No. Please don't. I love the Enterprise. I _love_ it." It was the only thing she looked forward to, her trips here. She couldn't bear it if she wasn't allowed to come here anymore. Her dad said nothing, but she could sense he was unconvinced. He pulled down a light from the ceiling to examine the body more closely and eventually became absorbed in his work, making notes on a PADD next to him.

"Is Jim alright?" She asked softly as she watched him.

"I haven't seen him yet. That suggests he's still standing."

"They were shooting at the ship – I could feel it."

"There's always someone shooting at our ship. Nothing new there."

"Who are they?"

"Slavers." His voice was tight.

"They captured them to be slaves? Slaves for who?"

"The scum of the damned universe. People that I hope you'll never meet, Joanna."

She tried to imagine people who wanted to own slaves – who could sit by and work someone to death, or worse like her dad had said. She struggled to create an image. Eventually she felt her eyes closing, exhaustion catching up with her as she was lulled by the whir of her dad's scanner. She was awoken what felt like moments later, with him gently shaking her awake.

"Let's put you to bed." He murmured.

She must have slept-walked to their quarters, because the next moment her dad was tucking her in and kissing her forehead. "I'll be right outside." Then sleep took her.

Voices woke her again, later – her father's voice and one she knew just as well. Jim.

"You damn well should have come here sooner. What the hell were you thinking?" Her dad sounded angry.

"I was busy, Bones." Jim sounded wearily amused. She could hear her dad's scanner. She crept out of bed and glanced through the crack in the door.

"You're an idiot. What the hell were you trying to prove? How long you could keep standing for? Well that's damned admirable." Jim was sat in a chair, shirt off, as her dad examined him. He had a large open wound to his shoulder that was leaving a bloody trail down his arm.

Jim chuckled but didn't sound amused at all. "Don't hold back. What was I meant to do? Ask the Tellarites to stop shooting us so that you could patch me up? I can see that going down well."  
>"Don't tell me Spock couldn't have managed things. We felt the shots. Why didn't you end it quickly?"<p>

"I wanted them in one piece."

"To hell with that. It was personal and you know it."

"That's enough." Jim's voice was sharp and there was silence between the pair of them. Eventually he stopped his friend from continuing his work, his voice softer. "Let it scar, Bones."

Her dad looked exasperated. "Damn it, Jim – you have nothing to prove. You don't have to keep every one. How many times do I have to say it?"

His friend's face tightened. "Yes. I do."

Her father frowned, but she could see his face soften. "The scar won't bring her back."

"You think I don't know that?" Jim's voice was harsh.

"Jim-."

"I need my scars. I need my pain. I can't forget the cost, Bones. I can't."

Her father sighed and sat down next to him. "This wasn't your fault."

"She jumped across me – stopped a shot to the head. Of course it's my fault."

"She chose."

"That's what's worse. She chose me – Bones. Me. What sort of idiot woman chooses me?"

"One that cared about you."

Jim shook his head. "I left – and she was angry with me. She had every right to be." He wiped his face. "I always thought if they're angry they wouldn't do stupid things for me. They have no right dying for me. I don't want it – don't want their blood on my hands."

Her father sighed and moved to pour him a drink. "Jim you can't control everything. If you let them close you run the risk of them caring. That's how it goes. You're not as much of a villain as you think you are."

The captain put his head in his hands and she felt something wrench across her heart. She'd never seen Jim like this – never. "Her husband came at me with a knife. I almost killed him, Bones." His voice was soft, horrified.

Her dad nursed his drink, his face non-judgemental. "Tell me what was happening on that ship, Jim. I've seen slaves – and they damn well weren't being used as slaves."

"Biologicals. They were testing biological weapons on them."  
>"Damn." Her father looked sick. "You're sure?"<p>

"Yes. She told me her husband had planned it all – arranged it with the Tellarites that if he gave them a proportion of the population on the ship the Tellarites would share the technology with them. Only the proportion the Tellarites wanted was larger than planned."

"Hell." Her dad looked grim. "No wonder you wanted to kill him. How many died?"

"More than half the population of the ship – six hundred or so. Including his wife..."

Her father shook his head. "The weapons?"

"Spock and Chekov are destroying them as we speak. We've set up a quarantine."

"Hell. Well this changes everything. We'll need to quarantine the ship too. I'd better make sure my notes are in order – Starfleet are going to want to see all the evidence and some of the wounds... well Chapel is working on modifying some of our hyposprays but we might need to make some more changes."

He stood, then frowned. "Joanna..." She jumped, and then realised with relief his comment wasn't being aimed at her. "Damn – I have Joanna in the other room. I don't want to leave her alone – she spent the last few hours with the body." Jim looked up sharply and Joanna held her breath as her dad shook his head. "Got it into her head to clean her up. What the hell am I going to do with her, Jim? I can't let her out of my sight for five minutes." He sighed and she felt a sinking feeling. She was glad that her dad didn't know she'd sneaked out of sickbay. She hoped Jim wasn't going to be even angrier with her. His face was unreadable.

"I'll watch her."He finally offered.

Her father looked relieved. "Thanks. Get some rest before Spock comes and pesters you." He moved out of the room, then paused and turned back. "Your... well she had this in her hand, Jim." He passed him something, but she couldn't make out what it was.

Jim's face because stonier but he said nothing. The door slid shut behind her dad. Jim remained motionless for a long time. She felt her heart ache for him, but didn't know how to make things better. Did he hate her? Was he still angry? She decided she probably wasn't brave enough to find out. Instead she crept back to bed, and sleep took her again.

She was running, her feet loud in the corridors. She could hear the pants of the man behind her growing closer, and fear, real sickening fear, tightened in her chest. He was going to catch her, of this she knew for certainty. She tried to find somewhere to hide. Use your brain, she told herself. But her mind wasn't responding to logic right now, only terror in the dim light of the red alert. She turned a corridor and found a dead-end. No. It couldn't be. She turned on the spot but there was nothing to see. Her pursuer slowed. She could hear his steps, his slow breaths, like he knew that she had nowhere to go, like he was enjoying this. Almost in response to this thought she heard a laugh, deep and reverberating, echoing across the silent halls of the Enterprise. Joanna had a very good imagination – sometimes too good, and right then several methods of death went through her childish mind. Terror stilled her, stopped her breathing as the footsteps also stopped. She shut her eyes. A hand grabbed her arm and she screamed. Then a shot rang out and the hand went limp, dragging her down with it. Her eyes shot open and she scrambled away from the body and around the corner in the gloom. There was Jim, standing with his phaser, looking at the body of the her attacker dispassionately.

"Jim!" Her voice formed the word but regretted it when he looked up at her with anger in his eyes.

"What do you think you are doing?" And she didn't know. She didn't know why she was running, or why she was here, or why... anything.

"Jim..." He turned away from her and she felt scared again, but for another reason entirely. He was leaving her. He couldn't leave.

"Jim? Jim where are you going?" He didn't answer. "Jim, we're friends, aren't we?"

He turned back to her, a mocking smile on his face. "Friends? You are a child, Joanna. How could you and I truly be friends?"

It was as she feared. As she always had feared. "But Jim-."

"Just leave me alone, Joanna. You've done enough."

"Jim." But he disappeared, and she was left in the darkness. He didn't want her. He'd never wanted her. Something inside of her, something very fragile, broke. And she wept.

"Joanna?" She felt something shaking her, but kept her eyes shut, desperate in her own misery. "Joanna, wake up."

Wake up. The words reverberated around her mind, commanding her into obedience. Wake up. She opened her eyes slowly. There was wetness down her face. She was still crying, and with the pain in her chest she wasn't sure she could stop.

"It's alright, Sassy. Don't cry. It's alright." Then she recognised the voice. Jim. Jim was here. She cried harder, confusion crowding her mind. "It was just a dream, Joanna. Just a dream." Just a dream? Her panic eased slightly.

She felt Jim pick her up, still in her blankets, and carry her into the dimly lit main room. He placed her on the sofa, then sat down next to her, giving her an uncomfortable look. She suddenly remembered why he might be so uncomfortable – that he hated her. That they weren't friends anymore. It hadn't been a dream at all. And that brought the tears back again.

"It's okay, Joanna. Please don't cry." He produced a handkerchief out of the air but kept his distance as he handed it to her. She attempted to stop herself – aware that she was making things worse for herself. She wasn't a big crier. Sometimes she felt she'd cried all her tears out when she was a little kid, and there wasn't much left. Apparently this disproved that theory.

"Sorry." She muttered, her voice shaking as she attempted to somehow still all the emotion flooding out of her. She promised herself that she would start paying more attention to Lotoc's sermons on emotional control. Jim was going to hate her more if she kept this up.

"It's not your fault, kid. I really don't like tears."

"Don't call me kid."

He smiled at her, that bright smile, and suddenly everything seemed better. "Alright Sassy."

She took some deep breaths, her curiosity aroused. "Why do you hate tears?"

"Well it means a person is sad, and I don't like that."

"But can't you cry when you're happy too?"

"Maybe. I don't see that very often though. I'd much rather see someone laugh than cry." He smiled at her again and wiped the tears from her face, understanding in his eyes. "Nightmare?" She nodded, watching him carefully for signs of resentment. "Want to talk about it?"

"No." She shook her head vehemently. They sat in silence for a moment. She forced herself to break it, to try and make things right. "I'm sorry about your friend."

Jim nodded, face darkening slightly. "I am too." He exhaled slowly. "She was a good person. She deserved better."

"Was she..? Did she..?" She wasn't sure how to phrase the question. She wasn't even sure what she was asking. She took a deep breath and tried again. "I'm sorry about earlier."

Confusion clouded his eyes and that made her nervous. "Earlier?"

The words seemed to rush out from her in one breath. "I didn't mean to... interfere Jim. I didn't mean to make you angry. I just... I didn't want to see you kill him. You don't kill people. You're Jim. Only I still want to be friends and I'm sorry, honestly I am."

Jim was silent for a long moment. Then he exhaled heavily and gave her a long look. "You thought I was angry with you?"

She felt confused. "Aren't you?"

"No, of course not!" He looked tired. "I'm sorry if I gave that impression, Sassy. I didn't mean to."

"You're not angry with me? You're sure?" She didn't think she'd ever been so relieved.

"Pretty sure."

She thought about the way he'd acted. "But-."

"I was angry at myself. I almost killed someone, Joanna. I lost control."

She frowned at him. It was true – she'd never seen Jim act like that before. "Why? What did he do?" She had an idea from earlier but didn't really understand.

He raised an eyebrow. "You mean other than trying to kill me?"

"Yep. Dad says there's always someone trying to kill you."

"That's probably true." He smiled slightly. "Well, he helped the Tellarites kill lots of his people."

"Why?"

"Because he was greedy. And delusional."

"So you were angry because of that. That makes sense." She gave him a thoughtful look. "Maybe he would have deserved to die?" He'd killed lots of people after all.

Jim shook his head. "No, he didn't deserve that. There's a reason why we have a justice system, Joanna."

"But if he did that... He was a bad man Jim."

"And I would be no better – not if I killed him. I would have if you hadn't been there."

She frowned. "I don't believe you." She declared firmly. "And if you had – well he attacked you. He was a bad man. You rescued his people."

"Not his wife." His voice became quiet again.

"Did you love her?" She felt her heart sadden for him.

"I... Well I admired her very much."

She considered this. "Did her husband not love her either?"

Jim looked at her sharply. "Why would you say that?"

"Well, dad would never let Christine get hurt or killed. And Christine wouldn't fall in love with someone else."

Jim said nothing for a while. "Joanna, I can't say I know much on the subject, but I do know that even if you love someone, you can't always protect them. And no matter how much you love someone, you can't make them love you back. But for the record, no, he didn't love her."

He looked at his hands and she realised how tired he looked. And how sad. "I've kept you up too long, Sassy. You should go back to bed." He said finally.

"No - I can't." She wasn't lying. The thought to sleep made her feel ill right now. So did the idea of leaving him. "Will you tell me a story?"

"What about?"

"The Girl with the Red Balloon?"

He paused for a moment and she thought he might say no. "Alright." She smiled and laid her head on his arm in preparation. "One day the girl was asked to do something very difficult. Something that she really didn't want to do, and that others would disapprove of."

"What was it?"

Jim frowned. "I'm not sure. What do you think?"

"Maybe dancing? That's hard and I'd never want to do that."

Jim smiled at her. "Alright then – she was given some difficult... dancing to do, and she really didn't want to do it. She knew if she did this dancing that she might risk losing her friend."

"Why?"

"Well... her friend didn't like dancing. He didn't want her to learn something that he thought was pointless. And if she did it, she'd spend less time with him."

"Did she have lots of other friends?" She asked thoughtfully. Maybe someone with lots of friends wouldn't miss losing one friend, though she couldn't really imagine it.

"Yes, the Girl had lots of friends. But he was her best friend, and she would have missed him a great deal. He told her that if she started dancing, they couldn't be friends anymore. Now the girl considered not doing it. After all, she didn't like dancing at all. However, the problem was that she'd promised her mother that she'd take it up – and the Girl always kept her promises."

Joanna considered this conundrum. "Why did her mom want her to do it? It's a stupid thing to make someone promise." She declared.

"Well, you can't put a price on what's important to someone. There was a good reason why her mum made her promise – she knew the potential that the Girl had, and that she'd regret it if she didn't learn. However, because of it, she had a hard decision to make – break a promise, or lose a friend."

"What did she do?"

"Well, the girl was clever. She knew that talking was important, so she tried to explain it to her friend. But he wouldn't listen."  
>"He doesn't sound like a very good friend."<br>"Well, people don't always do sensible things when they're upset."

"Like my dad?" She considered his general bad moods.

Jim grinned. "Exactly. So the girl tried to think of other ways to get out of her promise. Perhaps she'd only attend one lesson, then give it up, or ask someone to take her place. However, to dance was a commitment, and no one could take her place. So, finally she made a decision. She decided that the promise she'd made to her mother was important – even if it meant losing her friend. She'd have to keep it. So she started dancing."

"What happened? With her friend?"

"Well he was still angry at her, and she was upset by his lack of understanding, but they missed each other. However, neither of them knew how to make it right."  
>"That's just stupid – why wouldn't they just talk to each other?"<p>

Jim shrugged. "It's not always easy, admitting you miss someone. Especially when you're not sure that they're missing you back. So they avoided each other until one particular day. That day, some bad people who didn't like the Girl or her family, had come to their house and set it on fire. They'd deactivated the sprinklers and the fire drones, and put the house on lock-down so that they couldn't get out."

"But why? Why would they do that?"

"Why doesn't matter. What matters is that the boy had seen the smoke from far away, and something in him just knew it was at his friend's house. He shouted for help and ran all the way there."  
>"What happened? Did anyone get hurt?"<p>

"Thankfully he was just in time. He hacked open the doors, and was able to get her to safety. He was so relieved he forgot that he was supposed to be angry at him, and she was so grateful, that she forgot too. They became friends, and never fell out again. The end."

He fell abruptly silent and she leaned against him and enjoyed the comfort of someone close, who wasn't angry at her after all. She thought through the story.

"Jim?"

"Yes?"

"Would you forgive me if I took up dancing?"

He chuckled. "Well, I'm not sure about that..."

"Even if I explained?"

"Well, maybe then... Maybe..." He frowned, and something passed across his face.

"What's wrong?" She asked him, the look scaring her.

"Nothing. It doesn't matter."  
>"It does." She insisted.<p>

He sighed. "It doesn't, not really. Only sometimes... well sometimes I wonder who exactly I am meant to be, Joanna."

She thought this through, and considered the new side of Jim she'd seen today. "I don't know. Maybe you're exactly who you're meant to be?"

"Maybe. Maybe I'm not. What if there are other universes, Joanna, and other Jim's? What if they're all different, and I'm the wrong one?"

"You'd never be the wrong one." She pointed out. "You'd be the special one."

He wrapped an arm around her and hugged her, but it seemed sad. "I don't know how you can think well of me, Joanna."

"Because you're you." It made total sense to her. She tried to take the sadness from his face, tried to show him that she did understand. "Sometimes I wonder who I'm meant to be too. My mom wants one thing, and my dad something else, and my teachers... Well maybe I'll find out. Maybe we'll go on an adventure and find out who we're supposed to be."

"An adventure?" Jim looked amused.

"Sure. That's what they do in stories. They go on adventures and fight dragons and find out who they're actually princesses or magicians or something."

"I see." Jim smiled. "Well, I do like a good dragon."

"Me too." She returned his smile. "Maybe we'll find out who we are, like in the stories." She could imagine their adventures in her head. "Maybe we'll find each other."

She felt Jim start next to her so hard she wondered what she'd done wrong. "Joanna, why did you-."

He was interrupted when her father walked back through the door. He glanced between the both with a scowl, but it was tempered with weariness.

"She couldn't sleep, Bones." Jim said by way of explanation as he stood. "I was telling her a story." He made no mention of her nightmare, which relieved her. She didn't want her dad to stop her coming on the Enterprise, and he probably would if he knew. Her dad nodded, apparently placated. Jim glanced at her with a look she didn't have time to decipher, then stretched. "I'd better go. There's been no sign of Spock which probably isn't a good thing. Everything quiet your end?"

"We're coping. Chapel has it under control."

"And the survivors?"

"We've lost a few – they were too far gone to save." Her father wiped his face and she could see what it cost him. He blamed himself for everything, her dad. "The rest – well if they've made it to now they'll make it through the night."

"Good. Get some sleep, Bones. You look like hell."

"Well, you'll not be winning any hearts right now yourself." He retorted softly. "No more drama, Jim. You'd better not be opening up that wound - I'll be damned if I'm cleaning you up twice in one day."

"I'll do my best."

"You do that." Jim clapped him on the shoulder, gave Joanna a fleeting smile, and disappeared through the door.

It was the nine days before she saw him again. The Federation took Quarantine seriously, and though she was due back at school, she was 'forced' to remain on the ship. Since they were effectively motionless and assignment-less in space Jim called a temporary holiday for the crew. Given the nature of their previous assignment, and the fact that the Fallon were still aboard, the spirits of the ship was somewhat dulled. She spent her mornings in sickbay, talking to the survivors or practicing her suturing, and the afternoons exploring the ship. Through this enforced incarceration she got to know the crew like never before – not just the nurses that she worked with, but the engineers, and the security teams and the science staff. It was Spock who had a hand in this. On her second day of the 'holiday' he found in the engine room, her head under one of the turbines. She had been intrigued by a strange sound that seemed to emanate from underneath, and had found Khan trapped amongst the wiring. Her cat had been rather unimpressed with his predicament but since she knew he couldn't have been there long (he'd turned up in her quarters petulantly mewling for food only that morning, despite the fact she knew that Jim fed him well) she wasn't particularly sympathetic. She was even less sympathetic when, after releasing him, she found herself trapped. Khan, unhelpfully, made himself scarce after a moment spent watching her struggle, tail twitching. After spending some minutes trying to free herself, she'd laid there and wondered how she was going to get out – or how long she would have to lay there before someone thought to look for her.

Thankfully it wasn't long before she heard footsteps. "Joanna McCoy?" She recognised the voice.

"Commander Spock."

"You appear to be in difficulty."

She rolled her eyes. Obviously. "I'm trapped."

"You did not plan for an exit in addition to an entrance?"

"Well, I'd assumed that if I could get in I'd be able to get out."

"An oversight."

She frowned. "How did you find me? I thought that people didn't come in here very often."

"You are mistaken – the valves are checked at 0800 and 2000 every day, and the security team make a lap of the area once daily, usually around 1300." She was beginning to understand why her dad got irritated. Thankfully she was now far too used to Vulcan logic to react. "However, you are correct insofar as I do not make it common practice to visit the area. I was alerted that there may be a problem by the feline."

Khan. Thank goodness. "You speak cat?"

She had the feeling the Vulcan was amused. "No - the species do not 'speak', as you are alluding to. However, that are apt in expressing thought via action that a keen intellect might be able to decipher."

"And you did." She wondered if he'd teach her that.

"Indeed." He paused and she looked up at the metalwork above her.

"Are you going to help me?" She asked him finally in his own language, her accent slightly marred by irritation.

"Of course." He had her out in moments and assisted her to her feet. "You speak my language well." He added finally as she dusted herself off.

"Well, everyone speaks it at school." She explained. "I'm already at a disadvantage there so I thought I'd learn." She'd picked it up with surprising ease – the immersive environment helping. Her classmates had all initially spoken Vulcan around her as a method of exclusion – they hadn't realised that it would only fuel her determination to learn further. She was fairly sure she'd come up with some insults that had never before been used in that language before.

"A disadvantage?" Spock looked at her expressionlessly. "Perhaps. Do you find your memory insufficient to keep up with your classmates?"

She'd forgotten he knew about her memory. "No – it's my intellect that's the problem." According to Lotoc and her other teachers anyway.

Spock raised an eyebrow but she wasn't entirely sure what they meant. "You are due back at school tomorrow, are you not?"

"Yep, but I'm not going to get there now." She felt hopeful. "Maybe not for weeks."

"Is your father not concerned about the detriment that may be to your education?"

"Dad? Well he's a bit busy at the moment." He had barely left the sickbay in days. She'd slept at Christine's for the last two nights while they worked on some new treatments for their patients.

"Indeed." He nodded curtly. "Well, given the circumstances, I believe that an educational programme may be arranged."

"I don't really need that..." She began with a sinking heart.

"Indeed – I see that your time is being put to good use currently."

She frowned. "I'm exploring."

"That is admirable. However, perhaps you will allow me to aid you in such an endeavour."

"How?"

"Well, perhaps Lieutenant Scott might spare some time to help you 'explore'. Lieutenant Uhura may also be able to teach you if you so desired."

She felt her mind fill with her hidden plans for adventure. "Klingon?"

"You wish to learn their language?" He raised an eyebrow.

"Yes." She didn't have to explain to him thankfully.

"Very well. The Lieutenant is proficient in the language."

"And you?"

"I am acquainted with it, yes. However-."

"No, I meant are you going to teach me?"

"You have not had your fill of Vulcan teachers?"

She smiled at him. "Not ones that do what you do."

"I see. Very well. I will establish a timetable and consult your father."  
>That began her education on the Enterprise. She had no idea it would fill her summers until she was sixteen years old. It started with just Spock and Uhura and first, with Scott chipping in once he realised just how bad her physics really was, but the enforced free time soon many on the ship were volunteering for an opportunity to teach the CMO's daughter. Thankfully despite Spock's aims, she was not in the least bit picky about what she learnt, and so in addition to her Klingon verbs, she quickly became proficient at tongo (at which she was quick to prove she had more than just beginner's luck), identification of every alcoholic substance known to Humans by smell, building communications devices, growing vegetables in synthetic terrain, the identification of the 150 most commonly used evasive manoeuvres, and many other useful and underappreciated subjects. In addition to her mornings in the sickbay her time was full and for nine days she learnt more and had more fun than any other time in her life. However, someone was very obviously missing from all of this.<p>

Jim. She hadn't seen him since that night in her quarters. If she hadn't known better she might have thought he was avoiding her. However, she knew he was busy, perhaps even more than her father, with the situation the ship had found itself in. Part of her wanted to go and knock at his door, to check he was alright, but when she mentioned this to her father he dissuaded her. Therefore it took nine days, until she was about to leave in fact, before she saw him again.

She was sitting on the floor of her quarters playing with Khan, who for some reason in a kittenish mood - perhaps trying to cheer her up because she was leaving. The quarantine had been lifted hours before and she knew that would mean she'd have to return to school tomorrow. She didn't want to go. She'd learn more here – of that she was certain. She was in the process of coming up with a plan to stay aboard (perhaps stowing away and hoping for a deep space mission) when the door buzzed.

"Jim!"

"Hello Sassy." He smiled at her and ran a hand through his hair.

"Dad's not here. He's still in the sickbay."

"I know. I came to talk to you." She felt that happiness she always felt when he was near bubble up inside her. Then she remembered her manners. "Come in." She moved out of the way and allowed him space.

"So that's where he got to." Jim commented after seating himself on the sofa and frowning at a now angry Khan. "I'll admit, I was enjoying not being hissed at."

Joanna frowned, suddenly worried. "Do you still want to keep him? I know that he's-."

Jim laughed. "Of course, Joanna. He's fine here – keeps me on my toes. Besides, I've been training him."

"Training him?" She was curious – mostly because she couldn't imagine her grumpy cat managing to learn anything he didn't want to.

"That's right. Khan is now the Enterprise's last line of defence – my secret weapon."

She glanced at her cat sceptically. "What does he do exactly?"

"It's a secret. Pray I never have to use it."

She considered this. "Well, Khan's clever. I suppose he would do what he could to protect the ship."

"He's certainly something. Anyway, I wanted to give you something before you go."

"Give me something?" She was surprised.

"Yep." He passed her a box. "Open it."

Joanna studied the shape in front of her, then gently opened the box. Inside was a black stone attached to a thin chain. She lifted it to examine it closely. She'd never seen a stone quite like it. It was deep – if that was a word you could use for a stone – almost like the surface was glass and you were looking into something... Some sort of darkness so complete there would be no way out.

"Do you like it?" Jim's voice was quiet.

She swallowed and nodded, not taking her eyes from it. "Was this... was this what she was-?"

"Yes." So this was the dark object the dead woman had been holding. The questions she wanted to ask suddenly seemed insurmountable.

"Why did she keep it?"

Jim shrugged. "It was important to her."

"Why?"

"I don't know."

"But don't... don't you want it? Or the Fallon – don't they want it?"

"No. The Fallon believe it is mine. And I am giving it to you."

"Why?"

Jim smiled at her. "It's special."

"Special?"

"Yep. The Fallon call the stones 'It-ora'. It means dream stone. They believe it absorbs nightmares."

Joanna looked at the stone hopefully, understanding. "Do you think it will?"

"I'm not sure but I let Spock have a look at it. It has some interesting properties."  
>"Like what?"<p>

"Well it seems to respond to certain frequencies of radiation. Spock says it may well have other abilities too..." He broke off, his face clouding, then clearing. "At any rate, someone needs to discover its secrets."

"You think I can?"

"Why not?"

"But Jim – if this was important to her... don't you want to keep it? Won't you be reminded every time you see it of... of what happened?"

His mouth tightened, but then he was grinning at her. "Don't be silly, Sassy. It's just a stone. I never even saw her with it – I had it made into a necklace for you. I need someone to look after it for me. Now let me put it on you."

She could feel herself treading on some unknown ice despite his smile, so she obediently turned around and he slipped it around her neck. The stone felt warm against her skin, and right somehow. She looked down at it.

"It's lovely." She turned and impulsively hugged him. "Thank you."

He ran a hand down her hair. "You're welcome." He sounded oddly relieved. "You'll wear it?"

"I won't take it off." She assured him fervently. "I promise."

His arms tightened around her. "That, Joanna, is good enough for me."

_A/N – Two very important chapters coming up. The song for the next chapter is When You Find Me by Joshua Radin. Thanks for reading._


	23. The Third Warning

22. The Third Warning

_A/N – Hi everyone. I hope you're all as excited about the new Star Trek movie as I am. More material to work with! And on that note, this is an important chapter – although not as long as some of the others. Let's resolve that annoying cliff-hanger shall we? Thanks for reading._

Stardate: 2269

Jim: Aged 36

Joanna: Aged 20

Something is said, it sits in my head

It's been there too long, it's killing me slow;

It's rolling around, it's pushing me down,

It's keeping the good part of me closed;

Can't you see that when I find you, I'll find me.

_When You Find Me – Joshua Radin_

"Insufficient facts always invite danger." – _Spock, Space Seeds TOS_

The first thing he was aware of was the sound of scratching, slow and regular like a heartbeat. He drifted for a while, listening. Then he became aware of the pain in his chest, that dull throb. He moved to rub it, only to realise that his hands were tied down. That pulled his mind from the darkness, and instantly he remembered. Joanna... He opened his eyes quickly. He recognised the hold of the T'Plana Hath, the lights overhead. He was tied to a chair. The scratching was coming from beside him, and a quick glance told him that the Hy'Lar was doing his best to get free. The Mazarite looked in a bad way – his face was bruised and bleeding, his clothing torn. He clearly hadn't gone down without a fight. Jim felt an increased respect for the man. He glanced around the rest of the room. No one else was present.

"How long?" His voice came out as a croak.

The Mazarite glanced at him. "Four of your Earth hours." So long? Oh hell. "Joanna?" He sounded concerned. He had every reason to be.

"She... fell." Jumped? She must have known. How had she known? But that was a long way to fall, even for her. And four hours... Four hours was a long time. That water would be freezing. He felt something wrench in his chest and looked up into Hy'Lar's eyes. Clearly he could read his thoughts loud and clear. "We need to go and get her."

The being nodded calmly. "They are armed."

"How many?"

"Six that I have identified. One Tholian, the rest Tzenkethi." Tzenkethi. He knew all about Tzenkethi. Add a few more of them, and it might even be a fair fight. They were going to regret that they hadn't bolted his chair to the floor.

"Are you free?"

"Almost."

"Good." He was not losing Joanna now. Not like this. "I'll be the distraction, shall I?"

"As you wish."

Jim smiled grimly to himself. He did wish. "Hey." He shouted loudly. "Hey – is anyone there?" The Tzenkethi entered looking... well Tzenkethi. The beings weren't known for their facial expressions. Jim wasn't even sure whether their faces could move. "You know, I appreciated the rescue and all, but really, you didn't have to stun me." It was easy to act the part. He'd played the idiot many times before.

The being tilted his head. "Were you alone?"

Jim frowned at him and lied easily. "Obviously. Do you think anyone wanted to stay down there? What the hell was that anyway? They promise me I'll be out of here on one of those ships today and then suddenly there's a tidal wave?"

"Indeed. Wait here."

"Well I can hardly go anywhere."

The Tzenkethi disappeared, then reappeared moments later with two others in tow. Well that was fine. Draw them out of the cockpit – he wouldn't want anyone to overload the consoles with a stray shot after all.

"What were you doing on the surface?" One of them demanded.

"What did it look like I was doing? Escaping!"

"You were working on the ships?"

"Obviously." He indicated to the borrowed uniform he was still wearing.

"Then what precipitated your escape?"

"Well let's put it like this – I've been around long enough to know that when your boss pays you like I was paid he's covering something up. I thought I'd better find my own way out of here."  
>"And hence this ship. You know the Mazarite?"<p>

"Not personally. I paid him to come get me."

"In a Vulcan ship?"

"Well you'll have to ask him about that. I didn't care what the ship was, as long as it could get me out of there."

The Tzenkethi regarded him for a moment. "I am intrigued. You seem to be awfully forthcoming with answers. And yet your pilot here has said nothing. Why is that?"

Jim shrugged. "No idea. But I know how to stay alive, and when someone ties you up and asks you questions, I'm not stupid enough not to answer."

"Perhaps. The leaders have requested any survivors be brought in. I feel that your answers might modify under their scrutiny."

"And how much would it cost me for you to just lose me in an emergency pod?" Jim suggested. "You can keep the ship of course. And the Mazarite."

"Unfortunately more than you are worth. We fight for bigger reasons."

Jim shrugged. "A pity. But this doesn't look like fighting to me. Don't get me wrong, I've worked on the ships and all – clearly there's going to be one hell of a war. But I'm assuming there aren't many who made it to the surface, like me. And that shouts cover up. So answer me this - if the bosses are willing to kill all of us, where exactly does that leave you after you've finished your clean-up?" The Tzenkethi regarded each other, and Jim knew he'd hit a nerve. Apparently their lives hang in the balance as much as his did.

"Perhaps..." The Tzenkethi began. "Perhaps we should tell them we found no one."

"That's more like it." He grinned.

"Perhaps we should just kill him." Or not. Damn.

Thankfully the Mazarite finally made it through his binding at exactly the correct moment. One of the Tzenkethi ran at Hy'Lar and Jim managed to half-stand and swing around, knocking him down. Hy'Lar threw himself at the other, while the one left decided that using his phaser was a good idea. Unfortunately being tied to a chair didn't give him much manoeuvrability, and he had to throw himself to the floor to avoid a hole in his chest. He cut the straps into his hands to allow him to move onto his knees and back up which gave him the element of surprise, and he managed to floor his attacker by literally throwing himself at him. His lack of hands was problematic, especially when the being fastened his hands around his neck. Desperation made him force his shoulder in the man's throat, throwing his weight behind it. Eventually his grip loosened and went limp.

Hy'Lar moved next to him and pulled him back upright, glancing at the fallen man unconcerned. Jim, once again, wondered who exactly the Mazarite was – especially when he stunned them again and tied them up in a matter of seconds. He met Jim's eyes but made no comment, instead producing a knife and unbinding him.

Later, Jim decided, he would ask about that. Right now he needed to get Joanna. He picked up a phaser from the fallen man and moved towards the flightdeck, Hy'Lar hot on his heels. Honestly, it didn't take long to take back the ship from the remaining two beings. They had the element of surprise, phasers, and frankly, knew how to use them. Hy'Lar moved the bodies as he plotted a course back to Omicron. His heart sank when he saw the number of ships still circulating the planet. He did not want to be target practice.

"Can you do it?" The Mazarite seated himself next to him and viewed the scanners with a frown.

"Yes." Jim nodded, sure in his ability. "But we'll have to take an elliptical route – if we get their attention we won't make it back out of the system."

"I understand. How do I raise the shields?"

Jim showed him with a frown. "That was an oversight on my part. It might have prevented this mess."

Hy'Lar shook his head. "They would have shot me down otherwise. Better this way, with the ship intact, and a warning to Joanna."

"You sent her a warning?"

"In the lights."

That made sense. "She dropped into the ocean when she saw it." He kept the worry from his voice, but then realised the being could probably sense it anyway. "We were very high. And the water temperature will be below zero."

The man face echoed his fears. "We must find her."

Jim brought them around and back towards the planet. Hy'Lar swore under his breath when he saw the starships. "How many?"

"Too many." At least two hundred – and he could see others on the edge of his scanning field, leaving the system before going to warp. Where they were going was a disturbing thought. Jim needed to contact Starfleet Command and warn them.

He kept a wide berth of the ships and hoped they weren't scanning – or at least weren't well enough staffed to read the scanners. The odds weren't in their favour – but there wasn't much he could do about that. With a bit of careful flying he circled close to the star and moved onto the bright side of the planet. No one locked weapons which suggested they'd been lucky – at least for now. He pulled the ship through the atmosphere and towards the watery surface.

"I still am unable to scan." Hy'Lar informed him moments later.

Jim frowned and analysed the screens in front of him. Without Spock he was at a loss how to make sense of the data in front of him. Such an exodus of starships had damaged the atmosphere and gravitational field of the planet to such an extent that he'd be hard pressed to use the sensors to work out which way was up. Time to think of something else.

"Do you still have the coordinates we beamed down to?"

"Yes."

"Let's start there. Keep your eyes open."

Hy'Lar plotted a course and they moved closer to the surface, and onto the dark side of the planet. He shook his head when they reached the coordinates. They weren't going to see a thing in the darkness – the light of a single moon just wasn't enough, and the sensors were no help. The Mazarite gave him a concerned look.

"I do not know what to do." He looked sickened. "It's possible she's already-."

"Don't say it." Jim interrupted him. She was _not_ dead. Joanna McCoy would not die like this. She wouldn't – not drowning on some damn backwater planet. Hell, he needed an idea. He forced himself to think. And then he wondered how he'd been so much of an idiot.

"I love Vulcan ships." He told the man beside him. The scanners were electromagnetically based. And if they could scan, they could also do the opposite.

"What are you doing?"

"Creating a radiation pulse of a specific wavelength. I'm going to aim it at the surface. Do you think you'll be able to see an echo on the scanner?"

"It's possible." Hy'Lar looked hopeful. "But how will that aid us? Humans do not emit radiation."

"Joanna – she's wearing something I gave her."

"You bugged her?" The being took on an angry look. There was just no pleasing some people.

"Not exactly." The necklace had never meant to be a tracer though recently he'd relied on its useful ability for just that. "I'm sending out the pulse now."

"Very well – we will discuss that later."

"I bet we will..." The Mazarite had the look of Khan when you removed his favourite toy (usually his tricorder) – quiet but secretly planning a way to get you back. "Anything?"

"No."

"Keep looking. We could have been more than twenty clicks away when we fell, and she might have swum further." He hoped she'd swum – that she'd been able to. She'd freeze to death if she hadn't. He forced the thought forcefully from his head and created a new flightplan.

It took time – and time was what they didn't have. The combination of tsunami and atmospheric disturbance had created a storm so severe that it took some concentration for him to keep the ship level – and he was beginning to understand the reason why no other ships were scanning the surface for survivors as they were. He saw nothing but large, violent waves. The probability of someone being able to survive in that... Joanna swam well, he knew, but even so...

Hy'Lar broke his thoughts. "I believe I have something – it is weak."

His hopes rose. "Where?"

"South-west."

"I'm plotting a course." His hands flew over the controls.

"It appears to be moving."

"In this water, that's no surprise. What direction?"

"West." He whipped the shuttle around. "Yes – it is getting stronger." He thanked his lucky stars and continued to follow. "Here." Hy'Lar finally stopped him. "There's a direct reflection."

Jim scanned the surface but still got no sense from the readout. He leaned across the viewscreen and looked across the waves, lit by the ship's light. He couldn't see her.

"She should be right here?"

The Mazarite nodded. "Yes."

He didn't think, didn't hesitate – because he could guess what that that meant. "I'm transferring you the controls. Put her on autopilot – and keep that pulse going"

"The pulse? But-."

He had no time for arguments. "I'm taking the winch – she's below the surface." He didn't wait for a response. He moved back into the holding bay, released and attached the mechanism, opened the bay doors, and jumped into the icy depths below.

He hit the waves, the cold driving the breath from him, but he forced his limbs to movement, and dived deeper. The current was the strongest he'd felt in a long time and he had to fight his way down. It was pitch black and he saw nothing. Nothing at all. For the first time since meeting Joanna he felt something very similar to fear, real sickening fear. Then he saw something, a glimpse of light in the corner of his vision. He turned around, but lost sight of it. He forced himself to calm as air grew desperate and swam towards where he'd first seen it, and then there it was again. A red light. Hell, he knew that light. He didn't allow himself to lose it again, moved fast. He reached out for it, his hand encircling an icy glowing stone, then connecting to a neck. And there she was. He wrapped his arms around her, activated the winch and dragged them both out of the water and into the bay.

He gasped for breath for a second, only a second, then removed the girl from his arms and laid her on the ground. Her skin was pale, her lips blue.

"You found her!" Hy'Lar was at his side.

"She's not breathing." The panic he'd been feeling washed over him. He reached for a pulse as Hy'Lar knelt beside her. "Nothing. No pulse." She was dead. He sat back, horror filling him. For a moment all he saw were images, flashbacks, in front of his eyes. A situation all too similar to this, too similar. But no – she wasn't wet. It wasn't the same. It couldn't be... Not Joanna. Not like this. Oh hell. He remembered that little girl, and the promises he'd made her, and the woman that he'd just kissed, and -.

"Kirk – go and find something to use as a bath – quickly." The Mazarite roused him, scanning the woman with a serious look, then attaching a cardiac monitor and giving her a hypospray.

He didn't understand. Not one bit. But he moved anyway because he couldn't deal with those thoughts and his brain was overloading. He found the large basin for plasma spills and dragged it across.

"Good." Hy'Lar nodded. "Undress her. I'll fill it." He was attaching spill pipes to the replicator. Jim bent down to the small woman again, and pushed down that dark sickness that was creeping up. He undressed her with ease – imagining how she'd be unimpressed with his talent for removing a woman's clothes in only a few seconds (especially since have the clothes were part-frozen to her skin) and lifted her into his arms. She was so cold, the iciness of her skin seeping through his own half-frozen clothes.

"What are we doing?" He forced out the question.

"You Humans have a better capacity for hypoxia in the cold than my people."

He attempted to translate that in his mind. "You're saying she's still alive?"

"It's possible. We must warm her– her heart should restart when we do. I can supplement her breathing until then." Jim felt raw hope claw at his chest. He hugged Joanna closer to him. "Alright, lower her in."

Jim carefully placed her in the water, leaning her head gently against the back of the tub and frowned. "It's not very warm."

"It's not meant to be. Her body must adjust gradually. Heat her too quickly and her heart will not start – or stop again. It is a delicate balance."

Jim met his eyes. "Have you ever done this before?"

"No." His face was honest.

Well, he was willing to try anything right now. "It's worth a shot."

"Indeed."

They both viewed the woman silently as the monitors beeped. He willed her alive, to just come back. She had to come back. He needed her letters and her odd sense of humour and her fearlessness. He needed her. She made him... him. Minutes passed in silence. Then a sensor started to beep.

"Her heart has begun to beat again." Hy'Lar told him. He exhaled a breath he hadn't realised he was holding and smiled at the being. The Mazarite, strangely enough, returned it. He clearly was equally relieved. He continued to watch her for a moment, then brushed the hair from her face. And then realised that here they were, two men, watching a naked woman in a bath of slowly heating water.

"Alright, this is weird." He hadn't been looking at her body, not like _that_ at any rate, since fear had been distracting him. But now he didn't seem to be able to look anywhere else. Damn, Bones was going to murder him. He fixed his eyes firmly on her face.

"Indeed." Hy'Lar cleared his throat as if embarrassed.

Clearly they both needed a distraction. "You seem to know what you're doing with all this." He remarked.

Hy'Lar shrugged. "I read about it once. Joanna's the first Human I ever met – so I've had little chance to perfect it."

And then he knew why he reminded him so much of Bones. "Are you a doctor?" A doctor, not a spy. No wonder Joanna had become his friend.

To his surprise, he frowned. "No." He replied shortly. Then his face softened. "I was once."

"But no longer?"

"On my home planet... well to be what you would call 'doctor' we are bound by blood oaths. I broke my oaths many years ago." He made no more conversation, and Jim decided not to push, not to ask.

Eventually the being cleared his throat. "Is this it?" He indicated to the necklace, its dark pendant hanging down between the unconscious woman's breasts. Jim nodded, attempting not look at its position, whilst Hy'Lar looked closer.

"I knew she wore the chain, but I've never looked closely at it before. It's not like any device I've ever seen."

"I heard it called It'ora. It's not a tracking device – just has some properties that allow it to be used as such."

"It'ora... I have heard the term before... From a Fallon."

"Yes."

The man looked perplexed. "You are aware of the-."

The ship shuddered and he heard warnings sound from the flightdeck. "I need to get us out of here."

Hy'Lar nodded, eyes on Joanna's face, and he forced himself away. She was safe. Her heart was beating. She would be okay. But hell, that had been close – too close, and he was a man used to close calls. He busied himself for now. They'd been hit by a high wave – the storm was only getting worse. It was time to leave. He powered up the thrusters and left the atmosphere on the light side of the planet. There were still plenty of starships on long-range sensors, so he didn't wait. The last thing they needed was someone to think there were survivors. Joanna had enough people tracking her. He circled the star, using its radiation to mask their trail, then headed out to open space.

It took him an hour to find somewhere he felt safe enough to hide in. The nebula was massive, and could easily hide their signature. He powered down and locked the location into the computer to avoid the shift from stellar winds. He kept long range scanners on. Given what he'd recently seen he didn't think he could be too careful. He was beginning to understand how Joanna had become so paranoid.

Thinking about Joanna... "How is she?" He moved into the bay and changed from his wet clothing.

Hy'Lar had taken a seat next to the tub and was watching the readout from a beeping monitor. Joanna still seemed unconscious. "She's improving. Her heart grows stronger."

He heaved a sigh of relief and took a seat on the floor on the opposite side. He ran a hand down her hair. It was dripping onto the floor, still icy. He felt something pull in his chest. He'd always liked her hair. It was a mess, and she'd never tried to do anything with it even when she got older, but it was always soft, like her. Hell, what was he going to do? He needed her. He kissed her... Well he'd kissed plenty of women, but you didn't screw around a girl like Joanna McCoy. He could never be with her. He was already far too close to breaking the rules he'd made for himself. How could he stay? How could he leave? He was walking a tightrope and one false move... His feelings were a muddle he could make no sense of.

"Speak." Hy'Lar's voice resounded. He looked up sharply. It occurred to him that the Mazarite had used his name earlier. He knew exactly who he was. And here they were. "Speak." He intoned again. "I sense your emotions anyway."

He had a point. And right now he didn't want to be alone with his thoughts. "I don't know what to do... If she had died..." He attempted some coherence. Perhaps the Mazarite already knew, could make more sense of them than he could. "I've known her for a long time. Too long... And she's changed. But even so..." He didn't know how to finish.

"She is still Joanna." The man replied softly.

He nodded. Still Joanna... But what did that mean? "I feel... When I'm around her... Well things are make sense. I always know who I am." He stroked a finger down her cold face. "She finds me. We find each other."

He felt Hy'Lar study his face. Finally he spoke. "Did Joanna tell you how we met?" He shook his head. "I was... well I am a bad man. Very bad."

He tried to read the man's face. "How bad?"

"I worked for the Syndicate. Slave ships at first. They needed a doctor – healthy specimens sell better. Later..." His face darkened. "They tortured. I helped. Kept alive the... specimens. Found them new ways, new methods."

Jim felt himself sicken. This was Joanna's friend? He tried to understand. "Why?"

"To bring down the Federation." He felt an echo of Joanna's... Antonia's... words. "I lived with my family on Mazar. My... ability... was unusual amongst my people and I had always been an outcast. My respite was my profession. My wife was a member of the high council. She was remarkable – if only because she fell in love with me. Twenty years ago was a coup – my wife was killed, our planet was plunged into civil war. Later I found out that Federation had a hand in the regime change – they felt that the new government would be more stable, more receptive to Federation signing."

His heart sunk. He remembered reading about Mazar. It had occurred before he'd joined Starfleet. They'd never proven how closely S.I. had been involved in the downfall of the government but he'd been intrigued one sleepless night when they'd been in the quadrant and pulled up the records. There was every chance the S.I. really had been involved – experience had taught Jim how to recognise the signs. The planet had been thrown into civil war. Millions had died. The Federation had denied any involvement, but the next government had quickly signed the treaty and the Federation had helped supply the planet with aid.

"We had three children. My son was killed in the first year as part of the resistance. My two girls survived until our city was bombed. I was working in the healing house – I took in their bodies. I lost my parents, my siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins. After the war I had nothing. However, the new regime knew me, and who my wife had been. Once it was powerful enough it took out everyone connected to the old government and I was forced to flee from the people I'd give my life and work to." He heaved out a breath. "You'd be surprised how few honest careers there are for an empathic Mazarite off planet. By then I was angry, and frankly anything that dented the Federation was fine with me. Before I knew it I'd been pulled far deeper than I ever planned. I barely recognised myself. But getting out isn't easy once you're involved with a group like the Syndicate."

He paused, thoughts clearly moving into darkness, and Jim wondered if he'd forgotten why he'd started talking on the subject in the first place. "When I first saw her I mistook her for a child. We found her with a group of smugglers that had infringed someone's territory – I forget the details. We assumed they'd picked her up for a bit of fun, you know, then to sell in to slavery later. It didn't occur to us that she might be something she wasn't. Not until later.

"The prisoners were tortured for information. Even Joanna once they realised she wasn't as young as they'd first thought. I cleaned them up, got them ready for the next session. I usually found that aspect of my work difficult – it was not easy when I could hear and feel the misery of my victims. It was no more than I deserved, you are thinking. You would be correct. By then I was an outcast amongst all people – the prisoners hated and feared me, my shipmates despised me despite the need for my talents. So when I met Joanna it took me only moments to realise she was... different.

"I am not sure whether you've ever interrogated my kind, but you probably know that they don't react like others when tortured. They are two types. The first type group together in misery and mutual need. These were the type that were easy to intimidate, particularly if you separate them. The second type do whatever they need to do to survive – no ethics, no cares above themselves, happier alone. They were the easiest to break. But Joanna – well she didn't fit into either category. She kept her distance from the others but wasn't above seeing to their wounds, and said nothing on interrogation. Her emotions didn't fit the norm – none of the fear or anger. It was then I realised that she might be something quite different, but kept my thoughts to myself because she... intrigued me. I was sorry when they started to torture her. The first time I cleaned her up she thanked me." He shook his head. "It was genuine – I would have known, and in fact expected it to be otherwise. I had worked that job for over a decade. She was the only one who thanked me for my so called service. It made me nervous, so I kept away from her, refuse to heal her after that.

"After three days we hit an ion storm. I'm sure you know they way it works - our ships weren't as modern as anything Starfleet has, none of these replicators or warp drives, and our food and water were limited. Naturally we moved into a rationed scheme – and prisoners... well they were usually left to fend for themselves."

Jim stared at him. "You mean they starved to death?"

"Depending on the length of the storm – then yes, it had happened. They often killed each other in the end." Jim stared at him. And _Joanna_ had been there? "The prisoners, as you would expect, got antsy. After two days there was full out fighting. Joanna was sensible and stayed out of it, just sat in the corner and watched. She was always watching – me included. After three days, they turned on her. I pulled her out of the cell and put her in a separate one."

He met his eyes. "Don't ask me why I did it. I don't know why. But she thanked me, and asked if she could have a sip of water. That scared me, because I actually considered it and I didn't recognise myself. I was concerned I was becoming soft. That killed in my trade. So I refused, of course. She didn't ask again. But the next day I saw she looked ill – very ill and left some water and food in her cell. She didn't catch me at it until the third day – I am good at carrying out my worse tasks when the prisoners slept and she was too weak to stay awake for long. I always remember the look she gave me. 'Why are you helping me?' She asked. And I couldn't tell her. She just smiled and told me she knew that I was different, she could see it. She asked me what I wanted. I told her the truth – that I wanted a way out, but knew it wasn't possible. She asked me if I could fly the ship. I could of course. Then she told me she was going to take it. I could either help her, or watch, but either way I'd have my freedom at the end. I didn't believe her, although I already suspected what she was. But twelve hours later I flew the ship out of the ion storm and she did exactly what she said she would. She gave me my freedom – the entire ship if I had desired it. But I had nothing and no one and she had already won me. So I bound myself to serving her, gave her everything that I know - to be the person she somehow sees in me."

Images flickered across Jim's memory. "I think I know how you feel." He finally commented after a moment's silence.

"Perhaps you do."

Jim studied him. "You can see a lot of my emotions – I've never tried to hide them. So why don't you like me?"

"You have to ask?"

"Perhaps not." He replied honestly. "But I am."

Hy'Lar turned his eyes to the woman in front of him. "The more I got to know Joanna, the more I could see she was missing something. At first I thought it was similar to myself – only loss and hurt, I thought, could have induced her to a career that is against her very nature. It was not until I met you, Captain Kirk, that I realised exactly what it was. It is perhaps unsurprising that I dislike the person who hurt this woman so deeply." Jim felt his heart sink as the Mazarite sighed. "However honestly, part of me is jealous – I had always hoped that I might fill the void I sense in her. It wasn't until now – when I have seen you together - that I realise there is no chance. And you will hurt her again."

"I don't want to." He ran a hand through Joanna's hair and realised just how true that was. "But... things are complicated between us."

"Hence the tracking device."

"Yes."

He studied Jim carefully. "I have been watching you. I believe I understand some of your feelings for her. Yet to me it does not make sense that you would abandon her. You have known her since as child, you say. I sense your... devotion." Jim frowned because that was something he wasn't willing to discuss. "Few cannot see there is an attraction between you. I understand you Human's are squeamish about age and such. Perhaps you left for some sense of propriety?" His eyes were on his face, but Jim couldn't meet them. "Perhaps... but even if that had been the case, I do not believe that you would have stayed away for long. You are not one to suppress you instincts, and your feelings for her are strong. No... It was something else..." Jim tried to close his mind, tried not to think of that day, but it was no good. "You were saving her life." The Mazarite stated. Oh hell. Jim put his head in his hands, because he didn't want to think about it, didn't want to project those images that would always haunt him, today especially. He felt Hy'Lar's frown, but it wasn't as pointed as it should have been. "Is she in danger now, from you being here?"

He shook his head. "I don't know. It's... I tried to save her by leaving. But now she's doing a good job of trying to kill herself – and if I leave we both know she might. I feel like it's a balance – and I don't know what to do to save her, which way it will tip." And what if he'd been wrong, walking out? What if he'd set this all in motion, his leaving? Hell. But no, he didn't dare think about that. It had been right. It had to be right – at the very least to curb his attraction to her.

"You cannot save her." The Mazarite stated softly, and Jim felt himself still. It was the third time he'd heard those words in as many days and it echoed deep within. First the lawyer, then the spy, and now him.

"Why would you say that?"

"Do not misunderstand me. No one wants, more than I, to see her safe and happy. But I have been with her for more than a year. She has fallen into a downward spiral. What she does now... there is no return from this. Even you, the great Captain of the Federation, cannot take her from the path she is now on."

Jim frowned at him. "I don't do very well being told what I can and can't do."

"No. And you will try anyway. It is your nature."

Joanna stirred suddenly, and both men looked down at her. "Jim..." Her voice was faint as she struggled in the water, creeping towards consciousness. Jim ran a hand down her face, stilling her, and saw a look of raw grief pass across the Mazarite's features before it was still again.

"She has been in there long enough. Take her to the quarters next door and keep her warm. She will be unable to maintain her own heat and will be exhausted. I must question our prisoners."

Jim frowned and considered asking exactly what that would involve – knowing exactly what the man was now. Then he realised he didn't want to know. "Alright." He realised his chest was pounding from the earlier shot and he felt drained – not just physically.

He lifted Joanna out of the water and carried her to the adjoining room. She still felt cool – but not icy compared with earlier. He managed to find some towels and impressed himself by manoeuvring himself one handed and laying them, then her, on the bed. He studied the woman. She had a nice body – toned and athletic, although she needed to put on some weight – he could see every rib, the curve of her pelvis. However, it was her face, as always, that captivated him. And then realised that she was naked, wet, and beginning to shiver. He got a hold of himself. What was he doing? He'd seen plenty of naked women. She was nothing special. He dried her carefully and without pause, thoughts carefully controlled except for the occasional vision of Bones shooting him. That was, until he noticed the tattoo.

"Oh hell." They were the first words that came to his mind. Below her navel was a tiny figure he recognised instantly. The Enterprise. She had a tattoo of the Enterprise. He felt a lump in his throat because he was fairly sure he knew what that meant. It wasn't fair, it had never been fair, on her. He reached out to touch it, then paused, avoiding crossing that boundary. Not like this. Not now.

She was still shivering. He made himself finishing drying her, then realised he had nothing to dress her in. Her backpack was in the other room, and he wasn't particularly experienced dressing women anyway, despite his skill in the other direction, so elected to roll her in dry towel and then a sheet. He tucked her under the covers, frowning as her body continued to shake. Then, wondering why he was fighting the inevitable, he climbed into bed next to her and pulled her close. Her shivering ceased slowly as he held her, and he felt her slowly relax as she slipped into sleep. He brushed her almost dry hair from her face and felt a tug deep inside.

"You scared me, Sassy." He whispered to the sleeping woman. Really scared him. Because the death of Joanna McCoy was the one thing that could. And for that reason, she could not, and never would, know it. He kissed her on the forehead and allowed sleep to take him.

_A/N – Alright, confusing, huh? Well, it will all make sense with the next chapter. It's about time we learnt who the Girl with the Red Balloon is (if you haven't already guessed!) and what this plot is actually all about. The song for the next chapter will be Youth by Daughter. Thanks for reading, and write me a review if you have a chance. _


	24. Foreshadowing

23. Foreshadowing

_A/N – __**Do not read this until you've seen Into Darkness. There are spoilers. You have been warned! **__The movie was brilliant, as anticipated, and will fit in perfectly with this story (I breathed a sigh of relief). So, on that note, this is going to be entirely compliant with both the films (hence why I'm so anal about stardates...) except for Christine Chapel – who obviously is on the ship and sort of with Bones, but that's a whole other story (see At Your Side). This chapter is set near the very end of the movie (bar the letters at the beginning, which make sense once you've seen the film). This is, except for the final chapters, the most important chapter of the story – so read carefully! I love breadcrumbs (if you hadn't already noticed) and this is a bit more like a loaf of bread! Towards the end you may feel the need to come back here, so remember the title if you can (and for those reading back, yep, this is __that__ chapter). This idea isn't entirely original (think DS9), but how I use it might be. Someone asked me whether John Harrison will be in this story. Well, you will have to wait and see, but for a large hint, read on! This is for Aninut – I hope you get some answers! Thanks, as always for reading, and please review!_

Chasing visions of our futures

One day we'll reveal the truth

That one will die before he gets there.

Well I've lost it all, I'm just a silhouette,

A lifeless face that you'll soon forget,

My eyes are damp from the words you left,

Ringing in my head, when you broke my chest.

_Youth – Daughter_

"Time is the fire in which we burn..."

_Dr.__Soran,__ Star Trek Generations_

Stardate: 2259

Jim: Aged 26

Joanna: Aged 9

_Dear Jim,_

_Has your choice got something to do with the bombings in London – and the shooting at Starfleet Headquarters? Lotoc says that I'm reading too much in to things and they're probably not connected, like the news reports say, but I looked up the last time there were bombings on Earth and it was 03.04.2255, and now two big attacks in one week. It's illogical that they would not be connected (and even Professor Calros said I have a point when I did my detention today). I suppose Starfleet want to cover them up in case people on Earth get all scared or something. Well I'm not scared but I am sorry that Admiral Pike died. He was really kind to me when I came on the Enterprise the first time and listened to me when the other Admirals were just grumpy on the shuttle. Dad told me he was the one who recruited you. He was a good man and I liked him. Some of the other admirals were hurt too – I saw it on the news. I hope dad can fix them up okay. Anyway, why would they bomb the archives? That's just stupid, since I can access the entire content from my computer right now, and if you wanted to kill lots of people there are loads of better places to do it. Grandma says the best place to hide a secret is in plain sight, so I'm guessing it wasn't even an archive at all. And why try to hurt the Admirals? Is someone trying to destroy Starfleet? Only that makes no sense, because Starfleet is more than admirals, and you can just promote people to make more. Maybe someone has a grudge against them or something. Or maybe they want to destroy world or something, like Vulcan? I suppose you can't tell me, and I guess you and Spock and dad have figured it all out already. But if you could tell me I'm on the right track I'd be happy. I just want to know that I was right and Lotoc was wrong._

_Anyway, I guess you might be too busy to read this. I hope you've already made your decision. I don't know what you should do, but I know what you can do, and you're Captain Kirk. You always decide right. I know you'll be trying to catch the person responsible. I believe in you._

_Keep dad and Khan and the Enterprise safe._

_Joanna._

_Dear Joanna,_

_You're on the right track. I'll keep them safe._

_Jim._

"You know, you still look like hell Jim." Bones muttered into the darkness a few weeks after Jim had written his last letter to Joanna.

Jim chuckled. "I think I don't look half bad for someone who was dead two weeks ago."

The man beside him snorted. "You'd look a hell of a lot better if you'd left the damn function an hour ago. I thought I told you no alcohol?"

"What, now you're taking the fun out of my life too? I already have Spock for that!"

Bones made a frustrated noise. "I'm your doctor, Jim, and against my better judgement I let you stand up and give that damn speech-,"

"Which was excellent, admit it."

He rolled his eyes. "Since when do you give a damn what I think?"

"Of course I give a damn. You're my friend."

"Fine." He sighed. "Well, I'm sure it brought comfort to the families of those we lost."

He nodded, teasing mood gone. They'd lost many – too many. No one understood that sort of pain except his CMO, who felt the blood on his hands almost as much as he did. His life had been saved with Khan's blood – but how many weren't? He felt selfish. "That's something."

Bones sighed. "You need to get some rest Jim. The dinner was too much."

"Did you see Spock leave?"

"He and Uhura left an hour ago."

He forced his mood to lightness. "Well at least they seem to be getting along better. You know Bones, if this captaining business fails, maybe I'll turn my expertise to relationship counselling."

Bones snorted. "Right. What the hell do _you_ know about relationships?"

"How to start them?"

"Because that's the part people worry about. I suppose you could demonstrate how not to do it. But I'd stick to what you're good at."

"And what's that?"

"Getting on my nerves. And winding up that Vulcan."

"And saving the day?"

"Occasionally."

Jim laughed. "Well you two are sure determined at keeping me humble."  
>"I'm fighting a losing battle."<p>

"Yes you are." He grinned and turned his thoughts to happier things. "So... we've got a five year mission."

"I know." The man frowned at him. "I'm blaming you for that. Five years? In space? Well that's going to be a bundle of laughs. What the hell am I going to tell Joanna? I barely see her as it is."

"We'll still be back to Earth occasionally."

"Once a year, at best."

"True. But she could come to us..." He liked that thought. He imagined Joanna spending her summers with them. She'd love it on the Enterprise.  
>"Are you out of your damn mind? Have you forgotten what we've just been through?"<p>

"We'll be on an exploration mission, Bones." He pointed out. Definitely nothing like what they'd just done. He hoped they never went through anything like the last mission again - or his luck might just run out.

"Yeah, right. An exploration mission. Just like the surveying mission? Or the peace-keeping mission? Or any of the other damned so-called straight-forward missions we've been on in the last year. Hell, Joanna almost got killed when the I'sorta took the Enterprise last time she was aboard." He was getting angry.

"You need to loosen up, Bones. You're going to give yourself a heart attack."

"You'd like that, wouldn't you?"

"No, not really. Listen, Joanna's going to get into trouble whether she's aboard the ship or not. You're the one that told me what she gets up to when she'd bored. At least on the Enterprise you'll be able to keep an eye on her and spend some time with her for a few months a year. You have my word she'll come to no harm whilst aboard."

"Your word?"

"Yep."

"Right. Can you give me your word that _I_ won't come to any harm?"

"Of course not – but then knowing you you'll suffer a freak transporter accident or something." He chuckled when the doctor made a face. "Now where are you taking me, because I'm fairly sure my quarters are in the opposite direction?"

"You're coming back to mine."

"Really? It's poker night again?"

"Don't be an idiot man. You've been on your feet too long and I want to make sure you actually sleep and don't take a turn in the hay with the first woman you meet."

"You know, me and that haystack have been apart far too long..."

"Damn it Jim, why the hell do you never listen to me? You've got to give your body time to recover."

"You're not lonely are you? Is Christine still aboard?"

"That's beside the point."

Jim laughed. "I'll take that as a yes. Alright then. I'll help out a friend."

"Yeah, great. You're really helping me out."

"Glad to hear it. Wait a minute. Isn't this the _medical_ accommodation. There's nurses here!" He smiled seductively at a pair of tittering women in blue who walked past.

"Obviously."

"You know, I love nurses."

"And I've brought the lion to the lambs. Just keep it in your pants, Jim. I want some sleep tonight."

They moved into the turbolift and Jim wondered how drunk he needed to get his friend before he could sneak out. He was tired, it was true, but he would never sleep, even with Bones in the next room. Two weeks ago, he'd died. And it had been... terrifying. It would have been better if it had been quicker. He hadn't expected to have so long to think about it. But he had – those long minutes until Spock had got there. He'd felt the agonising pain, and the anger. And the terror. Until that moment somewhere, at the back of his mind, Jim had never really believed it could happen to him. He'd had plenty of near-misses and he survived. He always survived. And even though he knew when he'd walked into that room that there was no coming back, and he even now he would have done it again, would willingly give his life for his crew, it wasn't until he was sitting there, Spock watching him with that half-Human expression, that he really realised he was going to die. And that was frightening - that emptiness. Because he was twenty-six years old and what had he done? He wanted to do so much more. There was so much he wanted to discover, to see. There was so much he could _be_. A captain, and a friend, a lover. A hero. But that would never happen, he could see that reflection in his friend's eyes, and in a moment he knew he would be some name, like his father, put on a pedestal for saving the life of his crew and then forgotten. That had been his last thought. The memories kept him awake at night. He'd survived, but that thought just wouldn't stop.

"Jim?" He realised Bones had been saying something. "You alright?"

"Yep. Fine."

"Right..." The doctor cleared his throat. "You know Jim, after what happened. If you need to... you know – talk about things..."

"It's fine Bones." He didn't want to talk about it. He wasn't sure that he could. It would be fine once he got back on his ship, once he got busy again. All this hanging around was driving him mad. He wished Scotty would hurry up with those repairs.

They paused outside a door, and Bones scanned his hand on the ID pad. It beeped neatly and the doors slid open.

"What the hell?" Bones exclaimed wildly. Jim drew his phaser automatically, before realising he was on Earth and wasn't carrying one. However Bones was already walking into the room, and Jim's mind caught up quickly enough to follow. There, seating on a chair facing the door, was a small girl.

The doctor stared at her. "Joanna? What the hell are you doing here?"

Joanna McCoy was scowling darkly at her father and flew to her feet. For the first time in weeks Jim felt rather like laughing. "What am I doing here? You go away on a mission to catch the bad guys without telling me, so I have to learn about it from the news, and the bad reports say that the Enterprise has been destroyed and everyone's dead, and the good ones say that the Enterprise is out of commission and Jim's dead. Then they say that Jim's alive and everyone knows you can't bring a dead person back to life – and all you send me is a damn message saying that you're okay. Then I try and contact you and get no reply – and no one talks to me because I'm a kid. What the hell was I supposed to do? Of course I'm damn well here."

The doctor looked rather stunned by his daughter's anger. They exchanged a glance and Jim had to keep from outright laughing. Bones gave him a pointed look and cleared his throat, clearly in an attempt to get control of the situation. "Watch your language, Joanna."

"_My_ language."

"Yes, damn it."

"Well _you_ swear."

"I'm an adult. You're nine."

"I'm almost ten!"

"I'm... Just..." The man rolled his eyes, and clearly forcibly attempted calmness. He took a deep breath. "Well I didn't mean for you to worry Joanna."

"Of course you didn't. Grandma says that men think like a herd of turtles on peanut butter." The girl retorted angrily. Jim had no idea what that meant, and Bones just stared at her.

"How did you get here?"

"Three shuttles, a Riogalian net and something that I think was a refurbished Romulan interceptor."

"Hell." He looked at Jim in supplication. Jim raised his eyebrows. Well, he had warned him that Joanna would get into trouble no matter where she was. "I'd better contact your mother."

"You should probably send a message to Professor Calros saying I'm okay too. He might be worried by now."

"He might be? Damn it Joanna, how long have you been gone for?"

"About a week. It's not easy to get across the quadrant when you have no money you know." Bones paled. Then he moved across the room and sat down heavily, head in his hands, clearly having some sort of meltdown. Joanna rolled her eyes at him.

"Hi Joanna." Jim finally managed to speak without laughing.

"Hi Jim. I'm glad you're not dead."

"I am too kid."

"Don't call me kid."

"Alright Sassy." That drew a grin from her and he couldn't help but respond.

Bones was muttering under his breath and Joanna gave him worried side-long look. "Is he not happy to see me?"

Jim attempted to help his apparently too shocked to speak friend. "I think you just surprised him. Your dad hates surprises."

"That's stupid."

"And I think he was worried about you."

She looked confused. "I didn't tell him I was coming because I knew he would worry. He can't be worried now that I'm actually here." Her large eyes were deep with concern. "_I_ was worried about _him_. And you. That's why I came." Her voice became small, and she looked nervous. "I didn't mean to make him worry, Jim. Honestly. I just couldn't wait any more."

"I know Sassy." She clearly hadn't been angry at all, just worried about her dad. Obviously her father had come to the same conclusion because he finally stood and embraced the girl tightly. Jim cleared his throat. Damn, he hated being a third wheel in these sorts of situations. "Well, I'm a bit tired... I'm just going to have a lie down..."

He wasn't sure either of them noticed as he slipped into the other room. He realised that he really was feeling tired. He laid down on the bed, and for the first time in a week sleep came easily to him.

"Jim? Are you awake?" A small voice broke through his nightmares.

"Yep." He opened his eyes into darkness. Joanna was standing at the door, surrounded by the light of the hall. She was dressed in one of her dad's shirts which fell down to her ankles and in her arms was some sort of box.

"Good." She crept in and sat down on the corner of his bed as he wiped the sleep from his face and sat up. She studied him levelled for a moment, her eyes serious. "Did you really die?"

"Yes."

"Oh." Her eyes grew darker. "Then how are you alive?"

"Your dad."

"He can't cure deadness, Jim. He told me that."

"He had some help. It's complicated Sassy. I was unconscious for two weeks after."

She nodded slowly. "I guess that was why dad was so busy. He would have been upset if you died, Jim. He likes you the best of everyone." She looked bleak. "I would have been sad too. I'd miss your letters. You're my only friend."

For some unknown reason that – or perhaps the expression in her eyes - touched him. He wasn't sure what to say. "What have you got there?" He finally asked, indicating to the box she held.

"I don't know. I think it's really ancient but I don't know what it does."

He raised his eyebrows at her. "Does it have to do something? Maybe it's just a box – you know for storage or something."

"It's not." She said firmly. "That's why I've brought it to you.

She crawled across the bed and passed it to him. "Computer, lights on." He blinked and studied the object in his hands. It was perfectly square, made of some sort of black organic substance that wasn't wood. It might have been rock, but it was too warm to touch. Into its surfaces was carved beautiful patterns – circles attached to circles.

"Where did you get this?" He asked softly.

"A man gave it to me."

"A man?"

"On Cerberus. He said he was looking for another Human to take care of it for him. He said it was special – only I can't work out how."

Jim frowned. "And you just took it – from a stranger?"

"Of course. I could see it was important. I did have Lotoc scan it though, before I opened it. I'm not stupid."

"I didn't think you were." He replied lightly. "What did you find?"

"It's empty."

"Is it now..?" He studied the box again, looking for a button. "How does it open?"

"Here." She depressed one of the circles, then slid it around some of the others in a complex pattern. He wondered how long she'd spent working out how to do that. There was a click, and it opened.

It was empty. Jim could see all four walls. He frowned. Not that he was expecting Joanna to lie – only that... "Well, that's disappoi-."A flame of red light appeared in its centre. He frowned and leaned in closer. And his surroundings disappeared.

When he opened his eyes again everything was white – as far as he could see. Indefinitely. Now that was perplexing. Where was he? What was going on?

"Hello?" He ventured.

All at once he was surrounded. People... beings... dressed in white cloaks, hoods hiding their faces. He turned around. There were so many of them. They were whispering and he picked out the words. 'He's come."

"So... I assume you're the welcoming committee then." He wasn't entirely sure whether they were hostile – or whether they'd captured him... or well... what was going on...

"You are the James Kirk." He wasn't sure who spoke. Maybe they all spoke.

"That's me – although whether I'm THE James Kirk is debateable."

"You are the James Kirk." They repeated.

"Right... And, who are you exactly?"

They turned their heads as one. "We are the Guardians."

"Guardians... Of what?"

"Of the layers that divide your worlds."

He attempted to interpret the meaning. "Layers... Like space?"

"Of decisions made. Of choices and possibilities."

He tried again. "Alternate realities?"

"Some may call it that."

Well that was interesting. He chuckled. "So you're Gods or something?"

"We are not Creators."

Ah. Just your standard sort of higher beings then. "What exactly can this humble starship captain do for you?"

"The path has been shown to one – we must show the other. It is the balance."

Oh dear. It was going to be like that. They should have brought Spock with him to translate. "I don't really understand..."

"There are points that connect all layers."

"Points?"

"Unanimous occurrences. From here, realities diverge. You, James Kirk, cause such a point."

"Really? Don't get me wrong, I probably get involved with plenty of the wrong things but dimensions and the universe... I'm fairly sure you've got the wrong guy."

"You are the James Kirk."

"Yes, I know my name." He frowned at them. "What is this... point?"

"The worlds you know it will fall. You will lose everything and everyone you hold dear."

"Or?"

"Or you will save them all." He was getting far too many of those ultimatums these days.

"Well that sounds better. I vote for the second one. What do I have to do?"

"You will fall in love."

Jim raised an incredulous eyebrow. "In love? Are you serious? Aren't higher beings meant to be above love and all that?" Wasn't that what Spock was always telling him?

"Refuting its existence would be refuting your universe. It shapes you. You will fall in love. It will shape your world. You will succeed or fail based on this."

"You're speaking like I have no choice."

"You have already done it. You will do it. You are a temporal being. We see all. This point is determined."

"So I do this in every universe? Fall in love?"

"Yes. It is the same point."

"With the same person?"

"Yes."

"But surely not. What if I die before I do? What if _she_ dies?"

He heard murmurs around him. Clearly he'd hit a nerve. "We do not discuss our failings."

"So it has happened?"

"It has. There are those of us that do not share our beliefs. They will draw us out. Undermine our actions, as they have before in other worlds."

"What beliefs?"

"That the universes should have freedom. You fight your petty wars, but no universe should be bound by fate."

"Yet you've bound me by it."

"You are the James Kirk."

"So I've been told. And I'm pretty sure I make my own fate." He sighed. "So let me get this right. I'm going to fall in love, and because of this I'll do something that will either destroy or save my reality?"

"Yes."

"Great. Just checking. And the other person you spoke of?"

"They are bound, as you are. They are your antithesis. If they succeed they will bring with it change and a fall."

"So one of us cannot win?"

"Yes."

"Good to know..."

"Be aware James Kirk, you cannot avoid this. The other has attempted and has learnt. If you test fate, you will learn but the consequences may be painful."

He heard murmuring arising from far away, appearing to flow towards him. He could not make out the words.

"Is there are problem?"

"They have come. You will have to choose."

"Choose? Choose what?"

Before they could reply there were others among them. He could tell they were others because they were dressed in red, not white. Well, at least he could tell the good guys from the bad guys. He wondered whether they usually dressed like this, or whether it was for his benefit. It would be a hell of a lot easier in the real world if he could tell the good guys from the bad guys from their clothing. For all he knew there weren't even bodies under the robes at all.

"You are the James Kirk." One of the red beings – or all of them – hell he still had no idea how this all worked, said.

"Really? Are you sure?"

"You are the James Kirk." They repeated. Clearly they didn't understand sarcasm. They turned a head. "You cause the point."

"So I've been told. I fall in love." It sounded ridiculous. All this because he fell in love. Could he even fall in love? Maybe they were talking about the Enterprise?

"Yes. You doubt?" The white beings were murmuring again, but were being pushed back by the red.

"I have my doubts, yes."

"We could show you."

"Show me?"

"It has been done – it is yet to be. They are simultaneous-."

"Yes I get it, you have the whole out of time thing." He considered this. Did he want to see his future? Spock had the opportunity from the other... Spock – but that was different, they were from different realities. Even so... Spock senior had refused to tell his junior companion anything. There was probably a reason behind that. But seriously, how was he supposed to resist an offer to see his future? If he knew her... well things could be so much easier.

"Alright." They stepped forward as one and he stepped into another place.

A small girl with dark hair and darker eyes hugs him tightly and he looks down and feels a wave of familiarity. He knows who she is. His mind didn't have time to think this through. Already they've moved on.

A woman in a gold dress dances in his arms. She smiles up at him, her large brown eyes laughing and familiar and he feels a wave of affection her so strong that he doesn't know what to do, how to act.

She's standing in the moonlight, her hair loose over her shoulders. She's dressed in his shirt and he wants to smile at that, but she's serious. "Do you trust me, Jim?"

A small girl is surrounded by Vulcans on a ship. She turns to the captain resolutely. "I will not abandon you." She gives him her hand.

Bodies are falling around her as she fights like a fiend, face furious, moving her way towards him like nothing would keep them apart. She shouts his name.

The woman looks at him, eyes dark and perplexed. "Sometimes I think you're only part of what you could be."

The darkness is seeping into his veins and he doesn't know if he can fight it. They've turned on him and it hurts him. She's there making him laugh. He doesn't know how she does it. She takes his hands in her own. She never stops believing in him.

They're hiding in a dark room. There are children around them, and he's struggling to keep them quiet. She turns to him, face entirely unreadable. "I'll draw them off. Keep them safe." Then she's gone.

A woman falling, wind through her hair, grinning at him, ever fearless. For a moment she's the most beautiful woman he's ever seen and he's stunned.

She faces Klingons, bat'leth the same size as she was. "You will hear me." The Klingons stop and listen and eventually clasp her wrist.

He watches her across a fire, the glow lighting her skin to olive. Her eyes are warm as she laughs at him and he knows he'll fall in love with her – that he has no choice.

She's surrounded by three men and he feels scared for her, powerless. "We have been watching you for a long time." They reach out to shake her hand.

A small girl is laughing and running to him. She smiles up at him. "I missed you." He's missed her too, and it surprises him.

She's looking down at him, eyebrows raised, wry smile on her face. "We really should stop meeting like this."

He ties a black stone around her neck. It looks right. "You'll wear it?" She smiles at him and nods and he feels relief.

Feeling her body next to his, his arms around her, he's fighting the urge to wake her, to kiss her and make her his, because he knows with her here, safe, it would all be alright.

She reaches up and taking the hand of a Vulcan, placing it on her face. "You are wrong and I will show you." There is only certainty in her eyes and he knows she could convince anyone of anything.

Her violin in hand she plays with such startling beauty that the entire room stops to watch her. He feels his heart swell with pride and relief and something far deeper. He doesn't know if he can resist her any longer.

Seeing those tears in her eyes when she turns away from him, and he can't stop himself. He moves back towards her and holds her. "It's going to be alright." She hugs him back tightly.

She's weeping over his chest. "Don't you dare die. I won't let you." He wants to comfort her but he can't speak.

He sees the smoke and feels a wave of terror so strong that he moves faster, runs to find her. He's screwed up and she's not going to forgive him, but he doesn't care as long as she's safe.

The woman is now embraced by a group of Klingons and named daughter. She smiles and shouts something in Klingon.

He's standing in the darkness with her, his heart beating hard, as she takes his hands and whispers. "You and I are the same." His heart is hers. It always has been.

She's looking nervously around, but smiles when she sees him and his heart skips a beat and all he can imagine is removing that dress from her. "Aren't you going to ask me to dance, Jim?" She raises her eyebrows in challenge – one that he can never resist.

The girl is sitting next to him, smiling to herself in that strange way. "Maybe we'll find each other."

She's looking intently at a being, a Mazarite. "You are different. I can tell." She holds out a hand. "Travel with me."

She strokes his face, her eyes fiery and burning him through. "I want you. Just you." And he wants her like no one else he's ever wanted in his life.

The images, the shifting kept coming almost simultaneously, building a picture of this woman that he loves. Of who Joanna McCoy becomes. Of who she is.

She stands surrounded and he can do nothing but watch. She turns to her captors, eyes blazing and fear forces the words from his mouth. "You have no idea who you're dealing with."

Riding horses through the countryside and she laughs at him when he pauses before leaping across that terrifying ravine. She jumps without hesitation.

She's reaching out and stroking his face. "I believe in you James Tiberius Kirk."

She's with a tall man, a Human, watching him touch her like he wants to, and feeling unmistakeable jealousy that overrides his sense so that all he can think about is tearing him limb from limb.

Seeing the girl trying so hard not to cry, wounded and muddy, and he feels such rage against her assaulter that he doesn't know what to do with it, only that he will have blood.

She's turning to him, anger and hurt warring in her eyes. "Of course I love you. How could I not?" He reaches for her, desperate that he's losing her.

He holding her as she weeps, her body shaking, and he wants to make it better for her, needs to make it better, but doesn't know how, so pulls her closer.

She's lying beneath him, her hair spread out across the pillow, the necklace dark on her chest and his heart so full of her and that unknown fear that he can't speak. She reaches up and strokes his face with eyes so dark and warm he could drown in them. "It's alright Jim, we'll learn together."

A girl – a woman – dress in white, on the top of a hill, waving a red balloon and every impulse is telling him that he should go to her, that he belonged with her.

She stands in front of an elderly man. "I've made my decision." Her eyes are heavy but her voice doesn't shake.

"Don't trust the shadows." She warns him. He reaches out and takes her hand in his.

He pulls her into his arms. The fear is overwhelming, almost paralysing. He can't be wrong. He can't be. "No." Joanna's face is motionless, her body cold. "No." Bones is holding his shoulder, telling him she's dead, but he doesn't believe He can't believe it. "No." But she doesn't wake up. It's been too long, Spock is telling him. "No." He traces her face. Her body is limp. She's wearing the necklace. But they could have taken that. He moves up her shirt. There's the tattoo. It's her. He can't bear it. Not this. The agony is tearing him apart. He loves her too much, too much to lose. "No. Enough."

Jim was back in the white infinity. He'd fallen on his knees, tears on his face. The red robes had gone, the white was all that was left.

"They have gone too far." He heard voices murmur.

"This will destroy him."

"Is it true?" He gasped. Because he knows he can't do this. He can't lose her. Joanna.

"It is true."

"I can't do this. I can't." He didn't know what to do.

"We can hide this from you." They offered him.

"Do it." He agreed immediately, because he didn't want this knowledge. This was too much – this pain.

He felt them moving closer to him, the brush of a robe. Memories were rushing through his mind again, too quickly for him to process. The room was dimming.

"He is leaving."

"We do not have enough time."

"There is another way."

He opened his eyes into a dark room. A face filled his vision – small, with huge dark eyes and messy hair. He could see her mouth moving, but couldn't hear the words – she was too familiar, the face too well known. He recoiled in terror, in disbelief. Then his eyes closed into nothing.

When he opened his eyes again everything had changed. The room was familiar, and not for any good reason, dimly lit with windows looking out across San Francisco bay. The man in the white uniform looked up and scowled at him.

"Keep your head on that pillow Jim. I'm not having any of your antics." Since he had no desire to sit up with the headache he had he remained obedient. "You know, you could have waited until I was back to my own sickbay before doing something so damn stupid."

Stupid... The memories flashed back through his mind so fast that his shut his eyes to stop himself vomiting. Memories of a woman. He attempted to see her, to picture her face, but there was nothing.

"Captain?" Spock was speaking to him and he opened his eyes as Bones scanned him with a frown on his face.

"What happened?" He asked vaguely.

"You were hit with some sort of pulse."

"A pulse?"

"We are unclear as to its nature. Miss McCoy has reported you were unconscious for mere seconds, awoke momentarily, then began to have some sort of seizure."

"It fried your brain. You've been unconscious for two days Jim." Bones added.

Two days? Wait a minute...? "What do you mean it fried my brain?"

The doctor shrugged. "I mean there's a bit of your brain on scans that's no longer functioning. Apparently it's not the part with common sense, because you damn well have never had that in the first place."

He frowned and assessed the memories of what had happened. It was mere fragments – words and robes and voices. He tried to focus. "Is it an important part?" What if they took the Enterprise from him because of this?

McCoy shrugged and assessed a screen full of what seemed to be yellow lines. "It's hard to be sure, but I'd guess probably not. I've got normal neuronal responses from all your motor and sensory areas. The lesion is in the area that processes short term memory, but since you seem to remember enough of my conversation that you can ask a sensible question after, I'd say even its grossly intact. I'll need to do more tests of course." Of course. When did Bones not want to run tests on him?

"Captain, what is the last thing you remember?" Spock turned to him.

Remember? He turned his mind back. Images and emotions that threatened to overwhelm him. 'We can take it from you', they'd offered. And he, like a fool, had let them. But they'd only partially done what they said they had. He remembered. He remembered being with her. Loving her. Losing her. But he didn't know who she was.

He turned to the Vulcan, ready to tell him everything instinctively. And then stopped. Because what did he say? I've just met some higher beings, and they've told me I'm going to do something that will save or destroy universe – or at least our dimension or something, and it's all because I fall in love. Only the woman I fall in love with is going to die? It sounded crazy, even to him. Maybe it hadn't been real. Maybe it was a projection of his unconscious, damaged mind? Logically speaking, that sounded sensible – the sort of thing that Spock would probably say anyway. But instinctively he knew those feelings he'd felt had been real. He'd never felt love before, never even imagined what it would feel like. He wasn't sure his mind could conjure something like that up. And that pain. He'd recently almost lost his ship. He _had_ lost his life. But nothing compared to the pain he'd just felt – that he would feel. It terrified him.

"I remember a flash of red light. The last thing I saw was Joanna speaking to me. Then nothing." He lied. Joanna... He remembered the panic when he'd seen her, but for the life of him couldn't remember why. Poor kid, he'd probably terrified her. "Joanna? Is she okay?"

"She's fine." Bones replied tersely. "You scared the hell out of her."

Spock bowed his head in acknowledgement. "She indeed did seem distressed. However, she was able to give a very accurate account of what happened."

"Of course she did – she's got a damn eidetic memory." Bones frowned at the Vulcan.

"Has she now?" Jim exchanged a glance with Spock to silence him before he pointed out he already knew. Things would not go down well if the doctor found out that they had known about her memory before he had. "Well that's good. What did she say?"

"That she'd previously opened and assessed the box with no ill effects."

"That's what she told me too."

"Indeed. It is likely that the unknown weapon was somehow programmed to react only to you."

Wait – he was missing something. "Weapon? Why are we assuming that this is a weapon?"

"You mean other than the fact it's taken a chunk of your brain?" Bones retorted.

"Yes – other than that."

Spock and Bones glanced at one another. He instantly knew that didn't bode well. "Captain, perhaps we should wait until you are feeling stronger before-."

"Tell me now." He interrupted.

Still Spock hesitated. "I interviewed Joanna extensively. She was able to provide us with an accurate representation of the Human male who gave her the object."

Jim frowned at him. "And..?"

Spock handed him a PADD. On it was a picture drawn so accurately that there was no doubt as to who it was. Khan. Khan had given it to her? How was that possible? He sat stunned for a moment. "Well." He finally declared. "Joanna certainly gets her artistic skills from her mother."

Bones smiled slightly. "Damn right. You wouldn't believe it was drawn by a nine-year-old, would you?"

Spock frowned at them both. "Forgive me, captain, but I believe that you fail to understand the significance-."

"I understand plenty." Jim interrupted. "Although I got lost at why."

"Indeed." Spock agreed. "However, Khan is both brilliant and logical-."

"Also known as an evil psychopath." Bones added.

Spock ignored him. "It is logical that he would want to eliminate any predetermined threat. We already know he has access to technology more advanced than our current abilities. Your contact with Miss McCoy, although not widely known, could be inferred based on your relationship with her father. He might assume that she would show her father the item, and he would therefore show you. Although to do this one would assume he had assessed her personality to correct judge the impulsivity that she suffers from."

"That's my daughter, damn it." McCoy ground out.

"Easy Bones." Jim murmured, frowning. His mind working quickly. "I think you're wrong, Spock, on two counts."

"Indeed captain? Please go on."

"Well, until the ship opened fire on that room in Starfleet Headquarters, neither you nor I were involved with Khan at all. He had no personal grudge against us, no reason why this would become personal. We were no more threat to him than anyone else in the room, and quite likely less. Joanna gave me the impression she's had the box for a while – since before that incident. So why would he give it to her? And why would he be targeting me?"

"An interesting point, captain. However, your reputation often proceeds you. Perhaps he had anticipated that you would no fail to follow him?" Maybe... But he'd lost his ship, and had Pike not died, it would have been him, not Jim that had been following. Then he recalled something else. Something that made his heart sink. They'd warned him, hadn't they, that there had been another? Someone else who had been told, as he had, his role in things. Surely they didn't mean...? "And your second point?" Spock continued.

He forced his mind back to the present. "Joanna. Even if he did have a grudge against me for some unknown reason, why would he give it to Joanna? There are plenty of far easier ways to make sure I got and opened it. He would know I wouldn't be able to resist."

"That's what I said." Bones murmured. His hands were shaking slightly again, and Jim knew that although he was calm now when he'd first realised that Khan was Joanna's mysterious benefactor he probably hadn't taken it well. "To think that that... that..." Bones lost for a scathing word was never a good sign. "_He_ was with her... was talking to her. It makes me sick, damn it."

"Talking to her? What did he say?"

Spock analysed a PADD in his hands. "We are fortunate that Joanna's memory is accurate. She reports that he said he was glad to meet her – and that they would meet again."

"Not while I live" Bones muttered.

"She also said that he told her that one day some would call her special, and that she would be the downfall of many men."

"Hell..." Bones was looking sicker. Clearly this was the first time he'd heard this part.

"Some call her special now, Bones." He pointed out in reassurance. "How many Humans have eidetic memories and are educated by Vulcans? Khan could have read that in any of her school reports. And as for the other part, well any one can see that plenty of boys will be after Joanna one day, even with a grumpy old man as her father."

"They can try..." Bones looked slightly better. However Jim couldn't quite shake the feeling that his reassurance was hollow.

"Anything else?" Jim prompted.  
>Spock paused again, almost unsure whether to mention the last part. "This may be irrelevant captain, but given our last mission I cannot dismiss it. I believe he said something to her about the Klingons. However, Joanna would not discuss this no further, and was distressed sufficiently that I did not push her." Klingons? Images flashed into his mind but were again gone.<p>

Bones snorted, but looked worried. "What, Spock showing a modicum of empathy? Well knock me down with a feather."

"Doctor, I assure you that I am quite capable of questioning and interacting with children."

"Oh I bet. You'll be real comforting, assuring them that their behaviour isn't logical and all."

"Gentlemen." Jim interrupted the argument before it could go any further. "Let's stay focused. What have you done with the box?"  
>"It is currently in the weapons department, being assessed by Doctor Marcus. However, with your permission, I would have it beamed to the Enterprise for further assessment."<p>

Hmm... Doctor Marcus... He could use Doctor Marcus on this. She was certainly pretty too. He could use her in other places. But there was that pain in his chest again. "Agreed, Mister Spock. And if you would be so kind as to beam Doctor Marcus with it."

Spock immediately understood his meaning as Bones rolled his eyes. "I shall put in the request for transfer immediately."

"Very good." He sighed. "Well, there's a whole lot of questions, but few answers right now and I have a feeling we're not going to get any quickly. Bones you need to get some rest – you look awful."

The doctor scowled at him. "Well perhaps if I had fewer patients recently I would be able to get some sleep. But someone decided to go and do something stupid again."

"I'm very grateful for your ministrations."

"Yeah right. We both know if I go you're going to get up and do something stupid again."

He sighed. "I promise that I will stay in this bed Bones. Just go and sleep."

The doctor weighed him up levelly. "Fine. But I'm having Doctor Miso look in on you."

"If you have to..."

The doctor snorted. "I do." But he checked his charts again and squeezed his shoulder. A thought occurred to him before he left.

"Bones? Why did Joanna call her cat Khan?"

"Khan? Isn't that your cat?"

"Yes – but she named him. She said you'd mentioned the name in one of your letters."

"What, Khan? The first time I heard that name was when I met that cat. And that... psychopath."

"Oh right. I must have been wrong." He retorted quickly. He didn't even know why he'd asked. The doctor nodded and disappeared.

Spock continued to view him levelly. "You know, you can go too Spock. I don't think I need a minder."

"Is there anything else you want to share, Jim?" Clearly he could sense he was hiding something.

Jim smiled at him. "I assure you, if it becomes relevant I shall."

"I see. You are attempting humour by reflecting my words back."

"Something like that. Is there anything _you_ want to share?"

The man turned to gaze out of the window. "I believe the box is a very poor weapon. There would be many other more effective methods to facilitate your demise."

"You're probably right. But perhaps it's not a weapon."

"Indeed. But if it was not a weapon, what is its purpose?"

"No idea." He lied.

"It is perplexing."

"You have no idea. But Khan is neutralised, so I think I'm going to sleep alright tonight irrelevant." Honestly, he wasn't sure if he was ever going to sleep again.

"Perhaps. It was unwise, captain, to open a box given to you by a child."

"Not you too." He sighed. "I trust Joanna, Spock."

"I see. Interesting."

"If you say so. Good night Spock. Say hi to Uhura."

"Goodnight captain."

He counted to sixty after Spock left. Then he turned his focus back on the door. "Joanna?"

He waited. Then a small face peered around the door. He was right. He'd suspected she'd come.

"Hi." Her voice was very small. He'd never seen her look so anxious.

"Hi." She paused and he smiled at her. "Are you going to come in?"

"Are you angry with me still?"

Angry... What the hell had that been, that reaction to her? She was just a child. She was hardly going to be the woman he was going to fall in love with. Damn, why had he told them to take the memories? "Nope. I'm sorry about that. I was pretty out of things, Joanna."

She nodded and moved into the room. "I'm really sorry Jim. I swear, I thought it was empty. I didn't know that the man who gave it was bad or-."

"It's alright. I know."

"You do?"

"Of course."

"I was worried you were dead." She looked exhausted, he realised, and on her verge of tears.

He chuckled more lightly than he felt. "I'm lucky Joanna – and pretty hard to kill."

"I guess." She sat down on the end of his bed and tucked her feet under her legs. "What did it do?"

"Gave me a nasty headache."  
>She looked sceptical. "Did it hurt? It looked like it hurt."<p>

He remembered that pain, like a knife in his heart, and realised in a moment of clarity that he could stop this. He had to stop this. Surely this woman, whoever she was, didn't have to die if he never fell in love with her? If he never fell in love he wouldn't have to make that choice. The universe was safe. He could fight this. He could prevent this. He could win.

"It only hurt for a moment."

"Okay." She looked like she was going to cry again. She was over tired. He wondered when she last slept. He felt a wave of affection for her because she'd worried about him and had no reason to other than that they were friends. Some words came back to him. They'd told him he could lose everything he cared about. Joanna would be dead. Her father would be dead. Spock would dead. Everyone else. His ship. His planet. There was nothing for it. He swore to himself right then and there that he would never fall in love.

But now he had to deal with the tears. "Why don't you get some sleep Joanna?"

"I can't sleep." She looked at him, wrapped her arms around her knees. "Will you tell me a story?

"A story?"

"Yes."

He couldn't refuse her when she was like this. "Okay..."

He had no idea what story to tell a nine year old. All that was in his mind were those images, those memories. But he was Jim Kirk – he'd work with what he had. He made a desperate attempt to link the images, to form a story from them, adding bits to fill the blanks. And then there was one image that he couldn't forget. A girl in white dress, standing on a hill, arms extended to the sky. The woman he had to go to.

"Once upon a time there was a girl with a red balloon..."

_A/N – Well... that's that... I'm sure many of you have already guessed who she was, and of course this is very much linked with what happens when Joanna is 18. Hopefully I'm not losing you all in the complexity. I promise all will become very clear in time. Please review and let me know what you think! The song for the next chapter is Lightning Bolts by Iko. Thanks for reading._


	25. Revenge

24. Revenge

_A/N – Hi everyone – don't faint, but it's another update! I hoped you liked the last chapter – I hadn't realised that Into Darkness came out in the UK before many other places, so apologies if you had to had to use some self-control and not read it (and kudos to you). This unfortunately isn't the most action packed of chapters (I also hate filler chapters, but they're necessary for the storyline and character development) – however the action is back from the next one. Joanna is about to deal with the aftermath and a whole lot of awkwardness! Thanks for reading._

And all this talk of

Having you around

Has knocked me right off course

And at the edge of the map

So take a minute to

Gather this thought alone

I love your lightning

Bolts

_Lightning Bolts - Iko_

"Tickle us, do we not laugh? Prick us, do we not bleed? Wrong us, shall we not revenge?" – _General Chang, Star Trek VI_

Joanna was swimming, clawing her way to the surface. Darkness was dragging her back down but she fought it with all she had. Occasionally she heard murmured words around her, but they were garbled and detached as she was sucked back into nothing to fight the battle again.

"Jim." She eventually managed to gasp his name. She felt hot hands on her face and knew it was him. He was safe. She could fight no more, and let the darkness take her.

Awareness seeped back slowly. She was warm. She basked in it for a while, not ready to awaken. However, it was just a matter of time. Memories seeped back into her consciousness, hot balls of hurt that she didn't have the strength to push away. A girl... A red light... The cold... She tried to move her arms and realised she couldn't, that she was in pain, and then she panicked.

"Easy, Sassy. It's okay." Jim's voice penetrated her mind.

She struggled to open her eyes, gasping for breath. It was dark in the room and she was completely disorientated. Were it not for Jim's presence next to her she would have fallen into full-out terror.

"It's alright. You're safe. Go back to sleep." His voice was soothing, and his body was warm next to her. She couldn't think straight. There was something... something important...

She felt him stroke her hair. His face was next to hers but she couldn't make it out in the darkness. "Jim?"

"That's me."

"Where...? What...?"

"Later. Hy'Lar gave me orders to make sure you sleep."

"He's safe?"

"Yes."

The fear in her chest was easing as she tried to remember. Her mind was thick, like treacle, and all she wanted to do was go back to sleep. The girl. The girl with that tattoo down her neck.

"Adigeon..."

"What?"

"I need... to go back to Adigeon."

She felt Jim frown. "We'll talk about that later."

"No." Time was running out. She had no choice. "Please Jim. Please..." The darkness reached out to take her. She was so tired of fighting.

She felt him stroke her face. "Alright. Go back to sleep Joanna." And then there was nothing.

When she next awoke her mind was clearer, more like herself again. Everything came back instantly. Somehow she was alive. Jim had found her in time. She opened her eyes into darkness, poking her memories like a sore tooth. She knew she should feel glad. All she felt was the sickness in the pit of her stomach, the memory of another close call and a lonely death. It hadn't happened. There was no use obsessing over it – especially when there were many other things that were more pressing. But there was the face of that girl – the girl she couldn't save.

She catalogued her injuries. Her arms and legs ached so deeply that she wasn't sure she was going to be able move any time soon – she'd exhausted all her reserves. That was unfortunate. She knew she needed rest, and rest was the last thing she'd be able to get at the moment. Maybe if there weren't a few hundred people out to kill her and the most important meeting of her life in three days... Maybe not.

"You know, you did tell me you weren't going to be jumping off anything else this trip." Jim's voice arose from somewhere to her left. She managed to turn her head and saw him seated in a chair, legs propped up on her bed. "Then again I should have known you wouldn't be able to resist."

She attempted a smile. "I think I said I wouldn't be jumping off anything _with you_." Her voice was hoarse, and she immediately started to cough. Damn, it felt like she'd swallowed knives.

"Here." He passed her a glass of water. She moved to take it, but her hand shook so badly that she'd spilt half the contents without managing to secure the cup. Damn it. She had no time for weakness – especially in front of Jim.

Jim made no comment, something that she was immeasurably grateful for, and instead sat on the bed next to her and helped her to sip it.

"What happened?" She asked when he'd carefully sat her back.

He stretched out on the bed next to her, hands behind his head. "Hy'Lar got intercepted by a clean-up crew. They saw he was on the way to get someone, so he had no choice but to let them pick me up. We overpowered them and came to get you. That's about the run of it."

She remembered the icy cold. The girl. "I thought I was dead."

"You had no pulse when we pulled you out. If it hadn't been for the cold you might have been." He sounded unusually serious, strained.

The irony of owing her life to the cold didn't escape her. "Well, thank you – for saving me." It seemed grossly inadequate.

"No problem."

They sat in silence for a moment in the darkness, a strange tension between them. He'd kissed her, she suddenly realised. And it had been a good kiss. A really, really good kiss – but then of course Jim was a good kisser. It wasn't as if he hadn't had enough practice. After all, Jim had kissed... more than kissed... more women than she'd probably seen in her life. It didn't mean anything. Jim kissing a woman _couldn't_ mean anything when it was as common place as him getting dressed in the morning. That derailed her thoughts suddenly.

"I'm naked under here, aren't I?"

"Yep." He sounded awkward, which just made her awkward. She was expecting some blasé comment. Unless...

"Did you...?" Please say it hadn't been him that had undressed her.

"Yes."

She fought off a groan. He'd seen her naked. She suddenly felt very self-conscious. Given its current condition, her body was the last thing she wanted him to see – not that she'd ever live up to every other woman he'd ever... Hell, no, she wasn't going there. She prayed he'd been too distracted to see her tattoo. She didn't regret it, but he might wrongly interpret it... or rightly interpret it. She wasn't sure which was worse. Besides, it was hardly like Jim thought of her like that. One kiss with the only woman he'd been around in days did _not_ mean anything – and it had been part of their cover, at least in the beginning. She had been without Human contact for far too long, adding unnecessary significance to everything. Not that she liked the idea of him undressing her. Alright, that was untrue – but in her girlish fantasies when he'd undressed her she'd been awake at the very least.

"Well this is embarrassing." She finally muttered.

"I didn't look." He pointed out. Really? Because that was not the Jim she knew. She fixed him with a sceptical look in the darkness and he laughed uncomfortably and ran a hand through his hair. "Alright, I looked. Only for a second. Then I remembered you were..." He trailed off.

"I was what?"

"You." He finished, and her heart sunk even lower. This was what happened when she allowed herself to let a kiss side-track her. The problem was that when a memory became the one thing that caused you to fight to live, you couldn't help but add a significance to it, however inappropriate. Don't be an idiot, she told herself.

She cleared her throat, forced herself to remedy the situation. "Well... I suppose I can't really get my knickers in a twist when I'm not wearing any."

Jim burst into laughter, and the tension was immediately gone. "And I would add that the circumstances were extenuating."

"Really? Because I do recall, Kirk, you telling me that the only time you'd undress me was if I was on fire."

Jim grinned. "So I did. A clear oversight on my part. I honestly couldn't think of another decent reason to undress you at the time. Clearly I underestimated you." His tone became more serious. "I've always been far too short-sighted when it came to you, Sassy. I never seem to see what's coming until it hits me."

She felt his eyes on her in the darkness, but had no idea of the expression they read. "Well welcome to my world. We can't all be geniuses, a step ahead of the game."

He smiled at her. "I don't know, you seem to be doing alright."

"No, I'm not." She had, after all, been forced to jump into an icy ocean, rather than be captured. That was not the sort of forethought she usually applied to a situation. She liked to plan. "I would have died if you hadn't found me." And that scared her. She had to rely on herself, had to save herself. Depending on people got you killed. And yet he saved her again. "How _did_ you find me?"

Jim shrugged. "We scanned the surface."

She frowned at him, mind quickly considering this. "There's no way you found me on scanners. Hy'Lar couldn't lock on to us to transport because of the interference." She turned and studied his face in the dim light of the streaming stars. He was looking at the ceiling. He was avoiding telling her something. She knew Jim's body language better than her own. "How did you find me Jim?"

"I got lucky."

That's what he'd said before, when he'd found her on Jaros. And he'd told her he'd used his tricorder... only he wasn't carrying a tricorder. She knew that – if he'd had one he'd have used it on Omicron. She was an idiot. How could she have missed something so important? This was what happened when she allowed him to distract her. Antonia would have never missed something so obvious. She would have never allowed herself to be distracted by emotions. She had been right to be suspicious. Jim had conveniently found her, first on Adigeon, then Jaros, and now Omicron. Had he lied about not being involved? She was sure he hadn't, but he was Starfleet and had his own code of conduct. She felt a sudden need to flee, to put some distance between them, but her immobility meant she couldn't. Instead she spoke the conclusion she'd inevitably come to.

"You bugged me." She sounded hurt. She _was_ hurt, and she was still too vulnerable to disguise it.

He turned on his side to face her. "It wasn't like that, Sassy."

"Then what the hell was it like?"

He reached out, under the covers, and before she'd even attempted to defend herself he'd taken her necklace in his hand. The necklace. She remembered what she'd seen. Of course. She was an idiot.

"You can track me using it?" Her voice was small.

"Yes." Hell, how long had he been using it for? Since she was a child? He hadn't told her what it really was – just elicited a promise from her that she wear it, and she hadn't asked, sure that she could find its secrets herself. But now a great many situations from her past made sense. And made her feel... cared for.

She took it from his hand and studied it in the darkness as she recalled every detail of it in her mind. "It glowed red."

"It does, when you hit it with the right wavelength of radiation." He'd told her that before, hadn't he?

"No before... There was a girl... an Omicron girl..." The girl she could not forget, despite the pain it caused to her chest. She could never forget. Her memory was her curse.

"When?"

"On the surface. She was a survivor." She swallowed. "She couldn't swim and when the storm got bad I couldn't..." She forced the words out. "It was too cold. She slid out of my arms and I couldn't get to her."

"I'm sorry." His voice was sincere and she felt the tears come to her eyes. Glad of the darkness she choked them back. Jim didn't like tears.

She shut her eyes and continued. "She whistled and it glowed."

"Whistled?"

"Yes. I'd show you but I don't think I can whistle at the moment." She glanced up at him. His eyes were unwaveringly on her face. "Where did you get it from?"

"You know where Joanna." She did – she remembered that time. She remembered every detail. His pain. The dead woman. Her own fears. That seemed like a long time ago. She'd been so young. So naive.

"I do. But _where_ did you get it from? I always assumed that you'd picked it up on your travels and given it to her."

Jim shook his head. "You were the only person I gave it to." His voice was soft. "She... well it's complicated but she meant for me to have it. I'd seen something similar before and when I saw her wearing it I wanted to know what it was. She didn't have many answers for me. The stones are rare, even on her planet. When she died... she made it clear to her people that I was to have it."

There was pain in his eyes, even now. She reached out with a shaking hand and took his. "But why did you give it to me?" There were plenty of easier ways to bug her.

She felt him take a slow breath. "Well... there was someone that I needed to make sure would never have it. By giving it to you I thought I'd protect it from them. But it made no difference in the end." He watched her, his eyes full of something complex in the darkness that made her blood sing and her heart beat.

"That's a very cryptic answer." She gave him a soft smile.

"I've been learning from the best." He grinned but even in the darkness she could see his eyes didn't reflect it. "Frustrating, isn't it?"

"Yes." She didn't push for answers. She could see he'd give her none. Some things Jim wasn't willing to talk about – whilst sober at any rate. She had been wrong to doubt him. But she was so scared of what he would do if he found out what she knew. "I will tell you everything Jim." She promised him, surprising herself.

"But not now?"

"No. I have to do something first."  
>"Hence our trip to Adigeon again?"<p>

"Yes."

"Well I can wait until then." He smiled slightly. "I'm glad that you've decided I've got no evil intentions again."

"I'm sorry." She shut her eyes. "But I don't know who to trust anymore. There's so much riding on this, Jim."

"And there are so many people trying to kill you."

"That too." And she was scared. Really scared that she would fail.

He reached over and wrapped an arm across her chest, hugging her close. "I can't make you believe it, Sassy, but you can trust me."

"I know I can." There was that electricity that was always there when she was close to him, like lightning. But despite, or perhaps because, of its presence she felt comfortable in his arms. She trusted this man with her life. Perhaps not with many other things, including her heart, but certainly with her life. They were silent for a while, content. "You know, you really are very warm."

He held her closer for a moment and she smiled into his chest. "I have to say that's usually not the response I get when I'm holding a woman."

"Well I'm trying to focus on your redeeming qualities."

She felt him chuckle and it filled her with warmth. "I have numerous, I assure you. However I don't think you're physically fit for them."

She laughed. Jim's fake flirting was always a reality-check. "Thank goodness."

"Certainly not a typical response either. I'm going to have to teach you, before you let down the entirety of femininity. You know, most women would love to be undressed by me."

"Most women are conscious when you undress them."

"Touché." He finally released her and sat up again. "Now you should probably drink something. All this talking will be hurting you. Salt water does nasty things to your throat."

She wasn't sure she wanted to know how he'd found that one out, but allowed him to help her sip water. When she'd had her fill he laid her back down and gave her an expectant look. "I do have one question for you, Joanna, that's driving me insane."

"Really? Just one?"

"Well, plenty fit that bill, but the one that's annoying me the most at any rate. Can I ask it?"

"I can't stop you."

"You could, you know. With just a word." His voice had taken on that familiar sound.

She smiled. "Quit trying to be charming and just ask."

"How did you get your Vulcan headteacher to owe you?"

She raised an eyebrow. "Really? That's your burning question?"

"Spock's one of my best friends and he's never owed me anything. He can talk his way out of most things. In fact, come to think of it, I usually owe him. What the hell did you do?"

"I saved his life."

Jim studied her face. "Saved his life? Is that all? I've saved Spock a few times and never had that response. Not that he wouldn't do the same for me."

"Well, all people are different."

"Not if they're obey the laws of logic. The Vulcans pride themselves on uniformity."

She would have pointed out that Spock was only half-Vulcan, but knew she was fighting a losing battle. "Well, the circumstances were somewhat... awkward. I was the only one around who could really help him – and I didn't have to."

The look of dawning comprehension on Jim's face was amusing. "Wait a minute... Are you saying-."

"He was going through his Pon Farr."

Jim let out a sharp breath, knowing instantly what that meant. "You are joking. Seriously, please tell me you're joking. With your headteacher? I mean... I know it was to save him, but... He's... well he's over a hundred years old." There was such a look of shock on Jim's face that she laughed again.

"I've never had a problem with age..."

He turned to study her, face very serious. "Really, did you do that?"

The expression in his eyes made her instantly stop teasing. "No. I didn't sleep with him." They had come close, at one point, as she struggled for control, but that would have been too far, even for her eighteen year old self. "I melded with him. I had some experience in controlling my own emotions, and knew how to guide him through it." She'd done something similar before – but hadn't quite appreciated that as a Vulcan aged their emotions only grew stronger. It had been one of the most difficult things she'd ever done. But despite the danger posed to them both she couldn't abandon him, couldn't watch him lose the dignity that she'd always respected. It had almost torn her mind apart. And that was why he owed her.

"Well..." Jim's eyes still studied her. "I suppose Spock's never going to owe me that favour."

"I don't know... an away mission at just the wrong time..."  
>"That's not even funny."<p>

"It is a bit."

"You have a sick sense of humour."

"Then why are you smiling?"

And he was, those blue eyes, almost black in the starlight, warm. "Because you always seem to manage to make me, kid."

"Don't call me kid."

"Alright, Sassy." He reached out and traced her face and she felt her heart beat stutter as the electricity sparked. She was suddenly very, very aware that she was naked under a sheet and he was close. She had no idea how he did that, making her weak with just a touch, or a smile or a look. Good grief, you would think she'd be used to it – she'd known him for long enough. He leaned in closer and just when she thought he was going to kiss her, and she wasn't sure whether she wanted it again or not, but couldn't do much about it in her current state irrelevant, he pulled away. And she felt... disappointed.

"I should let you rest, Joanna. I need to take over from Hy'Lar."

"Alright." She said softly. This was insane. She was insane. She needed to get used to having him around. She couldn't let him wreck her emotions, her control, the way she was. The problem was he was... Jim.

He stood, stretched and turned from her to the door. But he paused in the doorway, back to her. "Just so we're clear, Joanna, you are going to tell me what you're planning to do on Adigeon – before you do it." It was his captain's voice – a voice that was hard to disobey.

She felt her heart sink – because her plan was still a bit sketchy at present but she was fairly sure he wasn't going to like it. "Alright." She agreed slowly. She'd have to convince him somehow. Because she _was_ going to do this. The girl – all the people on that planet that had been killed – she would make sure they weren't forgotten. And to do that, she needed information.

She slept again for a while. When she awoke she forced herself to plan. It was frustrating without a PADD and her notes but she didn't dare try and get up yet – not if she was going to pull this off. She pulled her mind inwards, forcing into well-known forms. Once she was calm and remote and processed all she had last seen. There was a great deal. Then she considered what she might do. She would have to play with what she had – which admittedly wasn't a great deal. She assessed her body. Her arms felt stronger – she could lift a hand to her face now. In a few hours she might be able to walk – though if it came to a fight she'd be up the creek without a paddle as grandma would say, and considering what she was planning there was invariably going to be a fight on her part. She would have to be smart. Play to her strengths. And she had leverage – it would be enough to see her through this.

A nag to her senses told her she was being watched and she looked up into Hy'Lar's waiting eyes.

"Forgive me. You were meditating."

"It's alright." She smiled at her friend. He was carrying a steaming bowl of what appeared to be soup. "Actually you were just the person I wanted to see. Did you manage to retrieve my bag?"

"Yes. It is in the holding bay."

Good. That was good. Her lenses were gone in the water, but she'd still have the PADDs. She'd need to copy them when she next had a moment. And she'd need to report something to her handler as to why she'd lost the lenses and been out of contact. That was going to take some careful engineering. He was smarter than her, and could spot a lie from another quadrant. It was why she didn't make a habit of lying to him. Then she realised belatedly that she was speaking to her friend in entirely the wrong order.

"I'm glad you're alright, Hy'Lar. I was worried when I saw the sign."

"I was also concerned. You were very close to death when the captain brought you out of the ocean. We were both concerned you might not pull through."

"Luckily for me I had you."

"Perhaps." He approached closer and took the chair next to her bed. "Was it worth it?"

"Yes. I think so."

He nodded his understanding. One of the things she liked about him was he never judged her. Questioned her regularly, gave his opinions, but never judged her. "Your body has been severely stressed. You will not recover immediately."

"I know. But I don't have much time to rest. I need to get to Adigeon before my target escapes."

Hy'Lar nodded and began to feed her soup in that subtle way of his that meant she hadn't realised she was eating it until she was.

"We took hostages."

"Is that so?" She gave him the courtesy of not judging him back – Hy'Lar had promised he would never torture again and she believed him. Considering he was an empath he had plenty of other ways of removing information from people. She focused on trying to swallow the soup. It was Starfleet rations. She hated rations. "What did you find?"

"Very little. Many of the workers had been hired via Trasta – the sort of people that few would notice when they disappeared. They were told they were working on something to bring down the Federation – and I think most saw the ships and inferred it was going to be some sort of war. The ships themselves interested them – I believe they require little crew and have an impressive arsenal. Certainly they seem to be more advanced than any ship I'm familiar with in Starfleet – but the captain could tell you more."

The captain... "When did you work out who he was?" She asked.

"Moments after our meeting. Most people in my profession have come across Captain Krik and his ship at some point."

"Your _past_ profession." She softly corrected him. She attempted to defend Jim from the conclusions that she knew the man would invariably take. "He's different from most Starfleet captains, you know."

"So I have gathered."

She studied him thoughtfully. Considering what he'd said in the past, that was almost praise. "Well, that is an improvement."

"I have resigned myself to his presence. He did save your life."

He had. Multiple times. She moved back to the more important subject. "The ships – did they look like Starfleet vessels to you?" They had to her, and yet... not quite. She hadn't realised until she'd gone back and looked at the memory. She'd been too shocked at the time. But now she could clearly see the differences. Starfleet vessels were not built for war – to defend themselves, yes, but not for war. The Enterprise was slim and elegant. It was built for exploration - speed and sustainability on deep space missions. These had been... well chunky.

"In general form, yes. But in most other ways, no. There would be no mistaking them for Starfleet vessels." He agreed. They'd built something similar but distinct. That was disturbing.

"Did they know their destination?"

"No. They think they're grouping at the same place but they had no coordinates."

"I suppose I would have been suspicious if they had known."

"Indeed. The investors of these ships have gone to great lengths to cover their tracks." He frowned. "Your impending meeting is becoming increasingly dangerous Joanna. Perhaps you should-."

"No." Her voice was firm, and she hastened to gentle it. "No. This is my only way in."

"Given what you've seen do you think they will trust you?"

"No. But I think I can make them want me."

The Mazarite sighed and placed the empty bowl next to the bed. "I'm not even convinced you know who they are."

"Nor am I." She said honestly. Because this was more than the Syndicate. This was something... else. It was as her instincts had been telling her. So she would trace it to the top, as Breakwater had. Only what he'd found was so bad, so terrible that he'd done the unthinkable. "Did you manage to find who had taken out the contract on me?"

Hy'Lar shook his head. "I have a lead – but he will only speak face to face."

Damn. She hadn't planned for that. "When can you do it?"

"As soon as possible."

"Alright." She would have to modify things a bit.

"We have dropped out of warp." Hy'Lar pointed out after a moments silence.

She felt her heart beat in panic. She thought she had more time. Well there was nothing for it.

"We're here." Jim came and stood in the doorway. He looked tired but he gave her a smile that made her heart beat painfully. She was too stressed to return it. Adigeon Prime was not a place she'd ever wanted to return to. There were an army of people there just waiting for the chance to kill her. And it would still be raining. But today she was out of choices. And that was damn stupid.

"How long until someone starts noticing a Vulcan ship in orbit?" Adigeon was _not_ the place to bring a Vulcan ship. It was like waving latinum in front of a Ferengi.

"Thirty minutes, tops. What's the plan?"

Well there was nothing for it. "I need to get information from Dram Sarkat." She also needed to teach him what happened when he didn't take care of his belongings.

"Right." Jim had his captain face on still. "Do I know who that is?"

"The Cardassian you met at the bar."

"Ah, him." Something flickered across his face, but it was gone again.

"Why him?" Hy'Lar asked softly. "I believe you previously thought he was not highly ranked in the Syndicate."

She shook her head. "He isn't – not in the Syndicate. But he's involved with the ships. I met..." She couldn't talk about the girl again. Not if she wanted to keep this tight hold on herself. "I saw his mark."

Jim looked sceptical. "And you think that he's just going to tell you everything?"

"Don't be ridiculous. He won't tell me anything. He's a Cardassian. They carry everything they can't memorise on their person."

"Within their armour." Mazarite pointed out.

"Yes."

"And how, exactly are you planning to get into his armour?" Jim looked serious.

She shrugged. "I'm going to seduce him."

There was silence. Jim had gone still and Hy'Lar looked genuinely concerned.

"Joanna – you are currently in a weakened state." The Mazarite began. "You understand..."

"Yes. I understand exactly what seducing a Cardassian involves." She kept the bitterness from her voice. She had no choice. She needed the information he would have – she hoped he had because she sure as hell didn't know where to go next if he didn't. She would get revenge for the people who'd killed an entire species. And the only thing she had on the man, the only thing that he might want, was Antonia. "I can do this. I want you to take the ship – it's attracting too much attention here. Find your informant, then meet me in twenty-four hours."

"Very well." He clearly wasn't happy with her plan, but at least he agreed. He knew how important this name would be to her.

Jim still hadn't said anything. She wondered how the hell was going to convince him to go with Hy'Lar. "Jim, I need you to-."

"No." His voice was soft, but his eyes were hard. Damn. "There is no way you can seduce the Cardassian."

She bristled. He thought she couldn't do it? Well perhaps Joanna couldn't, but Antonia could. "Yes I damn well can. He's hardly the first man I've seduced." A look passed across his face, but it was instantly gone again.

"Perhaps, but you can barely stand."

"I'll manage. I _am_ doing this Jim."

"Right. You'll just proposition him into bed. You forget he's on Adigeon. There are plenty of hookers."

She felt like he'd slapped her. Naturally he believed no man would ever select her above other beautiful women. She was just a little girl to him. Reassuring anger filled her veins but she kept control carefully. "The only reason he's interested in Antonia is because she keeps work and play separate. She's a challenge to him – something he wants to possess. You'd know all about that."

A touch of darkness flickered across his face, but his expression remained blank. "So you'll sleep with him to get to the information he has?"

"If I have to, yes. Damn it Jim, don't judge me. I use what I have. It's hardly like you've never done it before."

His face was stony. "True." He watched her with an unreadable expression for a moment. "Well, then I'm coming."

This was exactly what she didn't want to happen. "Don't be an idiot. He's knows your face, Jim. It's not safe for you."

"Because it's going to be a walk in the park for you." He muttered. "The reason I'm coming is _because_ he's seen my face. He'll recognise me from the bar – and instantly identify me as the enemy. Jealousy is a powerful tool, Joanna."

"So what? Assuming that he doesn't shoot you immediately you're going to try and seduce me?" That was not what she had expected. It was a bad, bad idea.

He smiled slightly. It didn't reach his eyes. "I won't _try_. We both know I'm good at it. But obviously, the aim is for the Cardassian to win."

"Well that won't be hard." Jim. Seducing her – the Antonia her. There was everything wrong with the images that evoked. She didn't want Jim anywhere near Antonia. "And what if they recognise you as a Federation captain?"

"Well, that's a chance I'm willing to take – assuming you leave me with a phaser this time."

No. No, she didn't want this. She was not one of those women that was seduce by Jim. "I can do this without you."

"Maybe you could. But less than a day ago your heart stopped – so you're going to need all the help you can get. You hardly look the part." He glanced down her body and she looked down at herself in the bright light and saw the bruising on her arms. She felt another flicker of hurt despite the truthfulness. But she forced herself to look rationally, past the anger. Like it or not, it would increase her chances – assuming they let Jim live long enough. But there were implications of being seen with Jim. What if they realised he was Starfleet? What if they thought their second meeting wasn't coincidental? But damn – she needed that information. And she needed the Cardassian undressed for it. Even that thought made her internally shudder. How the hell was she going to do this?

"Fine." She added the new variable into her plan. "There's a locker near where you met me – in a bar opposite the meat market. The code is Delta four nine five six. I need you to beam the contents to me. Sarkat is at the Borealis Hotel, in the Judicial district. There's a party this evening that I'm sure he'll be attending. It's hosted by some of the key political players on the planet, and Sarkat has to make nice so they turn a blind eye to his business. It's our only chance – the only time we can be sure where he'll be, so we can't screw this up. We'll obviously arrive separately. When I've left with Sarkat there's an unused room I have at the Jariot hotel – under the name Marlena Moreau. I'll meet you there when I'm done."

"I'm supposed to just wait for you?" He didn't look amused.

"Yes. That's exactly what you're meant to do."

"And if you get into trouble?"

"I'll deal with it. I mean it Jim – you will put me in far more danger if you interfere."

He sighed. "Are you sure we couldn't just kidnap him and use Hy'Lar's... skills?"

"I need my cover intact. So no." The thought had, fleetingly, occurred to her of course.

He nodded. His face was captain-like again. "Alright then. I'd better get going before we get boarded." He gave her a fleeting smile that made her heart... hurt. "I put your knives by your bed."

She glanced at the table and found he had indeed – stacked in a rather impressive pile. She felt... wrong. She wanted the Jim back from earlier, the Jim who'd held her for hours to keep her warm and teased her. He was disappointed in her, and she hated it – but she hated the hypocrite in him more. And now she needed that anger.

"Thank you."

"I'll see you down there." She nodded and he disappeared through the door.

She realised that Hy'Lar was watching her carefully. She wondered what she was broadcasting.

"Will he be a problem?"

"I don't know." She didn't like admitting that.

"It will not be easy for you – this."

"I've done it before."

"Perhaps – but you have strong feelings for both men you will be involved with."

She sighed. "I'm very obvious to you, aren't I?"

"Very rarely."

She put her head in her hands, feeling almost hopeless. "I don't know if I can do this."

"You can do most things, Joanna. But consider how you will deal with it."

"I will try to find another way." But it wasn't looking likely.

"Do so." The Mazarite stood, taking her bowl. "This will affect him, you know." She tried to understand what that meant.

"Perhaps he'll suddenly realise I'm not a child anymore." If only.

"I believe he realised that some time ago." Hy'Lar looked serious and she couldn't tell if he was teasing or not.

She forced herself onto her feet by some miracle, making herself stretched through her routine, learning her current limits. Lotoc had taught her always to know what she had before going into any fights. Unfortunately it wasn't much. She was wobbly, her legs and arms a fraction of their usual strength. She needed more time and she didn't have it. She practiced with her phaser, but her motions were not smooth and she would probably have been safer throwing knives. Hell, what if she couldn't do this? She stood in the shower for a few minutes in tears allowing all the fears out, all the hurt from her time on Omicron. Then she closed it off and became Antonia. Hy'Lar brought through her bags, and she armed herself carefully then dressed. She'd been keeping a case for emergencies and this was one.

Hy'Lar watched her silently as she examined herself in the mirror with distaste. "You look beautiful." He finally said. The words flared disgust through her.

"For a Human." She tried to make light.

"For any species." She didn't want to be beautiful. There was no safety in beauty. It was just a face, a cover she put on, just like everything else.

"Stay safe. I'll see you in a day."

"You too." He gave her a probing look and she felt the tendrils gentle in her mind. "Don't forget which one of them you're supposed to be seducing."

_A/N – The song for the next chapter is Strange and beautiful by Aqualung. Thanks for reading and please review!_


	26. The Spy

25. The Spy

_A/N – Hi everyone. Apologies for being so long updating. I'm moving house, and you all know what a nightmare that is! However, this is the longest chapter yet – hooray! It's time we find out a bit more about Joanna's memory, and some other pieces of this puzzle. I'm rather overwhelmed by all the new followers and favourites. Thanks loads – and hopefully I don't let you down. Thanks for reading and please drop me a review._

I've been watching your world from afar,

I've been trying to be where you are,

And I've been secretly falling apart,

You see.

To me, you're strange and you're beautiful,

You'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see,

You turn every head but you don't see me.

_Strange and Beautiful – Aqualung_

"There's only one kind of woman..." – _Captain Kirk, Mudd's Women, TOS_

Stardate: 2264

Jim: Aged 31

Joanna: Aged 15

"Please dad." Joanna followed her father from their quarters at a desperate pace, attempting to keep up with him.

"No."

"Please? Please, please, please?"

Her father rolled his eyes but slowed slightly. "No Joanna. Are you going to follow me all the way to the damn transporter?"

"Yes."

"Great." He frowned darkly at her, but she wasn't fazed. She was fairly immune to his moods these days.

"It's not as if it's dangerous. You're just talking to scientists. I'll be good – I promise. I'll stay with the crew the whole time."

"No, Joanna."

"Please."

"No."

She attempted another tact from her fifteen year repertoire. "This is unfair, you know. How come you never let me do anything fun?"

"Away missions are not fun."

"Well how am I meant to know? You've never taken me on one. It's not my fault you're always grumpy when you have adventures."

"I'm not grumpy. And you are _not_ having an adventure." He gave her pointed look. "You've been having far too many of those at school."

She scowled at him. She knew he'd still be annoyed at that. What had she been supposed to do? The gang had been abducting children so obviously it was painful to watch the Cerberen authorities fumble around trying to catch them. Besides, it had only been a small fire, and everyone had got out safely. You'd have thought Professor Calros would have appreciated her efforts – after all she'd delivered the abductors to the authorities tied up – but she officially became the 'least logical, and most wayward child he had ever had the displeasure of meeting.' And then he'd written to her father, which was far worse than a year of detentions. "You are just proving me right, you know. It's mean not to let me come on something _safe_. Spock says it will be a good educational experience for me."

"I don't give a damn what he says."

"But the security-." She tried again.

"I don't care what the damn security report says either. I know Jim Kirk. If there's some murder-crazed madman, plot to usurp the government, or wronged female, you can be sure that they'll all waiting until he flies into the system."  
>"Now, that is not fair." A voice murmured from behind them. Her heart gave a stuttering response of recognition. "They usually wait until we're in orbit at least." Jim moved between them, and grinned down at her.<p>

"Hi Jim." She returned his smile and forcibly pushed the blush from her face.

"Hi Joanna." He didn't seem to see anything remiss and she relaxed slightly. She was getting better at hiding her emotions after years of lessons, but somehow being around Jim still made her feel, and act, like a lovesick teenager. Then again, she _was_ a lovesick teenager. It was only a crush, she reassured herself vehemently.

"I bet you put this damn idea into Spock's mind, didn't you?" The doctor scowled at him, oblivious to her inner turmoil.

"What idea would that be?"

"Me coming on the away mission." Joanna explained.

Jim glanced at her and she sent him a desperately pleading look. She'd been on the ship for two weeks, and she'd still never been on an away mission. She needed all the help she could get. If anyone could tip the scales in her favour, he could. "Nope, can't say I'm responsible, though I sort of wish I had been. It's a good idea."

"And it's educational." She added before her father could protest.

She saw the smile in Jim's eyes and warmed to it. "Oh absolutely. Very educational. Think of all those scientists."

"And they're talking on neural regeneration. That's your specialist subject, dad."

Jim nodded seriously. "I would think it would be very remiss if your own daughter were not educated in your subject, don't you?"

They were on a roll. "Especially since I want to be a nurse." Her dad was looking between them with a despairing look.

"And you of course want to help her with that endeavour, do you not?"

"And Christine says that my neurobiology needs improvement."

Her dad growled something under his breath and they paused to allow him to speak before he exploded. "Neither of you are going to allow me to say no, are you?"

"Nope." Joanna gave him her sweetest smile.

"I'm just trying to help you make a balanced decision." Jim pointed out. "Besides, you're just doing a presentation, Bones. The Daystrom Institute on Galor is one of the safest places in the galaxy. No one's tried to kill us for at least the last... three times we've been there."

He rolled his eyes. "Damn it Jim, for every one of those safe times there was one where someone was trying to kill us."

"Well yes, but we were usually only visiting _because_ someone was trying to kill us and we needed their expertise. Unless your paper is a hell of a lot more interesting than Christine let on, I think we're going to be safe."

Bones sighed. "If something goes wrong I'm blaming you."

Jim chuckled and smacked him on the back reassuringly, winking at her behind his back. "Of course you are." Joanna grinned. She knew what that meant. Somehow she was getting to come.

Christine was stacking equipment and talking softly to Spock when they entered the transporter bay. The woman looked amused at her presence but made no comment on it. She knew that Christine wouldn't mind her coming, but she always let her dad make the final decision when it came to matters of her safety. Frankly, she'd rather Christine made them. She seemed to have a more reasonable approach.

"Damn it, Chapel. Are you packing the kitchen sink too?" Her dad was scowling at the boxes like they were going to bite him.

Spock raised an eyebrow. "I assure you doctor, that cleansing facilities are abundant within the Institute. If you would recall-." Joanna knew the beginning of an argument when she saw one. Thankfully Christine did too.

"I think he means that I packed too heavily." She interrupted the Vulcan softly. She raised her eyebrows at him. "And he might have a point. However, since I was up re-writing the presentation most of the night, and have a four-year-old that decided he was going to stay up and jump on Joanna's bed, I didn't have time to streamline our packs."

Her dad frowned at her, but she recognised the apologetic frown as opposed to his usual scowl, and this was confirmed when he moved to help her. Joanna wasn't sure what he'd been doing last night, but she assumed he'd had a sick patient and he hadn't made it back to their quarters until the early hours. Given the way that his wife was viewing him however, and the grin that Jim was attempting to hide, she suspected he hadn't been doing anything near so wholesome.

"So... James was keeping you up last night?" Jim gave her an all too seeing look as crew moved the equipment and Spock spoke to Chekov.

"Not exactly..." She admitted with a slight smile. "He was helping me. He suspected that there may be monsters under my bed."

"That sounds serious."

"It was. Luckily, everyone knows that if you jump on the bed the child-eating aliens underneath are squished."

Jim chuckled. "Well, if James didn't know it, he does now." He gave her an affectionate look that made heat creep back into her cheeks.

Her brother was often scared of the beings (particularly the man-eating ones) that the crew encountered on their travels. Although he rarely personally encountered them, stuck in the schoolroom like he was, apparently the tales that he heard from the nurses were enough to keep him up at night. She was jealous of all the opportunities he had, no doubt, but when she saw how often he woke up with nightmares and crawled into his parent's bed she felt sorry for him. With Christine so busy last night she'd thought of a quick solution.

She nodded, mock-serious, and lowered her voice. "We decided to check the whole quarters. I believe that there was a particularly large monster under dad's bed. So large, in fact, that he might find it uncomfortable to sleep on tonight."

Jim grinned openly at that. "Maybe you should let your brother take the credit for that one. After all, your dad's not always logical after an away mission."

"I plan to." James was far cuter than her and she'd been very careful to extract a promise from him that he'd been fighting aliens on his own that night.

She turned her thoughts to more pressing problems and scanned the room. Joanna wasn't stupid – well no more stupid than the average Human at any rate – and felt like she knew Jim rather well by now. She glanced up at the man suspiciously. "So, are you all coming to hear dad's speech?" Jim would support her dad to the grave – but listening to lectures in neurology wasn't really his thing. Plus they were bringing a security team. And, if the panting chief engineer who'd just burst through the doors was any indication, not just Spock but Scotty and Chekov too. There was no way they were all coming to hear her dad and Christine give a talk. She was surprised her dad hadn't noticed yet, but she supposed he was distracted by his impending fear of transporters.

Jim gave her a level look. "Why wouldn't we be?"

She raised her eyebrow at him, then gestured around the room. "Dad's work is great and all, but all of you... Besides, five security staff seems a little excessive."

Jim gave her a long look, amusement in his eyes, then seemed to switch into captain mode. "Galloway, a word?"

His chief of security was at his side in moments, nodding at Joanna politely. She could see interest in his eyes, despite the calm of professionalism. "How can I help you, Captain?"

"You were right, five's probably going to be too obvious."

There wasn't even a hint of smugness across the man's face. Joanna found it oddly intimidating – as she did most paragons of Starfleet virtue. Galloway could be a poster-child for Starfleet with his handsome face and perfect uniform. Right now _she_ was certainly feeling a bit smug that she'd come to the correct conclusion. But Galloway was probably above such feelings. Most of Jim's crew were. She couldn't imagine any of them being cheerful or teasing him that they were right. She really needed to be better. Professor Calros was right. Starfleet would never take her if she didn't start becoming obedient and better at team work.

"Your orders captain?"

"Two should be enough. We can beam down more, should the situation change. I'll be relying on your appraisal of the situation."

"Yes sir. As I have previously stated, I believe the overall risk is low."

"I agree, as does Mister Spock. But I'd rather avoid any unnecessary disruption."  
>"Yes sir. Excuse me."<p>

Joanna watched him move back towards his men before glancing back at Jim. He smiled slightly, as if anticipating her questions.

"I know that look. But I can't tell you, Sassy."

"Captain secrets?"

"Something like that."

She nodded her understanding. She understood all about secrets. Besides, sometimes it was more fun working it out on her own. She liked a mystery. "Well, I'll just keep my eyes open."

Jim chuckled. "You do that. And don't tell your dad."

"What, and ruin any chance I have of coming? I don't think so." Jim laughed and her chest fluttered embarrassingly.

"Ready to beam captain." Chekov announced proudly, interrupting their conversation. Jim joined him, questioning calmly in his captain's voice. Anton hadn't really changed in all the years she'd known him. Somehow he still looked like a young boy – and regularly acted like one. But he seemed to like spending time with her, so she didn't mind. It was nice to feel more mature than someone nine years older than her. Then again, sometimes she felt like that with Jim. Perhaps it was a male thing? She'd have to ask Christine.

As if on cue Christine called her over, and embraced her with her free arm, her other full of PADDs. "I'm glad you could come."

"Me too. I didn't think I would convince dad."

"I had my doubts too." They exchanged a smile. "But I'm glad you'll be there. It's always nice to see a friendly face in the audience."

Joanna extrapolated this slightly, and glanced at the woman surprised. "You're nervous?" She couldn't imagine her nervous. Christine wasn't scared of anything – like her dad, or Jim or Uhura.

She nodded. "I'm not good at public speaking. I usually leave that side of things to your father."

"You'll be fine Chapel." Her father entered their conversation with a scowl. "Quit worrying over nothing and let's get on with this." She thought that was particularly harsh, even for her dad, and would have said something but Christine was already nodding.

"Let's." She gave her husband another pointed look and it occurred to her that she had had many years of practice dealing with her dad. "That way you can be back in time to put James to bed tonight."

Her dad muttered something under his breath that sounded like "Tyrant;" but they moved onto the transporter pad without further discussion. He gripped her hand in a vice-like grip as she fell in beside her. She wondered if he thought he was going to somehow lose her in the beaming process. "Energise."

It was always a strange sensation, having your atoms scattered to a new location. It felt like someone was pouring warm bubbles through your body, and your brain felt mushy for a moment, like you'd fallen asleep in one place and awoken in another. Uhura had told her that several species had their own word for that sensation – but Human's were behind the times, as in most things. Privately Joanna called it déjà-effervescence but it sounded rather stupid in her head, and would probably sound worse aloud. She really needed to find out the Vulcan word for it.

Her eyes fixated on the stone hall they'd beamed into as she adjusted herself. They were on a ledge at the far edge of the massive room – a beaming pad built into the patterned floor expertly. The hall had raised ceilings that seemed to twist upwards into impossible points like a giant cathedral, and the walls were made of glass that looked out into lakes and rolling hills.

"Wow." She murmured quietly. It was one of the most beautiful places she'd ever seen. Then she noticed everyone was already descending, and had to jog to keep up.

"Who built this place?" She managed to ask Scotty when they'd paused in the centre of the hall and Jim was going about the boring formalities with some officious looking people.

"That's a good question, lass." The Scot smiled at her enthusiastically, making her glad she'd asked. "It's all built by the Federation, you know, but the architects built the grand hall around an already existing structure. It's bonny, don't you think?" She nodded her agreement. "You should see it at night – well that's special. The glass is plasmi lined." He looked at her as if expecting her to understand what that was. She wracked her brain desperately, and came up with a lesson he'd given her on non-organic structural compounds.

"Plasmi? Isn't that what the Klingon's use in their cloaking devices?"

"Aye – although they call it something more guttural and unintelligible." She thought that was rather rich coming from the thick-accented Scot, but kept her thoughts to herself. "This stuff here isn't quite the same – it's refined differently. Instead of bending light into dark matter, it uses dark matter to create light – a whole rainbow of colours. It's something you'll see nowhere else. Maybe we should convince the captain to let you see it."

"It's probably my dad you'll have to convince."

The engineer threw a speculative glance at the doctor, who was beside Jim frowning at the dignitaries. "Aye. Well maybe next time." Clearly the engineer didn't fancy going up against her dad today. Most of the crew rarely did. Grandma said that you shouldn't argue with your doctor unless you wanted them to argue with you when you needed you leg sawed off.

"Maybe." She wondered if there would be a next time. It didn't look likely. Then she considered something else. "Maybe your job here might take a while." She asked hopefully.

"Aye, just maybe. But I've got a torsed plasma exchanger to sort, and the captain promised me that there was only a meeting, not much else."

A meeting? Well, that didn't sound like a lecture to her. She knew it! She threw herself out on an instinct. "It won't be that easy to leave the lecture, you know."

"Oh I know. I asked Keenser to hail me after a few minutes. Your dad's presentation will be great and all, but neurology... well you might as well be singing a lullaby to a Vulcan for all it will mean to me."

"Are the others doing the same?" She asked calmly, resisting the urge to smile.

"Damned if I know. I just sort me out. The captain said he wanted it fairly subtle, so that we arrive separately. Though I don't see what's so subtle about the entire crew leaving throughout the lecture. Someone's going to think there's free booze at the bar."

Joanna grinned at that. "It sounds serious if it requires so many of you."

"Aye – though damned if I know what it's about. No one talks to the engineer. Just fix it Scotty, they say, as if I'm a machine too. Knowing the fools that tinker around here, they've built some new device I'm just going to have to disable again. I hope it's a bit less ridiculous than the last one. It scorched my uniform. My uniform! I'd reinforced it with every fire-retardant chemical known to man – and a few that aren't. If they ruin another I'm going to build something that will make them wish they'd never studied past basic algebra. I can't keep running around in my boxers. A man has some dignity!"

Joanna wasn't entirely sure whether she was meant to laugh or frown, so attempted to keep her face blank. She now remembered why conversing with Scotty was a risky experience – all she could imagine was him running around in tartan underwear, chasing other scientists with his decoupler. It was a disturbing image. Thankfully the group started moving again, and Chekov distracted him with comments about a thermal deflection unit they'd walked past.

The room that the lecture would take place was in a new Vulcan-designed building across a square. It was large, but far less intimidating than the cavernous building they'd just been in. The room was already filled – other doctors of various species conversed with one another in serious voices. She felt suddenly proud that so many people had come to see her dad speak. He was the keynote lecturer, and she could see how excited some people were to meet him, how hard they shook his hand. Sometimes it was easy to forget that her dad was a brilliant doctor, that he'd done some amazing pieces of research and cured diseases. It was hard to align with a man that looked after her when she had something like space-sickness, and played horsie with his son and got anxious transporting.

She saw him scanning the crowd for her and joined him with a smile. He squeezed her shoulder affectionately and she could tell that he was glad she'd come, no matter what he'd said.

"Joanna this is Doctor Mantora from Tauros' neurobiology unit. Mantora, this is my daughter, Joanna."

The Tauron smiled down at her with interest. She'd never met a Tauron before and she studied him openly back. He was red-skinned, with large horns on his head and spikes down his neck. She wondered if is skin would feel as leathery as it looked.

"It is good to meet you, Joanna. I did not know McCoy had a daughter. Tell me, are you as brilliant as he is?"

Her dad snorted in embarrassment. "Brilliance is a strong word, Mantora."

The being watched her for a response and she picked her words carefully. "No, dad is special. I haven't inherited his brilliance."

"A shame." The Tauron still watched her carefully. "However, I do disbelieve it. What say you, McCoy?"

"She has an eidetic memory." Her dad smiled slightly and Mantora looked at her with a whole new interest in his eyes.

"Is that so? Intriguing. Have you tested this?"

McCoy nodded. "I've tested it enough to know what it is – but it wasn't me who diagnosed her. It was found whilst she was in school on Earth."

The Tauron cocked his head. "How old were you, Joanna, when you first noticed this ability."

She felt uncomfortable, discussing her memory, but didn't want to embarrass her dad, so answered meekly. "Five." She remembered things before that, of course. But she couldn't remember everything, not in the detail or way she did now.

Her dad gave her an explanation as if feeling her tension. "Mantora is one of the leading experts in memory, Joanna. He helped me during the Year War." She relaxed considerably at that. Anyone that her dad trusted she would too.

"Five in Human years is indeed old to first notice the ability."

"It wasn't picked up until I was eight." She explained to him. "One of my teachers noticed that when I gave answers I was simply reciting the textbook."

"Fascinating."

"Indeed." Her dad gave her an affectionate look, and she was once again glad he was her father. It was strange to think that once she'd been so scared for him to know about her memory. Her mom had convinced her that he would reject her, that he'd be disappointed that she was different, that there was something wrong with her. But when she'd finally told him he'd just hugged her and told her that it was something that made her special, that it was just part of who she was. It wasn't an illness, it was an ability, just like telepathy the Vulcan's used. However, still in the back of her mind was the doubt, the thought that he might prefer her if she were more normal, more like her brother. "Don't get ideas, Mantora. I won't have my daughter tested on, so don't ask." Her dad continued, scowling at the man.

Mantora looked surprised. "But perhaps you miss out on an opportunity. Eidetic memories are rare in all species. We could learn a great deal..."

"Perhaps." Her dad took a firm stance. "But she's my daughter."

The scientist paused, then bowed his head. "Of course. But perhaps you would allow me to speak to her further? If you wouldn't mind, Joanna? I get so few examples of such memories, and have very many questions."

Her dad gave her a questioning look and she nodded with a polite smile. She was probably too defensive about her memory. Lotoc said until she stopped thinking of it negatively she wouldn't be able to attain proper control. It was nothing to be ashamed of, she knew that – but hiding her ability was a difficult habit to break. "Of course."

The man smiled. "You are too kind." He nodded to McCoy. "Fear not, doctor. I'll not spread about that there's a child with an eidetic memory here." She bristled at being called a child. "We are at a neurology conference after all, and I'd hate for you to be overshadowed."

Her dad laughed at that. "Damn right. She's a hell of a lot more interesting than me too. Well, I need to go and face the music. You'll be alright, Joanna?"

"Yep." He glanced at her for reassurance and she gave him a smile. He nodded and moved to join Christine at the front of the room.

"Come." The Tauron indicated. "Let us sit."

She took a seat beside him, and he turned his full attention on her. "Now, tell me. You said that you could quote textbooks at the age of eight. When you recall the information do you require a prompt? Something to hang your memory on?"

She considered this. She hadn't really thought of her ability before – not since she was tested for it as a child. "No – not really. I just... well I just remember. I see it in my head."

"Excellent. And tell me, is it only visual information that you recall or other information too?"

"Well, I remember sounds – conversations too. Is that what you mean?"

"Yes, exactly. So sounds also. You're not merely photographic but truly eidetic, as your dad said. How about smells, and other senses?"

She nodded. "When I remember something I remember everything. What it looks like, and smells like, and sounds like. Even how I was feeling."

"That must be very overwhelming. I know that those with eidetic memories I have met find it very disruptive to their lives – being forced to remember such events all the time. It must be very hard to live in the moment when you are continually assaulted by senses of the past."

"I suppose... Sometimes it's bad." Remembering all the horrible stuff. That was bad. Bad and scary. Especially when she couldn't just switch her mind off in her dreams, and the emotions were raw like it was still happening. "When I was little I sometimes felt like my brain would explode when I tried to remember things – I couldn't work out what had just happened and what had happened a long time ago. Sometimes it seemed to happen all at once – like the entire past had occurred in a single second. But I knew it couldn't be – because I remembered a time before, before my memory became like this, when some memories were from long ago and some were recent. So I tried to relive the memories – to look for certain clues as to when it happened, and then I'd... bookmark when they occurred. It helped with my perception of time. It was a barrier, or sorts."

The Tauron looked surprised. "Remarkable. It is rare for eidecktics to develop their own tools. Were you successful?"

"I guess. The memories stopped being so intrusive. It meant I was lost in thought a lot more – it took effort to file the memories. I had to continually hold in my head the date and the time like a stamp. I think the other children thought I was really odd because of it. But I still functioned normally – you know played and day-dreamed and everything. I was just a normal kid really. Then my mom sent me to the Vulcan school on Cerberus and things have been better since then." She'd resented it, of course. Still did, for that matter – and she didn't believe there weren't scientists on Earth that might have helped her. But Lotoc had been successful where she hadn't been alone. His experiments were often unpleasant, but they yielded results.

The interest on the scientist's face grew. "So you've been learning to control it?"

"Yes. The teachers taught me how to build a mental barrier, the same the Vulcan's use to control themselves, so that the memories aren't there unless I want them to be. I still remember everything but they've taught me how to filter what I remember so that I recall the important things and block some of the less important - like a sieve rather than a sponge. I'm working on my recall now – it's easier, less overwhelming, when I keep my emotions separate so I've been learning meditation. Now I sense everything, but I can remain detached." At least partially. She was still working on that part. The problem was that brown mare kept escaping.

"That is... truly fascinating. What is your memory like now you've been controlling it?"

She shrugged and smiled at him. "A lot more normal, I think. I recall much quicker, since I don't have to sift through so much information now it's filed and sorted. I can just recall with a better level of detail than others do."

He shook his head at her, pausing. "Forgive me. I am rather lost for words. I... well perhaps I would ask your father again if I may study you."

She frowned at him. "Perhaps you should ask me." She pointed out.

The Tauron looked surprised, then humbled. "Of course. Forgive me. And you said that before five years your memory was normal? Did something occur at that age that might have changed things?"

Something triggering her memory? She'd never considered that before. "I fell off the roof at home." She did not want to explain why she was on the roof in the first place so immediately continued. "There was a lot of blood. I didn't wake up for more than a week. Mom said I almost died."

"Interesting. Could this have precipitated a change?"

She shrugged. "I guess. Honestly I don't know." She didn't remember waking up and being able to suddenly recall everything. It came on gradually.

The Tauron opened his mouth to ask more questions but thankfully she was saved when the speaker began to introduce her father. She sat back relieved, only half-focusing on his words. Was she really that unusual? She didn't feel special at all. It was true that she could remember a lot, but she could do other stuff too – like drawing, and playing her violin, things that didn't just rely on her memory. Not that others saw it. She had to make them – had to be extraordinary at everything she did just so she wasn't the girl with the memory at school anymore. It was why she hated her memory so much, why she didn't tell people what she could do. The only person who'd ever seen the person despite knowing the ability was Jim.

She scanned the room, spotting the Starfleet uniforms amid the crowd. Jim was whispering to a red-headed Human near the back of the room in a way that made her roll her eyes. She tried to pretend she wasn't feeling jealous at all. She had no right to feel jealous. Jim would never see her. Even if she knew him better, and would be better for him, than some pretty red-headed scientist who would probably never know the real Jim at all. She felt a wave of frustration at that and pushed it down. What was the point?

Scotty's communicator made a wail just as her dad started talking and he escaped with a smile. Over the next ten minutes the rest of the staff disappeared from the room. It was more subtle than she'd expected, although the audience seemed so interested in her dad's talk that they probably wouldn't have noticed if the team had started dancing in the aisles. When Galloway finally left, the last of the crew, she felt a wave of impatience. She spend a few seconds debating whether or not to follow, but then noticing the man next to her, her decision was made. She didn't want any more questions today. She quietly got to her feet and slipped out of the door. After all, she'd promised her dad she'd stay with the crew. That's what she intended to do.

She caught a flash of Galloway exiting the building and had to run so as not to miss him. He crossed the courtyard again where he was met by one of the other security officers, and instinctively she hung back. Galloway was good at his job and she was scared he would sense her presence. She watched them walk away for a while, heart pounding, then followed at a distance, hanging tightly to the walls and shadows. The officers paused once, as she stumbled slightly, and she had a mild heart attack as she forced her back against the wall. However, after a moment of held breath she heard their feet continue on the gravel and after counting to ten dared to follow again. They finally came to rest outside a small stone building. Jardine – the other security officer, saluted Galloway, and he moved through the door as his companion took up station next to it. Joanna frowned to herself. The chances of making it through that door didn't look good for her. She could try talking her way in of course, but was fairly sure that the severe looking men were not going to buy it. That was a last resort. She didn't want to cause a disruption – she wouldn't find out a thing if she did.

She turned her back on the men and approached the building from a different angle. A sensible voice in her head, that sounded like Lotoc, pointed out that the meeting, whatever it was, had absolutely nothing to do with her. Maybe she should be a good girl and go back to the meeting. Then she noticed some storage crates stacked against the wall and those thoughts were pushed from her head. The building had a flat roof. It looked like her way in was up.

She climbed the crates easily, her small frame making them wobble only slightly. The stone had plenty of crevices, and it wasn't hard to make her way the last few metres onto the roof. It was far easier than climbing out of her bedroom at school, that was for sure. Vulcan designs had very few handholds. She hoped the Professor Calros never noticed the nails she'd knocked into the walls until she'd left. She heaved her way up and glanced down at the ground. It seemed higher up than it had before. It was a good job she hadn't fallen – or she'd have been Joanna-shaped mush.

She forced herself to refocus. In the centre of the roof was a massive sky-light. She grinned to herself, and knelt to look down. The crew were seated around an oblong table in the centre of the room. Next to Jim there was a woman that she recognised instantly. Carol Marcus. The scientist had left the crew of the Enterprise five years ago to take a consulting position for the defence department of Starfleet. She hadn't known the woman was here at the Institute – but then she wasn't supposed to know who she was working for either.

The proceedings were curious – but she had no idea what was being said. She really had to learn how to lip-read. She added it to her mental to-do list for next semester. Toral was bound to know how to do it. The floors of the building were suspended in a circle around the skylight above and the table below. Joanna knew she could open the window, but getting onto the next floor might be difficult since she couldn't drop straight down. She considered what she had in her bag. The pink-sequinned rucksack was rather tattered these days, but she was fond of it. Her dad had brought his medikit with him today, so she'd grabbed it on the way out the door, following his example. She had a few feet of rope tucked away for emergencies. If she entered on the opposite side of the window to the sun she would hopefully avoid casting a shadow and drawing attention to herself. She opened the window quietly, unlocking it from the inside with an electromagnet Scotty had taught her to use years ago. She tied her rope onto a firm looking pipe with a strong knot, then dropped it in. It didn't fall very far, but with a bit of luck she would reach the balustrade. She didn't consider what would happen if she didn't. She tested her weight, then dropped through the window.

The voices became audible as soon as she entered the room. There must have been a dampening field surrounding it. She sure hoped Spock wasn't scanning at this very moment. Then again, all it would take was someone to look up.

"But who?" Jim was asking.

"I've spoken to Intelligence. They say there's a new power rising in the quadrant – a syndicate. They think they're the buyer." Carol Marcus replied. She climbed down as low as she could, and reached out to the wooden beam. Her fingertips came up short. Damn it.

"Or perhaps the handler." Jim surmised. "Developers of something like this aren't going to want to move it themselves." She moved the rope around herself, pinioning her legs so give her some extra length. She was still too short.

"Aye right." Scotty agreed. "With this sort of nasty I'd want to make sure I was in a different quadrant. It'd be worth losing a cut of the money. Besides, there are plenty of crazies still willing to pay a pretty penny for this sort of weapon."

"Mister Scott is correct. Tell me, does this group have name?" Spock asked as she attempted her final resort. She began to swing slightly.

"Not that I know of. All I do know is this syndicate is very organised, somewhat different from the others around – and that Starfleet Command are very concerned." She timed it carefully, and leapt from the rope as it swung forwards. For a moment she thought she'd misjudged, but then her hands caught the balustrade firmly, and she managed to pull herself up. She lay on the ground for a moment, catching her breath silently. That was a bit crazy, even if she did say so herself.

"Of course they are. It's a biological." Jim said. Her ears perked at that word and she shuffled onto her stomach and looked down between the bars. She rewound the conversation she'd just heard. Someone was building a biological weapon?

"True – but this syndicate also seems to have a rather large anti-Federation sentiment. They're selling weapons to the Romulans, from what I heard."

"Do you think they'll use it against Earth?" Chekov sounded horrified.

"I don't think we can rule it out." Jim replied. "We need to find this thing. Do you have any ideas of where they are, Carol?"

Joanna noticed a flicker of movement in the corner of her eye. On the floor below her, on the opposite side of the room, a figure was crouched, watching the proceedings. A spy! She had fair hair, but she could make out no more of her face from her current position. She pulled herself to her feet silently and crept around to the next corner, only to discover something else. The woman was not alone. Opposite her, standing against the wall motionless, was a man. His hair was light brown, his face stony cold. His eyes were fixed only on the woman, completely ignoring the talks below. Some instinct told her they weren't together. She was Trill if her markings were to be believed. He was Human. They weren't dressed similarly at all - in fact they were almost opposite. The woman was in casual clothes, shabby like she had been wearing them for several days non-stop. The man wore purely black from head to toe, a short leather jacket like she'd seen Jim wear, and large boots. Was someone spying on the spy? But why?

The woman seemed to realise someone was watching her at exactly that moment, because she rose to her feet, hand on phaser. The shot rang out before the woman had managed to arm herself. Her body toppled over the balustrade and hit the table below with a mighty crash. There was instant uproar in the room – not just from the dead woman but by a number of armed men who'd burst through the door. Joanna glanced back at the man who'd fired first, only to find him staring straight up at her, smiling slightly as if he recognised her. She jumped and pushed herself backwards, but there was no shot aimed at her. He pressed something on his arm and disappeared from sight. She was stunned for a moment – but the sound of shots drew her attention back below.

The crew had been surrounded – and were outnumbered three-to-one. They were still holding their own, but the bright flash of a stun grenade suggested they wouldn't manage for long. She watched with held-breath as a phaser blast almost hit Spock, who avoided it with a graceful step backwards as Jim disarmed the man. Chekov pushed over the table to give them somewhere defensible to fire from but the men seemed to be wearing body armour and didn't fall to the stun blasts. The table splintered and Joanna realised that the attackers definitely didn't have their phasers on stun. Carol fell as a blast hit her chest, and Scotty dragged her down and behind the tables. Her heart was pounding. She needed to do something – and quickly. The crew were cornered. But what? She was only herself and wasn't any good to them up here.

She grabbed her bag and ran back to her rope, considering what she had. Not much. Damn it, she had to think. She listed the items – a turboclamp, a knife, a set of parts from a broken tricorder, string, her first aid kit, her electromagnet – wait. That was it. Scotty's voice came into her head when they'd sat and built it together.

"Remember the centre's neodimian, lass. Don't take it out without the casing. If there's another strong magnet nearby you'll get a wavelet transformation that'll cause an EMP big enough to be nasty for you and anyone nearby."

She activated her turboclamp and threw it down into the attacking party. Then she dropped to the ground, smashed open her electromagnet, and pulled out the core. It pulsed green. She felt a coldness next to her chest – her necklace felt weird – but she had no time to consider this. She climbed onto the balustrade, grabbed her rope, swung towards the centre of the room, then dropped core next to the doors.

The explosion shook the building. The sprinklers automatically came on, sirens wailed, she glanced down long enough to see Jim and Spock up and stunning their way through fallen soldiers, then climbed back out of the window.

On the ground she circled the building, heading for the front doors. The security officers were on the ground. She had a bad feeling they were dead. Was this all over some weapon? It was madness! She went into the building. The soldiers, whoever they were, were almost overpowered. Jim, Galloway and Spock were dropping them left right and centre, and clearly Scotty and Chekov were quite familiar with what to do in a fight. She was fairly sure she'd just learnt some new Russian swearwords to boot. Carol Marcus was still on the ground beside the table, and it was her that Joanna aimed for. She could have picked up a phaser and joined the fight, she supposed, but she'd never used a phaser, and had no intention of starting to. She had a first aid kit, and knew Carol must have been injured pretty badly not to be still fighting. She could only assume that a weapons specialist knew her way around a phaser after all.

She had to skip the errant phaser fire, but Lotoc had been putting her though her paces on rather sadistic assault courses for the last few years, and after moving lasers (most recently with one arm tied behind her back – apparently you couldn't assume you could rely on all extremities during a fight, or so Lotoc said), phaser fire was a piece of cake.

Carol was taking sharp quick breaths. She looked grey, lying as she was, and Joanna could see the vein flickering high in her neck. That was bad. She needed to go get her dad. Carol reached out and grabbed her hand tightly. She was scared, Joanna realised. Alright, she could do a basic primary survey, just until the medics arrived. Just like dad had shown her. A, B, C. Airway, breathing, circulation. Even with all the high-tech stuff they had, dad said it was the basics that saved lives. She imagined her dad's lecture to the nurses a few years ago and ran it through her mind.

She knelt by the woman who viewed her with panic in her eyes. Carol tried to speak but was too breathless to get a word out. "It's alright. Just lie still. You're going to be fine." Joanna reassured her in her best nurse's impression, while privately having misgivings. At least her airway was clear. No weird snoring sounds at any rate. So B for breathing. She didn't have any oxygen so that was no good. Her breathing rate was obviously fast. She felt for the trachea. It didn't feel right in the centre. In fact it was towards the left, obviously so. That was bad. She put her hands on the woman's chest and saw the phaser wound just above her breast. The right side of her chest wasn't expanding. Oh hell. That was really bad.

"I'm just going to listen, Carol." She placed her ear onto the woman's chest. Sounds on the left. Nothing on the right. She knew exactly what that meant. Oh hell she needed her dad.

She'd been ignoring the fighting for the last few seconds, but as she felt Carol's pulse running at well over one-fifty a minute her own mirrored it when she heard a blast behind her. She dropped the woman's hand from hers, flying to her feet almost-automatically. One of the soldiers was right there, in front of her, phaser pointing at her chest.

She was sure that people said that time slowed down in situations like these – that you're able to hear your own heartbeat in your ears, see your life flash before your eyes. That you have time to plan something, to weigh up your choices, even if none meant you lived. Nothing like that happened to her. She heard Jim cry her name, remembered Carol behind her, and without making any conscious decision at all ran at the soldier.

Her actions had caught him off guard. He missed his shot at her, and she launched herself at him. Lotoc had taught her defence, not attack. He had taught her that where possible she should run. Well she was both running and defending – albeit in the wrong direction – and she was fast too. Her one advantage. Before he had a chance to protect himself, to consider what was happening, she kneed him in the groin, punched him the stomach, then slammed the palm of her hand upwards. His nose made a sickening crunch and as he moved to protect his stomach she used the momentum to force the phaser from his hand. She didn't give him an opportunity to touch her because there was no way she'd win if he did, taller and stronger as he was. She threw a blow to the back of his neck with all the force she had, and the man toppled over, unconscious.

There was silence in the room. Spock had raised an eyebrow, Scotty looked mildly cheered, Chekov looked disturbed, and Galloway impressed. Jim's face was unreadable, his eyes as dark and stormy as the seas. However, Joanna noticed none of this, already moving back towards Carol. The woman was unconscious now. Joanna felt like crying.

"Someone get a medic." She shouted to the room.

Jim was at her side almost immediately, standing slightly away. She didn't need to see his face to know the expression on it. "Hell. Spock?"

The Vulcan knelt down beside her, pressing a hand to the woman's neck. "She lives." He declared quietly.

"She has a tension pneumothorax." Joanna told him in a voice that somehow wasn't trembling.

"Indeed." Spock didn't seem to doubt her assessment. "It must be decompressed."

"I know. But I don't have anything to do it with."

"Mister Scott, are you carrying any thermal cannula on your person?"

"A thermal cannula? Heck no, why would I be carrying one of those? But I've got a plasma micro-syringe if that's any help?"

"That will be sufficient."

Joanna undid Carol's shirt and exposed her chest. Images of her dad performing needle thoracotomies on the holomodels in front of the nurses flew into her mind. Pause and your patient dies, that what he had said. She felt for her clavicle, then just below. "Second intercostal space, mid-clavicular line." Her dad had made the nurses say it until they could recite it perfectly in the middle of a battle-sim. None of them would forget it.

Spock handed her the thin tube and without hesitating she stabbed it into the woman's chest. A hiss of air spat from the end of it, and Carol took a huge breath, her colour returning almost immediately. Spock removed his scanner and nodded. "The chest is decompressed."

She grinned in relief and Spock gave her a long look, before turning to the captain behind him. "Help has arrived Jim."

A team of security staff – fifteen or so, stood at the entrance, looking bewildered. Joanna glanced at Jim through lowered eyes and watched the annoyance flicker across his face. He was soaking wet, she couldn't fail to note, and he looked rather perfect for a man who'd just been in a rather heated battle. There was a trickle of blood leaking from a wound to his head and she felt a sudden urge to wipe it off. With her mouth. Hell, easy Joanna. Vampirism was too far, even for her fantasies.

"A bit late." Jim muttered. Chekov was saying the same thing to the security guards, frown in place and an impressive black-eye developing. He very much disliked confrontation. "I'd better keep things civil." He sighed and joined his navigator. "Now, Chekov, we had it under control." He nodded at the men, who were looking somewhat uneasy. Clearly finding Captain Kirk and his crew soaking wet with a room full of bodies when the smoke alarm had gone off wasn't what they'd expected. "However, I do believe that there's a biological weapon being fabricated under your very noses, and I expect you'd be very happy to allow us to destroy it while you make sure our attackers are behind bars."

"Umm..." The leader of the group swallowed. For some reason it was near impossible for people to disagree with Jim when he was in captain-mode. "Yes, sir. I'll assign some officers to help you and let the Head know what's happening."

"Good. And we also need a medic promptly for Doctor Marcus."

"Yes sir."

One of the security staff with medical training came to join them, assessing Carol with more practiced hands than hers, but she stayed with her when Spock went to join the captain. Scotty also seemed to be more interested in Carol then discussions over where to look for the weapon. He patted Carol's hand with distracted affection when she started coming around, and muttered some nearly incomprehensible reassurances. Surprisingly the strange engineer was actually rather comforting in situations like these, and given Carol's smile, she agreed with the sentiment. She supposed that Carol and Scotty had worked closely together given their occupations on the Enterprise. That was a weird thought.

"Was it you that made the explosion, lass?" He asked her when a paramedic moved in to take over and they watched Carol being carried out. Spock and Jim were leaning over blueprints of what she assumed was the Institute with various security guards and the rest of the crew.

She nodded. "Yep. I used the core from my electromagnet."

Scotty smiled at her. "Aye, is that so? I did wonder when I saw the green. Well, that was a fair bit of thinking, lass. We might make an engineer of you yet!" She privately doubted this, but enjoyed his praise.

She wondered what she should do now. She doubted Jim was going to allow her to come along to hunt the weapon, though she personally thought she'd earned the right. He hadn't spoken to her at all, or even looked up at her, but she supposed weapons that could kill a whole planet were much more important than making sure a fifteen year old girl was okay. She suddenly remembered her poor dad. None of them were there to listen to his lecture!

"I'm going back to the talk, Scotty." She informed him. "Dad will be missing me."

"Aye, alright." Scotty nodded distractedly. She could see him listening in to the conversation of the others with a frown on his face.

"Well bye."

She doubted if any of them noticed her leaving. But then, since they hadn't noticed her arrival, this suggested success. Not that she felt it. Why didn't she feel it? She remembered the man who'd killed the Trill and felt sick in the pit of her stomach. She'd spied on a spy spying on a spy. That was a whole lot of complicated. Which one had sent in the soldiers, the one who'd dropped, or the one who'd escaped? She supposed it didn't matter now at any rate.

She realised after a few seconds of walking that she was squelching. She'd got a lot more wet than she'd realised, even though she'd missed most of the sprinklers. She made a detour to the bathroom to use the dryer, and came out a few minutes later barefoot, but feeling much better.

She slid back into the audience. Professor Mantora, she was relieved to see, wasn't there, but perhaps he'd been called away. Christine was speaking and her dad met her eyes from the stand. He frowned at her for a moment suspiciously. Sometimes she thought he could read the guilt in her eyes. She gave him her most innocent expression, then the thumbs up sign. He smiled at her, then went back to watching Christine. Nope, he'd definitely not noticed she'd been gone. She was glad he couldnt see her feet from where she sat.

There were another two hours of lectures, part given by her dad, and then by other speakers. She listened with only half an ear, mind distracted. She hoped Carol was alright. Maybe she should have stayed with her? But no, she'd have only got in the way. She shouldn't have left the lecture in the first place. She should have been good, rather than eavesdropping into something that had nothing to do with her. An image flashed into her mind before she could stop it. Why had that man smiled at her instead of shooting her? It made no sense. Maybe he thought she was harmless? Maybe he wasn't the baddie at all, but was trying to protect them, and the woman was the bad one who'd called the soldiers? And who the hell were the soldiers, anyhow? Where had they suddenly sprung from? Were they scientists, or from this syndicate, who she supposed would want to protect their investment. And surely the meeting was secret? She'd have to ask Jim – he'd have worked it out by now. She felt her heart sink. If he could be bothered to talk to her. And since there were lots of women about, her chances were slim. Just because they were friends, didn't make her his first priority, she knew that. She just wished she were – at least over the stupid women. She sighed to herself. She really needed to get over her stupid infatuation with him. Only she couldn't. Because he was Jim, and it was hard to imagine herself having feelings for someone else. He was just... hers. Maybe she could just put it off a bit, get a boyfriend or something, and then she'd realise she was just being stupid, and there were other men much better. After all, Jim would never want her. It would be better for everyone.

She noticed that her dad had started scowling very hard, and glanced behind her to see the crew had returned. They were standing against the back wall. She supposed trying to sit back down would be disruptive given that they still looked damp, and their uniform also seemed to bear scorch marks now. In fact, Scotty looked rather like he was smouldering. She saw Christine looking at them curiously, and suspected it was a smile that she hid behind her hand. She at least had a sense of humour. Her dad's eyes slid to hers again, and she attempted nonchalance. He rolled his eyes but she was fairly sure he bought it.

Thankfully the lectures ended soon after that. They broke for lunch, which gave her dad opportunity to shout at Jim for not being told what was going on, and then shout at him for not being involved with the weapon's destruction. Jim pointed out that he had been involved (since he'd been the distraction that had allowed the meeting), and that Spock and Scotty had been there to oversee its destruction (which her dad couldn't argue with given their experience). However, his anger was fairly short-lived in the face of how well his lecture had gone, and the fact, as Jim pointed out, he was so far having an away mission where no one had shot at him (even if they'd shot at everyone else). It all would have been fine, had Spock not decided to tell her dad that she'd performed a needle thoracotomy on Carol Marcus. She suddenly decided she needed some fresh air and escaped while she could.

Outside it was beautiful. It was warm, cloud covering the sky. Rays of sun broke through at intervals and lit the red mountains and green hills. She imagined just walking until her feet could take her no further amongst that beauty. It would be worth living here just to see that view out your window every day. She memorised every facet of the scene in front of her. Sometimes when she was feeling trapped she liked to recall the places she loved – her dad's quarters on the Enterprise, the cities of Cerberus, camping on Earth. Anywhere where Jim was. In her head she could see the scenes clearly, could feel the wind and rain on her face, could talk to the people and walk around the sites as if she were there. Could normal people do that? She wasn't sure – but it was something she would miss if she could no longer do it.

"We'd be better off going for a hike this afternoon then being trapped inside with those scientists." Her dad's voice made her jump. She hadn't heard him approach.

She glanced at him. He didn't appear to be angry. That was a relief. "It's very beautiful here." She commented.

He nodded. "It is. Shame about the damn people that live here. They can't see beauty from the end of their nose. To them their science is the beauty and the hills just get in the way."

"That's weird."

"Very. It's what happens when you lose balance, Joanna. Your work becomes an obsession, and you sure as hell can't see anything else."

"It doesn't sound very healthy."

"It's not. I should know." She wondered what he meant by that, but he was staring off into the distance, his face grim.

She found her courage before it entirely deserted her. "I'm sorry about earlier. It wasn't that I didn't want to hear your lecture, dad..."

He was silent for a moment. She expected him to get angry, but he sounded weary. "You did promise me, Joanna, that you wouldn't sneak off again without telling me."

She frowned. Because she had. "I forgot..."

"Forgot? Like hell you did. I think you just didn't want to remember."

She nodded, feeling guilty. "I'm sorry. I just... I was... Well I wanted to see where they were all going."

"And got involved in a fight in the process. Hell Joanna, you could have been hurt. What if one of them had attacked you? What then?"

She felt suddenly relieved that Spock hadn't told her dad everything, and that he remained ignorant of her fight. Then she saw the images again in slow-motion. She'd hurt someone. Deliberately. She felt sick to the pit of her stomach, and realised that she hated fighting.

"I didn't think."

"No you didn't. Damn it Joanna – you can't keep doing things like this. You're going to get hurt, and what if I'm not there?"

She tried to reassure him. "I'll be okay, dad. I'll be sensible – I'll think."

He scowled at her. "No you won't. You're too much like your mother." She flinched and his face softened. "I don't mean that in a bad way, Joanna. I just mean... well you're alike. Spontaneous."

She felt insulted. There was no one she wanted to be less like than her mother. "Mom always says I'm much more like you." She tried to keep the hurt from her voice.

"I bet she does. But your mother doesn't think much of my saving graces. Hell, nor do I half the time." He was silent for a while. Then he gave her side-long look. "So... A thoracotomy?"

"She had a tension pneumothorax."

"So I gathered. I... Well I have no idea what to say. Honestly, I'm damned impressed. Not many people could have done that."

She felt happiness coarse through her for the first time that dad. He was impressed – even if he was annoyed that she had gone. That was worth it. "Not many people have the best doctor in Starfleet as their dad."

He smiled slightly, looking both pleased and embarrassed, then cleared his throat. "I was just on my way to see her, if you wanted to come."

"Okay." The moved together. He took her hand after a while, and she might have protested – she was fifteen after all – far too old to be holding her dad's hand, only he looked so happy when he did that she didn't dare say a word. She just couldn't do that to him. She fought the awkwardness and made herself chatter to her dad about the conference. His mood improved and he told her some stories of his colleagues (some of which were not particularly flattering). When they arrived in what she assumed was the medical bay he looked positively cheerful.

Carol was in a side-room. Jim was sitting at her bedside. Joanna couldn't see his face, but he was holding her hand, and Carol was smiling at him. She wondered whether they'd had a relationship whilst she was on the Enterprise. Knowing Jim, it seemed rather inevitable – she was very pretty after all. But she had left. That thought alone reassured her.

The doctor on shift looked rather harassed. Christine was talking to him quietly, PADD in hand. His face fell further when he spotted her dad. "You must be Doctor McCoy." There was an obvious tremor in his voice. He was a young Trill, short and squat with brown hair and a face that was particularly commendable. Joanna immediately felt sorry for him.

"Yes." Her dad scowled at him. "How is she?"

"Fine. She's stable." He gulped, and Joanna made a face. Bad answer.

"Stable? Hell, anyone can see that – she's sitting and talking. I asked how she was." He narrowed his eyes. "Are you actually a doctor?"

The poor man looked sick. Christine thankfully intervened. "Doctor Ralax is doing very well. They don't get many traumas here after all. Here, why don't I talk you through it, since he's just explained it to me?"

"You're alright with that?" It was barely a question, but the man nodded meekly.

"I'd value your input. As Doctor Chapel said, we don't get many traumas here. In fact, this is my first."

"Your first? Well then." The doctor patted the other on the shoulder sympathetically. "Hell, I remember my first. How the hell did you end up alone here?"

"Doctor Minns is-."

"Minns? Damn it to hell. You contact him right now and tell him to get down here. This is typical of him. I'll show him what it's like leaving a junior doctor alone when a trauma comes in."

Joanna laughed quietly to herself – it was always fun when her dad took it upon himself to defend the weak. Carol caught her eye and waved at her. Jim turned and gave her a smile that made her heart flutter. Damn, there she went again. She forced her face to be friendliness and went in. She wondered if Lotoc would be less hard on her if he actually realised the mental struggle that she had to go through just to act like a sane person every time Jim was around. She somehow doubted it.

"Hi Carol. Are you alright?" She took the seat on the other side of the woman.

"I've been worse. I'm pretty annoyed at myself for getting shot, actually."

"It could have been any of us, Carol." Jim reassured her. "They were firing all over the place." Joanna didn't entirely believe that, but wisely kept her opinion to herself.

"Did you catch them?" She couldn't help but ask.

"Yep. Intelligence is on its way for questioning the ones we've caught."

"And the weapon?" He didn't look surprised she knew about that.

"Contained, according to Scotty. But you'll need to look, Carol, to make sure."

She nodded. "I want to see what they were developing. I'm glad Intelligence is coming – they at least have a chance of getting some answers. I don't know how it could have been developed Jim. The Institute have so many failsafes in place. I got investigated a month ago because I was using more power than I'd initially forecast for my project. They look at everything closely – they have to since we have the detention block."

Joanna remembered her dad telling her that the detention block was used for scientists that had previously broken the law. Rather than stewing in some cell, working in the block they could contribute 'for the good of the Federation' (and the Federation of course would have controlling rights over everything that had been developed). She wasn't entirely sure what she thought about that, but it did seem less wasteful. "Maybe they weren't building it here. It's a big planet." She suggested.

Jim nodded. "Joanna has a point. There are plenty of hills. No one would notice if a bunch of scientists wanted to take a walk once in a while."  
>"Maybe not, but people might start to notice when a few hundred people start dying. Full biological trials are needed for development. You can't hope to develop such a weapon without them." She frowned. "It just makes no sense. Why here? It was bound to get noticed."<p>

"A good question. I suppose that's why Intelligence is all over it. And I suppose I won't get to hear any of the answers."

Carol laughed and patted his hand. "We both know them too well, Jim." Her voice softened. "Better them then Section 31."

Joanna frowned. "What's Section 31?" She'd never heard of that before. Not in any of her time on the Enterprise.

Jim didn't meet her eyes. "Something that we shouldn't talk about. Especially not here. Now, Scotty reminded me that you've never seen the plasmi lights here." Her curiosity was piqued now, but she allowed Jim to change the subject. He seemed... uneasy. Normally when he was talking about Federation secrets he made it into a joke. This was obviously serious. It made her all the more determined to find out more. But that would have to wait.

"That's a shame." Carol was saying.

Joanna shrugged. "I guess maybe next time."

"Well you might just get your chance today. Scotty wants to check the security fields. We don't know how those soldiers got in. That's going to take a few hours." He winked at her, and Joanna realised what Scotty was doing. He could probably check such security measures in minutes. She felt a wave of affection for the man.

"Well even dad can't argue with that." She smiled.

"Argue with what?" Her dad walked in with a frown, scanner already in hand. Christine was apparently making the peace with an Andorian doctor outside the room.

"Just that we've got a few things here to do before we can beam back up. Joanna might get to see the lights." She made sure she looked suitably excited. Her dad would find it harder to say no that way. "Damned typical. Always a way to prolong the torture." Was his only comment. Sometimes her dad surprised her. "Hello Carol. Didn't I always warn you that getting involved with Kirk was a good way to get shot?"

Carol smiled slightly. "Yes, you did."

"And you didn't listen. No one ever listens to me."

Jim exchanged an amused look with her. "How's she doing, Bones?"

"She'll live. The lung is contused but inflated. No internal bleeding. You were damn lucky, Carol."

"I don't feel lucky."

"Most people don't when they're shot." Jim pointed out. "But I've always felt shot is better than dead."

"Damn right." Her dad agreed. "Now, the CMO is here, but I'm leaving Chapel to make sure you're in safe hands. Take it easy for the next few days."

"I imagine that the SI will be forcing me into a series of interviews, so I won't be doing much anyway." She pointed out.

Her dad blanched. "We best hurry up, Jim. We don't want to be here when those damn spies get here."

"No, I agree. Spock's keeping a lookout. Now, haven't you got a lecture you're supposed to be at?"

Her dad scowled. "You had to remind me. Come on Joanna. Let's go and listen to Itar Bolo make an idiot of himself again. If you listen closely you'll be able to see when he contradicts himself." Joanna could tell she was in for a fun afternoon – and unfortunately she was right.

Nevertheless, after a few hours of heated discussions between the galaxy's leading neurologists, her dad playing the unusual part of keeping the peace, all was quiet. The sun had set and Joanna stood in the great hall. The light was... well she didn't know if there was a word to describe it. The planet had no moon – the darkness was absolute outside – she'd gone to check. And yet inside the room it was as bright as daylight – brighter. The room shone with a myriad of colours, like light through stained glass. It was amazing. Incaptivating. And, if the various couples about the hall was any indication, romantic. Standing there alone, she felt strangely lost. She watched her dad and Christine laugh quietly, close and gentle, and felt a sense of something missing. She wanted that – what they had. But she had no idea how to get it. Vulcan boys didn't flirt – not in any way that she could recognise anyhow. She didn't know where to begin. She didn't know how to make someone love her. Especially someone like Jim.

"It is wery beautiful, no?" Chekov's voice stirred her from behind.

"Yes. Very." She smiled at him. "How's your eye?"

He touched it gingerly. "Oh, it is nothing. A bad punch. I am still a learner in fighting. I say to myself, one day I be as quick as the captain, but it is slow in coming."

"Well you looked quick to me, Anton."

He smiled at her. "You are kind. I did not expect you to fight also. No one did."  
>"I learnt at school."<p>

"You are wery good." She smiled at him, embarrassed, but relieved that he at least wasn't disgusted.

"Not really. It was just one man. He was probably as surprised as you were."

"You were wery brave also." She gave the man a side-long look. He was only eight years older than her – and that was nothing compared with her and Jim. He was a nice boy too – maybe a bit obsessed with his homeland, but clever and thoughtful. He always took the time to speak to her, to spend time with her when she was on the Enterprise. She could do a hell of a lot worse. But she was still a minor. And she wasn't attracted to him in the least. However, both those points were modifiable. She wasn't going to be fifteen forever – and maybe she'd come to like him the way she liked Jim. She was damn sure it would be more healthy. But what if he didn't like her back? He seemed to but... She had a mad idea and acted on it without thinking. That was her first mistake.

"Anton?"

"Yes?"

"You're very handsome, you know?" Well that sounded ridiculous. Is that what a girl said to a boy – or did it only work the other way around?

The man swallowed. "I... I thank you."

"You don't have to thank me. It's the truth. Any girl would be lucky to have you."

He shrugged. "There are not many women on the Enterprise that are believing of that."

"Well, they are obviously missing out. Don't you have a girlfriend?"

"No. No one."  
>"That's a shame. I think you're lovely. Do you think... well maybe when I was older... whether you'd want to date me?"<p>

The man started. She didn't miss the look of pure terror on his face. Well that was insulting. "I... You..." He swallowed. "Please excuse me, I have to speak to Commander Scott." And with that he disappeared.

For a moment, just a moment, Joanna felt like crying. Because she was doomed. That was an unmitigated disaster. Why, why, why had she thought that was a good idea? Now he was going to avoid her, and she would have to avoid him or die of embarrassment.

"I might be wrong, Joanna, but were you trying to flirt with my navigator?" Jim's voice made her jump, and she turned around to his grin with a scowl. Great. He'd heard it. Why did he have to seek her out now? Weren't there still women in the room that he hadn't spoken to first – or had he just sensed that she was going to be embarrassing herself in the near future and got ring-side seats?

"Go to hell, Kirk."

Jim frowned, and she realised she hadn't used his surname before. Well damn him. She wasn't a kid anymore and this wasn't a joke. "Are you upset?"

Her anger evaporated with his concern, but she attempted to hold on to it. It was at least better than the other emotions she had right now. "What do you damn well think?" She turned from him. Right now she was humiliated. She really didn't want to be teased. "I'm an idiot."  
>"Why, because you have a crush on Chekov?"<p>

"Don't be ridiculous." She immediately threw out the assignation, despite the fact she'd be trying to convince herself of the exact thing. "Because I thought it would be a good idea to try and..." What had she even been doing? "Flirt with him." She paused, then admitted. "I wanted to see if I could. I don't get a lot of practice."

"Ah." Jim chuckled. "Well you did try. And were very to the point. No one could have missed what you had in mind."

"Shut up." She felt a wave of depression. "I'm doomed to be alone, aren't I?"

"Of course you're not. You're like your dad and he manages."

That was different. "He's a man. Men expect women to be all...shy and sweet and... other stuff."

"Of course. All that other stuff is vital."

"Don't joke, Jim. It's not funny. I'm fifteen years old and no boy has even looked at me since I was twelve. Why can't I just be normal? If I was on Earth, I'm sure someone would have kissed me by now."

Jim gave her a long look. "You're really worried about this, aren't you? What's brought this on? You aren't usually worried about boys."

She shook her head. "No... but... Sometimes it would be nice for someone to like me."

"I like you."

"Not like that." She sighed. "I just don't know how to make someone want me. I'm not pretty."

"No, you're not." Jim agreed.

Great. Nothing like having the man you had been fantasizing about for years to bring you down to the planet. Just what she needed to hear from him. "Thanks."

"Well you're not. But it doesn't matter."

She snorted. "Yeah right. Of course it does. That's all boys care about. Even Vulcans only consider mating with someone who has desirable physical attributes to pass on to their progeny." She'd asked Toral about Vulcan relationships in great detail. Honestly, they didn't make much sense.

"I'm pretty sure that's how they justify physical attraction, Sassy."  
>That was her point. "Exactly. I'm doomed."<p>

Jim shook his head. "Listen Joanna. You have to understand one very important thing. There's only one type of woman."

"What?" She stared at him. Jim said the occasional sexist thing, it was true – but that was just... insulting. "I can't believe you just said that." She turned to walk away, but Jim held her arm.

"Hell, you're in a teenaged mood tonight. Let me finish, alright?"

She scowled at him. "Fine."

He looked amused. "Well, what I meant to say, is that there's only one type of woman – and that's a beautiful one."

"Shut up Jim. You just told me I wasn't pretty."

"True – and you're not right now. But any woman can be beautiful – put them in the right clothes, the right make-up, even the right surgery, and they're beautiful. It makes you all the same on the outside. The sensible man that realises this looks deeper. The most interesting woman has their beauty on the inside – and that's not something you can change with surgery."

Oddly, she realised he had a point. It was strange, because she'd always assumed that Jim was only attracted to pretty women. Now she knew he wasn't it made her feel much better. But not entirely. "Most men apparently aren't that sensible."

"No – some men can't see past the skin, it's true."

She sighed, looking at the ground. "Well, it doesn't give me much hope."

Jim stroked her cheek with his thumb. "You're wrong there. You're not beautiful – not how most men would see it. But you have... something about you. In a few years it will be your most powerful tool."

"Something?" She felt a pang of fear. Was something even good?

"Sure. You have this way of looking at someone Sassy, with those eyes of yours." He took her chin and forced her to look at him. He was strangely serious, and it made her nervous. "Trust me, most men won't be able to resist."

"Well they don't have much problem now."

"Maybe." He gave her a long look, one right down to the bone, that made her feel all hot and molten inside. "You don't need beauty, Joanna. You're captivating just as you are." She swallowed and he released her. "That being said, you really need some pointers on flirting."

"Will you teach me?" She asked hopefully.

He frowned slightly, as if shaking himself. "That's probably not a good idea Sassy. Your dad wouldn't like it at all."

"My dad wants me to die a spinster. I would like someone to kiss me at some point in my life. Preferably whilst sober." Preferably him.

He laughed. "Well that's reasonable. So how to seduce a man into kissing you..." He looked thoughtful. "Well, first thing you have to work out is exactly what they want."

"What do you mean?"

He scanned the room. "Well take that woman there – what do you see?"

He pointed to a small brown haired woman and she analysed her carefully, just the way he'd taught her playing watching people all those years ago. "Well she's about thirty. Works as a scientist here – I'm thinking geology. She doesn't really fit in with the other scientists – she's far too normal. That's why she's here. She's hoping that someone will talk to her. She's lonely."

Jim nodded. "Exactly. So what sort of man do you think she would want?"

She frowned. "I don't know. A normal one? Or maybe a geologist, like she is?"

"Maybe... I think you're missing the point Joanna. You've already worked out everything I would need. She's lonely. She feels that she doesn't belong. She needs a man that she can talk to – someone unbiased that will justify her feelings. I guarantee that if I just sat and listened to her for a few hours she would feel closer to me than any man in years. She's lonely, but she's a scientist – so she's logical. Non-spontaneous. She needs a degree of control. So I'd take things slowly. I wouldn't push. And I'd asked her express permission before I kiss her – she'd like that. I'd tell her that I didn't usually do that sort of thing – that she was different. Special. It's probably been a long time since someone's deliberately touched her and she craves it – so it would all fall into place after that. A seduction. Easy."

She stared at him. The way he looked at her was so... detached. Like he was deciding what was for dinner. She didn't understand that, because that wasn't what Jim was like in any other part of his life. "Is that what you do to every woman, Jim? Break her down like that?"

"Not to every woman. But any woman I'm interested in. There aren't many that are more complicated. The ones that are... well they're worth the extra time."

"So you're saying that to flirt... I don't really flirt?" He said he'd just listen. She'd never thought of that before.

"Exactly. Most men see what they want to see. They're different from women. Smile at them, make them feel good about themselves, be something they want to possess."

She shook her head bewildered. But he was right. He had made it seem easy. "So you just become what they want?"

"Yep."

"But... isn't that lying? How can someone fall in love with you if you're not yourself?"

Jim frowned, a look of pain passing across his face so quickly she wasn't sure if she'd seen it. "They don't. This isn't love, Joanna. This is seduction. You can't make someone fall in love with you." He shrugged. "I don't know much about it. If you want to know how to fall in love, you should speak to your dad. I'm sure he'd tell you that that sort of relationship should be based on honesty or something." He smiled slightly. "But you're far too young to fall in love."

She frowned. She didn't know about that. "Would it really work? If you did what you said?"  
>He nodded with complete assurance. "Yes." He gave her a sidelong look. "I would prove it to you Sassy, but we're leaving soon, and that would leave both of us frustrated."<p>

She interpreted that, and blushed deeply. Of course – Jim only seduced women so he could sleep with them. She'd forgotten that. She kicked herself. She was making him out to be some romantic hero – and he wasn't. "Well, that would be unfortunate." She said mildly. She wondered if there was a single woman on the ship he hadn't slept with. It was a horrible thought, and it quickly put a stop to the crazy thoughts she was having. Like asking him to teach her how to kiss. Bad idea. "Maybe another time."

"Maybe."

He was giving her a weird look. She was suddenly scared he could read her thoughts and pulled herself together. "Well thanks... For teaching me."

"No problem." He cleared his throat. "About earlier, Joanna."

Oh no. Was he angry about that? "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to spy."

"Of course you did, but I don't blame you. You should have been more careful though – plenty of places I've been to have some pretty nasty anti-spy security measures. The only reason we didn't was because we were trying to draw them out."

"You were?" She hadn't thought of that. The whole meeting was an attempt to draw out some spies? Then she thought it through. "That makes sense. If you'd been really holding a secret meeting, it would have been a lot easier to beam Carol to the Enterprise then to pull several crew from a lecture and into a room unseen."

"Exactly. Though I wasn't quite planning on a small army joining us."

"I guessed not."

He smiled at her. "You did well with that device you made. Scotty told me."

"It wasn't much. I just saw you needed a distraction."

He nodded. "Yep." He was studying the people around them. "But Joanna, next time there's phaser fire, don't run into it. That's not sensible."

She scowled. "Obviously. But I had a first aid kit, and wanted to check on Carol."

"Even so. It makes no sense to have two casualties instead of one." He sounded stern, his captain face on, and she felt guilty. He was right – it was idiotic to run into a room in active combat. But she hadn't thought.

"I'm sorry. I didn't think."

He reached down and took her hand. "For a moment, Sassy, I thought you might be worse than just hurt."

She could have died - she realised that suddenly. If that man had been slightly quicker she would be dead. She remembered Jim shouting her name and realised he'd thought that too. "I know. I... I didn't think." She was saying that an awful lot today. "But Carol was there, and he was going to hurt her. I wasn't trying to be brave or anything."

He smiled at her, and squeezed her hand. "I know you weren't. " He shook his head. "The fact you're naturally fearless is what scares the hell out of your dad – but there's nothing wrong with it. And there's nothing wrong with being brave. Just make sure you think it through first."

She nodded seriously. Lotoc always said her biggest failing was her impulsivity. "I'm sorry, Jim."

"Don't be. You saved Carol's life. But Joanna, nothing – and no one - is more important than keeping you safe."

That didn't make sense. Jim did brave reckless stuff regularly. "Why?"

"Well, your dad would kill me if anything happened to you."

She snorted. "Maybe." She looked up at him. "But how am I supposed to stand by and do nothing? You wouldn't."

He shrugged. "Honestly, I have no idea. But I'm the captain. You're a visitor on my ship. If anything happened to you it would be on my hands, Joanna. And I wouldn't be able to live with that."

He looked so serious that she reached out and embraced him tightly. It was strange – her dad being over-protective she found frustrating, but Jim doing the same thing filled her with warmth. "Nothing's going to happen to me, Jim. You wouldn't let it."

"No, I wouldn't." He stroked her hair affectionately. "And apparently those self-defence lessons you've been having at school are pretty good. I should feel sorrier for your opponent."

She laughed. "Yes you should. Unless my opponent is taller or stronger than me."

"So that's pretty much the entire galaxy then."

"Hey." She punched him on the arm and he held up his hands in mock surrender.

"Okay, okay." He rubbed his arm. "You're stronger than you look, kid."

"Don't call me kid,"

"Alright Sassy." He looked thoughtful. "Maybe we should have Galloway put you through your paces, and see what he thinks."

"Will you let me come on another away mission if he does?"

He laughed. "We'll see. I don't know if we can convince your dad."

"I'll wear him down. Dad will do anything for a quiet life."

"And you'll make sure it's not quiet?"

"Of course. Too much quiet isn't healthy."

"Absolutely." He put an arm around her and squeezed her. "And no one has quite the ability to fend off the quiet like you do."

_A/N – Well you all know what next chapter is - a seduction that's doomed to fail. But with a pair like these two, who's seducing who? The song for the next chapter is Demons by Imagine Dragons. Thanks for reading!_


	27. Seduction

26. Seduction

_A/N – Hi everyone. Long time no update, I know. My life keeps getting in the way, so apologies – I'm working more than 90 hours a week at the moment. I do intend to finish this story, fear not – I have the whole thing planned. So brings the next chapter of big emotional development as our plot thickens. Thanks for reading._

They say it's what you make

I say it's up to fate

It's woven in my soul

I need to let you go

Your eyes they shine so bright

I want to save that light

I can't escape this now

Unless you show me how

When you feel my heat

Look into my eyes

It's where my demons hide

It's where my demons hide

_Demons – Imagine Dragons_

"Conquest is easy. Control is not." _– James T. Kirk, Mirror Mirror, TOS_

Jim had been to plenty of receptions in his time – from quiet formal affairs that typified Starfleet's elite, to nerve-wracking political summits that invariably broke out in violence. However, as he studied the room he had to acknowledge that none had been quite like this. No – this certainly took things to a new low. To become an official on Adigeon took a particular type of being, that much was evident as he surveyed the room. The light was dim except for the pulsating strobes that lit the room in flashes, and the dim blue ring behind the bar. Women of all species, dressed in practically nothing, danced on tables, draped themselves across men on cushions, and led them back to their rooms. Men sat at tables and gambled, or watched prisoners attempt to kill each other in the cages, or gathered in groups to watch the dancers. There were a few apparent business women dotted within them, seemingly just as interested in the various exploits as the men, dressed in layers and layers of precious metals and jewels, but otherwise as scantily clad as the other women. He felt the first prickle of unease as he sat and watched them at the bar. How was Joanna going to get noticed? The women were beautiful and held nothing back – he could testify to that after sitting here for mere minutes. Joanna wasn't ugly, but she'd have to be something breath-taking to make any being here look up, and as much as he cared for her, that just wasn't the case.

The Cardassians were in a group on the other side of the room – he watched them carefully but made sure he stayed out of eyesight for now. They certainly were enjoying the women's attentions, that was for sure. This was a bad plan. Joanna was going to get herself shot. Get them both shot. Why had he gone along with it? What was wrong with him? He was a Starfleet captain. He'd led a Federation armada into battle. He'd held peace talks with the Klingons. He'd violated General Order Seven. And yet he'd heard a stupid plan and he'd agreed. Worse. He'd volunteered to help. True, he could see she'd do it no matter what he said. She was more damn stubborn than her father. But the idea of her seducing someone... anyone, but especially that Cardassian, made him feel nauseous. She'd been right, he'd done it himself, seduced women for the greater good. But this felt different. A small voice pointed out whether it would feel so different if it had been someone else doing it instead of her. He pushed the thought away and worked his mind through the sketchy plan.

He'd already scouted out the various exits from the hotel. None of them were great, but all were workable. He'd chosen his seat precisely so that a phaser shot from the Cadassians wouldn't reach him when they realised he was here. Now all he had to do was seduce Joanna. And that was where this plan fell apart. Of all the suggestions to come up with on the spot, it was one of the worst. Desperation had made him reckless. The consequences of this... Hell, he'd promised himself that he wouldn't do that – not to her. He should have been on the other side of the galaxy to keep her safe from himself. And if he was determined to make sure she stayed safe here he shouldn't be thinking of her as... well as anything above the age of ten. Damn, this was bad. It was his idea. What was he doing? She'd just felt so good in his arms this morning – so good that he'd let her go and slept in the chair. He just couldn't forget she was naked under there, couldn't stop visualising that skin, her tattoo. The feel of her... He was only a man. And she was... Joanna. Who removed his discomfort with a few short words and a laugh. Who always seemed to know what to say to ease him. Who, now he thought about it, he had absolutely no idea how to seduce. That stopped him short. Hell. He knew how to seduce every woman he'd ever met. And he knew Joanna better than any other person. He knew what made her laugh, what her favourite things were, he looked after her cat. But he had no idea at all what she wanted in a man. Japok was so different from her, so straight-laced that he wondered how they'd worked in the first place. What that what she wanted? And how many other men had there been in the years he'd kept away? What had they been like? But he didn't want to think about that, he realised. Not at all. He tried to think her carefully through instead. She kept secrets. She was spontaneous, hard-working, brave, sincere, insecure. Desperate to prove herself. And she didn't trust easily. She shouldn't have been difficult for him to work out, not at all. And yet she was. Because there was so much more to her than that, so many hidden depths. And as deeply as he knew her, she knew him. She could see through everything he tried. Not that this was real, he reminded himself. It was just a game. Just a game to attract the attention of Sarkat, a man that she really would be seducing. He felt a moment of nausea again and pushed it away. Best not to imagine them together. That was too much.

He almost didn't notice her enter, lost in thought as he was. In fact even if he'd been watching more closely he might have missed her, despite many eyes turning towards her as she entered the room. His own eyes followed the other glances after a moment, and his first thought was one of mute shock. The second was amusement. Because he'd underestimated her. Again. More the fool him.

Joanna was surreally beautiful. There was no doubt there, and, given the amount of makeup she was wearing, it was somewhat unsurprising. Her hair was blonde again, tied into a tight bun at the back of her head, just as he'd last seen her wear as Antonia. Similarly, she was dressed in black leathers that revealed nothing above her throat and yet clung to every curve of her body, and knee-high boots that added a few inches to her height. Her eyes were huge and accentuated on her face, but cold and calculating. She looked years older than she was, mature. She gave a bare glance to her audience, as if they were barely worth thought - as if she hadn't noticed all eyes turn to her, but she exuded danger as openly as the phaser she wore on her belt. And that was why she was so clever. Her clothing, her very manner, said everything. She was several classes above every other woman in the room. She knew it, the women who glanced at her with fear and envy knew it, and every man in the room also knew it, though few would be brave enough to approach. He watched Dram Sarkat's eyes follow her as she walked, recognition narrowing his eyes, before a predatory smile found his lips. Yes, Joanna was clever. Surrounded by cheap, she had become the exact opposite. And with that knowledge came a wave of relief. Because she wasn't Joanna. She was Antonia. And he knew exactly how to seduce a woman like Antonia.

He removed his eyes from her and turned back to his drink. He knew she'd come to him. This was a game he knew how to play, and he'd been planning these tactics since he'd seen this woman in a bar a few days ago. She took the seat next to him without comment, legs crossed, face blank. The back of her outfit had a slit in, he noticed, showing just a sliver of skin all the way down. For a moment his attention was caught.

"I dislike being stared at." Her voice was soft, but ran through him like honey. It was Joanna's voice, and yet not quite. She didn't look in his direction.

"That's not true." He commented blandly, and took a swallow of his drink.

"Oh?" There was no interest in her voice, but he caught it in the slight body language, a loosening up.

"A woman like you would not have walked into a place like this if she disliked being stared at."

"A woman like me?"

She turned her head ever so slightly, glancing at him with those huge eyes. He continued to view his drink. Her eyes were too distracting and he had a game to play. "Another man in this room might call you beautiful."

"Another man?" Her voice remained cold, but he caught definite interest from the corner of his eye.

"A more foolish man. There are many beautiful women in this room." He gestured around them. "You are far more than that." He took another sip of his drink, but the words tumbled out anyway. "You are captivating."

For a moment amusement flickered through her eyes, if not her face, and Antonia flashed into Joanna. He felt a wave of self-satisfaction, which, given the precarious situation they found themselves in, he shouldn't have felt at all. Thankfully Joanna disappeared just as quickly as she'd come.

"You are very quick to share your views."

"I'm merely making conversation."

"I'm in no mood for conversation."

"Then why sit down next to me?"

She frowned at him, looking at him fully. He noticed that the bartender was listening avidly, and pretending very hard not to be. "Have we met before?"

"Yes. I believe you were accompanied by some irate Cardassians at the time who were rather of the mind to shoot me."

She cocked her head at him. "The man at the bar."

"That's me. So, are you here with them tonight?"

"I'm here with no one."

"That's rather difficult to believe, given that the same Cardassian is watching you very closely right now."

She shrugged. "Let him watch. He's good at that. Do you have a name?"

He almost gave her his own, but caught himself just in time. "Jack Valentine."

"And what brings you here, Jack Valentine?" Her voice was a caress but she studied him with cool interest and just the right amount of suspicion. "Or are you looking to get involved in something that is not your business again."

"I'm here for the excellent entertainment." He studied his drink calmly.

"Clearly not so excellent if you have to sit at the bar." She raised her eyebrows slightly. He realised that she was appealing, this cool, confident woman – more than just as a game. And that this woman was Joanna underneath was slightly disorientating. But no, not Joanna, Antonia. He forced himself to focus.

"No, perhaps not. But I do meet far more interesting people at the bar. Besides, your friends the Cardassians seemed rather keen on shooting me last time we met, and I'd rather keep my distance."

"I see."

"Do you have a name? Or do you prefer to stay mysterious?" She smiled slightly and he continued. "It's probably a good plan. Given the stir you're causing plenty of women have cause to hate you."

She frowned. "You think _I_ would be scared of vendettas from women whose brains weigh the same as the clothing they're wearing?"

"No, maybe not. You seem to know how to use that phaser after all." She continued to frown at him for a moment, then turned back to the bar, ignoring him. He had a distinct feeling that he was losing. Damn. "So, do you have a name?"

"I have many."

"I bet that you do." He avoided her eyes, as much as she did his, but continued in a low voice, just reaching enough that the bartender could hear. "You know, of all the places you could come tonight, you came here, and sat by me. You don't seem to be a woman who does anything accidently, so tell me, did you have business in mind, or was there something else I could help you with?"

A dark smile flickered across her face. "Perhaps something else, Valentine. I am Antonia Salvatori." The barman dropped his glass with a clatter and looked up in terror. Clearly her reputation had preceded her. She turned her cold eyes to the barman, dark with a malicious amusement, clear she'd known he'd been listening. "Bring me a Ferengi rum." She ordered him. The barman poured it with a shaking hand and handed it to her. She met his eyes for a long moment, and he felt a flicker of the fear the man probably felt. There was something disturbing in that gaze. "I very much dislike listeners. I suggest you make yourself scarce."

The barman dropped his rag and disappeared, ignoring the other customers. Jim knew that half the people in the room were going to know her identity in the next two minutes, and would probably abandon the room with him. Word would pass to the Cardassians in due course – enough to attract their attention again. Jim vaguely wondered exactly what Joanna had done, or at least said she'd done, to gain Antonia such a reputation.

"Antonia Salvatori." Jim mused. "I've heard of you, by reputation of course. If I'd known who you were I might not have got involved at the previous bar."

"But you still would have got involved in this one?"

"Only a fool would ignore a woman like you when she sits down beside him."

"Or perhaps a wise man."

"Perhaps." He smiled at her. "But your interest in me is unmistakable."

"Is that so?" Her lips curved to a cold smile. "Perhaps I am merely intrigued as to why you are here. Humans are not common in such a place."

"True. They aren't. I'm a merchant."

"Of what?"

"Whatever I can shift."

"I see. And your invite to here?"

He smiled at her. "My looks are inviting enough, or so you think."

She gave him a long look, which he returned. "I dislike people assuming things about me."

"True. You do. But I'm not assuming a thing – I'm just not playing any games." He lowered his voice, increasing its intensity. "You want me, Antonia Salvatori. We both know what happens in the end. Play games if you must, but why make things more complicated?"

Her eyes narrowed at him. That should have been a warning. She leaned towards him, voice hot, and all he could see was a smooth neck as she whispered in his ear. "I play very few games, Jack Valentine, and the ones I do should be warning enough." She leaned back, fixing him with a gaze so hot it burnt right through him. Her voice increased in volume just slightly, silky smooth and fascinating. For a moment he forgot she was Joanna, or Antonia, or hell, any damn woman he'd ever met before, because she was something entirely new. "I am not some woman so easily seduced. So allow _me_ to tell_ you_ about you, Jack Valentine. You saw me when I walked in, recognised me, and had immediately decided to re-enact the plan you'd made when we'd first met. You've played this game infinite times before, with infinite women - stupid, brilliant, innocents, you've been with them all. Your goal is the same each time – yet I don't think that you even realise what it is, or what you're searching for. Each joining leaves you colder than the last, emptier, so you search for a greater challenge, hoping to fill that void that's inside of you, hoping that you might feel something that's real in a farce built on lies. And you think I would become one of those women?" He couldn't speak, as those eyes pinned him there, dark and beautiful, as her words carved an imprint onto his soul. "I would destroy you, Jack Valentine, destroy you as readily as I would save you." And suddenly this was no game, no con. He wanted her in a way that shook his control and made him forget who he was. And just as quickly her eyes broke his. "Hello, Sarkat."

He sat back, heart beating hard. He hadn't even noticed the Cardassian's arrival. He attempted to calm himself. How had she known that about him? No one knew that. No one. What she had said suggested that she could read him better than he'd ever thought. That was disturbing. Damn, he was supposed to be seducing her, not the other way around.

"Antonia. Always a pleasure to see you, if not unexpected." The man appraised her warmly. Her eyes took on a look of cold contempt.

"Being where is expected might get a woman killed on this planet. As for pleasure, Sarkat, well I suppose it might be, on your part." Her voice was calm, as if she hadn't just summed up his entire life in a few short sentences moments ago.

"Of course. And such company. You do recognise him, do you not?"

"Yes." Her eyes shifted back to his. "I was debating on whether to kill him, or allow him to continue to entertain me with his pathetic attempts at seduction."

The Cardassian snorted. "I'd recommend the former. I would be willing to help you if you'd rather not dirty your hands." Jim's own hand moved to his phaser.

Antonia shrugged, unconcerned. "Later, perhaps. He intrigues me right now."

"I see." The Cardassian's eyes narrowed, and Jim realised Joanna was playing the card that had been the whole point on his presence – jealousy. "Well, if it is entertainment you are in need of, please allow me to help."

A bored look grew on Joanna's face. "I don't mix business and pleasure, Sarkat, as you well know. Go back and play with your crew. The women over there held your attention just fine moments ago."

"Yet how could I be entertained when the most beautiful women in the room sits here?" Sarkat purred. Jim rolled his eyes very obviously and the Cardassian's hand twitched towards his phaser. "However, I would never presume. Come and find me when you bore of this little Human."

Antonia shrugged non-committally and irritation flitted again across the Cardassian's face as he turned away. Jim realised that Joanna hadn't boasted – she was good at seduction. No, good didn't do her justice. After all, she'd been taught by the best. She was going to have little problem with Sarkat. Then he realised something else - deep down he'd been hoping she wouldn't succeed. But she would. And she would bed Sarkat – with everything that involved. This girl, who, he couldn't forget just a few hours ago could barely walk, with a man like him. He felt nauseous again.

"You play a very dangerous game." He said blandly, focusing on his drink to avoid her gaze.

"Perhaps – although the danger isn't my own. I did warn you. I doubt you'll keep up, Valentine. Perhaps you should leave now, while you can."

"When things are getting interesting? No matter what you say, Salvatori, the outcome remains the same."

She smiled slightly. "So you say. Sarkat is a very dangerous man to cross, I'm told."

"Is that so?" He returned her smile. "Then maybe you shouldn't cross him."

"I was more concerned for you."

"Well, your concern is touching, no doubt, but it's not _him_ I'm worried about."

That did make her smile widely, and he knew that Sarkat, somewhere, was watching. "You would be right to be worried."

Jim studied her. Somewhere underneath all that coldness there was Joanna. Yet, Antonia wasn't quite so different from the Joanna he now knew – that hardness was Joanna's now. That thought disturbed him slightly. Exactly where did she draw that line? And exactly where did he? How different was seducing Joanna from Antonia? Best not think of that.

"So, are all the rumours about you true?" He asked her with an interested smile.

She downed her drink in a single swallow. That was impressive – Ferengi rum burnt like hell on the way down. But then she was her father's daughter. "Probably."

"Should I be disturbed?"

"As I said, I don't mix business with pleasure."

"Looks like you might make an exception in the Cardassian's case."

She shrugged. "Why would you think that?"

"Because I get the feeling you're the sort of women that likes to see how hard she can push someone."

"And I get the feeling you're a man who says exactly what a woman want to hear."

"Only when I'm interested in hearing what the woman wants to say."

"I want to _say_ very little."

"So I've noticed. You're definitely a doer if I ever saw one."

"True." She smiled at him again and this time it reached her eyes. He felt that attraction pull at him again.

"Out of interest how often do you pick up strange men at bars?"

"Do you really want to know the answer to that?"

"No, probably not." He shrugged. "So, have you had enough of talking yet?"

Her eyes were cold again. "Yes." And all at once her phaser was in her hands and pointed at him. "I warned you." He froze, not exactly knowing what game she was playing. She leaned forward, her aim unwarering, and kissed him very slowly on one cheek, then the other. He quickly put two and two together. Sarkat was watching again. He disarmed her in less than a second, but kept just as close, holding her chin with his free hand.

"So you like things that way? Care to search me for knives?"

She smiled slightly but she caught his arm before he'd managed to remove his knife from his belt, and disarmed him just as quickly as he had her, pressing it against his neck as he swung her phaser against her head.

"It appeared we're at an impasse." He said calmly. Her eyes flared like lava. Or hot honey. Damn, he wanted to kiss her. "On three?"

"Very well."

He counted and they both lowered their weapons. "That was unexpected." He commented dryly.

She gave him a long look. "As you said, I like to see how hard I can push someone."

"Fairly hard, I gather."

"We should call that a taster. If you can't keep up with that, you have little chance."

"Why do I get the feeling this a competition?"

She said nothing, but stood calmly. "You tell me."

"I am surprised you didn't shoot him." Sarkat's voice echoed over his again. Damn, Joanna was distracting him so much he'd missed his approach again.

"As am I." She touched the Cardassian's arm. He was a full foot taller than her, even with her boots. "He bores me."

"Well I am always at your service. And perhaps you will not find me quite so easily dominated."

Something in him made him fight, made him snort ironically. "Really, because she sent you away and you left like a whipped puppy." The Cardassian went for his phaser, but Jim was at his just as quickly. They pointed them at each other, and Jim felt a wave of dislike so strong it wouldn't take much to fire it. Easy now.

Antonia's voice was cold. "This is hardly entertaining, Sarkat. I already know you know your way around a phaser. I need no demonstration."

"That may be so, but if you'd care for a reminder..?"

She frowned, then walked away from them both as if she couldn't care less if they shot each other. Perhaps she didn't.

Sarkat looked irritated. Jim forced himself to smile and ignore his pounding heart. He couldn't blow this. Joanna would kill him. "Well, you have two options right now. You can try and shoot me, I can shoot you, and you might die, or I might die, or we both might. Or you can lower your weapon, attempt to seduce the only woman worth seducing in the room, and then watch when she leaves with me. I guess you're not having a particularly good day."

Sarkat's eyes narrowed, and he looked at him properly for the first time all night. That wasn't good. "Who are you?"

"Waiting on your decision." The Cardassian gave him a long look, and Jim had the feeling that the man was going to come back to bite him if he wasn't careful. "The choice is yours, but personally I would prefer not to die today."

Sarkat's voice was cold but it was clear his options were limited. "I imagine. Let me make this clear, Human. If I see you again, I will shoot you irrelevant of the desires of my companion."

Jim forced himself to laugh. "Then you'd better keep her close, because I'll be waiting for her when you fail and I have the feeling she's not the sort of woman who suffers disappointment well."

"I never fail. A woman like her needs a firm hand – she looks for it. That is something you clearly would not understand. And that is why I have no concerns about leaving you alive." The man still looked ready to shoot him, despite his words, and it was painful to watch him lower his phaser. But he did. Jim lowered his too, looking disgruntled. Hell, he didn't want to know what a firm hand from a Cardassian would involve, but he could guess. He watched Sarkat catch up with Antonia, who was clearly displeased with him but allowed herself to be talked round. He could see her flirting with him in her own dark way – little movement, little response, coldness with the occasional hints of a deeper fire that could be unleashed – something that would drive a man mad with need, especially one who was used to getting what he wanted. Joanna was too good at this. It bothered him. Had he taught her that? Of course he had – he'd taught her the whole lot - and he'd expected her to use it too. But on a nice boy that she could take home to her dad. On someone that wasn't an arms-dealer. Or a Starfleet captain too old for her and wrong for her in every possible way. Guess he just hadn't made that part clear.

He watched them spar one another – first with words, then with knives. Joanna knew her way around her knives, that was for sure. Sarkat looked positively delighted with one pressed hard against his stomach, another at his neck. Particularly when she let herself be disarmed. He dragged her head back by her hair and kissed her hard on the mouth. Joanna bit him and he laughed and slapped her hard. Every instinct was to go to her then. He'd never watch any man do that to a woman. How could he watch this? How had she expected him just to sit back and not interfere? But Joanna just lifted her head with a cold smile that suggested she'd liked it and then licked the blood from Sarkat's lips. Hell. She was Antonia – not Joanna, he told himself. That was who she was pretending to be. That was who she'd been all night. But inside she was the same as the woman he'd slept next to last night – that bruised, half-frozen woman he'd had to pull out of the ocean, terrified that she might be dead. That woman who'd smiled at him, made it clear his flirting had no effect, yet looked at him with that lost look that made him need to save her, to help her, to make things better. The girl who'd become a woman that he needed to stay away from and yet just couldn't. Joanna. He helped himself to a bottle behind the bar. He didn't care what the contents were right then.

He watched them flirt – or whatever the hell that was – for a while longer, sipping his drink and enjoying the warmth it provided. Images of breaking the Cardassian's nose flickered through his mind, and he pushed them away. He wanted to do more than break his nose. If he hurt her... If he – if they... Then all at once he noticed they were gone. When had that happened? He stood up in panic and realised that the ground was spinning slightly. Damn – what the hell had he been drinking? This was not a good time to be drunk. Not at all. Why the hell had he expected synthenol in a place like this? He vaguely saw Sarkat's crew watching him again. Well great – he could take them, even tipsy. Best to act drunker than he was though – throw them off the scent. He swayed across the room and found the acting surprisingly easy. He had to get to Sarkat's room. He had to stop this.

"You are being most illogical." He said to himself in his best Spock impression. "Did you not agree to this?" But that was before he watched them... he saw her... Why the hell did it make any difference? "She will not be pleased if you interfere." Well screw her. Who was she to give him orders?

He never saw the punch coming. Then somehow he was on the ground and there were plenty of them beating him. Thankfully he'd been in plenty of bar fights, and was usually far drunker whilst in them. The alcohol did do a nice job of dulling the pain, even if his reflexes weren't quite what they should have been. Did a nice job of silencing the Vulcan in his head too. There were three of them nicely on the floor before he knew exactly what he'd done.

"You're going to want to sleep that off." He wisely told the unconscious Cardassian next to him. He pulled himself to his feet and didn't miss that security were coming for him. Obviously Sarkat had wanted to make sure they weren't disturbed – and had paid someone a lot of money to make sure it happened. It didn't bode well for Joanna. He glanced at the exit to the upper floors and found them blocked by several huge men with even larger phasers. He probably wouldn't get past those in a hurry. "Think. You have to think." He told himself. Service staircase – through the kitchens. He turned and made his way out.

He knew where Sarkat was staying. It hadn't been hard to find out. Fifth floor – centre of the corridor. However, just a glance at the hall from the stairs told him that he was never going to be able to make it to her. There were Cardassians everywhere. As if they were expecting him. Damn. He needed a distraction. A distraction. His eyes alit onto the door lock panel. He pulled off the front and pulled out the wires. Rubbed them together so they sparked. Put them back into the panel. And watched it burst into flames. The sirens wailed almost immediately – and as he had hoped, and extinguishing dust fell from the ceiling. The Cardassians were shouting, running about, and stirring up the dust further – making it even easier for him to slip past in the clouds. He knocked the one Cardassian out that was sensible enough to remain at his post and broke through the door lock in a few seconds. The doors slid open and he was in.

There were no lights on in the chambers. That made him nervous. He crept around, listening for anything. What had he done with her – or where they already done? Was she in a room somewhere, unconscious? Dead? No – no she couldn't be. He'd seen her die. He knew when she... but that was what he was trying to change. What if he'd changed too much – she could die before he fell in love with her, that's what they had said. Except he'd never fall in love with her. She'd never die. Hell, he'd drunk too much. He walked through every room with a sickening feeling. "Computer, lights on."

It was empty. They'd never been here. The sickening feeling grew. She'd known he would come. She'd known – and so she'd stopped him interfering. She'd gone somewhere else. He felt anger, real anger rouse up against her. Fine. Let her deal with this on her own. If she wanted to get herself bedded by a violent Cardassian let her. Why the hell should he care? Why the hell was he trying to pretend she was some girl that he'd once cared about? So what if he beat her unconscious – she'd say it was worth it. Worth that precious information. Clearly worth more than he was to her. He only looked after her because she was her dad's daughter. Bone's daughter. His heart told him that was a lie. A little girl's face rose up in his mind, eyes so trusting and gentle. 'Maybe we'll find each other.' He swore under his breath and climbed out of the window as the guards entered the room.

His options were limited after that. It wasn't hard to find the Jariot Hotel – he'd already located it earlier, and it was next to a particularly notorious casino that could be spotted more than a mile away if only for its garish lighting. He took a few precautions to make sure that he wasn't followed before entering the foyer. The Orion at the desk gave him a strange look when he asked for Marlena Moreau's room – one of Joanna's more strange aliases no doubt - but said nothing when she scanned his hand for the entry-pad. It was a better hotel than he'd expected, especially given the location – moderately quiet, with groups of tourists on the way out to a night of the planet's attractions. His head was beginning to hurt. The effects of the alcohol were rapidly wearing off.

The room was standard – a large bedroom, a small bathroom, and a wardrobe that on careful examination revealed a hidden drawer full of weapons. Joanna certainly liked her hidden things. Now all he needed was a bike or ship or something to be stowed under the carpet, and things would be complete. A glance in the mirror told him why the Orion had stared at him. His head was bleeding all over his shirt. He wasn't entirely sure when he'd done that, but he was pretty sure that Bones would say it wasn't a good sign if he hadn't even noticed. Certainly explained why his head hurt – and why everything was still wobbly. Then again, the alcohol wasn't helping. He pulled off his shirt and washed his face. He would let Joanna explain the bloody towels when she got back. When she got back... Why wasn't she back yet? Hell, how long was he supposed to wait? What if something had happened to her? He attempted to re-grasp that earlier anger, but worry left it far away. He wasn't good at waiting. How were people supposed to wait? He charged his phaser, pulled his knife into his belt and lay out on the bed, drumming his fingers anxiously on the covers. Waiting... He considered leaving to find her – only he had no idea where to look. She didn't want to be found, clearly. He wondered what sorts of things Antonia would get up to with a Cardassian. Things he couldn't imagine Joanna doing – or even wanting to do. Not that he'd imagined much about what Joanna wanted in bed. Though now he thought about it... He hesitated. He didn't want to think about it. That was too dangerous, too close to those memories. But she'd been something else tonight – when she wasn't Antonia. Someone interesting. Someone a bit like Joanna – a smart, grown-up, sexy Joanna. The sort of Joanna that kissed him back the way she had in those caves. The Joanna who looked at him with dark eyes in his dreams and... He forced his brain straight again. This was killing him. Maybe he should go and find the Orion in reception and get whatever this was out of his system. It had been a while after all. But he had a bad feeling that was not going to work. He was too anxious. And it wasn't her. Not that he had any idea in hell why that would make a difference. And he was a hell of a liar when he was drunk. He needed to go and look for her. He needed to check she was safe. Only he couldn't. His thoughts moved round and round. He wanted her. He had to find her. He'd lost her. He'd lost her and he couldn't feel pain like that. Not ever again.

The sound of someone on the keypad woke him and his phaser was in hand and pointing before he'd woken properly. Joanna all but ignored him as she walked in. Her clothes were the same as earlier – all leather, and apparently untouched, but her face was all Joanna. Blank, but not cold.

"Nice of you to join me." He said rather harshly. Yet he felt relieved. Relieved and hurt simultaneously. A strange mixture.

Joanna looked at him levelly, head tilted to one side, dark eyes assessing as she pressed a small button on the door and a forcefield hummed into place. He was too far gone to be surprised by anything she did these days. "Are you alright?" He could see concern in those eyes, and for a moment he couldn't bear that, because he was going to cross the room and show her that he wasn't alright at all. How could she just come in and act so... normally. After what she'd done. Worse, he understood. He understood exactly why she needed things to be normal. Why she wouldn't want to talk about it.

"Fine." He smiled at her. "Great."

Her eyes narrowed. "Is that blood?"

"Not much. I left it mostly in the bathroom."

Her eyes narrowed further. "Are you drunk?"

He wondered how she'd picked up on that. "Hopefully." His thoughts weren't as easy to understand right now if he wasn't.

Real anger crossed her face suddenly. She folded her arms. Things never boded well when a woman folded her arms. "Do you have any idea how dangerous that was? Getting drunk on a mission like this?"

He snorted. "You mean like getting into bed with a Cardassian weapons-dealer?" A raw expression crossed her face before the anger was back.

"Go to hell Jim. What the hell were you thinking? What if you said something? Or led someone here?"

"I didn't."

"Excuse me if I don't put much stock in your memory whilst you're drunk. Hell Jim – don't you ever think?"

"Of course I thought. I thought the whole time you had your tongue down the Cardassian's throat. But there's only so much thinking I fancied doing about that – so I decided to start thinking about my glass instead."

She stared at him a while longer, and he finally took stock of her – the way she was leaning on the desk. The way her neck was bruised and scratched. The fact she was clearly not as calm as she usually was, her eyes stormy. He wasn't thinking. He wasn't thinking at all, letting her make him angry. "Joanna, are you-?"

"I need to take a shower." She abruptly interrupted him, disappearing into the bathroom without another glance.

Her shower took eighteen minutes and thirty-six seconds. He knew because he counted. Eighteen minutes? He didn't think he'd ever spent that long in the shower in his life – and that included when he wasn't alone. He knew why she was in there though.

She was towelling her hair dry when she came out. She was still blonde, but her hair hung in long waves. He'd always liked her hair. She was in loose trousers and a shirt. Nothing close to her skin. He could guess why that was too.

"Did it make you feel cleaner?" Her eyes fixed on him. She looked vulnerable and he felt a need to make it better again. And anger at himself that he did so. She didn't need rescuing. She'd made that clear. "The shower?"

"No." Her voice was soft. She sat on the end of the bed, face away from his.

"It doesn't. Most things don't you know." Not women, or alcohol, or danger. Not that it stopped him trying. "Sell your body and it's like selling your soul. Each time you lose a piece – and then you look in the mirror and you don't recognise who you are anymore, or why the hell anyone would want anything that's left." He shut his eyes and his mouth. The alcohol was making him talk. That never worked out well for him. Especially on this subject. He took a deep breath. "Did you do what you have to do?"

"Yes. I got it. And protected what was important." There was a catch to her voice he didn't really understand.

"Well that's applause all round. You managed to bed him all on your own. Didn't even need rescuing." He sounded bitter. When had he grown so bitter? That wasn't him, not at all.

She turned to him, eyes fiery. "Someone set off the fire alarms."

"Someone did."

"I thought I told you to stay out of things? I could deal with this myself. Damn it Jim, you were drunk. You could have got yourself killed."

"And you could have been killed by an insane Cardassian. Already took a beating, didn't you?" She stood up again, facing him angrily, and he instinctively knew he was close to the mark. "What would you have done if the fire alarm hadn't gone off? How close to unconsciousness were you?"

"You're an idiot."

"Says the woman who was resuscitated a day ago and decides to throw herself at a man who had no qualms about killing you. You tell me which one of us has a death wish."

For a moment he thought she might slap him. "Why the hell do you never listen? You just can't bear it, can you – not being involved? You have to be the damn centre of everything. I'm not a child anymore, and I don't need you getting yourself killed because you have a damned hero complex."

"No, of course, because you shouting is the height of maturity." His voice was far calmer than he felt.

"Go to hell." Her eyes blazed like lava. "So what was it? You didn't like losing to Sarkat? Were you jealous, Jim? Well let me tell you something, even if he hadn't been there, I still wouldn't have gone to bed with you."

This was spiralling into something he wasn't sure he wanted to get into. "If you say so."

"I do say so. Not used to rejection, are you? What would you have done if I'd said no – if it hadn't been a game? Forced yourself on me and told yourself that I wanted it anyway no matter what I said? Follows your rules, doesn't it? Because no woman would reject you, isn't that right Jim?"

The comment hit its mark. He stood up, towered over her, feeling angrier than he had in a long time. Because if she thought he would ever, _ever_... "So you think I'm capable of rape? _You_, of all people, think that?"

She continued to meet his eyes furiously, but must have seen something dangerous in his face because she lowered her eyes. "No. I don't." Her voice grew softer. "I'm sorry."

"You know nothing about me, Joanna. Nothing."

He moved away, onto the other side of the room, because right then he wasn't entirely sure what he would do. He was concussed, and not sober and she could bring out a side of him he usually kept locked away. He forced his mind to coldness. Only he couldn't. She was hurting – she always struck out when she was, and she knew him well enough to know exactly what would hurt him back. Worse, he didn't know how to make this better. He wasn't even sure if it was possible. He just wanted to hold her, the way he always had when she was a child, when that was enough to repair most damage. He wanted to show her that what she'd just been through with Sarkat – that wasn't how men were, or how they should be. With him, it would be so different. With him...

He heard her cross the room to him. Her voice was very soft. "You're wrong. I know everything about you." He met her eyes. The anger was all gone, filled instead with that warm expression he'd seen when she'd been someone else, and for a moment he thought she'd reach up and kiss him. He wanted her to. Very much. Instead she reached out and touched his shoulder, traced the outline of a scar. "You received this one trying to rescue a Fallon engineer. You saved half her crew and destroyed a biological weapon that would have killed billions." She reached towards his other shoulder, where a pale, faded scar sat. Her fingers were cool. "This you received when the Tzenkethi tortured you during the Year War. You never broke. You went on to save every prisoner, then to win a great victory against the Tzenkethi armada." Her eyes remained on his, showing her understanding. She knew the cost. The cost of every one. She touched his side. "You were stabbed by the Orion highlord when you refused to allow his daughter to be sold into slavery. She started the Freedom movement, which saved many other females from slavery across the quadrant, but lost her life." She touched beside his naval, and then his chest, his neck, his arms, detailing every scar, fingers gentle. Some were so faded he'd forgotten they were there – they could barely be seen by the naked eye. Years of service. Of battles. Of losses. But she remembered. Every one. Every injury he'd ever had. He watched her, fascinated and aching with something he didn't understand.

Her hand swept his stomach, resting there. He knew why. "This one was from Ebor Dau. You almost lost your life." Her voice trembled. "Because of what I am." Ebor Dau. He remembered her face, refusing to let him die. That small girl who'd refused to give up. She'd saved his life then, just as much as he'd saved hers. His Joanna.

Then with a trembling hand she touched the underside of his chin and he felt his own hands shake. There was no scar there – Bones had taken care of it whilst he was unconscious. That scar was written on his soul more deeply than any other. "This one you received fighting Khan. You gave your life to realign the warp core and save your crew. You died for them." That was when this all started. When Khan had started it all. When he'd won a battle and opened an empty box. Only he hadn't guessed who she was then. Not until later. That scar was what he saw every time he looked in the mirror. The cost of what would happen if he fell in love. With her.

"Joanna..." She ignored him, reaching up to trace one last scar. One that she couldn't know the origin of. A crescent shaped scar across his left breast.

"And this one... This is the first scar you had. The first scar I ever saw." He saw a small smile curve her lips as she studied it. She was remembering, he was sure, the day they met. Her eyes met his again, solemn as they had been that first day. "This is the one you try to forget. The scar that made you who you are." She was clever. Too clever. And she knew him too well. But not that. She couldn't know that. "This is the one you got when you tried to kill your stepfather." She said softly. He stared at her. How...? And if she knew that, did she know about... But no. She couldn't. If she knew who she was to him... who she could be..."Everything." She repeated firmly, watching his face. Her hand continued to trace that crescent. The hurt was gone now, replaced by a feeling that he didn't understand. He felt a sudden need to be closer to her.

"Let's go to bed, Sassy."

She nodded, dropping her hand and moving resolutely, if painfully. He couldn't help but smile to himself when she got into the side he'd been lying on, but then a wave of hesitation hit him. This... it was wrong... Maybe he should sleep on the floor? Just Joanna. The little girl. Bones' daughter.

"Lie down Jim." Joanna ordered him. He remembered her saying something like that before, vaguely, and her hands wiping the hair from his face. The night he couldn't remember. The night everything had changed. When he'd finally started to guess who Joanna might be. When he'd woken fully dressed and felt real relief and an ache that he'd had to leave her. "Lie down." She repeated, and he didn't hesitate. She curled into his side and he ran his hand through her hair. It felt right. Too right.

"Jim?"

"Yep."

He felt her pause, and then, before he'd worked out what was happening, she'd kissed him very softly and chastely on the lips. He attempted to ignore his raging feelings, and the desire to pull her close and kiss her deeper. It did _not_ mean what he wanted it to. Just Joanna.

"What was that for?"

"For being you." She raised her eyebrows at him with a smile that made his heart beat harder still. He'd always have her smile at him like that if he could. "Don't worry, you won't remember it in the morning."

"Don't be so sure, kid." Jim wasn't sure he was drunk enough for all that. Not at all.

"Don't call me kid."

He brushed his lips to her forehead affectionately. "Alright Sassy. Goodnight."

"Night Jim."

It took a long time for her to fall asleep. He felt the wetness fall onto his hand, but said nothing, stroking her hair silently in understanding. Eventually her breathing deepened. He felt the ache in his chest, and knew what would happen if he stayed. That it might already be too late. And he knew he'd have to leave again.

_A/N – the song for the next chapter will be Bleeding Out by the Imagine Dragons (again!). It's time for Ebor Dau and a continuation of the previous chapter. More drama to come! Thanks again for reading._


	28. Ebor Dau

27. Ebor Dau

_A/N: __Don't faint! This is me updating after more than a year! Apologies for being so long. 2014 was a particularly bad year for me, with ill health and the deaths of several close friends. For some reason my alerts had gone off too, and it wasn't until I happened to look a month ago and realised that people were still reading and reviewing that I put pen to paper again. Apologies for not responding to all your reviews and messages – I am ever so grateful for them. I made a promise I'd finish this story and I will – it's all planned out. So bear with me. Here's the continuation of 2 chapters ago (The spy) to put a few more things into context. Thank you for all your support and for continuing to read._

You tell me to hold on  
>But innocence is gone<br>And what was right is wrong

'Cause I'm bleeding out  
>So if the last thing that I do<br>Is to bring you down  
>I'll bleed out for you<p>

_Bleeding Out – Imagine Dragons_

"I weary of the chase. Wait for me. I shall be merciful and quick." _– Gorn Captain, Arena, TOS_

Stardate: 2264

Jim: Aged 31

Joanna: Aged 15

"You know, she might take it a bit better if you, you know, actually talked to her about it, Bones." Jim slid his chips into the pile with an amused smile. "And I raise you."

"Damn it Jim." The doctor scowled at his cards, glanced at the Vulcan beside him accusingly, then threw in his own chips. "What the hell am I meant to say? You know she's sensitive about it."

"Of course she is. She's fifteen years old and can remember _everything_." Jim threw him a grin and took a card. "All those awkward moments… I'd get sick of seeing your grumpy face in my thoughts too."

"Go to hell." McCoy took a mouthful of his drink with another scowl.

Spock rose an eyebrow, adding his thoughts to the conversation. "I would consider, Doctor McCoy, that given your occupation, and as a father to a daughter, you have had many more difficult discussions with Joanna than concerning her eidetic memory."

Jim snorted but couldn't resist. "Yeah, Bones. How did your talk about the birds and the bees go?" He clarified to Spock's raised eyebrow. "I mean sex Spock." Spock inclined his head curiously.

"None of your damn business."

Jim grinned. "That good, eh?"

The doctor's eyes narrowed. "I'll have you know it went fine."

Jim chuckled, interpreting that correctly. "Meaning she already knew about it. And probably more about it than you would like."

Bones scowled, shaking his head, but poured them all another drink. "Damned if I know where the hell she learnt it all – especially when she was only twelve years old. Probably from her mother." Jim grinned because he could think of a place or two... not including her mother.

Spock gave his half-smile, clearly thinking the same thing. "I have always considered your daughter extremely well-read."

"You would." Bones retorted, then sighed. "Hell. I don't know what to do. I don't want her to feel like we're experimenting on her. She's not a damned lab rat."

Spock looked perplexed. "I fail to understand your predicament, Doctor. Joanna has a rare ability. It is the nature of science to study the rare. I do not understand why you have yet to do so. As I have said on several previous occasions, I would be happy to make my own analysis of her."

"You are not melding with my daughter!" Bones shouted, half-rising and almost taking the table with him.

"Alright Bones. We know that already. Sit down." Jim calmly studied his cards, ignoring his outburst. He suspected that Spock was bluffing. Bones obviously was, but Spock was a much harder read.

"I'm not having Joanna studied the Vulcan way." The doctor said gruffly after a moment. Jim wondered privately what exactly he thought that Joanna learnt at the Vulcan school on Cerberus – and what he would do when he found out that she melded with one of her teachers on a regular basis.

"Well that's great, Bones."

"I don't see how."

Jim mentally sighed. He was going to have to say something. It was strange that the man who verbally disparaged his advice on a regular basis, sought his advice so often. "Look, I'm no scientist, but I know your daughter. If something in her brain could contribute to some sort of treatment for a neurodegenerative disorder, you know that she would do it. Besides, you're going to be there the whole time, aren't you?"

"Well yes…"

"Then what's the problem? The Enterprise is visiting Taurus anyway, you get to spend some quality time with Joanna, and if you happen to develop some wonderful new treatment, then all the better. And if you're worried, you get beamed back up to the Enterprise."

"Damn it Jim, you make it sound so easy. But what if she doesn't agree."

"It's all about how you sell it, Bones. Be convincing." He chuckled, trying to imagine that. It would be about as good as his flirting, he was sure. "On second thoughts, just say exactly what I did."

"I know how to speak to my daughter."

"Really? – because you started this conversation moaning that you didn't know how to speak to her."

"Shut the hell up." Obviously he was right. "Alright – cards up."

They revealed their cards. Bones' hand was dismal. Spock had three queens, an ace, and a seven. He tried not to smirk as he revealed his own hand. Three kings, a four of clubs and an eight of hearts.

"Damn it!"

"Language Bones."

"Well played captain. How did you foresee my fallacy?"

Jim chuckled. It had taken him years to work out Spock's tells. Thankfully his Human half became less supressed the longer he spent on the Enterprise, and Jim was capitalising on it on any way he could. "I'm hardly going to let you know your tells, Spock. Though I might consider telling Uhura…."

"I would prefer it if you did not."

"Oh? You mean that you don't want Uhura to know when you are lying to her?"

"I never lie to Lieutenant Uhura, captain."

"Never?" Jim knew that certainly wasn't true.

Spock almost looked embarrassed. "Not unless it is within her best interests."

"Which means whenever it suits you." Bones interpreted sarcastically. "You know, I still don't know what she sees in you – I permanently want to punch you for being patronising. I'd probably kill you if I had to sleep next to you."

"It is reassuring then, that you and I have no emotional relationship. Uhura has a great many qualities that you lack."

"She has a great many qualities that _you_ lack. Apparently honesty is one of them."

"I do _not_ lie to Lieutenant-."

"Oh – so she's Lieutenant again? Is that when you're lying or telling the truth?"

Jim laughed out loud at his friends who argued without ceasing, and yet had, on multiple occasions, shown they were willing to give up their lives for one another. They liked each other really - he didn't doubt it – they just enjoyed bickering more. "Alright gentlemen – we should call it a night. We have an away mission in ten hours. Bones, you need to have a conversation with your daughter; Spock, you need to tell the truth to Uhura; and I need to call that lovely Tauron dancer and let her know we're in town."

Bone rolled his eyes. "Hell Jim. Really, after last time? When the hell will you learn? Just keep her away from us."

"Now, now Bones. You shouldn't belittle a woman that can breathe fire. You know she-."

"Shut up - I don't want to know about that. Night."

"Night Bones. Spock."

"Good evening Captain."

Two hours later Jim sat going over details on Tauron tomography, military factions, and failed peace talks. The planet had until now had a tempestuous relationship with the Federation and had been in and out of talks for the last twenty years at least. He wasn't sure what exactly Starfleet expected him to do about it. Last time he'd got involved he'd buttered the Tauron officials up nicely, only to have some bigoted Federation official undo his hard work with a few ill-judged phrases. He liked the Taurons, and wasn't sure he had the heart to watch another screw up these days. Federation politicians annoyed him. They probably annoyed everyone – only Spock ignored them, and Bones swore under his breath and hid, so he was always left to deal with them – forced to listen to the petty complaints and insulting advice with a benign smile on his face. It was a good job he'd turned down that promotion. He had no desire to become the youngest Admiral in Starfleet and spend his life making nice with Federation officials that somehow seemed to think that they knew how to run the organisation better than they did, and gave him tips on strategy on wars that they sat through. All he'd ever wanted was this ship, and he was going to keep her until he was grey if he had his way.

His doorbell rang, breaking his thoughts with a sense of relief. He opened the door with a smile on his face, because he already knew who would be there.

"Hi Jim." Joanna looked up at him, messy hair pulled into an equally messy bun, and dressed in massive loose clothes he could only assume were Christine's and that she wore them to bed. She looked troubled, a frown between her eyes, and only a half-smile compared with her usual beam.

"Hi kid."

"Don't call me kid."

"Alright Sassy." He looked her over. Apparently Bones had had that conversation with her. It was a pity that he didn't do it hours ago. "Couldn't sleep?"

"Nope." She gave him her direct look. "Can I come in? Or are you… entertaining?" She looked pleased with herself for coming up with the correct phrase and he had to swallow a laugh.

"No, I'm not 'entertaining'. Though does your dad-."

"He's in the sick bay with some Ensign. So no. But Christine said it was fine."

Jim grinned. "Then come in."

Joanna sat herself down on his sofa, glancing through his PADDs he'd left out whilst he prepared them drinks – orange juice for her, and something stronger for him. "You're preparing for Taurus?" She looked curious and he shrugged.

"It helps to know what we're facing."

"You know, you always give the impression that you wing everything."

"That's just because I'm brilliant." He grinned when she raised a sceptical eyebrow. "I always know what I'm doing. It's better to be prepared for anything."

"I don't think that even you could be prepared for some of the things you encounter." She glanced through the text half-heartedly as she sipped her juice. "You know that the dates here are wrong for the last peace talks? And the war in 2368.24 was with the Thallasans, not the Tallsans. You should be careful of the sources you read, you know?"

He didn't need to ask why she knew those details in the first place. Joanna was, as Spock asserted, disconcertingly well-read, particularly in politics. "There was me thinking I could trust Starfleet reports."

"Starfleet don't know up from down half the time. They trust anything written by someone in a uniform. But misinformation is really serious, Jim. You'd look like you didn't care if you didn't even know the date that the Federation last made contact. You should start adding corrections – maybe Starfleet's quality controller would actually do their job." She had a strangely serious face on. He wondered if this was what she was like at school, all the humour sucked out of her.

"You're very critical tonight."

"I'm just being honest. People have a habit of trusting idiots because they're too lazy to think for themselves." She frowned at him. "Why are you smiling at me like that?"

"I'm just thinking about a few Federation politicians I'd love to introduce you to some time. I think they'd find your honesty refreshing."

She scowled at him, suddenly defensive. "I'm not a freak, Jim."

"I never said you were."

"You were thinking that."

"You're a telepath too? I'd better stop thinking about that pretty little-."

"Go to hell Jim."

He chuckled and took a seat next to her. He'd been waiting for her outburst. He wasn't sure whether it was growing up around Vulcans, or simply being her father's daughter, but Joanna never seemed to know how to express when she needed to talk. She seemed to have to instigate an argument instead. He supposed that outside of letters, she probably didn't have that many people to talk to. That made him feel surprisingly sad. "Alright. Why don't you tell me why you can't sleep?"

"It's nothing."

"Of course it's something." He waited patiently, picking up a PADD and flicking through its contents. "Whenever you're ready."

She scowled but eventually sighed and hugged her knees. "You know. You must know."

"About the scientist on Taurus?"

She nodded. "Doctor Mantora. He wants to study me for a few days. At Ebor Dau."

"And that's bad?"

She shook her head. "I don't know. Dad says it'll be alright, and he's been worrying about it, so I couldn't say no, but I wish…" She trailed off with such a wistful look that he finished for her.

"That no one needed to study you like an interesting bacteria." He smiled at her. "Or, more accurately, an interesting howler monkey."

She scowled without heart and he sympathised. The Enterprise had come across many beings that wanted to study Humans in various environments, and he'd never found the experiments particularly enjoyable. He knew it must be worse when there was a justifiable reason for such study.

"You know, it's not like you've been studied before. Hasn't Lotoc been studying your mind all these years?"

"Yes… But that's different. Lotoc teaches me things. He studies my mind to help me."

"Well, maybe this Professor will help you?"

"Maybe…" She looked uncomfortable and he patiently waited for her to be able to articulate her thoughts. He supposed she carried a lot more in her mind at any one time than the average person. "I just… I know my memory's nothing to be ashamed of. I _know_ it. But it's not the same thing as… well _knowing_ it. I hate being different."

"Well I like that you're different. Just think – if you hadn't remembered those dates I might have made a cultural faux-pas and offended the Taurons for the next century."

"I guess." She looked up at him with those big brown eyes, and he recognised the look and waited for the inevitable probing question. "Do you think that we would have become friends if I was normal?"

"Of course."

"Really?"

"Joanna, your memory belongs to you – but it's not _you_. We didn't become friends just because of your memory."

She smiled. "No – we became friends because you felt sorry for me and couldn't say no."

He returned her smile ruefully. She was too insightful these days. It was disconcerting. "I suppose so. But even if things had been different… I think we'd always have been friends. Even if it was just to annoy your dad. You're too interesting for me to ignore."

She looked surprised. "Even without my memory?"

"Of course. You're so much more than your memory, Sassy. You just have to remember that." She wiped her face, surprisingly looking like she was close to tears. He started talking hastily. "When we Humans have a talent, others want to study it so they can emulate it. That's all this Doctor Mantora wants to do – he wants to study your talent."

"I guess…"

"You'll just have to show him what you're capable of." He kept his voice serious. "On that note, Sassy, I heard that you put Officer Houston in the sickbay today."

The guilt on her face was comical. "It was an accident."

"Oh?"

"He was testing me, and Lieutenant Galloway told him not to go easy on me, so I assumed that he wouldn't because none of the others had. But I guess he's new. It was only a fractured wrist anyway – dad healed him in five minutes."

Jim laughed until his sides hurt, just because he could picture it. He was sure the six-foot security officer was unimpressed at being beaten in hand-to-hand by a teenaged girl barely over five-foot tall.

"What did Galloway say?" He managed to get out.

Joanna looked like she wasn't sure whether to smile or not. "Oh, he passed me. He said that if anyone was stupid enough to judge someone by how they looked then they deserved sickbay."

"Sensible man, Galloway. I'll enjoy reading his report."

Joanna scowled. "You didn't have to test me, Jim. You know I can fight okay in real life. You saw me at the Institute."

"I'm a captain. That means it's within my best interests to know the strengths and weaknesses of everyone aboard. Especially when I take them off-ship."

Joanna brightened. "Does that mean you'll take me on another away mission now? I've passed all of his tests. I'm just as good as his staff - Galloway says so. He wants me to join security when I go to do my Starfleet training. Though he's been saying that since I first started coming to the Enterprise so it probably doesn't mean much."

"What did you say?"

"That I'm going to be a nurse, obviously."

Jim smiled. Obviously. "There are many benefits to having a nurse that can defend her patients."

Joanna grinned. "Exactly." Her face fell slightly. "Galloway's interested in how Lotoc's been training me. I didn't tell him, but I think he's going to ask you to request the school to give him a report or something. You won't will you?"

Jim was confused. If she'd learnt so well that she could disarm one of Galloway's staff at fifteen, surely it was something that they could implement in the security training. "Why not?"

She looked at her hands, as if choosing her words carefully. "Dad wouldn't approve."

"I could ask for the report directly. I wouldn't have to go through him. No one has to know it's come from you."

"I know. But Jim… some of his methods… they're not nice. I know they get good results, and Lotoc only wants what's best for me – and I _asked_ him to help me – but…" She looked up at him, an imploring look in her eyes. "Please Jim. I don't want other people to be trained that way."

Now he was both alarmed and curious, but kept his voice even. "What exactly does Lotoc do to train you, Joanna? I thought it was done at school?"

"It is. That is, I don't think my school knows _exactly_ what Lotoc teaches me, but it helps control my mind I suppose, so they don't mind."

He repeated his question. "What does he do, Joanna?"

She looked uncomfortable. "Nothing really… bad. The usual training exercises. Sometimes they're a bit… extreme. But they never hurt me badly."

"Joanna…?" He felt suddenly protective of her – the same feeling he got when someone was shooting at the Enterprise. If Lotoc was hurting her… He didn't care if it was for some training or other. She was meant to be learning self-defence – not to be a ninja.

"It's fine. Honestly - I asked him, Jim. He's just teaching me the way the Vulcan's learn combat. Afterwards he melds with me to show me what I did wrong. And that's…" Her face changed for a moment, and he reached out and took her hand in automatic response. "Well I don't think you should put that in the training regime."

Jim recalled his own experience of mind-melding. The first time, with Spock Senior, or whatever he was calling himself these days, had threatened to split his head apart and he'd had a headache for days afterwards. And Joanna was right – her father certainly wouldn't approve. Humans weren't designed for regular melding. That's why Bones hated it – or one of the reasons, anyway. It caused damage to the Human brain, filled it with toxins that weren't designed to be there.

"Joanna, how often are you melding with the Vulcan?"

She shrugged. "A few times a week. But only during term time." She studied his face as if reading his mind. "Don't worry, Lotoc taught me to put barriers up in my mind. It doesn't hurt me. That is, it did a bit a first, but not anymore. I don't even get a nosebleed. But that process – learning shielding - isn't very nice either." She shrugged. "I don't really want to tell Galloway the details. And I promised Lotoc that I wouldn't tell other people what we do. I think he's writing a paper about it." She gave him another imploring look. "Please, _please_ don't ask."

He had some reservations – not about Galloway, but this secret in general, but she looked so desperate that he squeezed her hand. "Alright. But Joanna… you would tell me if you got into something serious, wouldn't you? I'm sure Lotoc means well… but if he hurt you, or something happens… You know I would always help you. With anything."

"I know."

"Promise?"

She frowned slightly but nodded. "Promise." She went back to studying his PADDs. "Are you meeting a Tauron girl again?" Her voice was bland.

"She's a _woman_, Joanna." He pointed out with amusement.

"The dancer?"

"How did you know about her?"

"Dad mentioned her in a letter a few years ago. She's the only Tauron female I can think of that you've met that you'd be interested in."

"Oh?"

"I looked up the profiles of the other diplomats. Do Tauron's really breathe fire?"

"Only the females."

"Oh. Isn't that… hot when you're… you know?" She blushed.

"Kissing?"

"Yeah."

"It's certainly _hot_." He grinned at her red spreading across her cheeks. He loved making her blush.

She scowled. "Shut up, Jim. You know what I mean."

He laughed. "Well, she's not usually breathing fire whilst we're kissing. So it's not usually a problem, no."

"Oh…" She gave him a curious look.

"Just ask, Joanna."

"Are you interested in her just because you want to… experiment?"

He tried very hard not to laugh again. "Experiment?"

She nodded. "Toral says that it's normal for some types of Humans to want to experiment in romantic relationships."

That sounded like a Vulcan. Some types indeed. "I see. And did Toral specify the type of Human more likely to do this?"

"She says those who struggle to identify a sense of self. As they are filled with uncertainty they're more willing to experiment as a way of finding out their boundaries and preferences."

Good grief. "Remind me, how many Humans does Toral actually know?"

Joanna smiled. "Five. But she's read lots on it."

"Apparently so."

"So?" That irresistible look was in her eyes again.

"I have literally no idea how to answer that question, Sassy. But I'm fairly sure my romantic life isn't the way it is because I want to improve my sense of self." Far from it.

Joanna looked thoughtful. "No. I guess you always seem very self-assured."

"Thanks."

"But I don't know why you do it. Have so many girlfriends that is."

"It's just how I am."

"How do you know?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, if you've never been in a proper relationship, how do you know that that's not how you are too? And maybe that's more who you are than this, which you currently think is who you are?"

He gave her a long look. "You know, it's far too late at night for me to make any sense of that question, Sassy." He did not want to answer it. This was not a good time for him to start second guessing his whole life. He'd made certain decisions to protect everyone – and those decisions gave him a ship and no baggage. He didn't regret them. Not often, anyway.

"Sorry." She did look sorry, reading his face with a probing expression. "I didn't mean to upset you."

"I'm not upset."

"Oh. That's good then." She paused, looking awkward, then stood up as if to distract herself, wandering around his living room, fingers trailing across objects he'd collected through years of travel. Her hair seemed to have grown even messier since entering his quarters. A physical manifestation of chaos theory if he'd ever seen one.

"So Lieutenant Galloway's agreed to teach me the Bat'leth." She broke his thoughts with a subject change that relieved him.

The Bat'leth? Why? "Haven't you had your fill of Klingons Sassy?" He certainly had.

She shrugged. "I like the Klingons." He could tell from the expression on her face she was hiding something, but didn't push the point. Joanna was always hiding something, he'd noticed. Knowing her she was probably planning on abducting a House Leader or something.

"Well, good. At least if you challenge another Klingon captain you might know what to do with it."

She smiled. "Yep." She turned her back to him to study a glowing green stone he'd discovered recently. "Jim?"

"Yes?"

"Will you come with me to Ebor Dau tomorrow?" When he paused she continued. "I know dad will be there. And Christine too. Only I… I don't know. I just feel... Doctor Mantora makes me worried." He saw her head drop when he still didn't answer. He had a lot to do tomorrow – and his ship didn't run itself. And yet… she was looking to him for reassurance. He knew her – he knew it wasn't a request she made often. She was brave, Joanna. She must be really scared.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked." She picked up the stone. "I know you're busy. I'm just being childish."

He stood up. "Don't be stupid, Sassy. Of course I'll come."

She turned to him, looking surprised, and he realised how difficult she'd found it to ask. Joanna didn't rely on many people. He supposed she didn't have many people to rely on. "You will?"

"Of course. Someone has to stop a bunch of scientists getting overexcited. And I did promise I'd help you if you asked."

To his surprise she embraced him tightly. "Thanks Jim."

He stroked a hand down her tangled hair. "Don't mention it, Sassy."

That was how he found himself, several hours later, making his way to the transporter room as the Enterprise entered orbit of Taurus.

Bones was pacing around the deck as agitated as he always was before transporting. Years of safe transportation had done nothing to reassure him. Apparently there was no reasoning with a phobia. Not that Bones would admit he had a phobia.

Christine Chapel was studying a PADD with concentration. Her neat blonde hair was pulled back, and she was dressed immaculately in a dress suit. Her beauty was undeniable, and her countenance matched. She was the first crush Jim had ever had – he must have been eight or nine at the time and she was a few years older. Their mothers had been friends on the USS Kelvin, and she'd watched him on Earth whilst his mother was travelling, which was often. Once he'd stolen his stepdad's car and driven three hours just to save her from an idiot boyfriend. Unfortunately she'd remained immune to his young charms, and his older charms too, something his CMO enjoyed reminding him immensely. He flirted with her occasionally as matter of course, and there was no one better to keep Bones in order, but she was just a bit too… virtuous… for his taste.

"How's he holding up?" He approached her with a smile that she returned.

"He's just anxious about Joanna. He's spent years keeping her from scientists."

"Should he be worried?"

She raised her blue eyes to his. "Doctor Mantora gave us a great deal of help during the Year War. I'm sure you remember."

He did vaguely. Bones had been ailing with an illness that required the renowned the neurologist. He'd been on the ship for a few days trying to heal him. However, he had been fighting a war at the time, and with so many battles he'd been somewhat distracted. He'd met Mantora at the Institute again – and he'd seemed what he had the first time – enthusiastic but somewhat self-centred, the way of all the good scientists. But prior experience always made him wary.

"That wasn't an answer, Christine."

She smiled slightly. "Leonard is always worried – particularly about Joanna. But no, I don't think he should be above his norm. We'll just be doing a few observational studies. It'll all be very boring."

Bones joined them with his typical scowl. "Damn right. What the hell are you doing here, Jim? And where the hell is Joanna?"

Christine patted his arm. "She's just getting her bag."

"And you?"

Jim shrugged. "Thought I'd come along for a couple of hours."

"What, you've not got enough to do?" His scowl increased.

"Apparently not. Besides, I'm intrigued. Who knows what's going on in the head of any child of yours?"

"Go to hell Jim."

"Been there. It was hot. You were there too, as I recall."

"Dad!" Joanna saved him from the blistering retort.

Christine had clearly dressed her for the occasion. Her tunic was green, falling to her knees, and her hair had been tamed into a neat braid and tied with a matching ribbon. She clutched her pink sequinned bag which clashed garishly, but otherwise she looked very proper – hardly the child who had been running into phaser fire a few days previously. She gave him a relieved smile, and he winked at her but said nothing.

"Joanna – we're going to be late if you don't get a move on." The doctor chided her, looking her over with a bemused look. "You look nice."

Joanna shrugged self-deprecatingly. "James said it looked like I was wearing a green sack."

"He's only five – I wouldn't trust his judgement." Christine reassured her. Jim privately disagreed, but kept his thoughts to himself.

"Right, let's get on with it then."

They mounted the transporter pad and Jim nodded to the Ensign. "Energise."

The room they beamed into looked like a military facility. They were met by several Taurons dressed in blue lab coats, their red leathery skin and horns making them look like graffiti on a medieval portrait of demons.

"Doctor McCoy – I am Rana." A female with long black hair and only a partial grip of their language introduced herself. "Please – follow."

Jim shrugged at McCoy, and they obediently stepped off the pad and into the facility.

They were stopped at a wide entrance. "Your weapons. Please." The woman translated for two soldiers who were looking at them with obvious hostility. Well, Jim knew that many Taurons were wary of the Federation – and most of them hadn't seen Humans before. Removing weapons was routine in almost every place he'd been to. He gave up his phaser with a congenial smile and couldn't help but feel vulnerable when he eyed the soldier's disruptors. He noticed that Joanna was staring at the soldiers openly, a small frown creasing her face as her parents gave up their weapons. Knowing her, she was probably memorising their faces for later. Maybe she'd add drawings of Taurons to her already varied sketchbook.

The woman indicated that they should follow again, and they accompanied the scientists down another dark corridor and into a large room. And then things really went wrong.

The room was filled with soldiers. He paused, Joanna flickering him a look of concern when the soldier behind him gave him a firm shove forward. He turned, riled, but Joanna placed a hand on his arm, face panicked.

"What the hell is going on?" Bones spoke what they were all clearly thinking. There was silence, and Jim watched and waited. There might have been a benign cause – science and the military went together much more closely than either party liked to admit on Earth. But Joanna had gone rigid – and on recalling their conversation last night, he wondered if there was more to her nerves than she had told him. Something which explained why there was a room full of soldiers aiming weapons at them. Unfortunately Bones didn't have his patience, and stepped forwards. "Someone better-."

"Forgive me." Another Tauron stepped forwards – one he recognised as Dr Mantora.

"Will you tell me what the hell is going on?" Bones scowled. "You swore to me that this would only involve us – not the whole damned Tauron army."

Doctor Mantora did not react – he merely studied his colleague with a clinical interest. "Intriguing."

"What is? What the hell is this about, Mantora? We're here for an experiment, not to run military exercises."

Mantora frowned but made no move to dismiss the soldiers. "Several years ago you had a problem with your memory, did you not? I wonder, perhaps, whether my work to help you regain it was incomplete?"

"Incomplete? What the hell are you talking about? Of course it's complete." Bones looked panicked – as well he might. The Year War had been bad for him. For all of them really, but particularly for him. Torture had nearly destroyed his mind, taking with it a great deal of his memory. Mantora, one the quadrants experts in exoneurology, had helped him through it. But if, as Mantora suggested, the memory he had regained was incomplete…? What exactly did he think he had forgotten?

"Indeed. In that case, I can only assume that you wilfully misled me. You – with all your self-proclaimed ideals. You – who halted our own genetic enhancement project, preaching to me about the costs on Earth."

"Of course there were costs on Earth. The Eugenics War almost destroyed the Human race. Our peoples aren't so different that Taurus would fare better. I warned you to leave it alone. Is that what this is about? You lured me and my family here because you want me to help you test again? Because I damn well won't do it."

He watched Christine move closer to her husband. She might look meek and mild, but the woman was as useful in a fight as he was, and she would protect the doctor with her dying breath. But he would rather it didn't get to that point. He stepped in.

"Perhaps we should discuss this without guns, gentlemen? I'd be intrigued, Doctor Mantora, to find out what you believe my doctor may have forgotten, but this is not the ideal situation for an academic discussion."

"No." Mantora addressed him calmly. He was quickly dispelling any rumours that he might have believed that Taurons had a quick temper. "It is not – but there is little academic to our discussion. You see, I feel betrayed. I have respected the doctor for years, followed his research, listened to his counsel. To find that he, of all people, experimented on his own daughter and-."

"I. Did. What?" Bones became livid. He hadn't seen him this angry in a good long time – so furious he was lost for words. "You… You think that I…?"

"Of course. As would any other neurologist that took the time to talk to her. Your daughter, Doctor McCoy, indeed has an eidetic memory – I questioned her myself. My life's work has been the study of such memory – and you know as well as I that these rare children are born with such abilities. They do not just suddenly develop them years after birth, and children rarely cope with them as your daughter has. How long did you think that you could hide her, doctor? You modified your own daughter to study her."

"Like hell I did. I didn't even know she was eidetic until-."

"Perhaps an unforeseen complication of your testing. But no matter. I will find out what you have done to her. Do not misunderstand my motives. Think, doctor, of what we could do, what we could cure, with this ability."

"You stay away from Joanna."

Jim glanced at Joanna. He'd almost forgotten she was there, small and still as she was. Her face was chalk white, and her hands trembled. He put a hand on her shoulder, knowing that she coped as poorly with strong emotion as her father. This was not exactly going to plan.

"But you have brought her here, have you not, for us to study her? I had thought that perhaps you would require further convincing, given your involvement. My people were willing to take your ship, should it have been necessary, but I am grateful that it did not. I believe you wanted me to find out, Leonard. So we shall study her – in the way that our science demands."

"Like hell I'll help you with-."

"And if you are not willing to share your secrets then I will remove her brain and I will find them."

It all went very wrong. The doctor launched himself at Mantora, and the soldiers fired. Jim pushed Joanna to the ground hard as he felt the soldiers behind him move towards Bones, then turned and grounded them few well-placed blows, grabbing a weapon as quickly as he could. Joanna screamed, and when he looked Bones was clutching a profusely bleeding arm and was being dragged from the floor. Christine was being held down and more soldiers were pouring into the room.

"Jim." He met the doctor's eyes for a split-second and knew what he wanted – what he was asking. He grabbed Joanna, who was already moving towards her father, and without hesitation dragged her from the room.

He ran almost blindly, his need to protect her overriding every other sense, keeping tight grip on Joanna's arm. He could hear her protesting vaguely, pulling at his hand, but ignored her. The building was a warren. Military instillations were often built so that enemies would struggle to find their way around, and it was certainly working. Some sort of alarm was blaring somewhere, and he had to turn them around several times to avoid troops of soldiers running towards them. He didn't stop, Bones' plea running hot through his mind. He had to get Joanna somewhere safe. Any military facility would block his communicator. He needed to get them out – somewhere far enough away where he could get her beamed up. Then he could go back for her dad. There had to be an exit somewhere – or a window or a chimney or something…

He glanced at the wall they ran next to. Then started because the answer was right in front of him. A metal grate. That brought back memories. He moved immediately, pulled off the front of the grate with some force, and pushed Joanna in front of him into the vent. He squeezed in with little room to spare, forcing the large disruptor ahead of him. People with large horns would definitely not be following them this way. Joanna remained motionless in front of him.

"Move Joanna."

"But-."

"_Now."_ He ordered her. He couldn't see her face, but could feel her scowl – at least he hoped it was a scowl and wasn't tears. Damn it, he'd deal with that later. He gave her a push and she began to crawl. He followed her direction – since she would undoubtedly have a better idea of a way out then he did.

They moved for several minutes. It wasn't until he heard her coughing repeatedly that he realised what the Taurons were doing. "Damn." A cough wracked his own chest and he knew what these vents were used for. Damn, damn, damn. They must use them to gas certain areas during a siege. He wasn't sure what they were using exactly, but his lungs were burning in a way that he knew wouldn't be good in a minutes time.

Joanna was leaning on her arms, gasping now, immobile. He felt himself sweat in the confined environment. There was a vent just behind him – but he didn't doubt that there would be a small army on the other side. Oxygen. They needed oxygen. Oxygen… Damn, he had no choice. He pushed Joanna's head further down to the metal ground, then raised his disruptor with shaking hands and shot a hole in the metal above them. The vent screamed, sparks reigned down, but the air became a bit more breathable. The floor shuddered. They'd given away their exact position and the soldiers had started to fire through the vent. They didn't have long. He pulled Joanna up to take a large breath with streaming eyes, then took one himself.

"Take another deep breath then hold it." He gasped. "We need to move quickly. Alright?" She nodded with a pale face and breathed again. He took a quick one himself then moved. He counted each second as his lungs began to burn. They needed an exit. Come on… Joanna to his surprise stood up, and he realised that there must be a vent going up a floor. He grabbed her legs to push her up, felt her catch the ledge, then braced himself on the walls and walked himself up to join her. Joanna was already kicking out the hatch, gasping. He gave it one last push and they tumbled out.

"Alright?" He pulled up her and pushed hair from her sweating face. She nodded unconvincingly but didn't complain. The sound of footsteps cut any conversation short. But his luck held. It always did. Because this floor had windows. They were a few stories up from the look of it. He felt around the window but there was no way of opening it. He swore under his breath. Shooting it was going to give away their position again. But nothing for it.

"Jim! Jim – damn it will you listen to me?" Joanna punched him hard on the arm, getting his attention. He hadn't noticed she'd been talking.

"Joanna-."

"Look." She scowled at him, then removed something from her bag and drew a large circle on the glass. The centre of the glass disappeared.

"Where did you get that from?" He asked her with wonder. He could definitely use one of those. She opened her mouth but the sound of voices made him stop her. "Later. Please tell me there's some rope in that bag."

She nodded and handed him a decent reel from the Enterprise's away kits. When had she got that? He realised he didn't really care.

"Alright then." He secured the rope to one of the columns in the corridor, then threw it out of the window. It stopped a few feet from the ground – but it was better than falling all the way. The feet were close now. He had no way of carrying the disruptor so he left it. He'd have to find another weapon somewhere else.

"Follow me down. I'll catch you." She nodded briskly and he abseiled down, then dropped. His shoulder took most of the impact, but he rolled off it quickly and other than a nasty bruise, he didn't do too badly. He glanced up to see Joanna above him and was about to signal to her when a blow to the back of his head almost knocked him out. He fell to his knees, vision darkening, but heard Joanna call his name and pulled himself back up to face a disruptor aimed at his chest. He wasn't fond of disruptors. They weren't like phasers, with their useful stun setting. No - disruptors were designed for damage – at long range they left a nice hole in their victim. At short range they left a pile of dust. And he couldn't help Joanna if he were a pile of dust.

"Alright – let's just talk about this." He started in his best captain's voice.

The Tauron said nothing – probably didn't speak his language – but signalled him to his knees. Well aware that Joanna was above him and needed time to get somewhere safe he slowly bent down, willing her to climb back up the rope, or to find another window or ledge.

He heard a thump. The disruptor went off in the grass next to him, making him flinch, and he looked around to see Joanna on the soldiers back, hands pressing around the soft flesh at the front of his neck and squeezing for all she was worth. The soldier was doing everything he could to remove her, and slammed her against the building. He watched her shudder with pain but held on. He pulled himself to his feet and ran at the Tauron.

Face-to-face fighting when your opponent has horns and skin is a thick as leather is not straight forward. But every being had their weaknesses – Joanna knew about the throat, and he knew about the soft area underneath their stomach. So he kicked him with all his might, watched the solider fall to his knees, then kicked him in the throat. He fell forwards onto his face, Joanna still attached.

He released her hands and tugged her to sitting, brushing the dirt from her face, studying the bleeding on her head. Damn, the Tauron must have hit her hard. He felt another urge to kick the fallen man and restrained himself.

"Are you alright?" She asked him, studying him just as frankly.

"Sure." He reassured her. "I'm more worried about you."

She shrugged a little, winced, but drew herself to her feet. "I'm fine."

He'd look after her later. Priorities Jim. He scanned the horizon. "Let's get out of sight." He took her hand, and they sprinted towards a clump of trees. They needed some time.

They were both gasping when they reached the edge of the jungle and they slowed to a walk. At least they'd have some camouflage here.

He pulled out his communicator, praying that it would work this close to the facility. "Kirk to the Enterprise."

Static met his ears and he was about to close it, but then: "Enterprise here." He recognised Uhura's voice, could hear shouts in the background, and felt a wave of premonition rising like the edge of a storm. "Commander Spock, I have the captain on the comm."

"Spock? What's going on?"

"We are currently under attack from the Tauron fleet, Captain. They are refusing to answer my hails." His voice was cracking with the interference, and it took him a moment to piece the fragments together. Damn it. He knew exactly what they were doing. Apparently Mantora hadn't made an idle threat.

"Listen to me Spock. They're going to try to take the Enterprise. Can you beam Joanna up?" He didn't look at her because he knew what her expression would be. But he needed her safe.

"Our transporters are currently offline Captain."

"Then get the hell away from here and protect the ship." He thought of his crew – of all the lives that might be lost if the Taurons kept firing. The Enterprise outclassed them alright – but they would be significantly outnumbered.

"Captain-."

"They've already captured McCoy and Chapel. They want Joanna for some reason. Don't give them the Enterprise to barter with. Get the hell away from here. That's an order."

"Yes captain." He'd have to work something out. Some way of getting Bones and Christine out and Joanna safe. Spock would come and rescue them – of that he had no doubt, but he needed the Enterprise out of the equation, and that took time.

"Keep my ship safe Spock. And rescue us when you can. Kirk out."

He shut his communicator, and looked down at Joanna. She had her arms wrapped around herself but seemed calm despite the fact he'd just sent any chance of a timely rescue away.

"We need to get my dad and Christine." She said in a quiet voice.

"I know Sassy." He realised he was sweating. It was hot out here. Joanna looked untouched, but he supposed that she was used to this climate. "But I'm not going back in there without a plan."

"We can't wait, Jim. They could be torturing him or…"

"I know." Hell he did know. He did. And if Joanna hadn't been there he'd be tempted to go back in there with some half-cocked scheme and work it out as he went. But Joanna was there. And he'd promised a long time ago to protect her. "But I need to get you somewhere safe first. That's what your dad would want. I'm not just handing you over."

She took a few steps away, a dark expression on her face, distancing herself. "We could."

"No." He took her arm, foreseeing her intentions with a sickening feeling.

She scowled at him. "Yes. Why not? They want me. You could get dad and Christine in return. Once you have them I'll break out."

"Joanna, I don't think breaking out would be so easy." Not if she was tied to some table while they cut her open… He felt a wave of panic.

"I'd work it out." She persisted, forcing her arm from his grip.

He took her by the shoulders, forcing his voice to calm. "Joanna. He wants to test on you. Do you have any idea what that means?"

"That he might cut out my brain." Her eyes remained calm. "I don't care."

He gave her a small shake. "Well I do."

"It's my decision."

"No. It's not." Bones would kill him if he let her do that.

"You can't stop me."

"Watch me."

"No." And without further hesitation she punched him hard in the stomach, bending him double, kneed him in the groin, and ran.

Damn. He saw stars for a second, then pulled himself together and sprinted through the trees after her. For a brief second he wished that his best-friend's daughter was a lot less brave and hadn't been taught to fight by Vulcans. And that he still had his phaser because he'd quite happily stun her and carry her right now. Then he caught up with her and tackled her to the ground.

She struggled and fought like a cornered animal, eventually flipping him over and forcing him to release her. He felt her desperation, and he understood but he'd be damned if he let her get herself captured. He was much taller and heavier and he could feel an element of hesitance that meant she didn't really want to hurt him. He didn't want to hurt her either, and that weakened his fight. He managed to pin her again, holding her arms and legs with his own, pressing her face against the ground with his chest so she couldn't head-butt him. She struggled hard, and his shoulder and head screamed. And then he heard the least desirable thing given the circumstances. The sound of voices and footsteps. They were out here looking for her.

"Joanna. Stop it." He whispered to her firmly. "Stop it." Still she fought. In other circumstances he might have admired that. But they were close now, and they would take her and kill him. He couldn't let that happen. So he begged. "Please Joanna. Please."

Joanna went limp. He placed his head down next to her, going still in the dirt, and prayed that they wouldn't see them amongst the foliage.

They came close. He could hear them a few trees away. But hiding in plain sight had its advantages and no one was looking at the ground. They passed after a few minutes and he relaxed but didn't release Joanna. She remained still and toneless and he was suddenly scared that he'd suffocated her.

"Joanna?" He moved off her, to the side, pulling her face out of the ground. "Joanna? Are you alright?" He brushed the dirt from her face, saw the bruise on her head, and felt the wetness on her cheeks. Her eyes were dark and pained.

"I'm sorry." She whispered.

He felt his chest tighten, and he wrapped his arms around her again, softer this time. She understood the consequences now – what they would have done to him if they caught them. And though she never cared about herself, he knew that she cared about him. Something in him hurt when he considered that.

"It's alright, Sassy." He ran a hand in her tangled hair. "It's alright." He felt her convulse and hoped she wasn't crying. He felt powerless.

"I can't bear it." Her voice was quiet. "What if they're torturing dad? He can't cope with it – not again."

Bones had been captured as a prisoner of war during the Year War. They'd thought he was dead. Hell – he would never have left him there, would have searched, war or no war, if he'd believed he could have been alive. But he'd left him there – for months. Torture had broken him until he questioned even his medical ability and lost large fragments of memory. It had been a hard path for all of them to get him back. And Joanna had been young and far away and scared for him – hearing only parts of stories through letters and the media, and the shock of her father when she was eventually reunited with him.

"They'll want to get you back, Joanna. They won't touch your father until they have you – there's no point." He hoped that was true. "Besides – Christine is with him. She'll look after him."

Joanna nodded slowly and pulled back from him, touching his cheek. "You're bleeding. I must have scratched you."

"A scratched face is the least of my injuries." He smiled at her, making his cheek sting. "Do me a favour and don't attack me again."

"I'm sorry." He large eyes were penitent.

"I know." He stood up and pulled her to her feet. "They're going to find us if we don't get moving. We need to find somewhere safer" He tried to recall the maps he'd seen last night. He wasn't aware that it was a military installation they'd beamed into – Ebor Dau had been identified as a lab on the maps they'd gleaned of Taurus. But as Joanna had pointed out – intelligence wasn't always reliable.

Joanna was searching her bag again, and pulled out a PADD and stylus. "Here." She started sketching. "We must be here." She drew a neat map, with the outline of the buildings. "North. There's jungle for several hundred kilometres this way – and east and west too. South and you hit Poklipa – the capital. But that would be a few days walk." She added the details to her map. "There's a river southeast that eventually goes through the city. I think there's homes along the river. And a training facility just north of it here for the military..."

He stared at her concentrating expression in bemusement and she eventually paused and blushed. He smiled slowly. "You saw all that last night? I thought you weren't looking at my PADDs properly."

She shrugged. "I wasn't. I had to go back and see it."

He could see why Mantora was so keen on getting his hands on her. He just couldn't imagine having a mind like hers – couldn't imagine living in the past and present simultaneously as she could do. "Well I should leave things out more often." He reached out and brushed her cheek affectionately.

Her blush deepened and he felt her shake and draw away. Clearly she was still effected by earlier. "I guess so. What do we do now, Jim?"

He considered, weighing the risks. South meant more people and an increased risk of capture. That was serious for Joanna – but it increased his chances of finding a way back into the facility to rescue Bones. North meant an unknown jungle with who knew what lurking within. And they still ran the risk of capture. It wasn't an easy choice but his need to protect Joanna won. "We go north. Find somewhere to lay low and patch ourselves up, then work out a way back in to your dad. Alright?"

She nodded reluctantly. "Alright."

The sun was lowering in the sky. A day was fourteen hours here. Seven hours of night. Given the position of the sun in the sky, he'd guess they had two hours before night fell. The dark wouldn't make this easy for them. There'd be predators in the jungle – ones that he wasn't keen on meeting. They needed to find someone – and quickly. He moved them off at a brisk pace.

The trees got massive as they moved deeper into the jungle, roots breaking the earth into craggy hills and caves. A strange howling echoed and he tried not to think much about it. He hated being weaponless. It made him ansty. His body – particularly his head – hurt, and he needed to do something about them fairly soon. Certainly before nightfall. Jim was well aware of his own physical limitations – though he refused to admit such to Bones. Right now he'd struggle in a fight. Joanna had effectively beaten his already battered body. And the Taurons would be tracking them undoubtedly. And a few animals probably.

After a long hours walk, with the sun dipping below the treeline, he noticed that a nearby tree's roots had created a cave of sorts where the ground had fallen away into a ditch below, and he scouted it quickly. It had probably been an animal's den at some point – given the bones on the ground – but there were no new droppings or fresh bedding. It was abandoned as far as he could tell. It would do for now.

"Let's try this." He moved in, creating enough space for them both.

Joanna sat down next to him, moving through her bag again and pulling out a medikit. "How bad is your head?" She asked softly, as perceptive as usual.

He shrugged, and attempted not to wince when his head spun. "It's fine."

"It doesn't look fine." She reached out and touched a lump to the back that made him wince again.

"Same could be said of yours." He eyed the red sticky patch on her skull.

"Do you have a headache?" Her face was a serious set.

"Yep." Her face grew alarmed.

"Any double vision? Or dizziness?"

"No. Don't worry Joanna. It's not serious. Your dad would say it might have knocked some sense into me." At least he hoped it wasn't serious. He had no time to sleep off a head injury.

"I guess." She shone a light in his eyes but seemed satisfied with his pupils and dropped her hand. Definitely her father's daughter.

He examined himself for further injuries but everything seemed to have stopped bleeding for now, and other than hurting like hell and having a set of bruises he'd be okay. He glanced across Joanna, looking for any serious injuries to her. Her dress was grass-stained, and her hair had escaped its binding, dancing around her face, but matted with blood at the back. Other than grazes and bruises she looked otherwise alright, though he probably needed someone to have a look at the lump on her head. She pulled her knees to her chest, wrapping her arms around herself, eyes distracted, and he helped himself to her bag and examined the rest of her contents. It was a fairly impressive assortment, but since he had a much better idea of what she got up to in her spare time than her father, unsurprising. Well at least she gave him a few more options. It was better than just a communicator that he had on him.

"So do you want to tell me?" He asked conversationally as he weighed up how much water she had in her bottle, and how long it would last them.

"Tell you what?"

"Why you were so nervous of Mantora." Why she'd wanted him to come. That had been insightful, given that even Bones, the most suspicious man he'd ever met, had thought it safe.

She shook her head. "I don't know." He gave her a sceptical look and she shook her head, protesting. "He just made me uneasy with his questions. And I was scared…" She looked at the ground, unable to finish, but he knew.

"Of what he might find?"

She nodded, taking a deep breath. "You know, I've read plenty about people with eidetic memories. I wanted to know that I wasn't alone, you know? I wanted to see that they could be normal too. But the people I read about… well they're not the same as me."

"Why?"

"They had the ability from birth. And some developed ways to cope with it – but different from me. They can't compartmentalise things the way I can. Others… well they're… mad I guess. Lots of them kill themselves – in all species. You can't imagine Jim… You can't imagine how hard and scary it is if you're experiencing everything at once. It's hard to work out what's now and what's in the past. You know in the old days Betazoid children who started showing signs of being eidetic were killed to spare them from the lives they'd have to live?" She went silent and Jim knew what she was thinking.

"It doesn't matter how you became how you are, Joanna. It doesn't change anything."

"Of course it does." There was finality in her words and he felt another stroke of worry.

"You know your dad wouldn't experiment on you, right?" Because that was one thing he was sure of. He knew Leonard McCoy.

"I know." She nodded slowly. "He'd already left mom before I changed." She swallowed. "But I don't know why I am like I am. Why I'm different…"

"You can't believe Mantora." Because maybe she wasn't different. In something so rare, you could never be sure – how could you be? Maybe her ability had lain latent for a few years?

"He's really an expert, Jim. Dad told me. Even if he's crazy for thinking my dad would ever do anything to me - no one's seen more eidetic people than him. I believe him..."

Jim shook his head. "I'm not so sure. Think about what he's accusing someone of. Even if you were only young – surely you'd remember someone experimenting on you." Although if they had the ability to augment her memory, who was to say that they didn't have the ability to take it away as well?

Joanna frowned at the ground. "I remember…" She shook her head, then put a hand to her temple as if the movement was too painful. "My memory from before is all patchy. Like trying to make out faint stars in the sky." He wondered if what she was experiencing was normal memory. To someone used to recalling everything in detail, it must seem so vague, like remembering dreams. "I fell off a roof once when I was five. But I don't even remember it. I remember being up there, then nothing but waking up in hospital and mom saying I almost died." She swallowed. "I don't know if I can trust my memory from before. How much can you accurately remember from when you were five?"

She had a point. He could only remember certain fragments of his own childhood. "Why were you up on the roof?" He asked after a pause. Because he had no idea what he could say.

She shrugged, giving him an embarrassed look. "Dad had just left and joined Starfleet. I wanted to feel close to him… When he wrote he told me that he was piloting shuttles in training and I'd go to the roof and imagine that he'd be flying over and see me there waiting for him…" Jim remembered the sad lonely eyes of the little girl he'd met all those years ago. "Stupid, I know."

"It's not stupid." He remembered being that lonely. And what he'd done to try and get his mom's attention. A child's mind was seldom logical. "You missed him." He remembered sitting on the roof at her grandmother's house and looking at the stars with her. "And you still look up at those stars and wonder where he is, don't you?"

"I wonder where _you_ are." She reddened slightly. "Where all of you are. On the Enterprise that is." She looked at him. "There's a hill near my mom's house – in the middle of a park. And at night it's so dark there that when you lie at the top of the hill it feels like you're floating and all you can see is the moon and the stars. I used to sneak out of the house at night time and lie on the hill and plot the systems and the galaxies and work out where you'd be flying and I'd feel so close… like I could reach out and find you."

He took her hand instinctively. It was cold in his. They say in silence for a while, his emotions strangely turbulent. "It's going to be okay, Joanna." He'd make sure it was. Somehow. If it meant he had to hide her somewhere until he worked out what the hell had been done to her. If anything had indeed been done. Bones would know.

"Do you have a plan?" She asked him softly.

"Not yet." Keeping her safe was high on his list. "Joanna, if we go back for your dad and Christine I'll need to go in alone." He felt her go rigid. "You have to understand – one person is a lot safer than two people – and they're looking for two people. And you particularly." It was going to be a hell of a job trying to sneak in there too if he was worried about Joanna. He touched her face, making her look up at him. "I need you safe Sassy."

"What happens if they capture you too?" Her eyes were fierce and defiant.

He made his voice light. "Then you'll still be safe and I'll be in a cell for a while and we'll wait until Spock turns up." They could just wait on Spock regardless. But Jim feared what they'd be doing to the doctor around now – and Christine for that matter. They were his friends and he needed to get them out.

He could tell Joanna knew he was being blasé about the situation. For a second he thought he saw tears in her eyes. Then she looked away, busying herself with her backpack. "Alright."

He tried to read her face but it was suddenly closed to him. "I'll leave you my communicator. Try the Enterprise again in an hour. Stay hidden." He was relying on the idea that most of the soldiers would be out looking for her, leaving the complex less adequately guarded. He hoped so, because right now he hurt like hell and didn't need a series of fights on his hands. He caught a flash in her eyes and gave her shoulders a shake. "Promise me, Joanna, that you'll stay hidden and not come after me or get yourself captured deliberately." She swallowed and he knew he'd been right. Damn, the girl was a nightmare to protect. "Promise me." He added every manipulation he could think of. "I'm not going to be able to concentrate if I think you're in danger. And I'd rather not get killed because I don't have my mind on the job."

She scowled at him but nodded curtly. "Fine. I promise."

"Good." He couldn't hide his relief.

He secreted his supplies into various pockets, and slung the rope over his shoulder. "I'll be back before you know it." He gave his most confident smile. She didn't return it. Glad to see he had her confidence. Then he moved off into the rapidly descending darkness.

It took a while to make it back to the compound of Ebou Dar – it had been much harder navigating in the darkness when he couldn't see the stars regularly – but he had managed. The buildings remained lit, the perimeter fence intact. Jim entered the same way they'd exited because no one would believe that anyone would be so foolish as to go back in to danger the same way they came out of it. There were a few guards marching circuits, and plenty of security cameras, but he kept to the shadows and out of sight.

Once he was in, things were uneasily simple. He hacked the computers to find McCoy's location, made his way there fairly easily, took out the guards in the holding room with only minor damage to his shoulder and head, and shot the release on McCoy's cell.

"Jim? Where the hell have you been?" The Doctor asked groggily from his lying position on the floor. The room was cool and unlit except from the light behind him, but even Jim could make out the bruising to his face and body, and the blood stained bandages around his arm. Christine gave Jim a smile that didn't mask the concern for her husband. She herself sported a black eye and broken lip. Clearly they'd got started on the torture early – though the wounds were merely a warm-up. Jim was relieved he'd come now.

"Taking the scenic route. You look awful."

"Shut the hell up. Where's Joanna?"

"Safe." Bones shut his eyes in relief as Christine pulled herself to her feet.

"We don't have much time. There are cameras on every cell. They know you're here." She said matter-of-factly. "I assume the Enterprise is otherwise engaged?"

Jim nodded at her quick jump of logic. "Hopefully they'll be with us soon but we're not getting beamed anywhere."

"Thank heaven for tender mercies." The doctor bit, as he rather unsteadily pulled himself to his feet and supported himself with one hand on the wall, and one around his wife's waist.

"How quick can you walk, Bones?" Jim felt a prickle of nervousness. The doctor's injuries looked worse from here.

"Quick enough. I'm not going to be sticking around for round two at the rodeo. Let's go."

Jim exchanged a concerned glance with Christine – but there was nothing to be done. He'd taken the disruptors from the pair of guards and kept one close, passing the other to Christine. Bones was the better shot, but right now his priority would be keeping his feet.

The way out was much slower and Jim tensed, knowing that the Taurons would be coming and wouldn't let the doctor go easily. There were the occasional shouts but other than a few diversionary tactics (involving hairpins, a button and a fire extinguisher – sometimes he impressed himself) the running was smooth. Too smooth almost – but right then he was willing to count his blessings because McCoy's breathing was coming in quick sharp pants, and Christine didn't look much better. He slowed slightly when they hit the treeline to make sure they didn't tire too early – Joanna was a good hour walk away.

They had to stop once to allow Chapel to retie Bone's leaking bandages but made progress. He kept alert but heard none of the usual signs of being followed. He kept Joanna's flashlight close to the ground and attempted to retrace his steps as best he could – wishing he had his scanner. It probably took an hour longer than it had previously to find the spot. In fact, he hadn't been sure he had found the right place initially. He'd recognised the hollow tree he'd hidden her in, but there was no response when he'd whispered Joanna's name. He'd assumed she'd fallen asleep.

"Are we lost?" Bones muttered. Jim had ignored his friend and crawled into the hollow – to find it empty.

He crawled out again, forcing his mind to calm, and examined the tree. Definitely the right one. He took the torch from Christine and crawled back in, heart hammering. Hell, if she'd followed…

He almost missed his communicator. It was hidden under leaves and stuffed under a root at the back. He only noticed it because the red light was flashing, suggesting a missed hail. He grabbed it – then noticed something far worse. Something that made him outright panic. There was blood on the device. From earlier? But no – she'd stopped bleeding by then. He swung his torch around. It was on the upper branches of the entrance too, and the leaves were disturbed on the ground like someone had been dragged…

"Oh hell."

"What is it? Jim, where the hell is-."

"I think they've caught her." He forced out the words. Bones grabbed the torch from him and swung it into the hole, picking up the blood that he'd initially missed with his practiced eye.

"Damn it, Jim." There was full terror on his face. "Damn-." His was cut off with a spasm of pain that wracked his body.

"It's still fresh." Christine pointed out as she took a look. "She can't have been taken long ago."

And then it all made sense – why they had managed to escape so easily. "They knew I'd come back for you. They must have followed us – they'd have known I'd take a direct route in unfamiliar territory and found her ahead of us. I'm-."

A loud scream interrupted him hastily formulating a plan. He'd know the voice anywhere. Bones was already away into the trees before he'd taken a breath. He threw the communicator to Chapel and plunged in after him without hesitation, following the dot of light from his torch up ahead. He heard a grunt and a shout and the torch fell to the ground as a dark shape tackled the doctor from the trees. He loaded his disruptor – but it was impossible to tell which body had the horns in the darkness.

He sprinted towards him, making features out better as he drew closer, and pulled the Tauron off the doctor and punching him hard below the stomach. He heard a breath behind him and spun and shot another being automatically as the other got to his feet.

"Go Jim." Bones' voice gasped in pain. "Go."

For a moment he was torn between protecting his friend and protecting Joanna. But another scream decided him and he ran back through the trees.

He came out from the jungle onto a road. A large military vehicle was waiting, with two armed guards around it. He heard another scream close by, and Joanna appeared, dragged by two soldiers. She fought like a wildcat, and they were both bleeding. One backhanded her as she continued to struggle and her head flew backwards at the blow. Something in him went tight and cold. He shot the two by the truck without hesitation, not waiting to see them drop, going straight to Joanna.

The Taurons saw him coming. Joanna screamed his name as they shot at him. He ducked and rolled, coming up close and taking one down with him. It was a hell of a fight – the Tauron weight 100 pounds more than him and knew how to fight, let alone having horns and body armour. Every wound on his body screamed as he aimed for every soft area he could get into and stopped him going for his disruptor.

"Jim!" Joanna's scream sounded far away. He heard the sound of an engine start and knew it would be end game if that truck got away with her. He got a leg out from below the Tauron on him, and tilted his hips, turning them over. He aimed a single punch at his throat, then went for Joanna.

She was trapped in a cage in the back. "Stand back." He shouted to her, then aimed his disruptor and blew off the door.

There was another shot. It hadn't come from him. He heard himself exhale. His vision seemed to blur, his hearing becoming dull. He could vaguely hear Joanna screaming his name over and over again from far away. Then he felt the searing pain across his abdomen. He dropped to his knees.

Joanna. He had to get to Joanna. Had to make sure she was safe. He tried to move, to pull himself back onto his feet, but his limbs didn't obey, agony shooting through him. Her face appeared over him like a vision and he realised he must be on the ground.

"No Jim. No." There was frank panic on her face. She pressed on his abdomen and he almost passed out, no breath for a scream. "No." There was dark fluid on her hands. Blood. It must be his blood. He saw the tip of a horn behind her and he hazily knew was bad. He tried to reach for his disruptor but couldn't make his hand clasp around it. But Joanna was taking it from him. He watched her turn, as if in slow motion, and shoot the Tauron at close range, blasting him to pieces. She took another shot, further away this time, then was back at his side.

There were tears on her bruised face. He wanted to wipe them away but couldn't lift his arm. "Don't you dare die." She ordered him fiercely. "I won't let you." She wrapped her arms around him as if anchoring him, face close to his. He knew he was dead, and all he wanted to do was comfort her, to wrap his arms around her and tell her it would be alright. But his limbs had no power. His vision was darkening. "Jim?" There was panic in her fading voice. "Jim, stay with me." He tried to fight the black tide but the current was too strong. "Don't die, damn you. Jim!"

Then there was darkness.

He came awake slowly. There was a quiet beeping at his side and it almost lulled him back to sleep. He moved slightly, felt a phantom stab of pain – and everything rushed back in a second. His eyes shot open.

There were bright lights. The medical bay. He recognised the decor. Bones' office. He was on the Enterprise - and alive. Joanna? Where was Joanna? The answer came quickly when he attempted to sit up. She had fallen asleep on the chair next to him, head on his mattress, a mass of dark brown hair across his arm. He watched the steady rise and fall of her chest, and felt something ease within him. He laid back down.

"Good. You're awake." Bones' voice was quiet. Jim wasn't sure if he'd been watching him, or his doctor sense had tingled.

He glanced up at his friend, recalling when he'd last seen him. "Are you alright?"

The doctor scowled. "I'm never alright on this damn ship." He swallowed. "Nothing permanent. Chapel was behind you. Gave them a hell of a beating." He sounded grimly satisfied.

Jim thanked everything he believed in. "The Enterprise?"

"Is in one piece, as you can see." He expanded when Jim gave him a look. "The ship came back for us and took a few hits. Don't give me that expression – you'd be dead if Spock hadn't come back when he did. I couldn't fix a wound like that without any kit – and I wasn't exactly in shape myself. Scotty got us out of Tauron space, but there was some damage and we've stopped so he can make some repairs."

Jim nodded curtly, but was rather pleased. Apparently the Vulcan was learning – though he'd be having words with him allowing his ship to be damaged.

Bones turned his back to him, pouring himself a drink with a shaking hand. He glanced back down and forced himself to ask the question. Because he knew what it would mean.

"Joanna?"

Bones sat on the edge of his desk, downing his drink and pouring another. "She's alright. Though you've been unconscious for two days. This is the first she's slept." He looked grim. And tired. His face softened into pain when he studied his daughter. "She shot two men, Jim."

"I know." She'd been protecting him. They wouldn't have hurt her, after all – they wanted her. Hell – she was fifteen years old and she'd killed two men to protect him.

"She… she won't talk to me about it." There was pain in the doctor's voice. "I tried. Hell, I know I'm not the best father but…" He swallowed. "Chapel tried too. Even Zuvolt, with all his psychology mumbo-jumbo." He shook his head. "She won't talk about it. She told me that she'd done it when I got to her and found you. But she refused to talk about it since. She just sat here, with you." He wiped a hand across his face. "Hell Jim."

"I know."

The guilt was evident on his face as he took another drink. "I thought she'd be safe. What sort of idiot am I? I should have known better than to allow anyone near her."

"Mantora was your friend."

"More the idiot me. Hell Jim. If you hadn't been there…" He swallowed, his hands trembling harder. "What he said… I didn't… You know that I couldn't…"

"Obviously." He said with calm certainty. Bones would never hurt Joanna – never experiment on her. It just wasn't possible.

"Hell, but what if I've forgotten something?" Jim saw a pang of that uncertainty, the look he'd had in the Year War. "I sure as hell don't know why Joanna's different. What if I had done something…"

"You'd already left when it started. Joanna told me. It wasn't anything to do with you. She knows that." The doctor's shoulders sagged in relief. "Is it true?" Jim forced himself to ask. "That she's different?"

"Chapel and I have read everything out there on eidetic memory in the last two days. It looks that way. But I don't give a damn. It doesn't change anything." His face was fierce. "She's still Joanna – and we could spend a lifetime trying to work out why she's different, and testing her, but at the end of the day it doesn't change anything. She has this… ability, but she's damn well still my daughter, and no one else is going near her."

"What if she wants to know why?"

Bones shook his head. "I don't think there's going to be any easy way to tell. I've scanned her brain plenty of times over the years. If there was something obvious I would have found it. I won't put her through more." Jim nodded – because what more could he do? The doctor quietly studied his drink. "I can't bring her back here, Jim. You must know that. The risk…" Bones swallowed. Jim felt his heart sink. He wasn't going to allow her back on the Enterprise. Jim understood why – but in his opinion, the ship was no more dangerous than anywhere else. However, it was not his decision. He wasn't her father.

"She'll be going to the Academy in a year, Bones. And her school is safe." She could come back when she was trained. When she'd be a member of his staff. It would only be a few years. And he'd have shoreleave. He stroked her hair without thinking. He felt the doctor's eyes on him and lowered his hand.

Bones cleared his throat. "Jim… You rescued her. And damn well took a near-fatal shot. And I'm grateful…" Jim waited for the 'but'. "But she's a teenaged girl. And she's already attached to you. I'm hardly an expert on teenaged girls... But you have half the women in the galaxy after you, and it would be natural for her to… I just… I don't want you to be in a position where you have to break her heart."

Jim made his voice light as something hollowed out his chest. They were friends, him and her. She wouldn't even like him like that. She knew him far too well. Hadn't she become screamish at the idea of him kissing someone? "Trust me, I think you grossly overestimate her attachment to me. She knows me far too well to develop a crush on me – and I'm hardly going to encourage anything like that."

"I know – she has taste after all." The doctor gave a sardonic smile. "But even so…" Even so, she'd shot two men to protect him. He knew Joanna. He knew what that would do to her inside.

"I'll stay away from her if you need me to Bones." He watched the man sag with relief. He'd still have her letters, he told himself. And he could see her on shoreleave, when her dad was about. But Bones was right.

"You know I'd never let anything hurt her, don't you?" He said softly.

"I know." Bones agreed. "I trust you with her life, after all. But not her heart, Jim."

Jim nodded and watched the sleeping girl. He felt a wave of loneliness and pushed it far away. Things were what they were. They were friends, him and her, but he had a reputation and as she got older it would be harder to protect her from that.

"I wouldn't trust me either."

_A/N__ – Emotional stuff! And things are only going to get worse before they get better, I'm afraid. Jim's about to screw up big time. The song for the next chapter is So Cold by Ben Cocks. Thanks again for reading._


	29. The Weight of a Promise

28. The Weight of a Promise

_A/N__ – Alright – here comes an emotional chapter – one that actually made me cry to write. Don't judge either character too harshly for their actions. Put in an impossible situation like this – what would you do? For those interested, the piece I imagine Joanna playing for this is November Rain by David Garrett. He plays his violin the way I imagine Joanna playing – with all that emotion (plus it's a superb album – I highly recommend it). Thanks for reading._

Oh, you can't hear me cry  
>See my dreams all die<br>From where you're standing  
>On your own.<br>It's so quiet here  
>And I feel so cold<br>This house no longer  
>Feels like home.<p>

_So Cold – Ben Crocks_

"The instinct can be fought. We're human beings with the blood of a million savage years on our hands! But we can stop it. We can admit that we're killers ... but we're not going to kill today. That's all it takes! Knowing that we're not going to kill - today!" _– James T. Kirk, A Taste of Armageddon, TOS_

Stardate: 2269

Jim: Aged 36

Joanna: Aged 20

Joanna's eyes flickered open. It was gloomy in the room – pale light coming through the curtains, accompanied by the sound of ever-persistent rain. Her body felt heavy in the bed, and it took mere moments for the pains acquired over the last few days to catch up with her. For a moment she wished she could sleep again, to forget. But if wishes were raindrops, hers would be an ocean, as Grandma would say.

She felt the mattress move beside her, and fought a wave of panic, her hand automatically tightening on the knife next to her.

"Good morning." Jim's voice sounded cheerful as he perched on the edge of the bed, damp-haired and dressed. How long had he been up – and how the hell hadn't he woken her? Damn, but he was beautiful in the dim light, his blue eyes so warm that she wanted to reach out for him, make him hold her like he had last night. But that was idiotic.

She scowled and considered hiding her face with the pillow. Mornings were not her shining moment – especially when every part of her body screamed whilst lying still. "I'm surprised you're not hung-over after last night." She said acerbically, trying to hide her treacherously speeding heart.

"It takes a lot to make me hung-over." He winked, giving her a smile that made her heart squeeze painfully. She studied his face. Did he remember last night? She couldn't tell. His eyes were unreadable, and she found she couldn't ask. She could remember of course. Every single breath. Every moment. Touching his warm skin as her voice spoke of its own accord, making her heart so obvious she wondered that he hadn't turned from her in disgust. She'd been so vulnerable last night, her control in pieces. Sarkat's touch had dirtied her, had… but no she forced those memories away into the detached box where she kept her personal demons.

"Joanna? You alright?" Jim's eyes were full of concern and she attempted to shrug it off.

"Fine." She checked the clock. They had a few hours before Hy'Lar would be back. She couldn't wait. She hated this planet. "Let me get dressed." She forced herself out of the warm bed, her joints screaming their protest.

Jim's grin widened in her peripheral vision. "You know, I could help with that."

She could tell he was deliberately goading her, trying to relax her with his fake flirting. It was certainly a whole battalion of Klingons different from their exchange last night, when she'd been Antonia and he'd been trying to seduce her. The thought filled her with heat. Damn, he'd been good. But it had been false. No more real than what he was doing now - no one knew that better than her.

"I doubt it. You might be a pro at getting clothes off, but getting them back on?"

"I'm willing to learn."

"Why? Do you want to share my clothes?"

He moved towards her with a smile and brushed the hair from her shoulders, filling her with heat again. Hell. He smelt of soap and warmth and that deep musky smell she identified as him. She pushed the colour from her cheeks and tried to pretend her heart wasn't racing. She needed to spend some time in meditation. Her body hummed and she ached to touch him. "I've recently learnt that you never know when you might need to dress a woman." He rose an eyebrow. "Can't have you running around half-naked. Especially after your recent escapades."

She snorted. She'd worn a hell of a lot less in public than the leather catsuit last night. "Good to know. Though you didn't seem so keen on protecting my modesty when you took my clothes off the other day."

"You were freezing to death. And I rolled you in blankets. I didn't see… anything." For a moment she almost thought he blushed. Jim. Blush. She was obviously mistaken.

"Very thoughtful. My dad would be impressed."

Jim's hand snaked on to her breastbone, over her necklace, and she stopped breathing. "I doubt it." His eyes were turquoise blue. He wasn't smiling anymore. To her surprise he did up her top button on her shirt. "But luckily for you, I'm a quick study." She tried to read the expression on his face, but it gave her nothing. She instinctively reached for him, then dropped her hand, uncertain.

She cleared her throat. "I'll be in the bathroom."

Jim stepped away, eyes focused on the wall. "Take your time."

She did. Damn, she was a mess. She washed up, taking her time to see to her wounds. Her body was a collection of bruises and marks that made her avoid looking in the mirror, and stung as she ran her dermal regenerator across them. She attempted not to think of the meeting she had to go to tomorrow. Of how that might end. The tension coiled in her stomach again. Sarkat would be out to kill her now. So would some of the others. How long until her cover was broken? But she would have to take that risk. What other choice did she have? This was why she was here. Her handler had made that very clear. And if she reached the top of the Syndicate… maybe she'd have some more answers. Something that her seniors couldn't ignore.

The room's communicator started to buzz. For a moment she froze. Then she moved – slamming out of the bathroom, and pushing on the screen before Jim had taken two steps towards it.

"Marlena?" It was the girl from the front desk. Joanna had pulled some creep off her a few weeks ago – actually she'd been spying on a woman in the room upstairs, but they'd been making too much noise and were going to blow her cover. The girl hadn't known that of course and had been embarrassingly grateful at this apparent act of unexpected heroism. Unexpected because frankly, if Joanna had interceded in every woman she'd seen molested against her will on this planet she'd have drawn so much attention to herself that a four-year old would have been able to kill her. But the girl had been useful in the few times that she'd stayed here – keeping an eye out for people who took too much interest in a young Human female. "There's three men who asked for you at the desk. I think they've hacked the guest list. They took the service turbolift on the North corridor." There was no point asking if they were armed. They were always armed.

"Thanks." Joanna responded shortly and switched off the screen.

Jim appeared beside her. He could sense trouble – she knew he didn't need to ask. "Pack up. Quickly." She was registered for another room of course. They wouldn't be coming here. But they'd have scanners – that would only buy her an extra few minutes.

She moved to the safe and pulled out another phaser, throwing it to Jim, pulled on her boots, and threw everything else out into the incinerator. She attached her cleaner to the wall, and let it wipe their prints in a flash of light. She'd have left DNA – but someone would have a hard time tracing that back to her these days. She pulled open the window.

"Good job you're not hungover." She said frankly.

Jim gave her a smile, unperturbed by her quick movements, always ready in a crisis. He already had her bag thrown over his shoulder. "I take it we're not taking the usual way out?"

"I like to keep things fresh."

Jim glanced out of the window. There were seventy-six floors up. It made for dizzying viewing. His smile broadened. "Me too. Let's go."

She led the way. She'd picked this room for a reason. Naturally she had the entire layout of the hotel and the surrounding buildings memorised. A short climb away they'd get to a service turbolift and make it downstairs. Or upstairs to the roof if necessary. But Joanna had no intention of using that – not yet. She needed to see exactly who was coming after her. She'd deliberately picked a hotel without security cameras for her own benefit – but it came at a price. They'd need to climb up two floors towards the room where she was supposed to be staying to give her a look.

There were plenty of handholds on her way up, but rain was pouring and the stone was slick and icy at this height. She heard Jim breathing heavily behind her. Hell, the last thing she wanted was him falling to his death.

"Be careful." She shouted to him, pushing the wet hair from her face whilst balancing precariously. She wished she'd had time to tie it back.

He gave her a mocking look as he swung up beside her. "Given what we're doing, I don't think that's possible, Sassy."

That was true, she supposed, but he knew what she'd meant. She scowled at him for good measure and he laughed aloud. He always seemed so cheerful putting himself in hazardous positions. Though come to think of it, it explained a lot about his friends. And her, for that matter… She turned her back on him, and swung up to the next handhold, choosing not to think about that.

She had to overwrite the locking mechanism on the window to let them in. She dropped into the corridor silently. Jim came in beside her, shaking the ice from his hair. She pulled out her phaser, and he took his prompt and pulled out his own without comment. It was surprisingly pleasant knowing he had her back.

They were in the West corridor. The room she'd supposedly booked under the name Marlena Moreau was in the North, giving her some manoeuvring room. What had prompted them to look for her here? Were they searching all the large hotels for her? But that required a great deal of man-power. And Antonia was known never to frequent common hotels – she'd made her opinion of such places clear as part of her cover. Even if they'd recognised her last night – even if they'd been sent by Sarkat – this would be the last place they'd look for her, surely.

She moved towards the corridor's intersection and used a mirror to see around the corner onto the North corridor. The pair that had come for her were half-way down it and could have been another holiday making couple – both Cardassian, male and female, and walking close together. Except they were counting the numbers of the rooms, looking for hers. And their hand's rested on their weapons. They were clearly well trained. Syndicate perhaps. Or Mercs – they often worked as a couple. She watched as they silently moved into position, communicating with gestures only, before forcing the doors open to the room. They moved in, phasers raised. Joanna frowned.

"Seen enough?" Jim asked in a whisper over her shoulder. But something didn't feel right. Something made her anxious. She searched for the source of her discomfort, rewinding her memory of the last few minutes. It paused back in her room. At the communicator. The girl had said three men. Who had asked for her. By name. Her blood ran cold.

She swore under her breath, grabbed Jim's hand and ran. The explosion rocked the building, forcing them to the ground. Joanna opened her eyes to smoke and flickering lights. She didn't need to see to know what room the explosion had occurred in. Hell. This was bad.

"You okay?" Jim was half covering her, she realised. It was automatic, him shielding her with his body and protecting her. She felt an overwhelming wave of affection for him. Then every alarm went off in the building. Guests were running out of their rooms in various states of dress and panic. She pulled herself to her feet without a word, pulling Jim with her. She saw three men with phasers drawn amongst the guests. Humans. They were Humans.

She bolted back to the window. The turbolift wouldn't be safe. Neither would the crowd unless she wanted a lot of casualties. "Joanna? What's going on?" Jim was frowning, trying to make sense of what was happening. She knew he'd spotted the Humans too – had immediately recognised the threat they posed on a planet like this. But he didn't have enough pieces to put it all together, not like she had.

"We need to get on the roof. Hurry, Jim."

She eased herself back out onto the ledge, lungs filling with icy air. There would be twenty-seven floors to the roof. She'd never planned to climb that far – she wasn't sure what the handholds would be like closer to the roof. And it would be cold too – being out here for more than a few minutes was bad, but climbing further up... But then she'd never planned for someone to blow out the side of the building, either. Or for two groups to come for her at once. _Adapt, adapt, adapt_; Lotoc's dry voice echoed in her mind.

Jim climbed out beside her, her concern mirrored in his eyes. "I assume you've got rope in this bag?" She nodded blankly. "Good." He pulled out the coil. "That was a big blast. Will the building come down?"

She hadn't thought of that, but now she felt the stone shudder under her feet, swaying almost. And felt her chances of climbing to the roof slim. "I don't know. Building regulations here aren't like the Federation's." In that there weren't any if you were rich enough.

Jim ran a hand through his hair. "Well, that sort of blast might cause collapse of the floors above, if nothing else. Let's hope everyone's being evacuated down and out." Of course his first thought would be to save the innocents. That was Jim. "How far is that building?" He pointed to the lit casino, far below them.

"Sixty-five stories down – that's two-hundred metres." Her breath came out in cool pants. How long would it be before they noticed the open window? "Unsurvivable at a drop." She added.

"How long's the rope?"

"Five metres."

She watched Jim calculate something in his head, nodding to himself. She knew he was a genius – but short of getting back into the building, or climbing, she didn't know what he expected to do. "Have you got a decent auto-grapple for this?"

She pulled the attachment out of her bag. He connected it, then smiled at her. That cocky, self-assured smile that told her that somehow he was going to get them out of this. Damn, she could kiss him for that look right now.

"Are you ready to trust me again?" He asked softly. She nodded and he grinned that little-boy smile. "Good. I've always wanted to see if this would work." That did _not_ fill her with confidence.

He opened up his phaser, pulled the electromagnet out of it, and clamped it onto the grapple with tape from her first aid kit. The building began to shake in a way that suggested that immediate evacuation was healthy. Jim quickly pulled her close and tied them together with the rope, grapple in his hand.

"Ready to do something really crazy?" There was a glint in his eye that she couldn't help but respond to.

She grinned at the challenge and wrapped her arms around his waist. Damn, if she died, she'd rather do it in his arms anyway. "Always."

"Good."

Then he threw them from the building.

For a second she felt nothing but that weightless euphoria that came from free-falling. Then her arms tightened around Jim as they spun over and over, their speed increasing. She couldn't see Jim's face, but felt the pulse in his throat, his muscles tight, as icy wind froze her cheeks and forced her eyes shut. She felt one of his arms release her and held him tighter. He threw the grapple hook downwards. She felt the ground rushing towards her, even with her eyes shut. Hell. They were going to die. Then the rope around them went taut, and instead of rushing downwards they were moving sideways.

"Hold on." She heard Jim shout – as if she'd do anything else. He released the grapple, she felt them descend – slower this time, then he threw it again. It caught quickly, the rope going taut, and she opened her eyes to see them moving rapidly towards the casino that they were now level with. Jim pulled his arms from her, released and rethrew the grapple one final time, then reached out and grabbed something hard. She felt his body jar. And opened her eyes to realise he was hanging. From a balcony edge. And he was taking both their weights.

The strain was obvious on his face. She wasn't sure what his grip was like but hoped it was okay because they were still far enough from the ground that she'd probably break every bone if she fell. She undid the rope that tied them together, then wrapped her legs around his waist and reached for the ledge herself, taking her own weight. With a heave she pulled herself up and over the edge, then helped heave him up next to her.

They lay on the floor for a moment, panting. She made out the hotel next door that they'd jumped from. A screaming metallic sound coupled with a perilous tilt of the building told her that the upper floors were collapsing. She turned onto her side and raised her eyebrows at Jim.

"You know, all this jumping is becoming a habit."

Jim chuckled, shutting his eyes for a moment. "Don't pretend you don't love it."

She grinned, because she was mad because she did. "You sure know how to show a girl a good time."

Jim laughed at that, his voice still breathless. "This is what you call a good time? I'm even more relieved that it worked then."

"You mean it might not have?" She considered what he'd just managed to do – which seemed nearly impossible. Frankly, it was a miracle it had.

"Trust me, you don't want the answer to that question." He glanced at her. "Were they Humans that were after you?"

She nodded grimly. "So it would seem." And that meant something very, very bad. Something she'd tried not to think about when they'd been escaping, but couldn't fail to acknowledge now. Because there was only one person who knew that she was Marlena Moreau. That was the person who'd created the cover for her in the first place.

"I need to get to Boradis."

Jim had flown them there. There had been no time to wait for Hy'Lar. She'd sent him a rapidly encoded message, giving him the new pick-up coordinates, then ran the risk of being noticed by hiring a private ship. They'd come for Yarsaren Vi – a man who knew far, far too much about her. Or he'd sold her out – but she would rather think the former. He had no love for the Syndicate, but he was fairly fond of Antonia – mostly because he probably knew her real identity. And because of the bargain they'd struck. She'd promised that if he gave away information about her she'd come for him. A man who could very well blow her entire op. Her stomach contracted fearfully with the knowledge of what she would have to do. She tried to think of another way out of this mess.

"Joanna?" Jim's hands moved across panel, beginning their descent onto the planet. She'd been silent the entire trip. How could she explain to him what she had to do? Her stomach clenched with anxiety. She pushed it away, put on her Antonia persona. She'd need her now. "Joanna, is this about that lawyer?"

"Yes." She said honestly. She owed him that.

"You think he's given you away?"

"Yes. Or been forced to."

Jim nodded. "So we're saving him?"

Joanna didn't answer. Hell, she didn't want to lie to him. She couldn't do that anymore. Hadn't she promised him some answers? But this – this he wouldn't understand. He was Jim. He had the luxury of having morals that she didn't.

Jim landed the ship in the spaceport. She pulled her bag on, face blank, pushing her emotions away hard. There was no way she could do this as she was. She needed to be Antonia now. She could cry about it later.

"Wait here, Jim."

"Why?"

She suppressed a wave of irritation. Why couldn't he just do what he was told? He could not be involved with this. He just couldn't. "Because I need you to." Her voice was angrier than she'd intended, as she fought a wave of panic, but there wasn't much she could do about that.

She felt his eyes on her face and refused to meet his gaze. "Joanna? How exactly are you planning on saving the lawyer?"

She swallowed and opened the door. "However I can."

Then she left, pushing her way through the crowds at the spaceport and moving into the city. She automatically scanned for a tail, but her heart wasn't in it. Part of her actually hoped someone caught up with her so she didn't have to do this. Deep down she'd always expected that she'd be dead before it came to this.

The agreement had been simple. Yarsaren Vi had been heavily involved in the dealings of the Syndicate for almost thirty years – helping to move arms, creating identities, falsifying logs. But about fifteen years ago, something had made him want to get out. She had never established what exactly had prompted the change of heart – the money had been good, the job secure. She guessed he'd probably seen something he wasn't meant to. Yarsaren never liked to get his hands dirty. So he'd tried to go into hiding with his three wives and children. Naturally, the Syndicate had tracked him down in days. They'd tortured him for several months. They they'd killed his eldest child for his audacity.

If it had only been the torture, she was sure that she wouldn't have managed to turn him. She knew too well the sort of fear the pain caused. But she'd watched him with his children. The man would never, never, forgive himself for the death of his child, and his wives would never allow him to forget it. So he'd agreed to help her to get his revenge on the Syndicate. And she'd agreed that when his position was eventually compromised, she would kill him to prevent his further torture – and to prevent the Syndicate coming after his family again. That was the deal. Yarsaren always made sure she remembered it.

In truth there was more to it than that. Despite being a militaristic society, the Andorians believed that dying at the hand of an enemy would lead to their version of hell. It was why they worked so hard to perfect their combat. Death by natural causes on the other hand, or at the hand of a friend if necessary, led to eternal happiness. Hence their wars were usually based on very good reasons – reasons that the beings would willingly jeopardise their eternal salvation over. Yarsaren was not being entirely selfless when he made the deal. He didn't want to die at the hands of his enemy. Given that Joanna didn't like the man, to call them friends was a bit of a stretch – but the enemy of her enemy was her friend, she supposed.

And now Yarsaren was compromised. Now she would have to kill him.

She kept her phaser visible on her belt as she walked through the lobby. No one tried to stop her. The hall was unusually silent. She felt her hackles rise, but was strangely calm as she took the turbolift to his level.

There were bodies when she stepped out of the sliding doors. Scattered across the room, some hiding, some trying to get away, their faces down on the floors when they'd been executed. Some of the divorcing couples had the forethought to hold hands when they'd been shot, a few males trying to shield their soon-to-be ex-wives. A jaunty tune was still playing on the sound-system. She wasn't sure why that chilled her, but it did. She stepped over the bodies silently, phaser in hand, moving towards Yarsaren's office.

Cara, his receptionist, was dead and had fallen face-forward on her desk. Joanna felt a moment of regret – she'd rather enjoyed winding up the girl when she'd been Antonia. She had almost felt sorry for her. She pushed away that feeling of regret and kept moving.

The door to Yarsaren's office was open. Hell, maybe someone had already finished the job for her. But she doubted it. The man had too much useful information in his head for people to kill him easily. She stepped through the door carefully – as a shot hit the doorframe next to her. She frowned at the Andorian seated in the chair, phaser out. His antennae were trembling, and his eye was turning garishly pink on his blue skin. But his suit was immaculate, and his hair neat. There were two bodies on the floor next to him. One Cardassian and the other she'd guess was Baterax.

"How long do we have?" She asked softly.

"A few minutes. They'll send more men when they realise you're not dead." He smiled at her. "It's very pleasant to see you again, Antonia. Would you care for a cup of tea?"

"No." Hell. Did he not realise that his manners were not conducive to a killing mood?

"I didn't think so. You never do. It's a shame really – sometimes the simple pleasures in life are the ones that make it worth living." Living? Was this a joke?

"You know why I'm here?"

He nodded. "Of course." Her hand shook on the phaser. She swallowed and pushed away her emotions, held on to Antonia. He looked her in the eye. "We had an agreement."

"I know."

"I did not tell them who you were – you needn't fear. But someone knows it."  
>"Trasta?"<p>

"No. They want Salvatori alone. Another, bigger player wants McCoy. I have no name, so do not ask." He sighed. "But you're still alive – so you suspect. That is good. It might keep you alive for slightly longer."

"You know this is more than weapons then? More than the Syndicate?"

"Of course. But we are just players in a plan of the Gods. I have done my part. Now you must do yours." She swallowed and tried to think of another way. But there was no other. They needed to see him dead or they would come after every one he cared about.

He frowned at her. "You gave me your word, child."

"Yes." She took a breath and re-aimed her phaser. "Goodbye Yarsaren."

"No!" A voice stopped her from taking the shot - the voice that she least wanted to hear right now. Damn it. Jim. Oh hell. Of course he'd followed. Why had she expected anything less? "Don't do it."

"I have to." She tried to explain to him, tried to reason with those steely blue eyes. "You don't understand-."

"Yes I do. And trust me – no matter what this man knows, killing him isn't the solution."

She shut her eyes briefly "I have no choice." Her voice sounded detached. Numb. Because she knew what was going to happen.

"There's always a choice. I know you. You're not a killer Sassy." Her hand trembled. Hell. She wasn't sure she could do this.

"You gave me your word." Yarsaren pointed out in response. And she had. Her word. Didn't that mean something? If she broke her word what would that mean? How could she trust herself?

"I know." She acknowledged, forcing herself to outline their terms. "I swore that if you betrayed me that I would return and kill you."

"Joanna – don't do it." Jim sounded desperate. He took a step towards her. "There's no going back from this. No matter what you think, you'll be killing this man in cold blood. This is not self-defence. You're better than this."

Was she? She'd killed her first person aged fifteen. When she'd seen what she could do, she'd refused to pick up a phaser again until the SI had forced her. Now there was so much blood on her hands… But in self-defence. Not like this. Oh hell. She thought she might vomit.

"Please, Joanna. Please. Fight this. Don't cross the line." Jim would not understand. If she did this, she'd lose him. She'd lose him again.

"Think of my family." Yarsaren added. He looked desperate now. Their time was running out. If she didn't kill him she could hide him – could try and hide his family. But it would never end. They'd always be running. And the Syndicate would hunt them down eventually. She didn't have the skills or finances to keep them protected for long. It would never stop unless he was dead. For a moment she felt like crying. "We had an agreement." Yarsaren said angrily.

"Joanna-."

"I'm sorry." For a moment she wasn't sure which one she was apologising to.

Then she shot Yarsaren.

There was silence. She could only hear her ragged breathing. She knew what this meant. But even so her heart protested, every fibre of her aching in denial.

"Jim." She turned to him. Her hands shook uncontrollably. "Please Jim. Let me explain."

"There's nothing to explain." His voice was cold, his face away from her.

"Please. Just-."

"No." He turned to her now. He was angry. She'd never seen him so angry. "You made your decision. You've made it clear what's important to you. Do you have any idea what you've done? What line you've crossed. You've just murdered a man. Murdered." He wiped a hand across his face. "This job has changed you Joanna – but I never thought… I _never_ thought you'd be capable of this. Not you." He turned his back to her, shoulders slumped like she'd hurt him.

"Jim. Listen… Just…" She heard a shout from below, and the sound of sirens. Another wave of panic assailed her. "Look, we need to get out of here, and I'll explain."

"No." He shook his head and she felt herself stop breathing. "I can't, Joanna. I just... can't." Oh hell. It was happening. She knew it would happen. He was going to leave her. Desperation made her harsh.

"Damn it. So what? You're going to leave again? And what? Hand me in? Tell everyone what a bad girl I've been?"

"No." Jim's voice was cold again. "Don't worry. I won't blow your cover. Clearly whatever you're doing is important – at least to you. Besides, how could I tell anyone what you've done?" His voice was quiet. "It would break your dad's heart." She felt an icy stab of pain to her chest. She stood there, reeling, trying to hold the pieces of herself together as her world shattered to pieces again. He took a few steps away from her, but paused at the door, back to her. "Joanna… you need to leave this. Leave it now – before it destroys you completely."  
>She took a step towards him, anxious and desperate. Then stopped. Because what difference did it make? It was safer this way. Safer for him to go, to leave her and go back to the Enterprise. This wasn't his world – this dark place where she was trapped. Her Grandma's voice echoed from a long time ago, and she suddenly was sitting on her knee, smelling apple pie, while Grandma explained why they'd had to put her favourite horse down. 'Sometimes, Joanna, the kindest thing we can do for someone we love is to let them go.'<p>

She remained motionless as she watched him walk out of the door, as her heart broke. Then she went onto autopilot, every emotion shutting down. She cleaned the security footage, took a few of Yarsaren's PADDs she thought might be useful, then took his private turbolift to the ground, changing her clothes as she went. If anyone noticed a small Human woman walking back through the crowds, it attracted no unexpected attention.

Her plan had always been clear when it came to Yarsaren Vi. She piloted a small bike through the artic desert to the bleak estate that the Andorian kept his wives and children. His wives had probably seen her coming for several kilometres, and met her at the gate. She'd never encountered them before, but knew them by sight from the intelligence she'd collected. She powered down and approached them quietly. One of the wives was already crying, being comforted by an older one next to her. A small girl hung onto her skirts, an older boy with his arms crossed stood at the door. Joanna tried not to look at them. She shut down every emotion she had left.

"Is it done?" The eldest woman, Yarsaren's first wife, met her gaze calmly, strength in that fierce gaze.

"Yes."

"He died nobly?"

"Yes."

"He was a fool to become involved with such people. A fool." The weeping wife cried as the other hushed her softly.

"We are grateful." The first wife nodded to her. "You have spared us and his children much anguish. We knew his days were numbered."

Joanna made no comment, emotions locked far away. She studied the boxes outside the home instead. "Are you prepared to leave?"

"Yes. We will take the children under the cover of darkness. Vi said there would be time enough if you kept your word."

She nodded. "There is no reason for them to come after you - but there's a false trail in place should it be expedient."

"Thank you."

The second wife stepped forward. "Do you need to rest?"

She shook her head, though her body and mind were exhausted and ached for sleep that she knew would no longer come. "No. I'll only endanger you by staying. I've arranged to have Vi's his body returned to Andoria."

"Good. It is time his children returned to the plains and took the _ushaan-tor_. We have been off-world too long."

Joanna glanced at the small boy again. With his father dead he would return to their homeworld and train in combat. His life was set out, his choices bound as they wouldn't have been on this planet, where being a lawyer wasn't so unusual. And for a moment, Joanna felt a profound sense of loss for him – for all of them. Then she pushed it away hard.

"Be safe." She heard herself say. Then she turned, remounted her bike and drove away.

Hy'Lar collected her at the correct coordinates right on time. She was near-frozen by then – but could no longer care. She beamed neatly onto the pad of the T'Plana Hath as the Mazarite met her, face already expressing concern at her lack of companion.

"The captain?" He asked gently as he helped her out of her wet coat.

She shook her head, grief running through her like an electric cord. "He's gone." She said simply.

The man touched her cold cheek, reading her emotions with a gentle hand. "I am sorry, Joanna. I had not expected leave after…" He didn't finish and she was glad. Because she couldn't talk about him right now – when she was just holding the pieces of herself together with a thread. "Where do we need to go?"

She felt lost, all of a sudden, like she'd lost her anchor and was free in the storm. Perhaps that was what made her make that decision. "Is it safe to go home?"

"It is likely. There has been nothing on our sensors. Our home appears untouched."

"Then let's go home."

Hy'Lar flew silently. She studied her PADDs without reading them. Her mind contained nothing, just a pain so bad she thought she might vomit. She thought there would be some relief when she walked through the door of her house, but none came. It felt empty – cold. There was no Jim, filling her rooms with his electrical presence. Hy'Lar said something behind her as she entered, but she made no effort to hear it. She climbed the stairs quietly, moving into the bedroom that she'd shared with Jim for only two nights. She'd known her time was limited. She'd known he'd leave again. He'd said himself that he would never have come near her again had she not been in danger. It was better this way. She was nothing to him.

She sat down on the bed numbly. Hell, this was her own fault. Her own fault for letting him in again. For letting herself trust him. She would have thought he'd have given her the chance to explain but she was a fool. He had his morals, his beliefs, and would never understand. For a moment she thought her emotions might overwhelm her again, but she pushed them away. She couldn't cope with them. Not now.

There was a gentle knock at her door. She felt a sudden desire to run from the man who looked after her, and pushed it away because it was unkind. It wasn't Hy'Lar's fault she was what she was. A liar. A murderer. Hell. She forced away the emotion again and opened the door to him. He carried an oblong box.

"Joanna. I am sorry." His face was serious.

"I know." She felt like she would break and had to turn from him.

"But perhaps… perhaps it is for the best he is gone."

"Yes." She replied coldly, turning back to him.

For a moment he looked so sad that she wanted to apologise for something she didn't understand. Then he reached down and picked up her necklace on her chest, examining it with a warm hand.

"He was willing to do a great deal to keep you safe, your captain."

"I know." He'd always tried, over the years, to protect her. Her father's daughter. The girl he'd promised to keep safe. But she'd crossed that line and damned herself. He couldn't protect her anymore. He'd stopped being able to when he'd left in the first place. "But I'm not the person he thought I was."

"You are wrong and he is a fool. You are still… but perhaps that is the problem." He gave her a long look. "Did he ever tell you what this is?"

His hand remained on her necklace and her mind flashed to a memory of her holding the stone in her hands as Jim looked desperate. "It's called It-Ora. A dream stone. The Fallon believe it absorbs nightmares." She couldn't say his name. "He used it to… trace me."

"Yes." He continued to stroke the stone. "It has great significance, this stone. Throughout that quadrant all species value it. Some call it a memory-keeper, rather than dream-stone. When a prominent person dies, they use the stone to collect their memories. The wearer then carries the memories of their loved ones, for generations, in remembrance."  
>She nodded, bitterly amused. "The last thing I need is more memories."<p>

The Mazarite nodded his understanding. "Perhaps. I believe it can also be used for protection, when needed."

Joanna suddenly visualised the girl in the water, and her whistle, and the light. "How?"

"I am unsure. The folklore of those planets is not overly familiar to me. But I will attempt to find out."

She swallowed and she wondered why he was telling her this now, when she just wanted to be left alone.

"The captain very much wanted to protect you." Hy'Lar repeated softly, as if trying to tell her something. But she was too tired and hurt too much. "Now come. I have a gift for you." He said with a smile.

"You didn't have to…"

"I know. But I believe it will help. Here." He gave the box he carried to her and she placed it on the bed, opening it slowly.

It was the last thing she expected. Polished wood met her eyes. Beautiful mahongany, perfectly grained and shaped. For a moment she stopped breathing.

"Where did you find this?"

"It's extraordinary what you can find in markets on backwater planets." She could hear the smile in Hy'Lar's voice. "Do you like it? I believe it is an Earth instrument, is it not?"

"Yes. A violin." He'd found her a violin.

She picked it up gently, stroking its curves and board. She hadn't played in a long time. Her own violin was safely in storage on Earth. But suddenly her fingers itched to play, her arms yearned to make the music that had made her happy so long ago. How had he known? Had she projected it while she was sleeping?

"Thank you." She breathed softly.

He squeezed her shoulder. "You are welcome, Joanna. You are always welcome." He paused for a moment as if he was going to say something more, then left her room silently. She barely noticed, her fingers automatically tuning her instrument to memorised notes. Then she put bow to string, her heart beating hard, and let her arms guide her, playing the music that had been part of her soul for so long that she barely remembered it being otherwise.

It flowed out of her like a living thing, filling the room. She played as her fingers blistered, having lost their previous callouses, and her shoulder screamed. She kept going until she could play no more. And then she stopped as something inside her broke. There were tears on her cheeks as she gently replaced her violin and bow in its case.

She padded silently into her bathroom and started the shower. She removed all of her clothes and forced herself to look in the mirror she'd been avoiding for so long. A gaunt face looked back at her, eyes red and swollen, hair a tangled mess. Her ribs were visible, her hips too prominent, her skin sallow. She forced her eyes down to the tattoo she'd had done only two years ago - when she'd been a different person. Still a girl. Still unsure what she would be willing to do for love – of the sacrifice she'd be willing to make. She made herself look, study every plane and crevice. There was nothing there, in that mirror, that anyone would want. Nothing there that he would want. She'd been deluding herself for the last days. After he'd kissed her she'd allowed herself to believe… but she was a fool. This – this girl in front of her – was who she was. Agent, liar, murderer. Why pretend to herself? She had no pretentions when she'd joined Intelligence. She'd known what she'd done and what she'd have to become. She gave a gasping laugh. The irony was she'd done it for him – become something that he couldn't even look at - all for him.

She got into the shower and let the scalding water pour over her. This was her life. She would take this conspiracy down, all of them, as a ghost that was nobody to anyone. And if she had to get muddy, so be it. She would be the girl that would break her father's heart. The girl that Jim would never want. That was the price. She cried then, long and hard, sitting on the floor of her shower, arms wrapped around her knees. And then, piece by piece she rebuilt her walls. She locked those emotions in, and put that mare far away, out of reach, never to be touched again. With those walls in place she was whoever the SI needed her to be. She would bring them down – and she would probably die trying.

She towelled herself dry and contacted her handler with her mind quiet. He answered quickly.

"Yes?"

"It's me."

"Clearly. Was it also you on Boradis?"

"Yes. My situation was compromised."

"Is your cover intact?"

"For now."

"You have also been to Adigeon Prime." She felt a wave of nervousness. She hated that he knew that – he knew too much.

She forced her voice to blankness. "I needed information from the Cardassian captain."

"Information that worth jeopardising your mission for?" The rebuke was clear.

"Yes." She pushed anger from her voice. "Information that you need to hear in person." Information that she could not send electronically.

He paused, understanding the implications. "I see. You will report in person once your mission is complete."

If she lived that long, she wanted to point out. She'd need to create a failsafe in case she didn't. But there was no point pursuing that line of thought with him.

"Is everything prepared on Surata II?" She asked – because she was relying on him to make sure she didn't cause a planet-wide extinction with the trial of a biological tomorrow.

"Yes. Should all be executed as anticipated you should expect a second meeting to exchange goods."

"Have you left me the supply?"

"In the usual place."

"Good."

"If you succeed tomorrow you must send word. You should not enter a second meeting without support."

"I'll bear that in mind."

"Make sure you are appropriately armed tomorrow."

"Of course." She didn't need him to tell her how to do her job. But she did need to put her affairs in order. "If I die tomorrow will you deliver the box to my father as we discussed?"

"Yes." She felt a sense of relief.

"Well… bye."

He terminated the communication. She sat in silence for a few moments, then got into bed. It felt cold alone but she didn't acknowledge that thought. She meditated for a few hours, then attempted to sleep.

It was a warm day on Cerberus and she moved through the crowds with fascination. The school had allowed the children a visit to the Solstice fair for 'cultural purposes', but she had rapidly removed herself from the Vulcan group who were more spectators than participants of the amusements, finding far more interesting things alone without their boring commentary. Her nine-year old body moved through the attractions with fascination, examining the food and the animals, acrobats in bright clothing, and women who could spurt water and fire. Someone handed her a red balloon filled with helium that floated above her, and she carried it with amusement as she walked through them, memorising the details for later.

It was nearing dusk, and she should have been returning to school when she first noticed the man. He was tall and dark, and caught her attention because, despite the heat, he was wearing a large black coat. She felt a wave of recognition, and with it an accompanying feeling of uneasiness. She was unable to place him. Her memory had never let her down before. He looked out into the red desert with a pensive expression. He was Human, she realised. She'd never seen another Human on Cerberus before. Intrigue made her draw closer than she probably should have.

The man turned to her with a smile as if expecting her to be there. "Hello."

"Hi." His eyes were kind and any uneasiness she felt evaporated. She drew closer to him. "Have you been at the fair?"

He glanced behind him at the revelry as if seeing it for the first time. "No."

"Oh. I don't think many Humans come here you know. In fact, you're the first outside of school."

He was looking at her carefully, examining her face. "Cerberus has many qualities."

"I guess. If you like sand."

He smiled at her with a considering expression. "Why are you here?"

"I've been at the fair." He studied her openly then, taking in her balloon, eyes darkening into something that made her uneasy again.

"It's a balloon." She explained, in case he didn't know. "You know – they fill them with helium and they float."

"I am familiar with the tradition from Earth."

"Well that's good. The Vulcan's don't really understand it, but I think they're pretty."

"Indeed." His eyes fixed on the desert again and she felt herself relax.

"Are you waiting on someone?" She asked inquisitively.

"Yes."

"Are they coming soon?" She thought he must be getting very hot in that coat.

"I was waiting for you."

She frowned without understanding. That must be some strange grown-up thing. "Me?"

He smiled at her again. "I require a Human."

"Why?"

"I have something important I need to give you. I am shortly going into a dangerous situation, and will not be able to keep it safe."

He removed a box from his coat and handed it to her. "What is it?" She asked curiously. It was light, and made of a material that didn't feel quite wood.

"That you must discover for yourself. But first, you must discover how to open it."

She smiled at him. She liked a mystery. "Will you come back again to get it?"

"No. It is yours now."

She studied him with interest. She didn't understand. "Thank you. But why are you giving it to me? I'm no one."

To her surprise he reached out and touched her cheek with a finger and an almost affectionate expression that added to her bewilderment. "One day some will call you special, Joanna. You will be the downfall of many men." His eyes intensified, his voice lowering to a whisper. "Who are you, to judge me?"

The words echoed in her head like she'd heard them before. But she couldn't place them. "Have we met before?"

He smiled at her again, remaining close. "You are very curious, are you not?" She shrugged. "A word of advice. Tempting although it may be, you should stay away from the Klingons."

She frowned at him. Klingons? She'd never met a Klingon before. She probably never would, stuck at this school like she was. However the man was doing up his coat again.

"Will you be safe?" She asked him warily. He said he was going somewhere dangerous, and she suddenly didn't want him to get hurt. "Where ever you're going?"

"Safe?" He looked surprised. "No. There is no place of safety for people like us. But I must go anyway, and try." He smiled at her. "I'm very glad to meet you. We will meet again, I'm sure." Before she could say another word he pressed a button and dematerialised.

Joanna stood for a while in bafflement, attempting to make sense of their conversation. And then it occurred to her that she'd never told him her name.

She woke up with a sense of panic. Her knife was in her left hand, her phaser in the other, ready to meet an unseen assailant. Then she smelt the smoke.

She pulled on her boots and grabbed the bag by her bed. She opened her door carefully. The heat hit her like a wave, the flames coming from downstairs. Why had their fire system not kicked in?

Then she saw the body at the bottom of the stairs and all rational thought left her mind.

"Hy'Lar?" The Mazarite lay on the bottom step, covered in blood. She was down there before she started to breathe again. She turned him over, and saw the wound to his chest. Someone had shot him. They'd been in the house. Raw panic overtook her. "Hy'Lar, open your eyes. Please."

He was still breathing, but it was agonal. She knew too well what that meant but refused to believe. She watched his eyelids flicker. Blood trickled from his mouth. He was mouthing a word.

"It's alright." She tried to reassure him. "Don't speak. You're going to be alright."

The Mazarite grabbed her shirt with surprising force, pulling her down towards him. Hell, there was so much blood. More blood than she could stop. She put her ear to his mouth. He whispered a word. A name that made her blood freeze.

"Khan." Then his hands went limp.

She shook the man. "Hy'Lar? Open your eyes. Hy'Lar?" He wasn't breathing anymore. She desperately felt for a pulse. There was nothing. For a moment she stared at the body in disbelief. Her one friend. He couldn't be dead. He couldn't.

And then the shooting started. Hot, white rage burnt through her veins as the flames grew higher and phaser fire shuddered into the wall next to her. She grabbed the Mazarite under the arms and heaved him back up the stairs, then palmed her phaser. If she was going to die, she was damn well going to take all of them with her. She kissed Hy'Lar's bloody cheek in goodbye and plunged into the flames.

_A/N__ – Argh, heavy stuff. Apologies just when you think things can't get worse too. Unfortunately the next chapter does not let up, either. We're about to see the worst moment of Joanna's life (until she turns 18 at any rate). The song for next chapter is Be Still by The Fray. Thanks for reading._


	30. The Lost Girl

29. The Lost Girl

_A/N: __Well here we go. Another chapter – and this one doesn't let up. Sorry! To understand this couple you have to see the bad with the good, and a lot of their relationship has been forged from difficult times. This is Joanna's worst moment of childhood, and you'll understand a lot about her from it. After all, aren't we all formed from experiences from our childhoods? This is from the events from the Year War - if you didn't recall from the last flashback, everyone had thought Bones had died (obviously we've seen the future and know he didn't). I hope I do it, and Joanna and Jim, justice. Thanks for reading._

When darkness comes upon you  
>And covers you with fear and shame<br>Be still and know that I'm with you  
>And I will say your name<p>

If you forget the way to go  
>And lose where you came from<br>If no one is standing beside you  
>Be still and know I am<p>

_Be Still, The Fray_

"How we deal with death is at least as important as how we deal with life."

_James T. Kirk, Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan_

Stardate: 2260

Jim: Aged 27

Joanna: Aged 11

It was the hottest day of the year when he came. Joanna was sitting in the sweltering classroom as Professor Voltar expostulated on the finer points of quantum theory and she tried not to melt into a puddle. The other students in the room naturally didn't notice the temperature. They studied the presentation with rapt attention, motionless except for an occasional pass of the stylus on PADD, not even a bead of sweat marring their high arched brows. She scowled, wiped the perspiration from her temples and doodled on her PADD. She'd drawn a nice chain of Federation starships, arranged by class, around the border of her page and was filling the centre with a detailed diagram of the Enterprise. She hadn't been listening to the lecture for the last ten minutes at least, relying on her memory for a blow-by-blow account should she need it. Frankly, although she knew she might be able to recite the lecture back, her chances of understanding it were effectively nil, and since she was never going to be a physicist or engineer she wondered why she needed to fill her already overstuffed brain with such useless information. Professor Calros, unfortunately, disagreed with her logic. He'd pushed her into the study chambers increasingly of late, where there was no light and no distractions, and she'd answer questions on the subject over and over until she'd started dreaming about dark matter. But here there was at least a window, and the sight of pollen floating past seemed infinitely more interesting than anything going on in the room.

A long stream of sweat pooled at the base of her back and she shifted uncomfortably. She could have asked for the air-conditioning to be put on of course, but she had no intention of drawing unnecessary attention to herself. Some of the other children already took every opportunity to belittle her for her Human 'weaknesses'. She didn't have the patience for another verbal spar after class – it was getting boring, mostly because they seemed to think that using complicated Vulcan words as insults was entertaining, and because she was running out of creative Vulcan swearwords to say back. If they could put up with this, then she could too. She was not weak and she was determined to show them. She'd shown a few of them her good right hook too, but it was far less fun fighting someone several inches taller and much faster than you were, even if you did make them bleed; and of course, Professor Calros took exception to that too.

Just when she thought she actually might faint from dehydration, because there seemed to be more water outside of her than inside her currently, the door opened and Lotoc stepped in. He nodded at Professor Voltar in apology for the interruption as all eyes turned to him expectantly.

"Joanna McCoy." She felt twenty pairs of eyes flick straight onto her and suddenly wished she was indeed a puddle. "Come."

She scowled, trying to cover up her embarrassment as she picked up her PADD and stood from her desk. Great. She must be in trouble again. She wondered if Professor Calros had noticed the hooks she'd drilled into her ceiling.

Lotoc led her down the corridor at a rapid pace and she had to jog to keep up as she attempted to assemble an excuse. Professor Calros seemed to be able to read her mind sometimes (for all she knew, he _could_ read her mind), so it would have to be something convincing. Meditating upside-down, perhaps? They stopped outside the headmaster's office and before she could knock, Lotoc stopped her with a word.

"Joanna." She glanced up at him. His face was expressionless as usual but she was sure that there was a flicker of emotion in his eyes. That unnerved her more than anything else. She'd never seen emotion from Lotoc before, not in the three years she'd known him. She wasn't even sure he had any. "Courage."

He knocked at the door on her behalf, then opened it for her. She stepped in with more hesitance than she usually would, fully unsettled by Lotoc's behaviour.

The headmaster was standing behind his desk, hands clasped behind his back, elderly face no more readable than it had been the first time he'd met her, and yet somehow disapproving. There was nothing particularly alarming about that picture – she'd spent enough time in his office that it seemed normal.

And then she saw Jim.

For a heartbeat she almost ran to him. But Lotoc's warning gave her pause. She took him in – the rings around his eyes, and the haggard look on his face as if all laughter had drained out of him. Details flashed into her mind unbidden. The Federation was at war – 'the bloodiest war in fifty years' was what the news was calling it. The front was drawing closer to Cerberus – sometimes she could see the flashes of torpedo fire in the sky. In her mind she simultaneously saw the battles, the numbers and ships lost in each, saw each news report of fatalities. And Jim was leading the Enterprise - leading the whole Armada if the stories were true. They were calling him the Hidden Admiral, because it was commonly believed that though he was 'only' a Starfleet captain he was the brain behind the entire defence. So why was he here? Why was he here in the middle of a war? And if he was here… where was her dad?

She glanced from him back to Professor Calros, who was watching her silently, then back again. "Jim?" She finally hazarded. She watched him try to smile. It didn't reach his eyes. And that made her outright panic. "What's happened? What's going on?"

"Joanna…" Jim wiped a hand across his face, lost for words, and Professor Calros eventually cleared his throat.

"The captain has come to bring you news, Joanna. I will allow you some privacy. Please accept my condolences."

He rapidly left the room as her mind attempted to compute that thought. Condolences? Why…? But no. No. It was impossible.

"Jim?" Her voice sounded smaller as she tried to search his face for information, for anything that would let her know that her worst thoughts were wrong. She watched him move towards her with a face full of an expression entirely foreign to her – because Jim never looked like that.

"Joanna. It's your dad-."

"No." She interrupted him. "No. Don't say it." She turned her back on him, blocking him out, as her hands shook and her blood went cold.

"Joanna." He put a hand on her shoulder, heavy and warm. "Joanna… I've come to give you the news. I wanted to do it in person." She heard the tremor in his voice. "He's dead."

"No!" She flung herself away from him, backing herself into a corner. "No. You're wrong. You're lying."

"I'm not, Joanna. I wish I were, but I'm not."

Her mind reeled, fought the information. Because it couldn't be true. It couldn't be. In her mind there was her dad, alive and well, hugging her tight, calling her sweetheart and telling her that he'd be right as rain and that he'd see her once he got back. And he'd written to her. She had the letter – from three days ago. He was moaning about the nurses and Spock and promising that they'd go camping once he got back. He wasn't dead. He couldn't be.

"No."

"I'm sorry. Hell, I'm so sorry Joanna." There was a break in Jim's voice as a tide of pain seemed to build in her. Because it wasn't true. It wasn't. There was a pause. She couldn't speak. Didn't dare give voice to the fear that was clawing at her insides. Jim's voice was quiet when he eventually broke the silence in a halting voice. "It was two days ago. Your dad... he'd agreed to help Starfleet Intelligence get into a Tholian base. The Tholians needed a doctor for what they'd planned. We needed the intel." His voice was hard. "Only something went wrong – and he got left behind… and I couldn't get to him in time. Starfleet bombed the base. There weren't any survivors."

She turned to him angrily because it couldn't be true. "I don't believe you. Maybe he got out somehow? Maybe-."

"He didn't." Jim interrupted her. There was a pain that she couldn't bear to see in his eyes because that might mean it was true. "I sorry, Sassy. But he didn't." Something in her heart broke.

She pulled her arm from him and ran from the room before she'd realised what she was doing. Up the stairs. Into her room with the hooks on the ceiling waiting for ropes. She locked the door and sat on the bed, wrapping her arms around her knees.

It couldn't be true. It just couldn't. Not her dad. Because if it was… For a moment she allowed the awful thought to break through. She'd be trapped here. No more letters. No more Enterprise, or funny stories, or him shouting at her school nurse and treating her for space-sickness. No more camping trips, or him standing up to her mom to let her do some normal things like going out for ice-cream. No more freedom. Just school, and her mom who would say it was his own fault for getting himself killed. She let out a strangled sob. No. It couldn't be. It just couldn't.

She pulled her knees closer as someone knocked at her door softly.

"Joanna?" Jim's voice came through the door. "Will you let me in?" She didn't move. "Joanna? Please?" She couldn't. She just couldn't – couldn't bear it. There was silence for several minutes. She wondered if he had gone, and moved to the door to listen for him, feeling suddenly scared that he might have.

A wail of a communicator broke the silence and indicated he was still outside. His voice was resigned. "I don't have long, Joanna. I have to get back… Will you open the door?" She couldn't decide what to do but was suddenly sure that if she opened that door she'd fall to pieces and believe what Jim said, and she couldn't do that. His voice was soft when he continued. "I've spoken to your headmaster. He's arranging a shuttle for you back to Earth – to your grandmother's while your mom's off-planet." He cleared his throat again. "Joanna… your dad wanted you to know he loved you. I just… you should know that." There were tears on her face, pouring down as she slipped to the floor. His communicator wailed again and she heard him swear. "I've got to go, I'm sorry. I'll come see you when I can. Joanna…" He trailed off, then eventually moved, quiet footsteps down the corridor.

Joanna sat there for a while, unable to move or think or feel anything. Then she pulled herself back up. She got her bag, and began filling it with contents. Jim was wrong. Her dad wasn't dead. He wasn't – and she'd damn well find him and prove it. By the time Lotoc came to collect her a few hours later she was ready.

It was difficult to travel into active warfare – but not impossible. Joanna had spent an hour working out exactly where the Federation forces had been bombing by collating news reports and military press statementss. There was a moon in the Vintaak system that looked like the most likely candidate from what Jim had told her. That was where she would go. She worked out a route, and several alternatives giving the circumstances. She was going to find her dad.

She got onto the transport to Earth under Lotoc's watchful eye. She exited the transport three minutes after he left and found one in the opposite direction. She'd been saving for the last couple of years – ever since she'd had to return to Earth without funds to find her dad and Jim after the reports that the Enterprise had gone down. It was always better to be prepared. Her dad had taught her that.

She got as far as she could on public transport but usual service had broken down closer to the fighting and she found herself stranded for a short time on a backwater planet called Helaris II. And there she met the Klingons.

They weren't what she'd expected. Or they were exactly what she'd expected. She wasn't entirely sure. They sat in a bar – a group of three – two males and a female, laughing loudly and drinking blood wine. She had to concentrate to understand what they were saying – learning Klingon from Uhura and operas wasn't the same as hearing it in real life and she was still early in her studies. She sat in the corner of the bar for a long time watching them. She'd told the Darsari bartender she was waiting on her dad, and he'd taken the explanation with a grunt, but had put a glass of water and some broth in front of her without a word after an hour. The Klingons paid no mind to the other drinkers, feeling safe in their own language. They were a hunting party, it seemed – together to bring news to the Klingon High Council of the Federation war and to find the _Vonlu'_, whatever that was. They discussed the Federation battles and losses with laughs and comments that made her furious. Did they really think that the Tholians wouldn't come after the Klingon Empire once they were finished with the Federation? She stiffened she heard them mention Vintaak.

"They say the Starfleet bombed the entire installation." The woman commented. "They say none lived, their blood running into the ground like rain."

A man snorted. "Unlikely. The Federation are too soft hearted to kill indiscriminately. You know all their prattle – how eager they are to please."

"Perhaps even Humans can be roused to retaliation when their own are killed in droves like cattle." The other man commented.

"They have no vengeance in their blood."

"We must see for ourselves." The woman nodded. "Let us see what this Starfleet can do when their blood is roused."

"Excuse me." Joanna approached them cautiously. Actually she'd said something like 'hear me' in Klingon – but since this was as polite as a Klingon could be, 'excuse me' seemed a fair translation. She didn't know too much about Klingons, but what she did suggested that they were happy to kill first and ask questions later. She needed to be polite. They turned to look at her – three pairs of hard eyes.

"What is she?" She heard one man ask.

"A Human. A Human child." The other responded. The woman just looked at her, face displeased.

"I heard you mention Vintaak." She continued in their language, hoping she was not making a mess of it. "I wish to accompany you there."

They paused, staring at her with no kindness.

"How come you to speak our language, child?" The woman finally said.

"She is a spy." The man to her side suggested. "A Human spy. I heard they train all their children to be dishonourable from birth."

"Perhaps she is no child. Just a very small adult Human. I shall unclothe her to see." The other man gave a dark laugh, leering forwards.

Joanna took a step backward at the threat, hand tightening around her knife in her pocket as if it would offer her some protection. The woman held up a hand and they fell silent. "Answer me." She commanded. Her eyes considered her and Joanna forced herself to speak.

It didn't occur to her to lie. "Because I wanted to learn."

"You wished to learn our language? You are indeed a spy."

"No!" She protested sharply. "No… It's just…" She tried to explain in her poor Klingon. "A man once told me I should stay away from you – the Klingons I mean. But he ended up being bad – evil, and tried to kill my friend, so I thought I should do the opposite."

"Indeed." The woman looked strangely amused. "How are you named?"

"Joanna. Joanna McCoy." There was a small tremor in her voice she couldn't disguise.

"I am Azebar, of the house of Varmis. These are my blood-brothers."

"How does she come to be here?" The man to her left murmured. "Where are you family, little child?" He looked at her with contempt.

Joanna scowled at him. "My father is lost. On the second moon of Vintaak. That's why I need to go there. I need to find him."

"Word is that the base was bombed. There were no survivors. He is dead." The man said with a savage smile.

"He is not." She said fiercely. "I'm going to find him."

The men laughed. Even the woman smiled slightly. Joanna felt her hackles rise but had no chance to speak.

"Why would we take a puny Human with us to such a place?" The other man said. "Leave us. We have no need of you."

Joanna thought hard – desperate for something to offer. "I can help…" She suggested. "I know things – about the war."

"What can you know, child that we do not?" The man snorted.

"I know that the Tholians plan to attack the Klingon Empire when they've expanded their Alpha Quadrant front." She said, aiming another scowl at him.

"You lie."

"No I don't." She recalled something Jim had once said. "There's no point amassing forces so far away from the front unless you have another target in mind."

The Klingon scowled, glancing at Azebar, who was clearly their leader. "She knows too much. She is a Human spy." He stood and took a step towards her. "Allow me to spill her blood and prevent-."

Joanna stepped back, pulling out her knife as the woman held up a firm hand. "Enough." She cocked her head, assessing her and her insufficient weapon with predatory eyes. "Tell me. What will you do if you find that your father is dead?"

She stifled a protest, and suddenly knew that her answer now would be a deciding factor. Having no idea what to say she told the truth that was in her heart. "Then I will find his killers, and I will avenge him."

Azebar laughed, a dark sound. "Very good, Joanna of the House McCoy. Very good." She reached out before Joanna could move away and took her free hand in an almost painful grasp. "I will take you as far as Vintaak." She held up a hand to her compatriots protests. "It is said. Now, more blood wine. Let us toast this association."

The journey on the Klingon Bird of Prey was not particularly enjoyable for Joanna. She was space sick on the unfamiliar ship that seemed far less smooth and comfortable than the Enterprise, and endured hours of questioning by the Klingons about Starfleet and the war they fought. Another time she might have enjoyed it, might have taken the time to question and explore, but on that trip she felt like she was back in her study chamber as she stood in the dimly lit room and numbly told them what she knew. She was sleep deprived and unwell by the time they came into orbit. But she didn't care. It was all worth it. Anything was worth it if she found her dad.

They beamed down to the snowy surface a day later. The moon was a barren wasteland, ice as far as she could see. She thought she would enjoy the cold after the sickening heat on Cerberus, but she felt it freeze her heart instead. The instillation was still smoking and she studied it with growing dread. It was razed to the ground, nothing more than black rubble. Nothing moved around it.

"There are no life readings." One of the men said, analysing his computer. Azebar made no comment, and lead them towards the fallen building.

They picked through the rubble. Joanna began to see shapes amongst the charred ground – things that she wished she couldn't. Charred arms stuck out like tree roots from the ground. Tholian exoskeletons piled like abandoned shields, and a crunch told her she'd stepped on a skull. She felt herself sicken. This was what hell looked like – black remains on a blanket of snow.

"No Humanoid could have survived this bombing." The Klingon said. "The Tholians have been destroyed like insects and they are far more hardy."

"There must be a way." Joanna breathed desperately.

Azebar inclined her head. "Any survivor would have sought shelter. Is there anywhere nearby?"

"A cave system, three klicks."

The other Klingon looked at the sky. "There is a storm coming." Joanna saw it now – heavy grey clouds rolling in like gas. It foretold a blizzard – she'd seen similar on Earth. They'd beamed down using an old-fashioned transporter. She could guess that the transporter would not fair well during such disturbance.

Azebar nodded curtly. "We have seen enough. Come." Joanna paused. She couldn't go. What if her dad had escaped? What if he was injured, and waiting for her in the caves? She couldn't leave without checking. She couldn't bear it. She felt the Klingon woman's eyes on her and looked up to meet them.

"What direction are the caves?" She asked her.

Azebar cocked her head. "North. You understand, child, that we are leaving. This is no place for you. Do not be foolish. Come."

"I can't. I can't without checking."

One of the other Klingons muttered. "Let her kill herself. She is not our kin."

There was almost reluctance in Azebar's eyes. It surprised her but Joanna suspected that underneath the usual Klingon demeanour, Azebar was a good person. "There is no other way off this planet, Joanna McCoy. It is unlikely your father survived. You will die if you are trapped in the blizzard. There is no honour in a child's blood."

"I don't care." Joanna said firmly because she didn't. She didn't care. Because if her dad was gone… well she wanted to be gone too. She didn't want to be here without him. "But he's my father. My kin. What wouldn't you do to protect your own father?"

There was a strange light in the captain's eyes as she regarded her. Then she bowed seriously. "Very well, Joanna. May you die well."

Joanna searched her mind for a Klingon farewell, but only the words of an opera came immediately. "May your enemy's run from you in fear."

Both men barked a laugh and Azebar smiled. "If you live, little one, I would be pleased to receive you on Qo'noS. Come, brothers."

And then they were gone, and she was alone on the icy planet with only the dead to keep her company.

It wasn't a long hike, the cliffs almost immediately visible on the horizon, relics of some ancient sea. The area was eerily quiet. There was no wildlife – just the sound of the wind and her own heavy breathing. The snow started a few minutes after she began walking, large flakes that lay on her and the ground around her. A single glance back showed her footprints obliterated like she'd never been here. She felt a ripple of fear but pushed it away. It didn't matter – only her dad did.

The suns were barely visible, the snow heavy when she reached the cliff-face. Visibility was low, but she could only make out a single cave, a large crevice in the side of the cliff. Despite the weather she entered it hesitantly, lighting her torch and brushing the snow from her clothes.

The cavern was deep, with a high ceiling and rocky outcrops throughout. In the depths she could just make out water that suggested an underground lake – perhaps the last vestige of a sea tributary from before the planet was caught in an ice-age. Her feet crunched on something as she walked in and her torch made out bones on the ground below her – fish by all appearances. She felt her bravery waver – she had no idea of the predators that lived on this planet and didn't fancy becoming dinner to one of them. However, there was a snowstorm raging behind her, and this was no time to worry about herself.

"Dad?" She called, her voice echoing around the chamber eerily. There was no answer. She scanned the ground for signs that someone else might have been here – but there was nothing but old bones and the trickle of water. She suddenly felt like she would cry. What if her dad wasn't here? But then where was he? He couldn't… He just couldn't be dead.

She explored the cavern but found no new clues and exhaustion and cold finally got the better of her. She sat down on the edge of a high rock she'd climbed to get a better look at the cavern, and hugged her knees. What did she do now? All she could see was white outside – and even if she left here, where would she go? No one knew she was here except the Klingons, and they were hardly going to vocalise her whereabouts. She was trapped here. But her dad… her dad had always promised that he would come for her. He promised. Maybe she just needed to wait here. He would find her eventually – he wouldn't let anything happen to her and then they'd go home together. The thought made her feel better, gave a point to sitting in the cold darkness.

Hours trickled by. She ate her rations, sipped on the icy water from below, and waited. She wasn't good at waiting. Lotoc said her lack of patience was one of her greatest flaws. But she'd show him. She'd wait here. She'd find her dad. She would.

She dropped stones into the icy water, watching the ripples. It was getting colder. She guessed the sun was going down. She wondered if she should light a fire. She heard a crunch like boots on the rocks behind her, and turned, hoping to see her dad. But no one was there. She wondered if she was imagining things out of desperation. She bent to pick up another stone when another crunch alerted her.

"Who's there?" She called out, voice wavering. She turned but could see nothing. "Dad…?"

She never saw what attacked her. All she made out was masses of black fur as it materialised out of the darkness and pounced, throwing her to the ground. Its teeth would have taken out her throat, but a rock gave way beneath her head and it bit air instead. She screamed, grappling with the heavy body, trying to throw it off her as teeth snapped and she rolled and squirmed. Some vague voice told her that she should go for its eyes, but she couldn't get near its face when all those teeth were so close, couldn't think sensibly. Her hands scrabbled on the floor for something to fight it with but she came up with gravel only. She threw what she had, some of the small stones going into its mouth, causing it to cough and enraging it more. She remembered her knife and she struggled desperately until she could claw it out of her pocket. She stabbed it in the side with all her might. The beast roared but its teeth were still too close and she couldn't pull it out. She screamed again because she suddenly knew she was going to die.

Then a shot and the beast shuddered. She watched the teeth come for her again, and rolled. Instead of her neck, the teeth hit the stone beneath her and it collapsed on top of her. She lay gasping beneath it but it no longer moved. Her terror faded, and she was suddenly filled with something altogether different.

"Dad?" She gasped. Hope filled her. She knew he'd come. Her dad always came. She heard footsteps and her eyes watered in relief. He wasn't dead. She'd known he wasn't.

She struggled to push the beast off of her, and felt it lifted away suddenly. She looked up at the man standing above her, trying to make out the features in the hood of his snow-covered clothes in the dim light. Some instinct cautioned her, stopped her from throwing herself in his arms.

"Dad?"

"Nope." She recognised the voice immediately, but felt the disappointment crush her when he flicked the torch on.  
>"Jim."<p>

He picked her up off the floor like a little child, setting her on her feet and looking her up and down for injuries.

"Are you alright?" His voice was hoarse and he shed snow all over her. He was panting. He must have been running.

She pulled away as anger and disappointment battled. He should be her dad. Why was he not her dad?

"I'm fine. Why are you here?"

For a moment she saw an expression cross Jim's face that made her step back, dark and dangerous. Then it cleared and he shrugged. "To stop you being some animal's dinner. And to take you home of course."

Home. She couldn't go home. She didn't have a home. Her dad was her home, and now he was… He was…

"I can't. I'm waiting for dad."

Jim sighed and turned away from her, glancing around the cave. "It's pretty cold in here, kid. And it's worse out there. There's a blizzard coming in. In an hour nothing's going to be able to come in or out of here."

She felt a flicker of fear but pushed it away. "Don't call me kid. I don't care. I'm waiting. I have to wait. He's going to find me, Jim. He is."

Jim glanced at her, face hard. "No he's not, Sassy. He can't."

"But-."

"He's dead, Joanna." His voice was harsh, and her eyes filled with tears. "I've seen his body – or what was left of it. He was still holding his medipack. He's dead."

No. She couldn't bear it. She turned away and found her bag on the rock where she'd left it, trying to hold herself together. She wanted to plead with Jim, to make him take the words back, but she knew he wouldn't. She wanted him to hug her and make it all better. And she hated him for making her think that he might be right.

"Well I'm fine here. You should go." She said in a voice that almost didn't tremble.

"I'm not going anywhere without you, Sassy. Come on." She felt him draw closer and stepped away.

"No. He'll come."

"Joanna-."

"He will. He promised me, Jim. He promised…" Then her voice broke and she shuddered and pushed away the tears that somehow had appeared and were freezing on her face.

Jim sat down on a rock close to where he'd been standing and watched her. "I know what he promised you, Joanna. That's why I'm here." She couldn't speak. "He made me promise to look after you, Joanna. He made me give my word as his friend. They were his final words." His voice was grim. "And I keep my promises."

Her thoughts moved slowly. Her dad hadn't come - so Jim had come instead. That meant… She wiped away fresh tears as something started to break in her.

"I want to be alone." She whispered the lie.

"Me too." His voice softened. "I guess we'll have to be alone together."

She looked at him then, really looked at him. His face was exhausted, with deep shadows beneath his eyes and a beard on his face. His eyes were bloodshot and heavy. And for the first time since he'd appeared in the school she realised that if her dad was dead she wouldn't be the only one affected. Jim was grieving. She couldn't bear to see it on his face when her own feelings echoed it so closely. She turned and walked away, climbing back up onto the ledge of rock that hung over the lake. She dropped a stone into the water and felt suddenly angry. How dare her dad die when he knew she relied on him? How dare he go and do something so dangerous? He'd gone and left her all alone, when he was supposed to love her, and now she had nothing. She'd be trapped at that school forever where everyone hated her because she was Human, and with her mom, who wished half the time that she was dead. Maybe she should be.

"You should go."

Jim's voice was sombre. "I probably should. We're in the middle of a war. I had to leave the Enterprise in Sulu's hands"  
>"Sulu's? Where's Spock?"<p>

"On a mission of his own."

"Oh." She knew she should feel guilty, feel worried because Jim was here instead of leading some battle, but she just felt detached. "You shouldn't have come."

Jim shrugged. "I keep my promises, Joanna. Your dad would kill me if you died out here."

"Well he can't now, can he?" Her voice almost broke. "Go and win the war, Jim. Leave me here."

She saw him stand, and for a moment miserably thought she'd succeeded, but then he took a few steps towards her. "You know, I could just stun you." Jim's voice was far too hard. His hand rested on the weapon at his side.

"You wouldn't."

"I would."

"I would just run away when I woke up."

"Then I would follow."

"No you wouldn't."

"I would if I thought you were in danger."

"That's stupid."

"I made a promise."

"Well, my dad's not here to hold you to it, is he?"

"Then I promise _you_ Joanna, that I'll follow you anywhere." His eyes held a significant look, an ironic smile on his lips.

She scowled at him angrily. Why couldn't he leave her alone? Leave her to this loneliness. "I hate you."

"That's probably wise, but it doesn't change anything."

He came and sat next to her on the ledge, and threw a stone in. They watched the ripples silently. She felt sick inside, but not as lonely as she had before. Then a wave of guilt broke through her misery.

"I don't really hate you, Jim." She said quietly after a few minutes silence.

"I know Sassy."

"I just… I just really can't bear to think that he might be gone."

"I can't either." He looked so lonely then, so sad, that she couldn't help but shuffle closer to him and rest a head against his arm in comfort. So this was it. Her dad was gone and she would have to spend her time at school and with her mum and there would be nothing else until she was grown up and she would die inside. Without her dad she was sure of it. He was gone. Her lovely, grumpy, kind, dad. And with him she had nothing. She wouldn't even have Jim. Then the part of her that she'd been holding in for all this time snapped and she cried. She felt Jim reach for her and let him pull her onto his lap. She buried her face into his coat and sobbed as her heart broke.

"It'll be alright." He murmured to her.

No, it wouldn't be. It couldn't be. But she really wanted to believe him. He held her tightly, and she allowed him to comfort her, to let her feel safe as his hands stroked her loose damp hair. He eventually pulled away, forcing her to sit up. He dried her tears with his handkerchief with an uncomfortable expression on his face. She felt drained inside, and let him, watching quietly.

He met her eyes, and for a moment his own softened and he touched her cheek. "We need to go Joanna."

She had no energy to fight anymore. "Alright." He pulled her to her feet and pushed her gloves into her hand. His face was businesslike as his used his tricorder to scan outside.

"It's going to be cold – and we need to move fast if we're going to make it before the worst of the weather."

He was moving towards the entrance, stepping over the corpse of the beast – and picked up a coil of rope he must have carried with him and dropped when went to protect her. She followed him, the cold already penetrating the closer she moved to the cave entrance. She felt a stab of real fear as she looked out. There was nothing but white – she couldn't see anything. How were they supposed to walk in that? She wasn't used to cold or snow.

"Here." Jim circled her, tying a rope to her waist. "To stop us getting separated."

"Maybe we should wait?" She suggested hesitantly.

"If we do, we're going to be here for weeks. This front isn't letting up any time soon."

She swallowed. No one would miss her – but Jim had to go and win a war. What would happen if he was away for so long? She knew what her dad would say. She felt a sick stab of pain inside and tried to distract herself. "Okay. How far do we have to go?"

"A few miles. I couldn't fly any closer in this weather."

She nodded again and forced the nerves away. The Klingons had warned her – but she'd been so sure she'd find her dad. What did it matter now if she became a Joanna-shaped icicle?

"Alright. I'm ready." She covered most of her face with her pink scarf.

Jim gave her an appraising look, a ghost of a smile on his lips. "Good. Let's go."

It was hard from the outset. She was half-blind from the white-out, and struggled to keep walking in the snow that was laying on her. Jim kept a couple of paces in front of her, testing the ground and shaking snow from his tricorder. She walked in his footsteps – or at least tried, but her legs were much shorter and the snow came well past her knees. She decided extremely early on that she despised snow and cold and promised herself she would never again complain about the heat on Cerberus. Then her thoughts stopped, became focused only on the exhausting process of each step. But if she thought it was difficult in those first few minutes it was nothing to what was to come. The blizzard became heavier, the icy wind penetrating her clothing, biting through her agonisingly. She could no longer make out Jim – partly because of the snow, and partly because her eyelashes kept freezing shut. The rope between them regularly went taut as she fell behind, and Jim often had to turn to check she was there, or to help her out of a deep patch of snow. They didn't attempt conversation – it would have been lost in the wind, and she could barely make out his features, even close. After a while she stopped feeling the cold. A small voice warned her that it might not be a good thing but she felt nothing but relief. She tried to force her legs to take each step but each one was harder. She didn't notice when she stopped moving – nor that she was face down in the snow, until she felt herself be turned over. Her eyes weren't working anymore, nor were her lungs. She groggily wondered if she was going to die, and felt oddly at peace with the thought, as if her father was reaching his hands to her. Everything seemed to stop, and when her brain seemed to next switch on she realised she was being carried. Jim, her slow brain told her. Jim was carrying her. Her face was tucked into his chest and she could hear the pounding of his heart and his heavy breathing. She lost sense of time but she felt him stumble, felt herself hit the ground, but was paralysed, unable to save herself or remove her burden from him. She tried to open her mouth, to beg him to leave her here – but her lips wouldn't open, and she felt herself being lifted again. Her thoughts slid in and out of darkness, and she wasn't sure how long had passed. Perhaps forever – perhaps minutes. Sometimes she was on the ground again, sometimes in his arms – she struggled to make sense of it all. She thought she heard him say her name once, but it might have been the wind.

Then, suddenly her thoughts were more alert. She opened her wet eyes and realised she was lying on her side. There was no snow. She was on a shuttle. She pushed herself upright with stiff limbs and saw that the doors were still open, that snow was blowing in. And there was a figure, only half in the shuttle, lying on his stomach ad coated in snow. Not moving.

"Jim!" She half-crawled, half-stumbled to him, panic overwhelming her. She turned him over. He was stone cold but she saw his eyes flutter, saw his breath rise. She called his name, and shook him hard again but got no response. Cold, her slow brain told her. He was cold. She needed to get him warmer, like her. She pushed the snow off his legs, her heart racing and spots clouding her eyes like she'd run a marathon. Sensation was coming back to her arms with an agonising burn, and she almost stripped her clothing to sink her hands into the snow, but remembered something her dad had said once and kept them on. She pushed Jim up, hooking her arms around his chest, and dragged him backwards bit by bit. He was much heavier than he looked, and she had to regularly pause for gasped breaths. Then he was in, and she found the button to close the shuttle doors, shutting out the frozen wind. The room immediately felt warmer.

There were blankets in the emergency packs and she awkwardly managed to pull them out and cover Jim. She stood for a moment and watched him breath as another wave of exhaustion assailed her. He had saved her. She was alive. He had carried her back all that way, and made sure that she was safe in the shuttle. She knew he would do it for anyone because he was a hero, and that was what heroes did – but right then it didn't matter. Because he had come for her – when no one else would probably care she'd gone. She wasn't sure how she could repay him for that but she promised herself that she would do the same for him, no matter what, because he was her friend and he had come when her dad couldn't. She curled up next to him and fell asleep.

When she awoke it took her a moment to recall where she was and what had happened. The engines were vibrating under her, she was lying on something soft, and she was warm. Then she recalled her dad – he was gone. Gone and dead. That awful, agonising, sick feeling returned and she opened her eyes. She was lying in a chair in the cockpit, her head on Jim's lap. His hands were moving across the instruments.

"You're awake." Jim seemed to know without even looking. She wondered how he did that. She sat up, rubbing her eyes, trying to push away the tears that seemed to be there. "You alright?" She felt his eyes on her and couldn't look, because she would cry.

"Yes. You?"

"Yep."

They paused. Then she blurted. "You carried me."

She caught Jim's frown. "It was nothing." He glanced at her. "And you managed to drag me in here."

She shrugged. "It was nothing."

He gave her a smile. "I guess we're even." They weren't. Not even close. But she didn't know how to say that to him without sounding stupid so she studied the screens in front as the stars rushed by.

"Joanna…" Jim sounded oddly awkward. "I've been thinking…You should know there will always be a home for you on the Enterprise. If you need it. I mean that I know you have your mom, and your grandma, and obviously it'll be hard without your dad there but if you ever need-."

She all but threw herself at him, and the ship tipped, setting off a few alarms. She hugged him tightly, and felt Jim cough – whether a laugh or she'd injured him she wasn't sure. She would have withdrawn in embarrassment but he positioned her legs across his lap as he made some adjustments to the ship, an arm around her shoulders.

"Thank you." She told him solemnly.

"We'll still be friends, Sassy." Jim seemed to always read her mind.

"But everything has changed." It would have to without her dad.

"I know."

"You're going back to the war?" She didn't need to ask.

"I have no choice. The Enterprise needs me. And I need her. We're bound together, she and me."

She felt a pang of fear so violent it made her feel sick. "But what happens… What if something happens to you?"

"It won't. I'm lucky. I'll always come back, Joanna."

"But Dad-."

"I know." She felt him tense. He took a deep breath, then let it out slowly. "It was my fault. I should have stopped him. But Starfleet Intelligence… they're like snow. You think you know what they are, what you're dealing with - but then things hot up and they melt away and you realise they're something else altogether, and that they will rust the ship from the inside out." He seemed to be talking to himself. "They offer their people nothing and ask for everything. And what a cost."

She recalled what Jim had said – how her dad had died in Federation bombings. He'd been killed by_ their_ side. How could that happen? "Are they why dad died?" She had to force that hated word out, as she felt anger rush through her again. She turned to look at him. "The Intelligence? They let him die?"

Jim took a deep breath, then let it out harshly. "War is complicated, Joanna. It's not as simple as that."

"But they must have known he was there. They must have – and they knew about the bombings and they didn't stop it? They didn't try and get him out?"

Jim's face was sombre, his eyes stormy. "No."

She processed this furiously. "_Why_? Why would they let him die?"

"Because your dad is… was…" A pained look crossed his face. "One person. The bombings had to happen at the exactly right moment – when the planet's shield was down. It was a one-time opportunity." So he had died so they could kill more people. How did that make sense? Weren't they trying to save people? "War… it's not like the books you read, Joanna." He was studying her face. "Sometimes terrible things have to be done to save the most."

"Then you think it was right? That dad died? That they didn't get him out?" Her anger was bleeding.

"No – of course not. Your dad shouldn't have been put there in the first place. But those bombings took out a large part of the Tholian army – because of information that your dad supplied. He's saved millions. That's what your dad always does. He saves people. He was scared as hell to go but he went because he's – he was – a doctor and you know he'd do anything to stop suffering." She did know. She knew, and she wished she didn't.

"Didn't he think I might need him? Didn't he think, I don't know, maybe he might die doing something so dangerous and I might want him not to?" Was she nothing? Why did she always come second to everyone else?

"Of course he thought about you. You dad loved you more than anything."

"So he went and did something where he might die? That's not love. That's stupidity."

Jim took a sharp breath, and she got a glimpse of the captain he was in the hardness in his eyes. "Leonard McCoy was a hero, Joanna. What he did he did because he thought it might make people safe – it might make _you_ safe. He was a man who held his oaths and his believe in people above all things. He was the most honourable and bravest person I've ever met. And he was my friend - one that I never deserved and one I will make sure is never forgotten. So don't you call your dad stupid. Your dad was _not_ stupid. He was the least stupid person I know."

She felt the rebuke and guilt slice through her and couldn't meet his eyes. "Sorry."

"You carry his name. You're angry and I understand it, but once you're done being angry you need to remember who he was. Who you are."

"I don't know who I am."

"You're the girl who travelled half-way across the galaxy because you love your dad."

"My dad was already dead." She felt tears come close again and she took a deep breath. She'd cried her tears. "How did you find me?"

"I know you – and I guessed where you'd go." He gave her a small smile. A horrible thought occurred to her.

"Will you be in trouble? For leaving to find me?" They were at war. She guessed people wouldn't like it if the man behind the defence suddenly disappeared. There was a word for it. Desertion.

He took a slow breath, then shrugged. "I might be, Sassy. But my senior officers are covering for me as best they can. And Starfleet Command found out… well you'd be surprised the blind eye people take when they need you. They'll put me on trial for desertion after the war at any rate."

People got locked up for a long time for desertion – she'd heard her dad speak of it once. She felt a wave of worry so acute that made her feel ill.

"You shouldn't have come. You should have stayed with the Enterprise."

"Of course I should have come. But I meant what I said, Joanna. If you run again, I'll come after you. I always will. And I don't think I will be able to cover a second time."

She took the rebuke. She had been selfish and Jim might get in trouble because of it. Besides, now her dad was dead, where would she run? "I won't." She promised. No, she would be good. Or try. Her track record wasn't particularly good.

Jim gave her a squeeze. "Good girl." She relaxed into him, feeling safe. She knew she would lose that soon. There was no more safety for her. "I need you to be brave, Joanna." Jim said softly. "Nothing dangerous for a while."

"I'll try." There was no point now. She had nothing. She considered the man next to her, of the grief she'd witnessed in him. She wondered how hard it would be to go back to the ship that would remind him of his lost friend. "You need to be brave too. Without my dad."

She felt him still. "I know."

"Do you want revenge?"

"From who?"

"Starfleet Intelligence?"

He was silent for a moment, and she wondered if he wouldn't answer. "Yes." He finally said. "I do want it." That relieved her, because she did too. "But we're all on the same side, and terrible things happen during a war. I'll know better than to help them again. Or to trust them. Not with my eyes closed." He took a deep breath and shook himself. "Revenge can consume a person – and I can't do that right now. You shouldn't do it either." She remembered what she'd said to the Klingons – she would find her father's killers and avenge him. She'd meant it.

"What could I do? I'm eleven." She retorted. But she wouldn't always be, a voice told her. And she wouldn't forget. She couldn't. She would have to live with this, with these feelings, forever. When the time came to it, she would know better. She would destroy the people who so willingly let one of their own die. Who recruited someone who was not designed for deceit, then abandoned him when it mattered.

"You could do a great deal, Sassy. I'm asking you not to."

She scowled, but eventually agreed. Because it was Jim, so she had to. "Alright."

Jim hugged her. "It's going to be alright, Joanna. It might not feel like it now, but it will be."

She said nothing. She'd always believed that the Federation were the good side, that they stood for all the right things and defended the weak. But it was wrong. In its place was nothing. Nothing but a belief in Jim.

_A/N__: I know, heavy stuff. The next chapter's a bit of a rollercoaster too - but finally you're going to get some answers. It's time to find out what Joanna's really been up to! Thanks for reading!_


End file.
